Kenji Steven
I was in 4th grade when I had my first heartbreak. Not because of puppy love or silly crushes... it was more than that. The instrument which I considered as my salvation, my best friend, my soulmate, and the one thing I truly love was a wreck in front of me; I was a broken boy.
"Tita Mia..." I cried to my aunt when she entered the front door. She was dumbfounded when she saw me running to her arms while my mother stood in front of her whilst holding the broken piece of my guitar.
"Mariel! What did you do?!" She asked my mother.
Hindi siya sinagot ni mama bagkus ay tumingin ito sa akin.
"How many times do I have to tell you that music is forbidden in my house! Hindi ka ba nakakaintindi?"
Agad akong itinago ni tita sa likod niya. "Calm down! He's a child!" Humarap siya sa akin bago ako inutusang umakyat sa aking kwarto.
When I refused, my mother hit the floor using my guitar once again making me cry louder. I watched the strings fall to the floor like how my tears cascade my cheeks.
Sa galit na nararamdaman ko ay lumabas ako ng bahay at nagtago sa likod ng pinto. Umupo ako sa gilid habang pinakikinggan mag-away ang aking ina at ang tita ko.
"Ano bang nangyayari sa'yo, Mariel?"
"Ate kasi..." I heard my mother's voice break. "I cannot let Steven do anything related to music. Hindi pwedeng magaya siya sa tatay niya."
"What's wrong with that?"
"Everything is wrong!" She shouted. "I kept seeing him! Ate, bumabalik 'yung sakit ng pag-iwan niya sa amin! He left me alone with a child to raise knowing damn well that it's not my dream! I should've been in the states, being a damn good lawyer!"
Of course, I am not dumb. I've been on the top of my class since kindergarten, I knew what my mother meant.
Pakiramdam niya ay isa lang akong responsibilidad. Dahil sa akin ay hindi natuloy ang pangarap niyang maging abogado sa ibang bansa.
She was putting all the blame on my father, too. She kept on telling me that she should've not married him if he won't keep his promises.
Tumakbo ako palayo sa bahay namin. Gusto kong lumayo dahil masakit ang puso ko.
Sa labo ng tingin ko ay hindi ko napansin ang malaking bato sa harap ko na naging sanhi ng pagkadapa ko.
"Oh, tanga!" Ang boses na iyon ay sinabayan ng malakas na pagtawa.
Tumingala ako at nakita ko ang isang bata na may hawak na gitara. Nakasuot siya ng checkered long sleeves at itim na pantalon na pinatungan ng itim na boots. Kulay gintong kayumanggi ang mata niya na umagaw ng atensyon ko.
"Ang bobo mo naman. Hindi ka ba tumingin sa dinadaanan mo?" Nang-aasar niyang tanong bago binitawan ang gitara at tumawa ulit.
Nagulat siya nang umiyak ako. Alerto siyang lumapit sa akin bago ako tinulungang tumayo. Pinagpag niya pa ang damit ko at inihipan ang sugat ko sa tuhod.
"Hala, joke lang. Huwag ka ng umiyak, malalagot ako kay tatay..."
Kahit anong pagpapakalma niya ay hindi tumalab sa akin, hanggang sa magdesisyon siyang magpatugtog sa harap ko.
Maliit lang ang gitara na dala niya na sakto lang sa laki niya. Nagpatugtog siya ng tono na pamilyar sa akin na agad nagpatigil ng iyak ko.
"Huwag ka na umiyak, ha? Sorry kung tinawag kitang tanga... totoo naman kasi..." mahina niyang sabi bago inilahad ang kanyang kamay. "Ako nga pala si Cameron Miguel, pero Cam na lang tawag mo sa akin. Huwag mo akong tawaging Miguel or Migo kasi ayoko no'n, e."
"Ako si Steven..." Nag-shake hands kami. "Matagal ka na naggigitara?"
Tumango siya. "Tinuruan ako ng lolo ko. Magaling kasi siya, e. Ngayon nandito kami kasi bakasyon. Ikaw, taga probinsya ka ba talaga?"
