I have always considered myself an unlucky child – I was born on the day my grandfather died, when I turned two, my mother lost her only sister, and when I was three, Mama's plan to leave with her then-boyfriend was thwarted because he found out about me.
Kaya naman tuwing umiiyak si Mama at iniisa-isa n'ya ang kamalasang dala ko sa buhay n'ya ay tahimik na umiiyak lang ako sa isang sulok dahil tanggap ko na kasalanan ko lahat. At tuwing may hindi magandang balita na dumarating ay pakiramdam ko ay dahil sa akin 'yun kasi naniniwala akong malas ako.
When my mother met my stepfather, I thought the tides would turn – that we would become a happy family. And we were, for a while. But fortune always had its habit of turning its back on me and from a family of three, we became a family of four whose father was a drunkard and abusive and whose mother was too weak to fight for herself and her children. And when my brother died when he was just ten months old, my mother generously blamed me for the misfortune that had befallen her.
I was six when I first started contemplating suicide. At six years old, I was already tired and felt hopeless. But, fate, as if changing its mind about making my life hell, sent someone to help me connect with my biological father and on that same year when I thought about ending it, my life changed.
When I met my father, I felt hopeful for the second time but life taught me very quickly that hope does not last long for someone like me – I learned that I was as unwelcomed and as unwanted in my father's home as I was in my mother's. But, fate again flirted with me – it sent me my grandparents—Nana and Papa—who made me feel, for the first time, that I mattered.
Growing up, I was one of the four Asian Americans in our small community in Texas and we were relentlessly bullied. The bullying did not bring us together unlike what I had expected – maybe we were too afraid that if we came together we would be targeted as a group and the bullying would become more brutal.
I was in second grade when another student transferred – he was four years older and his stepmother, Tita Arlene, was a Filipina.
Tita Arlene was a five-foot woman in her late twenties who used to be a nurse in the Philippines until she met her husband on one of the dating sites. She did not have her own children, but her husband had four sons from his previous marriage. Tita Arlene was loquacious and she had no qualms about asking things that others would have trepidations inquiring.
"O, nasaan ang Mama mo? Hindi ko yata nakikitang sinusundo ka tuwing sinusundo ko sa school si Bobby?"
"Hindi ko po kasama."
"Bakit? Nauna ka bang kunin ng Daddy mo? Isusunod daw ba s'ya?"
"Hindi po. May sarili na po kasi s'yang pamilya. Pareho po silang may kanya-kanyang pamilya ng Daddy ko po."
Her youngest stepson, Bobby, and I were not friends but Tita Arlene acted like a second mother to me. When Tita Arlene learned about my story, she took me under her wing. She introduced herself to my grandparents and they became friends. When she learned that I was being bullied, she requested a meeting with my school's principal and threatened to report him to the school board if no action would be taken. When that did not work, she went and talked to the student's parents and even posted on Facebook about it.
"Inaabangan ka pa rin ba ng mga 'yun, Brennon? Sabihin mo sa akin para kausapin ko ang mga magulang nila ulit. Napakababata pero napakawalang modo."
"Hindi na po, Tita."
"Mabuti naman. Sa susunod h'wag kang magpapaapi. Magsumbong ka kapag may nanggagago sa'yo. Aba, nananalaytay yata sa katawan natin ang dugo nina Lapu-lapu, Gabriela Silang, at Andres Bonifacio. Hinding-hindi tayo papayag na malulupig ng mga dayuhan."
Tita Arlene's husband was in the construction business and he wasn't always around. When I was in fifth grade, Tita Arlene found out that her husband was keeping another family in Kansas and asked for a divorce.
"'Yung ibinilin ko sa'yo, Brennon, ha. H'wag nagpapaapi sa mga puting 'yan. Lumaban ka. Kapag tinadyakan ka tadyakan mo rin. Kapag sinuntok ka, suntukin mo rin."
"Saan na po kayo titira, Tita?"
