"Were you able to get some help from legal aid?" Courtney has blocked my entrance into the club's backstage changing room. She only has one of her eyes made up. The long fake lashes, thick eyeliner, and bright blue eye shadow seem even more garish in contrast to her naked, natural eye. Her natural beauty is more striking than the fake creation she has painted on.
I hug her without answering. Her brightly made-up eye contrasted against her natural beauty reminds me of the juxtaposition between Wrenna and me: a natural, classic beauty next to a fake creation of my own doing.
Her strong arms squeeze me in return. She steps back and holds me at arm's length, studying my face. She whispers, "Everything okay?"
I nod. "Yeah, today just made me realize how powerless I am in this world. I can't even figure out my own problems." I can't meet her gaze and instead look to the floor. She squeezes my arms tightly.
"Hey, you aren't powerless. You are resourceful." She shakes me slightly and I can't help but smile.
She grins back at me and says, "People like us have to reframe our thinking. We have this idea that we have to do everything on our own, but successful people are successful because they ask questions, ask for help, and use the resources available to them. We can check our pride and be open to help," She hugs me again and a piece of her clip-in hair extension gets stuck in my mouth.
"Court, your hair is in my mouth," I cough and try to pick her fake hair out of my teeth.
She grins and says, "Honey, you looked hungry."
"Disgusting," I respond with a chuckle as she steps back to let me enter the changing room.
"Wow, full house tonight," I say and place my bag on a seat next to Courtney's. The changing room has a girl taking up almost every mirror.
"Yeah, we have some new girls tonight," Courtney says as she draws a thick line of black eyeliner along her top lid.
"I wonder why... aren't high school graduations still in June? Ain't this a little early?" I ask with a sardonic tone. I'm in a shitty mood tonight. I don't want to be here, I don't want to live this life anymore.
Courtney laughs then responds, "This is probably last June's batch, they just realized college tuition ain't going to be paid by daddy." Courtney winks at me, continuing my joke.
"Time to find a new daddy tonight," I reply. Courtney pokes her eye with the mascara wand when she hears my comment.
"Oh my god, you are awful," she chuckles as she blots a tissue under her watering eye.
"Who should I be tonight, Court? Sexy cheerleader, or depressed woman with no future?" I ask as I begin to undress.
"Honey, aren't they one and the same?" Courtney teases and I find my spirits lifting from her silly banter.
I dress in the cheerleader uniform but leave my hair down and loose. I only add some mascara and then paint my lips a watermelon pink.
Courtney smiles at me when our eyes meet in the mirror.
I kiss her on the cheek and say, "I'll see you out there."
It is a busy night and the floor is packed. I have already made two hundred dollars and I have only been on the floor for an hour. I know why too and the reason is disgusting. Less makeup means I look younger. And tonight, I probably look twelve.
I finish a lap dance and begin to walk back to the bar to get my patron a refill. On my way to the bar, I see Layne enter the club. He is alone like usual. I'm surprised when I don't feel butterflies in my stomach like last time. He is still handsome and alluring, but my strong feelings for Sean now cloud my perception others.
"Hi Layne," I smile at him and he slowly grins back at me.
"Hey honey," he says and leans in to kiss my cheek.
"Wanna get a drink?" I ask.
He nods then says, "No back room tonight?"
I chuckle and shake my head 'no."
"Damn," he says with a laugh and rubs the hair along his jawline. He looks tired. His hollow cheeks are deeper, and the circles under his eyes are darker. I wish he'd take better care of himself.
He stands next to me at the bar and I order him a whiskey and me a water.
"How's Sean doin'?" He asks when the bartender slides his whiskey across to him.
I feel my face light up when he says Sean's name.
"He's good," I say and look at the floor sheepishly.
He chuckles at my reaction and says, "Glad he is making you happy, you two deserve it." I look up at him and he is smiling at me kindly. The sexual energy between us has dissipated and now he feels more like a friend. But I still feel that dark, alluring pull he has.
"Hey," I say to him as he takes a sip from his drink.
"Hmm?" He replies and looks at me over the glass.
"I don't want Sean to know about us," I say.
He swallows the liquid in his mouth then shakes his head. "Nah, honey, you have to tell him," he says and leans his elbow on the bar. He places the cold glass against his sharp cheekbone and fixes me with his thoughtful blue-gray eyes.
