The airport couldn't come soon enough. Jessica's race car driving makes me fear for my life. Whenever in a driver's seat, she cranks up the music, inherits a heavy foot, and drives at turbo speed. I'm trapped as her passenger, listening to her belt-out tunes and watching her dance as she moves on the freeway. At one point, she slams the brakes and blames every other vehicle for an almost near collision. She even flips off another car. I clench onto my seat until we pull into an airport parking space, remembering why I always volunteer to drive.
I practically throw myself from Jessica's brand-new BMW, wanting to kiss the pavement. Just as Jessica exited the vehicle, Michelle and Stephanie slid into the parking spot beside us.
Stephanie rolls down her window. "Are you girls ready to party?" she asks.
"Hell yeah," Jessica says, fist-pumping the air.
"We are going to have the best week ever," Michelle exclaims.
I wish I could join in their enthusiasm, but I'm hunched over, trying my best to recover from motion sickness. Stephanie and Michelle pull their luggage from Michelle's car's trunk and walk toward the airport entrance.
"Come on, Megan," Jessica says. "We don't want to be late."
She can't be serious. She wasted valuable time crying over her wedding dress and questioning me about Ben's baseball cap.
I reach into Jessica's vehicle's trunk, ready to pull my oversized luggage out. The wheels on the bottom are a lifesaver, as I have to roll it into the airport. Then I noticed Jessica's luggage was still in the trunk, but she was already walking through the airport entrance.
I shouted to Jessica and asked her to come back and help, but she didn't hear me. I shook slightly, pulled out her luggage, and walked toward the airport. When the automated doors opened, I saw Jessica, Michelle, and Stephanie waiting to check-in.
"Need some help?" Ben's familiar voice comes from behind me.
Slowly, I turn around to face him. He smiles and holds two coffees, looking freshly groomed and oddly relaxed. "Earth to Megs. You look like you could use a hand."
"Oh. Ah. Yeah. Thanks."
"Here," he says, holding a coffee. "Let me trade you for a piece of luggage. I got you a coffee. One milk and one sugar, right?"
My stomach tightens when he asks. I nod and thank him, taking the coffee cup from his hand. It feels awkward. I don't know why he needed to confirm how I take my coffee. Before we head to the office, our daily routine is to meet at a local coffee shop to grab a coffee together. His asking this only magnifies the fact that there was once an easy-breezy part of our life before we slept together, and now there is an awkward aftermath.
We walk together in a less-than-comfortable silence to meet Michael, Eric, and Matthew waiting in line with the girls. And maybe I'm just a paranoid mess, but I swear Jessica curiously shifts her eyes between Ben and me in a way she hasn't before.
Everyone's chatter circles around me and makes it hard for me to focus on anything other than the sudden panic I'm experiencing standing next to Ben. I scan the airport, looking for anything to distract me from thinking about our night together. Being this close to him, inhaling his spicy scent of cinnamon and honey suddenly causes my knees to weaken. I'm clearly confused and perhaps still a little hungover. I need to think more clearly.
This is Ben I'm thinking about. My go-to-bud for a quick meal at a food- truck and the guy I share Cubs season passes. I glance up at him, watching him talk to our friends, and I start to notice little things about him I've never noticed before. Like how much his hands move when he speaks (because of his Italian heritage). Or how incredibly white his teeth are (because of a home whitening kit prescribed to him by his dentist), or how he absentmindedly scratches his chest when he makes a quick one-liner joke (which he does a lot).
"You have a weird glow to you this morning." Eric's voice interrupts my thoughts.
Oh shit. Was he talking to me?
"Yeah," Matthew agrees. "Megan does glow. Like maybe she got some last night."
"Pardon?" I laugh, feeling my face flush.
For a brief and fleeting moment, I question whether they heard my insatiable thoughts about Ben. I scan my circle of friends, feeling like a transparent mess. I purposely do not make eye contact with Ben. But from the corner of my eye, I can see a sly grin tugging on the corners of his mouth.
Before I can even formulate a response, Jessica says, "I bet I know why -"
Shit.
"I found Marco's baseball cap in Megan's bedroom this morning."
Ben chokes a little on coffee.
"Oh, Megan," Michelle frowns. "I thought you ended things with that douchebag."
In Marco's defence, he was a Ph.D. student with aspirations of becoming a college professor. He ended things with me because he landed a contract lecturer position teaching physics at the University of Michigan. He may have been a tad overwhelming, outspoken and a little too serious, but he was also a decent guy with a big heart. Despite the distance, our breakup also had something to do with him not finding me intellectually compatible. It wasn't long after I indicated my belief in psychics - which I realize is ridiculous - but after watching TLC's Long Island Medium series, I am truly a believer.
"So..." Ben drawls. "You slept with Marco last night, huh?"
"No, of course not," I say with a laugh. I need to keep this casual and prevent it from becoming a thing. I don't want Ben to think I am affected by this or him.
"You did say he came over to talk," Jessica says, emphasizing the word talk to insinuate we did not talk. "But I think more happened between you. Eric is right. You do have a guilty glow."
I watch her smile, goading me to confess. Except I can't divulge because none of what I told her about Marco is accurate, and last night with Ben needs to disappear for good.
"I'm not sure any of you know what you're talking about," I say.
I walk over to the next available person at the check-in counter, feeling Ben's eyes on my backside.
When we checked in, moved through security, and boarded the aircraft, I was happy to find my seat. I popped a few gravel tablets into my mouth. I choose to sleep through a flight as a coping mechanism. Flying makes me nervous. Mainly, I can't wrap my head around how something so vast and heavy floats on air. But mainly, the fear of being trapped in a confined space with virtual strangers makes me ill.
