EMMALINE LEILA WARNER
Hanging out with people in Kai's year is going to turn into a habit, I knew it. Aside from Clara everyone was actually really fun and nice. It was only two days after thanksgiving, but Kai told me he was going to a nearby club with the same people I saw at the lake party, and if I wanted to join. I said yes because A) I actually liked them B) I would not leave Clara with him alone outside school. School hours were enough torture for me, him being with her the whole day in class was affecting me. I sometimes zoned out from my own sessions and thought about what they could be doing, what they could be talking about.
"You don't want to play?" Maven asked to my right, snapping me out of my thoughts.
"Oh, I'm not really good with sports," I chuckled awkwardly. Rio and Kai were playing a 1 vs 1 basketball match while Maven and I watched from the benches. Clara, Dalia, and Amelia were playing keep away to our left, Dalia and Clara tossing the ball back and forth to each other while Amelia tried to catch it.
"You never played sports?" Maven wondered, raising an eyebrow.
"I mean I can. I'm just not so big on them," I said, "what sport do you like the most?"
"Probably volleyball," he shrugged, looking at Kai and Rio before looking at me again, "but that's so weird. I mean don't you practice basketball with Kai?"
"Kai doesn't do basketball practice," I replied with a shook of my head. Clubs consisted of a lot of sports now, but when we were young there wasn't many yet. Kai and I never really cared about learning anything besides swimming, and even that it was mostly our dads teaching us. Kai was really good at basketball, though, from playing around with his friends, I guess, "he's just naturally good at it, I guess."
"And you?" Maven asked, tossing a basketball between his hands, "what do you like to do the most?"
"Hmm," I narrowed my eyes, thinking, "I don't know? I like swimming."
"You're missing out a lot, Emma," he grinned, nudging my shoulder with his, "maybe if you decide to hang out with us more often, I can convince you to like volleyball too."
I let out a laugh, "maybe. You guys are fun, so I think I'll take your offer—"
My sentence was cut off by my own gasp as I felt a gust of air against my face, Maven's body jerking away from mine, but it was already too late. It was so fast I didn't even see when the ball hit Maven's shoulder, or where it even came from, I just saw as Maven clutched his shoulder with a groan, the ball rolling down the floor.
"What the hell, Kai?" Rio's voice snapped both Maven and I's heads, seeing Rio with his arms extended, a frown on his face, "that throw was so out. What are you doing?"
My gaze went to Kai expecting him to be shaking his head or trying to come up with an excuse, but all he did was just stand there, his eyes narrowed in our direction with a tilt of his head. What's happening right now? Not replying, Kai ran a hand through his already messed up hair and walked towards us, causing me to frown as his face became clearer. Aside from the sharp look in his eyes, his expression gave away absolutely nothing.
"You okay?" Kai nodded towards Maven, his voice coming out low, making me straighten my back for some unexplained reason.
Maven rubbed his shoulder and nodded, "yeah, you're good."
"Mhm," Kai hummed under his breath, I don't think Maven even heard it, I barely heard it. He turned his head to as I blinked up at him, the look in his eyes still not softening, "you? Are you okay? Did it hit you?"
"No," I let out, going to tug on ny sleeve but remembering my shirt is short sleeved, curling my hands into fists instead because he was still staring at me, "I'm fine."
"Good," he straightened, his eyes going to the ball in Maven's hand, hitting it with his palm, making it bounce to the floor before he caught it under his arm, "I'll take this. The other one is far away."
With that, he turned, bouncing the ball against the ground as he walked back to where Rio was. Rio crossed his arms, "if we're going to really challenge each other, you better level up your game. When I win I want to earn it, but with this rate? You're going to make it so easy, Kishimoto."
I watched as Kai took a sharp breath, his chest expanding before going back to normal, bouncing the ball more harder, Rio's hands already taking position to cut him off, but Kai was faster, rounding him and sprinting to the basketball hoop, jumping so high his hands gripped the gaol as he scored, making the hoop shake before his feet touched the ground again.
"What was that you were saying, Rio?" Kai turned, tilting his head, and Rio laughed after a moment, raising his arms up in surrender.
"Rio, you better not lose again!" Amelia cubbed her hands to her mouth, "you're embarrassing us in front of our new friend!"
She pointed at me, and he shook his head with a roll of his eyes, winking at her after saying, "don't worry, princess. I've got this in the bag."
"Yeah, right," Kai scoffed, and Rio's attention turned back to the game.
"Guys, I'm bored," Clara groaned to my left, snapping my attention to her throwing the ball to Amelia before a smile lit up, "I want to try basketball."
