Carina keeps a watchful eye over me as I heavily lean back against the table on the side of the meeting room. Her eyes never leave me as she unpacks the items from the bag, one by one. I curl my fingers around the edge of the table before looking up at the ceiling to exhale the negativity from the other room through my nose. Carina rewards me with a worried look before she gently kicks a chair in my direction. I pinch the bridge of my nose but spin the chair around to take a seat.
I have an apology on the tip of my tongue, but it gets swallowed by my grin when I see what she takes out of the bag before taking a seat opposite me. "Dr. Deluca, are you here to seduce me?" Her mouth falls open and a blush creeps up her face as she puts two glasses of brown sugar boba milk tea on the desk. "No, Maya, no. That's not... Non ci stavo provando... (I wasn't trying...)" She starts giggling when I raise my eyebrow at her nervous rambling. God, this woman is gorgeous even when she gets flustered.
"You sure? Because it seems like you're pulling out all the stops. Portandomi un afrodisiaco, tra tutte le cose. (Bringing me an aphrodisiac, of all things.)" I reach out with greedy hands to take my favorite drink and a sandwich next to it. I smirk at her over the straw while she opens and closes her mouth like a fish out of water. "Oi, bambina. Mamma mia. No, no, no." She waves her finger at me with a smile as big as mine, even when her eyes glare at me. "I felt really bad for cancelling on you. I wanted to make it up to you, with an appropriate gift." She opens the wrapper of her own sandwich and takes a bite.
I decide to let her enjoy her lunch without too much teasing and sit back with my drink while watching her eat. With every bite, I become more and more envious of the two slices of bread touching my wife's lips from across the table. It's clear that she has something pressing on her mind and after our discussion a few nights back, I trust that she'll share her thoughts with me soon enough. I power on my computer and start working on my reports while she chews on her lower lip.
Her eyes are glued to my every move as I type line after line in the comfortable silence between us. "Ehm." I smile down at my fingers since it's the fifth time in the last few minutes she's tried to distract me in a similar way, before falling silent again. "I, uhm..." She finally gains my attention when she gets up and clears her throat as she walks towards me. I lift my eyebrow when her leg grazes my arm, by taking a seat next to the computer on the desk in front of me. She surprises me when I meet her eyes to see that it isn't a move to touch me, only to make sure I know she's there.
I lean back in my chair to give her my undivided attention, laying my hand on her knee. She places her hands over mine, playing with my fingers. "So, ehm. What you said back there, to Andy..." I bend over to leave quick consecutive pecks on her hands. She looks down into my eyes as I look up at her, tilting her head to the side. "I know you told me about trying to, you know..." Her brows furrow with the difficulty to get the words out while she caresses my cheek with her thumb.
"But we've never actually talked about it. I mean, I know the when, the why and the how, but I've never asked you about what happened after." I sit up straighter and look at her in surprise, rubbing my hands up and down the back of her calve. "Baby, I thought we are putting our past behind us." I wave my hand next to my head like I can swat away those memories from resurfacing. "None of that matters now. Not when we're here. Like this. Again." She places one foot between my legs on the soft fabric of the chair.
She starts toying with her own fingers while she studies me with curious eyes. "I think it's important. To know everything about you. The good and the bad, remember? I wasn't there for you then either, and I really want to be better for you now." Carina can be so fucking adorable when she wants to be, especially when she uses my own words against me. She squeals when I roll my chair closer to her, slipping both her feet over the armrests of my chair, cradling myself between her legs. She actually beams like the brightest sun when I nod my head.
"After Beckett pulled me from the flames, it took me a minute to clear my head from the clouds." She visibly flinches at my words, and I start drawing shapes on her legs again. My eyes involuntarily close when I feel her fingers run through my hair, and I easily lean into her touch. "I didn't immediately regret it, you know. Well, not besides the fact that I failed at it in front of Becks, but that was a whole other can of worms." I huff out a laugh as I think about the mental state I was in while he cared for me.
I fill her in on how I didn't think twice about jumping through the fire to save the family who were trapped, how the voices convinced me to run back into the building without so much as a care over my own life. "If I wasn't that little girl's only hope, I probably would've let the eternal bliss of thick black smoke take me with the building." Carina's mouth turns into a frown like a sour taste entered her mouth, when she realizes that it wasn't an impulsive thought just because of our fight the night before.
"I got hailed a hero, finally earned back the respect I lost, and I still felt dead inside. While I was getting padded on the back, and congratulated on the epic save, I was just praying someone would hear the voices screaming at me to stop being so fucking pathetic." My eyes tear up when I rehash the darkest feelings I've ever had, and I know my wife can read my mind. The memory of her using those exact words during our fight, echoes through my past. She grabs hold of my hands and holds them tightly in hers. "Bambina, I'm sorry."