"Maghahanap ng ibang magmamahal sa akin," Tita Arlene replied laughing. "Akala siguro ni Douglas ay ako 'yung tipo ng babaeng iiyak lang sa isang tabi dahil nambabae ang mister n'ya. Tarantado ba 'yun? Bakit ako iiyak, eh, wala kaming prenup?" she added.
Tita Arlene left Texas after leaving me her extensive collection of Tagalog movies and songs on CDs. She said that they were too heavy for her to carry.
"Panuorin mo ang mga palabas at pakinggan mo ang mga kanta. Naibsan ang lungkot at pangungulila ko sa atin dahil sa mga 'yan. Alam mo bang original 'yan lahat at binili ko pa ang mga 'yan sa Pinas?"
"Salamat po, Tita..."
"Walang anuman. Naku, ma-mi-miss kita..." She grew teary-eyed while looking at me. "Sinabi ko sa lolo at lola mo na binu-bully ka sa school noon at baka kapag umalis naman ako ay mangyayari uli. Ang sabi nila ay sila na raw ang magbabantay sa'yo at sisiguraduhin daw nilang hindi na mauulit 'yun—o, bakit ka umiiyak? Itong batang 'to talaga, lalo mo naman akong pinapaiyak, eh."
"Ma-mi-miss ko po kayo, Tita..."
Tita Arlene hugged me tightly. "Sa halos anim na taon ko sa bansang ito, ikaw lang ang ma-mi-miss ko. Ipagdadasal kita palagi. Mag-iingat ka rito, ha. Sana ibigay ng pagkakataon na magkita tayo ulit."
I did not hear from Tita Arlene again but she was right, the collection of CDs she gave me eased the loneliness for a while.
When I started middle school, I experienced a growth spurt and I was taller than most of the boys in my class. The bullying stopped but I was still typecasted as an outcast. But, I did not mind because my grandparents made sure that when I got home, I had all the love, care, and attention I needed. And I was happy.
But as the cliché goes, what fate giveth, fate taketh away and I found myself without a home at eighteen when Nana and Pops died in a vehicular accident.
"I was able to convince your aunts and uncles to let you finish high school first before we sell the house," my Dad told me two days after my grandparents' funeral. "That way you can continue living here until you graduate."
"Thank you, Sir," I replied.
I never got around to calling my father Dad. In the few months that I came to live with him and his family, he was more of a benefactor than a father to me.
"Your grandad had told me that you got accepted at UT Austin. They were planning to throw a large party for you—"
"I never really liked parties..." I quietly said.
My father sighed. "Look, Bren, I know that this is devastating for you. This was crushing to all of us, too. But life has to go on..."
I wanted to tell him that it wasn't that easy for me – he and his siblings may have lost their parents but they have their own families to come home to and comfort them; I had no one.
"My family will be driving to Minnesota tonight. I can stay with you for a few days to help get you settled. Dad mentioned that the three of you were planning to look at student apartments at UT Austin. I can do that with you—"
"I would like to go back home, Sir..." I replied.
My father hesitated. Maybe he thought that I was going to come and live with them. "Well...um...I can talk to my wife...and we can probably make arrangements for you..."
"No, Sir. I would like to go back to the Philippines," I clarified.
"Philippines?"
"Yes."
"Why?"
"College is more affordable there," I lied because I couldn't exactly tell my father that with two of the people I love most in the world gone, the solitude would probably kill me.
"Are you sure about that, Bren? You see your mother—"
"I am not going to look for her, Sir. I understand your arrangement with her. Nana explained it to me. My mother had signed her parental rights over to you. I won't go looking for her."
"So, you would be living there alone?"
"Yes, Sir."
"But, Bren—"
"I'd be living alone here, too, Sir."
"But, at least you have me...and your brothers and sisters..."
"No, Sir, I don't," I replied with a sad smile. "With Nana and Papa gone, I might as well be an orphan...."
Did I hate my father? No, I never did. He wasn't much of a father figure but it was enough that he recognized me as his son when he adopted me. My standards weren't that high when it came to the man who sired me.