I nodded at him. "Dito ako pinanganak..." I eyed his guitar. "Pwede pahiram?"
Mabilis niya namang ipinasa sa akin ang gitara niya. Muling bumalik ang ngiti sa labi ko nang magsimula akong tumugtog.
Araw-araw akong halos nasa hacienda nila Cameron para roon humiram ng gitara. Mabuti pa sa kanila pwedeng-pwede tumugtog, sa amin hindi.
Mayroon din siyang kaibigan na Iñigo ang pangalan kaya minsan ay sinasama ko ang pinsan kong si Josiah para apat kaming maglaro.
Nagpa-transfer si Cameron sa probinsya para maging kaklase namin siya matapos ang bakasyon. Grade 5 na kaming apat at iisa lang ang section namin.
Unfortunately, the three of them moved to Manila when we reached the 7th grade. Ako na lang ang natira sa Pangasinan hanggang sa matapos ang junior high.
Tuwing bakasyon ay pumupunta sila rito at magpa-practice kaming tumugtog para mag-perform sa plaza. Magsusuot lang ako ng mask para hindi ako makilala ng mga kaibigan ni mama.
Doon nagsimula ang pangarap naming maging isang banda. I asked my mom to let me transfer to Manila when I reached 11th grade. She still doesn't know about the band and I planned to keep it that way until I graduated high school—as a valedictorian.
"Sino bang top 1 niyo rito, tol? Mas magaling pa kay Steven?" Tanong ni Cameron nang magkita-kita kami sa gate ng school. First day of school kaya gusto nila na magkakasama raw kami.
Both Josiah and Iñigo studied here in JHS. Kaming dalawa lang ni Cameron ang hindi.
"She's smart. Magaling sa debate tapos journalism. Lagi ring napipili ang piece niya sa news writing kasi magaling siya magsulat." Si Josiah ang sumagot. "Classmate ko nung grade 8. I'm not sure pero sabi HUMSS daw ang strand niya."
Tumango-tango lang ako. Same strand pala kami nung top one rito nung JHS. Hindi ako kinakabahan kasi top one rin naman ako sa school namin.
Nang maghwa-hiwalay kami ay hinanap ko ang room ng HUMSS A. Pagpasok ko pa lang ay salubong na ang kilay ko dahil sa ingay ng isang circle of friends.
Fuck it. Pinakaayaw ko pa naman sa maingay.
"Aray!" Sigaw ng isang babae na kaya napalingon ako sa gawi niya.
Hindi ba pwedeng umaray nang hindi sumisigaw?
Hanggang sa magsimula ang first subject ay inis na inis ako sa grupo nila. Sobrang lalakas mag-usap akala mo sobrang layo ng mga space ng upuan nila.
Naunang tawagin ang grupo nila sa debate at siya ang unang nagsalita.
Hindi ko napakinggan ang stand niya dahil nanatili akong nakatulala.
I was fucking starstrucked by her.
She looked so neat with her ironed clothes. Her short hair was secured by bobby pins on the side of her temple. She also looked sophisticated with her round glasses.
She was my definition of pretty.
She looked smart as well. Definitely my type.
But, my admiration vanished when our debate was finished. Hindi siya marunong tumanggap ng pagkatalo na siyang pinakaayaw ko sa isang tao.
Ayan tama 'yan. Steven. Ma-turn off ka sa kanya para ka magdalawang isip na kalabanin siya sa acads. Lalo pa nang malaman kong siya 'yung Añasco na tinutukoy ni Josiah.
Sa loob ng isang linggo ay lumala ang iritasyon ko sa kanya. Kung hindi siya maingay kasama ang mga kaibigan niya ay palagi siyang nakikipag-awagan ng recitation points. Kulang na nga lang ay manatili siyang nakatayo buong araw at siya na ang sumagot ng lahat ng tanong ng mga teachers namin.
