Jin's POV
It's dark, the clouds pouring rain.
I step out of the shower, drying my hair lazily with a towel.
It's late, nearly midnight. The others decided to go out for a drink. Said they wanted to live up not having to work tomorrow.
Li was asleep on the couch, carried to bed by Namjoon, and I decided to stay. For whatever reason, drinking didn't sound as appealing as it usually does. The warm burn of liquor down my throat didn't feel needed when a different warmth was occupying the walls of this house, tucked into her bed with pink cheeks and flushed features.
A loud clap of thunder sounds, and I glance at my bedroom door. It's slightly ajar, and I tell myself it's a normality, but it's not; I know that. It's open in case the warmth tucked away in her bed needs something.
In case she needs me.
I finish drying my hair and toss the towel over the rack on the way to my dresser.
I'm pulling on a white T-shirt, thinking about my schedule for tomorrow when my actions halt. I squint as I listen, my eyes flitting toward my door.
It's quiet, the rain falling against the house the only sound.
I'm still for a moment, listening, but upon hearing nothing, I resume tidying up.
A few minutes pass of this before a similar noise sounds once more. This time, I walk to my door. Grabbing the knob, I pull back and step into the hallway. I've barely stepped out when the reason for the sound appears at the end of the hall.
Eyes full of tears and the rim of her T-shirt caught between her teeth, soaked with her nervous gnawing, she stands, tugging at the hem as pitiful whimpers leave her lips.
My brows knit together at the sight, a sharp pang clawing at my chest as her big eyes meet mine.
Her breath hitches in her throat, and my name leaves her in a timid whisper.
I say her name in response. Slowly, carefully.
She perks up slightly, shifting in place.
I watch her for a moment, taking in her current state before asking, "What's going on?"
When the next clap of thunder sounds louder than the last, I don't need a response. She jumps, her eyes widening in fear, and she's running; she's running straight to me.
I barely have time to catch her, her body shaking and trembling as it slams into mine. Her hands grasp weakly onto my shirt, whimpers and sharp shudders leaving her with every breath.
I hold the back of her head, my own heart rate elevating at the sight of her tears—at the sound of her choked sobs as she tries to keep them quiet.
"I don't feel good," she stammers.
I hesitate, unsure, but my hands seem to work before I do, lowering to rub her back.
"What's wrong?" I prompt softly.
She noses at my shirt, sniffling as she clings to me. "I don't know."
"You don't know?"
"Yeah, it's just...I feel dizzy, and the thunder's really loud, and my head hurts."
A frown tugs at my lips. "Your head hurts?"
She hiccups. "Yeah."
I lean back, peering down into her face. She looks up at me, brown eyes cascading tears, and I tilt her chin up, examining her features and how hard it is for her to catch her breath.
"Did the thunder wake you up?"
"It woke me up," she confirms quietly as if she's ashamed of the fact. "I can't go back to sleep."
Threading my fingers through her hair, I take note of how she sways slightly, her eyes unfocused as she does.
I place the back of my hand on her forehead, my frown deepening at the heat radiating from it.
I exhale shortly. "You're burning up."
I lift her up, and it's instantaneous how her legs wrap around me, loathe to let me go. She buries her face in my neck, shuddering in my arms with every troubled inhale.
"Hold on," I murmur.
She holds on tightly as I carry her downstairs, her sniffles getting lost in my neck.
When I enter the kitchen, I pat her back lightly, absently tracing circles into it while I walk to the cabinet. I rummage around for Tylenol and a glass for water, grabbing one and setting it on the counter.
When I can feel her tears staining my neck, I hurriedly open the Tylenol, trying to ignore the stifling concern that's rippling through me.
As I'm twisting the cap off the Tylenol, a flash of lightning sketches itself into the walls, illuminating our surroundings.
She stiffens, and immediately, her hands fly to her ears.
I hold her tighter, nudging my chin against the side of her head.
