Everything feels distant.
I'm walking around on auto. My mind keeps wandering and 'deleting' memories I've just made. I hardly remember what we learned in class. All I know is that it annoyed me and it bored Chester. Both classes.
I do remember being told we'll be going to the town as a class every Wednesday.
If I really try, I can piece things together to bring things back. But if I try too hard, it falls apart again. The clock says that six to seven hours have passed, but my mind says that it's been less than an hour.
It's driving me insane!
Did I already fill out that journal with Adelaide?
Did I have a conversation with Celine?
Who is Michaels?
Why do my hands hurt?
What did I eat for lunch?
Where has time gone?
"So, are you still going to sit with Celine?" Someone asks, breaking into my head space. I turn to see Bexley holding a notebook. My notebook.
How do I know it's mine? I don't know, it just feels like mine. Why is he holding it? I don't know that either.
I nod and mumble, "Can I see that?"
He hands it to me and I flip it open to the section that has a bookmark in it. It's my handwriting. It fills all the pages top-to-bottom.
It's what I've been doing today.
Of course! I'm a genius!
I scribble in it before handing it back to him. He smiles at me and nods ahead. I turn and step into the Lunch hall. I scan the room for Celine and when I spot her, I trudge over to her. Whatever I planned on doing will come back to me once I sit with her. I'm certain
"Lynx. Hi. Are you going to get your food?" Celine asks, pitifully smiling at me. Suddenly I become annoyed. I look around the room to see everyone doing double takes. Some point at me and others giggle. When one person looks at me, they look at Bexley and vice versa.
It hits like a wall of bricks.
The rumors.
It had to be about Bexley. It couldn't be about one of the other boys. The boys I grew up in the same training home with. What was it about again?
Oh, of course. It's that I'm scandalous and just want to succeed in sleeping with boys. I think it's worse for Bexley.
"Hello, Celine. Thank you for letting me sit with you," I mutter, sitting across from her. She nods and pokes at her food, "Why wouldn't I? Silly rumors like that don't phase me. But I am so sorry that this is happening to you. You really don't deserve it."
I try not to scoff. It sounds ridiculous. Me, Lynx, not deserving attention? I'm not the optimist, but things could go well from here.
That is if I can start remembering things.
I smile at her and mumble a small thank you before noting a watch on my wrist. I lift my hand and tap the screen on the small gadget. A small screen folds out of it. On the screen are five things, three of which are crossed out.
It takes me a moment to figure out what the list is, but when I do I let out a crazy laugh. It's small but it expresses the disdain I feel for agreeing to do the tasks. Looking at the list, I know why I did it. It's because I wanted these fools to know what kind of person I am. I don't need people, they're just nice stepping stools.
I can manage things on my own perfectly fine.
I shake off the mood and look down at the list:
̶S̶̶i̶̶g̶̶n̶ ̶y̶̶o̶̶u̶'̶r̶̶e̶ ̶n̶̶a̶̶m̶̶e̶ ̶a̶̶n̶̶d̶ ̶i̶̶f̶ ̶y̶̶o̶̶u̶'̶r̶̶e̶ ̶t̶̶r̶̶a̶̶i̶̶n̶̶e̶̶d̶, ̶p̶̶u̶̶t̶ ̶y̶̶o̶̶u̶̶r̶ ̶n̶̶u̶̶m̶̶b̶̶e̶̶r̶.
̶W̶̶e̶̶a̶̶r̶ ̶t̶̶h̶̶e̶ ̶w̶̶a̶̶t̶̶c̶̶h̶ ̶a̶̶n̶̶d̶ ̶n̶̶e̶̶v̶̶e̶̶r̶ ̶t̶̶a̶̶k̶̶e̶ ̶i̶̶t̶ ̶o̶̶f̶̶f̶.
̶I̶̶n̶̶t̶̶e̶̶r̶̶r̶̶u̶̶p̶̶t̶ ̶y̶̶o̶̶u̶̶r̶ ̶W̶̶a̶̶t̶̶c̶̶h̶̶e̶̶r̶ ̶d̶̶u̶̶r̶̶i̶̶n̶̶g̶ ̶a̶ ̶l̶̶e̶̶s̶̶s̶̶o̶̶n̶. 3pt.
Be around people you're not familiar with.. 5pt.