"Rio never let's anyone take the ball until he's done with the game," Amelia gave her a look, "especially when it's with Kai, who also gets too much into it."
Kai does get taken away when you hand him a basketball. I felt my chest tighten when Clara shrugged, "I just want to try."
She didn't give Amelia a chance to say anything again, turning and walking straight towards Kai. I fisted my hands, trying to control the look on my face. Stay away from him. She called out his name, making him whip his head to her once he scored a goal, and she tucked her hair behind her ear, saying something too far for me to hear.
I saw him hesitate, give Rio a glance before shrugging and handing her the ball. Why is he so nice to her? I know Kai, I know how he acts around most people. This man barely looks at people, he never even encourages in conversations. But here he is, standing behind Clara as she took position to throw the ball, and as if that wasn't enough, he was now touching her.
I gritted my teeth so hard I could hear my jaw tick the moment his arms came around hers, positioning them in a better direction before letting go, showing her how she should throw it. I felt like I was on fire, my chest was going to combust. This feeling was so ugly, so painful. I wanted to pry him away, to tell him not to look at her, that I'm right here, all he has to do is just say the word, all he has to do is want me.
I glanced at Amelia, seeing her already looking at me, quickly looking away and pursing her lips as she played with the ball in her hand, trying to act like she wasn't staring. When I looked back, Clara was already scoring the goal, clapping her hands twice as she jumped then held her palm up for a high five, watching Kai give her a soft smile and slam his palm to hers.
I wanted to wipe that smile off of his face, to slap some sense into him. Don't give her that look. You only gave me that smile, it's mine. He's taking it away from me. He's supposed to only smile at me, that's how he is. He only got comfortable with me. She's stealing it, she's stealing him.
So I was lying to myself, everything that happened in Thanksgiving was normal to him, was nothing. A part of me, a very small part, actually believed that his feelings might have shifted, that he probably sees me now. Sees me differently than he did for seventeen years, but of course not. I was delusional, I was drowning in here while he's in shallow water, oblivious about everything.
"Hey," I forced myself to say to Maven, giving him a smile, "I changed my mind, let's play."
"Really?" He raised an eyebrow, a small smile forming when I nodded, "alright, have you ever played before?"
"A little, yeah," I nodded as we stood up with, walking to get the ball on the ground since Kai took Maven's, "I used to play with Kai as kids, but he'd obviously better."
I tried to not let my mind wander to the memory, but it did anyway, forcing the scenes into my mind. We would play just for fun, I wasn't really good, so I knew he would purposely lose, but I took the win anyway. I remember how my heart would skip a beat whenever he touched me then, whenever he raised me up in the air when I couldn't reach the goal, how he would try and teach me by grabbing hold of my hands on the ball, how he would always hype me up after he made me win.
I glanced at him again, seeing him with his arms crossed, Rio resting his arm on Kai's shoulder as they watched Clara and Dalia switch, Amelia going to stand next to them to watch too. He's just having fun. It's not a big deal. It's not all about you.
I think I got used to not seeing him with friends, I got used to only us hanging out that I became greedy. I wanted him to only spend time with me. That was so wrong. So wrong and selfish. He's allowed to have friends, this jealousy isn't justified, it's not like he promised me anything. I made it all up.
I sighed and smiled at Maven again, I can have fun without him too, I'm not tied to him. He brought me here to have fun, I don't have to act like a kid who's attached to only him, "want to play 1 vs 1? We can take turns on this goal," I motioned to the hoop, "whoever gets 5 in first wins."
"Sounds good," he shrugged, giving me a smile, "you start."
He handed me the ball and stepped back. I bounced it a few times before jumping, throwing it high, watching it touch the ring, holding my breath at how it kept rounding it. Go in. It didn't, it fell the other way, making me groan and throw my head back as Maven chuckled, grabbing it and standing in my place, throwing it and getting in with no problem.
"I thought you were good at volleyball," I crossed my arms when he showed off, watching a smirk draw on his face.
"I'm good at a lot of things."
I rolled my eyes, taking the ball back from him, trying, and failing, not to glance back at Kai. The moment I looked back, he was already looking, doing a double take before frowning. I couldn't look away, like I wanted to challenge him.
Leave them. Come to me. Tell me to stay with you instead. I wanted him to be jealous too. I wanted him to hate that I'm having fun with someone else the same way I want to snatch him away, to tell Clara not to look at him again. But nothing. He just stared at me. Until Clara's hand went to his shoulder, making him blink and look down at her as she said something and handed him the ball.
