The thing was, Ron didn't actually know how to get to Glockwarts.
"Uh, Harry. I dont actually know how to get to the school." Ron said, after they had been driving for three days.
"WOT?! ARE YOU SERIOUS?!" Harry screeched. Ron nodded slowly and Harry stomped on the break and slammed his head against the steering wheel. He looked over at Ron and glared at him so hard.
"Ive never actually been there, and its not on any maps." he told Harry, avoiding orb contact. Harry went back to slamming his head against the steering wheel, a loud honk coming from the car each time.
Harry did that for about 3 minutes before he looked back at Ron.
The sound was pulsing in Rons head
Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk Honk
"How are we meant to get there then!?" Harry shouted britishly, looking back at Ron.
"I dont know! How am i meant to know how to get somewhere ive never been before?!"
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" In a fit of rage Harry stomped on the gas, sending the car flying forward. Ron, who wasn't buckled, flew into the windshield.
"HARRY! WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT YOU MUPPET?!?" Ron slid back down into his seat. Harry glared back at Ron and pressed on the gas as hard as he could, the speedometer showing that they were going over 1000 miles per hour.
"WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME SLOSHER!!?! I'M THE ONE DRIVING! I COULD KICK YOU OUT OF THIS BLOODY CAR RIGHT NOW!" shouted Harry. Ron dove at Harry wrapping his hands around his throat and squeezing as hard as he could.
"GET-ACACKACKCKKGGACK- YOU-ACKGACKACACKACKAKGACKGAC-R BLOODY- ACKAGACAKGACKGAKCGACK- HANDS OFF M-ACKGCKAGACKACKAKCAK-E!"
Ron did not get his hands off of Harry, and continued to strangle the boy with the dirty head hole. Harry kept gasping for air while still keeping his foot on the gas. That is until he heard a loud yelp and a crunch. He stomped on the break and stared ahead, ron going flying into the windshield again, the sound of two crunches was heard.
"AHGG! MY HEAD!! AND MY GLOCK!!!!" Ron complained, blood pouring out of his now broken nose and from a gash in his head. Harry rolled his cornea and got out of the car to see what he had hit.
It appeared to be a dog, it was big and black, so Harry kicked it.
"OUC- I mean, ARF!" the dog said. Harry kicked it again, with all his strength.
"OU- ARRF!"
Harry jumped up and landed on the 'dog's' ribs.
"I know you aren't a dog mate."
"ARF ARF ARF I AM A DOG!" the black lump screamed under Harry's fat feet.
"Yeah right mate. You're embarrassing yourself, just get up you fart." Harry said, rolling his orbs, kicking the black mass once more.
"OUCH! OKAY OKAY!" the 'dog' stood on both legs,"ARF!", the 'dog' cleared his throat.
"Sorry, force of habit."
Harry stared at what he could now see was a hobo dressed as a dog,"Are you a furry mate?"
"Ah-a FURRY!" The dog man screamed. The man laughed for a bit before stopping suddenly and glaring at Harry.
"I HATE furries. Everyone always asks me 'ArE yOu A fUrRy MaTe?!' and they don't believe me when i say i'm not. I don't know why. Furries are the WORST." the man said, putting his hands on his hips. Harry didn't say anything and just looked the man up and down and decided not to point out that he was wearing a fake dog suit.
"Right...well sorry we hit you with our car mate, but we have somewhere to be." he said, turning on his heel to face Ron who was still spewing blood from his face,"Have you figured out how to get to Glockwarts yet?" Harry asked the Cordyceps Militaris haired boy. Ron shook his head in response, getting blood all over the car.
"Eh, Glockwarts you say?" the dog guy asked. Harry turned back around and looked at him and nodded.
"Do you know how to get there mate?"
"I do indeed, i went there when i was your age, you look quite a bit like one of my friends. I might still know how to get there." he told the two young boys.
"Alright then, get in the car and give me directions. This git over here has had us lost for 3 days." Harry told him, cartwheeling to the car. He hopped into the drivers seat as the dog man slid into the backseat.
"Actually, I never got your name bruv." Harry whipped his head around so fast you could hear his brain almost flying out of his head.
"Oh uh, my name is Sirius Block," he said, looking around a little uncomfortably,"So uh, just start driving an-"
The non-furry didn't even get to finish his sentence when Harry stomped on the gas pedal, not even looking ahead, sending him and Ron both lurching forward. Thankfully they had both buckled up.
