"He's so cool."
The more I understood Cognitive Psychology, the clearer the picture came to solving Christian's mental illness. For lack of a better word, that is. His mind, the events that took place shaping how his mental growth progressed came a bit easier as I continued reading on in my textbook. It brought an outline of human intelligence, his, and how he thought of the world of himself, of anything really.
Watching him run around with a small, red blanket around his neck, as if a cape, brought quite a delight to my lips. And to our dad who stressed himself out way too much doing paperwork and bills at the other end of the dinner table. Mom would help if she wasn't working a case right now – being a lawyer and all. So being an architect left more room for personal endeavors such as this.
It pained me knowing the economic struggles we had back in Arizona and I promised myself now that were here, in Clarence, that I'd do anything to repay back the strength my parents had kept them and their three children afloat for so long. Getting me through high school and into College – though I vowed for part of a stake in the latter.
Every time I offered, "I can get a job, you know," like I used to. He kept on replying with, "No. It's not worth it for my son to work a 9-5 hob when he can get and education and actually put it to good use here. That will pay us off." They're lucky now they have jobs they enjoyed and rather me not find one for the sake of money or to pay them off. They wanted me to be a successful Psychologist and maybe because I worked one too many hours and hit overtime when I used to work.
Don't blame the ones who scheduled me, I just did what I needed to do in order to feel financially stable throughout my College years and be able to repay my family with gifts for the holidays or their birthdays I'd always make from scratch. Though I still do that nowadays, it was nice every once in a while that I bought them something nice.
"You're a super boy, Christian!" Then my eyes peered to Dallas, an eight year old girl who far surpassed her little brother's mental growth. She knew, too, for a girl her age. And to always include him in anything with her friends was always heartwarming.
The comparison between their mental progressing was ridiculous and even through a tough search through family tress on both my parents' side, we couldn't understand how Christian came down to it. The worry was far less, however, since it never affected his health as a whole, just how his mind aged. So you could guess by the time he reached high school, he'd have the mentality of that of probably a ten year old, six years his physical age.
It was just a year ago, when he was five, when he first spoke. The strange thing about it was that it was like, five years' worth of a normal child growth happened in a span of a year. Sounds out there, sounds unrealistic for a child to grow like that, to not have spoken until he was five and form complete sentences till his sixth birthday. Then to have him walk at four and yet understand good and bad and emotions.
That puzzled me far more. It made all that I've said earlier irrelevant and that made no sense. Still I felt close to understanding even a fraction of it.
It was like, his mind progressed at a slower rate and yet bam, in just some spur of the moment it kicked in and accelerated a few years. Then it stopped and a slow burn again. Like what? Part of the reason for going into Psychology, a part from what I said, was that understanding my brother's mentality was very important. A vital reason. I loved him so much and understanding one part of it left me confused with another.
This was honestly the best way to describe it, how I described it to myself. Why did Psychology have to be so damn complicated and way more perplexed? This was why I'd fail. I was so sure of it. Having an educated boyfriend in said field would've have helped me – knowing all the distractions that might come forth in our relationship.
"Well, aren't you just a beefcake now. Ha, ha." I noted my dad wasn't even in his chair when I looked up, but at the door. The bell rang? I got up and walked over to see who it was and maybe I shouldn't have. "Son, why didn't tell me your boyfriend transformed from a skeleton to a Greek God?" Now while this shirtless Greek God Princess laughed his butt off, a slight curiosity of mine stared back at my dad.
"Well... you saw him yesterday night...?" He confused me... so much. My dad. If not more than Leone.
Can't say I was surprised with, or what he tried saying next. "So, Chance, what are your intentions-"
"Okay!" Yeah, I moved in and shoved him out of the way. Then I closed the door behind me, stepping out with Chance. Damn this man for the body determination supplied and a grin so sexy my lips would for sure burn against his. Plain and simple. Damn him. But then, if my lips burned, wouldn't that be a medical problem he'd have to check out?
Was I just being crazy? Of course.
"So, uh..." I cleared my throat. "What's with... this?" My hands gestured his entire body, leaving but an inch away. "Not that this isn't impressive. Well, it's sexy but I mean, not like I wanna feel you but I mean..." Oh, I should've shut my mouth by now. His laughing sure never helped eased the embarrassment and blush red cheeks. Leone and Levy had it easy since blushing never showed.
Poor me.
"I thought, if you weren't busy, we could go to the beach today," he said once he calmed down. "I don't have anything to do today, so..."