She lifts my hands to her mouth and mumbles the same words into them again and again. "I honestly have no idea how I tricked so many firefighters into thinking I was fine. When I got back to the station, I could hardly take a single breath. I barely got through a shower without passing out and I can still remember the splitting headache that refused to disperse." Carina absentmindedly flutters her fingers over my pulse point to ensure herself that I'm still alive. I can see the exact moment she feels my first heartbeat because her breath catches, and her eyes drift closed.
"We don't have to go into every detail, my love. You know enough. We can talk about something else." Her eyes fly open before she glares down at me. She slowly pushes me away from her, keeping my hands away from distracting her, waiting for me to keep going. She raises her eyebrow at me in question when I keep silent, which makes me smile at her persistence. "Strange how my lowest only came after I tried ending it..."
The intricacy of the human mind still baffles me because the more I tell Carina about that time, the lighter the suffocating void becomes. By the time I fill her in on my nights spent on the Beckett's couch and my sessions with Diane that got me to see the light, I can see shards of light breaking through my trauma. She gets visibly upset when I tell her about my mental state after I had that call with my parents and how I wanted to call her so bad but didn't want to burden her anymore.
"How does Molly always put it? Progress is a constant sine wave, full of ups and downs, but you'll only survive if you put a hundred percent of your energy towards your next hurdle. There's no clear finish line towards recovery." I pull her closer to the edge of the table while slowly rolling my chair back between her legs again. "And then I somehow found a reason to live for myself, you started fighting for me and now I'm truly happy for the first time in my life."
I wrap her arms around my neck, kissing the inside of her arm while I wink at her. "I think the closest I've ever come to it, was our wedding day." Her smile stretches from ear to ear when she comprehends the true meaning behind my words. "You are my happy ending, my love. Even when my mind was competing between love and a career, you were always miles ahead. I think I was just hiding behind my ambition because it was less humiliating to lose my job than the love of my life."
I rest my forehead on her bent knees, relishing in her magical hands in my hair as she massages my scalp. "Before now, the best time in my life, was when we were planning our family. I have never been more in love with you or felt more loved by you. I wanted to reward your love by giving you everything I thought you deserved. I'm sorry for not realizing sooner that what we had, was more than enough." When I look up at her again, it's to see the light reflecting in her tears while her bottom lip quivers.
We stare into each other's eyes for an eternity, as all our secrets cascades from them like poems on a scroll. She runs her fingers over my shoulders, playing with my collar every time she reaches it, trying her absolute best to keep her smile at bay. "I like this talking thing. It's nice." She emphasizes her gratitude for my honesty by straddling me on the office chair. I laugh into her neck when I have to grab hold of the table to keep us upright, seeing how the SFD doesn't spend enough money on chairs, which are made to support this kind of activity.
"How long have you been wanting to do that?" I inch her back enough to look at her face as she gets busted for her undeniable desire to constantly be in my arms. "I want to spend time like this with you, without coming off as some kind of needy sex fiend." I keep my eyes on hers as both our pupils dilate and the color in them become darker. In a move I haven't thought of doing since before she moved out, I easily slip my hands underneath her ass, stand up, kick the chair back before sitting her down on the table.
She gasps just as I settle into the space between her legs before my mouth descends on hers in a heated kiss. I hook my hands under her knees, locking her legs around my waist as I pull her flush against my body to deepen the kiss even more. She moans her appreciation when our tongues touch each other for the first time, and I have to catch myself on the table when her hands travel into my unbuttoned shirt, over the t-shirt I have on underneath.
She surprises me by slowing the kiss down instead of making my legs turn to jelly. I keep grinding against her, not entirely ready to let the feeling go. Her grin never wavers as she kisses the corners of my mouth before she unlocks her legs around me. I stand up straight and tuck a strand of hair behind her ear, kissing her cheek before I take a step away from her. "I'm sorry, love. I know how important sex is to you in a relationship, so I hope you know how much I appreciate you sacrificing something else for me again."
She rolls her eyes, stalks towards me, grabs me by the collar and kisses me with so much love that it makes my toes curl. "Stop thinking that this is some kind of hardship for me, Maya. We're in love, that's all that matters to me. I'm not compromising anything. This is enough for me. You are enough, bambina." She whispers harshly against my lips before kissing me again, only pulling back when one of us moans.
