The next day, the guilt curled in. Unpredictably and irrationally. Like a part of me was waking up from slumber and realising what the rest of me had been up to in its absence.
Guilt and resentment.
Not that I had been the one to end that girl's life. I felt...very little for her or for her death. I still felt the rush of power, the understanding of what made Dain so unpredictable and single-minded. The euphoria had faded now. Though I had no unbearable drive to reclaim it with another life, I knew that, given the right circumstances, I would do it again.
Although, what were the right circumstances? Certainly, the attack on the puca had been the right circumstances.
No, it was guilt that I had given in to him.
Despite our previous conversation, the still very human part of me railed that I had given up so easily. To the allure of his life, a life free from shame and hurt and weakness. That and our shame were the only things that separated the humans from the fae; our compassion, our morals. They were minimal, they showed infrequently, but I knew they were there. They had to be there. Otherwise, all of this, all my pain and anger and drive for retribution these last seven years, would have been for nothing.
I wasn't just fighting for the lives my friends should have lived, the life I should have lived with them, but for all of humanity. It was the principle of the thing. Fae should not be allowed to massacre a whole horde of humans simply because we broke their rules. They should not be free to murder innocents for someone else's crimes simply because they were in the way. And I should not feel anything for this sidhe who took singular pleasure in doing so.
Feyrith would no doubt destroy me if I managed to kill Dain – if the other Shaden didn't do it first – but, what would it matter if Dain was dead? What would Feyrith's concerns about my 'loyalties' matter if Dain was dead? My mission would be complete. The mission I'd lost sight of. The mission I'd set aside for what? Pleasure? Acceptance? Belonging? I had belonged once. And Dain had taken it all from me.
More than resentment simmered in me. Grief. Grief so strong that I'd betrayed those Dain had taken from me. I'd forgotten them. Venali hadn't been enough to keep me from forgetting – or just ignoring – what Dain had done after all. And Dain would pay for that.
I lay in bed that morning and I felt it shift as Dain got up. My eyes still closed and my breathing still steady, he could think I was still asleep. He wouldn't know what I was thinking. He couldn't.
Why not now?
The stupid, arrogant fae had given me everything I needed. He'd done what I would never have been able to do on my own; given me a way to fight the fae. He'd had me trained, given me weapons, started turning me into one. I had a long way to come, but I had come an equally long way and I might not get the chance – or courage – again.
My time was now.
It didn't matter if Venali or Leyn or Phin were the one to mete my punishment – justice – I knew their retribution would be quick. But my mission would be complete.
I slid the knife he'd encouraged me to keep out from under my pillow and launched at him. True, going for his back was cowardly, but I had to give myself – my weaker hybrid body – a fighting chance.
He whirled at the last minute, like he'd known exactly what I was doing the whole time he'd had his back to me. Like it was a test. A test I'd failed.
He grinned at me as his long fingers wrapped around my wrist. "If I'd known all it would take was for you to kneel before me, I would have forced you to kneel much sooner."
I blinked in surprise. And some fear. Had he seen my greatest fear all along after all?
"You think I didn't know your plan?" His voice was a dark whisper, caressing the edges of those places just outside my peripheral, making the hairs on the back of my neck bristle. "What you wanted to do to me the moment you first saw my face in the Darkrealm?"
He made it sound sexual and delicious. I didn't doubt he thought of cold-blooded murder the exact same way he thought about sex. I didn't doubt he got the same satisfaction from both endeavours.
"Yet you saved me all the same," I retorted hotly; defiant arrogance to the last.
Victory shone in his eyes; a crooked, cheeky humour as likely to kill as laugh. "Yet I saved you all the same."
"Why?" I asked.
We were locked in this farce of an embrace, my blade inches from his chest, our noses almost brushing. One would have called it romantic if not for the murderous intent shining in both our hearts. Though, I supposed a moment could be two things.
"Because you amuse me, Milesian," he purred. "You thought you hid your heart? You thought a creature like me, so tied to the darkness that creeps through this world – the darkness that creeps through you – wouldn't see it, smell it, want it..." He dropped his voice into a caress, "need it."
Want spread through me like wildfire and my heart jolted out of its steady rhythm for a split-second. But Dain had always had that effect on me whenever he turned his eye to me. When he even just hinted that I might affect him as much as he affected me. I stamped it down.
Gently, ever so gently, he extricated the knife from my fingers.
