YORI
"Hello, I'm Yoritsune Alanis. You can call me Yori."
That was how I introduced myself in front of my blockmates during the freshman party. I passed the Honors program even though we lost the debate because I still won the e-games competition, and I had a lot of achievements that boosted my CV. I passed the University of Flare Alva. Bachelor of Science in Electronics Engineering and Master of Science in Electronics and Communications Engineering. It was an accelerated program, and only a few students were chosen to qualify. I was glad to be one of them.
Kaunti lang kami sa block kaya nakipag-merge na rin kami sa ibang engineering program pagkatapos ng introduction. The freshmen party had drinks and a lot of events like the singing competition.
"Inom ka muna, bro," alok sa akin ng blockmate ko. His name was Wale.
"I don't really drink," sabi ko naman sa kanya.
"Minsan lang! Masarap 'to. Hindi mo gaanong malalasahan 'yong alak."
I tried the cocktail drink and ended up liking it. Nang maubos, kumuha naman kami ng beer na nasa bote. I was already with three of my blockmates, including Wale. Nag-aya silang lumabas muna para maghanap ng mga potential 'crushes' daw nila at natangay pa ako.
"Ang daming magaganda," tuwang-tuwang sabi ng blockmate ko. Si Jero. "Heaven! This is heaven!"
"Ano ba ang type mo sa babae, Yori? Hahanapan ka namin," sabi ni Nam at inakbayan ako. "Ang dami, oh! Tulungan kitang magpakilala. Basta, tulungan n'yo rin ako, ah!"
Umiling ako pagkainom ko sa bote ng beer na hawak ko. "Hindi ako naghahanap."
Pagkasabi ko noon, may lumapit na dalawang babae sa akin, nagtutulakan pa. "Uhm... Hi!" bati noong isa sa akin. "So... Pinapatanong ng friend ko kung ano'ng name mo..."
Agad akong inasar ng mga blockmates ko at inalog-alog pa ang balikat ko. I forced a small smile, feeling uncomfortable and awkward.
"Yori! Yori pangalan niya," sabi ni Wale. "Go mo na, bro! Ang ganda niya," bulong niya pa sa akin.
"Ako nga pala si-"
"Kukuha lang ako ng drinks," sabi ko sa mga blockmates ko at agad nang umalis.
I was just walking around to find where the cocktail drinks were until I heard a loud laugh. Napalingon kaagad ako sa gilid ko. My eyes widened when I saw her.
Nam was asking about my type.
There she was. The answer was already in front of me.
"Saan sa internet mo naman napulot 'yan?" She laughed more while talking to a friend. I unconsciously smiled while watching her.
I found you again. Destiny really liked playing games with me.
I wanted to greet her... but I didn't know what to say, so I just looked away and went back to where my blockmates were standing.
"Grabe ka, Yori! Iniwan mo 'yong girls dito. May girlfriend ka ba? Hindi ka naman nagsasabi!" sabi ni Jero pagkabalik ko.
"I already found my type," sabi ko at uminom ulit ng beer. Lumingon ako sa gilid kung nasaan si Nat kanina pero wala na siya roon.
"Saan, bro? Patingin din ako!" sabi ni Nam.
"She left."
After that, we played some drinking games to get to know each other. We shared experiences on different topics... until we arrived at the topic of love and heartbreak.
"Have you been brokenhearted?"
That question made me think of the past. When she broke my heart, I tried so hard to distract myself. Hindi rin ako nakakain nang maayos. Buong bakasyon, wala akong ginawa kung hindi magpuyat kakalaro ng games.
"Sabi ko pa naman love is sweeter the second time around... Ganito pala epekto sa 'yo," Jap teased when he visited me in the house. My sister begged for him to come dahil nag-aalala na siya sa akin. "Come on, p're. Kalimutan mo na si Estella. Masaya na siya. Na-stalk ko siya sa Instagram. Dapat ikaw rin masaya na."
"I'm not sad," sabi ko naman. I was seated on my gaming chair, watching YouTube.
"Iniwan ka na noong tao. Tama na pagmumukmok diyan."
I couldn't focus on the video I was watching. "I'm already trying to get over her."