"Keep going bruv."
"DON'T YOU THINK YOU SHOULD LOOK AT THE ROAD!!?" Sirius screamed.
"Nah mate, im a pro at this driving thing, been out here for 3 days. Just tell me where to go." Harry told the man. Dog man looked at Harry questionably and decided to just go with it.
"Um, you'll just keep going straight until I tell you otherwise then."
Harry nodded and stared with wide green orbs at Sirius, the car going almost 700 miles per hour, still not looking at the road. Sirius smiled forcefully and glanced at the road. Ron had passed out due to the extreme amount of blood that he had lost, but neither of them had noticed.
"Uh, you need to turn left up here at the stop sign.'' Sirius told Harry, amazed that he hadnt hit any of the other cars or been pulled over by a cop. Harry gave him a thumbs up and turned sharply left, Rons limp body slammed into Harry, the car narrowly missing an old lady on the sidewalk.
"HARRY! YOU JUST ALMOST HIT THAT OLD LADY" Sirius shrieked in terror,"LETS SLOW DOWN!!"
Harry just rolled his globes,"But i DIDN'T hit her, so its cool mate, just trust me."
The sharp turn caused Rons head to slam against his window, waking him up.
"AHHHHHHHHHH THERES BLOOD EVERYWHERE!!! HARRY WHATS HAPPENING?!?!?" Ron screamed in a panic, voice dry and hoarse, his shaking hand help up his glock, which was broken clean in half. "MY GLOCK!! IT'S BROKEN!!! HARRY!"
Harry looked at Ron and rolled his beads.
"Calm down Ron, you're fine. Sirius here is gonna get us to Glockwarts."
"BUT MY GLOCK!"
"Im sure there's someone there who can fix it bruv. Stop being a baby about it."
Ron kept crying as Harry finally looked at the road.
"Youre gonna take a right up at the light." Sirius told the self-proclaimed pro driver.
"Got it mate."
Harry turned right, scraping the side of the car on a brick building.
"HARRY! THE CAR! MY PARENTS ARE GONNA KILL ME!!"
Harry ignored Rons screaming and kept driving, the car now going almost 900 miles per hour. The smell of burning rubber was potent.
"Theres a bridge up here that youre going to go across and then take a left into the woods right there."
Harry gave Sirius a thumbs up and followed his directions.
"Just go up that road up there that goes up the mountain and Glockwarts is right there."
"Got it."
Harry did just that and stopped that car when he saw an enormous castle. Ron jumped out of the car and ran to where the car got scraped. He collapsed onto the ground, wailing. Harry pulled his long toenail out and turned the car off. He slid his foot back into the sweaty sock and his shoe, and got out of the car with Sirius.
"Wow."
"I know. I remember being here as a youngster. Many good memories in this place."
"It looks so....old. And dusty. And whys the school in a CASTLE?" Harry replied rudely, interrupting Sirius's reminiscence.
Sirius looked at Harry in disbelief,"What are you even saying James? I mean Harry?! This place is amazing. I cannot believe that you are complaining right now! Any other kid your age would kill to go to this school!"
Harry just rolled his blinkers. Glockwarts looked super lame. He walked back to the car and got Footsock out.
"Well I suppose we should get inside. Come along Ron." he told the orange haired boy, who was still wailing on the ground. Harry walked over and grabbed his ankle, dragging him towards the large wooden doors. He turned around to say thank to the not furry, but he was sprinting away, howling.
Harry shrugged and turned back to the doors, continuing to walk towards them. When he got the doors he threw ron and footsock onto the ground and starting crane-kicking the doors.
"OPEN UP BRUV! I'M HARRY FREAKIN POOTER! OPEN THESE DOORS RIGHT NOW!!"
The doors did not open up.
Ron turned around hopelessly, wondering how they were going to get into the school. He glanced back at his car, which was now slowly rolling backwards down the hill.
"Harry.. HARRY!" Ron shouted, his finger pointing towards the rolling busted up car.
Harry turned around just in time to see the car roll straight into a telephone box, and burst into flames. Ron began to cry again, "'Arry! My parents will not let me be alive after this!" He curled up in a ball on the grass, the blood soaking into the hard earth.
Harry rolled his orbs and turned back to the giant doors.
"'ELLO! BRUVS AND BRUVESES? LET ME IN!" Harry screeched, clutching Footsock.
