FOURTEEN.
"Any chance we could get these venue tours to be a little later?" Vivienne spoke through a yawn, her hands shoved in the pockets of her pajama pants. While the rest of the band was somewhat presentable for the occasion, Vivienne still dawned an oversized grey sweatshirt and bedhead.
"It's 1 in the afternoon, kid," Ciarán mumbled, trying his best not to disturb the venue owner as he walked them through the backstage, explaining every room down to where the outlets were.
"Still could use some extra hours..." She huffed, arms crossed and feet planted on the fresh black-painted stage. Vivienne rolled her neck as the owner rambled on about the deep history of the stage lights, only egged on by Andrew's polite nodding at his every word. "Can he just tell the guy to shut up instead?"
"It's Andy, someone could stab him and he'd say thank you." Ciarán shook his head. "Any updates with him?"
"Not much. He's a bit peeved about me not taking a bow and leaving for the encore yesterday."
"And?"
"Told him to piss off about it." She shrugged. "I'd rather stay out of the spotlight and just do what I'm paid to: drum."
"You're paid to be a public figure, too," Ciarán remarked, earning a light scoff from the woman by his side.
"Christ, you sound like Gwen."
"I'm being serious. It's just what being on tour is, you've gotta put yourself out there a bit." Ciarán toyed with a mic stand as he spoke, the two now fully ignoring the owner as he now ranted about their amazing catering services. "You ever thought that maybe Andy is just trying to push you out of your comfort zone?"
"I'm aware he is, and I don't like it," Vivienne replied in a low tone as the group dispersed from the owner to check out the venue's amenities.
"Then tell him."
"What?"
"What do you mean 'what'?" Ciarán teased. "Have you lot never heard of communication?"
"It's not exactly something me and him do well." Vivienne scrunched her nose.
"I'm well aware." Ciarán chuckled. "But honestly, just pull up your boots and go talk to him. I'm sure he'd understand."
"If you say so..." Vivienne murmured, practically to herself as Ciarán pivoted to the snack table hidden behind the curtains. She took it upon herself to check out the venue herself, wandering the floor and pausing at the few things that caught her eye. The vintage art hung around the backstage, the dressing rooms plentiful enough to house each band member to their own, the extra drumsticks provided after Vivienne had split the tip of one of hers on the last show, and she was especially drawn to the display cases.
Shadowboxes lined the wall, filled with music memorabilia that made her brain buzz with excitement. Smashed guitars, famous performers' picks, she was especially drawn to the display of the drumsticks split in half, labeled as belonging to one of her favorite drummers of all time. Her eyes were filled with stars as she raised her hand-
"Ah ah ah-" A demeaning voice came from her left, their tone akin to talking to a bad dog as they swatted her fingers from the glass. "We don't touch."
Vivienne furrowed her brows as she turned to find the face of the venue owner, gray hairs gelled behind his out-turned ears and a wide smile spread across his face with a suspicious lack of lines on his cheeks. His skin was leather tough from obvious botox, and his eyes seemed devoid of human emotion.
"Uh," Vivienne pulled back her hand, unable to respond with her usual attitude due to the shock of the man's actions and odd appearance. "I was just looking-"
"Who are you here with?" Although he was slightly shorter than Vivienne, he bent his back to lean into her. She was surprised at his question, as he had to have seen her just moments ago walking with the band.
"Stanley!" Andrew's voice was cheerful, and the familiarity of it made a wave of comfort rush over Vivienne. "I see you've met my drummer, is everything alright over here?"
The man perked up as Andrew placed himself behind Vivienne, hands placed gently on her shoulders and his shoulders pulled back with confidence.
"Oh! It's been great!" Stanley beamed, his arms crossed in front of his waist. Vivienne stood a bit taller as well as she watched the man crumble under Andrew's sudden presence, obviously desperate to impress him to the fullest extent.
"I'm glad, because you talk to her with respect or you talk to me." Andrew concealed his brash words with a fake laugh, earning an uncomfortable one in response from Stanley.
