"Veronica. What the fuck is this?"
Fuck
My chest is heavy, tightening with fear unlike any I have ever felt before as I gawk at the papers sprawled out before me. The ultrasound I meant to trash a long time ago, papers of my confirmation of termination, and the journal filled with only one self loathing entry displayed for me to see. I kept it all under my bed for a while, my dirty little secret I head wall to myself. Not being able to let go of what had happened to me. Not being able to let go of what could of been. Truthfully, once Noah came back into my life I was unable to even think of the old shoe box full of my past that laid under my bed. Never thinking anyone, let alone him, would find it.
"Noah. Please let me explain" I try to reason. Seeing his eyes grow dark with a nearly uncontrollable rage, and my heart sweeps with fear as he stands. His fists drawn into a tight ball at his sides as he walks over to me. One meticulous foot after the other, I watch his nostril flare and veins begin to protrude angrily. A deep sadness kissing his glossy eyes, and making them nearly black.
"Oh? You want me to give you a second to explain your side? Like the many times you gave me?" He growls, his voice kissed with a distaste I have never heard from him.
It's unearthing and makes my body tremble with disgust. Guilt racking my bones , and cornering me somewhere between panic and rage.
I grimace, biting back tears as I take in his grating tone. I know he is right. Even if it is a low blow, it's still true. I never once gave him the opportunity to give his side of the story when he wanted to. When he begged, I kept my mind narrow and my heart guarded. My opinion made up all on my own without caring to hear his side.
Oh how the tables have turned.
"I know I was wrong for that. But if you give me a minute I promise I-" I begin but I am cut off when he angrily picks up the ultrasound and lifts it above his chest. His eyes seething with emotion that I can't pick apart, the base of them pooling with liquid that he's fighting hard to keep back. His lips are curled with a pensive grin that causes pain to bellow down on my chest.
"You were pregnant. And you didn't bother to even fucking tell me? The only reason I found out was because the stupid fucking cat ran under your bed and got into your box of secrets!" He barks, looking at the photo for a moment before crumbling it in his palms and fisting it against his chest.
My heart sinks at the sight, a wave of panic taking over and causing my hands to tingle with a blind anger. He can't discard the only thing I have left of him, her.. it. That isn't his place. And the thought of his disregard makes me ignite with a rage so fierce my body starts to convulse.
"Don't fucking do that" I snap, snatching away the picture and unwrinckling it across the island that's decorated with a table cloth and plates packed full of my favorite foods. It's only now that I fully take in the decorated space before me. The ballon arch hung just above the balcony door. The streamers hanging from the ceiling and happy birthday printed on every plate and cup that sits neatly on the counters. I feel the tears spring to my eyes before anything else, and I can't hold them back. Hot liquid falling from my eyes and clouding my vision as I look from the now flawed photo to Noah, my breath catching in my throat.
"How could you do this?" He breathes after a moment, his voice now low and reaped with anguish.
"It's complicated " I debate, not ready to admit the truth. Not yet.
This isn't how I wanted it go to.
"Oh that's rich" he proclaims.
"You have no right to be mad right now" I know it's dishonest, but I need to defend myself. He's so angry and although I know Noah is far from any man I have ever been with his rage still terrifies me. Reminding me of just how small I am, and I can't stand that feeling. The walls that have crumbled around me quickly building up once again as defensiveness takes over and my mind begins to refrain back.
"I have every single right to be mad, Veronica! You not only up and left while I was gone away on tour, not even being able to defend myself might I add, But you have the nerve to be pissed at me for two fucking years while you were hiding something like THIS from me" he's more hurt than anything, his once raised in pitch voice now dropped and dripping with an icy tone that leaves his voice wavering.
My throat has long dried up by now, all moisture lost in the same space as my voice as I try to come up with something to say. He's right. And I know it. I should have been honest not just when I saw him again but two years ago when this whole nightmare started. I was scared, cowardly and only thinking of myself in this situation. Thinking that I was the only liability effected by it all, not realizing that in its wake I made Noah a victim as well.
Even if I would have been able to have a healthy full term pregnancy, I would have still made the same decision. And that fact alone is what makes me feel the most guilty. I am just a selfish machine. Undeserving of an forms of love and unable to fully commit with much of anything. Let alone a child.
"Noah. I'm sorry. Just let me explain everything" I plea, finally able to speak. Forcing the words out causes my throat to ache, my chest rattling more as I watch him shake his head and circle around the island and into the living room.
"There's nothing to explain. You aborted our baby and had no fucking plan on telling me. Ever. " hes stagnant as he speaks, and that alone rattles me to the core. He grabs his hoodie from off of one of my recliners that he draped it across hours ago. Throwing his arms through the sleeves and pushing out his head.
"I never expected this kind of betrayal from you of all people." He spits out at me, shoving his feet into the vans that sit next to my front door as he readies himself to leave.