After a bit of hesitance recollecting my thoughts, I replied. "Don't you and Arthur do Archery?"
"He's caught up with bills and such." Wow, was today like an international day for grownups, unlike myself, to do bills? Granted, it just my dad and Arthur as of now, but still. Probably Chris' parents, Levy's. Rafael or even Shana – haven't seen those two in a while. "And we never had a date yet and I don't wanna wait too long." We never really had alone time as friends anyway and I perked up at the idea so I agreed.
Not because I wanted to see his body glisten in the sunlight like it did now or watch the ocean torch it like I once saw. Not only because of that. So get your dirty mind out of the gutter and stop being a Chris. No, don't do it. Besides, who knows when the day would turn out like this again; warm, beautiful and free of any clouds.
Winter sure crept up around the corner.
In the time I went upstairs, packed all sorts of things for a random beach day and came back down to him and trying to understand why my dad seemed so cherry when we said bye, it was clear as day. Never mind the fact when Chance held Christian in his arms, the little man's fingers grazing his chest and then Dallas about to faint like a school girl. Never mind the fact I admired his muscles flexing ever so slightly with as little movement he made and the imagery of him holding my brother like that. Like a father – a pre-DILF, if I might add. So let's never mind the fact how warming of Chance my dad was compared to how he reacted with Leone.
But oh, father, how I worried I might never be married or last long with another man. We were on the road when Chance felt obliged to share a little personal moment between him and dad. "So, you're dad slipped me a condom." As always, my eyes rolled.
So very patiently I waited for when the time came that my dad won father of the year. Imagine the kind of speech he'd make, burning my own cheeks for that matter. I'd shrivel up in my mom's arms, watching her shake her head. If it came time for his kids to talk, I think I'd know what to say.
"So now you know my dad in a nutshell – if it wasn't obvious at Arrow or even first glance." Oh, father, father, father... The pain in my cheeks ceased to ease.
Especially when he said, "Your dad and I are the same size." All he saw when he took a quick glance was my hidden face. Thank god for reflective windows. "Just saying." Knowing that little fact, I was glad sex would've been the last on our mind. I didn't need, even the slightest thought, to compare the size of my dad – who's I've seen as a little kid – to Chance.
Imagine the intensity of my awkwardness in that moment, when I'm top or he is or whatever. Just. Imagine. That.
Severe levels of embarrassment, a reddened face and my awkwardness would call for a month's stay a local hospital. Nope.
Just the words, "Logan can match a black man; I think your mother's lucky," from Shana one time came back. Oh, how I tried forgetting that one.
On the upside, I at least knew his size. I think that was an upside. Kind of shivered at the thought of sex, his big frame against my average one. Would I just be crushed in all ways? By his entirety?
Jeez...
"He also said he'd kick my ass if I gave you any diseases," he added. "I love your dad." Loving his protective ways got hard every day.
Throughout the months I've been exploring parts of the city Tori hadn't the time to show and now came Vice Beach. Her plans to come here for the summer were cancelled due to personal reasons and ever since looking up the pictures or hearing more of her or Levy's adventures – even up at Canadian beaches on par with this one - I've wanted to live it myself. My family hasn't visited a beach since a long while ago, when Christian was but a little toddler.
Last of the summer breeze warmed, tingled and kissed my face when we got there and got out. Not too hot and not too cold. Just right. "Sounds like dad."
A soft chuckle left his lips. "How's Christian doing?"
"Good." Always smiling. Always happy. "Never stops being himself."
"Ha, ha. And you?"
"Besides these tests and studying killing me. I'm good, too."
He seemingly paused for a second. "Did I put you on the spot yesterday?" he asked and I looked at him. He stopped at an intersection and his eyes soon turned to mine. "I'M sorry if I did, I was just... curious. The rest of the guys feel a lot of different things about me."
Why should he be sorry? "Don't be, Princess. You were curious."
Every now and again the sight of his cute smile warmed my heart. He started going when the light turned green. "That's good to know, Goddess." However, I found it strange how the atmosphere tensed with awkwardness. We've been alone a couple of times, but on a date? Like this? A random, surprise one at that. The difference showed far more clearly here.
Now while the banter between us thickened with humoured jokes and playful teases, something else nestled my nose about the atmosphere. Then again, we were beginners in this relationship, together for the first time trying things out. It's been a hefty while since we both been in relationships. But he was clearly not new to sex and I've, not purposely, abstained from it. I heard a few times how he went casual for a couple of weeks or months throughout the years.