"Of course!" Stanley chomped down on his gum with his veneers, giving a wave to Vivienne as he began to walk away. "Enjoy looking around!"
Vivienne and Andrew nodded in unison with false smiles, waiting until he scurried beyond the curtains before letting out a collective sigh.
"That guy is right dumb for talking to you like that," Andrew remarked, removing his hands from Vivienne's shoulders as she turned to face him. "I think I ought ta' get you a sign on your forehead that says 'leave me the fuck alone'"
Vivienne snorted. "I thought my resting bitch face would be enough, but it seems not." Before Andrew could object to using such a harsh word on herself, Vivienne quickly continued. "Were you coming to say anything, or just to be my knight in shining armor?"
Andrew laughed at the comment, shaking his head. "Just to annoy you, if I may."
"Fire away." Vivienne shrugged, tucking her arms over her chest as she began walking alongside Andrew.
"The bow-" Andrew was cut off by an exaggerated groan before the words could even fully leave his lips. "Alright, damn. At least let me talk."
"You've heard my opinion about this, already."
"And I'd like to change it."
"Good fucking luck."
"Viv." Andrew stopped walking, causing Vivienne to do the same. Although Andrew towered over her while staring down at her, Vivienne held just as much power with her tight stance and glare.
"Andrew." She mocked, earning a sigh.
He took a deep breath, as though dealing with Vivienne was something that took all of his current energy. In reality, Andrew could barely stomach to look at her in the moment. It was becoming increasingly hard for him to act like being around her didn't take a toll on his mental; every bit of her was a reminder of what he couldn't have, or more so what he could've had. Not a minute went by that he didn't catch himself staring at her scrunched features and imagining them relaxed in a deep sleep in his arms again. It was something so simple that he was sure would occupy his mind until he was laid in a grave; but if he could still have Vivienne around, it was worth it to the pain of keeping her at an arms length.
He pushed back the feelings yet again as he spoke. "I want you to try it. Just once, then I'll leave you be."
Vivienne thought of Ciarán's words. She could just stand up to him, tell him no, and walk away, maybe even put some effort into communicating why she didn't want to. However, Vivienne couldn't get the words out. Maybe it was the genuine look in his eye, or maybe it was something deep down telling her to finally take a step out of her comfort zone instead of hiding away like she had her entire life. Maybe she finally believed Andrew did see something in her, and he genuinely just wanted her to shine.
"I'll think about it."
Andrew huffed. "Is that the best I'm going to get?"
"Yes. Don't push it."
"Fine. I'll take it." Andrew nodded. "Go find Gwendolyn, she wants to discuss your outfit for tonight."
"Got it."
They began to turn opposite ways, but Vivienne's attention was snapped back by a small smack sound. She turned her head over her shoulder, watching as Andrew practically threw himself onto the ground to grab a book that had landed a few paces behind her. Although he seemed to put a ridiculous amount of effort into hiding what he had dropped, Vivienne managed to catch a glimpse of the cover:
ASL FOR DUMMIES: BEGINNERS GUIDE
She spun back around before Andrew could tell if she had seen, raising an eyebrow to herself at the odd read as she rushed off to search for Gwen.
—————
Vivienne yanked down the end of her skirt for the fourth time in the last minute, her features scrunched under the mound of makeup she had put on for the night. Gwen had warned her their photographer would be taking lots of shots for promotional purposes tonight, meaning Vivienne had to look her best or risk the self-hatred that would ensue when she saw her face on billboards. It seemed even after the hour of nitpicking herself, it was never enough to silence her insecurities always at the front of her mind.
A knock on her half-open dressing room door was enough to pull her attention away from the large mirror, her eyes falling on the sight of Andrew leaning against the doorframe. "Gwendolyn needs you."
"Seems she always does," Vivienne muttered, reaching for a bit of her makeup. "Can she give me 5?"
"It didn't seem she was in much of a rush." Andrew shrugged, gesturing to the futon tucked in the corner of Vivienne's dressing room. "May I?"
"Be my guest, try not to break a bone in your ass, though. That thing is rock solid." She turned back to her mirror, swirling the soft bristles of her brush through the dark ivory powder in her palm.
