Sano Manjiro sometimes wishes he wasn't such a stubborn bastard.
Had he been just a little bit less of a secretive ass then maybe he wouldn't have to stand there, watching in devastation as the crystalline tears finally spill down her cheeks, multiple paths of agony making themselves known to the audience that is him.
In all 14 years they've been together, Manjiro thinks he's always been the one to make her cry first. Always the first one to make her ache for him in all the ways he knows he doesn't deserve to be felt towards.
A tremble of his fingers makes themselves known to his mind as the feelings of guilt and misery creeps into his chest, the sensation of her palms against them, the only thing separating him from breaking down completely in front of her as her words had always been the reality of their lives.
That no matter what people might call or want what to believe, he's still just as human as the rest of them. He's aware of the monster he's made himself out to be, but he more than anyone knows just how easily it is to snuff out a person from your life forever. It's so easy at times, he can almost laugh. That how with enough determination and strength he too can be taken away from theirs, forever just leaving them with the phantom remains he will depart from.
'There's going to be a day you won't be here, Manjiro.' And he can almost cry from the undeniable truth her words bring him. Even he can't deny that the hole he dug himself in was far too deep for him to even think or consider about getting back out. That no matter the circumstances of his feelings he will never get to start right back to where he'd been remotely considered good as a person.
Obsidian glistens with his heartache. Worst of all, Manjiro thinks as he searches her face filled with sorrow, he had been selfish enough to drag her down with him. The months separating them all those years ago had been far too much for someone like him that he had eagerly and greedily clawed himself back into her life the moment she had given the slightest bit of chance.
His fingers manage to find their way into wrapping around her wrist, hands of destruction delicately holding her, anchoring him to the familiarity that is her touch. Manjiro finds himself swallowing as the thought of why she'd let him back in kept repeating themselves over and over again in his mind.
Manjiro brings a hand, blood stained permanently from those he killed, up to her face. Fingers, that had so easily gripped and snapped bones like second nature, brushing away the strands of hair sticking across her endearingly lovely face. Cheeks blotchy with a fascinating puff to them, he indulges himself with the thumbing across the wet patch of skin.
He finds himself sighing, sweet and exhausted all the same as he knows what she'll tell him once she finds the things that dwell across the map of his thoughts.
She'll call him an idiot for one, tells him that she loves him even then. That she stayed and that she let him back into her arms solely because of her loyal affections for him. He huffed at the thought as it just opened another can of worms to be explored.
She'll tell him that she loves him but then he'll ponder on the why. There were so many other wonderful people out there and yet she dares to waste her precious love for the likes of someone like him.
Manjiro can't help but to think about her awful taste in men.
Leaning forward, he connects their foreheads together. Off-white mixing with H/c in a twirling of strands in the middle, his lashes with their natural born color flutters as he closes his eyes. " I know." He finally says through his muttered breathe.
Manjiro feels the scrunching of her brows on his skin. "If you do, then why do you insist on lying to me?" She mutters back, voice borderline on a quiver when he places his hands along the nape of her neck, fingers intertwining with the locks of her hair.
She doesn't look him in the eye when she speaks, gaze trained solely at his collarbone. He wonders what it is she finds so interesting when the hand he holds moves to touch him again. Manjiro feels a smile break across his face, albeit nervous and unsure. "You know how I am. I'm stubborn when it comes to things like these."
She finally gives him a look, leaning back the slightest bit and he chases after her, craving the sensation of their skin being in contact with each other. The mere act of not being able to feel her against him is enough to have his insides crumbling. "I always think I'm protecting you when in reality it's always just me that was hurting you in the first place."
Lashes fluttering, she looks to the side. Her lips quivering the smallest bit of a tremor before she tucks them to her teeth, preventing and failing at keeping her bearing together. He feels his chest ache all over again, seeing the full view of what his actions did to her.
A choked sound finally leaves her throat and she finally leans into his embrace, arms looping and wrapping themselves around his neck. Clinging and holding him like he'll disappear and he holds her just as tight. Sinewy arms bundling up her waist into his own, and he can almost feel the way her heart races against his chest.
Manjiro feels his eyes watering before he shoves his face into the junker of her neck, lips brushing against the pulse point of them. She's ticklish there, he knows. He feels the slightly cracked giggle that leaves her and he can almost pretend that it makes him feel any better.
Nuzzling into his hair, he feels plush lips press against his ears. "... Good to know that you're aware." A sniffle and a watery laugh, she presses herself into him even more, holding and holding until she physically can't combine their bodies anymore than it already has.
A trembling smile makes its way to his face and he tucks his nose onto her shoulder blades, trying to hide himself even when she couldn't see him anymore. His chest hurts, burning and aching and the hurt almost makes him cry from the intensity of it. He presses another kiss on her skin, this time on her collarbone and he feels her kiss him back, right on the sides of his temples.
"I'm sorry," He finally whispers, his voice borderline a wobble. "I'm sorry for always hurting you, Y/n." A crack makes themselves known when he utters her name, almost as if his body knows he shouldn't be calling her such. That he's not worthy of saying such a sacred thing with his lips.