She's overly confident, too—which annoys the fuck out of me. Not only that, she always feels like the world revolves around her and she's the only one that matters. She thinks highly of herself and she needs to be humbled.
And I want to be the only one to humble her.
Dahil sa inis ko sa kanya ay mas lalo ko rin siyang ininis. Sa tuwing magkakaroon ng recitation ay hindi ako nagpapatalo sa kanya. Mas nadagdagan pa ito nang malaman kong siya ang tinutukoy ni tita-ninang na magiging roommate ko.
"Argh! Nakakainis! Isn't this a crime? I'm a minor! Bakit nila ako hahayaang kasama 'to sa iisang unit?!" I heard her whisper. Bubulong-bulong pa, naririnig ko naman.
Feeling niya ba siya lang ang may ayaw nito?
Hell, my supposed to be music room became her bedroom, sinong hindi maiinis? Kung hindi ko lang kailangan ng kahati sa renta ay hindi naman ako papayag na may maging roommate ako bukod sa mga kaibigan ko.
"Hindi kita type..." I spat when she kept on insisting that our set-up is a crime. Baka raw may gawin ako sa kanya.
She rolled her eyes at me which I found adorable.
I mentally cursed myself.
Snap out of it, Steven. Ang daming pwedeng babaeng magustuhan, huwag ka na diyan!
Since then, I started to find her cute everytime she would give me a sullen glance. She would always do that whenever I would get a higher score than her. On the contrary, she would always flash a smirk whenever she's higher than me.
Each day passing, I started to appreciate more of her beauty. She was like a walking goddess. The way her eyes roll every time she's pissed and the way she would stomp her feet in frustration.
"27," she said and smirked in front of me.
I showed her my score that wiped the silly smile on her lips. "29."
She rolled her eyes and gave me a fake smile. "Edi ikaw na magaling. Good job," she replied before turning her back to me, which made me chuckle.
Cute.
Those reactions were the things that pushed me to keep on teasing her. That's the only way that she would talk to me, otherwise I would be like an air to her.
I found her interesting. I wanted to know everything about her and her reason for competing with me. It felt like she's not doing any of this just to gain that valedictorian title... I feel like there was something more—a deeper reason.
When she purposely left my diorama, I should've been mad at her. I was—for a moment. Hindi ko alam kung bakit hindi tumagal ng isang araw ang galit ko sa kanya.
I should hate her to the core because she was clearly doing things to stop me from being the top one. I should be mad at her because she doesn't play fair, right? Oddly, I didn't feel remorse for her. In fact, I felt more intrigue.
And that's when I realized that I was doomed. Fuck, I think I like her.
Ah, shit. Down bad, Alvarez. Hindi ko ineexpect na magkakaganito ka sa isang babae. I would let her have a higher score because I wanted to see her smile... to see her happy.
"Alam mo kung saang lugar nag originate 'yung togue?" Tanong ko sa kanya.
"Saan?"
Nagdalawang-isip pa akong sabihin ang sagot dahil kahit ako ay na-cocorny-han sa joke ko.
"Sa Tuguegarao," I answered casually before swallowing my laughs.
Sumeryoso ang mukha niya dahil sa joke ko.
Damn, I knew it. Hindi naman nakakatawa.
Fuck you, Cameron.
Siya kasi ang nagsabi sa akin na gusto raw ng mga babae ang may sense of humor. Bakit naman ako naniwala sa gagong 'yon?
"Last mo na 'yan, ah," she retorted. That made me laugh.
After eating, I decided to help her practice walking with heels. Ayos naman sana kung hindi ako distracted.
When she faced me, I nearly lost my breath. She was looking effortlessly gorgeous.
Her almond eyes hold the prettiest irises I've ever seen. Her cupid bow shaped lips were like an invitation for me to have a taste.
When we both fell together, I swear to all gods and goddesses that the time stopped. It was the first time I heard her laugh; it was similar to how I imagined angels sing.
"Ang..." ganda mo. "Tanga mo naman."