"Breathe," I remind her, my voice low. "Just hold onto me."
"It'll be loud," she stresses. "It'll hurt my head."
"I know, Li, but you still need to breathe."
She tries, I can tell by the sporadic breaths she's taking, but when the thunder arrives, so do her quiet sobs and sharp inhales.
"I know," I soothe. "That must've been loud."
She manages a nod. "It was."
"Shh, I know. Come on. Lift your face for me."
"I can't."
"You can."
"Please don't—" She sighs tremulously, sounding discouraged. "Please don't be mad at me. I just don't feel good."
"I'm not mad at you. It's okay."
I fill the glass with water, letting the Tylenol rest in my palm.
Her fingers twitch with interest. "What's that?"
"Lift your face and see."
She doesn't, not at first, but she must be aching for relief because she does, her eyes flooding with said relief at the sight of the white pills.
"It'll make me feel better?" she asks hopefully.
"It should, Li, now open your mouth."
She clutches where my shirt meets my shoulders, parting her lips for the water. I carefully bring the glass to them, watching her swallow the pills and the water.
"There you go," I murmur. "Just like that."
I take her back to my room, setting her on my bed and watching her stare up at me, her eyes big as she fiddles with her fingers. They glisten with tears, her body twitching in nervous anticipation for the thunder, and she's looking at me as if I'll protect her from it; as if I'll make it better.
An unfamiliar feeling passes through me. It shoots through me, almost stabbing my chest. There's an undeniable need to keep her safe, to relieve her pain; to keep her close until her tears are gone and she's smiling again.
She only gets in this state when she's exhausted, and looking at her dilated pupils, I'm assuming the fever isn't making it any better.
She winces, her fingers trembling as they reach for her temple.
"What's wrong?" I press, dipping my face down to hers. "Where does it hurt?"
She blinks a few times, her eyes more unfocused than before.
My brows draw together. "Tell me where it hurts."
She taps her temple lightly before she can't. She falls forward a bit, closing the space between us as her head falls against my shoulder.
I breathe out her name, alarm filtering through me at a rapid pace. I sit her back up, pressing my lips to her forehead only to receive more alarm.
She's warmer than before.
I lift her into my arms and take her to the bathroom. I turn the bath on cold, worry encompassing me at her labored breathing.
"Breathe," I instruct, trying to keep my voice level. Trying to keep it calm. "Keep breathing."
"Trying," she rasps. "I'm sorry."
"No, no, you're—no, it's okay. You're doing a good job. Just try to take the biggest deep breaths you can. Can you do that for me? Can you show me your biggest deep breath?"
She tries her best, I can tell from the small line of determination written on her forehead, but it's still proving to be difficult.
"We're going to make the fever go away," I tell her, carefully tucking her hair out of her face. "You'll feel better."
She looks uneasy. "Do I have to take a bath?"
"A cold one."
She shakes her head immediately. "It'll be too cold."
"I know it'll be cold, but it has to be to reduce your fever."
She presses her cheek to my shoulder, her fingers grasping weakly at my form. "I don't like feeling like this."
"I know, but you're doing good."
"I am?"
"You are. I'm very proud of you."
She hiccups, surprised. "You are?"
"I am." I pass my fingers through her hair, carefully adjusting her in my arms as I watch the bath water rise. "It's almost done."
Once the tub is filled, I set her down conscientiously, watching her sway at the sudden change. I keep a firm grip on her arm, helping her lower to a seated position on the floor.
"Lift your arms for me," I murmur. I tap her shoulder. "Up."
She listens, and I remove her shirt, careful not to put pressure on her head in the process.
"There you go," I voice quiet encouragement. "I'm going to take your shorts off next, and then I'll help you into the bath, okay?"
She nods, her features feverish and her expression confused.
I quicken my pace, keeping my actions as soft as possible, and once she's undressed, I scoop her up and lower her into the bath. She manages a startled squeak of protest, and her eyes fill with tears.