"Sure ka, ha? Huwag mo nang hahanapin sa campus. Huwag mo na ring babalikan!" he challenged me.
Why would I do that? I didn't have to look for her... because she kept on showing up on the campus! Simula noong nakita ko siya sa freshmen party, palagi ko na siyang nakikita. She even changed her hairstyle during second year. Bagay naman sa kanya.
'Yan na naman ako... Nakita ko lang siya ulit, ganito na ulit ako. Pasensya ka na, Jap...
There were a lot of opportunities to talk to her, but I would always just walk away. What would I even say? If she only looked at me once... I would go to her immediately... but she never did. She never looked at me. She was always busy doing other things.
Even when I was already beside her. Tumabi ako sa kanya para magdikit ng poster para sa e-games club.
"Okay na, Yori?! Nadikit mo na?!" sigaw ni Jero. He was also in the club. "Tara! Nandoon na sila!"
She just stood there and never looked at me. Tumalikod na lang ako at umalis, bigo na naman. I just wanted her to look at least once... pero mukhang iniiwasan niya talaga. Maybe she wanted nothing to do with me anymore.
"We're going to celebrate Christmas with Mom," sabi ni Ate.
Ang tagal din bago ako nakabalik sa Japan dahil pakiramdam ko hindi ko deserve na magpakita sa Mom ko hangga't wala pa akong napapatunayan sa sarili ko. I passed the Honors program so ever since then, my sister and I started spending our vacation in Japan. I liked staying there dahil mag-isa lang din ang Mom ko. Tumatanda na siya kaya palagi niya na kaming sinasabihang pumunta roon para may kasama siya.
"Gago, p're, may balita ako sa 'yo! Nandito ako sa Osaka, 'di ba?!" sabi ni Jap habang magka-video call kami.
I was peeling an apple when he called. Nakaupo lang ako sa sahig, mag-isa sa bahay. Our house was located in Tokyo.
"Oh, tapos?" Tumaas ang isang kilay ko.
"Nandito rin si Estella!"
Natigilan kaagad ako. Muntik pa akong masugat kaya binaba ko kaagad ang kutsilyo. I got my phone and put it nearer so I could hear him clearly.
"Where?" agad na tanong ko.
"Sa Osaka nga! Nakita ko siya sa USJ kanina noong nandoon ako!"
"Is she going to Tokyo?" I sounded too excited.
"Huh... Akala ko ba naka-move on ka na?" pang-aasar niya kaagad at ngumisi. "Ang sabi mo focus ka lang sa pag-aaral mo, ah. Ano 'to? Mahal mo pa rin hanggang ngayon?"
Binaba ko na ulit ang phone ko sa table at pinagpatuloy ang pagbalat ko ng apple. Natauhan ako bigla sa sinabi. I tried so hard not to sound like I was interested but... Maybe... Just maybe I could try again.
Ever since I parted ways with Nat, I never got interested in someone else. It was so hard to forget her. Sinusubukan ko naman pero palagi ko siyang nakikita kaya hindi rin nakakatulong. I would always just act like I didn't care or that it wasn't a big deal.
"Baka nakakalimutan mong sinaktan ka noong tao..." paalala sa akin ni Jap.
"I know," sabi ko na lang.
"Pero... Kung curious ka, I stalked her Instagram para sa 'yo. Pupunta rin siyang Tokyo! Kapag nagkita kayo ulit, huwag mo nang pakawalan. Tadhana na ang tawag doon." Paiba-iba naman ng side 'tong si Jap.
I tried to think where she would frequently go. Almost all tourists go to Shibuya. Good thing I lived near Shibuya so it wasn't hard for me to go there. Marami din naman akong ginagawa at pinupuntahan doon kaya hindi ako nabo-bore kakahintay.
Ano ba ang hinihintay ko? Milagro? That she would suddenly show up?
"This is stupid," bulong ko sa sarili ko. Three days na akong bumabalik sa Shibuya at tumatambay sa kung saan-saan doon.
I finally gave up on the fourth day. It was really not meant to be. Fate? Destiny? I already lost my chance.
I was busy cleaning the house when my sister went out of her room and called me. Lumingon kaagad ako habang hawak ang vacuum.