We continued laughing and it was one of the moments that I would like to treasure.
And every time I would have a glimpse of her, I have the need to inhale a lot of air because her beauty takes my breath away.
"Lintik na pag-ibig, parang kidlat..." kumanta na naman si Cameron nang dumaan siya sa tabi ko.
Sa iritasyon ko ay binato ko siya ng unan. Kanina niya pa kasi kinakanta 'yung lyrics na 'yan matapos niyang makita ang lock screen ng iPad ko.
"Pakyu ka, lumayo ka nga sa akin."
I was so pissed at him because of what he did. Kung hindi kasi siya nangingialam ng gamit ko, edi sana hindi ako uulit ng 15 days.
Inilapit niya sa akin ang container na may lamang fries at inudyok akong kumuha mula rito. Kumuha naman ako pero nang maramdaman kong malambot na ito ay agad kong inabot tissue para punasan ang daliri ko.
"Kadiri. Ayoko ng soggy fries, ikaw na umubos niyan," masungit na sabi ko bago siya binato ng tissue na ginamit ko dahil pikon pa rin ako sa kanya.
"Hoy, huwag ka magkalat! Ako na naman sisisihin ni nanay kapag makalat dito. Ikaw, na-in love ka lang ang sama na ng ugali mo sa akin!" Nagtatampo pa siya.
I laughed and didn't argue with his statement because it was true. I started seeing her differently.
She was like the aroma of my morning coffee I could never breathe without. She's like playing my guitar for hours—savoring the sweet sound she makes.
She's strong, independent, and she was not afraid to voice her thoughts, which I find incredible. I admire her determination to change her attitude and to be a better version of herself.
I want to be hers.
Every time I would perform, my eyes would search for hers in the crowd. And whenever our gaze would lock, I cannot see anyone but her.
My girl, my hirang.
"Tanginang 'yan! Mga tol, si Steven pa ba 'to?" Boses na naman ni Cameron ang nag-alis ng ngiti sa labi ko.
Sa sobrang ingay niya ay binatukan ko siya. Nakaupo kasi siya sa lapag at nakasandal sa sofa na hinihigaan ko.
"Baka sinapian na 'yan," nagkibit-balikat si Iñigo. "Kanina pa nakangiti si gago."
Sa sobrang hiya ay tinakpan ko ng panyo ang mukha ko bago muling sumilip sa cellphone ko.
My hirang just sent me her photo and I just can't seem to progress well.
Fuck, ang lakas ng tama ko.
I was smiling widely as my heart almost went out my ribcage upon staring at her picture. She was pouting and her pinkish lips were almost asking to be kissed.
So I did. I fucking kissed the screen of my phone.
"Huli!" Sigaw ni Cameron bago inalis ang nakatakip sa mukha ko. "Tago-tago ka pa diyan, ah. Anong ginagawa mo diyan?"
"Tangina mo, Cameron! Lumayo-layo ka nga sa akin! Nakakairita 'yang pagmumukha mo." Tinulak ko siya at ako mismo ang lumayo habang namumula ang mukha.
Baliw na yata ako. Pero ayos lang, ang mahalaga baliw ako sa kanya.
"Pawis na pawis ka..." malambing na sabi niya sa akin nang matapos ang laban ng basketball sa intrams.
Hindi ko mapigilang ngumisi nang may maisip akong kalokohan. I used the end of my jersey to wipe my sweat on purpose. I did that so she can have a glimpse of my abs.
Kung hindi ko siya mapasagot sa harana, baka pwede namang daanin sa abs.
Umalpas ang tinatago kong tawa nang lumapit siya sa akin para ibaba ang braso ko at pinanlakihan ako ng mata.
Ah, fuck. She's so cute.
I was grinning ear to ear when she used her handkerchief to wipe my forehead. Hinayaan ko siyang punasan ang pawis ko na siyang nakita ni Jason.
"Raya, pwede pahiram din ng panyo mo?"
I pressed my tongue on the inside of my cheeks as I tried to calm myself.
