When I started to feel things...
OCTOBER - 2010
I quietly knocked on the door several times before slowly opening it with a box-like bowl of soup in my left hand. I grasped some protective gloves and slid them on, not bothering to put on a mask since it's nearing the end of her two to four week recovery in the hospital. After this, she'll head home for her two to four months recovery.
Even though she'll be done with the hospitality recovering, her full recovery won't be over, sadly. She'll visit the hospital several times a week to check the blood transfusions and administration of medicines that are needed. Eventually, she'll be as good as new.
"Hey, Gwen." I smiled, setting her soup on the tray like I always do.
"Hi." she muttered, shifting into a more comfortable position, but remaining unsuccessful.
"What you need me to do?" I hovered over her.
"I want to lay on my side." she mumbled with her eyes closed.
"Why?" I asked, moving my hands gently under her frail body.
"So I can look at you."
I think nothing of her response, but a small feeling in the pit of my stomach appears. By now, I'm not that phased by it. Lately, I've been feeling things when Gwen says stuff like that and I don't know what to think of it, so I don't stress about it.
I finally managed to sneak both hands under her back and move her towards the middle of the bed and then slowly turn her body towards me, knowing she'll regret this decision when my twenty minutes of visiting is up.
"How's school?" she asked.
"Sucks."
"I wish I could go to school." Her eyes were still closed, but I can tell that she was trying to open them for me.
"You will be able to go to school. When you're healthy and feeling good." I smiled, patting her hand. The usual shock surges through my body and I smile wider.
She squeezes my hand a bit and squints her eyes open. Her nose scrunches, and that's when I realize that the sun is in her eyes and too bright for her liking. My smile instantly falters and I hurry to close the curtains.
She sighed. "Thank you."
"You're welcome." I sat back into the chair and resumed the connection our hands had a few minutes before.
"You seem happy today." she told me quietly.
"Well that's because I am happy."
"Why?"
"Because I finally get to see you."
And it was true. I really was waiting to see Gwen all day. All weekend. Since school started, I only came after and get picked up around eight to nine, depending on my school work.
She smiled sadly. "I've missed you."
Again, something shifts within my body. I couldn't say that I don't like the feeling, but the unfamiliarity is a bit uncomfortable. Because of this transplant, she's acted different towards me. She seems like a small little girl, so I respond to her differently too for her benefit. I swallowed hard and tried to keep my breathing steady.
This is just Gwen. What's going on with you? It's just Gwen. She's just your friend. Chill.
She closed her eyes, her tiredness extremely noticeable. Her breathing is a little uneven and I can't help but stare at her beautiful face. The small, hardly visible freckles that cross her cheeks under her eyes. The few eye lashes that remain at the end of her eyelids. Her perfect pink lips, barely apart, breathing small slow breaths. Her small nose, perfect for the shape of her face.
Then, it stops. Her breathing stops. Her eyes fly open and she jerks her hand away.
"Gwen? What's wrong?"
She jolts up in pain and immediately, vomit spews out of her mouth. I rush forward to get a trashcan and hurry to keep the vomit from landing on her bed, which it already has. I set the trashcan under her chin as she continued to let go of what was needed from her system. She coughed a few times, spitting out the remaining disgusting taste from her mouth. I gently rubbed her back and sat halfway off of the hospital bed behind her.
"Shh." I hushed, trying to soothe her.
She coughed a few times more, then stopped and took deep heavy breaths. I took a strand of her hair and tucked it behind her ear. The hair that hasn't fallen out from the chemo. Yet.
She leant back, against my body. I was sure that if Leigh-Anne walked in, she'd tell me that it isn't safe to be so close to Gwen since she had her transplant a few weeks ago and infection could still be possible, especially if I'm not wearing the protective mask.
Gwen leaned for a water bottle nearby, which I grabbed before she could hurt herself from being so tired.
She took a quick chug then put it on her side. She lay down, resting her head on my chest. I could feel a type of wetness seep through my clothes. I looked down, only to realize she was crying.
"Hey..." I whispered comfortingly.
"It hurts." she sobbed. "It hurts so bad."
I stroked her hair and felt some of the spots that were bald.
"Shh, it's okay. You'll be better."
"No I won't, Kyle. I'm sick. That's all I am. I'm sick. I might as well be dead. Leukemia is going to kill me. I'm not going to live though this- this-"
"Hey! stop! Don't say you may as well be dead. Don't talk like that."
Hearing Gwen speak that way of herself; it brought a lump to stick inside my throat. I imagined life without Gwen. I'd still be a bitter careless teenager going around getting into trouble. I would've never met someone who could change me the way Gwen has. I wouldn't even have a friend at all. And we've only known each other since July.
"Losing you would be terrible." I murmured.
She started to take slower breaths. "I'm... sorry." she whispered.
"It's okay. Just don't say stuff like that."
