"Hey, Bishop. That was a great job you did clearing that house. Your calls have been superb these last few months." I untangle the towel from my hair when I hear Andy walk into the locker room. I slowly nod at her, not exactly knowing how to respond to her. "Thank you, Captain." I slip a clean shirt on, but keep it unbuttoned before turning to the door Andy just entered from. She clearly doesn't know how to talk to me anymore either, since she's playing with her fingers instead of saying what's on her mind.
"Hey, Cap! Bishop, we're planning on getting pizza for dinner if you guys want to give me your order?" Vic walks out of the steaming bathroom while rubbing lotion on her arms. I close my locker after taking my laptop out, laying it down on the bench behind me so I can put my shoes on. "I'm good, thanks Hughes." She looks at our captain to say something about my latest excuse to skip dinner with my team while I'm on shift with them.
"Seriously, Maya. It's just dinner. Come on, live a little and join us." I get up with my laptop tucked underneath my arm before I meet Vic's gaze. "I appreciate the invite, but I had a big lunch with Beckett before we split up for our shifts. If it will make you guys feel better, I can set up in the kitchen while you eat and do my reports there." I patiently wait for her response which she only gives when Vic bumps her with her shoulder.
"Jeez, Mai. This team is a family, and we like to eat dinner together when we get the chance, okay? No need to be a dick about it." I sigh in irritation at both the way they make me out to be a bitch for declining their invitation, but also because of how hard they've been trying to pretend like nothing happened over the past few months. Funny how they didn't seem to mind excluding me from the so-called family dinners before, when I was still seen as enemy number one.
I can't wait for this project to be over so I can move to station 64 for good. A-shift at 19 has become my least favorite station to work at over the last couple of months. Before Sullivan and Ross got caught out, and he got permanently transferred to 88, it was a borderline hostile work environment. Getting called names behind my back and even to my face, being shunned by the team that did in fact feel like my family in the past and worst of all, having every one of my calls questioned because of personal vendettas.
Now all of a sudden, the success of my calls has been stellar over the last few months, but a few weeks ago no one other than Beckett and Jack wanted to follow my lead. I had to waste time in proving why I don't agree with my captain's orders when I'm the lieutenant in charge inside the scene while she's calling the shots outside. Not because they thought I dropped the ball, or because they were afraid that I'd make mistakes on the job, or because they thought my breakdown somehow influenced my decision-making.
No, all of this happened because they lost their faith in me as a person. Not that I believe that they ever really found any faith in me to begin with. Since the day I got promoted to captain of 19, it feels like I've been trying to prove myself and fight for an ounce of respect and trust from this team. And after everything that happened last year and the fight I had to put up to drag myself out of my own personal hell, I just didn't have the energy to try and be what this family wants me to be for them anymore.
I've been at this station for thirteen years and thought that these people were my family because of it, but a few days a week with other stations made me realize how wrong my assumptions were. I've felt more at home with complete strangers than I have within these four walls for months. Those exact actions of this team make me doubt the sincerity of Andy's olive branch now. Because one wrong step in its direction can make the whole tree come falling down, and I'll be the first person to be discarded in order for them to save their house.
I roll my eyes when Andy clears her throat as an act of dominance, crossing her arms over her chest and taking a stance that shows the power she wields. "Listen, Bishop. I know Beckett and Gibson are at different stations tonight, but you don't have to isolate yourself from the rest of us. Can we just put the past behind us and move forward?" Vic looks between Andy and me, anxiously waiting for the day I'll accept their apology.
"I have put the past behind me, Andy. Unfortunately, I did so while I was still seen as the rotten egg of this supposed family. I've already forgiven you, but I don't need to be your friend to let bygones be bygones. So, if you are ordering me as my caption for a team dinner, I will join you, but if it's family dinner, then I don't feel welcome." Vic throws her hands in the air before she storms out of the locker room, but Andy stays to try and stare me down in anger.
We stand in the small space, on opposite sides of the room for what feels like forever, just staring at each other. When it's clear that there's nothing else to be said, I walk past her to get to the meeting room and get started on these reports. "I am your family, Maya. We're best friends, okay. That doesn't just stop because we had a fight." Andy comes out of the locker room with her arms still crossed over her chest while she talks to my back.
I rub my hand over my face to calm myself down. If we are supposedly such good friends, then where was she during the worst time of my life? Carina had every reason to hate me, but Andy knew the truth. She held the key to get the team to fight to save me like they did Jack, but she decided to sacrifice our friendship in order to protect her ex instead, and I had to pull myself out of the depths of hell without her. She missed every opportunity to be my best friend while I only ever wanted to protect her from getting hurt by Sullivan again.