Hindi siya pinansin ni Hiraya kaya kinuha ko sa kanya ang kanyang panyo bago tumingin kay Jason.
"Sorry pre, may pawis ko na," I said and grinned.
That's right. 'Yung crush mo ako ang nilalapitan. Nagmumukha na akong mayabang nito?
I was so irritated when he spilled his water on her. However, it quickly faded when I saw her walking towards me, wearing my jersey.
Kailangan kong huminga nang malalim kasi nanghihina ako sa kagandahan niya.
Bagay na bagay talaga sa kanya ang apelyido ko. I was that serious about her to the point that I am willing to give her my surname.
I became more gentle with her after knowing the reason why she wanted to graduate as valedictorian. I wanted to take care of her, to be the one who would offer her comfort, to be her strength, and to be the one who would make her happier.
So, I created a way to make her dreams possible.
I was content when she became my girlfriend. Those days I got to spend with her were the best times of my life. She was the best thing that ever happened to me.
I thought everything would go smoothly like how I wanted to, not until Hiraya's father called me in the middle of the night.
"Hello, Steven?"
Umupo ako habang kinukusot ang mata. Ala una pa lang ng madaling araw kaya kailangan kong gisingin ang sarili ko para makausap ko siya nang maayos.
"Yes po, tito. Napatawag po kayo?"
Nakarinig ako ng mahinang pagdaing mula sa kabilang linya bago siya nagsalita ulit.
"Steven, can I ask for a favor?"
"Ano po 'yon?"
"Well uh... hihingi lang sana ako ng pabor na pakibantayan mo si Serenity. Alam ko naman na hindi na kita kailangan sabihan tungkol doon pero gusto ko lang siya ibilin sa'yo for the meantime. Baka hindi ako makakabalik ng Manila sa susunod na mga buwan dahil nasa ospital ako..."
Nagising ang diwa ko dahil sa sinabi niya.
"Po? Tito, kailan pa? Alam po ba ni Hiraya ang tungkol po diyan?"
"Ayon nga rin ang isang pabor ko, anak. Huwag mo munang ipaalam sa kanya... sa atin-atin lang muna. Ayoko siyang mag-alala lalo na't nasa malayo ako. Ayoko rin na ma-distract siya sa pag-aaral," pakiusap niya.
"Sige po, tito. Huwag po kayong mag-alala, ako po ang bahala kay Hiraya. Pero, kumusta na po kayo? Ano po ba ang nangyari?" Nag-aalalang tanong ko.
He told me what happened. It turns out, he was brought to the hospital because he was a victim of hit and run. He already filed a report yet he was brought to the hospital due to minor injuries.
"May huli pa akong pakiusap, Steven. Ayos lang ba? Medyo mabigat ito..."
"Okay lang po, basta kaya ko po. Ano po ba iyon?"
"Medyo malaki kasi ang hospital bills ko at baka hindi ako makapagpadala sa tita mo ng pera para sa share ni Serenity diyan sa apartment niyo. Ayos lang ba na ikaw muna? Sa susunod naman na buwan ay ako na ang magbabayad ng parte mo."
Pumayag ako sa request niya dahil hindi naman masyadong mabigat. Mayroon pa naman akong extra at binibigyan din ako ni mama.
Ang naging mahirap lang para sa part ko ay ang pagsisinungaling ko kay Hiraya tungkol sa kalagayan ng dada niya.
Kaso pagkatapos ng isang buwan ay nagulat ako nang tumawag sa akin si tita-ninang na hindi raw nabayaran ang bills namin para sa month of August. Medyo naguluhan ako dahil ang akala ko'y nagsabi rin sa kanya si tito ng set-up namin.
I decided to pay for our bills and asked tita-ninang to transfer money to my account if ever magbigay sa kanya si tito. I used my savings to pay for all our bills that were not on my budget.
Nahihiya naman akong i-follow up kay tito ang tungkol doon kaya hindi ako nagsabi. Dahil doon ay nagalaw ko ang ipon ko na para sa gitara para lang may maibili kami ng grocery at miscellaneous fees ko sa school.