"Christ- you weren't lying." Andrew winced as he plopped onto the cushion, immediately readjusting his position.
"Told you. It's like sitting on gravel." Vivienne smiled, brushing powder over her cheeks.
"Yeah, can't find a comfortable spot." After 3 more readjustments, Andrew huffed, rising to his feet. "Fuck it. I'd rather stand."
"Good idea," Vivienne remarked, eyes still trained on her face in the mirror. Andrew took her moment of distraction to take in her appearance. She dawned nearly the same, light-colored makeup look as the first show, this time with a pinkish lip color that matched her blush and a bit more contour on her nose. The faded and neutral colors of her makeup matched her outfit: a black, knit-style blouse with a few grey buttons on the chest and a brown plaid skirt that hugged every curve of her down to her mid-thigh. Andrew couldn't help but bask in her beauty, although her comments to herself revealed she didn't see herself as the same.
She muttered almost mindlessly about her insecurities. "These fuckin' wrinkles..."
Andrew scratched his beard in thought. How could she find something so human so unpleasant on herself? From the little he knew about her, he knew those wrinkles showed the life she lived and the strength she had to get where she was standing today. He couldn't help but think about what a privilege it would be to him to grow old with her, to see her every youthful feature wrinkle while his went along with, the creases in their skin showing a life lived well and loved. He knew he had gone mad when these thoughts crossed his mind; it was something so unreachable that he shouldn't even think about fawning over it.
"Andrew," Vivienne called out for the second time, her voice a little more brash than the first. Andrew went from his dreamy state, eyes trained on her, to shooting upright at the call of his name. "Could you hand me the hairspray?"
Andrew hummed, a bit flustered from embarrassment but doing as she asked nonetheless. He grabbed the bottle from the top of her bag, then placed it on the vanity, leaning onto the wall next to it as she sprayed away at her dark hair. She secured it into a ponytail, pulling out a bit of her fringe on the fronts and side.
Andrew took a glance at her makeup, sprawled across the table wildly. "Jesus."
"Yeah. It's all really old." Vivienne chuckled at his reaction to her things, spraying a bit more into her hair as she slicked back a few stray hairs.
"We need ta' get you some new stuff." He commented, his fingers grazing over the shattered plastic on the front of one of her palettes.
"Mm. Too expensive."
"You need to stop saying that bullshit around me." Andrew scoffed. "We've got a day between dates tomorrow. Look up some malls between here and Chicago and I'll tell the bus driver to make a stop."
Vivienne nodded, mindlessly picking at her face. Her features twisted as she noticed all the flaws in her makeup; the oddly pointed ends of her brows, the uneven eyeliner wings, the patch of her cheek where foundation didn't cover her freckles.
"You look stunning, Viv," Andrew commented, his words coming out without a second thought. He didn't regret it much after he saw Vivienne's reaction; her features softening a bit as she locked eyes with him.
"You sure?" She asked, and Andrew couldn't help but smile stupidly at her lacking awareness of her own beauty.
"Cross my heart."
Vivienne hated how easily he made her blush; his words finding a place in her like no other. She turned off the light to the vanity, huffing out a small okay to herself as she smoothed the fabric on her skirt one more time. Andrew stood up from the wall, hands tucked in his pockets as he walked ahead of her.
"Oh, wait-" Vivienne stopped by the mini fridge, pulling open the door. She spun around, tossing a bottle at Andrew, which he quickly caught and examined. "I think they put your stuff in my room."
Andrew smiled at the dark brown bottle of chocolate milk, clutching it in his fingers like it was the most important thing to him as he walked alongside Vivienne. For having far shorter legs than him, he struggled to keep up as she paced down the hallway.
"Do you know anything about this "after party" Ciarán has been telling me about?" Vivienne questioned, dodging and weaving between the workers of the venue as they made their way down the hall.
"Ugh. He found out Stanley was a complete pushover and convinced him to give us a bunch of liquor. Now he wants everyone to party on the bus tonight."