She whimpers a small 'Hm.', high pitched with a tiny break in the end. Like she's scared that if she dares to mutter even a single thing, she'll fall apart at the seams in his arms. Manjiro can only hope that he's even strong enough to hold her up with him.
They stay like that for a moment, both just relishing in the presence that is each other, holding and clinging to one another so tightly it feels like the air has been stolen away from their lungs.
A sigh leaves Manjiro's lips before he brushes them against her again. The feeling of smooth skin against his plush lips almost makes him forget about everything that led them to this situation in the first place.
As much as Manjiro would love for them to stay like this forevermore, they simply couldn't. It's a reality that was snapped back into him when a knock sounded against their bedroom door. If he wasn't so upset, Manjiro would've allowed a scowl to overtake his face, snapped at them too while he's at it but he simply couldn't muster up enough energy to do it, not when she's pulling away from him, away from his arms and out of his reach for god knows how many hours.
"You should go back to getting ready, Kokonoi's waiting." She mutters, curling in on herself to make herself seem smaller. Bringing up a hand, she wipes her tears once more, fingers brushing against her waterline.
"Right." Manjiro nods, lingering a second before turning his back to her, his ears catching onto her light footsteps growing farther and farther away from him. He crumples his dress shirt in his hands for a moment, his frustrations making themselves known through his shaking fingers.
Biting the insides of his cheek, a smile void of any amusement makes its way to his face, the corners of his lips wobbling the tiniest bit. They dropped just as fast as they appeared. "Fucking hell." He whispers to himself before both his hands reach up for his hair to scrunch up in anger.
This meeting better be fucking worth it.
---
Sano Manjiro stands outside of his daughter's nursery.
He knows his wife is there, humming the smallest of tunes whilst sitting on the rocking chair they have set up next to Sachiko's crib. A sigh and he feels himself swallow, lashes fluttering against his cheeks as he prepares himself to swing the door open.
He doesn't understand why he's jittery all of a sudden, he's just saying goodbye. This is just the many of them, after all and it certainly won't be the last. Manjiro assures himself with a long and deep breath, chest full and filling with the oxygen he desperately needs at the moment.
Clenching his fist, he opens the door and just as expected his wife is there, laying her head between her arms that leaning against the top of the crib, staring with a half lidded gaze at their beautiful daughter sleeping peacefully without a care in the world, unaware and oblivious to the fight that just happened between her parents.
Manjiro finds himself wishing that she'll stay oblivious forever, that her rose colored lenses will stay just the way it is, untainted by the harsh realities that is her parents lives.
Y/n spared him a glance before going back to admiring Sachiko, the sweetest little baby that was half of him and half of her, the most literal physical form of their affections to one another.
Stepping inside the room with fast strides, he stops himself just right beside the crib. White hair falling in between his eyes as he tilts his head to gaze at his daughter better.
Leaning down, he lets his hand brace his weight on the crib before the other reaches for her, fingers brushing against the blonde locks she inherited from himself. Blinking at her with fondness, a sigh leaves his lips, this time not of frustration nor was it of exasperation at everything, it was simply something only produced by a father filled with love for his child.
"... Daddy's going away again, Sachiko." He finds himself whispering to her sleeping self. "You be good for Mommy when you wake up alright?" He retracts his arm, before pressing his lips against his fingers with a small peck and reaching for her again. Lithe digits smoothing against baby soft skin before he pinches them gently.
Manjiro thinks that its too bad he can't give her an actual kiss but he doesn't exactly want to risk waking her up again, it had taken quite awhile for her to settle down after all. He doesn't want his wife to have another thing to worry about so early in the morning.
Straightening his stance, he turn towards her. She'd been avoiding looking at him ever since that first look. He gulps, he thinks he wouldn't be able to stand looking at himself either. "Hun." He calls.
"Hm?" Manjiro sees her swallow before she practically forces her eyes to lock into his own. He steps into her space, his hand reaching for the nape of her neck to caress, fingers once again tangling with her hair like they've done so many times before.
"I'll be going now." Manjiro states although he didn't even have to.
"Ok." She nods before leaning towards him, an expression of expectations on her face. He meets her halfway and presses a long goodbye against her mouth. They might be in the middle of a fight right now but things like these will never be skipped nor ignored just because they're mad at each other.
Manjiro sighs against her before pulling away the smallest bit, he catches sight of how she chases after his lips. His fingers twirl themselves with her hair and he tilts his head once more and presses another peck, this one quicker than the last. "We'll talk more later, alright?"
"Yeah." She nods against him, her lashes fluttering against the flushness of her cheeks from crying. Subconsciously, he wipes away the tear tracks that got left behind.
"Alright." He nods back.
---
Notes: omgomg finally, I finished this one(╥﹏╥)
I have a small feeling that I got sloppy at the very end but like overall I'm very proud of This chapter, it really got me into it with the feels, you know? Hope you guys feel the same after you've read it