I walk up the driveway of a familiar house, I fix my jumper while my heart beats a little too quickly. It hasn't seemed to stop doing that once today.
I reach for the door handle but realise it's not the same as it used to be, I can't just barge in. I lift my hand knocking at the door before I step back, I wipe my nose with the sleeve of my hoodie while I wait for a response.
It's only eight pm but it's still late to be calling to someone's home I guess, especially in the state that I'm in.
I tap my feet against the floor. I shouldn't be here—I turn to walk away back to my car before I hear the door unlocking.
I turn back meeting Cindys eye, the exact same eyes Charlie had, hazel eyes that were always more brown than green but they looked a beautiful golden brown colour in the sun. I was always jealous of how beautiful his eyes were while he complained about how it's a common eye colour.
"Diana." She says, she's not crying—at all, I wasn't expecting her to be. She doesn't even look upset—she just looks...exhausted maybe.
"Hi, Cindy." My voice breaks a little and she opens her arms offering the smallest smile. I walk to her quickly, she wraps her arms around me and I just break down immediately.
I wrap my arms around her tighter, I shouldn't be here, dumping my sadness onto her but there's just one spot in this house that always made me feel safe. Where Charlie would force me to stay if I felt like shit, where we would cuddle up and gossip with each other—laugh about the stupidest things to the point we both were wheezing telling one another to stop because our belly's hurt so much.
"I'm sorry." I whisper and she rubs my back.
"I know, I am too." She says.
✺
Awhile later I sit at the kitchen table with Cindy, she sets down a cup of hot chocolate in front of me with whipped cream and extra marshmallows, like usual when I would come for sleepovers. Me and Charlie would jokingly argue with her about never putting enough marshmallows.
"Enough marshmallows?" She asks and I smile at her nodding, she sits at the top of the table, I sit to her right, leaving the other four chairs beneath the table empty.
I calmed down from my crying and she invited me inside, I apologised too many times to the point she told me to stop that I have done nothing wrong.
She takes a small sip of her tea, probably one of those herbal teas Charlie used to make fun of her for.
"It's so quiet." I say, I've never came to this house and had it be silent. It used to be much..brighter too.
"It is. It has been since he passed. It's like the spirit of our home has been taken with him, I suppose it has." She sits back and I lift the mug to my lips taking a sip of hot chocolate as I get some whipped cream around my mouth. I set the mug down wiping my mouth with my sleeve.
"Cindy." I say looking to her and she looks back at me. It feels like I'm looking at him and all I want to do is grab her and start crying because of it.
"Hm?" She hums.
"I'm sorry about the funeral, I never apologised and even though I said the truth—I'm still sorry. It was an emotional day for everyone and my own sadness made it worse." I say and her eyes go to the table.
"He would have laughed and cheered you on, Diana. He loved drama, I can't be mad because of it when it's something he would have wanted. A strange want but he was always my strange little boy." She laughs a little, it doesn't reach her eyes though. Nothing seems to anymore, although it's like looking into Charlie's eyes when looking at her—it also feels like it's Charlie without his spark.
"The best boy. The only boy I loved, in a platonic way but it was so strong. A type of love I'll never experience in another friendship—I think I lost my platonic soulmate, we would say it to each other sometimes that we were soulmates." I look at the table too.
"I know, you two have been inseparable since you were born almost, always arguing over toys when you were children. It was a blessing to watch the both of you grow together, the bond never breaking between you two." She says and I scrunch my nose so I don't cry again.
"Thank you, Cindy. Thank you for everything. I have so much to thank him for too and I should have done it when I had the chance. You and Andy should be so proud...You raised him into a man who's saved my life multiple times when I really felt I had no reason to live. He gave me purpose and I could never thank him enough." I sniffle a little looking to her, she blinks looking away from me.
"I have to use the restroom." She stands and I do too.
"Can I...go up to.." I trail off and she looks to me before nodding.
"Yes—of course, I can't bring myself to. I don't think I will ever be strong enough for that." She says and I hold my hand out to her.