"Oh, lord. That's gonna be a hell of a ride." Vivienne giggled. As the two turned to a corner, a stagehand caught Andrew by the arm, muttering something about a staging issue to him. Two more stagehands swarmed him, pulling him to the side as they tried to usher them to the opposite side of the stage.
Andrew looked overwhelmed, but as he was being forced to walk in the opposite direction as Vivienne, he looked up at her. He raised a fist to his chest, rubbing his hand in circles over his heart. Vivienne immediately recognized it as the sign for sorry, and her mind flashed back to the ASL book Andrew had carried in his back pocket, then to her communication with Gwen on the bus. She shuddered as he walked away, her mouth hung open slightly in shock at the gesture. It was something that was so subtle, but the effort he had put into that simple bit of communication made her entire body heat up.
A security guard bumped into her, pushing her back into the reality she was swooning in the middle of a crowded hallway. She shook it all off as she rushed to find Gwen, eventually spotting her red hair amongst the many workers swarming the backstage like an angry hive.
"Lot of energy back here," Vivienne commented, and Gwen nodded.
"Big venue, nearly sold out, too," Gwen replied, grabbing a radio from the table beside her and sliding the clip onto the band of Vivienne's skirt. She simply lifted her arms above her head as Gwen went to work securing the tape to the back of her shirt, then hooked the plastic piece around her ear. She switched on the radio, then stepped back in front of Vivienne and pressed the button on her own earpiece.
"This lets you talk to all of us." Gwen's voice came through the radio at the same time as right in front of her. "We bought them off of the venue, so we'll be taking these with us now."
"WHAT?"
The two flinched as Isiah's voice crackled in their ears.
"Not talking to you, dumbass," Vivienne remarked with a giggle.
"Oooh, my bad, Mami."
Vivienne gave a dramatic eye roll and gag at the name, making Gwen laugh.
"She's going to beat your ass for that." Ciarán chimed in.
Isiah was quick to respond. "I'm down."
"Alright, enough, or I'm taking the radios away." Gwen cut in, earning a unified yes ma'am from the two men. "Meet in the left wing for our meeting, please."
Vivienne followed Gwen to the meeting area, sitting on a storage container as the band filtered in. Andrew was the last to join, a bead of sweat sliding down the side of his forehead as he jogged over. When Gwen began talking, his eyes shot to Vivienne almost immediately.
She raised her hands, twisting her fingers in a way that looked like gibberish to Andrew, until he recognized it. You. okay?
Andrew copied her last move. Okay.
Vivienne nodded with a smile, turning back to Gwen as she explained the importance of the pictures Ruth was going to take that night. Andrew took a moment to come down from the clouds, eyes still trained on her half lit features, and his heart rate still high for a few moments after due to her sweet smile.
The band gave another reluctant hand into the circle at Gwen's command, and Vivienne couldn't help but giggle as it felt like she was on a middle school basketball team. Everyone quickly took their places after their meeting, being cued out only a minute later by the change in lights.
Gwen was right, the venue was quite large and packed wall to wall that night. The 17 songs felt like nothing when Vivienne realized how much the crowd enjoyed her drumming, even going as far as up the intensity of her runs and standing up at some points to slam her sticks down dramatically. Andrew noticed her up in energy, and he couldn't help but smile throughout the whole set at her performance.
The lights shut out after the last song, and Vivienne was quick to scurry off stage with the rest of the band. When the crowd had screamed encore long enough, Gwen cued the stagehands to start up the lights again.
Vivienne tucked her sticks into her waistband again, looking for an escape route to the dressing rooms amongst the crowd of stagehands. She was only able to take a single step away from the curtains when Andrew's voice buzzed in her ear.
"You coming back for the encore, Viv?"
She spun around, finding Andrew standing tall across the sea of workers. She huffed, remembering her words from earlier. She was only further influenced when Andrew raised his hand, putting a palm to his chin and extending it outwards. Please.
She pressed the button on her ear, her tone reluctant. "Fine."
Andrew's face lifted in a smile as he readjusted the sleeves of his grey jacket, waiting for Gwen's cue to head back on stage.