"Are you sure about your decision, Bren?"
"Yes, Sir," I replied as my father drove me to the airport.
"You should have at least attended your graduation. Your Nan would have wanted you to," he told me before sighing. "Bren—"
"It's okay, Sir. I do not see the point of attending my graduation when no one would be there to celebrate it with me..."
"I would have attended your graduation had you asked me to."
"That's the sad thing, Sir..."
"What?"
"You waiting for your son to ask you to attend his graduation when you knew that he had no one."
My father grew quiet at what I said.
"I am not angry at you, Sir. I am grateful that you risked taking me in despite knowing that it would cause trouble in your family. I sincerely hope that the damage I did to your family is repairable."
"It's not your fault...son..." my father said, his voice thick with emotion. "I'm sorry, Bren. I'm so sorry that I wasn't around then and am not being the father you need now..."
"You recognized me as your son. That's more than enough."
My father and I parted on good terms. I knew that I could call on him and he knew that he could do the same.
I was just six when I left the Philippines but when I got off that plane and breathed Manila's air again after twelve years, I felt more welcomed than when I lived those twelve years in Texas.
"This is a parlor long ago," the caretaker of the rundown building told me in broken English. "The owner is my pinsan wife."
"Ahh...I see..."
"There was fire and this building was fire. My pinsan wife go back to the U.S. so they sell this."
"Are we firm on the price?" I asked.
"Come, come, let's sit there at the coffee shop down the road. It's hot."
I followed him and we both ordered drinks.
"They selling it for one point five million. I'm giving it to you for one million four hundred thousand. I make you tawad. It's very cheap. The lot is 187 square meters and the building is three stories."
"But, the building is useless after it was razed by the fire. I will have to spend money to have that building demolished so a new one can be constructed. Besides, this area is more residential than commercial. There's not much foot traffic here."
"No, no, no, there's lot people here."
"I am staying nearby so I know that this place is empty most of the time. But, before we negotiate the price, I'd like to see the documents first."
"Okay, I have Xerox here because you say I bring it. You check if they real. But, you're foreigner, you can't buy land in Philippines. You have to marry a Pinay so she can buy land for you. I know someone."
I laughed. "I can take care of that, Manong."
Weeks later, I became the proud owner of that lot. It became the first of many. And if there was something that I am grateful to my mother for, it's the fact that she's a Filipina thus giving me the right to own properties in the country I chose to be my home.
"Kaya ka naman 'di nagkakaroon ng girlfriend ay dahil ayaw mong bumili ng kotse," my good friend, Henry laughingly told me over the phone. "Ang malas mo talaga mo talaga sa mga babae." Seven years as friends later and he still blames my lack of luck in the romance department for everything.
"Ano naman ang kinalaman ng kotse sa babae?" I replied.
"Ano ka ba, hindi ka ba talaga nagbabasa ng magazines? Women are three times more attracted to men who own a car."
"Pucha, partida motor pa lang meron ako pero puro mababaw na ang nagiging girlfriends ko, paano na lang kung may kotse na ako? Baka sa sobrang babaw n'ya ay umapaw na s'ya."
"Gago. Kunin mo na kasi 'yung oto. Nasa horoscope mo, o. Makakatagpo ka raw ngayong gabi ng babaeng isasakay mo d'un."
"Ano ba 'yan, Laus, puro ka kalokohan."
"Nandito nga. Hindi ba't Scorpio ka? Ito, ha, babasahin ko. Scorpio has loved and lost more than any of us. Instead of holding out for perfection, adjust your parameters to look for someone who isn't afraid to work on themselves and put in the legwork to make your relationship a success. Mercury is in its seventh position until the 28th of the month. You have until then to find that someone special—"
"Henry, hindi ka na naman umabot sa quota mo, ano?"
My friend laughed. "Hindi, eh. Galit na galit na naman si Erpats."
"Eh, pucha, puro pambababae lang kasi ang inaatupag mo. At talagang idadamay mo pa ako d'yan sa mga kalokohan mo."