I felt a little weird saying that, like I was her boyfriend or something. I don't know, I guess that's what close friends do. I mean, I've never been friends with a girl like this before, maybe this is how people with relationships like me and Gwen function. Maybe it's normal.
But is it?
As time passed by, I noticed that I should be getting back down to the cafeteria. I could hear the slow easy breaths coming from Gwen. I felt the small little warmth in a certain spot on my chest where she breathed, then the sudden coldness when she inhaled. I wriggled out from under her and gently laid her on her back, repositioning her head and pillow, so that she's in a more comfortable state.
I decided to go near the desk where there's a small pen and paper. I quickly wrote Gwen a note.
I had to go back down and finish helping Lorenna and Misty. Don't feel bad for falling asleep. Get some rest and please at least try to eat your soup. I'll see you tomorrow hopefully.
I set it under the soup next to her tray, hoping she'll wake up soon to eat it before it gets cold. I hovered over her and leaned forward to give her forehead a small kiss. At the contact, I felt a weird shivering tingle shoot from my mouth down to my fingers. I quickly stood up, wondering why I'd done that. Why I would make such action towards Gwen, when she was asleep?
I took a deep breath and blinked a few times before awkwardly leaving the room and returning to my cafeteria service work.
...
"So, how's Gwen been?" Kory asked me via web-cam.
"Not so good, I guess." I replied sadly.
"Why? What's wrong?" The concern in my brother's voice kind of set me off guard and I felt slightly angry towards him which I never really felt before regarding a girl, only his success - jealousy.
"Uh, she's sick?"
"Well, yeah, she's sick. She's got cancer. I mean, what's not so good with her?"
I stared at him for a minute before heaving a sigh and telling him. "Today, I went to her room for a break, you know, like I always do." He nodded as I continued. "We started to talk and then all of a sudden, she started to throw up. Like crazy."
"Has that ever happened before?"
"No! And it's worrying me because it's almost been four weeks since the transplant which, for most leukemia patients, they go home and recover, but I don't think she should go home if she's throwing up like this." I shook my head, looking away.
"Maybe it's usual." Kory tried to convince me, but I knew that wasn't the case.
I stayed quiet.
"Why don't you ask her doctor or something, see what he has to say."
I looked at him through the computer and nodded. "Yeah, okay."
"Hey, Ky?"
I waited for what he was about to say. I knew it was something I wasn't going to answer, because his eyes looked... sad.
"You really care about her, don't you." he pursed his lips and narrowed his eyes.
I furrowed my eyebrows. "What makes you say that?"
"It's no secret that you haven't really been a social type, bro, but with her, it's like you're a totally different person. You make sure she's all right and happy and..." He took a deep breath and ran his fingers through his hair. "It's like, she's changed you."
I lowered my eyes and thought for a minute.
"Do you like her, Kyle?"
I jerked my head up with wide eyes.
"What?"
"Do you like Gwen?"
"I- n-no. She's my friend, Kory, that's it. I just don't want her to hurt more than she already has from this stupid cancer."
"Okay." he answered, scratching his head, obviously unconvinced.
I rubbed the back of my neck. For some reason, I felt extremely confused.
"Look man, I've got this killer exam tomorrow. I gotta head to bed."
"Yeah, me too." I said, before closing the laptop and saying goodbye to my big brother.
Do you like Gwen?
No.
Do you?
No, why would I? She's just a friend.
Is she really?
Shut up.
I shook my head and decided to go to sleep, clear my mind, hoping that Gwen is feeling a lot more peaceful than I am right now.
...
My dad woke me up around the usual time to head down to the hospital. I was a lot more tired, stressing on about my feelings for Gwen. I didn't have a thing for her. I was about 80% sure of that. The other 20%, I was confused, because what's up with that tingly feeling that shoots through my fingers whenever they touch her? That's never happened before in the beginning of our friendship, why now? The only answer is that's possible is that I like her, or unless she gets staticy a lot, but seriously, I don't think I like her...
I couldn't really ask Kory, because all his friends were guys. Kory's had multiple girlfriends too, one being an actual successful relationship. Her name was Sophia. Kory and the rest of the family just called her Sophie though. She was a cool girl. She had long brownish blond hair and really dark brown eyes. She and Kory separated once they went to college. They agreed a long distance relationship wouldn't work out, considering she'd be going to an art school here for college and Kory would be going to New York.
She got accepted into the Academy of Art University in San Francisco and Kory went to NYU, which my parents were so proud of. I liked Sophie, though. I found her to be a really cool person. She and Kory met in their Junior year of high school. When they both left to college, it just broke off and we haven't seen her since.
I wouldn't say my brother was, like, head over heels in love with her but he definitely had feelings for her. I guess if my feelings are similar, my questions are answered. But I wasn't exactly comfortable with asking my brother something like this. He'd probably freak out and say I'm "growing" or whatever but... I don't know. Romance isn't a particular subject guys like me and Kory take interest in, let alone be comfortable talking about it.