"We can do it together if you would like, I won't let go of your hand. We can be strong enough together." I say she looks down at my hand before taking it.
"I'm proud of the person you have grown up to become." She says squeezing my hand, just like he used to.
"And I'm proud of you, Cindy. I'm proud of you for everything you continue to do, I'm proud of you for opening that door today." I say and she smiles wiping her eyes.
We begin walking together, I hold onto her hand as we walk up the stairs. My heart pounding and hers definitely is too.
She stops as I reach the final step. I look back to her as she looks over at his bedroom door.
"This is silly—I shouldn't be so scared about this." She laughs at herself almost pathetically..I squeeze her hand gently.
"Cindy, I'm close to having a panic attack—I'm pretty sure. It's not silly, this is terrifying. This was his safe space for twenty years, it's not easy to enter someone's safe place when they can't anymore." I tell her, taking a deep breath and she does too before reaching the final step with me.
"You're so brave for agreeing to this, like I said, I'm so proud of you, Cindy." I tell her and she nods looking at me.
"You're the strongest girl I know, Diana. You've been through hell and back and you still continue to put others first." She tells me and I smile a little.
"Are you ready?" I ask her and she nods.
-Natalie's POV-
I stare at the ceiling thinking. Too many thoughts flooding my mind, ones that I would rather drowned in than try come up with a solution to them.
I groan reaching over to my nightstand, there's only one person I could talk to right now about this who will listen, I don't want to message her but being alone and not talking this shit out to someone besides Diana is something I'm not capable of at the moment.
I'm making a very stupid decision.
Natalie
Come over.
Tatum
Wat
Natalie
I need to talk and I'm using you to do that. You slept with my ex wife, you owe me.
Tatum
Thought u were asking to hookup
Natalie
I would rather die to be completely honest with you.
Tatum
Omw
I push the blanket off myself sitting up, I really wish I punched Josephine really hard into the nose. She deserved it.
I honestly don't know what was going through that woman's brain when she decided to kiss Diana, then she couldn't even look at me when she was confronted. I'm both angry and embarrassed about her.
I told Diana from the start I had a bad feeling about Josephine but of course, nobody listens to me until they've been proven wrong.
I mean I know that Diana rejected her, Josephine quite literally admitted it but it doesn't change the fact that Diana begged to have sex knowing what happened and kept it from me. That's what I'm mad about, I don't care if it's stupid, I have reason to be mad when she kept such a thing from me.
She should have just told me right away because then I would understand but she didn't. She acted like everything was alright and kept it from me so she could get a fuck in before.
To be honest, my heart dropped when she told me don't get mad at Josephine. Olivia told me the same when I found out about her and Zack. She thought I was going to kill him, I threw a glass and I didn't intentionally miss...I guess I just don't have great aim, sue me for it.
It hurt so much more with Diana, I thought she was going to tell me worse. That she had 'slipped' and ended up sleeping with her, I trust Diana but Josephine was her teacher too and she's older, yes, but Diana could also find her more attractive too.
Now, I don't think I'm ugly, I know that I'm not. But Josephine is just...different and maybe Diana would like different. All this shit went through my head in the minutes she told me, at first I didn't believe her when she said she pulled back immediately because of how panicked she was while telling me.
I know that she would pull back now, but in that moment every thought raced through my mind and I felt like breaking down because of it. I was most afraid of her admitting she kissed her back—because I don't even know if I'd leave her if it actually came to it.
God, it feels like she has me under some spell these last two years and I don't even want it to be broken.
I stand up from the bed walking over to the closet, I grab a pair of socks putting them on. My head is pounding because of this shit and the house is fucking freezing.
I look over to Diana's suitcase, the one from Yale which is still not unpacked. I walk closer to it kneeling down as I notice something inside. I move some of her clothes aside before picking up the familiar German shepherd stuffed animal.
I hold it, looking down on it as my shoulders slump. Benji, our 'child' that we shared custody for. She got the weekdays and I got the weekends. I'd get the often 'how's our child?' message while we were still in school because she could almost never start a conversation otherwise. Always to nervous to text me. I mean, when was she not nervous around me back then?
