perseverating
v. repeating or prolonging an action or thought long after the stimulus that prompted it has ceased; fixating
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"Ten hours every day? I'd rather fall on my sword."
An awkward laugh spilled from the princess's chest. "It's not so bad. I do have an affinity for learning."
"Yeah, but ten hours?" Midna repeated with more emphasis. "That's actual ass, Princess. I could handle twenty minutes max."
In the short two hours since they'd left the Yiga's canyon, Zelda decided that she quite liked Midna. Her tongue was sharp and her humor crass. Zelda envied the way she spoke without reservation. In all her life, the closest female friend Zelda had was her mother, who died when she was six. Now the clerics were the only women in her life, and she would hardly call that dynamic a friendship.
She was sad to acknowledge Midna would be parting ways when they reached the stable soon to return the Thunder Helm to Gerudo Town.
"That's why Her Highness is really smart and you're really dumb," commented Link, several paces ahead.
Zelda's stomach somersaulted at the offhand compliment.
Lover. Bedded.
"Says the guy who thought ostriches weren't birds!" Midna barked.
Link spun and threw his arms wide. "They can't fly! Birds fly!"
"No, birds have feathers and lay eggs."
"That can't be right. That would make you a bird, too."
"Terrible comeback. It doesn't even make sense." Midna picked up her pace to continue the argument beside Link.
Despite their casualness around her, and despite spending all those hours amongst the knights in the training yard, Zelda still felt entirely out of place. She was an imposter in this strange comradery between them. The way Link and Midna interacted with each other was overtly familiar, free. It wasn't hard to ascertain that they'd had a long history together.
It made Link seem a lot more human. Zelda didn't like the person she had previously established herself as around him. But he'd reminded her of all the things that she was supposed to be, and it crushed her. Link was skilled without effort; Zelda devoted over two-thirds of her life to Hylia and she still wasn't good enough for her divine birthright.
While Zelda feared and shied from protecting others' lives, Link had become a knight, jumped in after that carriage during the Blood Moon, followed her to the Yiga syndicate's secret hideout...
He was heroic. She was pathetic.
The only reprieve from the suffocating weight of her inadequacy was her booksmarts. But Link was streetwise, and outside of the castle—out in the real world where it actually mattered—her knowledge didn't hold a candle to his. She'd screamed out their location to monsters, cowered near apple trees, wasted a life-saving resource, trusted a group of kidnappers despite being advised against it...
The only thing she liked about herself had lost its worth, too.
Worst of all, Link undermined all her frustration by being so damned jovial about it. Hating someone who hates you back was a warranted defense. But lashing out against someone who's only trying to do their job is just plain priggish.
"Princess!" Link whipped around, startling her from her thoughts. "Are cucumbers fruits or vegetables?"
"What?" Her mind caught up before he could repeat the question. "A cucumber is a fruit."
"No way!" Midna balked. "How the hell is a cucumber a fruit!?"
Both knights stopped and looked expectantly at her. The red and blue were so vibrant together, and the intensity of their stares made Zelda suddenly self-conscious. "W-well... it comes from the flowering part of the plant. And it has seeds to germinate a new plant."
"Hear that, Midna?" Link wriggled his eyebrows childishly.
"But bananas don't have seeds."
Somewhere beneath her ribs, Zelda knew she wasn't being asked, but she couldn't help it. "The ripened ovary is the superset of the seeds, so the lack thereof is not otherwise a disqualifier. It's because banana trees are triploids, meaning they have three times the chromosomes, despite pollination occurring as normal."
Midna gaped as if the princess had grown a third arm. Link wielded a proud, shit-eating grin that made Zelda's stomach somersault again before he turned it on Midna. "I told you so!"
"Oh, come on!" she wailed. "You didn't understand any of that gobbledygook."
You know I don't understand any of that plant mumbo jumbo.
Oblivious to the lead in Zelda's gut, Link and Midna continued walking. "Doesn't matter, smartass. I know it was on my side."
The princess bit down on her cheek and decidedly let herself lag a few paces behind.
