Much the same way as he'd felt me use my dark power the night I'd died, Feyrith knew I'd used it on Dain at Hollowglen. He knew I'd not only used it on Dain at Hollowglen, but that I'd overpowered Dain with it at Hollowglen. And he didn't seem to care that I couldn't do it on demand. And I'd tried. I'd spent the whole night after we returned to Henmar trying, standing in the middle of Feyrith's throne room in the middle of the gathered delegations, I'd spent all my energy trying to replicate my actions. But the most I'd managed was to swamp the room in shadow.
I'd thought they'd be happy if it looked like my power in Hollowglen was a fluke, or maybe even a misunderstanding. Maybe it hadn't been me after all. I should have known I wasn't going to get off that easily.
"Then her power is even more dangerous than we thought," a Stouze said.
Even an Undying Seas fae agreed. "She is too volatile. Unpredictable."
"The sidhe by their very nature are volatile and unpredictable," Dain pointed out, though I knew he wasn't defending me. It wasn't about me, it was about his rivalry with his uncle.
There had been something so very dark about him since our return from Hollowglen. The shadows licked at his outline, they hovered over him even when he was standing in direct light. The skin under his eyes was shadowed and there wasn't a pinpoint of whites left in those eyes. There was a constant amused snarl on his face, like he was taking exceptional pleasure in everyone and anyone's pain.
"You would do well to keep your mouth shut, Dain of the Voidsworn," the Febren leader hissed.
"And here I thought we'd put our differences behind us, Thessalia," Dain said, dropping his voice low and seductive as he stepped towards her.
Thessalia took a step towards Dain, and I saw her eyes lower. She was flirting with him as well. If Dain and I weren't evidence enough that sidhe kept sex and emotions completely separate, then he and the Febren leader were the perfect models for it. For the most part, I didn't much care if they screwed each other senseless in front of everyone gathered. But there was a small human part of me that cared very much. The abyss reached up to swallow that feeling, along with the last remaining human part of me.
"Your massacre of my people was not so much forgiven as agreed to be forgotten, but nothing could ever lay aside our differences. That you killed a whole fiann for this hybrid bastard without even knowing who she was goes to show how little provocation it takes for you to turn on your own kind."
"Your people–" Alenia started, but Dain took over.
"–entered my lands with ill intent," he snarled. "They trespassed with the gall to enact their justice in my dominion."
"She had our property. It was not a matter for the Shaden."
"As soon as they dared step foot in the Darkrealm, it was a matter for the Shaden."
"And what of any other fae who steps foot into your Darkrealm, Dain?" the fire fae Ysildea asked coldly. "Will you wage war on them as well?"
"Are we pretending the situation would not be the same if I was to step foot on the Burning Isles and conduct any business I saw fit without announcing myself?" Dain asked. "If I came to Stouze, or Febren or the Undying Seas and acted as though there was not a lord to whom I owed explanation."
"You play at king, Dain," the sea fae said carefully, "But no crown sits upon your brow."
"There could be," Alenia said quietly, shooting a warning look to Feyrith.
That warning look rippled through the room. They all knew Dain had a right to the High King's throne and that he could probably take it if he wanted it. It was obvious though that every fae in the room knew the only reason he hadn't was because he didn't want it. Then, they all turned those warning looks on me and I realised what the next fear was; I was the one thing that could make Dain want it. Feyrith had suggested as much to Dain already but, by the way they were looking at me, they all knew it as well.
"If we can return to the matter at hand," Ysildea snapped. "The hybrid should be under our care. No one escapes the Burning Isles."
"Thivrah's magic against your weak wills?" the sea fae asked. "We would hold her at the bottom of the sea far more easily."
"And when she dies on the way back up, what will it matter because we'll all be dead as well?" the Stouze asked sarcastically.
Dain crossed his arms, all furious arrogance. He smirked at them all, his eyes hard and cold, like he was daring them to do anything against him or me when they knew full well what the consequences would be. He'd created a standoff of cold war proportions; every sidhe in the room knew I needed to be dealt with somehow, and yet there was nothing they could do because Dain would unleash his not insignificant power on the lot of them.
"The answer is simple," Feyrith said to them all. "She stays here with me."
"To what end?" Thessalia asked. "Do you think the woods can control death? The only one her power will ever truly obey is Dain." Her eyes darted to Dain's crotch, and I was sure I could guess what she thought he controlled me with.
"And she has sworn fealty to Vodreylia," Alenia added. "It makes the most sense that she be under our guard."
"Where she can leech more power and become more dangerous?" Feyrith said.
"Might I remind you that she has been in Henmar for almost two months and now is the time she is able to overpower me," Dain said, his voice soft but cutting through the rest of the conversation easily. "Being in the Darkrealm or not will make no difference to the growth of her power. It lives within her, and she gets more powerful by simply living."
"Then we know what the solution to all our problems is," was Feyrith's answer.