"Shh," I soothe. "I know it's cold; I know."
She looks forlorn, her frame wrecked with shudders every other second.
"I don't feel good," she says shakily.
"The cold water will help, okay?"
She thinks about this before deciding she agrees, her voice wobbling as she confirms, "The cold water will help." She tries to take a deep breath but fails. "I really don't feel good."
"This will help," I reassure her, but when her tears spill out, my heart lurches, and I try again. "Do you want to know what will speed up the process?"
"Yes, please."
"Okay," I murmur. "Give me your hand."
She does, quickly availing herself of my fingers and holding them in her weak grasp.
"I'm going to count to three," I tell her. "On three, you're going to put your head under the water for five seconds."
She looks down at the water. When her voice returns, it's a meager whisper. "Five seconds?"
"I know it seems like a lot, but you can hold my hand while you do it."
"The whole time?"
"The whole time." I offer a reassuring squeeze to our hold. "I know it seems scary right now, but you'll be fine."
"Yeah, I'll be okay," she mumbles.
"That's right."
She looks at me, taking a few short inhales in preparation. "I'll do it."
She takes the deepest breath she can and squeezes her eyes shut tightly. She doesn't move.
I watch her for a moment before gently prompting, "Li."
"I'm going to do it. In a second, okay? Just...in a second."
"Okay." I caress the top of her hand with my thumb. "How about a countdown?"
She blinks a few times before nodding slowly.
"I'll count to three," I reveal. "Okay?"
"...okay. Can you...can you count to three later?"
"Come on, Li. You're doing so good."
"Yeah, but..." She breathes tremulously. "I'm scared, and I don't know why." Her confusion flits across her features. "It's just water."
"I know." I caress her cheek gently. "I know you're confused right now, but that's because of the fever." I pat the water with my vacant hand. "It's just water, right? Look at how boring it looks. It can't hurt you, can it?"
She gnaws on her bottom lip. After a moment, she attempts a joke. "It's not nice to call it boring."
I exhale shortly, the corners of my mouth lifting. "I'll apologize to the water once you stop being scared of it."
She hesitates. "Jin?"
"I'm here."
I'm waiting for her response, but it doesn't come. She must want to get it over with because she inhales sharply and dips her features beneath the water.
She squeezes our hold for each second.
One second, one squeeze. Two seconds, another squeeze.
When she gets to the fifth squeeze, she comes up for air, her hair back in her face and little gasps leaving her.
"It's cold," she stammers. "Jin, it's cold."
"You're okay, you're okay. Deep breaths, Li. You're okay."
She struggles to keep her tears back. "I'm trying, I am."
"I know, I know. Just try to slow it down."
She manages to do so, gripping her thighs tightly in an attempt to ground herself.
After a moment, I slowly relay, "We're going to do that a few more times. We'll do it every minute for a little while, okay?"
She tries to nod, but she bursts into tears instead.
"Li, you're okay," I soothe. "This is going to make you feel better."
"I'm so sorry." She looks embarrassed by her show of tears. "I don't know why I'm crying. It's just—I'm really sorry. It's just happening, and I don't know why."
"The fever." I lean forward, pressing my lips to her forehead. It seems to have gone down a bit, and I pull back to relay this to her when she points to her lips. I quirk a brow. "You want a kiss?"
"Is that okay?"
I tell her, "You can have a kiss every time you put your face under the water."
She looks defeated but quietly agrees.
Each time she comes up, I keep my promise with a soft kiss. This seems to motivate her, and on the sixth time, she's starting to shiver.
"I'm cold now," she says through chattering teeth. "Can I get out now?"
"A few more minutes."
"We can kiss more?"
"We can kiss more."
Five minutes later, I lift her, wrapping her up in a towel and taking her back to my room.
"I don't have my pajamas," she tells me with a discouraged sigh.
"We can go grab them."
"Can I come, too?"
"You can."
I carry her to her room, letting her choose a loose-fitting PJ set before helping her dress.