"Yori, Shibuya ni ikou. Let's buy you a new pair of shoes," my sister suddenly said. "Kyō wa samuikara, atatakai kakkō o shite ne."
Nanlaki ang mga mata ko. "Hontou?!" Really?!
She asked me to go with her to Shibuya and told me to dress warmly because it was cold. I wasn't thinking of even seeing Nat there. I was just too busy looking for the best pair of shoes to buy since my sister was going to treat me.
"I'll just buy something. Wait for me there." My sister pointed at the convenience store. Kanina pa kami lakad nang lakad. She bought me a new pair of shoes so I couldn't complain. Hindi ko na nga alam kung saan kami nakarating. We weren't in the middle of Shibuya anymore.
I was standing in front of the convenience store, breathing on my hands because it was cold. Inaayos ko ang scarf ko nang mapalingon ako sa gilid ko dahil may pumasok na babae sa store.
I froze. That was a familiar hairstyle.
Pumasok kaagad ako at nakita si Nat na nasa counter. Nakatalikod siya kaya lumipat ako ng ibang angle. I also grabbed an onigiri and a bottle of water so it wouldn't look awkward to go near her. Since may babayaran na ako, pumunta na ako sa counter. I stood behind her while she was trying so hard to understand what the cashier was saying.
"Do you want it warmed?" I translated.
Nestatwa siya sa kinatatayuan niya. I knew she recognized my voice. She looked back and saw my chest. Then, she looked up, and our eyes met.
She finally looked at me... but she immediately looked away and acted like she didn't see me. Nagmamadali siyang umalis, halos madapa-dapa pa.
I smiled to myself... because I was assured. I was assured that she was still affected by my presence.
Dapat pala hindi ko siya hinahanap. Tuwing hindi ko siya hinahanap, saka siya nagpapakita... so I just let things be. I didn't try to find her. A few days later, I went back to Shibuya because my sister asked me to return the clothes she bought. Mali raw ang size.
I was standing near the crossing when I saw the woman on the other side. My lips parted in shock. Damn... Just letting things happen really worked. Who knew she would be here at the same time as me?
I already passed by her when I noticed something on the ground. It was the keychain I gave her. Sabay naming pinulot 'yon. I didn't even notice that she came back.
She came back... for the keychain. Was it that important to her?
Nilahad ko ang kamay ko sa kanya para ibigay ang keychain.
"Found you," I said. "Again."
I wanted to say a lot of things... but the light was about to turn red kaya hinatak ko na siya patawid. I wouldn't want us to get into an accident. When we finally crossed, I noticed how much she was struggling to look at me or even open her mouth.
"Thank you."
That was the first thing she said to me after how many years.
I didn't have a plan. I have thought of different conversation starters for this scenario, but I also couldn't say anything. It was good that her mom had already found us... and I was invited to go with them for lunch.
She looked cold, so I took my gloves off and gave them to her. May dala naman akong extra heat pack. "Thank you," sabi niya.
"Thank you and sorry... Are those the only phrases you could say to me?"
I was expecting something else. Nararamdaman din ba niya ang nararamdaman ko?
I missed her.
Didn't she miss me too?
"Uhm... It's nice to see you again?"
Alright... Maybe saying she missed me was too much. I could settle for that. At least nag-uusap na ulit kami. I waited for this.
"May girlfriend ka ba?"
My eyes widened with her question. What... Why was she asking that? Before, she said I didn't look like I would be in a relationship. Nagbago na ba ang tingin niya sa akin? Did my looks improve?
"Do I now look like I'd be in a relationship?" nahihiyang tanong ko.
"S... Siyempre! You look good!"
That made me so happy.
"Really? I don't have a girlfriend, though."
How could I? She never left my mind. She never gave me a chance to. She had no competition. It was always just her.
"Ikaw?" tanong ko. I was hoping for a good answer. Please.
I felt relieved when she shook her head. "Ako?! Wala, 'no!"
I had a chance.
She even met my mom. After that, I received countless teasing. I only introduced Nat as my friend, but my mom knew it was more than that. I kept on denying it, but she knew me too well. Besides, kilala na niya si Nat simula SHS pa dahil palagi kaming magkasama.