She walks back around the table, to take the seat she had when we first came into the room. It's a damn good thing that there is a whole table between us with the sizzling look she gives me. "Besides, there's a reason toys were invented, otherwise it may have been a slight discomfort on my part." My mouth falls agape, and I try to will myself to not blush. I cannot fall for the obvious way she's baiting me, knowing I'll clamp up when she starts talking about things like that.
"I would think you would have burnt them all after you moved out." I keep the lopsided grin on my face, so she'll know my words have no sinister meaning to them. She dramatically clutches at her chest like the mere thought of the notion was too painful to bear. "Oh, no, no, no, bambina. That just won't do. You wouldn't burn your Olympic medal, now would you? How can you even phantom the idea of me getting rid of my trophies?"
I also slip into the chair I had been occupying earlier and roll myself back in front of my computer, but I shut it so I can give her my undivided attention. This conversation has piqued my interest a lot more than anything in those studious reports. "Sex toys are trophies now, are they?" Carina nods her head with a serious scowl set in place. "Well, the ones that made you scream my name definitely are first place awards, yes. The others I keep as participation trophies because I'm just so damn proud to have been a part of the experience."
She tries to keep a straight face for as long as she can but when I burst out laughing, so does she. I keep smiling at her while I rest my chin in my hands, raising a questioning brow in her direction. "And tell me, Dr. Deluca. How many times do you take these trophies off the shelf to dust them off a little?" She mimics the way I sit, and her smile turns even more seductive than before. I almost throw in the towel and back paddle to safer waters, but the risk of the danger ahead is too addictive to let go.
"Let's just say the trophy I value as my Olympic gold came in handy for multiple orgasms this morning." My mouth runs dry, and I almost hit my face on the table when my hand slips out from underneath my chin. Her grin turns triumphant seeing how she won this round, hands down. Carina swings her leg back and forth over the other, looking me up and down to decipher if she should disclose more.
"The memory of you used to be enough, that the smallest of touches got me there. But since our date, since my mind and body now acutely recall the way you kiss and the way you make me come to life..." She runs the pad of her thumb over her bottom lip and for a moment I wish I could escape with her into the euphoric haven her thoughts just led her to. "Let's just say the memory of you still works wonders for me, but my own touch doesn't satisfy me anymore."
I softly knock on the desk and tear a piece of paper from my notebook to wave the white flag of defeat at her, so to speak. "Can we please not have this conversation when you are less than five feet away from me? You could seduce a saint into your bed with that smile, so I am begging for some mercy as a weak and vulnerable woman over here." Carina barks out a laugh that sounds like sunflowers turning towards the warm hue to bloom perfectly.
When she catches my dreamy stare, she balls up her sandwich wrapper and throws me in the chest with it. "Just so you're aware, my love. It's a good thing I'm not wearing any underwear because that panty dropping eyes of yours are really doing it for me right now." I can feel my heartrate increase significantly, and a lump form in my throat like I'm trying to swallow past a ball of cotton. I envy the material of her skirt when she crosses her one leg over the other and from the way her pupils dilate, I know she's not pulling my leg.
"That many?" Carina loves getting pushed past her limit. It's when her pleasure amplifies to new heights that only the chosen few could ever dream to reach, but the next morning those euphoric flashes subsides into a regretful moan when she's so sensitive that the softest of touches makes her knees buckle. I usually walk around like someone who just achieved their greatest accomplishment whenever she walks around without her panties, and I can't believe I'm actually jealous of a pink toy at this moment in time.
"...Maya. Bambina..." The snapping of Carina's fingers finally pulls me from my reverie and we both blush crimson at how lost I got in her admission. When she's sure she has my full attention, she lets the seductress routine fall and turns into my caring wife in seconds. Which isn't so hard to do, I guess, seeing how they're all so intertwined in bubble of love she has for me. It's also the reason why I wanted to pick her brain this morning because she loves me enough to tell me whether I'm being paranoid or not. "How about you fill me in on what you needed advice on at breakfast?"
I roll my chair underneath the table and lock my fingers together in front of me. "What signs should I be looking out for, for Bipolar 1?" Carina gulps her response before she sits up straighter in her own chair. She tilts her head at me, and I can see the need, in the way her shoulders tense, to reach over the table and take my hand in hers. "Oh, bambina. I can only imagine how scary having mental illness issues must be, and I know some symptoms might look similar to what you've experienced. But I promise you, bambina. You don't have it."
I wave off her concerns before they become too deep. I reassure her that this conversation isn't about me for once. I know I don't have Bipolar 1 because that is the first assessment the psychiatrist did when I got committed. I also briefly touched on the subject with Diane, who not so gently reminded me that Bipolar consists of extreme highs and lows, and I've never experienced highs before.