Curious on how that what went down considering his mental stability. Though he hasn't had any in a year, as he once told me, he was far better than me and it scared me more about it. One of these days and the dread lingered for a good moment. I could tell he noted my hitched breathing at random intervals but chose not to ask out of respect, no doubt.
Then again, I theorized the idea of how I shut him down. When he asked if we were ever going to talk about my history with Leone. That might've caused a slight dent and all the questions stored in his mind must've burned him out, like the mystery he held – how I came a bit closer every day. Like a snail than a turtle did the clues come into place. At least with a turtle I'd figured it out in about a year instead of a thousand.
But... whatevs. We were here.
The smooth, crystal like appearance shimmering in the sun's happiness, tickled my feet. The tanned sand looked mighty gorgeous with its surroundings almost like a paradise island. An island for Amazons or something – one thing the journal talked about as well. Breathing in the fresh, clean air with a hint of salt water my ears trained on its splosh and my eyes mesmerized by its clear, glassy reflection.
Refreshing.
No wonder he parked near the foot of the beach. This was Vice Beach in all its glory. The name was fitting. The whole view brightened as a beauty and the water came closer. Not because of its tide but it actually got closer. Until I realized, and felt, the soft caress of Chance's thumb on the back of my hand, his intertwined in mine. Leading me down the beach as my feet soaked against the smooth, tanned rocks again. Soon to soak in the water and it did.
At first I was hesitant because I never really learned how to swin. My mom tried teaching me but the fears controlled everything back then. The thought of drowning dreaded my mind, feeling like one of the worst ways to leave the Earth and everyone behind like that. So sudden and quick where the air betrayed you and the water sought revenge.
Those were the type of nightmares that haunted me and crept back up at this very moment. But then Chance... simply Chance.
He stopped, knowing my fear showed and faced me. His body an inch away from mine. "You're not going to drown." The serenity in his eyes just now calmed the nerve-wracking heart but these fears crawled back up still and I hadn't realized I shook in spot. Though a little, felt kind of embarrassing. Tori knew how to swim, Dallas did at her young age and knowing Chance's family, he of course, knew. And I didn't.
Yet I loved beaches. Like, what?
"But if you don't want-"
"Teach me," I said. Rather than contemplating my own fears, the kicked up beats against my chest because of his closeness and secure eyes and the fears again, I needed a step to break out. We needed that step; working towards a goal we both agreed on.
Can't always back out of things I feared and let my immature leak out again. My security was safe with this man, I had to realize that. With whom gave another type of security I never understood until just a few days ago.
Slow, yet assuring, he nodded, leading me in the water. Cold, refreshing and relaxant against my feet, the cool, odd warmth crept up my skin. With a firm grasp around my waist, keeping my head afloat, he breathed in synch with me. Most likely than not, trying to keep me calm and relaxed and content in his arms.
That I was.
"You doing okay?" he asked. The slight glint of vulnerability in his eyes caught me off guard. Calm and collected, yes, but always a hostile view at something or someone. Maybe that ex of his or Shane – the logical choice. This was just something nice to see, a comfort I smiled in.
"Yeah... I'm doing okay. I'm not drowning. So I think you're a good teacher."
A grin widened his lips and an arch came to a brow of his. "You think, eh?" He let me go for a good minute and my arms immediately flailed. I felt like my fears were coming to life until he held me again and I composed myself. I eyed him so hard and heavy. "What? Did you think I'd let you slip?"
"You could've killed me. You could've killed me. You're rude."
"Am I really?" Ugh, will he stop going low and husky like that? It made it hard being mad at him for having my blood on his hands. See if I didn't choke out his laughter. "I'm sorry, darling."
"Don't call me darling. Not even Goddess."
"Why not, darling? I'm the only one keeping you afloat."
"Yeah, for now."
Every time he laughed harder than usual, he'd pull his head back and echo out what amused him so much. Found it kind of cute but no, I was still mad. That was a life threatening situation right there and he could've been the one to end my life. Imagine the kind of guilt he'd get and how long he'd live. Forget my dad, Tori would bludgeon him with anything.
"You act like I want to kill. I'd die if I did."
"By Tori, then castrated and burned by my father. That's how you're going to die and you won't like it."
Hearing his laugh again, so loud and quite charming, I still wanted to choke it out. Don't think I wasn't mad anymore just because we were joking around. This boy, yes, boy was going to die by my hands instead of theirs. Hm.