When we went back to school, I got busy with club activities and my studies. I wanted to see her again, but it wasn't like we made significant progress when we were in Japan. I had to find the right timing... Iyong hindi magiging awkward na ayain siyang kumain sa labas.
Then I found it. The perfect timing. Malapit na ang Valentine's Day. It was a chance for me to ask her out. I bought her flowers and had them delivered to her room. Tinanong ko pa si Lyonelle tungkol doon.
"Kikiligin 'yon, bro," sabi sa akin ni Lyonelle. "Write her a letter too. She would fall for you all over again."
"I already wrote a short letter," sabi ko naman.
"I'm rooting for you!"
I also reserved a table for us. I even dressed up nicely and waited for her class to end. I was so nervous. Hindi ko nga alam kung papayag ba siya.
"Okay... Sofitel... Buffet lang ba?"
"Why? You want to book a room?"
Fuck... That wasn't what I had in my mind. Why did I say that? That sounded so wrong. I whispered a curse and looked away.
It was so hard to go through this stage again. I always had to be careful with her. I was always so conscious dahil baka may masabi akong mali at ma-turn off siya. I really wanted us to work. I wanted to have a relationship with her, so I tried my best to get her to like me again.
"Yori, may nagpapabigay ulit! Nakakailan ka na, ah," sabi ni Wale at inabot sa akin ang box ng chocolates. Punong-puno na ang bag ko dahil sa mga regalo. I couldn't remember the number of times I was asked out on a date today.
But I already had plans... with Nat. I had no one else in my mind.
"You're courting her?" tanong ni Jap habang kumakain kami ng samgyupsal malapit sa school. I was the one cooking and he was the one eating. Tumango ako bilang sagot sa tanong niya. "Hindi ba parang kayo na rin? She likes you. You like her."
"I want to do it this way."
"Sure na sure ka na talaga kay Estella?"
I looked at him straight in the eyes. "What's wrong with Nat?"
"Wala lang... Iniwan ka niya dati. Worried lang ako for you." Jap smiled a little before putting the whole lettuce inside his mouth. "Sana nagbago na siya. Hindi naman na kayo magkaklase kaya for sure she won't treat you as her rival anymore... Right?"
"Hindi naman siguro."
I changed the topic and we talked about my streaming activities. A streaming app offered me a lot of money to go streaming and I accepted so I could help pay the bills. Lilipat na rin akong Japan pagkatapos kong grumaduate.
That was the plan... because my sister's restaurant was about to close down. We were planning to live in Japan permanently so we could be with my Mom. My sister already had plans to open her restaurant there and I was already offered a good job opportunity.
"You're still going back to Korea, right?" I asked Jap while we were on the topic.
"Yeah, my family's going back," sabi naman niya. "Ikaw? Tutuloy ka pa rin sa Japan? Even when you have something going on with Estella?"
Napaisip ako roon. It was the plan... I had been working so hard all this time so I could finally live with my mom. I had been studying so hard so my mom would take me with her, so I could be worthy to live and work there.
"Ayaw ko munang isipin. Matagal pa 'yon," sabi ko na lang. I was so sure I could make it work. My relationship with Nat was not a typical one. Both of us had goals in mind... especially her. She was the type to not care about this thing. I was so sure she would choose her studies and career over me... over this relationship.
That honestly scared me, because Nat could just easily abandon this relationship... like before. Kaya niya akong iwan kapag ayaw na niya. Kaya niyang umalis sa relasyon kapag sa tingin niya ay hindi na niya kayang pagsabayin o kaya kapag nahihirapan siya.
Kasi hindi naman siya nagsasabi. Nat was the type to bottle everything inside, at kapag sumabog siya, madadamay ako. Madadamay ang relasyon namin. Once she realizes that she couldn't handle everything, she would want to let go of something... and this relationship is one of the choices.
I always feared for that scenario. I loved her too much and I knew I would be the one who would have a hard time letting go.
"Gago ka talaga! Sabi mo pangit iyong nakalandian mo noong high school!" I heard Nat's friend.