I didn't want to see this anymore. I whipped my head back, bouncing my basketball on the ground, harder, faster, feeling my breathing become harder. Then I lifted it up, about to throw it before suddenly it was knocked out of my hand, bouncing on the floor in front of me before being grabbed by a hand. An olive skinned hand with a single silver ring on its index finger, the same hand that was holding mine on Thanksgiving.
I turned around, seeing Kai holding the ball in his hands and gave him a confused look, "what are you doing?"
"Nothing," he shrugged and I went to take it from him but he quickly stepped backwards, raising the ball up so I wouldn't reach it.
"Kai," I sighed, trying to reach it again, but he just chuckled, raising it higher, above his head, "stop being annoying."
"I don't know what you're talking about," he smiled, bouncing it once before resting it in his palm in front of him, "here, take it."
I glanced at him then the ball, hesitating before going to take it again before he hid it behind his back, making me huff, "I'm not joking."
I wanted to slap him. I wanted to scold him for being unbearable, for acting so calm when I was this angry. I don't even know where all this anger was coming from, but I knew I wanted to hit something right now. Preferably, punch his face.
"Come on, man," I heard Maven say, "give it to her."
Kai's gaze shifted from me to Maven, his smile still intact. Why is he acting so childish? That's not like him. I saw him press his tongue to his cheek before his smile turned into a soft chuckle, bouncing the ball once, "you know what, how about we all play a match? Distribute ourselves into two teams?"
"Now that's what I'm talking about!" Amelia suddenly came into view, giving us a grin, "I'm gonna be with Emma."
"I can't really play," I let out a nervous chuckle, shifting on my legs when all the attention fell on me, "you should pick someone else—"
"Girl, it's okay, this is just for fun," she waved a hand and motioned to Kai with her eyes, mouthing pick him to be with us.
I didn't even have time to process before Clara said, "okay, since I want to win, I want someone who actually knows what they're doing," she pressed her hands together, her two index fingers to her chin as she hummed, "wait how many are we?"
"Seve—"
"Just six," Dalia cut Rio off with a wave of her hand, "I don't want to play, I can be the judge."
"Okay, so 3 vs 3," Clara nodded to herself, "how about, Rio, Amelia, and Emma versus Kai, Maven, and I. Rio and Kai are the best of us so then it's even."
I looked at Kai, seeing he was about to speak but clenched his jaw the moment Clara said the teams, his eyes landing on me before going to Rio, looking away with a roll of his eyes.
"I'm cool with that," Rio shrugged then asked nobody in particular, "anyone has another opinion?"
"No, I think it's fine," I said before anyone could, I wanted to snap at them all. I wanted to grab Kai's hand and pull home on my team, but he didn't say anything. He was fine with it. He didn't disagree. It made me furious. If he's fine with it, then I need to learn to be too. I hated this. I hated that I was going crazy over him while he's not even here. I shouldn't feel like this. I'm ruining it. I'm ruining everything in our friendship in my head.
I went to tie my hair up but didn't find a hairband on me, looking around with my hand holding my hair up until Clara spoke.
"Oh, I have one," she took her tie out of her hair; stepping towards me and holding it up, "here you go."
"What about you?"
"My hair is short anyway, it's fine," she smiled until I took it out of her hand.
"Thanks," I said flatly, hearing her hum and step away. She's nice. She's nice to me. Why am I being too rude towards her? Because she wants to take him. She's not doing it on her own, it's not like he's pushing her away. I hate both of them.
I tied my hair and turned to stand in my place when a hand grabbed my wrist, looking back at Kai giving me a soft look, tugging me closer to him, "switch with someone."
"What?"
"Play on my team," he rushed before I could even get the entire word out, feeling his hand squeeze when I didn't reply. But I was trying to pry myself my eyes off of his. I loved his eyes so much, loved how soft they were, how calm they looked at me. I wanted to. I wanted to listen to him. I wanted him to insist more, to not let me go.
"No," I pulled my hand away instead, taking a step back and clearing my throat, "I'll hold you back, plus, we always used to play together, I want to play with someone else."
"They're not as good as me, you'll lose."
"I just want to have fun," I shrugged, "Rio and Amelia are fun."
I turned before he could say something else. I was scared I'd give in, I'd listen to him. Did I want to switch with Clara? Yes, more than anything. But I had to force myself not to. I don't want to do anything he tells me to just because I like him. It was pathetic. I've never felt that way before in my life. He seemed to do whatever he wants, gets whatever he wants.