Now as Chance slowly removed his hands and backed away, he gestured me to follow. First getting the hang of floating and then moving ever so slightly with my hands and feet kicking in the water. His smile grew when the distance closed. Mine did, too, knowing how easy it became and at how faster I moved each time we did this.
Far from it, perfect seemed to fit him. I first thought young love talked again but no. Saying how perfect he was differed from how I used to think Leone was perfect. That's not to mean he was perfect in every regard, but perfect in the sense that there was quality in him. A quality no words described but his actions defined it. If that made any sense whatsoever because I was just spitballing here.
One thing stuck at the back of my mind crawled back up when we got out, grabbed our towels from the car and dried off. So I asked it, in expectance that rejection was forthcoming. "Who used to be your first love?" Regret washed over quick with how his face reflected the questioned. But after all, he knew mine, or who I thought I loved and I didn't know his or his history with that person.
For all I knew, it could've been a girl first. He could've went through that phase, or still had a thing for girls now.
Then a slight uncomfortable twitch washed over him and I left it at that. Didn't expect him to reply and instead apologized for even asking in the first place.
"No, don't be sorry. I'm sorry," he said. "It was just... I don't wanna remember it." Remember the person who motivated and encouraged him but not the history of the relationship itself.
Easy understanding that now. He went through a tough break-up, as evident as that was, in high school where everything felt like you were stuck in a midlife crisis the whole four years. Or how ever long high school was to others around the globe. It didn't make College any better because the drama continued on – just different levels with the same characters.
Distracting our minds from the uncomfortable subject, we walked over to a little shop stationed on the beach. From hotdogs to burgers to salads and desserts, we both got ice cream in cones. His cookies and cream and my plain old vanilla. Smiles were illuminating all around us with some eyes on our backs and that's where I got a bit tense.
Chance's damning grin which I'm sure would get old to everyone else and the way he treated me with his actions and sense of humour and his voice... that voice, man... most eyes were on him. But this only reassured how I wasn't use to any of this and I quite liked it.
Then for whatever random thought clustered in his mind as my eyes peered out back on the beautiful ocean, my left cheek went cold. Wet and squishy, too, so I turned and met deadpanned eyes and straight lips. Brewing with laughter, my smiled turned curious and I tried keeping it in. So I moved my face back, turned more and bit half his ice cream and the worry dawned pretty fast on his face.
"You bit half my ice cream..." he said. Like I had a choice!
Okay, I did, but he started it. "Well-"
"Don't well me. I have no ice cream now."
I gestured the other edible half. "Do you not have eyes, Princess?"
"Of course not." But he went on eating like I hadn't listened to a damn word. "So are you going to buy me more ice cream?"
He wasn't serious with life. Crazy like his sister. "Fine, fine. You can have half of mine," I offered. Kept my voice as vague as possible.
"But it could be contaminated."
"Like yours isn't? Like, what? Hello?"
The genetic different between him and Tori never seemed so skewed anymore. I think I'd die if I dated a Tori. Like, no. One was enough for me.
"But my mouth is splendoriously clean for all intent and purposes." Was splendoriously even a word here?
However, besides the non-existent word, this was an opportunity. The slight courage I pulled in myself to peck his lips and watched them grow wider if that was possible. "Not anymore," I said.
"Hm, nah. I don't think so." So I kissed him again. "I think I have, like, a protective condom on my lips."
This guy... "You're not getting another kiss." The shift in him I liked.
He pouted. A new thing on his face and I wasn't quite sure I liked it, or loved how cute it was. Which was basically the same thing as liking it. "Oh, come on. I think I deserve at least one more."
"Nope, nope." With closed eyes and straighten lips, I turned my head away from him. Teasing him was more fun than I thought and I never knew I had it in me at all. Brought back a bit of memories. But a clasp under my chin turned my head back and my eyes opened the minute his lips touched mine.
"Hey, my lovely pretties!" a voice screeched the air. We panned our surroundings and questioned who it was targeted to. Then we heard our names, "Chance! Tommy!" And from the far distance from where Chance parked his car, Tori and the guys came into focus – all looking might fine. The level of anger Chance expressed was something else. That's all I could get from how supressed it looked. "How dare you guys have a beach day without your sexy beasts?" she asked once closer. "Okay, well, I'm the only sexy beast here anyway."
"Excuse you?" Chris said.
