August 20, 2022
One of the worst things I could have woken up to was the sound of an IV drip and a heart monitor. The sounds of shuffling feet barely muted beyond a door and mumbling, hardly understandable voices hovering around me. The atmosphere was all too familiar and it frightened me.
I feel myself stirring out of unconsciousness, the beeping of the heart monitor picking up the more I try to force myself awake, the only thought in my mind is that I need to get out and away from this place. I don't want to be in a hospital, I don't like it and I can't even remember why I'm here. Who brought me here? Last I remember I was at Leah's and then--
"He's waking up," A familiar voice says at my left.
"Kai?" I'm positive that one is Zoe.
Moments later I finally manage to crack my eyes open and squint up at the blurry version of my friends faces in the awful fluorescent lighting. On my right there's Zoe, Daisy, and Charlie, and to my left there's Jace, and Seth.
"Hey, how are you feeling?" Jace asks, concern glowing in his eyes.
I manage to pull myself into more of a sitting position, holding back an exhausted groan, "Like shit, what happened? Why am I here?"
"You fainted, Kai," Jace says, looking confused. "You don't remember? We were on our way upstairs and you just collapsed. I barely had time to catch you before you fell down the whole flight."
I shake my head back and forth, feeling my breath catch in my throat before turning into panting, "No, but I'm fine. Let's just go, I don't want to be here. I want t-to go home, Jace. I need out, I can't--"
"Whoa, mister. Slow down and breathe. What's going on?" Daisy asks, coming forward and placing a small dainty hand on my shoulder to try and put me at ease.
I feel the air become hot against my skin and my lungs begin working double time as I try to hurry out of the bed, but just as I'm getting my feet on the floor, despite Jace and Seth's efforts to stop me, the doctor walks in and orders that I return to my bed. I shake my head, feeling tears well up in my eyes. This isn't good, I don't want him here. I don't want to hear what he has to say, I don't want everyone else to hear what he has to say.
"Kai, if you need, we can give you something to relax your nerves. Do you think that would be best right now?" The doctor asks in a slow, but clear voice.
I frown, but nod as I try to catch my breath and fight the panic trying to take over and drag me down.
He does something with the IV before turning to me, "It's weak, so we can still discuss what we need to. Kai, do you understand why you fainted today?"
Everyone in the room looks at me as I blush and shake my head, "No, S-Sir."
"Are you sure?" The doctor asks again, frowning at me as I nod. "Mr. Harkins, are you aware of the complications that can come from lack of nutrition?"
"Are you saying he's not eating again!?" Zoe exclaims at the same time Jace says, "That can't be right! It's not, is it Kai?"
I look down at my hands, staring at the IV entering my arm as I cower in shame, "I... I never meant to let it get out of hand. I just... I've been a little stressed lately and just haven't had an appetite."
"Well, you must have been doing this for some time, because your blood sugar levels have dropped considerably, which is why you fainted. The two most common reasons for this in men is either diabetes, or an eating disorder; and sir you do not have diabetes," The doctor says, looking at me sadly.
I nod, avoiding everyone's eyes, especially Jace's, "I know, Sir."
"Your health records say you've been admitted for numerous problems, one of them being a past eating disorder. For your own sake, I'd like you to come in and be weighed every Monday and if your weight doesn't change or declines further, I will suggest that you try therapy again," He explains.
"Alright, Sir. Can I... Can I go home today?" I ask, praying I won't have to stay much longer.
Despite the drugs being pumped into my system, I still feel slightly uneasy and would prefer leaving as soon as possible. Hospitals just don't hold good memories for me and being in them for too long just makes me go crazy with anxiety.
"We need to raise your levels, but after that you'll be free to go. I'm going to suggest some supplements for you to take to make sure you're getting all the proper nutrients while you get your eating patterns regulated," The doctor says, looking at a machine at my side.
After a little more discussion about my weight and when the last time I ate was, which would probably be the lunch I had with Jace, Daisy and Jasper; the Doc finally left.
We're all silent for a bit, none of us really knowing quite what to say. After the hell of a scare we faced with Leah, I'm pretty sure none of us expected this. I sure didn't. I mean, yeah I knew I should have been eating more and I obviously noticed how fatigued and weak I've felt lately, but I never assumed it'd be this bad.