Destroy your uniform in front of everyone. 2pt.
I smirk at how ridiculous the list is. It just sounds like a child's list of challenges, but to get points for doing them makes me anxious about it. Will it progressively get worse?
Wait, how do I prove I've done these things?
"Are you okay Lynx?" Celine asks, snapping me back to reality. I look up and nod, "Yeah, sorry. I'm feeling a little dazed. Maybe I just need some good sleep."
She nods and I close my list. "It's okay, I'm just worried for you all. We've all only been here for such a little time and yet they seem to hate you."
"Who again?"
She giggles and opens her mouth to respond but is interrupted by a plate being dropped in front of me, making us both jump. I look up to see Chester smirking down at me, "Spooked you, didn't I? How come?"
"Because I didn't hear you. Don't do that, You got me all dirty," I mutter, wiping my face with a paper Celine handed me. He sighs and sets a plate beside me before following, "What, would you like to trade?"
"No thank you. Where is Jack?" I ask, not understanding the urge to have him here. As well as Bexley. Why do I want him here? Shouldn't I make him go?
"Um... Lynx?" I turn and see Jack standing awkwardly behind me, holding his plate close to his chest.
"Sit," I order, patting beside me. He nods and awkwardly takes his spot. When he gets comfortable, he waves and mumbles a quick greeting to Celine and the girls she's sitting with, then he sets my notebook in my lap and leans closer to my ear, "You left it with Bexley."
"Where did he go?"
"He wants to sit with his roommates," he says, turning to look down at his food. I nod and turn to face Celine, saying, "I love your hair, it's like a waterfall."
She smiles and runs a hand through it, "Well, thank you. Yours is beautiful too!"
I lick my lips to release the pressure of gritting my teeth, and say, "I'm thinking of cutting it."
"Really? Why?" Jack asks, jumping into the conversation. He turns pink when everyone's eyes land on him, and he mumbles, "I think it would look nice on you."
"Thank you. Didn't I tell you?" I ask, and he shakes his head. I slightly tilt my head at him. Are you sure, Jack? I'm certain I told you, or someone... right?
"Are you sure you're okay, Lynx?" Celine asks, looking me up and down with concern. I nod and mumble, "Sleepy."
I flip open the first page of my notebook and see words written not in my handwriting:
Write what you want to do and need to do. Write your plans. And write things you may forget later. Like a memory pad! I hope you feel better soon :) - Jack
I feel my face burn as I flip to the first empty page. I don't know what is making me embarrassed, maybe it's because he's sitting right beside me. Or maybe it's because I forgot he gave it to me.
Now I remember. We were making it to our second class and he had noticed I was acting funny so he asked if I was alright. I don't remember what made him know that I was forgetting things, but he gave me the notebook. I think it was his. He wrote this note in it before giving it to me with the sweetest smile.
Why did he do it?
"Hey, Lynx, we can talk later when you feel better," Celine says, laughing as if what she said was a joke. I look up from the paper and shake my head, "Just a second, I'm fine."
I flip through the page and stop at the only one with an all-caps title. Celine Micheals.
Oh, she's Micheals. Okay, what did I want to know again?
"Do you get to see your family?" I ask, bluntly. It's not one of the questions, but the others are like a rude interview. Did she want this?
She looks down and nods, "Yeah, but I can only do that when we visit the town as a group. Do you remember anything about your parents?"
Am I doing the same thing I did with Bexley?
"Oh! No to your question and my second one is, what happened in your town... to you? You seem so uncomfortable being here and all."
She breathes in shakily, "Just rumors. They love them."
"The town kids?"
"Yeah. Same with Chris. He changed a lot though, so he might be the exception," Celine says, looking between all three of us, "Did you meet him?"
I nod and look down at my paper, my heart skipping a beat when I see a question concerning Christopher. Now is the perfect time!
"Yeah we did, he introduced himself by Christopher. What... what happened to him?" I ask, false sympathy slipping into my tone. She scrunches her nose and says, "Yeah, after he went through his big change he didn't want us to call him Chris anymore, I forgot. I don't know what really happened. He used to be big in our town... everyone loved him. They followed him, listened to him. Then he started acting weird and... they didn't want to be around him."
That actually makes me sad.
Celine shrugs and looks down at her food before mumbling, "I don't know what happened. It was all just rumors."