"You were fucking someone else behind my back, Noah!" I all but scream, feeling my body jolt with anger as I recall who truly ignited the fire that fateful night. Remembering the bitter taste he left in my mouth only hours after being on hers. She ways the true point of contingency that no one head even bothered to solve. And ever after walk this time I am reaping what she had a hand in sewing. The world feels like it slows down as he inches his way closer to the door, right foot leading the other as I count the steps.
One.. My heart pounding so violently I can not hear anything other than it drumming in my ears.
Two.. I feel like I could explode with panic, fear and anger as I watch him gather his stuff and head for the door.
Three.. I try to spit out the truth, but it's lost. Sinking into my bones to be buried down somewhere deep in the abyss of my mind that it's lost. As much as I want to tell him the truth, I can't. The words never finding my mouth as I watch the repercussions of my lies fortify before me.
He doesn't speak, he just shakes his head in disapproval as his eyes cast down to the ground that all but feels as if it's crumbling beneath us.
"Please" I beg, stepping forward to take ahold of his hand, but he pulls away and shoots daggers in my direction.
"Don't, Veronica. You didn't tell me about a baby. Our fucking baby, Roni. A life you and I created together. And made the decision to terminate that very life without even fucking talking to me first" he spits, this time his voice is full of anger and displeasure. A grimace painting his face as he reflects on my actions and looks down at me with disgust. I've never seen him this way before, and certainly not pointed towards me.
The anger pulses through me like boiling magma at his words. His need to feel entitled in the decision making of something he has not even the slightest inkling about was infuriating. It was a hard choice to make, I've spent all of the last two years learning to cope with it all. Learning how to live with myself after ending a potential life has been hard enough, the last thing I need is his criticism. He has every right to be upset, but he hasn't even bothered to ask me why. I feel the spiteful words crawl up my throat like a flood that can't be stopped. I can't think or process what I am saying before the dam breaks and it's spilling from my mouth.
"I don't even know if the baby was yours!" I scream. My eyes overflowing with hot tears that can't be stopped. They fall from the vessels and decorate my face with their saltiness sadness. My whole body burning as the numbness begins to settle in and nestle into my bone. It's been pushed back for so long now that it's finally coming back full throttle and with a vengeance that can't be satisfied.
I watch as a plethora of emotions wash over him, going from confused to angry and settling on sad. He doesn't say another word as he grabs his keys from the hook beside the door, slipping on his north face windbreaker over his hoodie and gripping the knob. Time passes by in a flash now, it feels like I am being sucked into a empty black hole as I watch him stand there with his hand holding the door. He's looking down at his feet and I can't help but wonder what is going on in his head. It sounds worse than what it is, I should have clarified what I meant. But even as my world crumbles apart I am finding it hard to admit what has happened to me. What he did. And how Even after all these years I am still reaping what he sewed in me.
Even when I thought he didn't have the power I now see it's quite the opposite.
He still holds all the power over me.
Noah cocks his head sideways, giving me a glossy eyed look and a hallow smile that plays at his lips, failing to disguise how he truly feels.
"The annulment papers will be done in the next few days. I will have them sent over to you" his voice is flat, and robotic. His words strike me to the bone and cause a chill to rumble through me as I watch him yank the door open and walk through. Not bothering to give me a second glance before existing and slamming the door behind him so harshly a few photos rattle from the recoil.
It doesn't take me long to fall to my knees, the denim of my jeans rubbing against my skin as they hit the harsh carpet and causing a burn to break out along my flesh. It's muted by the pain that radiates through my chest, pricking my nerves as my body shatters and tingles with an unearthing ache. I let out a scream that could break glass, my throat crying out for help as I dig my nails into the carpet beneath me.
I always knew he would leave when he found out the truth, I just never anticipated it hurting so bad. And although I thought I built up a thick enough shell- a hard enough armor to protect me from the aftermath. But I was wrong. As I feel my heart splinter away into a million pieces I finally realize that this is how I made him feel. Leaving him with nothing but his thoughts and unmendable emotions to deal with and no answers to why.
"He raped me" I try to scream but I can only manage to get out a strangled whisper.
But it's too late now.
He's gone.
—
MERRY CHRISTMAS! HAPPY HOLIDAYS! HERE IS MY GIFT TO YOU GUYS!! I HOPE YOU ENJOY AND ALSO WANT TO WARN YOU ALL THAT THE NEXT UPDATE MAY NE DELAYED DUE TO MY PHONE SCREEN BREAKING LOL.
ALSO MY PHOTOS HAVENT BEEN UPLOADING ON CHAPTERS SO I HAVE TO ADD THEM TO THE TEXTS LOL
GIVE ME YOUR THOUGHTS AND OPINIONS <3
UNTIL NEXT TIME!!!