Abnormally upbeat was not a term she has ever used to describe me in her notes. And I had to trust that Carina knows the signs well enough to force me to get help sooner if she had any concerns for it. When I see the worry leave her soft brown eyes, and laughter enters them at my description of Diane's words, I know we've breached another major milestone in our road to recovery. "You get that this is me coming to my medically qualified wife for advice, and that all of this is a hypothetical that can't leave this room, right?"
She dramatically rolls her eyes at my need to always bring up the confidentiality of our spousal pillow talk whenever I need advice with something work related. And just like I expect of her, she makes a small cross over her heart with her index finger. "Do you remember me talking about a firefighter that has so much potential but has been looked over for a promotion for years?" She nods her head before scrunching her face in concentration as she tries to recall every detail of our chats when we were still trying to be friends.
"Letham, right? You were plan-" I quickly shush her while looking over my shoulder to make sure no one is lurking at the door. "I'm not admitting anything, remember? I'm just running a hypothetical concern through my wife." I blow her a kiss when she zips her mouth shut before throwing me the imaginary key. "I wanted to do some digging before I add him to my list of potential candidates to take the captain's exam, and his record is spotless. He has more saves than anyone in his house, he has never been written up for anything and his file is filled with glowing recommendations."
Carina's eyes are bouncing between mine as she tries to make sense of where this conversation is going. "I don't get how he's been passed up for a promotion so many times because he is phenomenal." My wife tilts her head to the side, seemingly understanding that I'm trying to defend the guy even before I've raised my concerns about him. "But?" I cross my arms on the desk and start scratching at my arms. "But the last few days, he's become erratic and acting strange. And his behavior is like little snippets of the way you described your dad and brother's manic episodes."
She finally nods her head as the light bulb goes on over her head and she rolls her chair closer to the other side of the table until we're directly opposite each other. "Do you think he's aware of it? You know very well how touchy firefighters can get over something like this. Maybe he's not diagnosed yet." I roll my lips inward because this is exactly why I needed to talk to someone else about it. "I don't want him to get penalized if he has an illness. And if he can control it, then he deserves to be on that list. Your brother wasn't any less of a doctor when he was on his meds, right?"
Carina scrunches her face and the lines her face makes, temporarily distracts me from my train of thought, but my wife knows if I don't get this off my chest and talk the whole thing out, that it will consume me eventually. "List me the symptoms that you deem concerning and we'll figure this out, okay?" I can almost kiss her for letting me look at the problem in a way I understand, in order for us both to find the solution, one step at a time.
She awards me the sweetest and most tender smile when I flip open my notebook and make my way over to her side of the table, to show her the symptoms I've written down. "He's usually a very calm, collected person. Very similar to me, I suppose. When you're at work, that's your priority. So, when he started showing up at the stations in great moods, people notice. He would bring cupcakes or donuts, babble to his coworkers about intimate details of his relationship and became increasingly paranoid and jumpy at MVAs." I move my finger down every bullet point as I read them out loud.
Carina takes the notes from me and underline the keywords of the issues that she also recognizes, before asking me to continue giving more in-depth explanations to the words written down. "The one before the last shift I worked with them, he was a complete ray of sunshine. He was literally skipping around, helping with the team spirit in difficult calls and having very unique ideas on how to handle calls. The best way to describe him, is like Tono gets when he's had too much sugar." She takes the notebook from me again, rips out a page and divides it into two columns.
She writes "Highs" in the one column heading and "Lows" in the other. She quickly lists the behavior I just mentioned under the highs before turning to me with a raised eyebrow to start naming the lows. "He tried asking one of our new firefighters out, but she turned him down. At the time, he took it like a man and kept working like nothing happened. But on the day of his next shift, he was so bad that his team raised their concerns about him with their captain and me. Apparently, he came to work hours late, reeking of booze and in the same uniform he had on two days ago."
I watch as Carina takes more notes, in what is technically a pros and cons list, like I use for every major decision in my life. It warms my heart that she took the initiative to create one herself. "When I worked a shift with him again, he completely zoned out when he was supposed to run the scene. It was clear that he's not eating or sleeping, and I caught him talking to himself a few times while we were on a call." When Carina puts down the pen, I can read her expression as if she just wrote Bipolar 1 in all caps and underlined it underneath the list of symptoms.
"What are you going to do?" I take a deep breath in before dropping my head on my crossed arms. Carina slips her hand under my hair and starts massaging my neck with her fingers. I keep my own fingers in my hair, only turning my head enough to look at her. "What if I'm wrong and I put his whole career in jeopardy? I mean I didn't sleep or really ate either when I was pushing myself to get my captaincy back. What if he's just ambitious?" Her hand slips from my neck to cup my cheek as she runs her thumb over my jawline.