"Kai, why aren't you eating?" Daisy asks sadly, running a gentle hand through my hair.
I frown and shrug, "I didn't mean to do this, I just... it happened. That's the only way I can explain it. I never realized what I was doing to myself until it was too late, I guess."
I turn to Jace, hating the way he won't meet my gaze, "Jace--"
"Save it," He mutters, stepping away from my bedside. "If something was wrong, you could have told me. You should have--"
He can't even finish his sentence and just ends up shaking his head in disbelief before starting to leave. Panic rises in me at this, the scenario feeling too familiar, and something in me feels absolutely terrified by Jace pushing me away and leaving me alone... again. No, not again. I don't want to do this again.
Shakily, I fight my way out of bed, despite my friends' best efforts, "Jace, wait! Please, don't leave!"
He turns and looks ready to scold me, but he must see something in my expression that catches him off guard because his anger is replaced with sadness and all he can seem to do is sigh and say, "I just need to cool off. I'm going to grab a coffee and then I'll be back... I promise."
I nibble my lip, but nod sadly, "Okay, Jace. If it means anything... I'm sorry."
He meets my gaze for a moment, before sighing and walking away and out the door. I know I must be an exhausting person to deal with. Always having too many issues and worrying people. I wish I wasn't such a nuisance to everyone. They'd all be so much happier if I wasn't always bringing them down with my crap.
The second the door is closed, I hear footsteps behind me and turn only to receive a swift smack across the cheek. "The hell was that for!?"
Zoe huffs and places a hand on her slim waist, "You damn well know what that was for! Not eating again, Kai? Really? You're a grown man, and things in your life are so much better than they used to be and you have so many people supporting you. You know full well how important it is for you to watch your health and eating habits. If things were getting out of hand you should have told me, or Leah, or even Seth! You always have, so why not now? Why are you pulling away all of a sudden? I haven't seen this Kai since we were eighteen years old and dammit Kai, it terrifies me. I almost lost you once, and I don't ever want to go through that again. I love you like you're my own blood, please don't think you're saving us grief by not telling us. You're doing the exact opposite by hiding it from us."
"I don't know why I do it, Zoe! Okay? I just don't! You all act like there's some specific reason for why I do this shit! To be honest, half the time I can't explain why I feel how I feel, or why I do what I do! It just happens and I pay the consequence and I guess I just don't want to talk about it. Talking about it makes it real, and to be honest, I was quite content being in denial," I snap, my breathing coming out in angry huffs.
"First, I love you sweetie, but yell at me again and I'm going to put you back in that hospital bed for more than just fainting," She says with a warning smile, making me grimace knowing her all to well to think she's kidding. "Now, I know you have a lot of crap to deal with, but we all understand that and none of us will or have any right to judge you. You know you can talk to us and that we'll help you. Enough of this 'I don't want to worry or bother anyone.' Everything with Jace has disrupt your life, I get that. I mean, how could it not? But, I won't let you ruin yourself over this--"
"Zoe, I can't really think straight right now with these drugs, can we please not," I plea in exhaustion.
Charlie comes forward and slowly pulls me back to the bed, "Zoe, just let him relax for now, it's been a long day for everyone."
She sighs, but nods in agreement, dropping into a chair tiredly.
"How is Leah?" I ask, feeling horrible that everyone was with me rather than her.
"She's fine," Seth tells me, sitting on the bed next to me so he can sling an arm around my shoulder. "Our lil' lady is tougher than we give her credit for. She wanted to come, but Jared wouldn't allow it so she insisted we all be here for you."
I smile. That sounds like Leah. Always selfless and putting on a strong face, acting unfazed. I'm sure she hasn't told anyone else what she told me, which is why I know she needs more support than she's letting on, but if it makes her feel better for now to pretend she's fine, I'll just have to let her and make sure I'm there the day she cracks and finally releases all the pain she's holding captive inside.
A couple hours more in the hospital and I'm given the okay to get changed and get discharged at the front desk. Daisy sits with me while I fill out some papers, my eyes constantly glancing over to Jace who is standing with Charlie, making a point not to look at me. It hurts, but I know he's only doing it because he feels like I don't trust him enough. Which is understandable. How dare I keep asking him to trust me with what's going between him and Jasper, when I can't seem to trust him with anything at all.