When he wanted to hold my hand, I let him. When he wanted to hug me, I let him. When he carried me when I was sick, fed me soup, I let him. When he decided to be a jerk and act out like he did a moment ago by taking the ball from me, I couldn't do anything about it. And now he wants me on his team? Not every decision is under his control.
"Hey," Amelia said when I stood next to her, giving me a look before glancing where I was with Kai, "what was that?"
"Nothing," I huffed then decided to tame it down a little, winking at her, "anyway, hey, Rio is on your team."
She rolled her eyes, "stop. I wanted you to play together with Kai, you seem down."
"I'm alright," I put my hands on my hips, "I'm always with him anyway, I want to spend time with new people."
"If you say so," she shrugged before we stood in our spots, Rio and Kai standing in front of each other with the ball in Rio's hand before Dalia told them to start, Rio rounding Kai quickly as I ran while Amelia stood as defense. I watched as Rio passed Clara about to score when Maven cut it, taking the ball and passing it to Clara who passed it to Kai.
He quickly moved, making it past me before I could try to do anything, but Amelia jumped the moment he threw the ball when he reached the goal, pushing it away before it could reach the hoop then bounced it once, running and passing it to me when Kai got too close to her. I grabbed it, turning and running while bouncing it until I reached Clara, hearing Rio call on me before I passed it to him, making Clara in the middle of us.
She somehow managed to cut it just when Rio threw it, hearing Amelia groan from her spot, "ugh, since when did you start playing this good, Clarissa?"
Clara winked at her, and I lowered my eyebrows. Clarissa?
I blinked and shook my head, taking the chance to take the ball out of her hand the moment Maven came into view. I tried to get past him by running to the left, but he was faster, trying to take it from me but the moment he slipped it out of my hand, his front slammed into my shoulder, making me stumble on my own feet, not being able to catch myself before I fell on my side.
Strong, intense pain should through my arm, my wrist, making me groan out loud, curling my body as I held onto my wrist, feeling like my bones twisted and squeezed my eyes shut. Dalia yelled for us to stop, just when I heard many footsteps running towards me, but somehow the only person whose footsteps I didn't hear his footsteps was the first person to kneel next to me, his hand on my shoulder.
"Emmaline?" Kai let out in a worried voice I got used to, know too well as he turned my body so my back was on the floor as I opened my eyes to look at him, "are you okay? Where does it hurt?"
"I think... I think I twisted my wrist," I groaned when I felt a surge of pain hit me again. This was so embarrassing.
"I'm so sorry," Maven said as Kai helped me sit down instead of lying on the ground, his arms around my shoulder and back, "I didn't mean to—"
"Didn't you see her?" Kai shot up, his voice harsh like he was actually going to fight him.
"I didn't see that she was this close—"
"Why? Are you blind?!" Kai pushed Maven's chest, making him stumble a step backwards, still not stopping, "I thought I told you to take it easy on especially her."
Especially her. He told him that? I wanted to tell him to stop yelling, that it's okay, it's not Maven's fault. But I couldn't stop my heart from fluttering at his words. I looked at Clara, seeing her gritting her teeth at him, looking away and crossing her arms, but not before I saw her roll her eyes. It drove strange satisfaction down my body. I shouldn't feel like this, I shouldn't feel happy because someone else is clearly not, but I couldn't help it.
"Kai, calm down—"
"He could have broken her wrist!" Kai cut Rio off, making me frown at how he was shouting at them now, before he looked back at Maven, "I told you to be careful."
"Kai, stop," I finally said when I saw how they were all uncomfortable right now. I wanted to get out of here, "it was an accident, he didn't mean to."
"But—"
"But, nothing," I let Amelia help me stand up as I was still holding my left wrist with my other hand, taking a step forward and talking calmly to him, "you're making a scene for nothing, let's just go any clinic, I'm sure it's nothing."
"Does anything else hurt?" He moved his hands shoulders, making me take in a sharp breath at the goosebumps that broke down my body at his hands touching me skin to skin.
"No, just my wrist," I shook my head, "now, please apologize to them and let's go."
"Apologize—"
"Yes, Kai," I shot him a look, "he obviously didn't mean to. You can't talk like that to people, especially when they consider you as their friend. Come on, I'll go get my stuff."
I turned and went to get my bag, careful not to move my wrist too much as I slid it around my arm, turning back to see them all talking before Clara smiled, putting her hand on his wrist and then hugged him.
I couldn't help the scoff I let out when he hugged her back, looking away. What the hell was he doing? Why does he like her that much? He treats her so different than he treats every other girl at school, he treats her like... me. Except she's not me.
Clarissa.
He calls her Clara. He calls her by her nickname just like everyone calls me by mine. Everyone except him.