"You gotta be truthful to the people you love. Take my word for it," He says. He studies me for a moment then continues, "I fucked it up with a woman I loved because we weren't truthful with each other," He shakes his head and takes another sip. He stares at the liquid in his glass again before saying, "Don't fuck it up with Sean because you are scared of telling him the truth. Secrets cause more harm."
I just nod and look at the ground.
"Hey," he says and waits for me to look up, "But do me a favor and let me know when you do tell him, cuz I don't wanna get sucker punched next time I see him," He chuckles at his own joke and I smile at him.
He downs the rest of the whiskey then turns to me. "I have a new project with some guys and we are playing the Croc Sunday night. You and Sean should come." He places a couple of bills on the bar for the bartender.
"Yeah, of course, what kind of music is it?" I ask.
His face lights up when I ask and I can tell he is excited and proud of this new project.
"It's kind of a psychedelic, bluesy, jam band kind of monster," he chuckles at his description.
"Sounds awesome, we will be there," I say with a smile and he nods.
He kisses me on the cheek again and gives me a two-finger salute as he exits the club.
-------
I finish my shift at 4 AM and change into my sweatpants and sneakers. I wait for Courtney to finish her routine then catch her in the hall. I tell her that I am going to be an hour or two late tomorrow night and I wouldn't be in on Sunday.
She says she will have one of the new girls take my shifts and she will cover for me with Phil.
As I leave the club I see Sean leaning against my car. I feel giddy and excited seeing him and it takes everything in me not to drop my bag and run to him. He pushes off my car and saunters toward me. My heart beats faster as he nears and I know I am in deep.
"Hey," he says when he reaches me.
"Hi," I reply and my cheeks hurt from smiling. I drop my bag to the ground and wrap my arms around his neck. His hands begin to trail down to my sweatpants and he squeezes me to him. I giggle and he wiggles his eyebrows at me.
"Glad you didn't try to murder me tonight," he says with a grin.
"What?" I ask and furrow my eyebrows.
"Last time I waited for you outside you almost stabbed me with your keys," He murmurs as he lowers his head to kiss me.
His lips touch mine and I feel myself melt into his warmth.
"I trust you now," I say without thinking, my mind a blur from his kiss.
He breaks the kiss and looks down at me. He smoothes my hair back and his facial expression is almost pained.
"What now?" I ask.
"Jen, uh...I'm glad you trust me. I just... ," he trails off and hugs me tightly to him. "Let me take you home," He says into my hair.
I nod. "Are you sure you want to leave your truck here?" I ask. The club's parking lot is brightly lit but it's not the best neighborhood to leave a car overnight.
"Uh, yeah, give me a sec," He says and leaves me standing by my car. He is parked two parking places over and he pops the hood of his truck. He bends under the hood and fiddles with something, then pulls a metal contraption off something. He closes the hood then jogs back over to me. He holds the metal thing up and says, "Okay, now let's go."
"What is that?" I ask, staring down at the metal thing in his hand.
"Distributor cap. Cheap anti-theft," he says with a chuckle. "Give me your keys."
I toss him my keys and slide into the passenger seat. He stretches down into the driver's seat and pushes the chair back.
"I missed you," I say to him as he puts the car into gear. I begin to run my hand up his thigh and lean toward him. He accidentally pops the clutch and kills the engine.
"Fuck," he says with a chuckle. He looks over at me and I run my hand farther up until I feel him hardening through his jeans.
"Wanna fuck in the parking lot?" He asks with a chuckle as I rub him over his jeans.
I nod my head as I unbutton the top of his jeans then slowly lower the zipper. He lifts his hips so I can free his length from his tight pants.
I run my hand down the silken skin then encircle my fingers around his girth. I slide my fingers up and down him. A deep moan escapes his throat, turning me on and making me more brazen. I lean closer to him then kiss the tip of his dick. I hear him curse to himself as I run my tongue over his tip, tasting the salty bead of moisture. He drops his hand to the back of my neck and threads his fingers into my loose strands.
I slowly drag my tongue along his shaft before taking him deeply into my mouth. He groans when he touches the back of my throat.
"Fuck, you are too fucking good at this," he says breathlessly as I continue the movement until he hoarsely croaks a warning that his orgasm is near. His body tightens and I swallow the warm liquid as it escapes his swollen tip.
"God damn it, Jen," he chuckles as he leans his head back against the headrest and closes his eyes.
"Am I going to need to drive us back to my place?" I ask.
He nods. "Slide over and I will switch you places," he says, his eyes still closed.