Natigilan ako habang hawak-hawak ang tubig. Nakalandian noong high school... I was there the whole time and I was the only one who had something with her. Baka naman junior high school? Wait... No, she didn't mention anything about that.
Were they talking about me?
"Uhm... Water. Just in case you forgot to bring." I avoided her eyes. "I'll go now."
I immediately walked away. Before she could catch up, my friends pulled me to our table. Tahimik lang akong nakaupo doon habang nakatulala, iniisip kung iyon ba talaga 'yong tingin niya sa akin noon.
"Huy, Yori, ano b'ang iniisip mo?" Pinitik ni Jero ang noo ko.
"Am I... ugly?" tanong ko sa kanila.
Lahat sila ay napaawang ang labi at gulat na gulat sa tanong ko. Some of them scoffed sarcastically like I offended them by my question. Nilabas ko ang phone ko para tingnan ang hitsura ko sa screen. At least I had a "glow up," right? I heard that was the term these days.
"Kung pangit ka, alikabok na lang kaming lahat sa lupa," sabi ni Nam.
"Nakaka-offend ka, bro, ah..." Napailing si Wale. "Sino nagsabi sa 'yo niyan? Patingin nga ng hitsura nang magkaalaman tayo kung sino talaga ang pangit!"
I looked over at Nat's table. She was busy talking with her friends. Well... I didn't know she thought of me that way... but it was all in the past.
"Someone said I looked ugly during high school." Pinakita ko sa kanila ang picture ko noong high school. It was a stolen photo of me during a debate competition. "Do I look that bad?"
"Tangina, high school ka niyan? May panahon ba na naging pangit ka, bro?" Kumunot ang noo ni Jero. Lahat sila ay pinalibutan iyong picture ko.
Okay... Maybe I was just not up to Nat's standards. I knew she had high standards. Sabi niya nga noon ay pasang-awa lang ako.
We went back to the campus after the fieldtrip. Bumaba kami ng bus ng mga kaibigan ko at nanatili roon sa gilid habang nag-uusap-usap. They were still laughing about what I said earlier.
"Kailan mo ba papakilala 'yong nililigawan mo, bro?" pangungulit ni Nam.
"Taga-Broadcasting 'di ba? I heard maraming chicks doon," pagbibiro naman ni Wale. "Sino pinakamaganda sa program nila ulit?"
"Iyong mayaman. Teka, I'll look for her picture." Nilabas ni Jero ang phone niya.
Whoever that was, I wasn't interested. Nakapalibot sila habang hinahanap ni Jero 'yong picture at pangalan sa freedom wall. I laughed when Nam teased me because they saw a post about me.
"Here! Nakita ko na!" sabi ni Jero. I heard their expressions of approval while looking at the photo. I only caught a glimpse of it because I already felt someone tugging on my shirt.
Lahat kami ay napalingon. Halos mahulog ang panga nila nang makita si Nat. Agad tinago ni Jero ang phone niya. Then, I saw it. Her picture. It was on his screen. It was her.
"Uh, sorry, excuse me," paalam ko sa kanila bago kami naglakad palayo.
We talked for a bit and I made her say goodbye to my friends so it wouldn't be hard to introduce her next time. All of them looked so awkward saying goodbye. Tumawa na lang ako at nagpaalam na bago kami umalis.
"I'm sorry," sabi niya. Hindi ko pinagkakalat na pangit ka, promise! I had my reasons before!"
"You were sad because of that?" That made me laugh. I already forgot about it and just accepted whatever she said. "I didn't mind. Don't be sad anymore." I just said that so she wouldn't feel sad about it anymore.
"Hindi na ako magiging sad kapag..."
"Kapag?"
"Kiss..."
"Ano?" I went nearer so I could hear her.
My eyes widened when she suddenly tiptoed and kissed me on the lips. Napakurap ako at hindi nakagalaw. That... That was my first kiss. What just happened?
"That's... not how I imagined our first kiss to go."
I imagined it to be in a more romantic setting... and I never imagined that it was her who would kiss me. I always thought I would be the one to initiate it.
"I'm sorry-"
I cupped her chin and tilted my head before kissing her. I held her waist and pulled her closer to me while moving my lips. This... was how I imagined a kiss would be.
