RULE 34: DO NOT USE YOUR CIRCUS TALENTS OUTSIDE OF WORKING HOURS.
✷ C H A P T E R T W E N T Y - T W O ✷
"Quite the welcome," Malakai said as he guided me toward the den.
Hana and Rowan, after their brief yet heated discussion, decided to attend to some pack business out of reach of prying ears. Malakai had tried to follow along with his sister, but she tasked him with showing me around the den, not that there was much to show, according to him.
Standing so close to Malakai, I couldn't help but notice how tall he was. I, myself, was not short, but standing next to him felt like standing next to a skyscraper. His dark-colored hair poked past his ears, and similarly to Hana, he had attempted to tie some of his hair in a tiny bun, but most of his hair had escaped the twine's clutches with the whistling wind pounding against every inch of our bodies.
"The den," Malakai cleared his throat. "Has been the home for Yukinawa members for over seven hundred years, and I assure you, you won't be surprised by that fact when you see everything the den has to offer."
"May I ask, why haven't you built a pack house or a cluster of homes nearby?" I asked, pressing my fingers into the base of my palm. The question had been on the tip of my tongue; I had been curious, but I still felt like a fish out of water. Had my question been too intrusive? From Malakai's relaxed expression, I concluded he did not mind my prying.
"Yukinawa is a pack built on ancient traditions. We hunt for our food, live in a den, and spend more time in our fur pelts than our human form," he described, the snow crunching underneath our feet.
"But you have not modernized in over seven hundred years?"
Malakai laughed. "We have tried, or so it was written on the den walls. But change and modernization does not bode well for our pack. We do not force our pack members to live this way. They can leave at any time. We all chose this life, and I hope you'll begin to see why after staying with us for some time." He advanced a couple paces ahead before walking backward in the snow. "I hope my sister did not scare you. I've heard of many people living through and overcoming a repressed wolf despite what Hana may have told you. While we've never seen a repressed wolf resurface back to their human form, I'm fairly certain it has been done before. Hana just tends to over-worry sometimes."
Looking at the ground as I stomped through the snow, I said, "I don't blame her. Rowan wasn't exactly forthcoming with information, apparently. I mean, before Alpha Hana said anything, I didn't know it could be... I didn't know it could be fatal."
"That's Rowan for you." Malakai shook his head. "He's... he likes to keep to himself, and I'm sure after earning the Alpha title, he's got more set in his ways. But I'm truly sorry you had to learn about it that way. On a lighter note, though, please don't call my sister by her Alpha title."
"But—"
"It will go to her head," he responded. "And I'll have to hear about it for years to come. Everyone just calls her Hana. The pack respects her, so there's not much need for the official title."
"I thought your pack was steeped in tradition," I wondered aloud. "Shouldn't you stick to the rules?"
If Yukinawa was anything like Miss Nymphadora's Three-Ring Circus, then sticking to the rules was a vital part of survival. I was surprised to learn that the pack did not seem so hellbent on abiding by their traditions.
"Some rules are meant to be broken."
Before silence could fall upon us, I rolled my shoulders back and changed the subject. "It seems like you know Rowan well."
He shrugged his shoulders. "He stayed with us for a couple of years back when he was first bitten. His brother dropped him off one day, and he never returned for Rowan—or he never returned willingly."
"I didn't know," I whispered, not knowing Rowan had been in a similar situation as me: abandoned by his family. My heart thumped in my chest, imagining a younger Rowan being left behind here. Despite this mental image, though, it seemed Rowan was able to make a nice life for himself and claim the title of Alpha.
"It's not as bad as I make it out," he revealed with a coy grin as he tilted his head to the side. Malakai's hair had come completely loose from its hold, and some strands of his hair obscured his face as he said, "I mean, it is bad, but his brother didn't just up and abandon him. But I don't think that's my story to tell."
I understood. While Malakai had witnessed this part of Rowan's life, like he said, it was not his experience to share. Still curious, though, I asked, "Is his broth—"
Before I could finish my question, Malakai jumped in place as we arrived at the base of the mountain. Below a decrepit row of tree branches, a small opening between the rocks of the mountains formed. A well-worn footpath had been carved by ways of the constant foot traffic over the snow, so compact only a few footprints were visible.
Waving his hands in the air, Malakai announced, "Welcome to the den."
Pushing the overhanging limb to the side, Malakai motioned for me to enter. Once inside the den and away from the bitter cold, I rubbed my hands together and pulled my arms tighter around myself as I tried to warm my body up. The den was exactly as I had expected it would be, especially after Malakai explained Yukinawa's strong ties to the past.
The den was a standard cave. It was vast, and I could not see the end of the cave in sight. From the large campfire burning in the middle of the cave, I could spot a few writings sketched in rock on the surrounding mountainous walls. Unfortunately, even with the blazing fire, the temperature inside the den was still chilly.
Scattered all throughout the cold, rock floor, countless pillows were laid over the ground. A couple of stuffed animals congregated around some of the smaller pillows, and as we stalked closer to the campfire, we had to be sure not to step on any of these obstacles.
As we trekked further into the den, the temperature finally began to rise as many wandering eyes trailed our every move. I was sure they were curious, but a shiver ran down my spine at the prospect of not only being closely watched but also closely listened to.
"Is this your entire pack?" I asked, tucking my hair behind my ear once I drew close to the fire. The fire blasted a warmth on my face, and I thought I might never want to leave this spot.
"No," Malakai stated. "Our pack is on the smaller side, but it's not this small. Most of our able-bodied wolves are out catching some dinner for our feast tonight."
"Feast?"