Eventually we are all finished and making our way out of the hospital towards the cars. Charlie and Seth get in a truck, whilst Jace, Daisy, Zoe and I all take Zoe's car. The second I'm sitting in the back seat with Daisy, my heart hurts because I wish Jace had asked to sit with me, or even shown that he wanted to be near me right now. All I want right now is for him to be supportive and caring and hold my hand like he always did, but I know I don't deserve that from him right now.
"This is getting absolutely ridiculous," Zoe grumbles.
"What do you mean?" Daisy asks, tilting her head adorably.
My best friend glances in the rear view mirror at my 'girlfriend' with a slight frown, "Just everything! Just when you think the craziness is over, it comes back to prove you wrong! First the Kai and Jace reunion shit show, then the Jasper plot twist that only added more drama to the original shit show--"
"Hey--" Jace starts, but shuts up at the glare Zoe sends his way.
"Don't you 'hey' me! You know full well that this triangle between you, Kai and Jasper has caused more than half of the drama lately. It's not all your fault, but still mostly your responsibility, so pipe down and sit down. I'm not done talking!" Zoe snaps.
"I like her," Daisy whispers comically in my ear, so I turn and whisper back, "Me too."
"Anyway! Then Kai and Charlie get hammered and make out--yeah, don't think I didn't hear about that!--and then there's more! After that there's a bunch of drama between Seth and Charlie. 'Boo hoo, Seth's ignoring me! Boohoo Charlie hurt me so I'm going to sleep with someone and let him see! Then Kai gets caught in the middle of that war because as always he just has to play peacemaker. Then, Kai has a freaking meltdown on live radio and nearly loses his job--Yup, I heard that too Kai-bear--and then, oh fucking then! Leah gets attacked and the very next day Kai faints and we find out more awful crap! It's absolutely ridiculous! All of that! In just two months! Ridiculous!" Zoe snaps, gripping the steering wheel tight enough to turn her knuckles white.
"Zo-babe... I think you need to calm down," I say cautiously.
"Don't tell me to be calm! I am as calm as calm gets, Kaily! It's the rest of you dramatic buttheads that need to calm down and learn to talk your issues out rather than doing the first idiotic thing that comes to mind!" Zoe tells me sternly.
It's silent for a long while before Daisy mumbles awkwardly, "She does have a point."
"I do!" Zoe says with a smirk. "I like you, Daisy."
Jace looks irked by this, so I just roll my eyes and rest my cheek against my fist, but just then Zoe jerks the car, causing my face to smack against the glass pane. I look up in annoyance, rubbing my cheek to see her snickering.
"Ha-ha, hilarious," I grumble, reaching around to poke her side, making her giggle. "You're lucky I love you."
"I know," She says with a content smile, finally letting the car fall into a decent silence for the rest of the car ride.
Not long after we finally arrive back at Leah's and everything else becomes minor as my only concern is checking on my friend and make sure she's holding up okay. I feel awful that I left her in a time of need, knowing it was actually partially my fault, if not completely. Climbing the stairs though seems to take more strength than I expect and before I can stumble back, Jace catches me around the waist and I freeze, looking up at him before we both snap out of it and I tear away, allowing Seth to lead me up the rest of the way despite the hurt look on Jace's face.
"I got you, hot stuff," Seth whispers to me, and I feel a little at ease and smile at him gratefully.
Once upstairs, I find Leah in her room and immediately go to her side and accept the hug waiting for me there. It always seems to come to this. Leah and I sitting together, broken as ever, just holding each other steady. I knew that first day I met her, she'd become someone dear to me.
"What happened, Kai?" She asks, while everyone else goes silent.
Thanks guys, I think to myself.
"I haven't been taking very good care of myself, I'm sorry... but, I'm going to be okay, I'd rather focus on you," I say with a sad smile.
She looks to everyone else before leaning close to me and lowering her voice, "Just promise me you understand that you don't deserve any of this, and that I'm here with you no matter what until you're okay again and long after that."
Hearing her quote the words I said to her just last night after she broke down and told me what happened and I saw the guilt in her eyes for relapsing, I can't help but choke out a laugh that just barely sounds like a sob as I pull her in for a hug. Out of everyone, I knew she'd be the most understanding and I'm so grateful.
Jared clears his throat and turns to Zoe, "I think you should tell them the plan now."