"There. I returned it."
My heart was beating so fast. I was so nervous. Nanginginig nga ang mga kamay ko pero hindi ko na lang pinahalata sa kanya. I tried to act cool. Keep calm, Yori. Don't mess this up.
"Do you... like me?" tanong ko sa kanya. I just had to make sure.
"Hindi ba halata, huh? S... Siyempre, gusto kita! Hahalikan ba kita kung hindi?!"
It was like music to my ears. Isang sabi niya lang na gusto niya ako, parang nanghihina na ang tuhod ko. I felt so many emotions inside me.
"Daisuki."
I like you. I love you.
"Tsukiatte kudasai."
Let's date, please.
"I'll do better. I'll treat you better..." That was what she promised me.
When Nat and I started dating, everything felt so smooth... except that I got bombarded with a lot of questions by my friends. Halos paghahampasin na nila ako ng laptop pagkapasok ko sa room.
"Bro, si Estella Martinez?! Bakit hindi ka nagsasabi?!" Hinampas-hampas ako ni Wale.
I didn't know Estella was that famous around the campus for my friends to know her. "We just started dating."
"Kaya pala lagi ka nang nagpe-penalty dahil lumalagpas ka sa curfew, ah!" Hinampas ako ni Jero. We also became dormmates.
"Wala na, off the market na si Yori!" sigaw ni Nam. "Actually, matagal naman na siyang off the market. He never entertained girls."
I just focused on my studies as usual. I studied harder than everyone else because I was running for Latin honors and batch valedictorian. I was not as competitive as Nat, but I was also conscious of my grades. I was the type to put all of my scores in an Excel sheet so I could compute them before the release of grades and see how I was performing.
"Kita mo 'yan? Fourteen over fifteen." Nat was sad about her score. "Ang baba... Fifteen na sana kung hindi lang-"
"Kung hindi ka lang nagkamali... But it was a mistake. People make mistakes."
"Ikaw ba? May exams ka ba kanina?"
I got my bag and looked at my papers. All of them had a mark of "A." Sinara ko na lang ulit ang bag ko at hindi na pinakita sa kanya.
"Yeah, it was okay. I got the passing score," I said.
I didn't want Nat to feel any worse. Alam ko ang mararamdaman niya kapag nalaman niyang naka-perfect ako habang siya ay may isang mali. I could see how she was trying to work hard on that trait so I remained patient.
"Bakit naman kailangan pang tanungin score mo?" Jap asked while we were at the gym. I was doing some bench presses and he was spotting me. Minsan lang 'to sumama kaya susulitin ko na.
"She got used to it, I guess," sabi ko, pawis na pawis na habang nakahiga at nakatingin sa kisame.
"Now that you're back in her life, she finally has someone to compare herself to." Kinuha ni Jap ang inuminan ko at inabot sa akin.
I sat on the bench and drank some water. After that, I sighed. Hindi naman sa ayaw ni Jap kay Nat. He just knew what happened between us and what I had been through. He was still rooting for us but he also knew the possibility of her leaving me again or treating me as her rival again.
"It's not easy to break a habit. She has been competitive all her life. I can't expect her to change overnight," pagtatanggol ko naman.
"Well, okay. Sabi mo, eh. You know her best." Nagkibit-balikat si Jap.
I went to Nat's house so I could formally inform her parents about our relationship, but I ended up with an injury on my knee.
"Galit ka pa?" tanong niya.
I shook my head. "Hindi ako galit."
"Ang bilis mo naman magpatawad. Kung ako 'yan, hanggang next week, galit ako."
"You know I can't do that. I will always forgive you."
Totoo naman. I couldn't get mad at her. I didn't want to upset her... because I was trying so hard for her to stay. I didn't want to give her a reason to leave the relationship. Kahit anong gawin niya, papatawarin ko lang siya, basta manatili siya sa akin.
"Honey!" I was surprised by what the man called Nat. "I missed you! You said don't text you so I went here instead!"
Was that the man she was telling me about? The one who liked teasing her? The one who liked her?
"Hello, I'm Clain," pagpapakilala niya sa akin nang umalis saglit si Nat.