"And you're excused, Chrissy." She patted his chest and winked, but he wasn't having none of it. At least, he tried showing her that but the evidence in his face clearly suggested otherwise. "So, anyway, now that the gang's all together, you boys can run along now. I need Thomas for a few minutes."
Arched eyebrows, scrunched up nose, a shade of red layered on his face. Chance quickly asked, "Why?"
"Oh, please, will you calm down. I'm just here to talk to the guy and you're the one who hadn't invited us."
"We honestly didn't even know you guys were even here," Levy said.
Tori sauntered over and took me by the arm anyway. "So we'll be back. Have fun, boys." A lot questions were on what was so important, or otherwise we'd join them. But I sighed, knowing how our little date was no more after they showed up. And no doubt Chance disliked the idea they were here.
Like he said, we haven't been on a date and he didn't want to wait too long and I wanted this, too. So I hoped we'd have an actual date sometime before the year ended. If not, there was time anyway.
Watching Leone hit it off with some redheaded girl, I was right. All this talk about loving him, wishing for a second chance and yet he went and did this? Yeah fucking right. But to say I was just pissed about it wasn't true, I was glad. He was moving on, seeking new partners and I'd hoped he'd learn his mistakes. Hoped our friendship would somehow rekindle again and we'd go back to being bros like before.
I doubted it anyway. His glares, constant sly remarks as subtle as Thomas' blushing were beating against my patience again. The constants quick shots over at Tori and Thomas down west of Vice Beach, Oh, man... even all of these guys were beating against it. First thing when I saw them, I wanted to understand why, then figured how messy it'd turn out afterward. Why would I want more useless drama? Especially so far in College like this.
I shut myself up – supressed my own anger for once. Amazed myself actually. I could read on Chris and Levy's face how they knew of it and instead not bothered to pander me about it, for the better. Might as well put on smiles and laughs and have a great time than to sulk because I couldn't have this day with Thomas. What would be the point of that anyway, right?
On other important things, I got out my seat and reminded the guys I'd be back. Oliver was supposed to call today, since the last my session was we were to keep in contact every Saturday. Mostly how boring it was without me there, taking up more than half the day 'cause otherwise, all he got were just three quick sessions with addicts. But because I had plans, which didn't turn out how I wanted, I figured I'd call him back since I had the time.
My damn sister was off my boyfriend.
I reached my car and dabbled the keys in the driver's door. Once that was open, I reached into the glove compartment for my phone and dialed his number right away. The ring sang for a minute before his voice came in clear.
"Oh, hey, Chance," he began. "How're you doing?"
"Good, good."
"I thought you were with Thomas today at the beach? Did he cancel or something?"
"Oh, no, no. We are at the beach but, uh," I sighed, "the guys and Tori came. So there goes that," I said. "I didn't lash out at anyone for it, though. So I think I'm making progress here."
His chuckle echoed. "You were such little tempered child then and as a young adult. I'm quite glad."
"You should be. I can't imagine how many times you wanted to slap me."
"I've wanted to punch you for a long time."
Behind his serious professionalism, there was a humour untapped. I've seen and heard it a couple of times. The kind of comfort we have, besides just a therapist and his patient, I felt most of my own security came from it. "Well, thanks for that. I'll remember next time to not go easy on you if you did." And heard he was quite the boxer back in his prime.
After a bit of silence, he spoke up again. I figured there was something he wanted to talk about and half expected – knew – what it was. "Have you talked to him about yet...? Thomas?"
"It's been just a week..."
"Yeah, I know. But... I was just curious. There are times when you're so open and days were you seclude yourself. I just that maybe it was the former from how happy and comfortable he makes you," he said. Right as always. "That's what Tori keeps telling me."
Intrigue perked at her mentioning. "You guys still talk?"
"From time to time," he replied. "You know she watches over you like a hawk sometimes?"
I nod, but the chuckle assured him my answer. "Her and Chris. They're made for each other, I swear."
"Ha... and how are things with Leone? Any different?"
"He's a fucking idiot."
"So I take it it's not getting any stable." A pause came in between his next words, so I took it as he must've wanted to skip the subject for my sake. "But is school? Exams are close, right?"
School was... it just got tense. Midterms led into the exams. "Yeah. Right after midterms." I groaned. I did well so far but I could've done better. Thomas depended on it because he struggled a bit harder than I did and whenever he'd ask, I'd of course oblige. "We're doing sort of like, practical tests and theorizing a lot of different mental processes on personality."