"What plan?" Leah asks, looking confused and suspicious.
Zoe plops down at the end of the bed, fiddling with a stray thread as she speaks, "Oh, I had decided on where I want to have Ollie's birthday party."
"Oh?" I say, encouraging her to continue.
"Yeah, I had really liked the idea having heard about how much Leah loved going there as a kid--"
Leah gasps, but says nothing, just listens on in suspense and excitement.
"After all that's happened, I now also think it would be great for everyone to go," Zoe says.
"Oh, for crying out loud just tell me already," I say in exasperation.
She smiles and sighs, "Well, I thought it would be a great idea to do a weekend party at Leah's Aunt's camp, but Jared and I both think it would be good for everyone to have a longer get away vacation and decided to extend it to a week's stay. We already checked with their aunt."
"Oh! I haven't been there in so long!" Leah says, happy tears welling in her eyes and I'm sure I've never seen her so excited by anything.
I frown at the idea of being out at a secluded camp with not only Jace for a whole week, but probably Jace and Jasper. "I don't know--"
"Oh, you don't have a choice," Seth says suddenly, making all eyes turn to him as he puts on his best, sexy Cheshire grin on. "Either you go, or I tell everyone about the first time we met."
My eyes bulge at that and at the sound of everyone asking, suddenly intrigued, "Don't you dare! What about B? I can't just leave work."
"I have dirt on her, so don't worry your pretty little head bestie, I got you covered!" He says overly happy and pleased with himself.
"Wait, I want to know how you two met!" Zoe exclaims.
"Well, since Kai-babe hasn't agreed to go... it all started in sophomore year in college and-"
"Okay, I'll go!" I blurt out, not daring to let him finish that humiliating story. "Just shut up, and I'll go!"
Seth chuckles and waltzes over and ruffles my hair playfully, "Awww, you're so cute when you're embarrassed."
Charlie clears his throat purposefully, drawing Seth's attention, "Is that so?"
Seth grins and scampers over to his side like a dutiful pup, "Not as cute as you, though. You're freaking breathtaking, Gorgeous."
"Thanks, Seth," I deadpan.
Seth smirks apologetically at me and shrugs, "Gotta please the Mrs, sorry mate."
Charlie punches him for that comment and everyone laughs and for once, it seems like everyone is a little bit at ease, all together in the same room. It's actually kind of nice. Even with new additions like Charlie and Daisy. It would be even better if Zaq and Olivia could be here, but right now, I feel more than at home among my wonderful friends. No... my family.
After a while, Daisy says she had to go get ready for a night shift, and then Charlie and Seth decide to head out--which actually makes me happy, seeing them together again--and Zoe decides it's time she took me home, also deciding she'd be playing my doctor for the night, so she grabbed Jaec and I and stuck us in her car after our goodbyes were said and sped off.
That's how we all somehow got to sitting quietly in my living room, Jace and I on the black couch and Zoe sitting across from us, butt planted on the edge of my coffee table. She just stares at us, as if inspecting or searching for some sort of sign. Whatever she was looking for, I wish she'd find it soon because this is beyond uncomfortable and I'm exhausted.
"Any reason you couldn't drop me off at my parents so I could grab my car and go home?" Jace asks tiredly, looking a bit fidgety.
"In that much of a hurry, huh?" I mutter, refusing to look at him.
Zoe sighs and claps her hand to get our full attention, "Kai, play nice. Jace, you can drive home in the morning, I'll bring you to get your car as soon as we're up if you want. You didn't sleep well last night if at all and certainly didn't sleep while Kai was hospitalized, so you shouldn't be driving."
He sighs, but doesn't argue. I'm sure he knows that fighting Zoe--who's motherliness has only increased since having Ollie--is impossible. I also decide to listen and just nod along, running my hand through my hair while I yawn, feeling rather drained of energy.
"Kai, I'm staying with you in your room, and Jace you can take Charlie's. Clearly he's staying out--"
"Not having sex, though," I say with a knowing smirk.
They both raise a curious brow at me, but I just chuckle and shake my head.
"Anyway, it's late. Kai, you should eat something and then I'm going to give you some of those vitamin supplements and then you should rest. Doc said you'd probably be prone to fatigue for a while," Zoe explains, pulling some vitamin bottles from her shoulder bag.