Emmaline. Emmaline. Emmaline. He never for even once called me Emma. I was always just Emmaline.
Why? Why her and not me? Why does he always call me Emmaline. I never understood, but I let it go. I thought it didn't really matter, I thought he just got used to it. He calls me Emmaline but her Clara? I heard him call her that in the lake, at school when she was with him, today. Calling someone by a nickname meant that someone is special, right? Yet after all those years, I was still just Emmaline.
I shouldn't be hurt, I shouldn't be angry at him. He didn't do anything wrong. He just called me by the name I was given. For 17 years. His best friend. It's all good. So what if he called her by a nickname. Everyone calls her by it, why wouldn't he?
Because everyone calls you Emma, why doesn't he?
I closed my eyes with a sigh. I just thought Clara liked Kai, that he was only oblivious to it, but the idea of him liking her, not me, hurt like hell. I didn't want it to, I hated feeling like this. I shouldn't feel like this. Don't require people's validation, Dad had said. I listened, I didn't care about people like he told me to. But Kai wasn't people. Kai was my best friend. He was my person. The only one I cared about his opinion of me, the only one I wanted to change his opinion of me.
I know he feels that way too, he had to. But I felt it more. Because while he loved me, I loved him. And the thought of him exchanging the same feelings I have for him with anyone else made me feel like I'm suffocating.
I'm supposed to be chill, I never wished to be someone or got envious of people I didn't even know. But he's making me jealous. Jealous of any girl he smiled at, every girl he even spared his time to.
"Would you be able to go to the library after we go to the clinic or do you want to go home afterwards?" Kai's voice pulled me out of my thoughts, blinking twice at him taking my bag off of my shoulder, sliding it around his instead. He had said we will go to the library to study after hanging out, just me and him. Maybe then I'll be quiet and blame it on the library rules.
"Yeah, it's fine," I smiled despite wanting to literally scream at him, "we had a deal to study in the library together today. You know I don't break promises."
"Yeah, but maybe you should rest at home—"
"No," I said so quickly, Kai's eyebrows rose up. If I went home now, Dad wouldn't leave me alone until I told him why I'm feeling hurt. I can't for the life of me hide my emotions from his powers, and I can't deal with this right now, "I have tons of studies, and I know I won't get it done if I went home."
"Okay," he smiled, putting his hand on the small of my back, making me grit my teeth at the contact. He has a big effect on me, so much more than I'd like. I would have loved it if I knew he wanted it, if he showed me he liked me back, but now I hate it, "let's go."
x-x-x-x-x-x-x
"Are you sure it doesn't hurt?" Kai asked for what felt like the millionth time since we left the clinic. The doctor said I just twisted my wrist and wrapped in a bandage, telling me all I have to do is rest it for a few days and wrote me a cream I should buy to just apply on it.
"I don't think my answer is going to change in less than a minute, Kai," I said with my eyes on my textbook, highlighting another point I didn't even know what it was talking about.
"Well, if you're not hurt then why that long face?" I felt him tilt his head.
"I don't have a long face, it's my concentrating face," I highlighted another phrase, "I'm studying."
"Studying?" He leaned in more, making me quickly lean away when his head touched mine to look at the text book, "you're turning this into a coloring book, Emmaline."
Emmaline. I took in an annoyed breath, ignoring how I felt my chest tighten right now, closing the lid of the highlighter and slamming it down, "shut up, you're distracting me."
"Me or that bright yellow highlighter that's going to blind you?" He narrowed his eyes at me before going through my pencil case, pulling out a purple one and putting it in front of me instead, "at least when someone colors something they include their favorite color."
"I color code," I shot him a glare, "you don't have to include your favorite color in everything, it's not like you do the same, that's childish."
"No, it's just because I don't have a favorite color," he shrugged.
"No, you do, it's green," I said before I could stop myself, clamping my mouth shut and closing my eyes. Damn it.
"Oh my god, wait," I heard him whisper, "it is my favorite color."
"Mhm," I turned the page, not even reading what I highlighted. I know everything about you, I wanted to say, why do you like some girl who barely knows your full name?
My heard thudded harder against my ribcage, biting the inside of my cheek to control the urge to just slam my head to this table. He should be with me. He should have told me he liked me ages ago. We make sense. We would be happy. I know it. We're supposed to be together, our parents even know it.
Even Dad. Nobody, not a single boy on this earth will gain Dad's trust like Kai does. Dad only trusts him with me. Since we were young, he never let me go out with boys unless Kai was there, he never let me go somewhere alone, I either find Kai in my face in the middle of my late night walk, or he's forced to go with me to begin with. I know dad is the one behind it.