"Go for it," Gwen said through the earpiece, and everyone rushed back to their places. Andrew took his stand at the microphone, waiting a moment for the crowd's excitement to die down before speaking.
"Thank you all for coming out— I'd just like to take a moment to thank everyone who made this show happen. You all know my name, but I want you to know theirs."
Vivienne found it sweet; she had started this thinking Andrew was a stuck-up singer with too much money to throw around, but as it all went on she only found more and more humanity in him. And with that, she started to find the same in herself.
Andrew went around introducing everyone, starting with Ruth who stood by the barricade with an oversized camera, then to the organizer for the show, then to Gwen behind the curtains, then to Vivienne.
She froze for a second under the bright light that shined onto her, then raised a hand to wave. The crowd erupted with claps just as they had for everyone previous to her, but for Vivienne, it was a childhood dream come true. She thought of all the moments she fought with her family to pursue music, how she would drum on buckets for money to buy her prom dress in high school, how she hid her rock music on her iPod from her family just so she could have some escape. This was her escape, now. This was what she needed.
The attention moved to the other members one by one, but Vivienne stayed in that moment. The rush continued to buzz in her ears, the feeling more intense than anything she had experienced as an adrenaline junkie. She stared off with a bright smile as Andrew gave a final thanks before beginning the encore.
From the first strum, Vivienne was enchanted by Work Song. She had never been able to truly take in how talented Andrew was on the guitar due to being preoccupied with her own instrument. Now, she was able to soak it in with no distractions; how his hands moved so effortlessly up the bridge of the guitar like second nature, his sweet humming harmonizing with Ciarán, Ivy, and Wren; and when the lyrics started, she felt her stomach flip.
Andrew sang in a higher tone than usual, his vocals still backed by the 3 standing at the mics around him, but it wasn't his voice that had her insides feeling like mush: it was the words. Vivienne swooned at every clever line of the loving ballad, wondering how anyone could ever love how he described in the song. She crossed her arms over the top of her drums, laying her head on her forearms and watching in awe as Andrew swayed back and forth in place. During a break before the chorus, Andrew glanced back to see she was still there, and the smile on his face was enough to make her entire body feel red hot.
Vivienne huffed as she wondered if anyone could love her like the song, and her mind only spiraled with every moment she watched Andrew perform. As he transitioned into Cherry Wine, she could feel the anxiety replacing the butterflies in her stomach. The previously warm feeling of her skin felt like it was all melting off, and she didn't even think to take a breath before she rushed herself off of the stage. She pushed past stagehands watching the encore from beyond the curtains and into an empty corner, immediately dropping her hands to her knees and heaving in breaths. She thought she couldn't recognize the feeling; an anxiety so large that it felt like her heart was about to explode, but at the same time her head was in the clouds. In reality, she just refused to recognize it as what it was.
"Viv?" Andrew's voice was grainy through the earpiece and somewhat shielded by the cheering in the background, but she could read the annoyed tone clear as day.
She took a heaving breath before responding. "I'll meet you on the bus."
Andrew's voice softened quickly, recognizing the anxiety in her words. "Alright. We'll see you there."
—————
After scrubbing the half pound of makeup off of her face and sneaking onto the bus before the fans had hit the barricade, Vivienne quickly changed her stage clothes for a pair of old Christmas-themed pajamas and the first sweater she laid her hands on. She took the alone time on the bus to apply a few skincare products, brush out her hair, and grab a snack in peace without Ciaran looking over her shoulder asking for one. When the rest of the band had finally funneled onto the bus after signing a few foreheads, Vivienne anticipated the gentle footsteps that B-lined for the master bathroom immediately.
A few soft knocks on the door queued Vivienne to pull it open, immediately being met with a concerned face peering back at her.
"Why'd you run off again?"
"Did you actually expect me to stay?" Vivienne said dismissively, pushing past Andrew's tall figure to the pile of bags surrounding her bike. She bent down to hers, shoving a few hair products into the side.
"I had high hopes." Andrew trailed behind her, hands stuffed in his pockets.