"Thank you," she says with a sigh, lifting her leg to help me fit the shorts up to her hips. "You're the best."
My smile pulls through at this, and I seal her words with a kiss.
Back in my room, I strip my bed of my blankets, only leaving a pair of sheets to ensure her body stays cool enough to keep her fever at bay. I checked her temperature with a thermometer, and it's down to 99.9. Better than before, but still high.
"When did you start feeling sick?" I question.
She curls into a ball, tucking her knees to her chest. She heaves out a defeated sigh. "This morning."
"Before or after your comeback stage?"
"Before."
I lift a brow. "And you didn't say anything?"
She curls into herself further. "Please don't be mad at me. I just thought I had a headache because I was nervous."
I release a short breath, shaking my head. "I'm not mad."
She peeks over at me. "Really?"
"I'll be mad when you feel better."
She hides her face once more. Into her knees, she asks, "Can I stay with you tonight?"
I situate beside her, humming my approval to her request.
"You can," I tell her. I pull her to me, patting her ass lightly. "You can stay with me."
She melts, her movements languid as she snuggles against my chest.
"Thank you," she manages.
"Shh. Just close your eyes and try to sleep."
"Okay, I will, and...Jin?"
"Hm?"
"I didn't like the bath, but thank you for it because I know it helped with my fever."
I kiss the top of her head, trailing a few more to the side of her face until I find her cheek. "You're very sweet, Li."
"That means we can kiss more?"
I chuckle. "One more kiss, then you go to sleep."
She perks up. "Okay."
After several more kisses, she rests back on my chest. "You're the best Jin."
I repeat what I've heard Namjoon tell her before. "I'm the only Jin you know."
"I don't care. It still counts." Tentatively, she wonders, "Am I the best Li?"
I tug her closer to me. "You are."
She shows a tired smile. "You're so nice."
I smile a bit. "Sometimes."
She curls up against me, and I caress her hair, kissing her cheek.
After a moment, I softly prompt, "Can you relax for me? Close your eyes and get some sleep?"
"Yeah," she agrees good-naturedly. "I will."
I hum my approval. "Thank you."
She preens, snuggling closer to me.
I caress her waist, letting my fingers tap along it while she absently presses kisses to my chest.
It's sweet; addictingly so. I don't expect to be so soft with her. I don't expect how gingerly I work my hands through her hair and along her face. I expect the usual roughness to extract itself from the pads of my fingertips and find her, but they don't. It seems they've been traded for the sweetness exuding from her.
In this moment with the rain slamming into the house and the thunder looming in the distance, I don't mind. If anything, I want more. I want more of her; more of her sweetness, more of her sleepy lisps and pleads to be held by me.
She's lulled by me, and I'm lulled by her.
When thunder arrives, she clings onto me, searching my mouth for comfort, and I give it to her. I give it all to her. Gentle touches, soft praise—anything. Anything she wants.
She whispers my name over and over again, and when she's unable to speak from exhaustion, she kisses my neck until she falls asleep.
Her tears are dried on her cheeks, and a blissful expression rests on her features.
Sweet, pretty girl.
My sweet, cinnamon girl.
It must be an hour later when the rain has stopped, and I'm watching a show on my phone, careful not to wake her.
I know a part of me is aching. I assume it's aching for her.
As soon as I saw her in the hallway with her eyes full of tears and my name forming on her tongue, I inwardly praised myself for staying home. If I had come home and found her curled in the hallway crying, her face flushed with her tears and her fever, I'm not sure that I would've been able to take it. I can barely take it now; the sight of her so small, huddled into herself to hide from the thunder, running to me as her tears fell and crashing into me as if I was her lifeline.
She's different when she enters this headspace. Fragile. I wanted her to know that she was safe with me when she slips into it, and in some way, I wanted to show myself that I could do it—that I could be softer and help her through it. And I was. And I am. And I can be.
For her.