Yale was much different though, she took him always because she said he helped her sleep when she was missing me. God, I missed her all the time no matter what I had. I hate admitting stuff like that but I wanted her with me constantly, I still do whenever she's away from me and it bugs me sometimes.
"Natalie!" I hear Tatum shouting from downstairs, I put the stuffed toy down before getting up quickly.
I leave the closet switching off the light before making my way across the bedroom.
"Nat—"
"I'm coming, relax!" I say and I hear her start laughing making me roll my eyes. I shut the bedroom door behind me before walking down the hall.
I spot Tatum by the door in a leather jacket with a tank top beneath along with blue jeans. She holds up a bag and I look at it as I walk down the stairs.
"Brought drinks." She says and I look at her, fantastic.
"To make up for sleeping with my ex wife?" I ask and she drops her hand.
"Why did you even message me?" She scoffs.
"Because there was nobody else to message." I say walking to the kitchen, she follows closely behind.
"I'm flattered." I can almost hear the smile in her voice, I choose to ignore it incase I turn back and slap her...by accident, of course.
I walk over to the counter as she walks around it sitting up on a stool as she sets a bag down. She pulls out a bottle of beer sliding it to me. I pick it up looking at it.
"Do you want to smoke?" She questions and I shake my head.
"No."
"Right then...Where's Blondie?" She asks and I sigh, I turn around to the drawer, pulling it out as I pick up a bottle opener before closing the drawer with my hip.
"Oh fuck, did she.." Tatum looks at me, I look back at her opening the bottle of beer.
"The professor kissed her, she was staying with us the last while."
"Oh shit."
"Yes, oh shit. She didn't kiss her back but she kept it from me, Tatum. We had sex—"
"I can see that." She nods, looking at my neck. I pull at my shirt uncomfortably and annoyed.
"She left hickeys on me for Christ sake. All while keeping the kiss from me, I don't know if I should be mad but in the moment she told me I just felt like I did when I confronted Olivia and Zack but worse—My heart fucking..." I stop lifting the bottle to my lips taking a long sip instead as I look at the wall.
"She fucked you while keeping a kiss with her Professor from you?"
"Mhm. I know she didn't kiss her back so that's why I feel like shit for being mad but you don't keep that from your fiancée then touch her and beg her to touch you—then admit you were upset the whole time about it." I raise my voice slightly.
"How long did she keep it for?"
"About an hour or so."
"That's not even that long." Tatum shrugs, leaning onto the counter as she grabs the bottle opener.
"What?" I look at her, expecting her to tell me fuck the anger out, dump her or sleep with someone else.
"It's Blondie, she's a nervous wreck most of the time. She can't hold eye contact with anyone but you, I've flirted with her numerous times and she's told you each time to ignored me. Wasn't the same with Olivia, of course it was a joke but Olivia thought I was serious." Tatum shrugs and I look at the counter, running my tongue along my teeth, annoyed.
"Why did you even fuck Olivia?" I put my hands on the counter.
"You wouldn't touch her, Natalie. The woman was desperate, I told her no but we got drinking and you know how I get." She says and I hum taking another sip of my beer. I'm a criminal for not wanting sex, Jesus why haven't I been given a life sentence?
"Why is sex everything? I mean you always have sex. Why don't you ever let someone love you instead? You hurt Maria when she was just trying to get you to let her in." I say and she looks up at me. This is turning into a therapy session, I'm afraid.
"I'm not the kind of woman you love, Natalie. I'm just the one you fuck." She says and I look at her for a moment.
"You've never let someone love you. When you love someone, sex is much better too." I say and she sighs.
"I always end up ruining it, Snow. I ruined the one good thing I had, the friendship with you because your wife begged for a fuck. This isn't about me anyway, this is about you and Blondie." Tatum sighs taking a sip of her own beer. I sigh too.