I slide over the middle divider onto his lap.
"Okay, now what?" I giggle, my ass nestled in his lap.
"Mmm, perfect," he mumbles as he pulls down my sweatpants. "We aren't done yet," he murmurs as he kisses along my neck. His finger slides between my folds and over my clit. I moan from the sensation and turn my head to catch his mouth. His tongue finds mine as he wets his finger inside me then returns it to the sensitive bud, continuing his rhythmic torture.
His other hand sneaks under my sweatshirt and palms my naked breast. He smiles against my lips, "I love that you are always naked under these." He rolls my nipple between his fingers then leans forward. He takes my inner thigh in his hand and lifts me up onto his erection.
It's a smooth move and I can't help but respond: "You've done this before." He just chuckles in response and kisses my neck.
I moan as his thick length fills me. My hips instinctually begin to swirl and roll around him, playing with the sensation of friction and depth. I lean forward and peel my sweatshirt from my sweating skin. The movement angles his erection lower, allowing it to focus on that special, rough spot.
"Oh fuck," I groan and continue to lean forward, grinding my hips along his length. His fingers dig into my hips, helping my rhythm and steadying my weight until my body tightens around him--the orgasm flooding through me.
I collapse back onto his chest, feeling satiated and spent.
"Maybe we need a cab to take us home," he chuckles as he wraps his arms around me.
----------
"How's it going with your landlord issue," he asks quietly as he holds me against his chest.
We are lying in his bed, looking out over the Sound. It's mid-afternoon and the sun is beginning to shine into the western-facing room.
"It's going well, actually," I reply with an amused laugh.
"Good, I'm glad you aren't going to be homeless," He teases and I elbow him in the ribs. He chuckles and I feel him roll onto his back. "Did you get a lawyer?" he asks.
I turn to face him and prop myself on my elbow. His hair is messy and tangled across the pillow and the stubble on his face is beginning to resemble a beard. I run my finger along his jaw and say, "I went to legal aid downtown. I get to stay in my place for another year," I explain.
"Glad he could help you," he says and bites my finger as it passes over his mouth.
"'She, you sexist pig," I tease. He rolls his eyes playfully and pulls me onto his chest. I shriek from the movement and he pins me under him. "Well, I'm glad it's a chick. I don't want to have to kick his ass," he murmurs into my neck as he pins me to the mattress. I wrap my thighs around him and he leans his weight onto his elbows.
"I liked her," I say as he looks down into my eyes. "I asked her to get a drink with me.."
His eyebrows raise and he says, "Whoa, do I need to be worried?"
I giggle and shake my head."I want to talk to her about how to change my life," I admit and look to the side.
He rolls off me then leans on his elbow to listen to me.
"I want to go to college, I don't want to live this way anymore," I explain.
He nods. "I can pay for you to go to school, Jen," he offers.
I turn my face on the pillow and his warm brown eyes are steady and reassuring. I shake my head, "no, I need to do this on my own," I say as I touch his cheek. "But thank you."
He kisses my fingers and says, "Well, the offer still stands. When are you meeting her?"
"Tonight before my shift. I still need to find somewhere to take her downtown," I muse.
He rolls out of the bed and begins dressing. "I'm kind of surprised that you are going to talk to her about this," he murmurs as he bends down for his jeans.
"Yeah, me too actually. What's weird is I swear I have seen her somewhere before, I feel like I know her," I admit and throw my legs over the side of his bed. I step down onto the cold hardwood floor and feel a shiver down my spine.
"Like in a past life?" He asks, his tone is sarcastic.
"No, like I have seen her in the paper or something, you dick." I laugh and toss his shirt at him. It hits him in the face and he smiles down at me.
He chuckles, "She is probably one of those billboard attorneys: In a jam? Call Pam! "he mocks. "Got problems with the Jury? Call Shirley!"
"Oh my god, stop," I say laughing, "please stop."
"Why do you need to meet downtown? Have her meet you down here," He says as he pulls his shirt over his head.
"She doesn't have a car," I explain.
"That's fuckin weird," He mumbles and leaves the bedroom.
"She's not from here," I yell down the hall at him as I finish dressing.
I meet him in the kitchen and he has the refrigerator door open.
"Hmm, I guess it's beer for breakfast," he says and hands me one.
I shake my head and kiss him on the cheek. "I need real food and a shower."
"I only got one of those here," He says with a sheepish grin.