I won't be able to find any other boy who'd replace him. In everything. Especially in my heart. Kai is in my heart, whether he likes it or not, he can't change that. He should choose me too. He belongs with me. That's how it works, that's how it is supposed to be. Why isn't he admitting it?
"Emmaline, what's wrong? Seriously?" He sighed, holding my hand to stop me from turning the page again, making me pull it away quickly, feeling like there was an electric shock sent up my whole arm at the touch.
"Nothing is wrong, oh my god," I whisper yelled since we're in a library, lowering my eyebrows at him, "can you stop?"
"You're lying," he leaned his elbow on the table, "I know when you're lying."
"Really?" I raised an eyebrow, "how?"
"Your nose wrinkles for a second," he touched my nose with his pen, "it's barely there, but I notice it every time."
I blinked at him a few times, my heart skipping a beat without my consent, feeling my lips part. I felt like I was going to cry. I was going to full on sob as I felt my heart twist. He notices. He knows what my tell is. What else do you want, Kai? I don't think my mum knows what my tell is, Dad probably knows when I'm lying because of my emotions, but this? This hurt.
This hurt because Kai cares so much. He cares about me so much, and it still wasn't enough. Because to him, I'm his best friend. His childhood. To me, he's everything I want. I don't even know when I reached that point, when I started feeling like if I didn't have him, I'd lose it.
I let myself make eye contact with him, seeing him still looking at me. I know that look. I fell in love with it. The look where he's patient, waiting, caring about what I have to say. He'd not only listen, he'd listen. He'd answer me. Make me feel better. He did that every time. Why couldn't he do that without just being my friend?
I don't want to be your friend anymore, I wanted to shake him awake, please see me.
"Emmaline?" He said again, making me realize how my chest was moving up and down harder, faster like I'm trying to suck in oxygen that wouldn't come in, "are you okay?"
"Why?" I whispered, feeling my eyes burn but refused to let tears even appear, closing my eyes until they went away before he could see.
"Why what?" He asked when I opened my eyes."
"Why do you always call me Emmaline?" I asked calmly, refusing to listen to all the thoughts telling me to shut up, to not do this.
"What do you mean?" He frowned, straightening his back a little.
I mean why don't you like me back? I mean what don't you see in me that's enough for you? I mean why do you treat some girl that's not me so good like that?
"I mean," I took a deep breath to fight the urge to shout at him, "why do you never call me by my nickname? Don't you find it weird?"
I watched his gaze drop, roaming around nothing in particular, like he was thinking. What is there to think about? Just say something.
I wanted him to just say that he's mine. That he sees what I'm feeling, but that was delusion. I hated how he knows so much about me, how if this world was ending, he'd run to me. He'd probably spend the last day on this earth with me if it came down to it. I think it would have been better if he wouldn't.
It would have been better if he didn't know anything about me, if he didn't know what my freaking favorite color was without me having to even tell him. It hurt so much. It hurt so much how someone who knows you better than you know yourself but at the same time not see you the way you see them.
"I don't know?" He finally said. All this thinking to say this? "Why are you thinking about this now? I never even thought about it."
Oh. He didn't even know what I was on about. No idea whatsoever. I didn't know if that was supposed to be a relief or just hurt more. Him not liking me, or him not even having thought about us together before. Never. Didn't he know I wanted to kiss him in the lake? Didn't he feel the way I held onto him in the motel? Didn't he see something in the way I looked at him in the patio, because I sure felt something. He had to have known it.
It made my heart break a little.
He was shattering my heart, and he didn't even have the slightest idea about it.
"Oh, nothing," I turned to face my books again, swallowing the lump in my throat, "just that, uh, I heard Amelia call her by her real name, I noticed how you call her by a nickname, so it just stood out to me how you always called me Emmaline that's all."
I really hoped he didn't hear the jealousy in my voice, trying to act normal. Just a girl talking to her best friend about a girl he could possibly like right now. He'll know her if he is thinking about her. He'll know who I'n talking about. Just best friends.
"Her?" He asked, and just when I thought he'd have no idea about what I'm talking about, he knocked the air out of my chest by his next words, "oh, do you mean Clara?"
Clara.
She's always there, isn't she? I sighed and closed my books, putting them in bag in silence before turning and smiling at him, "yeah, but anyway it's not a big deal, I was just curious."
I needed to get out of his face. I didn't want to see him anymore right now. I wanted to be alone so I can peacefully cry and be dramatic over a boy like I'm in one of those silly movies Jett rolls her eyes on when the girl cares too much about the guy.