"I'll...figure it out with Diana. Talk to me, you." I pick up my beer walking around the counter, I pull out the stool beside her sitting onto it.
"Don't do this therapy thing, it's weird. We're both the weirded out ones about this kind of stuff." She glances to me.
"I'm not doing therapy, I'm talking to you."
"I fucked your wife, Natalie."
"Mhm, maybe, I don't forgive you for that but I also don't want you to constantly push away love when it really can change you for the better." I say leaning my elbow onto the cold countertop.
"Why are we talking about love when you're having problems with it now?" She looks at me and I look down at the glass bottle in my hand.
"I don't know. Me and Diana are different...I'm not sure what's going to happen with her but I love her, I'm in love with her in a way I've never loved Olivia and at the beginning I shut my feelings out. I slept with other women, well Olivia to try push the feelings away. But there wasn't those butterflies with Olivia anymore, with Diana at the start I can still remember that giddy feeling and those butterflies because I still get them to this day...Now, how many women have you slept with since Maria?" I ask and she stares at the counter, the muscle in her jaw tightening. Let's hope she has kept track.
"I'm not shaming you, I'm talking to you." I say picking up my drink taking a sip again.
"None."
"What?"
"I don't know, Natalie—I can't do it anymore, I'm after bringing women home but I feel sick when I try touch them." She says and I keep looking at her, she looks uncomfortable.
"Why did you hit her?"
"When you grow up in a house like I did, Mom going through men some of them hitting her—I tried talking to her and she told me it's love, I seen so much of it, it's just what I knew. When I get angry now I just...I don't know." She shrugs. I chew the inside of my mouth.
"You're not like your Mom or those men, Tatum." I tell her.
"Yes I am, Snow. Don't suck up."
"I'm not, you idiot. You know Diana grew up in a...not so great house either, she has never laid a hand on me, she's nothing like them even though sometimes she questions if she is. The abused doesn't become the abuser, that only happens if you let it." I say and she glances to me. It's much more complicated than that but I'm afraid if I go into too much detail with Tatum she might cry.
"She's different."
"And so are you from the people who raised you." I tell her, she looks down, keeping her eyes there.
"I hate you." She elbows me and I smile.
"I love you, Tatum." I say and she looks to me.
"Oh, fuck off." She rolls her eyes.
"What? Even though I have many reasons to hate you, I keep going back because I believe you can change, you idiot. Even though you make it really hard sometimes to believe it. You have been there for me since we were kids, I really do love and appreciate you...most of the time." I tell her.
"You should have a kid, you're seriously like a mother." She looks at me and I roll my eyes.
"Shut up." I say.
"Oh, and tell anyone about this, asshole, I'll kill you." I say and she snorts.
"I love you, Snow." She laughs.
"Alright, shut up now. I feel sick because of this." I stand up and she laughs more.
"You're the one that got soft."
"To make you feel better." I grab my bottle walking back around the counter.
"You called me over to tell me about your own issues. Tell me." She says and I look to her.
"My issue is that I had to control my anger earlier, one that felt very intense to the point I was worried about ending up in cuffs because of Josephine." I say and Tatum laughs.
"What about Blondie? You gonna forgive her or put her in cuffs instead?" Tatum questions and I smile putting my hand to my head. That's the Tatum I did not miss so much.
"Fuck off."
"Could definitely work for anger."
"Yes but unfortunately handcuffing my fiancée and having sex with her is something I really don't want at the moment. I'm angry at the thought of sex."
"Sex is great."
"Not when your fiancée admits to being upset during it."
"Did she not beg you?"
"She did, Tatum. But she said she was upset and wanted to touch me once more incase I left her—why is the last thing she even wants from me sex? How does she not expect me to feel guilty for touching her and not realising she was upset?" I question and she looks at the counter.
"That's not your fault—"
"But it is. I should have realised when she was sobbing on the bathroom floor that after it was not the time, that I should have comforted her in a better way."
"She begged you, Natalie. The girl hid it from you well."