"I better go home and get changed for tonight," I reply and see that it is almost 5 PM. My hours at the club turn me into a night owl and I hate sleeping the day away like this, but Sean seems to be used to it.
"What are you going to wear for drinks with In peril? Call Cheryl?" He asks and wiggles his eyebrows up at me. I wrap my arms around his neck and say, "Just a thong," then place a loud kiss on his lips.
---------
Once I'm home I call Wrenna's work number and see if she is still free to meet me at a little hole-in-the-wall bar down the street from the legal aid office. I figured this would be the most convenient for both of us even though it means I have to drive downtown.
She tells me that she will be done at 6 PM and will meet me there. I dress quickly in jeans, one of Sean's flannel shirts, and an oversized leather jacket. I hop in my car and pray there isn't any traffic on the bridge.
I parallel park outside the bar, jog across the road, and push the heavy wood door open. Wrenna waves at me from the bar where she already has a drink in hand. The old weathered bartender is leaning across the bar talking to her, a smitten look in his eyes. I smile and wave back at her.
She slides off the leather stool and the bartender resumes his chores.
"Jen!" She says to me cheerfully and I feel myself smiling in return. It's hard not to melt under Wrenna's charm. She hugs me and I realize that she is smaller than I remember. Her personality gives her a larger presence than her frame permits.
I sit next to her at the bar and ask her what she had ordered.
"I have absolutely no idea," she admits. I take the cup from her and smell its contents. The strong, sweet aroma of rum burns my nostrils.
"I think you are drinking straight rum, Wrenna!" I laugh. Warm laughter emits from her and she pushes it away. "Maybe I should just get some water, I have a pretty crappy tolerance for alcohol," she admits and her cheeks redden.
I order her and me two waters and two Budweisers. She laughs when she sees the beer and says, "I haven't had one of these for a while." Her voice trails off nostalgically.
I don't want to pry but part of me just can't help but ask, "When was the last time?"
"Hmm?" She says, clearly lost in her own thoughts.
"When was the last time you had one of these?" I say and tap my nails against the label.
She laughs and says, "The last time I had one of these I was with a boy who had a shirt just like that on." She says and points at Sean's flannel under my jacket.
"I would have expected you to have been with a guy in a polo," I say and grin at her.
She throws her head back and laughs. "They are all scumbags no matter what they wear. They fuck around behind your back, they play games, they string you the fuck along..." She shakes her head and tips the beer back. She drinks about half of it before setting it down.
"Fuck, I was going to ask you for life advice," I tease and she laughs heartily and squeezes my arm.
"Well, I'm clearly awful at relationship advice," She says. "What life advice were you going to ask?"
I look down at the beer and I feel all the confidence leave me. Remembering Courtney's words that it is okay to ask for help, I take a deep breath and straighten my shoulders.
"How did you go to college?" the words fall out of my mouth in a rush, fearing that if I hold them in I will lose the confidence to ask.
She smiles at me slowly. "What do you want to study?" She asks.
"I want to teach kids," I answer.
Her smile widens. "What age?"
"Elementary," I say and realize that I already feel hopeful. Just admitting my dream aloud makes it almost feel like it is achievable.
"You'd be amazing at that," She says."It's cheaper to go to a community college for your general education classes then later transfer to the university for the courses that are specific to teaching elementary education. You can apply for scholarships and grants to pay for it, then take out a loan for the rest. It's doable, Jen," She says and smiles at me.
"Can you help me? I have no idea where to start. I just know I can't be a stripper anymore," I sigh.
She leans over and pats my thigh. My eyes meet hers and she says, "You aren't your job, Jen."
I feel my eyes well up, surprised that she understood my fear. She leans over and hugs me tightly.
She sits back down on the leather stool and says. "Let's meet this week and see what you need to enroll."
I nod, "Thank you so much, Wrenna."
She smiles and shrugs. "What are friends for, right?" She winks at me and asks the bartender for the tab.
I really like her and feel like Sean would too. She is warm and nonjudgmental, definitely not a billboard lawyer like he was jesting. Also, I want her to have a fun time while she is here.
"How about you come out with me and my boyfriend Sunday night? A friend of ours and his new band are playing at the Crocodile, you should come and have an authentic Seattle night." I say as we rise from the leather stools.
"It's not a grunge band though, right?" She asks with a laugh.
"No, he said it is a 'psychedelic, bluesy monster,'" I reply.
"That is quite the description," She chuckles. "Sounds fun."