"You should stop having those for me," Vivienne muttered, zipping the bag closed. Her eyes stayed low as she stood up, avoiding Andrew at all costs.
"Why would I ever?" His voice was soft, and pained by her behavior. He knew there was more to it, but after what he had done, he was aware Vivienne wasn't exactly jumping to open up to him.
"Because, I'm a dirtbag you pulled from the streets. Not a superstar. I just want to stay out of the spotlight. I don't deserve it, anyways."
The words were on the tip of Andrew's tongue: You deserve it all. I'll give you it all.
"You two, a word?" Gwen's voice cut into the conversation as she slipped through the half-open door, sliding it closed behind her to drown out the sounds of Ciaran hollering about the liquor he had hauled onto the bus.
Andrew sighed, straightening his face to hide his worried features. "Yeah. Of course."
"Good," Gwen nodded, holding her phone as she walked over to Andrew and Vivienne. "Because you lot are blowing up right now."
"Sorry?" Vivienne questioned, watching over Gwen's shoulder as she opened Twitter and clicked on one of the many posts flooding her timeline. Vivienne's eyebrows furrowed as she analyzed the photo; a blurry shot of the concert from the barricade. Andrew was at the center of the image, eyes shut in bliss as he sang with an acoustic guitar in his hands. In the half-blurred background, Vivienne could be seen leaning on her drum set, eyes trained on Andrew with a slight smile. "What the fuck...."
Gwen scrolled into the replies, only met by more images of the same scene from different angles: Vivienne obviously swooning as Andrew played through the encore songs.
@gold_rushx
he was practically eyefucking her the whole show too LMFAO
@hoppincornflake
i'm no better i'd be looking at him like that too fr
@hoziersflower
girl looks like she's boutta jump over that drum set
@sharkluvr24
there's def some shit going on backstage
"Christ, I-" Vivienne stuttered, her face flushing red. "I was just zoning out!"
"Everyone's going crazy, though!" Gwen clicked over to the search tab as Andrew watched. "Look at this! 'Hozier' trending with 'Drummer girl', you're even trending down here, Viv!"
Vivienne glanced at the phone, eyes widening at the trending search. "VIVIENNE JANE WILDER"
"They got my name? How the fuck did they get my name?" Her voice was sour, twisted with panic and anger.
Gwen was taken aback, struggling to find her words at Vivienne's upset. Andrew seemed unfazed.
"We could play this up, we'd sell ridiculous amounts of tickets if people wanted to catch a glimpse at us."
"Tickets?!" Vivienne exclaimed. "They've got my full fucking name! I didn't even tell you two that!"
"It's just business, Viv," Andrew reassured, but it only irked Vivienne more. "We play along, we get more tickets, you get more money."
Vivienne groaned loudly in response, running her hands through her hair.
"You mentioned you wanted a new wrap for the bike." Gwen chimed in. "You could buy a whole new one with how much we'll make."
Vivienne didn't care for the money. She didn't even care for the bike that much. She cared for her privacy, and most importantly she didn't want to play like Andrew was in love with her, she just wanted it to be real for once.
"I didn't even want to be on stage for the encore," She paced around, nervously flapping her hands. "I didn't want any of this but you made me do it you-"
"Kind words, Vivi." Gwen cut her off, and Vivienne huffed.
"I'm fucking finding them!" She rubbed her face, taking a few deep breaths. As much as she hated the idea Andrew had pitched, she hated letting anyone down more. "Fine. I'll do it."
"Grand." Andrew smiled. "We'll brainstorm tomorrow, then. How about a drink to celebrate, Gwen?"
Gwen nodded, then glanced at Vivienne. She shook her head.
"I need a shower. You all have fun." She murmured.
Gwen began to pull open the sliding door, and as Vivienne passed by Andrew he reached a hand to her shoulder. She pulled it away, slipping into the bathroom and slamming the door behind her.
Gwen spun around at the noise, eyebrows furrowed at Andrew.
"All good?" She questioned, watching as Andrew stared at the closed door.
"Mm." He nodded, pressing his lips together. "All good."