Jace stands and stretches a bit, "I'll make him something, you just sit with him so he stays relaxed."
I'm sad, but also grateful. I wish I could lean on him right now, but right now his presence is just stressing me out and making it hard to focus on much else except what's wrong with us. Zoe, however much I love her, may not be my preferred choice, but she's the healthiest for me at the moment.
With Jace gone, Zoe leans forward and whispers, "I know you'd rather him not here tonight, but you may as well get used to it, babe. He's coming to the camp with us this weekend, and you decided to let him stay in your life so you're kind of going to have to learn to cope with whatever come's with that decision."
I nod, but say nothing. What can I say? Do I say that I'll probably never be able to be happy for Jace when he's with someone else? That I actually prefer him here despite my pain because I'm scared of Jasper for him? That I'm scared to face Jasper? That I don't see how this camp trip will help me at all? Nothing I want to say is positive, so as always I simply hold my tongue.
Zoe cuddles up on me for the next twenty minutes, just playing with my fringe out of boredom while we sit with our thoughts and wait for the food. I missed this. Hanging out and just sitting with Zoe. I forgot how calming it can be and how much she helps me find my ground. To be honest, I'd be lost without her, I don't understand how I ever could have gone so long without her in my life. Never again do I want to push her, or anyone from my life. It was stupid of me, because I know now that they're all necessary. They're all a part of me now and... and I guess I'm a part of them, too. We're meant to be together. All of us. Our little band of misfits.
I smile down at my best friend and without even questioning it, she smiles back and then Jace is bringing in the food and the sight of us makes even him smile and that makes me happy inside. Jace deserves to be happy, he doesn't deserve to be down right now, or ever for that matter.
We all eat peacefully, and despite struggling with the food, I did okay thanks to both of them. When we're done I take my supplements and Zoe heads off the my room to get ready for bed before me, leaving me alone with Jace.
"Look, it's not that I didn't want to tell you, I honestly didn't think it was this bad. I was too busy thinking about everything else and--" I say, practically tripping over my words I'm speaking so quickly.
He simply cuts me off and hugs me, "I believe you, I was just scared, Kai. Losing you is my worst nightmare."
I nod and hug him tightly in return, "I'll try to be more careful, I promise."
He pulls back and smiles that radiant crooked grin that melts my heart every time as he says to me, "Good. That's all I could ever ask of you, Kai."
We stare into each other's eyes for some time before he starts moving in, lips parting ever so slightly. I begin tilting my head to meet him, but think better of it and quickly move so his lips land on my cheek. My eyes squeeze shut as I clench a fist in his shirt and whisper, "Goodnight, Jace. Sleep well, okay?"
With that, I turn and hurry into my room, pressing my back against the door, tears finally breaking free in the safety of my room. My eyes open to see a sad Zoe sitting cross-legged on my bed, tears in her own eyes, and I know it's only because she hates seeing me hurting just as I would hate to see her hurting.
"Zo--" I say, but I choke on her name as a sob escapes instead.
Her arms open for me as she nods me over, "I know, babe. Come on, let's get some rest, okay?"
I nod and rush into her arms, letting her cuddle up to me, holding me somehow comfortably in her small arms against her very small frame. My tears slowing steadily. "I love him. Everything's a mess, and everything is broken, but I can't help but still love him... Zoe, is there something wrong with me?"
She hushes me and hugs me tighter, "No, Kaily. You're not perfect, but there is nothing wrong with you. Life's given you a difficult road to travel, but fate will lead you somewhere good someday soon, that I'm sure of."
I hiccup as I wipe some tears away, hating how pathetic I feel right now, so sick of crying, "What makes you so sure? What if I'm just not meant to be happy?"
Her lips meet my forehead as she nestles down and closes her eyes, a barely there smile on her tiny lips, "Because you're special, Kai. People like you are meant to end up the happiest, and it's going to happen. Just you wait."
I watch her for a moment in stunned silence, but when I realize she's fallen asleep, I close my eyes too and pull her closer, wanting the comfort of my best friend as I slowly drift off. My thoughts spinning with the events that have happened in such a short time.
I wish I had your confidence, Zo.
Maybe then I could believe you.
just in case anyone doesn't understand the title Retrogression: The act of Retrogressing is to return to an earlier and usually worse condition
~Shay<3