Shadows swarmed into the room, thrashing against the light and Dain's fury was palpable. "If you tire of existence, please try to kill her," Dain said to them all. "Have you considered that ending her is not the answer, but perhaps trusting her is the best way to secure her allegiance?"
Something clattered in the back of my head. Like I knew what the inevitable conclusion to their fear and distrust was. But I pushed it away. I wasn't going down that path. I would prove to them that I wasn't my grandmother. I might hold the power of death within me, I might have had zero control and could explode at any moment, but I was no threat to the Túatha.
"I just want to live my life!"
The words burst out of my mouth, but I heard a voice not mine within them. A voice that seemed to come from the abyss. It was an ancient, powerful, dark piece of me that didn't refuse to acknowledge the predicament I was in.
"And you are welcome to live that life," Feyrith said snidely. "As a guest in my home."
"You think I will suffer you crafting yet another prison for me?" I asked him, the abyss in me choosing now to cry for freedom. True freedom.
"You have lived this life so far in gilded cages, bastard. First by your father, then by Dain," Feyrith said. "If you choose to think of this as another, at least this one should be pleasurable."
I levelled him a heavy glare. "Not if you're my only company."
Thessalia was about the only one in the room who seemed to find that as amusing as I did. Or she was the only one who showed it. "You must admit, despite how I long to end her myself, it is almost worth keeping her alive for the amusement of her defiance alone."
I ignored her. "Is this the part where you assume I'll explode you all to light? Or kill you with a single thought? Or whatever else power you think I've inherited from my grandmother?"
I opened my arms wide and the sidhe in the room seemed to pause. A couple even stepped back nervously. The only one who didn't look at me warily or with suspicion was Dain. No, he looked at me like I was just a pawn in their political power struggles.
"Surely, I'd have done it by now," I told them, my voice quiet for fear it would otherwise crack in front of them. "If I was really that dangerous, if I really had that much power, if I wanted to use it on you, wouldn't I have done so already? What do I gain from letting you insult me and argue about how to deal with me like I'm not even here?"
"The danger is in your unpredictability," Thessalia said. "Even you know you have that much power. The potential at the very least. The danger is in not knowing when or how you will use it, regardless of whether you intend to or not."
I blinked. "Then what test am I supposed to pass to prove myself to you?"
"Master it," Alenia said, seemingly finally on my side. Perhaps. "Show us you have control and that will remove one concern."
I nodded. "One concern. And what about the rest?"
Thessalia shrugged. "You swore fealty to Dain of the Voidsworn over any other sidhe lord." The implication heavy that nothing could overcome that deficit.
My eyes darted to the smug look in Feyrith's eyes. I knew that was going to bite me in the arse at some point. He'd given me no choice about swearing fealty to someone, but of course swearing fealty to anyone would make the others instantly distrustful. Was that part of his plan?
Goddess...
Was that Feyrith's plan? Was he stirring them? Did he want them to fear me? Did he want this anxiety and concern? Was I simply something to bring the fae together against a common enemy? Or was it something far more sinister?
"Then I will master it," I said, directing my reply to Thessalia of the Febren. "By then perhaps you will have come up with my next test.
"Perhaps."
*
Ninleyn was the one providing me distraction. After the last fight with Dain, I just didn't feel like forgetting my problems with sex, so I tried to fix them with knowledge instead. And the knowledge I needed, and that Ninleyn could provide for me, was accelerating my understanding of the sidhe mother tongue.
Hiding away in the library, studying, also gave me an excuse to avoid the other kingdoms' delegates. The way they hovered and watched me every time I was in the same room as though just waiting for me to explode on them again.
Phin had confirmed my fear after the standoff in the throne room; when I'd dispersed Dain to light, I'd also killed the remaining soldiers. I'd thrown up when she told me, nothing other than bile, which bit and clawed at the back of my throat as I'd wretched and wretched until I felt like there was nothing left in me but the abyss.
Thessalia and Alenia. All of them. They were right. I had to master it. If I didn't, they were right to fear me. Because I couldn't very well convince them I wasn't a threat when I couldn't be sure I wasn't one.
So, I trained. I spent every morning with Dain, every afternoon with Nephinae, every evening with Ninleyn. Commanding shadow, bettering my fighting, and understanding the mother tongue.
"What are they supposed to think?" Dain taunted me. It was the same variation every day. Anything to piss me off. The problem was, he was so very good at it and I was so ready to be angry with him. Anger was better than what I feared the alternative might be. "You are beneath them. You are nothing to them, Milesian. The same way you have been nothing all your life. Less than. Inferior. Unworthy. And all that stands in their way is me. How that must anger you. That the one creature you hate most in this world is also the only one who can–"
I exploded at him, and he dispersed.
"Fuck," I muttered as I took a deep breath.
"We were going for control that time, yes?" Venali offered unhelpfully as Dain pulled himself back together.