She stirs in her sleep, and I turn, catching sight of her yawning.
I run my fingers through her hair, and she gasps, surprised, and I'm quick to soothe her, caressing her cheek in slow, reassuring movements.
She relaxes at the sight of me, her chest beginning to rise and fall slower. Nuzzling into my hand, she breathes easier.
"Jin?" she mumbles.
I soothe hair away from her face, humming in response.
She leans into my touch. "It's not raining anymore?"
"No more rain."
She smiles sleepily, the action drowsy and sweet. "Good."
I return her smile. "How do you feel?"
She thinks for a moment. "My head doesn't hurt too bad anymore. Just a little ache."
"Just a little ache, huh? That's good. The evil, cold water helped you after all."
She bats my chest. "Don't tease me."
I chuckle lowly, gripping her wrists. "Be careful."
She huffs, but I can see she's hiding a smile.
"Does anything else hurt?" I prompt, letting her rest the side of her head against my arm. "Your throat? Your stomach?"
"Yeah." She nods, her fingers ghosting her throat. "Right here."
"Could be a bug."
"In my throat?" she squeaks.
I can't help but laugh. "No, Li. Not in your throat. A 24-hour bug; a viral infection that lasts around 24 hours."
She looks at me. Simply stares with her lips slightly parted.
I lift a brow. "What is it?"
She brings her fingers to my throat, tapping lightly. She follows her actions, tracking every detail before lifting her eyes back to mine.
"Is something wrong?" I press, pulling her fingers to interlace with mine. "Hm? Are you scared of the bug now too?"
She blinks. Stares. Wonders, "Are...Jin, are you real?"
I tilt my head. "Yeah, Li. I think so."
"Oh." She squeezes my hand. "You...you laughed. I've never heard it before."
My throat tightens.
She seems to notice the change in my expression because she's quick to backtrack.
"I'm sorry," she stresses. "I didn't mean to make you feel weird. You're just—you're being so nice, and I've never heard you laugh, and I don't know. I thought maybe I was having a really nice dream."
My chest twists. "Li."
Her voice is high-pitched. "I'm really sorry."
"No, you—no. You're fine." I exhale shortly. "You're fine."
She clasps her hands together and squeezes tightly, her eyes full of worry.
"You don't have to be nervous," I tell her, trying to keep my voice soft. Doing the best I can to keep it that way. "It's fine."
Her brows furrow, but she doesn't say a word.
We're both quiet.
I switch my phone off, placing it on the opposite side of me. She watches me.
I can be soft, I know that because I was soft with Gyeo, but even so, I'm not ready to talk about why it doesn't come easily anymore. I can't explain it; I haven't been able to explain it to anyone, not even to myself. Not fully. Not really.
But Li looks so soft; so warm and timid in my arms, and ready to cry in the case she might have upset me, and I don't want that. I can't have that.
I don't have to explain any of it yet. I don't need to explain the fear, or the hurt, or the cause. I don't need to explain Gyeo and how she caused me to freeze over, losing accessibility to the softness that Li is slowly retrieving, but I do need to make sure that Li is okay.
I look at her, offer a slight smile, and say, "I missed it."
Apparently, it's enough for her. If her expression is indication enough, it's more than enough.
She buries her face in my chest and hugs me as tightly as she can. Her hair keeps falling in her face, causing sounds of indignation to leave her as she struggles to remove it without loosening her grip on me, and it's endearing as much as it is humorous, and I laugh again.
She loves it. She hugs me tighter, won't let me go.
"You like my laugh?" I tickle her side.
She nods quickly, causing my shirt to rise and fall with the movement.
"Yeah?" I continue tickling her. "Let's hear yours."
When I press a particular part on her side, she erupts into giggles, squirming as she loses herself to it.
"There you go," I hum. "Such a pretty laugh."
"You too," she manages breathlessly, sporting a huge smile.
"Oh yeah? A pretty laugh? Not a handsome laugh?"
