Chapter Six: The Effects Of Being Aware Of Your Imminent Death
Willow
I sit on the couch in complete silence, my mind alarmingly blank. I can't bring myself to dwell on any past regrets or worries. There's no use.
My prep team departed about an hour ago. They dressed me up in a suit similar to the one I wore at training. It's not too thick and seems to be waterproof.
It should be any minute now that two peacekeepers burst through the doors of my janky apartment and drag me off to the arena of The 14th Hunger Games.
I stay quiet and listen, hoping to hear their heavy footsteps before they practically break my door down.
However, the footsteps I hear are not what I'm expecting. Instead of the synced footsteps of two peacekeepers, I hear just one pair. Whoever it is seems to be running and tripping over themselves as they rush.
There is a quick succession of knocks on the door, followed by a familiar voice calling my name. I rush to open the door, gasping as Sejanus greets me with a hug tight enough to crack a few ribs.
He ushers me deeper into the apartment, and we settle on the couch together. He appears to be more worried than I am. His eyes quickly scan over me, trying to discern my mental state. He does that often.
"How are you feeling?" He looks at me expectantly. He's probably hoping I will pour my heart out to him, and he'll be able to comfort me. He enjoys comforting people purely because he just likes to help. He's good like that. I admire him for it every day.
I can't bring myself to reply. I can't bring myself to say anything. I open my mouth to speak, and nothing comes out except for a strained breath.
My heart races as I begin to panic. I don't know what's wrong with me. My breathing quickens, and all of a sudden, I feel like my lungs are being crushed. I gasp for breath, but it feels like I can't get enough air or breathe deep enough.
Tears stream down my face as I freak out. Unlike my usual tears, these are real because for the first time since my reaping, I'm fucking terrified.
I don't want to die. I don't want to fight. I don't want to struggle to stay alive. I just want to go home. I want to go home to my dad, to the beach, to the fish, to the boats, to the docks. I just want this to be over.
Sejanus grabs my shaking hands in his. He's speaking to me, but I can't hear him.
I want to go home.
My mind is running in overdrive. Every horrible thought I was pushing away before is now flying through my head at lightning speed.
I don't want to fight.
I feel like I'm dying. I wonder if this is what it will feel like when it happens in the arena.
I don't want to die.
I feel Sejanus' soft hands on my face before his voice reaches me. He's cupping my face in his hands so tenderly like I could easily crack into pieces. I probably could.
Worry is etched onto every inch of his face. "Willow, please. Breathe! Slowly..." He pleads.
I'm still hyperventilating. The lightheadedness is starting to get to me. Sejanus' voice is the only thing grounding me, reminding me of where I am.
"Listen to me, Willow." His voice is firm, and it demands my attention, even in my frenzied state. "Breathe with me. Nice and slow, c'mon." He inhales and exhales deeply, and I try my best to copy him. I just want this to be over.
I grab his wrists, desperately needing something to hold on to. His hands are still cradling my face, forcing me to keep my eyes on him. I wouldn't dare look away anyway.
"Sejanus..." I force out his name in between ragged breaths.
He visibly relaxes at the sound of my voice. "I'm right here," he says softly.
My breathing slows down significantly, but the tears don't stop flowing. "I don't want to die." My voice cracks pathetically. I'm not made for this.
Sejanus pulls my shaking form against his chest, holding me much more softly than his previous hug. "I know... I'm so sorry." He murmurs. I know he means it. He always does. I still don't know what he's sorry for because this isn't his fault at all.
I don't say anything else, still trying to force my breathing back to normal.
When I finally calm down, I pull away from Sejanus reluctantly. I wipe my tears, which were the last to stop.
Sejanus watches me carefully, as if I'm a ticking time bomb. "Are you okay now?"
I laugh dryly. "About okay as I can be in this situation."
He laughs with me for once, which surprises me. He doesn't share my sense of humor about the games.
He checks his watch and sighs. I can tell he's nervous. His leg bounces up and down with anxiety, and his jaw is clenched tightly.
"They will be here any minute to-" He pauses, inhaling sharply. "to- uhm... take you to the games." The way he struggles to get the words out confuses me. I struggle to recall a time when Sejanus' actions haven't confused me.
I've yet to wrap my head around why this affects him so much. At first, I just thought it was because he's so kind-hearted, but it has to be more than that.
"Are you still- are you going to fight?"
I despise that this topic has come up again. I should have known better than to think that Sejanus would let it go.
I sigh dejectedly. I don't want to get into it with him about this. "It doesn't matter, Sejanus."
He scoffs, his jaw clenching even more if that's possible. He turns his head to the side as if he can't bear to look at me.
"It matters to me." His words come out harsher than I expected.
"Why? Do you need me to win to get an A Plus?" I realize how mean that was, but I can't bring myself to take it back. The fact that I'm just a school project to him has been bothering me. It feels so degrading.
My question sets him off. "Willow, I could care less about the fucking grade!" He's never yelled at me like this before. His voice bounces off the gray walls of the apartment.
I don't have the energy to yell back. "So then what do you care about? Do you want me to live so that you feel less guilty about being complicit in this shit?" My words are dripping with vitriol. I don't sound like myself anymore, but I don't care.
He runs his hand through his hair frustration, messing up his pretty curls. "Do you really think I care about anything other than you?" He's not yelling anymore; instead, his voice sounds weak. "Do you even know what you've done to me?"
What???
I stare at him blankly, not knowing how to take that. He's rendered me speechless.
I can hear the uniform steps of two peacekeepers marching up to my doors. I need to answer him now, or I won't get another chance.
"Sejanus, what do you mean?" is all I can manage. The door bursts open, and I'm hoisted up off of the couch by my arms.
He stares at me as I'm being dragged away, face full of terror. I call out his name, repeating my question, but he stays glued to that couch. He doesn't move from where I left him. Not even as I'm being dragged down the hallway.
So much for my last memory of him being a good one.
A/N- yawl i need to start planning out how her games r gonna go i cannot just blindly write it 😭 i plan to make it like 3ish parts, probably all in her pov but idk maybe one in sejanus pov. we will see.
also y is the title of this part giving percy jackson lol.
also never written a panic attack before so hope that's good