I only share my anxieties with Ben. He's the one person I feel most comfortable being open with. He likes to tell me I am neurotic and gives me a hair ruffle to try to calm me down when I tell him things. Until we stupidly flipped a coin and slept together, he was the only person who could keep me sane. Now, just one look at him makes me nervous.
Michelle stops in front of my row, looks down at her ticket and frowns. "Please don't take this wrong, Megan, but you slept the entire flight. I want to sit beside someone who will drink mimosas with me."
"I'll drink mimosas with you," Stephanie waves from across the aisle and two rows back. "Megan can trade seats."
I glance back, intent on swapping seats, and see Ben beside Stephanie.
"No thanks," I say, purposely not making eye contact with Ben. "I'm happy where I am."
I don't want things to be weird between us or ruin the easy comfort we'd always had. I am still determining what I'd do if we lose that. But I need a little space from Ben to clarify my thoughts. Being trapped beside him on a five-hour flight isn't what I need right now. Had I gone home alone last night, I would have traded seats in a heartbeat.
This time, definitely not.
"Okay," Michelle says, frowning down at me. "I guess I'll drink mimosas alone."
So, with Gravol swallowed and my head resting on a pillow pressed against the plane window, I drift off to sleep, listening to Stephanie order her and Michelle a mimosa from a flight attendant, happy that I am about to enter la-la land.
I opened my eyes to a warm hand on my shoulder. I blinked up to see Ben sitting in the seat beside me.
"How was your sleep?" he asks, grinning at me. He leans over and twists a strand of my hair in his finger, using it to pull me closer to him as he whispers, "Michelle wanted to trade spots once you fell asleep. I hope that's okay."
"Why wouldn't it be?" I say, pulling back slightly.
He shrugs, the muscles of his shoulders and chest flexing. "Because you've been acting weird ever since we flipped that coin."
The memory of last night plays on a loop in my head when he says this. His naked body on top of my naked body and me liking it, like really enjoying it, makes me feel like the walls of the aircraft are closing in on me. I need some well-ventilated air.
With a slight shake, I lean back in my seat and straighten my shoulders. "I'm not acting weird. I'm cool with it. With us. I mean, with us flipping a coin. Because it was a one-time deal, and we're back to normal, right?"
"I'm not sure I'm getting you, Megs."
"It's just - I'm struggling with the awkward; I've seen you naked part of our friendship."
I watched him pause, staring at me like he was both amused and bewildered. He didn't nod or laugh and didn't thank me for saying it before he did. And now I'm confused.
"You don't think all that highly of me, do you?" he asks.
"Please. You know how much I value our friendship and how much you mean to me. God, Ben. You are my best friend. I don't want you to freak out and think I expect our relationship to change."
"I'm not the one freaking out."
"I'm just saying that I know last night was a fun time, but it meant different things to each of us."
His brows pull together. "What did it mean to you?"
"It meant..." I pause, thoughtful. The last thing I want is for Ben to think I have feelings for him because I don't. And he already garnishes enough female attention, not to mention weekly one-night stands. I do not want him to think I can't handle myself after a casual hookup. "I was finally able to rebound after my failed relationship with Marco. I was comfortable enough in our friendship to blur a line in a moment of weakness. But for once, it felt good to detach the emotional element of sex and have sex. I know you are already good at doing that with women you sleep with. So thank you."
His eyes search my face, and I wonder what he is looking for. Does he not believe me?
"I guess I'll need to throw out my baseball cap," he says.
"What baseball cap?" I ask, playing dumb. I'm worried one of our friends may overhear us.
"Oh, come on, Megs." He frowned, reached for his bottled water, and took a sip. "You told everyone it belonged to Marco. Wearing it again would blow your cover."
"Jessica was the only person who saw the baseball cap," I tell him. "But maybe to be safe, I'll burn it in a fireplace when I get back home. You know, destroy the evidence."
"Come on," Ben says in a near-whisper. "It wasn't that bad that you'd want to erase everything, was it?"
I don't know how to respond. I need to keep this conversation casual and not let it become a thing between us. I don't want him to think I can't handle it.
"I'm glad we're both cool about this," I say finally.
"Yeah, I'm super-cool about it. We're totally normal."
"Yup. Totally normal," I repeat.
My heart squeezes so tightly beneath my ribs. We stay quiet for a few long, painful seconds before the sound of the wheels touching down on the runway thumps loudly against the landing strip. The impact catches me off guard. I nearly let out a shrill scream but put a hand over my mouth to stifle it. Instinctively, my free hand clenches onto the armrest.
When Ben's hand rests over mine, I shiver slightly. Was it fear or a thrill at the contact? I sit up straight and look up at him. He smiles down at me, expression soft, and I can tell from the way he smirks that his touch is intentional.
It frightens me to want to lean forward and kiss him on the lips. I pull my hand away, feeling way too vulnerable in his presence. Ben's eyes darken, and he puts on a calm, unaffected mask.
Seriously. What the hell is wrong with me?
I need to get off this plane.
"Costa Rica, here we come," Jessica shouts, rising from her seat to inform every other passenger. "And we're getting married."
Michael's hand comes up and tugs her back down. Unlike Jessica, he likes to avoid attention. Michelle and Stephanie acknowledged Jessica's announcement with a few claps and cheers, while Eric and Matthew shared a high five.
Jessica stands to grab her carry-on. Michael stands up behind her and follows her off the plane.
It's gorgeous outside. The Costa Rican heat is like a slice of heaven. I look up at the clear, blue sky. We are escorted onto a bus and soon arrive at the resort.
I have been looking forward to this vacation for a long time. But if I am going to survive this trip, I will have to keep my distance from Ben. I need more time to sort things out.