Hindi rin ako nagsabi ng tungkol doon kay Hiraya dahil alam kong ma-guguilty siya. I want her to live a comfortable life here in our apartment. Ayokong pati ito ay dumagdag sa stress na nararamdam niya.
I thought it was for the best, but I guess I went blind.
I needed money for the both of us so I asked Nadya for a favor. Sinabihan ko siya na ako ang tawagan niya kapag nakakahanap siya ng opportunity kung saan kami pwedeng tumugtog.
Because of that, I didn't know that I was slowly giving my girlfriend less of my attention. I thought her only focus was her studies, so I didn't mind going home late from our gigs.
"Putangina, Iñigo! Ano 'yon? Bakit ka pumayag, huh?" Naalerto kami ng biglang kwelyuhan ni Cameron si Iñigo.
The latter kept his cool and even smirked at him.
"Bakit? Kapag ako galit na galit ka pero kapag ikaw ang gagawa, ayos lang? Fuck you," he spat.
Pumagitna ako sa kanilang dalawa para awatin sila. Parehas silang mainit ang ulo at alam kong mas mauuwi pa ito sa mas malalang away kapag hindi sila napigilan.
"Hindi ko tinuloy! Puta, kayo 'yung iniisip ko! Ayaw ko kayo iwan sa ere kaya wala kang karapatan na sabihin 'yan!"
Wala na ang masayahing Cameron na siyang laging kasama namin. Parang biglang nag-ibang tao siya dahil sa inasal ni Iñigo.
"Edi sana hindi mo na kami inisip, ganyan ka naman 'di ba?"
That statement triggered Cameron, causing him to punch Iñigo on the face.
Inawat namin ni Josiah ang dalawa bago namin tawagin si Ann para pakalmahin si Cameron.
Inabot kami hanggang 11PM para lang pag-usapan ang pinagtalunan nila. Hindi ko napansin ang oras kaya halos lumipad ako pabalik ng apartment nang maalala kong nangako ako kay Hiraya na uuwi ako nang maaga.
My heart broke when I saw her on the couch, hugging herself. Guilt was slowly eating me up when I realized that she prepared a movie date for the both of us.
"Hirang, I'm sorry... something came up and hindi ko naman sila pwedeng iwan—" I tried to explain but she cut me off.
I knew she was mad and hurt, hindi niya lang pinapakita.
"It's okay, Steven. I understand naman, e."
Steven... What happened to love?
Despite being emotional, I just nodded at her. I waited for her to enter her room before I dropped myself to the couch.
My chest is aching from what happened. Nagsinungaling din ako na ililigpit ko ang hinanda niya pero imbis na itapon ay kinuha ko ito. The juice was no longer cold and the french fries were already saturated.
Nevertheless, I chose to eat it despite being full. I hate soggy fries but I do not want her efforts to go to waste.
I was torn between performing gigs more often or to just focus on my studies. I chose to do the first option because we needed money to pay for our bills and I don't want to compete with Hiraya for the first rank.
Besides, unti-unting nakikilala ang band namin kaya sa tingin ko ay kahit papaano makukumbinsi ko na si mama na suportahan ako.
I saw how devastated she was when she was placed as third. I was heartbroken as well—hearing her cries inside her room was too much for me to handle.
Nasasaktan ako kapag nasasaktan siya. Gusto kong lumuha kapag nakikita ko siyang umiiyak. Doble ang balik ng nararamdaman niya sa akin dahil isa siya sa mga taong pinahahalagahan ko.
I want to embrace her and comfort her in my arms. I badly want to dry her tears and make her smile again. I want to ease the pain she was feeling more than anything.
I love her so much that I was willing to sacrifice my dream for the both of us.
