•• :Sarah's Story:••
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I wake up feeling disoriented and nauseous. Aching all over like I've been hit by a bus. My eyes sting and my nose is slightly runny. My head is throbbing like I've been drinking all night. It hurts to move..
The last thing I remember was hitting my bed, my nose burned from hitting the pillow a little too hard but everything after that is black. I do however remember my unfortunate nightmare that is more of a recurring memory that haunts my sleep here and there, one of many. They aren't usually an exact situation that happened but something similar, almost always more intense and makes me want to never close my eyes again.
I'm frequently awoken by Aria or my mother almost always accompanied by crying Haley because I was screaming and woke them up. Sometimes I envy my youngest sister because she won't ever know what it's like to grow up the way Aria and I did. Although Aria only experienced a sliver of it. I got the worst of it, my father lived to torture me. I just wish I could forget it all.
I stand from my bed, slowly. Worried I may pass out. Something falls from the bed side and hits the ground with a rattly thud. Seeing it's my pill bottle I sink to my knees and reach under the bed to snatch it up and pop the cap off, almost feeling my heart drop when I see there's only a tablet and a half left. Panicking not only because I took too much but also because it's almost gone. This little bit won't give me much of a high at all.
Something red catches my eye and I stick my hand under the bed, wrapping my fingers around the cold hard object as I pull it out. My brows pinching together as I stare at a syringe with a thick red bank wrapped around the middle. What is this and where did it come from? I don't shoot up, I never have. It's my last moral left.
I twist it around in my hand, wondering if I gotten so bad that I used it for something and don't remember through my high.
How did I not overdose? I must have been on the brink of it and that's why I feel this shitty. I've come close before but I've never felt this horrible.
Suddenly I become aware again of it all. Reality hitting not only my mind but my stomach as well.
The door flies open behind me as I run down the hallway, sliding on my knees as I start harshly gagging into the toilet. Nothing but saliva and bile coming up. I have nothing in my stomach.
A bitter taste lingers on my tongue as I swish with some water and wipe my mouth. My throat burning as I try to catch my breath. "Lily?" I hear my name called before the bathroom door creaks open and Aria steps around it, her brows drawn together worriedly as she eyes me up and down, almost suspiciously. I take notice of her earphones, one in her ear while the other hangs down. The white cords patched up with duct tape.
"I'm fine" I tell her, leaning against the sink, shifting my weight back and forth from arm to arm. I don't want her getting skeptical again. She doesn't know what I've been doing lately but she knows what I've done before and that's enough to raise questions in why I'm vomiting my guts out right now.
"Are y-"
"Hungover" I immediately cut her off. She isn't stupid, she wouldn't buy much less if she buys that at all. "I'm hungover" I tell her. Her eyes sweeping me up and down again, shifting from the toilet then back to me. Scanning my face for a moment before she gives me a slight nod. With that she shuts the door behind her and leaves.
Aria is quiet, she always knows more than you think she does. I think her absence in social interaction is only a cover for her skills in taking in every detail and stringing it together until she's solely formed the truth. I don't think she does it on purpose but she does. Shes like a human lie detector if you're unlucky enough to find yourself in the center of her attention. If she simply doesn't care she won't blink an eye at it. But when she does, you better hope you can lie and make it believable.
She has friends, she could have more if she wanted to but she keeps to her circle and I relate to that. I was always social, overly social even, until the accident then I found it hard to talk to anyone at all. Even people I had known my whole life. I wouldn't call it shy, I was never shy and I wouldn't say I am now. I'd say it was more along the lines of feeling defeated. I'd lost my best friends, I didn't see the point in trying to make new ones so I didn't bother. I almost felt selfish for even trying, even a simple interaction made me feel like I was betraying them. Until JJ and then the pogues, I think I slowly started healing in some little way. But the rest of me is still bloody and wounded and on the edge of being physically nauseous at all times. It never stops and that's why the risks of using drugs are blurred in my eyes. I don't care what they can do I only care what they do do and what they do is take the pain away..at least for a little while.
I envy her sometimes, Aria. Not in a hatful way. She's my sister, I'd never hate her but sometimes I'm jealous that she gets to be that age and have that simple beginning of teenage life and get to live it with no pain.
Sure she has pain; we all do in our own ways but she isn't carrying around what I did, what I do. She's only fourteen, she has so much more room to mess up before she's screwed. I may be only seventeen but I've already fucked myself over in more ways than one. Aria is the kind of pogue who will make it out of the cut but me? I'm the kind that's stuck here, no matter how hard I try it's just embedded into me and I'll never get away. I've already ensured that with my drug use.
I'm tangled in it's webs and there's no escape.
I remember Sarah telling me that her mother was that way.
Her mother was a pogue through and through and no matter how hard Ward try to pull her away from it and turn her into a kook he just couldn't. No matter how hard he tried he couldn't take the pogue out of her and it got the best of her.