"Come down one weekend, bring Thomas if you want, and I'll teach you guys a couple of things," he said. "There's a lot of rhetorical questions you ask yourself when in relation to psychology, because there are a lot of equations and theories built on top of one another to fully grasp the understanding of the human mind in all its form how someone's personality is, to the way they behave, from how they're just human. I'm open to anything."
"If I do come down, be prepared to answer a lot of questions – a lot from Thomas first." He reflected the soft chuckle I made and we then wrapped up our talk. I told him I was going to get something for little Olivier, him and his wife Christmas presents but he wanted no such thing. Little did he know? I was going to get them anyway.
Right after I left my phone back in the glove compartment, my muscles, my joints, they froze. My veins iced, and the slowness of my heart waiting for the inevitable drop and the very sound of his voice again. A voice readying to break my sanity as nothing seemed very clear in sight. Brewing up in my eyes, my vision distorted a little and far away did I figuratively scream for my friends, my boyfriend... my sister.
But everything ran dry and cold and oh so very tense. It was like his voice, than his fingers, laced a tiny prison around the heart and mind it killed.
That damn, fucking voice. Can't believe I fell for it, can't believe it was a weakness of mine. How fucking pathetic of me. "I'm happy for you. Your new boyfriend's clearly much better than I ever was."
Little by little my sandals screeched the floor, the unfortunate idea of turning around mortified me. Three years... four? And he's back? I expected... what the fuck did I even expect? Shane said he'd be back and I got too comfortable forgetting it.
But with the ounce of courage lingering around, my soft streaked the air and his sharp ears caught it. "Why are you guys even back...?" Felt like my conscious contemplated whether fight or flight were my options. Balled fists or trembling fingers? Which was it?
And those demon eyes... for a second I believed the sorrow and regret I saw flashed in them. My mind washed over that memory so many times I couldn't forget and never will I forgive. "I grew up here... Shane missed his family. And you know, I got some problems that I can't afford to stay where I am anymore. Clarence's affordable. What the fuck else am I supposed to do?"
"Die..." By my hands... or nature?
His sigh didn't fool me. Nothing would. All the tricks in the world wouldn't burn the last of my guard. "Shane's finding it difficult you won't forgive him or love him like the brother-"
"He's not my fucking brother..."
"He's your step-brother. Same damn thing." His feet edged closer and my stepped back. Seemed more likely flight would win out with me.
"Don't... don't come back here and haunt me like this... don't come back and talk to my friends who would destroy you in a matter of seconds and don't you fucking dare lay a single finger on my guy. So, please... get the fuck out of my life..." What a powerful voice I used... not. "You knew..." I breathed, a lot heavier than I normally would and swallowed a wad of lumps that ached my chest. "You knew what you were doing... stop don't act like your sorry and regretful. You're full of nothing but a twisted, fucked up mind."
Adrenaline pumped the veins in my neck once my heart dropped and carried me over in a rush back to the guys who stationed near where Thomas and I did. Of course I dried my eyes as best as I could and couldn't even believe myself. I stayed near him, that close, as long as I did and got a lot of the courage and strength I worked hard for over these years to talk back like that. I couldn't believe none of it. Almost felt like I hadn't waken up and everything I felt, from Thomas' touch, his warmth, his lips... the smiles and happiness on the guys' face and hearing Oliver again... it was like one of those dreams you have, all peaceful and beautiful until it twists itself into a night you'd never forget.
So self-aware that I was in a dream and yet everything was so surreal.
"You okay, buddy?" I calmed more from Chris' voice and shrugged his question off.
"Yeah... I'm fine," I said. "It's nothing, Chris. Don't worry, alright?" Chins up, smiles on, like my mother used to say to Tori and I as kids. They'd never know the pain behind a beautiful smile, the horror these eyes saw. I'd never let them.
All they'd know was that they were coming back to town. When and why, they'd never know.
Chris excluded us a few feet away. "Don't you dare lie to me again. You think I don't see when my brother's shaken up? C'mon..." The answer lied in my eyes and all he had to do was continue searching until his widened with sudden realization. "You saw him... he's here?"
Slow, but a nod, nonetheless. Then I shrugged. "Don't do anything about it... okay? Thomas-"
"Tell him already!" His voice raised and yet kept hushed. "How long are you keeping the guy in the dark? One of these either you're gonna lose it or Levy, Tori and I will. I'm pretty sure Leone still cares and he might to and Thomas is just going to be so confused and you know what will happen next? You'll be single again. C'mon, man..."
