It's something I've always done. Always dealt with. Always had. For as long as I can remember.
As the years went by, the power of the temptations grew, me being at fault. But I didn't know it was something other people struggled with too. I thought I was alone. That I was insane and had no one to possibly understand my messed up brain.
My brain hasn't always been mine alone. It was never clear, never quiet.
It started out with just people I cared about or had feelings for. I'd pretend they're with me. Like I wasn't alone. I'd have conversations with them. I was never myself.
Then I got more obsessive as I grew older. I fell into a trap of writing fanfiction. It was all fun and games, but I was only fueling the fire. Scenarios after scenarios of me with fictional characters. Or being obsessed with different ships.
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I ran to my imagination world whenever my reality got too much. Whenever fear or stress came, I ran. My imagination was my own world. A place where I was in complete control. Where I could make anything happen.
The earliest memory I have of doing this is when I was five. Although, now, it's at it's most destructive. However, I feel slight changes of God finally breaking this chain. It'll happen. It's not impossible. God, You've broken my sinful chains before.
But now I'm finally understanding that this world was a cry for comfort. Comfort I tried to give myself, even though I know I can't get peace anywhere that's better than Yours. Because I've experienced it. I know it first hand, yet I still long for control. I struggle with surrender.
But I know my relationships in reality are more meaningful than ones made up. Even if they're ones I enjoy creating. My mind wanders and can do so for hours at a time. But reality needs to be recognized. I need to accept the bad along with the good.
For Your strength is made perfect in my weakness.