"Bren, concerned lang ako sa'yo."
"Gago."
"Totoo. 'Tsaka 28 na ngayon, last day na kaya bilisan mong kumilos. Mag-bar ka kaya muna. Malay mo nand'un ang swerte? At nang sa gan'un kapag may girlfriend ka na ay bibilhin mo na rin 'yung Porsche rito na naghihintay sa'yo."
"Ewan ko sa'yo—teka parang may kumakatok. Bye na, Henry."
"Hoy, teka—"
"Bye!"
I had no intention of answering the knock on my door but it was a useful excuse to end Henry's brand of marketing coercion. I had known from experience that the streets of Olongapo are littered with people who are rarely sober during weekends and I was in no mood to be tolerating.
But, the knocking continued. "Excuse me! Excuse me!"
"Ano ba 'to, ang kulit..." I murmured to myself as I logged out of my computer before turning it off.
"Hoy! Akala ko ba bukas kayo hanggang alas dos, ha!"
I frowned hearing a woman's voice. Sino na naman ba 'to? Baka ito 'yung ex-girlfriend ni Marlon, manggugulo na naman dito?
With a sigh, I pushed to my feet to tell off whoever was knocking on my shop's door with the large CLOSED sign.
"Sarado na kami, Miss!" I said.
A young woman squinted drunkenly at me. "What?" she asked putting your ear against the glass window.
Oh, Christ...
"CLOSED!" I pointed at the sign. "Kita mo namang naka-off na ang mga ilaw, eh..."
"I can read! Open the door!"
Laklak pa...
"Close na nga kami."
"Eh, 'di magbukas kayo!"
"Sorry, pero sarado na."
"No!"
Hay...
"Open the door! Now!"
"Nagsimula sa patikim-tikim, pinilit kong gustuhin. Bisyo'y nagsimulang lumalim..." I sung under my breath as I turned the outdoor lights on and then opened the door a little. "Pasensya ka na, Miss, sarado na kasi kami—"
I stopped talking, my mind instantly going blank when I saw her up close – she was pouting and stomping her foot like a wayward child and I could not make sense of what she was saying but darn, she was a sight.
Magpapa-tattoo kaya 'to—fuck, Bren, stop. 'Yan ka na naman...
"I'm sorry, Miss, wala na 'yung mga tattoo artists ko, eh, umuwi na. Bukas na lang. Alas diez ng umaga kami nagbubukas," I said trying so hard to sound like an authority figure.
"No! I want a tattoo and a piercing now!"
Diyos ko, 'Ne, kung kapatid lang kita ay baka pinalo na kita sa puwit. Umuwi ka nang bata ka!
"You're drunk," I calmly told her.
She placed her hands on either side of your hips as if to challenge me. "O, tapos?"
I sighed trying to be as patient as I could. "Pasensya na po, Ma'am, bukas na lang po..."
"Hindi nga pwede bukas sabi, eh! Kasi kung bukas pa, I am going to chicken out and change my mind!" she said before she started sobbing. "Please. Sir, please...it's my birthday and my boyfriend broke up with me. I have a shitty day. Please..."
Boyfriend? Nagkakagan'yan ka dahil sa boyfriend? Iba rin. Nasa sixteen years old lang yata to, eh.
"Sir, please..."
"Kahit gusto kitang pagbigyan pero pauwi na talaga ako—"
"Bakit?"
Mali, fifteen years old lang 'to...
"Kasi luluwas pa ako ng Maynila."
"Bakit?"
Fourteen?
"Kasi may kailangan akong asikasuhin."
"Ano?"
Trese. Trese anyos lang 'tong isang 'to, malaking bulas lang.
"Diyos ko, ang kulit mo. Ipagpabukas mo na 'yan. Besides, lasing ka and you might regret getting a tattoo now or getting a piercing while you're drunk."
"I'm willing to pay. How much do you need? I have money, sabihin mo lang..."
"'Ne, ganito 'yan—"
"He called me frigid..."
Alarm bells started ringing inside my head. "Excuse me?"