As the canyon warped around them, the stable came into view up ahead. Zelda's feet suddenly felt as leaden as her gut. In another few minutes, Midna would bid them farewell and Zelda would be alone with Link again. After which they would get on horseback and travel northeast at a pace much quicker than foot. It was a dangerous line of thinking because it led her thoughts right back to what she would be facing when she returned to Hyrule Castle, and her whole body started to feel like it was being wrung out by one of her freakishly strong chambermaids.
Link's proposal to instead venture to Kakariko came to mind next, but that option made her no less anxious. What would Father say when she returned empty-handed after shirking her divine duty to hunt for a mythical flower?
The king had sent her off to worship at the Spring of Wisdom, and a filial pious child would have prioritized that plan above all else. But Zelda knew her religious piety was just as tenuous, and Hylia would remain silent as always. She could only handle Goddess's dismissal so many more times before she broke entirely.
"What is it, Your Highness?" Midna asked, falling into step with the princess after being beckoned. Link maintained his course.
"Midna, tell me honestly." Zelda kept her voice low. "Is Link fit to escort me back to the castle?"
A reassuring smile revealed Midna's one white, lupinelike fang. "Of course he is. You fixed him up good, remember?"
Not the answer Zelda wanted. She nodded dumbly, subconsciously creating a bigger gap between her and the sandy-blond knight at the lead. A puzzled crease came between Midna's fiery brows and she slowed too. "Unless... that's not what you meant?"
Lover. Bedded.
"You really don't need to be worried about Link, Princess," Midna assured before Zelda could deny it. "I was just pushing his buttons earlier. He wouldn't try anything. He's a really good guy."
Zelda's feet stuttered and her voice followed suit. "Th-that's not what I was asking!" She waved her hands frantically as if it would scatter the words lover and bedded from buzzing around her like a swarm of gnats.
Midna stopped fully and the puzzled crease deepened. "Then what did you mean?"
With a deep breath, Zelda reset herself. "Midna, I would prefer it if you escorted me back to the castle. Despite your assurance, I do not believe Link has fully recovered, so returning Thunder Helm to the Gerudo is a task better suited for him. More importantly, I... prefer your company over his."
A look of pleasant surprise bloomed on the redhead's face. "Stop, really? Oh man, I am so gonna hold this over him!"
"W-wait— that's not—"
"However, that won't work, Princess."
She wavered. "Why not?"
"With all due respect Your Highness, the Gerudo are an all-women race. Link wouldn't be allowed to set foot within the town, let alone meet with the chieftain. Not to mention, these are my people. It's important to me that I take the heirloom back myself."
"A race composed entirely of women?" Zelda asked, interest piqued. "That's fascinating, how does that work exactly?"
"Uh, sorry," Midna said with an apologetic scratch on the back of her neck. "I'm not really an expert on the sciency stuff. I just know that's how it is. Been that way for as long as I can remember."
"Well, if you're from Gerudo, how did you end up as a knight in the Hylian army?"
"That's a great question. I'm sure Link can tell you all about it on your way back to the castle."
When Zelda didn't respond, Midna placed a hand on her shoulder and winked. "If he lays a finger on you, I'll castrate him myself." Then she released the princess and continued walking, shoulders confident and squared. "And like I said, he won't try anything."
Zelda's brows knit together, wondering if she meant something more by that. "Hold on... are you two...?"
Midna guffawed, loud and hysterical, as if her gut was a cannon and she could fire a cannonball from it. "Oh, Hylia, no! No, no Link is like a brother to me. Just ask him, seriously, it'll give you something to talk about."
Zelda wasn't so sure she wanted to talk about it.
But they reached the stable anyway, where the knights reclaimed their horses they had brought there and Zelda was given their gentlest steed, a white stallion named Storm.
Midna pulled Link into a drawn-out goodbye hug, where she passed along a quiet message that had them both casting a subtle, sidelong glance at the princess, before Midna pulled away and bowed deeply to her.
"I will see you back at the castle, Your Highness." The red of her eyes flashed like fire when she stood again. "You're not in this fight alone. We're all right behind you."