He had the looks of a celebrity. I just gave him a small smile and shook his hand. "Yori."
"You're my honey's boyfriend?" He was pertaining to Nat. "I guess I'm your rival now."
"I don't see any rivalry," sabi ko naman.
Malakas siyang tumawa sa sinabi ko at tinapik-tapik ako sa balikat. "I like you, bro! I see why she likes you! Are you half-Japanese?" Tumango ako sa kanya. "Anata ha Nihongo ga hanase masu ka?" Do you speak Japanese?
Tumango ako. "Hai. Nihongo o wakarimasu ka?" Yes. Do you understand Japanese?
"He-he, iyon lang alam ko!" Nag-peace sign siya sa akin. "Kung alam ko lang ganito pala mga type ni Nat, sana nag-take ako ng foreign language elective!"
"Stop teasing him, dumbass." Lai hit him on the head. "Sorry. My dog does not usually behave like this to people he just met."
"It's okay." I gave him an assuring smile.
I don't usually get jealous when I do not have a reason to. Well, maybe a bit... but not to a point where it would bother me.
"Yori, my brother idolizes you," sabi ni Seven sa akin. "You met him before, right? The young boy who liked playing e-games."
"Oh, thank you..." I said, embarrassed. "Uh... Are you guys together?" I asked and looked at Clain's sister. She was busy talking to her brother, so she didn't hear me.
"No," he quickly denied. "She's a friend."
I just asked because they seemed close. Or maybe it was just Anastasia trying to make a move on him. He didn't seem interested.
There was a commotion that made me realize that Nat really had trouble dealing with her emotions... aside from the scratches on her fingers.
"Ingatan mo siya, bro. Mahal ko 'yan."
Nat snapped and suddenly attacked Clain in front of me. It probably didn't hurt because Clain just kept on laughing, but I was shocked by what happened. The first emotion I felt was worry because she could hurt herself. I got mad and pulled her away from him.
The second emotion was anger. I was mad at her because of what she did. I was mad because of how she handled her emotions. That was not good. Even if she said it was because of me... It was no excuse.
Tama nga ako. She would bottle everything up at sasabog na lang siya bigla. Ngayon, 'yong kaibigan niya. Baka sa susunod... Sa akin naman niya mabunto.
"You should apologize to him for doing that, Nat..."
She needed to learn how to apologize. She needed to realize that what she did was wrong.
"Kung magso-sorry din siya sa akin." At least she was willing to apologize, too, and didn't straight up say no.
She was willing to learn... She was willing to change... I kept on telling myself that. That kept me going. I was not there to criticize her. I was there to help her grow and learn from her mistakes.
While drinking, Seven and Lai asked if I wanted to get more drinks with them. Pumasok kami sa loob ng bahay at tumambay saglit sa may kusina habang kumukuha sila ng bote at yelo. Seven was just there to help. He wasn't drinking at all.
"I'm sorry about Nat and Clain," Lyonelle said after a while. "It surprised you, right?"
"A bit... But I understand why that happened," sabi ko na lang.
"You always try to understand things," sabi ni Seven habang nagbibiyak ng yelo. "It's okay to get mad at her or express your disappointment... or be upset with her. You don't have to forgive so easily." Tiningnan niya ang sugat ko sa tuhod.
I looked up and sighed heavily. "I don't want her to leave me... so I don't want to become someone she thinks would be a hassle to keep."
"She loves you, Yori," sabi ni Lyonelle. "She won't leave you just because you got upset."
"She did it once." I laughed sarcastically. "So... I could see it happening again."
"She didn't leave because of you. She left because she was dealing with her own problems." Seven tapped my shoulder.
"Exactly. I don't want to be another 'problem' to her."
"Open your eyes, bro." Tumawa si Lai at ginulo ang buhok ko.
Maybe it was the alcohol talking, but that was really what I felt. I loved her too much. I loved her more than she loved me.
"Kokoro no sokokara aishiteru," I whispered. I love you with all my heart.
"I love you," she replied.
And that was enough. As long as she loves me... I have a reason to stay.