A shout was heard from the other side of the door, Harry thought the voice said 'no' but that couldn't be right.
"Sorry mate, did you say 'NO'?"
The cry was louder this time.
"You cann't come inn, school started 3 days ago!"
The voice sounded like it belonged to a weird sounding old man with a cold.
"Let me in you old coot!"
"Nno."
"Okay! You asked for it!" Harry shouted his warning and took twenty large steps backwards from the door.
He made a fist around Footsocks tail and raised both of his hands in the air, his toes pointed making a star with his body. He began to cartwheel full speed towards the door, His form was perfect, completely straight and graceful, he came to a halt right in front of the huge double doors and released his fist, sending Footsock flying into the air.
The scaly green creature flipped upwards through the air, tail whipping around as it tried to balance itself. The komodo dragon flew straight over the wall and onto the other side. So Harry could no longer see it.
There was a thud and a scream. Harry chuckled at the thought of Footsock ripping up the man on the other side.
"GGET THHIS CREATURE OFF OF ME!" The old man squealed,
"Let me in old man" Harry shouted back.
The doors swung open and the greasiest, nastiest man Harry had ever seen in his life ran out, swatting and pulling at the lizard which was currently ripping chunks of hair out of his greasy head.
Harry grabbed Ron by his ankle and started dragging him through the wooden doors. He was once again disappointed by how drab and old looking Glockwarts was.
"I know im not very slay, but even im let down by de decor in 'ere!" Harry whined, suddenly missing the Durslays fab sense of style. The courtyard had the skinniest tree that he had ever seen in the center, with like 2 shriveled up flowers next to it. There was 3 stone benches that looked like they were about to fall apart at any second. The castle itself was alright looking. It definitely looked like it had been there for 1000 years.
Overall, he was unimpressed and made it his personal mission to spruce up the place.
The greasy man was still trying to pry Footsock off his greasy head.
"Foo'sock! Release the ugly man!" Footsock did not release. Harry rolled his white spheres with a green spot and a black spot on that, and walked over to assist the disgusting looking man. He grabbed Footsock by her ankles and yanked on her, successfully getting her off of the mans greasy head. Footsock thrashed around in harrys arms, trying to attack the old man again.
"Ggood heavenns. Ahem, you cannt come to school, it started three days aggo. So sorry childrenn." the greasy man told them, pushing them out of the big doors.
Ron continued to cry, clutching his bleeding head.
Harry walked over to the slimy man, and put one arm on his shoulder, being careful to keep footsock out of slashing range.
"Bruv, look at my mate, the orangu'an boy, he dont have much going for him." Harry whispered, looking into the tiny beady organs of sight of the oily man.
The shiny-with-sweat-and-bodily-fluids man looked unconvinced so Harry continued.
"His name is Ron, and hes a failure, his parents will hate him after today and he's ugly."
A tall man with a dusty looking beard trailing through the dirt appeared behind the oily man.
"Snap. What are you doing here? The feast is inside."
"I amm tryinng to shoo this riff raff from the school grounnds Headmaster Dummydoor." Snap replied.
"Hoo Hoo!" tooted the hairy faced man named Dummydoor. "I say let the 'riff raff' in!"
Harry smiled widely, he liked Dummydoor, then he grabbed Rons crying body and threw him over the shoulder not occupied by footsock. Dummydoor smiled widely and gestured to another door, attached to the giant castle on a hill.
"Right this way children!"
Harry followed the old man where he opened the door to let the boys in where Harry saw a large room with 4 long tables, each with kids, wearing colors to match the banners hanging over their respective tables.
"We'll have to get you two sorted into your houses." Dummydoor told them. "Ill go get it ready. You two stay here."
Harry stood and looked around the room some more, looking at all the delicious food that the kids were eating. He sat down and held Footsock in his arms like a baby, and just kinda threw Ron next to him, still bleeding out of his head. Eventually Dummydoor came back.
"Follow me children."
Dummydoor led the two boys to a wall, where they stopped.
"Um, Dummydoor, why are we in front of a wall? I thought we were "being sorted", whatever that means." Harry asked the tall old man. Dummydoor reached into his pocket and rummaged around, until he finally pulled out a rootin tootin point and shootin machine. He pointed it at the wall.
"Alocamore-DIE!" and he shot the wall, hitting what looked like a small button. Harry looked at the old man like he was stupid.