"You're not my best friend, Andy. Beckett is my best friend. You are my captain." I start to feel bad when she gasps and her eyes tear up, but she needs to face the reality of our situation. "So what? The years we have on your friendship with Beckett are just null and void now? Everything we've been through, just means nothing?" I lift my hands up in a shrug after placing my laptop on the metal slab. I try to find the courage to release some of the anger I've been holding onto because of my fear over getting discarded again.
My response dies on my lips when we get interrupted by someone's heels echoing behind us. "Ciao, you two. Is this a bad time?" The voice is like a soothing balm to my overly sensitive nerve endings and the vice grip of frustration slowly starts to release its death grip on my mind. "What are you doing here?" My voice instantly takes on a softer tone. I turn around to find Carina making her way up the metal stairs behind me on the gallery, carrying something in her hands.
She looks between me and Andy before her concerned gaze falls on me in a questioning scowl. "I got off shift early and felt terrible for cancelling our breakfast date this morning, so I thought I'd bring you a treat." Her concern over the tension between Andy and I falls away as soon as I clear the few steps between us, to give her a kiss on the cheek as a proper greeting. "Hi, beautiful." She smiles down at me and the blush that colors her cheek has absolutely nothing to do with embarrassment over some PDA.
She looks flushed, and I have a feeling my unbuttoned uniform is the main reason for it. Her eyes meet mine with a lopsided grin, creating a mystical bubble only we can survive in. "Wait a minute. You guys are back together? Thanks for the heads up. Really! I'm glad our surprise worked so well for the two of you." My eyes involuntarily close because of the harsh intrusion onto our moment. When I open them again, it's to Carina's confused gaze and furrowed brow. "Don't look at me like that. This is my first shift here since our date." Her eyes soften as understanding enters them.
Carina moves past me to defend our relationship to someone who doesn't even understand how close we came to losing our love forever. "I apologize, Andrea. Maya and I had to address a lot of things before we got to this point. I'm sorry that you felt excluded." I huff out an annoyed breath and roll my eyes, only schooling my features when Carina touches my hand and scowls at my reaction. "Don't, bambina. They put a lot of work into finding ways for me to win you back."
Carina's face falls when I angrily shake my head at her. It was nice to know that she cares enough to try and help them out. But that's because they were there for her through our separation, while they excluded me from their lives. "They're also the ones that told me how much better off you'll be without me. I don't owe them anything." I know I sound bitter, but when I needed the support and love, they weren't there. Beckett and Molly, who didn't even like Carina, were the ones who helped me think of ideas to make things up to her.
They were the ones who kept delivering treats to her at the hospital when I couldn't get off their couch. Beckett would rant about how mad he was at Carina for pushing me over the edge while packing her gifts because he cared about what I wanted more than what he thought was best. That's what true friendship is. Not someone who holds your hand after your wife had you committed to a psych ward, telling you that you brought it on yourself, before abandoning me too.
I was already hating myself for what I did, I didn't need Andy to kick me while I was down by reminding me that Carina deserved better than the way I treated her. Yes, the criticism was helpful, but so was the understanding and love that was supposed to follow. When I begged her to check on my wife as my room got prepared for my 72-hour hold, her reply was that I'm the one who told her to leave and had to deal with the consequences. My face twists in pain from the memories of that night and I avert my gaze from the love in Carina's eyes, only remembering the agony in them back then.
I almost forget that Andy is still here, but in trying to hide from my shame, my eyes accidently meet hers. "What, Maya!? I'm a good enough friend to be your maid of honor at your wedding, but don't mean enough to you now, to know that you're back together?" I throw my hands up before I growl at the ceiling in surprise. "You want credit for fixing us, is that it? Where were you when we fell apart!? Where were you when I was agonizing over whether I should give up?" I know it's the worst idea possible to get into this after the week I've had, but I'm so tired of always playing the villain with her.
"Oh, wait! When I was breaking down after I just made the call to file for divorce and Beckett was actually there to comfort me, you chose to spread rumors that I've been fucking him instead of just asking me if I was okay! You don't get to force your way into my life now and get offended because you kept yourself out of the loop for months." Carina slips her hand in mine, while running her fingers up and down my bare arm with her other hand, trying to calm me down.
"That's rich, Maya. Seeing how you were the one pushing us away!" I nod my head and squeeze Carina's hand harder, desperately wanting to escape this conversation. "Okay, I'm sorry! I fucked up, again! It clearly doesn't matter how many times I came to you, asking if you got a minute to talk. Or how I tried reaching out to spend some time together, only to be stood up later. I needed a friend, Andy, and Beckett was the one who showed up!"
She huffs in our direction, and I clench my fists at how easily she disregards my point of view. "You're not my only friend! Robert needed me too. If you weren't so fucking closed off all the time and actually told me how bad things have gotten, then I could've been a better friend to you." Carina surprises both of us when she barks out a laugh before pointing an accusatory finger in Andy's direction. It seems that my self-proclaimed best friend's behavior didn't sit well with my wife either.