Shit, is someone abusing her?
"My boyfriend, he said he's breaking up with me because I'm frigid."
Fuck! Someone, probably an older guy, is taking advantage of this kid! I better call Allan, naka-duty ba sa police station 'yun ngayon—
"Do I look frigid to you? See? I don't look frigid, right? Why would he call me that? Because he can't get past second base? Because he's a blundering idiot and he makes me nervous every time he tries to...shit..."
What? Okay, this kid is not making sense. Dalhin ko na lang 'to sa presinto para makapagsampa s'ya ng kaso kung gusto n'ya—
"He cheated on me with my cousin..."
Love triangle pa pala 'to. No wonder she's devastated.
"So, please...I just need a tattoo and a piercing...right now...please."
"Ganito kasi—"
"Sir, sige na naman, o...isang maliit na tattoo lang naman, eh, 'tsaka isang piercing. I'll pay you double. Please, please, help me. H'wag ka nang dumagdag pa sa listahan ng mga taong ipapakulam ko."
I laughed because the threat sounded so childish. "Halika na nga."
I intended to let her spend the night inside my shop while I would go home to get some sleep. I believed that it would be safer for her since she was inebriated enough to make a series of bad choices.
"Umupo ka muna, I'll bring you the folder with the tattoo designs. Saan mo ba balak magpalagay ng tattoo?"
"On my hip..."
Bakit ba uso sa mga babae ang magpalagay ng tattoo doon?
"Okay. Wait, let me just wash my hands. Anong klaseng piercing ba ang ipapalagay mo? Nose ring, navel ring, tongue—"
"Clit."
I stopped in my tracks, my mind blown. "I'm sorry, what?"
"I want a clit ring. You do clit rings, right?"
I turned to look at her. She was swinging her feet while seated. "Do you even know what a clit ring is?" I carefully asked.
"Yes, I did my research!" she proudly told me.
"Hm..."
"What?"
"Is this some spur-of-the-moment thing o matagal mo ba itong pinag-isipan? Are you even legal?"
"I'm twenty-two."
Twenty-two? Hm...pwede—pucha, Bren, nand'yan ka na naman, para ka talagang kanta ni Gary Valenciano, 'di na natuto.
"Twenty-two ka na?"
"Yes, I'm twenty-two, do you need to see my ID?"
Ay, aba, halika dine at ika'y gagawin ko nang akin... I had laughed softly my thoughts. Taragis na 'yan... itulog mo na 'yan, Moore!
"Why are you laughing?"
"I am not laughing at you. May naalala lang ako. Anyway, your ex-boyfriend called you frigid, and now you want a clit ring?"
"Yes."
"What the fuck for?"
"Because...because I read somewhere that...that...a clit ring enhances a woman's...sexual urges and pleasures..."
Eh, 'di wow...
"At saan mo naman natutunan 'yan?"
"I Googled it. I can show you the article if you want..."
Tulungan na kita, libre lang—o, gago, umayos ka lasing 'yan. H'wag mo nang idagdag sa mga kamalian ng pagkatao mo ang pagiging ungas.
"But it can help, right...?" she earnestly asked.
"What can?"
"A clit ring. It can help me with my problem."
I wanted to tell her that it wasn't her fault that her man could not bring her sexual gratification; and that it is a man's job to make sure that his partner's needs sexual or otherwise are met.
Pero, bakit ka naman makikialam sa problema ng iba—bakit ba nito kinakagat-kagat ang labi n'ya, naghahanap ba 'to ng gulo?
"Miss—"
"Please, I really need help. I don't want to seek medical attention for this problem."
Medical attention? Kayang-kaya ko 'yan in five minutes—yabang mo, boy. Manyak mo pa.
"He is sleeping with my cousin. My. Cousin."
I sighed. "'Yun lang ba ang problema? Dahil tinawag kang frigid ng ex mo?"
"Um..."
"Because if that's your only concern, I know a better way to disprove his claim..."
Fuck it. I should have known better.