She pauses, lifting her eyes to mine.
I crack a smile, pulling her face inches from mine.
"I'm teasing," I tell her, watching her eyes flutter when I offer an Eskimo kiss. "Oh, there you go. I've got to get you all relaxed for me."
"Jin," she whispers, her eyes flitting down to my lips.
I kiss her then, taking the pleased sound she makes to memory.
"Pretty, pretty girl," I murmur, holding her face as I kiss everywhere my lips can find. "Aren't you just so pretty? Can you say, 'I'm so pretty, Jin'?"
She nods quickly, breathlessly saying, "I'm so pretty, Jin."
"There you go. Listening so well, hm? Making me so proud of you."
Her breathing quickens, her chest rising and falling rapidly against mine. "Really? Just like in the bath?"
"Mhm."
She beams, hugging me again.
I chuckle, encircling my arms around her and keeping her close. "You like it that much?"
She smiles abashedly in response. "Yeah."
I kiss her forehead, soothing my hands up and along her waist. "Try to relax. I don't want movement to exasperate your fever."
"Okay," she agrees, snuggling against me. "I'll be relaxed now." She pauses. When her voice returns, I'm surprised by how scared she sounds. "Jin?"
I lean back, peering down into her face. "What's wrong?"
"I'm really sorry."
My brows furrow. "What are you sorry for?"
"You're—I'm just—" She shakes her head, the tears threatening to spill out.
I brush my thumb beneath the soft pads of her eyes, ready to catch them when they do.
"Li," I prompt softly. "Tell me what's wrong. Let me take care of it."
Her tears fall then. Quickly, swiftly. I wipe them away slowly, carefully. Gently, nimbly.
"I'm sorry," she stammers. "You're going to get sick because of me."
My brows pinch together. "Sweetheart."
The pet name leaves me before I can think about it; before I can stop it. I falter, watching as her eyes meet mine, confused, but eager. Hopeful.
Before I can talk myself out of it, I rest my forehead against hers. We look at each other for a while, her labored breathing filling the space between our lips.
Her hope almost suffocates the fear enveloping me. It's like she's tearing it out piece by piece, and all I can do is watch; all I can do is feel how terrifying it is to let her pull the fear out and leave space for something else. For life. Maybe for Spring.
Maybe for her.
"I don't care," I murmur, and maybe it's too quiet, maybe it's not enough, but I say it anyway. "I can handle it."
"Jin" she whispers, her fingers twitching against my chest.
"You were so good for me tonight," I continue, keeping my voice low and letting it match the softness of her features. "If I get sick, that's fine. It won't be your fault. You didn't do anything wrong."
"But Jin—"
"Can you say "Jin's proud of me'? Can you say that for me?"
Her hips twitch, and she lets out a small whimper, her eyes fluttering as she breathes out, "Jin's proud of me."
"Say it again, sweetheart."
Higher than before, "Jin's proud of me."
"You listen so well, don't you?"
"Yeah, and I just—Jin, I'll give you medicine if you get sick, okay? I really like you and don't want you to be hurt."
My body aches. "Thank you, but I'll be fine."
"But I'll still take care of you, okay? Because you took care of me." She wraps her arms around my neck, easing us closer together. "I'll even give you a countdown in the tub."
This draws a fondness from deep within me; one that I wasn't aware I could feel. It feels icy until it melts, and then it shivers; it shivers as it melts and melts, and my features tighten before relaxing, my body doing the same against hers.
I think the warmth of her body has finally permeated onto mine; it seems as if winter might be coming to an end.
"Okay," I whisper, nudging my nose against hers. "I'd like that."
She leans back just enough to kiss my nose, and she surprises me when she squeezes it lightly.
She blushes. "Sorry. You just have a cute nose."
I laugh, and she beams.
Author's Note:
HOW ADORABLE!!?!?!?
HAPPY NEW YEAR, AND MAY THE ODDS BE EVER IN YOUR FAVOR!!!