"Okay, no! That's bullshit! If Maya collapsing and me putting her in an involuntary hold wasn't enough of a sign for you to see how bad things have gotten, then you were being a bad friend. I came to you numerous times, telling you how worried I was about Maya. You kept telling me that it's just the way she is, that I shouldn't let it get to me. That I was just overreacting, and I believed you. Until I realized if I kept following your advice, I'd become a widow."
I know Carina's words are meant to convey frustration towards Andy, but they pierce my heart like a hot poker. All of her actions made sense when she puts it like that. She was terrified of my behavior and when I refused to listen to her, she went to my best friend for help and received nothing in return. I swap my hands out in Carina's so I can rub her back, hoping she'll feel the regret I have over how helpless she must've felt during those dark times.
Thinking back on it now, Andy was so preoccupied with the golden opportunity she had to make a grab for Beckett's position, that she unified the team by helping Jack and kept me spiraling. Safely tucked away where I can't be a threat. She had the support from Sullivan and Ross by keeping their secret. She showcased her leadership abilities by essentially not leaving any man behind and proving that she cares more about the wellbeing of her team members than her captain.
And she eradicated her competition for the captaincy by keeping Sullivan under her thumb, saving Jack and making him loyal to her, and letting me bury myself deeper with every step I took towards trying to prove myself. I guess the one move she didn't see coming, was Beckett and I becoming friends. Even with my downward spiral, my opinion and alliance still meant more to our superiors than hers. She had to ruin us both by spreading rumors about an affair while she knew my wife hadn't spoken to me in months.
"I trusted you, Andy! I trusted that my wife's best friend would help me help her find her way back to me." Carina's grip on my hand tightens even more when Andy laughs right in her face. She turns to me, and I can see her grinding down on her teeth as she meets my gaze. I slowly shake my head to let her know that this isn't her fight. "When did Bishop's obsession with getting her job back become my problem!? She's the one who stole it to begin with! She only has herself to blame for where she ended up!"
I sarcastically clap my hands at her for finally admitting the root cause of our issues since the start. Our friendship only worked when she was the one on top. We were the best of friends before I backed myself and applied to be a lieutenant. And even then, we managed to look past our differences because she had the clear path of getting promoted to captain before me. All of this shit happened when other people decided that she wasn't fit to be in the position yet. I didn't ask for it, but I sure as hell wasn't going to be dumb enough to turn it down.
I was by her side through every milestone and curveball life threw at her. From motivating her through the academy, to celebrating her promotion to lieutenant, to being her biggest cheerleader in her race to become captain. I dragged her out of bed and made sure she kept living after Ryan and her dad died. I held her as she cried over her divorce and supported her when she was forced to move to 23. I even made a schedule for our team to ensure she never spent a single night alone after her assault.
I had done everything in my power to be there for her, even if she didn't want me around. And yet, the only time I can remember her being there for me, was when I got married. Ryan listened to me without judgement when Mason got arrested, Jack congratulated me when I got promoted to lieutenant, Captain Herrera guided me when everyone shut me out after being made captain, Carina held me as I came to terms with my father's abuse, and Beckett has been my rock.
Carina takes a protective stance, tightly against my side, ready to step in should I get triggered by the yelling. To be honest, I probably would be cowering into myself if it wasn't for her touch grounding me. "I didn't steal the captaincy from you, Andy! I was offered a promotion and I accepted it, just like any ambitious person would have. You got emotionally involved with your commanding officer and it somehow became my fault when the men in your life didn't think you were ready." She clenches her fist at her sides while the lines on her face sets into an angry scowl before her smile turns vindictive.
"I guess we're the same then because that's exactly how I got the title too. You got emotional and it blew up in your face. Poor fucking Lieutenant Maya Bishop." She makes it clear that there is a difference in our rank by touching the two-striped clip on her collar. The fact that she still deems herself my best friend, while at the same time not realizing how little I care about the captaincy anymore, speaks volumes about our friendship. The only thing I care about getting back, as she put it, is already beside me.
Nothing else matters to me now other than finding reasons to want to live every morning I wake up. And as long as I have Carina and my new group of friends, I have enough to look forward to. The way Carina interjects like a lioness getting ready to protect her mate at all costs, only solidifies how right it feels. "That's not at all the same! Maya isn't out there leading a hate campaign against you by trying to alienate you from the people you are closest to."
I cringe when I think back on how Carina and I got to know each other. I was so lonely and desperate for someone to give a shit in my life, that I let go of all my reservations about relationships. Simply because it felt so good to be held by someone while my heart broke over the friendships that I lost. The uncertainty I felt and the hate I received opened the gates to the self-loathing filled hell I created for myself, where I doubted every emotional connection in my life.