"I'm gonna go buy the medicine then walk home—"
"Wait what?" He shot up from his seat when I stood up, holding my wrist, "why? I'll come with you. Don't walk alone."
"It's still early, Kai," I freed myself from his grip, "I'll just walk, stop treating me like a kid."
"I'm not," he quickly blocked my way when I took a step forward, "did I do something wrong? Are you upset with me? Is that why you want to be alone?"
"No," I shook my head, "you didn't do anything. Am I just not allowed to breath without you with me or what?"
Rude. That was rude and unfair. If it was possible, I'd spend every second of everyday with this man. I'd never get bored. But it's not. Because he doesn't like me that way. And I need to learn to get over it.
"No, of course not," his shoulders fell, shoving his hands in his pockets as his eyes softened, looking so innocent and small after having the worried look in them fade, "I just thought, you know, we'd... walk home together."
"Don't be so dramatic," I forced myself to roll my eyes and smile, "it's literally a ten minutes walk, you won't miss me, don't worry."
I patted his shoulder before rounding him, walking out of the door, letting out a long exhale through the breath I was holding and walking before he could change his mind and insist on not leaving me alone.
x-x-x-x-x-x
After I bought the medicine, I didn't go home as promised. I didn't want to see him, I didn't want to deal with him right now. I didn't want to deal with my parents. What I wanted was to let what I was feeling out, to tell someone how much I'm furious and sad and upset I am. I just wanted to cry in peace without someone asking many questions.
So I headed to Jett's, knocking on the door until Aunt Alia opened the door for me.
"Hey!" Aunt Alia said once she opened the door, "Emma, how are you?"
"I'm great," I smiled, hugging her before she let me in, "is Jett here?"
"Yeah, she's upstairs," Aunt Alia returned the smile, "did you come alone? Where's Kai?"
"I'm alone," I sighed taking off my shoes, "I just wanted to spend some time with Jett outside of school."
"Oh, okay," she replied, "do you need anything? Water? Food?"
"No, it's fine, thank you," I smiled softly before going to head upstairs when someone blocked my path.
"ID, please," Zade leaned against the wall, and I rolled my eyes, "you're transpassing my property."
"Did you pay for said property?" I cocked my head, causing him to frown.
"So first, you didn't say hi. Second, you only asked for Jett as if I'm not a part of your family anymore. Third, you're insulting me."
"Get out of my way, or I swear I will make James pick us up from school every. Day."
"You wouldn't," he gave me a flabbergasted look, "you wouldn't do that to me."
"Watch me," I crossed my arms, "he'd be so honored."
"You're evil," he said in a flat voice, but leaned away.
"Love you too," I patted his shoulder, heading towards Jett's room and knocking.
"Yeah?" She called in a muffled voice from the door separating us.
"Surprise," I popped my head through the door before getting in and closing it behind me.
"Hey," she smiled from her desk, "what are you doing here? And why is it so early? You said you guys will spend the entire day together. And— what happened to your wrist?"
"Oh, I just twisted it playing basketball," I waved a hand, throwing my bag on the bed before sitting on the mattress, "but, yeah, things didn't exactly go as planned."
"What do you mean?" She frowned, walking towards me before sitting down too, "what happened? Who do I need to kill?
I scoffed and hugged my knees, replaying everything that happened, his voice ringing in my head. His voice calling her name, his voice telling me things about me I didn't even know like how he knows I'm lying, his voice telling me he doesn't know why calls me by my name. I said I'd have to get over it, but I'll just give myself today. I'll get over it tomorrow.
"Jett," I started in a shaky breath, not wanting to say it out loud, not believing I'm saying it out loud, "why do you think he doesn't like me?"
I saw her jaw slightly drop, her eyebrows shoot up before lowering in confusion, so I went on, feeling my voice sound faint, "I mean, I honestly can't find a good reason. I've always been there. I know him better than anyone, I know what he wants without him saying it, I stick by his side when he's upset, I try so hard. So why doesn't he feel the same way? I don't understand."
I felt my eyes burn, and for the time time today, I let it go, let my vision blur as Jett asked, "what are you talking about? What happened?"
"He likes her," I snapped, "that blonde girl you saw with him at school. He likes her."
"What—"
"I don't get it," I shot up, pacing up and down the room as I talked, feeling my emotions take over, my nerves strike up as I went on, as I thought of her face, of his, of them standing so close to each other, "what has she done for him to treat her that way? She doesn't even know him, I do. I would be so good for him. I'd be the only one who would get him. Who the hell does she think she is to think she can have him?"