"I still feel guilty. I don't care—I always make sure she's comfortable, that every single thing we do is what she wants, I feel guilty knowing now she was upset...It's so stupid and frustrating and none it would have happened if I just said no to that woman staying with us."
"I bet she was ugly."
"She wasn't. She was older, thirties maybe. Always close and touching Diana, I caught her eyes where they weren't supposed to be numerous times."
"Should have slapped her." Tatum picks up her beer and I hum.
"I did earlier, she spoke to Diana too about hearing us have sex—"
"Pervert."
"That's what I said. She wanted to touch Diana—she said it all to her—the other day she was calling me disloyal and everything. Kissing someone who is engaged does not make her so innocent."
"Where's Blondie now?" Tatum questions.
"I don't know, I want to call her and tell her come home but I'm still mad. Mad about everything...She said Diana is going to leave me soon too." I say and Tatum laughs.
"That's a lie."
"What if it's not? What if Diana realises she should have kissed Josephine?" I look to Tatum, she drops her shoulders.
"You're dumb, Natalie."
"No, I'm not. I was with Olivia for six years—"
"And you said you never felt that kind of love with Olivia." She sighs picking up her beer again.
"But Dianas only ever been with me, she could experience a different love with someone else." I speak and Tatum looks at me weirdly.
"Natalie, take a look at yourself for shits sake. Take a long minute to think about how you talk about that girl and treat her, from what I know you love her more than you've ever loved anything. From being around the two of you, she feels the same." Tatum says and I look at her for a second.
"Are you tearing up, Snow?" She asks and I shake my head looking down quickly.
"No—I just..." I wipe beneath my eyes, fuck sake.
"Holy shit, you're actually crying." Tatum stands up and I lift my head facing away from her.
"It's my period—I get all weird on it, Tatum, Shut up." I begin to sniffle and I feel her hand in my shoulder, I block my face.
"Liar, you had sex earlier—just bring it in, Snow, let it out." Tatum pulls me against her, I try to pull away but she wraps her arms around me—I drop my hands wrapping my arms around her too.
"Fuck you." I say and Tatum laughs patting my back.
"Never thought I would see the day that Natalie snow would shed a tear. I definitely didn't think two years ago it would be about that blonde girl." Tatum says and I laugh while crying.
"This is mortifying."
"No it's not, you're all soft and in love. You're allowed to cry when something goes wrong." She tells me and I pull back wiping my eyes, forcing myself to stop crying before I throw myself out a window...seriously, I don't cry—and especially not around Tatum.
"I'm just afraid." I say taking a breath.
"You're hot when you cry." Tatum says and I roll my eyes, pressing my fingers to the corners of them.
"What are you afraid of—sorry, I forgot." She asks and I glance to the ceiling.
"Of losing her, I could deal with losing Olivia...Diana—I wrote a book about her, Tatum. I spent two years, longer because it just started when we began sleeping with each other—I thought it was a great idea to write a book about it." I laugh and Tatum looks at me weirdly.
"You wrote a book?"
"Yes, I love writing, Tatum. I've been doing it since I was a teenager, Diana's the first person I told about it. I wanted to tell Olivia but she wasn't interested in the books I would tell her about. I go by a different name publishing my books because my editor said I had great ideas and people would love them—I felt more comfortable making books and having nobody know who I really am." I say and she hums.
"What's the name?"
"That's a secret I won't even tell you."
I hear the front door shutting, I look to Tatum and she looks back at me.
"I better go then, call me though." Tatum nods at me and I glance to the kitchen doorway, watching Diana pass with a bag on her back, making her way towards the stairs.
She didn't leave with a bag.
"No, call an Uber. You've had a beer, Tatum." I look to her and she grins.
"You worried, Snow?"
"Yes I am. I hate you but I don't hate you that much." I roll my eyes and she cackles like a witch, I look at her concerned now.
"You said you loved me two seconds ago."
"Mhm, to make you feel better, dickhead. Call an Uber and get out." I say and she winks at me, I hold up my middle finger as I stick my tongue out making her laugh more.