Carina was the only one to see how much it affected me to lose my support system. I was so desperate for love that when she showed me an ounce of it, my walls came crashing down around us. I didn't want to put on a façade with her like I did at work, because I wished someone could see the real me and not hate the person behind the mask. "You called her a sociopath to her face instead of supporting her! You don't get to compare your cruelty, to her choosing to distance herself from you!"
When I see Andy's eyes become hostile, I know from experience that this fight is far from over and I would rather not drag my wife any further into it. I turn my back to her, hand Carina my laptop and tuck on her hand so we can leave this horrible mess together. But Andy's prepped and raring to go for another round. I shake my head at Carina when she gets ready to continue fighting on my behalf and just keep walking.
We both startle and stop when our names get yelled, as Andy slaps the wall closest to her. "Stop! We're not done until I say we're done! You just can't handle that you've lost, can you!?" I loathe that I still have a kneejerk reaction of instantly following a command from someone with more authority than me, even when I don't want to. No matter how personal this fight is, she's still my captain and I need to respect that. Plus, transparency has worked so well with me and Carina, that maybe showing her all my cards could leave me with a clean conscious when I leave this place in a few months.
I hesitantly turn back to face her but keep Carina behind me. Hoping that if she's out of Andy's line of sight, she won't become a target. "I didn't lose, Andy. You should've gotten fired instead of promoted, and you probably would have it I didn't defend you to Ross. I didn't accept the captaincy again because it should've been yours from the start. And I'm so happy that you finally got it. This has always been your station, Herrera. I'm sorry that I was so stupid to think that it could've been mine too."
And just like that, the last of the fight leaves my body. To forgive and forget is such a powerful release, as the unknown anger and grief evaporates from your heart and mind. It seems like Andy is done fighting too, which makes me think that Ross already told her about the speech I gave her the night Andy became captain. "You will always have a very special place in my heart, Andy. And I do hope that at some point I can call you a friend again. But I'm done bending over backwards to be worthy of you and your team's respect and acceptance, when it comes with such a long list of conditions."
Carina rests her chin on my shoulder from behind me, offering me her silent support. "This station is toxic, and I can't be a part of it anymore. I'm no longer willing to walk over innocent newcomers and members of my own team to ensure that 19's legacy lives on in the way you expect it to. I'm done, Andy. It's why I put in for a transfer away from here. Captain Parks offered Jack, Beckett and me a transfer to 64 after this project ends, and I'm going to take it."
She shakes her head in confusion and sucks in a breath of air. "You must be so fucking proud of yourself. Do you honestly think you're the bigger person here!? This station was perfect until you were left in charge. If we are so toxic and you are so innocent, then why weren't you able to put your anger on the shelf and congratulate me!? You believe you've always showed up for me, but where were you then!?"
My jaw pops from how hard I've been clenching. It's shocking how inconsiderate she still is. "I was coming to terms with the fact that I didn't succeed in killing myself, so I'm sorry if your promotion wasn't a top priority for me." Andy's gasp gets drowned out by the numerous murmurs behind me. I close my eyes in dejection of having just accidently revealed my deepest and darkest secret to everyone. Clearly, the yelling between Andy and I warranted the attention of the rest of the team, who came up to see what the fight was about.
Carina hugs me close to her, balancing the brown bag and my laptop against my stomach from where her arms are snaked around me. "Shh, bambina. It's okay. You survived. There's nothing to be ashamed of, il mio guerriero." I slump against her body and allow her touch to heal more of those wounds with every passing second. When I start moving, she loosens her embrace and kisses me on the temple. I step out of her arms and face my captain in front of me one last time.
"Even though Beckett and I hated each other back then, he was the only one to see how dark my clouds had become. He put our rivalry aside and forced his way past my defenses because he knew I wasn't alright. When I didn't have a single person in my corner, the people that had been my friends for days were the ones to hold me in a hospital bed while I cried out in pain, fever and nightmares. They were the ones who helped me breathe again. Where were you, Andy!?"
I feel a warm arm press into my as it crosses over my chest and look over my shoulder into Carina's loving gaze. She gives me the sweetest and softest smile I've ever seen and somehow, it's enough to open my eyes to how far I've come since that day. Andy's eyes lose all its anger when I meet them again. "Do you get it? I am done killing myself to belong on your team, in your station. I never did, and I never will. Because that's what happens when you stop showing up for the people you love. You become indifferent to them."
I turn back around, this time fully seeing the shocked faces of my old team as they also come to terms with what I just admitted to them. I take my laptop out of Carina's hands and pull her with me through the small crowd, to the destination I was heading in before I got ambushed with a well-deserved confrontation. I open the door and let Carina enter first, then I lock it and close the blinds, not wanting to deal with the mess I left behind just yet.