"Tanga... Ewan ko sa 'yo," sabi ni Jap. He shook his head in disappointment when I told him about my thoughts. "Ang tali-talino mong tao tapos ganyan ka mag-isip."
How far can I go? To what extent can I tolerate it?
"Nat, what's wrong?" I asked when we checked our grades in the portal.
"B plus..." Nakatulala pa rin siya.
"Nat..." I called her again.
"Patingin nga ng grades mo," she said and suddenly got my phone out of my hands.
"Nat-" I couldn't do anything but sigh while she was looking at my grades. I already saw them. Straight As. "Stop that."
Why... Why? My chest was hurting, seeing her do that.
Did we go back in time? I hated rivalry. I hated being treated like a competition. Why would she do this again?
"Congrats. So proud of you," she said with a forced smile.
That night, I stared at my grades for so long while waiting for my streaming schedule. I bit my lower lip, thinking if I should just... not study hard so she wouldn't feel bad anymore.
Should I just try to get lower scores? Lower grades?
Was it my fault? Was she upset because of me?
I sighed and covered my face with my hands, getting frustrated. A lot of thoughts were running in my mind. I just needed to be patient. Iyon lang 'yon. She will come back to her senses.
While streaming, I suddenly got a call, so I muted and turned off my camera to answer. It was Nat. "I'm sorry sa kanina."
I felt relieved. See? I knew she would go back to her senses eventually...
"Natauhan ka na?" I asked, letting out a laugh.
"Oo, sorry. I'm so proud of you! Hindi dapat ganoon 'yong naging reaction ko kanina. Sorry talaga."
"It's okay. As long as you know what you did was wrong."
She just needed a little push. I promised myself to help her go through this... trait of hers. I knew it was also hard for her. I understood where she was coming from... with a family of achievers. I tried to put myself in her shoes. I would feel the same way.
Since I started showing my face during my live streams, my followers and engagements went up. I had thousands and thousands of people watching my streams. I also got a lot of gifts that could be converted into money, plus the money being paid to me for every stream. I started saving up for my future... our future.
My world became wider and wider, and things also got busier with the debate training and e-game competitions.
After class, I went straight to the debate room for training. When I opened the door, I saw Clain and Nat. They were standing too close to each other in between the shelves. My brows furrowed, confused. What was happening before I went in?
That bothered me.
"T-tapos na class mo?" she asked.
"Yeah..."
It wasn't impossible for Nat to end up liking him. I was not the jealous type, but... ever since they made up, they became closer.
But I didn't want to address it. I didn't want to open it up because it might... upset her.
Damn... Jap was right. I was stupid.
I sat down and just focused on doing research for our debate topic. I was not mad at her. I just tried to forget about what I saw earlier. It was probably nothing. I didn't have to overthink it.
"Magkaklase kami ni Clain sa elective, tapos nakitambay lang din siya dito," she explained. "Ang sikip pala ng shelves dito... Medyo na-stuck kami."
"Yeah, I guess," I answered without looking at her.
"Galit ka ba?"
"Bakit ako magagalit?" I asked. I would only get mad if it was something else... if she felt something else. Kung iyon lang naman pala ang nangyari, wala nang problema. I just tried to understand the situation.
That was the best thing to do. Understand and be patient. I was not the type to make a big deal out of things. Hangga't kaya ko, iintindihin ko naman.
"Are you excited for the competition? It's your first debate competition after a long time."
"Hmm, alam ko namang mananalo tayo, eh. Kapag pinagsama tayong dalawa, we're unstoppable." She smirked.
"Iiyak ka ba kapag natalo tayo?"
She shrugged. "Madi-disappoint ako, siyempre. Baka hindi na ako sumali next year kapag natalo."
Disappointment lang ba talaga?
"You can cry... but you can't leave me," I reminded her.
"Huh?"
I looked at her straight in the eyes. "Cry all you want, Nat, but you can't leave me again if we lose... So don't even think about it."
"Paano kapag ako pala ang iiwan mo?"
Why would I even think of leaving her? I was the one afraid of getting abandoned.
Is it even possible to leave someone you love this much? I don't think so...
As long as she loves me, I will stay. Aalis lang ako kapag hindi na niya ako mahal.
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