Zelda felt the contrarian green of her own eyes wobble. She thought she might want a hug too, but she didn't know how to ask before Midna departed.
If Link was an envelope and Zelda was the letter inside, Midna was the wax that kept her safely sealed. Without her, a gust of wind is all it would take to blow everything apart. But letters were written to be delivered, wax seal or not.
When Zelda confirmed Hyrule Castle was their destination, the hopeful look on Link's face was carefully replaced with stoic acquiescence.
At first, he kept his horse—a mare named Catherine—at a trot beside Zelda's, but she got nervous and slowed Storm to a walk. Then Link slowed too. So she sped back up to a trot. He did the same. When he matched her slowed pace a second time, he laughed awkwardly, brows twitching in confusion. "Is he giving you trouble?" he asked. "You can try—"
"No," Zelda said tightly, eyes averted. "We're fine." When Link didn't reply, she chanced a glance at him, and he was obviously unconvinced.
He cleared his throat. "Um..." He hesitated. "Midna had mentioned that you..." He trailed off. So she granted him a guarded appraisal, a command to continue.
"She said that you're feeling... off. Is there... something I can do? To help?"
"Yes," she replied, to which he perked a little. "My stallion seems to behave better when following yours. Why don't you take the lead?"
His lips thinned into a straight line. It wasn't the answer he was hoping for. "Sure."
It was too much trouble to hold a conversation this way, so they carried on in silence. That didn't stop Link from glancing over his shoulder every minute or so. Every time he did, the princess ignored him. That beseeching blue of his eyes had gained a gravity to them that she feared. Like a wormhole that would drag her into a suffocating nothingness if she stared for too long.
Oh, but the silence that blanketed them was far more agonizing than the silence from when they had first paired up. Before, Zelda had assumed Link's silent looks were scrutinizing, spiteful. She'd grown accustomed to the critical eyes that followed her down corridors and the whispers that passed behind the backs of hands. She may not have liked it, but they say the devil you know is better than the devil you don't.
Now, in the recurring instances Link looked to confirm she was still trailing him, she couldn't help but feel like it was an appraisal.
Lover. Bedded. The words wouldn't stop bouncing around in her head. How often did they bounce around in his? Were they echoing in there now when he looked at her?
I've never seen you so red, Link!
Mido would never think of her so lewdly. He was a gentleman.
Still, Zelda couldn't help but wonder how often the thought went through his head. Surely it crossed his mind; he was her beau, after all.
Her gut did its weird acrobatics act again. It didn't feel like a good thing.
Around her, the sandy canyon gave way to grasslands spackled with forest groves but Zelda hardly noticed.
Link drew his windcleaver long before the smell of death stung her nose. In the distance, wisps of black and magenta rose from the grass. The ground ahead was littered with malice between the trees, like rain puddles after a thunderstorm, and Link brought his horse to a halt before them.
"What is all..." Zelda tried to ask, horrified. But the smell was suffocating, pushing down into her open mouth and sitting like rot on her tongue. It brought back flashes of the woman she couldn't save in the amphitheater. Her head started singing like every temple bell Hylia had ever ignored decided to start ringing at once. Zelda slammed her eyes shut, trying to prevent at least one of her senses from turning against her, but it alarmed Link.
"Princess, open your eyes." His voice was stern. "You can't afford to move through this field blindly, you hafta watch your step—"
"I know!" she barked, dropping the reins and clapping her hands over her ears. "Just—!" Her throat clamped shut, the death and decay demanding her full concentration to ward it off.
She had to be rational about this. Maybe if she could rationalize the situation, she could handle it.
The malice would only hurt them if they touched it. And even if they did touch it, it seemed there was a small window of opportunity where it could be brushed off, as Mido had done in the amphitheater. Contact was, at the very least, not an immediate death sentence.
But, it was her fault it was here at all. She should have her divine power to wipe this land clean—
Her hands swept back to her eyes, catching the moisture there.
It was her fault that that woman was dead.
Failurefailurefailurefailurefailure
It was her fault—
Stone floors biting with cold. The same cold gripping her heart.