Who does she thinks she is to thing she could take him from me? "He's my best friend. Mine, not hers. She won't make him happy the same way I would. I know him better than anyone, I know him better than she ever could even if she studied his whole life from the moment he was born till now. Everyone knows that he should belong with me, then why not him himself?"
"Emma," she whispered when my voice cracked, when I felt tears stream down my face as I sniffed to take my breath. I don't know what I was saying, if I was trying to convince her, or myself that what I was saying is true, "I'm sure Kai feels the same way, he cares so much about you. He cares about you the most in this world."
"Yeah," I let out, wiping a few teats away even when more continued to well up in my eyes, "but that's just it. He cares. He'll always care, but have you honestly noticed anything he did those past weeks that he wouldn't normally do?"
She opened her mouth, but nothing came out. Like she was searching and not finding anything out of the ordinary, making me nod my head. I couldn't believe the position I was in right now. I couldn't imagine it. Anyone would want to be with me. Do they think I don't know how many boys flirted with me at school and I acted dumb? Do they not know that I understand what Ivan was doing calling me breathtaking? Dancing with me? I understand.
So why is it that the only boy who knows me the most, is the same one who doesn't want me? How could he not even want me?
"Exactly. I twisted his actions to my liking then got upset about it, Jett. I jumped into conclusions. Nothing that happened between us was out of character of him. He was always like that with me, always calm, always worrying, always soft, " I finally let myself cry, the thought of him acting the way I just described with someone else acted like a knife through my heart, "she shouldn't even be a completion to me, I shouldn't feel like this, right?"
She slowly shook her head and stood up, taking a step forward before pulling me in, hugging me to her as my shoulders shook when I cried into her shirt, lifting my chin to rest on her shoulder, "I love him so much, Jett."
"I know," she brushed her hand through the back of my head as I tried and failed to hold myself together. I love him so much. I really, really love him. All I wanted was for him to love me back.
"I couldn't even tell him," I whispered, "he didn't feel anything. He never felt anything for me."
"He's an idiot," she simply said, "do you know how many of my classmates have a crush on you?"
That made me scoff, even when the tears didn't stop, "how many?"
"All the boys and like three girls," she laughed, "they told me themselves to set you up with them."
I let out a chuckle and leaned back, seeing her smile through my blurry vision as I wiped away my tears, "you were right, men are stupid giant babies."
"Finally!" She fist pumped my shoulder just when my phone rang, snapping my attention to my bag, "do you think he's calling?"
"I was supposed to go home," I breathed in, walking to my bag and opening the zipper with shaky fingers, trying to ignore how heavy my heart still felt, how much it didn't hurt any less. I flipped open my phone, sighing at how many missed calls he left. I couldn't even go through them all. I think it's been forty minutes since I left him, I should have been home, like, thirty minutes ago.
I heart dropped when I scrolled past his calls, seeing that Mum called me about four times and Dad called me ten. I'm so dead. Suddenly the screen showed me Mum's number, making me physically jump back and hold the phone away from my face as if she would reach for me through it.
I glanced at Jett, seeing her face practically buried in my shoulder with her eyes pinned to the phone, "you're dead."
"Can you answer for me?" I made an apologetic face, "tell her that I wanted to hang out with you and that you want me to sleep over today."
She looked between the phone and me before sighing, taking the phone out of my hand and accepting the call, "hey!... yeah, Emma is here. We just called earlier and wanted to hang out... no, she's fine, she's just in the bathroom right now, but... can she please, please, spend the night here?... it's not a school day tomorrow, so it'll be fine, right... no, She was about to call you when she gets out from the bathroom but you beat her to it."
Jett let out a chuckle as I held my breath, "okay! Thank you! I'll let her call you, yes. Okay, bye, J!"
She flipped the phone, handing it to me, "you want ice cream?"
I was still looking at my phone as I nodded. Feeling her pat my shoulder before getting up, leaving me in silence between the four walls. I wiped away the dry tears I let out when Jett hugged me before throwing my phone in the bag again, getting under the blanket. When Jett came back, she had the entire ice cream box and two spoons.
I don't know how she did it, but she made me take my mind off of anything that happened today, anything that happened in general. It felt like I did actually come here to have a sleepover because after watching a movie, playing card games, laughing around when we pranked Zade, I found myself back in Jett's bed, and just when I thought I wouldn't be able to even close my eyes, I actually did, and I slept.
——————
A/N:
I rewrote this chapter so this is why you won't find many comments it's normal.
Anyway, let's stream you're losing me by Taylor Swift