She wasn't all that different from me, even though I never met or knew her. I've only heard what Sarah's told me and that is that we're more similar than I'd assume.
She was heavy into drugs before she met Ward when they were nineteen. I guess she'd sobered up and hadn't been using for years. They traveled, got married, moved to figure eight had three kids. But after Wheezie was born she started again. Blamed it on postpartum depression but who knows if that was the real reason.
Ward was too busy with his business and kids to notice how bad she'd gotten. I don't know what she used, I'm not even sure Sarah does but whatever it was wasn't something a doctor gave her. Or if it was she was abusing it.
She overdosed, not on purpose. Ward never believed she was trying to kill herself, and according to the police it didn't look that way either....from the syringe found to the bruise on and elastic tied around her arm..she just went too far.
Sarah was only nine..which means Rafe was twelve or so and poor Wheezie was just six.
Sarah's story was brief but it was enough to make my insides curl when she told me, not only because I felt absolutely horrible for her but also because her mothers teenage self was equivalent to me.
I always say I'll stop but I'm sure she did too. She went years without it and it still pulled her back under. I'm terrified I won't be able to stop but I'm in too much pain to try.
Eggshells is what I'll be walking on. Rafe hasn't gone through with what he said. If he hasn't forgotten he's just too occupied with something else right now but I'm sure it won't take long before he remembers and gets an itch to come after me.
I shove my phone into my pocket before pulling on my black hoodie.
"I'll be back later" I tell Aria, pushing her door cracked open. Not waiting for a response before heading off.
I need to figure this out. Figure out how I'm going to get this money.
I take the route through the woods rather than walking down the street through the neighborhood and risk running into Rafe. Sometimes if I'm feeling like it I'll walk down the beach and into town that way since I live so close to it.
It isn't like the beach on figure eight but it's a beach..More tweakers than rich bikini wearing teenagers but it's something.
I wouldn't necessarily choose the woods as my path to town on regular day being that I've run into some raunchy looking people but today I'm less afraid of them and more afraid of Rafe.
It's raining by the time I reach where I'm going, I keep my hood pulled around my face, hopeful that if anyone with bad intentions sees me they may mistake me for a man if they can't see my face. Although I doubt my body is convincing enough.
I make my way up the steps, my nose already burning with the strong scent of cigarette smoke and weed.
The door is shut, but his bike is chained up to the side.
I knock twice, sticking my hands back in my pockets before they freeze. It's been odd weather for summer, I'm only hoping it warms up soon.
Rain isn't very summery..
A few minutes pass before the door swings open and I step aside. Feeling anxious but not worried. Not worried I'm unsafe, he wouldn't hurt me.
"I was wondering when I'd see you again" he says, his expression perking up when he sees it's me. He leans against the door, shaking his head with a grin as if he knew it would be soon. "Barry" I say clearing my throat, already beginning to ring my fingers together nervously. "Well what is it then?" He asks. "I uhm..I need some..help" I tell him truthfully watching his eye narrow like he's thinking before he shakes his head again, on the verge of laughing. What's funny?
"Ah..haven't paid back country club yet have you? Don't think I haven't heard about it now" he tells me making my stomach turn. Of course he has, Rafe would tell him. They're practically in business together. I only stopped buying from Barry and started buying from Rafe because it was a different..system..it fit my needs at the moment more.
Barry doesn't really sell for you to turn around and sell it and pay him back after. He doesn't like to dabble in that he usually only sells for personal use and he wants the money right then. Rafe however did. If you were going to sell it and make the money back you could pay later, and that's what's got me into this mess.
Because I didn't sell as much as I owed. What I did sell I used for bills to help my mom and what wasn't sold..I used.
"I'm working on it..that's why I'm here actually I was thinking if you could loan me something..anything I could sell it and use it to pay him back and I could pay you back later" I tell him. Explaining the only option I can think of.
He keeps his eyes narrowed and his arms crossed as he listens, his eyes occasionally leaving mine and looking past me like he's thinking. I stand anxiously, hoping he'll agree. "You know I'd like to help you Lily and as genuine as I know you're being about paying it back, we both know you can't do that and I'm not in a position to lose out on money" he tells me making my stomach fall even though I do understand what he's saying.
I only nod, looking down and twisting my fingers together. "He'll come after me" I tell him.
"I'm surprised he hasn't already" he says only adding to the fear I already have brewing.
"I'll figure it out, thanks Barry" I give him a faint smile before turning and heading off down the steps. "Lily" he calls after me and I turn around.
"Don't get yourself hurt trying to hide from him"
Hey guys! How are you liking it so far? I have so much planned for this so I'm so excited! I home we get more readers on this story cus I think it's going to be really good once there's more to it! Hope you're enjoying💗