Pagdating ng second quarter ay doon mas lalong nawala ang atensyon ko sa pag-aaral ko. Kung dati ay nag-rereview pa ako bago pumasok, mas nagbigay ako ng oras sa pagsulat ng kanta. Imbis na makipaglaban ako sa recitation ay ginagamit ko ang oras ng lecture para magpahinga.
Parami na rin nang parami ang gastusin sa school at hindi na nagiging sapat ang ipon ko.
I was exhausted when I looked at the bills that I had to pay for September. I need to have a total of 16,000 pesos just for the bills and the groceries alone. Usually, it would be divided into two but since I do not want to burden her with our bills; I kept silent.
Ayoko ring humingi ng tulong kay mama o kahit sa ibang tao. Kaya ko pa naman e... kakayanin.
I opened an academic commission as my side hustle. Instead of doing my tasks, I was busy doing others' school work as a source of my income.
"Hello, kuya malayo ka pa po ba? Pasahan na po kasi mamaya... baka po ma-late 'yung paper namin." Halos naiiyak na sagot ng babae sa kabilang linya.
Fuck it, I still have an afternoon class. I was planning to give them the hard copy of their research tomorrow since iyon ang napag-usapan naming due date pero ngayon niya na hinihingi. Pumayag akong ako na ang mag-print dahil babayaran daw naman nila ang gagastusin ko roon.
"I'm near, pakisalubong na lang ako sa labas ng gate niyo."
I had no choice but to go to her school instead of attending my afternoon classes. I was standing outside their campus under the scorching heat of the sun, waiting for her group mates. Isang oras pa akong naghintay sa labas dahil lang hindi sila makalabas ng gate. She gave me a couple of bills and an extra payment for rushing me.
I was so fucking tired. My eyes hurt from too much radiation and my head hurts from lack of sleep. I was restless for a couple of days but that didn't stop me from working even hard.
I knew that I distanced myself from my studies so it was like a bomb when I saw my name on the first rank. When I overheard her conversation with Violet, my patience snapped.
"Hindi mo dapat ginawa 'yung performance task ko, Hiraya. Hinayaan mo na sana na hindi ako makapagpasa ng assignments at quizzes. Hinayaan mo na lang sana ako..." na mawala sa ranking.
"And what? Hayaan din kitang bumagsak?! Gano'n ba 'yung gusto mo? Steven, gusto ko lang pumasa ka, masama ba 'yon? And why are you so angry, anyway? Hindi ba pwedeng maging masaya ka na lang kasi top one ka na ngayong sem?"
"How can I be happy when I am seeing you like this?! I didn't want to be in the rank one in the first place!"
I was troubled after knowing what she did. I tried my best to work hard and stopped paying attention with my studies tapos ganito ang malalaman ko?
I was so fucking hurt for her because I knew how much she wanted to be on the first rank. Nangako siya sa aking babawi siya para sa ngayon sem. Alam kong kaya niya pang bumawi pero paano pag hindi umabot? Paano kung mahila ng grades niya ngayon para sa overall ranking?
Paano niya makikita ang mommy niya?
"You have no idea because you don't pay attention to it anymore! All you care about now is your band! Banda ka na lang nang banda..."
Her words rang in my ears. It felt like a knife pierced my heart.
Tumingala ako upang pigilan ang pagdaloy ng luha ko. Tuluyan akong napaiyak nang marinig ko ang huling sinabi niya.
"Steven, girlfriend mo ako, e. You know that I will support you, right? But this is too much. You not caring about your acads is too much for me to handle..." she paused. "Nakakapagod."
Ako ba hindi?
I was so broken but what shattered my heart into pieces was hearing her breaking up with me.
Instead of being remorseful, I understand her reasons. She was exhausted from everything and she was slowly drowning in pressure.
I thought we only needed space but when I woke up... she was missing. When I searched into her bedroom, half of her closet was gone. Sinubukan ko siyang tawagan pero hindi ko siya ma-contact. It's either her phone was off or she blocked my number.
Nanghihina akong napaupo sa kama ko. She was no longer here... and she took my heart with her.
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elluneily 🌷🍰🎫