"The button was within reach, you ugly old coot. You could have just pushed it."
As Harry was lecturing the old man, the door slid open, revealing a secret hallway. Dummydoor slid the gun back into his pocket and grabbed each of the boys by their arm, leading them down the hall.
"Harry, you take the third room, Ron go to the fourth one."
Dummydoor told them, still bristiling from Harry's rude behavior.
"Wot are we doing though?" Harry asked
"You are getting sorted into your houses, depending on how you react to the test determines what house you go into."
Harry and Ron glanced at each other before Ron started slowly walking to the fourth room. Harry sighed and pointed his toe, cartwheeling his way into the third room. Harry's cartwheel brought him into the third room, when his feet hit the ground he formed a bridge with his back, gracefully coming out of his backbend and into a standing position.
Harry looked around the room, it was dark and slimy, mildew was growing on the stone walls.
"Er excuse? Dummydoor? I don't want the ugly room please?!" Harry cried, disgusted with the state of the place. The door slammed behind him, sealing him in.
The walls began to grow more slick and the room started to flood, with thick bottle green colored fluid.
"Dummydoor!" Harry began to cry, trying to keep his shoes out of the gunky liquid.
"Dummydoor! Im a raging metrosexual! I simply cont be in this environment, think of my clothes!" Harry gulped and screamed as his shoes were covered in the liquid. Then the smell hit him.
"WOT IS THAT PU'RID SCENT? MY NOSE IS CRYING BRUVS! LET ME OUT!"
With his cry the cracks in the wall split even more, releasing even more poopy green fluid. As the wall continued to crack with Harrys cries, a stream of poopy water shot right at his open mouth, filling it with the disgusting liquid.
"UUUGGHHHH!! LET ME OUT YOU MUPPET!" Harry choked, the poop water spilling back out of his mouth all over his clothes. Harry was just about to scream again when the door opened with Dummydoor standing right in front of him. The flooding sewer water gushed out of the open door, draining down the cracks at Dummydoors feet.
"Oopsie, I put you in the sewer flooding room! Har har!!"
"WOT DO YOU MEAN?! WHY DO YOU 'AVE A SEWER FLOODING ROOM?! THATS THE STUPIDEST THING IVE EVER HEARD OFF!!"
Harry shrieked, scrambling out of the stinky room. Dummydoor just stood there laughing for a while, while Harry stood there fuming.
"Har har har, sorry Harry, i meant to tell you to go to the fifth room! Har har!" dummydoor explained.
Harry glared at the old man and stomped towards the room with the big five over it, opening the door and slamming it shut.
There was a small desk with a piece of paper and a pencil on it. He rolled his globes and sat down in the desks chair. Harry looked down at the paper and wrote his name on the top, and looked at the first question.
""Wot would you do if your friend was shot in front of you?" Wot kind of question is this?" He looked at the answer options below.
""A. Help him, B. Stop the bleeding, C. Shoot the guy that-" Harry stopped and circled C, not bothering to read the last answer. The rest of the paper had similar questions, all with 4 answer choices.
""Wot kind of cake do you like?" Wot does this have to do with anything?" Harry groaned rolling his orbs "A. Chocolate, B. Carrot, C. Vanilla, or D. Strawberry...I suppose i like carrot cake."
Harry circled B, and continued to fill the test out. Finally, he got to the last question.
""Do you like cops?" Uhh, I suppose not?"
Harry wrote no and put his pencil down, standing up. He walked to the door and opened it. Ron and Dummydoor were standing at the end of the hall waiting for him.
"I finished your silly test. Now wot do we do?" he asked the tall wrinkly man.
"Now we have to have your papers graded." Dummydoor said with a smile. Harry stared at him, annoyed.
"Youre telling me we spent like, a three hours taking that stoopid test and now we have to wait even longer to get our results?!" he screamed.
The old man nodded and started walking towards the hidden door.
"Come along children, we have rooms for you to stay in until we get your results. Which should be in about a day or so."
Harry was shaking with anger. Ron seemed to be perfectly fine with this, which only made Harry more angry.
"Ron, how are you okay with waiting?! Does this not infuriate you?!"
"Not really. I kind of expected it since all my older brothers have done this so."
"Wait bruv. Do you only have brothers?"
"No, I have 5 older brothers and a little sister."
"Your little sister sounds hawt!"
"What?"
"Nothing," Harry said.