"For your arrival," he chirped, leaning over the side of the fire to add another log to the flames.
"Oh, that's not necessary—"
"It's tradition when someone new arrives—or when someone old returns," he explained, standing upright after letting the log sink into the fire. As he stretched upright, his mind went blank, and he muttered, "Oh shit."
"What?"
Malakai scratched his head lazily. "I'm supposed to watch some of the little wolves, but—"
"Go," I said, tilting my head toward the exit of the den. "I could use the time to settle in."
"Are you sure?" He asked, skeptically. I nodded my head, but he didn't look convinced. Nevertheless, he said, "Well, okay, here is a space we've laid out for you."
He tugged me along further into the cave. As we walked further away from the fire, I could still feel the warmth of the flames on my skin, but the abrupt temperature change caused goosebumps to line my arm.
Malakai stopped right in front of one of the den's back walls, which was lined with even more ancient chalk drawings. I had no time to marvel at the sketches before Malakai shrunk into himself as he motioned to the space around our feet. "I'll see if one of our pack members will be able to collect enough bird feathers to make you and Rowan a pillow. I know it's not much, but I can assure you it's much more comfortable when you're fully shifted."
"Oh."
I looked down at my feet, at the cold, hard floor, and I gulped. I couldn't imagine myself sleeping on the floor—not because it wouldn't be comfortable, but because I would have to shift into my wolf. While I had been overwhelmed by Yukinawa, the weight of what my life had turned into didn't fully dawn until now.
My mouth went dry, and the walls began to give in. I took a step backward as my breathing increased. Where was the exit? How the hell do I get out of this place?
Breaking me from my thoughts, Malakai cursed, "Shit. You can shift, right?"
"Yeah," I choked. "I can."
Malakai looked wary as he apologized. "I'm sorry, but I've really got to go before something bad happens with the pups. The last time I was away too long, one of them almost bit another one's ear off. "
"Go," I whispered as Malakai did not hesitate to set his sights on the exit. As Malakai marched away, I said, "Thanks, Malakai."
Left to my own devices, I loitered in the spot Malakai had guided me to. I could still feel everyone's eyes on me, and I did not blame them. Whenever someone new entered the circus and became a part of our bonded family, sights were on the new person. It had happened when I joined, and I watched it happen when each subsequent member joined the circus after my arrival.
Thinking of Gray and Julia and their arrival to the circus, I closed my eyes, scrunching my face in pain. I wondered what they were up to. Had Julia's performance gone well? Was Gray settling into circus life? Did they miss me?
I sure missed them, and the thought that maybe they were better off without me made my stomach lurch. Suddenly, it felt like the expansive den walls were shrinking, and in a haze, I stumbled through the maze of pillows to resurface from the den. Once outside, partially blinded by the sunlight, I stumbled over to a nearby congregation of trees.
Leaning over, I used the rough tree bark for support and panted. No longer able to withhold all my emotions, tears streamed down my face as I slunk to the snowy floor. The snow was cold on my bare arms, but I didn't shiver. I was too stunned.
I missed my life, and I missed my family—even if the feeling wasn't mutual. I wished I was in a place where I didn't have to shift to survive, and I wished I hadn't learned how important it would be to reconnect with my wolf.
Hana had said it could be fatal.
I could die.
Part of me was mad. I had been raised to think of my werewolf abilities as a means to an end. Miss Nymphadora had been stern about that fact growing up. She did not hide her distaste for the supernatural—the supernatural who were not under her control. She had sculpted me into the person she wanted me to be, and now I was going to pay the price, possibly with my life.
Choking on a sob, I wrapped my arms around my knees and nuzzled my face into my lap. I couldn't tell if Yukinawa was going to be a turning point for me, but I couldn't help but feel pessimistic. I didn't want to be here. I didn't belong. But I had nowhere else to go.
Unless... Unless I took Sage up on her offer. She had given me the burner phone for a reason. With one quick phone call to Herby, I could be on my way back to Nightfall.
My hand hovered over my pocket, where the phone rested, but I hesitated. Rowan would be disappointed in me, and I knew I shouldn't care what he thought, but I did. And I hated myself for it. I hated myself because I was letting someone else dictate the course of my life.
But what else could I do?
"Olive," Rowan's voice emerged from behind me in almost a whisper.
I didn't respond, pulling my arms tighter around myself. I didn't want to talk about the flood of emotions overwhelming me, and I especially didn't want to talk about it with Rowan.
"The first day is always the worst," he continued, his footsteps sloshing through the snow. "But it does get better. I promise."
Exhaling, I said, "I'm fine."
"Olive."
"I'm fine," I repeated, still not looking up. "I just needed a moment by myself."
Taking a seat by my side, Rowan responded, "I know this is a lot to take in."
"That's the understatement of the year," I murmured before turning my head to the side, looking at Rowan as I said, "But is what Hana said true? I could—"
"You're not going to die, Olive," Rowan gruffed, his breath visible in a plume of smoke.
"But I could?"
"I won't let it happen."
"Why didn't you say anything?" I asked, watching as his eyes hardened.
"Because it's not going to happen," he sighed, looking off in the distance. "Hana has not been Alpha very long. She's been given many lessons from past Alphas of Yukinawa, but she has not learned many of those lessons on her own. I don't hold it against her; she is one of the strongest Alphas both mentally and physically that I know, but it just means that she still has a lot to learn."
"And you have it all figured out?"
"No, that's not what I'm saying." He shook his head. "But I know when I don't have all the answers."
Clearing my throat, I asked, "How long do you think we'll have to be here?"
"As long as it takes," Rowan announced. "But I wouldn't expect us to leave before the snow has melted."