"I-I can't. I-I can't bring myself to do it," I said. "And I'm not gonna lose it. I won't try."
"Yeah, you won't. But you are," he said. Stern eyes, strong hushed voice and death grip on my arms. People used to think we loved each other, more than we cared to realize it was just a brotherly bond when we weren't blood-related. Took me back to the time he was serious about experimenting, and just for my sake but for the burning curiosity and confusion he couldn't supress any longer. Took me back to the time he once lashed out a fist, a natural reflex of how pissed he was at me for crawling back in depression's arms back this time last year or so.
He just reminded me how I loved so like I loved Tori being there since the beginning and it pained me knowing how he was right. Any day now I'd be single and so much for wanting to explore a relationship, one where we'd be equal and I'd get back in the game and I'd learn what love actually was. What it meant and how it felt and how it played along with life.
So I didn't know what to do with my life just now than to just keep on pretending like there wasn't a bigger picture in front of Thomas' eyes. Letting these guys lie for a little while longer till I was comfortable because let's face it. After seeing him, I wasn't ready. Not one bit and Chris had to understand that.
And he did. "You're lucky I love you. I hope you remember that and I hope it kills you before I actually do." A smirk grew on his face and he left and yes, it pained me a lot.
These guys of mine were everything. My family. Sooner or later, I'd have to let Thomas in if I wanted this relationship. And I'd have to build another wall, a strong layer where fear couldn't leak through its cracks and strain parts of conscious anymore. A new wall where real courage and strength stood so I'd one day stomach the sight and feel sober in the presence of those two. Because now all on my mind were the thought that they were here to stay and I couldn't do jack shit about it.
Wonder what Tori wanted to talk to Thomas about... They're not even on the beach when I pan the area.
First there was a little shop on the beach. Second, she decided to leave me with the drinks she ordered for the bathroom and third, I had to process everything she told me multiple times. Like, damn, Alison. I need to see that girl again. "This girl," I said quietly to myself.
It boggled me way too much for my own good. Like one of those juicy gossip stories cheerleaders would throw around in a teen drama or something. I read too many of those cliché disasters. Though some were really good – even with a cliché.
When I took a seat near the window, peering out on the beach, I caught sight of the guys fooling around with each other. Seemed like Chance wasn't angry anymore and that was a good thing.
"Hey," a voice drawled from behind and I turned, "if you don't mind, may I sit next to you. I just need to charge my phone and that's like, the only one of two outlets here." I looked over to the other side and saw one being used by two people and so I allowed him. He towered over me, and I knew this because of how high he reached the ceiling. This was a small café, defined by its size and its limited menu.
But attractive, yes. He sat down in the corner seat and plugged in his phone, occasionally taking quick shots at me. I sort of blushed at the attention because I've never had it. Or I've never really paid much attention to other guys checking me out and his eyes sure did. His brown eyes weren't as captivating as Leone's or Levy's, but they were mighty beautiful and questionable.
"Why do you keep looking at me?" I asked, a shy smirk playing my lips.
"I can't help that you're cute, that's all." I honestly wondered if having a boyfriend just made me ten times more attractive. Was that it? Or another one of my crazy, improbably thoughts? "That and I think I've seen you somewhere before."
Clearly the latter here, Thomas. Clearly.
"Do you go to Henrick?" I asked.
"Not till next year. January," he said. "Or maybe I'm just tryna flirt with you." Oh my God... a man trying to flirt with me. That was new.
Am I ten times more attractive? Oh, the questions. And oh, the slight blush red cheeks.
"So... uh, w-what are you majoring in?" Can't believe I even had confidence to continue the surprise conversation.
"Therapy and Counselling," he replied. "Past experiences have just... I'd like to understand others and the kinds of mental illness and problems they have, you know? Kind similar to a psychologist."
"That's what I'm doing. I love the foundation of psychology. Though I'm not as bright as I want to be in said program, but I'm getting there."
When he chuckled, my ears sort of curled. He had that affect, too, with his voice and I just met him. Man, voices were just a weakness and if I didn't just notice the fine chest on display through his t-shirt, I would've been just fine throughout our talk. "So are those drinks for you?"
"What? Oh, no," I answered. "My best friend and I are getting drinks for our friends. And our boyfriends." I hesitated there because – you were going to get tired of this – I was new to this. At first I wondered about his reaction but nothing came out of the ordinary than a slow curve to his lips.