"I think we might keep the toys out of the little human's reach for now, eh?"
I glared at him, and his chuckle was aggravating.
He swore in his tongue, reverent and amazed, and his eyes shone as he looked down at me. "Do you know how much I want you right now?"
Despite myself – and the time we'd spent in bed together the night before – unrelenting need clattered through me, filled me up until there was nothing but craven desire for him.
"I just tried to kill you," I pointed out, hoping he didn't notice how much more shallow my breath had just become.
But he grinned. The fae bastard grinned at me. He ran his hands over my hair, brushing it away from my face, as his eyes drilled into mine.
"And I have never wanted anything more."
I blinked, then was thankful – though not out loud, obviously – that he seemed to realise an explanation was in order. As he explained, he picked me up, tenderly, and took me back to the bed.
"I want your fire, Yana. I want your passion. I want you to fight for your convictions. Without them, we are nothing, merely following on from another's whim."
He lay me down, slowly and gently, and positioned himself between my legs. They parted as though welcoming him home.
"Try to kill me, if that's what you want," he continued as he slid into me. "If you succeed, you deserve it. But never, never relinquish that passion."
He punctuated every word with a powerful thrust, his face nuzzling mine, but it was different this time. No less satisfying, but very much less destructive. He was domineering and no more keen to willingly relinquish his control but... But there was something almost tender, reverent about it. About us.
I'd just tried to kill him but, if I didn't know how deep our mutual hatred ran, I'd have said that we made love that morning.
*
Over the next few days, Dain was kept busy, Ninleyn was often absent, and Phin had other things to do. So, it seemed Venali was put in charge of 'watching' me. No doubt Dain refused to leave me without one of the Shaden while I was in Henmar. Whether just for protection or also companionship, I didn't know.
When Feyrith wasn't demanding my presence, as on that day, I made use of Venali's expert distraction skills. Skills he was more than happy to put to such a good use.
I pushed him onto the couch. He smiled at me as he took my hands and drew me into his lap. "What do you need distracting from today, sweet princess of death?" he purred against my lips.
"What do you think?" I teased and he kissed me hard.
We rocked together as our kiss deepened and I grabbed a handful of his hair. Venali's hands ran over my body...
And the door crashed open.
Venali look up and frowned, but it was concern. "What?" he asked, and I saw Dain was hovering.
"Nothing that can't wait," Dain said, waving a dismissive hand but looking like the opposite. Then again, it couldn't have been a lie. "Take your pleasure."
But Venali was still paused. "I'm sure it can wait, but should it?"
"Discussing it now or in an hour will make little difference to the world."
"But to you?" Venali asked and Dain huffed.
"I did not intend to interrupt," was Dain's answer.
Realising that Venali – and I – were more interested in whatever had Dain storming into the room than each other at that moment, I slipped off Venali's lap. "What's happened?"
Dain looked me over like he wasn't sure if he should let us turn our attentions to him, or if some part of him felt like there was a point to be made in making sure we took our pleasures first.
Eventually, he ran a hand over his jaw and breathed out heavily. "Feyrith is searching for the crown," he said.
I still didn't really understand enough about it all to really get the full implication of that statement. Venali, however, clearly did.
"Fuck," he muttered. "Any luck?"
Dain took a seat on an opposite couch and shook his head. "Not yet. He has the ilids searching the libraries across Aegrath for any hint of knowledge. He has the sorcerers scouring the land for traces of the crown's power. He has every fianna on the hunt."
Venali frowned and huffed, "If he wanted to announce her to the whole fucking world, why not just throw a damned party?"
"The rumours will have been swirling since we arrived," Dain said.
Venali nodded. "No doubt. But the High King is looking for the crown. Did he tell them why, or is he going to let them guess that he's going to try to wield her himself?"
By the way Dain's eyes flickered to me, he hadn't considered that possibility. Or, he had considered it and he thought it was too probable for comfort. "She is safest here now. There will be no question of taking her back home. If the rest of the clans think she's under Feyrith's control, then they won't try to kill her. Straight away."
Venali shrugged. "No, but they'll all want a piece of her anyway. What about the fomoi? Rumours are one thing, but add in a hunt for the crown and they're going to get...restless."
"The borders to Khecuria are closed. They'd have to find a way off their island first."
"Like they haven't done that before."
Dain slumped on the couch, leant his head back against it and sighed. "Fucking hell."
"Did you know?" Venali asked.