Blankets rising and falling, void of rhythm.
Papa's smile. It'd been so long since Papa smiled.
"You can save her, Zelda."
If only she had been good enough, Mama would've smiled too.
But the funeral bells weep in her head for days.
"Please Papa, I don't want to try again!"
"It will continue to kill if you don't. Do you want me to die, too?"
Blankets still. Hollow eyes. Little fists.
How can Hylia understand the incoherent prayers that follow?
Maybe the Goddess measures devotion in tears.
Would her power awaken when her tears pooled enough to fill Lake Hylia?
Failure. Failure. Failure.
The stench that clung to her mother's curtains became the backdrop of her nightmares. And that same smell plagued her senses now. Zelda's shirt felt too tight; the collar was choking her now, too. The princess's breast heaved as unsteadily as Mama's blankets. Despite this, the sound of metal being resheathed and fabric sliding against the leather saddle somehow came through the clangorous bells.
When Link spoke, his voice was beside her. "On second thought, keep them closed..."
Zelda felt the reins slither off her lap and a moment later her horse started forward. She didn't have the capacity to worry about their path—her lungs were already consumed with panic.
"Hey, Princess?" Link's voice came through a little clearer. Zelda dipped her head, still buried in her hands, to indicate she could hear. "Let's breathe. Breathe in while I count to four. One... two..."
Zelda tried, but the air was thick with the odor of her failures, and her lungs only hiccuped to half capacity.
"Now out," Link said. "One... two... three..."
Expelling the putrid air was easier. It gave her better control for the next inhale, and the subsequent breaths Link counted out. Gradually, his voice completely removed the ringing in her head.
"We're almost through, Your Highness, just keep breathing."
Before long, or perhaps an eternity later, Zelda finally cracked an eye through her fingers. The sea of scattered malice surrounding them threatened to drown her again.
"Hey— hey. Keep breathing. The path is wide, we're gonna be fine."
That's right. So long as they followed the grass, they would be fine. And no one's life was relying on her eradicating the satanic substance here. Avoiding it was enough.
"You're doing great," Link assured after some time. He had their horses' reins in either hand, guiding them around the massive puddles of magenta.
Although her body was still trembling, Zelda had regained her voice, as well as some clarity. "How did you know that I needed that?"
Link met her eyes before looking away again. "I didn't. But my sister used to freak out the same way over birds. Getting her to focus on her breathing always helped."
"Birds?"
"Yeah. When she was three, this huge Kargarok grabbed her by the shirt and dragged her a good distance before we could stop it. She was terrified of birds for years."
"That's awful."
Link nodded. "It took a lot of work, but she was able to get over it by helping out with the cuccos more and more as she got older. She actually ended up really liking the seagulls at the beach when we visited."
He sighed, but without seeing his face, Zelda wasn't sure what emotion it carried. The princess stroked her mare's mane idly. It was weird to remember other people had a personal history as extensive and complicated as her own. "I didn't know you had a family."
"Everyone has a family," Link replied rather matter-of-factly. "You've just never bothered to ask about them before."
Although his tone wasn't accusatory, it upset Zelda anyway—maybe because her emotional guard was already shredded raw. By the same token, she was too drained to argue, so she settled into the saddle and let him lead their horses for several more quiet minutes.
Until, abruptly, he stopped. "Um, Your Highness?"
The thought of resuming a conversation was still too exhausting. "Forgive me, Link, I really can't—"
"I know, I know this isn't a good time"—he was tense—"but I need you to be really brave right now."
She immediately felt the exact opposite. "Why? What is it?"
"There's something in the trees ahead. You need to take the reins back so I can take care of it."
"I-I can't—" she protested, even as she did so.
"Yes, you can." He flashed a quick smile, as if that would slow her heart rate down. "Just keep following the grass, I'll be right behind you once I—"
And then it hit him.
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Hi! Happy Thanksgiving, if you celebrate!
I love hearing your comments if you feel inclined to share your thoughts, even if there's chapters ahead of this one <3