"That's different, love. Your actions only affected you." When I try to break her gaze, she grabs hold of my chin and force me to listen to her. The conviction in her eyes almost make me believe her. It probably would've if I didn't vividly remember the destruction I left in my wake. "It also ruined my marriage and friendships." She shakes her head at me and pull me closer to her with my chair, never letting go of my cheeks. "Hush now, bella. I mean your job didn't suffer because of it. You were extremely hard on yourself, but you never did anything to put your team in danger. You would rather die than make a call to place a single civilian or firefighter in harm."
Her arms fall from my face when she's sure her point came across. I can't control the need to give her a quick peck on her lips before grabbing hold of her hands on her lap. "People with Bipolar 1's manic episodes can damage everything and everyone around them. Remember how my dad killed seven people because he thought he was a god and didn't need sleep. Andrea's mania caused his credibility to be questioned by all his coworkers. Even though he turned out to be right in the end, a lot of pain could've been avoided if he could have been trusted..."
I pull her hands on my lap when she gets choked up and start kissing her cheek and neck as she fights back her tears. "I didn't mean to bring up your brother, babe. I'm so sorry." She tucks her head into the crook of my neck and inhales my scent like she did so many times before when she misses Andrew. When she pulls back, I'm surprised to see worry swimming around in her eyes. "If your suspicions are correct, then you need to be careful, bambina. If he is in the middle of a manic episode, nothing matters to him but him."
She tucks on my hands a few times like the act can make me comprehend the fear she has for this illness. She hunches over to lay her head down on my lap. My hands instinctively reach around her to hug her into my legs. I ask her to repeat herself when I can't hear the mumbles against my pants. "What happens when he's too erratic to make the correct call and puts your life in danger? As the person you come home to, I won't be able to forgive him or his illness if anything happens to you."
She turns her head to the side and run her hands up and down the outside of my thighs. I tuck her hair away with my fingers so I can see her face. I do understand her reservations about having doubts over someone who has your wife's life in your hands. "I can't discriminate against him, Carina. I've worked with him for months. He's my number one choice for the captain's exam, so much so that I have a recommendation letter in my drafts I was planning on sending to Blackwell once this project ends. How can I allow two shifts to wipe away all that good work?"
Carina sits back up on a loud sigh, wiping away her tears before meeting my eyes again. "I can't tell you what to do, bambina. You have a choice by telling his superiors about your suspicions or you need to convince him to get help, but you can't let this go on, Maya. Not when people's lives are at stake." I caress my fingers over the goosebumps on her arms, wishing my job isn't as stressful for her as it is for me. But there is a reason why I came to her with this, because she has firsthand experience with these concerns.
"Andrew worked in the life and death profession too, my love. He was allowed back in the OR after he got help. Doesn't Letham deserve the same courtesy?" Carina's eyes slices into my soul since I had the audacity to use her brother's recovery to defend someone who's in charge of sending me into burning buildings. "Then get him help, Maya. I had to suffer my brother's wrath for seeking help from his girlfriend. When no one saw the signs like I did, I had to overstep my boundaries and force Bailey to bench him."
I wince at the memory of how poor Carina had to deal with Andrew's manic episode, me denying the reality of my father's abuse, getting cheated on and living through a pandemic, all at once. Her brother was so mad at her that I had to play middleman between them. "You're right. I know you're right, but like you said, firefighters don't do mental illness." Her gaze softens when I give her a guilty grin, which she returns in sorts when I shrug at her. "Myself excluded, of course. I absolutely love spending time with Diane, working through my numerous issues."
She grabs my chin in her hand, shaking my head with it before she leans in for a long kiss. "You." She kisses me again between every word. "Just. Come. Home. To. Me. After. Every. Shift." I lean back to see the stern scowl on her face. "You better find a way to do that, bambina. Or you'll never get lucky again." My mouth involuntarily falls open when I see how serious she's being. "I'll talk to him on our next shift together." Carina raises her eyebrow at me, not entirely impressed with my solution to the problem.
"But, I'll file the report about my concerns to his battalion chief and get some advice from Diane in the meantime?" I hold my breath until I get the green light from my wife. A chuckle leaves my lips when I realize that in my quest to ask for guidance, Carina quickly put her foot down and took the lead in the conversation. My eyes keep drifting to her lips while she says words I can't hear. "God, I love you." I lean into her mid-sentence to kiss her, licking my lips after I pull away. "Did you say something about me getting lucky soon?"