Dain looked at him, still slouched. "Know what?"
"Know who she was when you found her?"
"No. How could I?"
Venali shrugged. "Your uncle seemed to think you should have is all. What do you want to do about the crown?"
After a pause, Dain scrubbed a hand over his chin. "What do you think we should do?"
"Leyn would be the more sensible choice for counsel on this matter," was Venali's careful answer.
"Leyn is busy pretending he doesn't relish that the High King's children are fighting over his cock."
Venali snorted. "Amrynn would probably give it to his own sister if he thought that would please Leyn."
"You say that like Saelihn wouldn't reciprocate." There was a soft amusement on Dain's face, of a joke shared with friends, that I told myself I felt nothing for.
"I see why you're stuck asking my counsel, then," Venali said with a smirk.
Dain inclined his head and sat up. "I would know all your counsel. Were it up to me..." He breathed out heavily.
"And that's why we're not leaving it up to you," was Venali's agreement.
"How–?" I started and they both looked at me unhesitatingly. As though what I had to say was interesting and important. It was somewhat unnerving. "How likely is he to find it and what does he want to do with it once he has it?"
"I can only conjecture," Dain answered. "He will find it. It may take more millennia than our kind has currently lived, but he will not rest until he's found it. What he plans to do with it..." His eyes darted to Venali. "I cannot say for sure. I want to think that history's pain will make him finally destroy it."
"Yet you don't think so?" I guessed.
"I'm afraid that he will use it to control you."
"You and every clan," Venali muttered.
"But how?" I asked.
"The High King has power over everything fae-kind. Every fae magic and power. The strength varies, but he would pool all his available powers if he could use it to control you."
"To do what, though?"
"If he had you at his every whim, then he would have no need of the Voidsworn anymore. One thought and you would be able to wipe out whole nations on the other side of the world. You would be his weapon, his deterrent, his hammer of justice. You would be a threat to anyone who even thought of betraying him."
The word echoed fiercely in my head, stabbing me with a pinprick of blinding pain. I winced and rubbed my temple.
"What's wrong?" Dain asked, scooting forward on his couch.
I shook my head. "I don't know. It happens sometimes."
"Since when?" Venali asked.
"Since the night I...encountered death."
Venali and Dain shared a look.
"Is anything else new since that night?" Dain said.
I shrugged. "I don't think so. I don't know. Lots of things are new since you bound me to you. I didn't keep track of exactly when they turned up."
Dain's face was pinched as though in worry, but he said nothing more on that subject. "We need to find the crown before my uncle."
Which caught Venali's attention for sure. "Oh, and that's not going to make him think you're looking to depose him."
"It will give us leverage."
"It could turn the whole Túatha against us."
"Or it could have them behind us."
Venali took a deep breath. "Or it could do that." He leant his elbows on his knees as he looked at Dain pointedly. "You know I will agree with any plan or wish you have. This is why you're taking my counsel forst, not Leyn's or Phin's. You want someone to agree with you, not stop you. And you know I'm that sidhe. But I will ask, for Yana's sake, are you sure?"
"Ven, what choice do I have? If my uncle gets the crown, he could..." Dain's eyes seemed pointedly not turning to me.
Venali nodded, seemingly happy to say the words Dain wouldn't. "He'll take her. I know. We can protect her, though."
"If he gets the crown, he will force her to kill me and then the geas can't protect her."
Venali nodded. "Then we find the crown first. You layer on all that not insignificant charm you've been hiding away for months, you do the dutiful nephew thing, and you tell him you want to help him. He'll believe you if you tell him you're doing it to protect Yana because that won't be a lie. You've already threatened the fucking world for her, it's not a leap to believe that you would stoop to your uncle's rule for her either."
Dain sighed. "I don't want to."
Venali's eyebrow rose wryly. "No. It's painfully obvious you've been averse to being at all charming since you found Yana in the Darkrealm and she still lusts for you. Imagine how she might react if you were actually even a fraction of how delightful you can be?" My cheeks heated and Venali broke out into a wide shit-stirring grin. "See, it's working already."
I shoved him companionably and he laughed.
Dain seemed as comfortable about the whole thing as I was, though I wondered if it was for a different reason. If Dain had the capability to be more charming than he already was, and I already needed him with a force I couldn't control, how would I react if he was actually charming? I suspected, though, that he was more concerned about how in the hell we were going to find the crown before Feyrith without alerting anyone to our true goal.