Before Dain could say anything, I threw a hand up and he dispersed again.
Venali nodded. "Okay. So, powered by anger gets a big, fat tick."
I glared at Venali. "What part of this is you helping?"
He grinned. "The part where I'm the only thing stopping you from actually killing him."
I wiped my wrist over my brow. "Please, if you think that is at all possible, leave and let me get on with it."
Venali chuckled, but it was Dain who answered, "If you think it is at all possible, then try it and he will not stop you."
I turned on him and there was cocky condescension in his eyes. He knew I couldn't kill him. Not yet. With every passing day, it was beginning to become a whole lot more relevant again.
He came to my training session with Nephinae and interfered. It was taunting and aggravating and sexual and I blew up on Nephinae by accident. Not that she didn't understand fully, because she was about ready to skewer Dain herself.
He even came to my lesson with Ninleyn, where he sat in a chair off to the side under the guise of reading his own book. He interjected with snide remarks and the very opposite of encouragement. I didn't so much disperse anyone, but things got a little dark for a while.
My day ended no better at dinner when, after an entire day of Dain tormenting me, I was about done with everyone else.
"And how was your progress today, Yana?" Feyrith asked me, the paragon of nonchalance.
I gritted my teeth. "Unacceptable and disappointing, I'm sure."
Feyrith chuckled like I was terribly amusing. "Dain, what say you?"
"She certainly has mastered a lack of control."
I stood up quickly in my anger and glared at him across the table. He stood up far more decorously, planted both hands on the surface in front of him, and looked at me expectantly. Feyrith sat at the head of the table, between us, ready to watch the showdown with absolute glee.
"Is this the time you find your control, Yana?" Dain hissed.
The whole table went deadly quiet as they watched us.
Dain's eyes shone as he looked me over. "Show them," he begged. "Show them your control."
"You don't need control, Yana," Feyrith purred. "My nephew could stand to realise he is not as superior as he likes to think he is. Of course, you could just as easily show him by losing that control on my lap."
Oh! These fucking fae!
I felt the geas wrap around me as soon as my power blew out. The geas was like arms, tightly curled around my body in as much a protective action as a restraining one. I still fought them. Then shadows wrapped around me, and I was dragged to my room like some petulant child who wouldn't eat their vegetables before dessert.
I pushed away from Dain. "What is wrong with you?"
"Trying to avoid a promotion," he snarled as he stepped towards me, the shadows hadn't let go of him, they clung to him like it was taking all his strength not to succumb. "Shadow is one thing, but if they know you already wield death then I would have had to burn this kingdom to the ground."
Because the Shaden and I were the only ones who knew I'd wielded death at Hollowglen.
My mouth dropped open. "I wielded death?"
"You tried. My prisoner was..." His head twitched as though he wasn't fully in control. "...not happy about helping me block you."
"No. We couldn't have me accidentally killing the High King and promoting you. Because it's always about you!"
"You would have killed no one yet, but they would have felt you'd tried–"
"I wasn't trying anything! You just have this way of–"
"Will you shut up?" he cried, and the prison exploded into visibility across his skin. It writhed with more agitation than usual, like it could feel me, and it needed me as much as Dain did. As much as I needed them.
"Make me!" I yelled back, breathing hard.
His lips twisted in a feral snarl that sent excited tingles scurrying through my body. "You know how this ends, Milesian."
My heart thundered in my chest. I did know how this ends. At least, I hoped it ended the same way it had in the Darkrealm on my birthday. That's why I'd said it. Even now, even this, hate was so mixed up with lust for him that my head and my body was a complete mess without his touch. I felt like I was floundering in the middle of a deep dark sea, and he was the only one who could keep my head above it. The only one who could keep me breathing.
I could breathe in his darkness.
Our darkness.
Without it, I suffocated.
Drowned.
Strangled.
"Then end it," I growled.
He picked me up and slammed me against the wall as our lips met.
The shadows covered us. They crowded us. Wrapped us in a blanket where I could imagine for a moment there was safety in this world. Freedom. Something other than pain and fear and inadequacy. And I found that in his arms. He was the big, bad wolf out of the storybooks I'd read in the Aclad archives as a child, but it wasn't me he would destroy. No. He would destroy them for me. It was intoxicating, knowing that there was this much power in the world, and it wasn't against me. It was for me.
I'd been inadequate among humans, but I could find moments of respite. Among the sidhe, I was constantly fighting to prove them wrong. Prove I was enough, but now I had to prove I wasn't too much either. I couldn't win. It was exhausting.
In Dain's arms, I won. Even if it was for a few minutes. Hours.
So I kept going back to them. We fought and we fucked. What we did best. And, over the next couple of weeks, I fought for control of my power.
I ignored the changes in Dain, as he got darker and broodier and crueller with every day. I used it. Let it fuel my progress until I could disperse him to light at will and stop myself even when he purposefully did everything he could to make me lose control.