"I swear, all the attractive guys are taken by other men." His short lived laugh was sweet and infectious. He looked down on his phone then back up at my eyes. "Mind if I ask his name?"
"Chance."
His eyes intrigued at my answer. "I've... dated a Chance once. Back in high school, actually. But I fucked that up."
Now I was interested. "What did you do?" I asked. "If you don't mind me asking."
"Sort of cheated on him with his older brother. Now I know how awful that was of me and I haven't been in a relationship since." Well, that was quite open of him. A real, logical reason he'd never get back his Chance. I honestly didn't think too many were named Chance, but bam, small world. "If I ever saw him again... I wished I could take it all back and start over, tell him I'm sorry and that I did, in fact, loved him."
If Tori was here now instead of taking a dump, it seemed, she would've been all ears in this guy's history. Clear to me, and how he and differed in terms of confidence and openness – other than the slight sudden shifts he made peering past my shoulder. Felt rather weird but hey, I could make a few more friends here and there. I'd be driven mad with ones I have now.
"Well," I began, feeling quite bad for him, "if you ever get to see your Chance again, maybe you should try to talk things out with him. Even if he has someone new. A friendship that's valued goes beyond a relationship in my books." If things never worked out between Chance and I, I think I'd be content with being friends. Good friends.
He looked as if in thought, checking his phone again. He then unplugged it after tapping his screen and pulled himself up out of his seat. His extended arm reached over the table and I shook it. "I'm Anthony."
"Thomas."
"I might see you around sometime, if not at Henrick," he said. "Thanks for the talk." And he took his leave after that.
A few minutes later Tori reached me, tapping on my shoulder behind and we left back to the guys. All but Leone with some girl were in the water fooling around. Some girl he talked to earlier, I believe. I was kind of glad he seemed to be moving on.
"Aren't they so cute together?" Tori asked in a whisper.
"I guess," I said.
Out of all the things she could've done, she had left me to gather the guys for their drinks. While I stayed back with Leone and his new girl. Could you say, awkward? Yes.
"Viola!" a group of high pitched voices called out and I turned. A group of girls from the east stood a good distance from us and the girl peered over from her head being nestled in the crook of his neck. Before she left him for her friends, it looked like they exchanged numbers and I could've looked away. Not paid them any attention but it burned me wondering if he was actually moving on and over it.
I think I spoke for everything when I said we were over the drama and didn't need any more fights. The cut on Chance's brow healed pretty well and from the looks of it, after Viola left, Leone's bruise did, too. Now came the inevitable, dreading silence accompanying the two of us as we watched Tori wrestle with the guys. No doubt she tried her best getting them to listen.
"You know muscles aren't everything, right?" he asked and here came the eye rolls. First thing he said to me had to be that. That was wonderful. "Six packs don't mean a thing. He's more brawn than brain."
"Why does the first thing out of your mouth have to undermine Chance at any cost?" I asked, my eyes on the guys and Tori's tough struggle. Her screams reached far and wide and echoed in the air. "And what does that make you anyway? You have muscles. With the way you've been acting, you've been brawn over brains, too."
He edged a bit closer. "But I'm slimmer than he is-"
"And you still have muscles and some sort of a six pack." He acted like Chance's were as defined like a bodybuilder or something and I liked that it wasn't. "I don't know what you're trying to say. If you know him, you'd know he's more than just that. And if you knew me, you'd know I could care less about it because I'm more of a chest guy, remember? But that's not the problem here. You're making it very difficult for us to ever be friends."
A quiet, not unheard breath escaped in the air. From the corner of my eyes, his weren't on me anymore and instead out in the distance, watching Tori's struggle yet again. It amused me, lightened the tense atmosphere he had to drop.
"Thomas..."
"Can you please just drop this?" I asked, now that Tori finally got the guys out of the water and approached us. "Let's not fight over the fact you can't let me go. You found a girl, so make it happen with her. You're not a high school nigga anymore; you're a grown man." As I'd like to believe. "Midterms and exams aren't the best of times for any of this."
No response came from him and as the guys got closer, he laid back and closed his eyes. That's when I looked at him and wondered how the hell I'd survive being his roommate if kept this up. It got tiring but the minute I met Chance's gaze and a damning grin I'll never be able to reword differently, I relaxed.
I was going to enjoy the best of this day and hoped Leone would, too.