"Kyle, c'mon!" my dad shouted.
I hurriedly put on my Hollister sweatshirt and rushed downstairs. Dad was standing next to the door, tapping his foot with his arms crossed.
"Let's go."
We left the house and got into his car. I silently buckled in my seat belt and we drove to the hospital.
"Kyle."
I grunted in response toward my father.
"What's the matter?"
I shrugged.
"Did you and Kory get in a fight or something?"
"No."
Of all things he'd guess of, it'd be me and Kory getting into a fight.
It was quiet for a moment.
"Hey, Dad?" I asked, feeling extremely uncomfortable. I don't talk to my dad with this kind of stuff, especially if he's in a good mood. I could feel sweat starting to cover my hands as I rubbed them against my thighs in attempt to get them to dry. "Do you remember Sophie?"
He glanced at me. "Kory's girlfriend?"
"Yeah."
"Sure."
"Did Kory ever talk to you? Like, about her?"
My dad took a deep breath before tapping the steering wheel a couple times.
"Now, Kyle. I know you're a teenager and you've got... needs... and you might find certain girls attractive-" By this moment, my eyes are growing wide and I'm kind of feeling a bit horrified as he continues. "And there might be a time, maybe now, maybe later - hopefully - that you want to have se-"
"No, Dad, no! Not what I meant."
He let out a breath and blinked a couple times. "Good, you're way too young and you can have that talk with your mother."
"Um." I shook my head, shutting my eyes.
"Then Kory." he suggested.
"Sorta better."
"What did you mean then?"
"Like... Did he ever say... like, that he feels things when he... you know, like, holds her hand or something?"
My dad looked over at me. "Where's this coming from, Kyle?" .
"I just... wanna know."
"You wanna know." he repeated, not convinced.
"Y-yeah."
"Well, yeah, he did... a couple times."
"What'd he say?"
"He told me that he really liked her. Maybe even loved her. I think he did too, because he's not the only guy that feels those kinds of things. Like weird surges or what girls call dragonflies."
I was tempted to tell him that they call them butterflies, but whatever.
"What do you mean?"
"Every guy feels them, Kyle. It's when they genuinely feel something for somebody. Those are the feelings I feel whenever I'm with your mom."
"You still feel them?"
"Sure! All the time! Maybe not as strong as they were twenty years ago, but I still feel 'em."
I lowered my eyes. So all guys feel them. It might just be a phase I'm going through or some crap like that.
"I assume a girl is in on this?"
"No."
By then, we reached the hospital and I got out of the car before my dad could ask any more questions I'd feel a little too nervous to answer. I headed toward the regular route towards the hospital cafeteria. On the way, I passed Jeann's desk.
"Hey, Jeann," I waved mockingly.
"Go on, Mr. Hastings." she dismissed, not bothering to look up at me and scribbling something on some paperwork.
I chuckled and kept walking. When I reached the cafeteria, I was a bit surprised to see that practically most of the food was already done. I knew that I was somewhat late but I didn't think I was late enough to the point that the staff would finish everything by themselves.
"Good morning, Kyle!" Lorenna greeted.
"Morning Lorenna."
"Hey, sweetie!" Misty exclaimed.
"Hi, Misty." I walked towards her and stood by her side. "So, uh, how's everything done?"
"Oh, right, well, uh, there's some new people in town and they've volunteered to help out since one of their parents just got a job here as a doctor. They helped us out this morning and we kind of finished to the estimated amount on regular Sundays." She indicated the area full of food with both her hands proudly.
"Okay, so what do I do?" I questioned, feeling a little irritated that I hadn't known of this sooner.
Misty thought for a moment before suggesting, "Well, we have everything covered. Why don't you ask Jeann what else you can do."
I groaned. This is not how I wanted my day to go. I wished this new family hadn't moved here. I actually somewhat liked helping the Meal Ladies. Well at least more than doing anything else. There were people to talk to that wouldn't scold me 24/7. It was nice. Now, I have to be all alone, cleaning. Until my break of course. Which reminds me.
Is she okay?
Maybe I should see her now.
Is she awake?
Are her parents here?
I shook my head violently and headed towards Jeann's desk.
I took long strides, feeling anxious for lunch time. I didn't want to talk to Jeann. She's mean and cranky. I guess her attitude is what I deserved from when we met, but not every time I talk to her. I guess first impressions are really that important. I shouldn't care. She's just an old lady who I won't have to see once I finish this stupid community service.
Once I approached her desk, I tapped my fingers to get her attention.
She lifted her head and met my gaze. She closed her eyes and sighed. "Can I help you Mr. Hastings?"
"Yes, Jeann, you sure can." I smirked. "Apparently, some new family came into town and took my spot in the kitchen. What else am I supposed to do?"
Jeann squinted her eyes before smiling deviously.
"You can always mop the floors and clean the restrooms. They've been getting a bit dirty lately."
...
A/N
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