Dry. Headache. Dry. Painful. Blurry. Muscles. He had muscles. Muscles to move. Eyes. He could open them, again, once again, another day, hell of a day…
Voices…voices…voices some voices were around. Around him. Close to him. People. Since when were there people around him? They might have moved him from his cell alone…
Eyes…eyes…CHAY!
His heart throbbed. His brain saw red. Chay here, man. Someone. CHAY!
Porsche began to shake from anger, he crawled in a fast and not predictable movement, pulling in Porchay’s arm, kicking the other person and falling down again on the ground, not the mattress, jailing his little brother in his arms. Porsche was still shaking, his eyes red, his nerves were breaking.
Kinn looked at him. He didn’t feel anything, he had stumbled a small amount from the surprise but not enough to make him fall. He was uncomfortable with this traumatised part of the world. He didn’t know what to do, what to say, how to react. He was fierce. Kinn could guess even if he had a fragile body now, his behaviour would be a menace. He heard Porchay trying to talk and he just walked away. He would be safe, for sure Porchay would be in security with his protective brother back.
"Hia…Hiaaaa…Hia! He's a friend…a friend…Hia…" The more he talked, the more Porchay felt the hug losing its strength. "Hia, you're in security…you are…" He added, slowly embracing him in his own arms and cradling him again. It worked. It might work again. Porsche was breathing loudly, trying to recover from his panic, his lungs hurt and his emotions were sobbing.
Porchay began to cry himself, he didn’t know if it was because he was relieved to have found him or if he was devastated witnessing his state. It still felt unreal, for him, to think that all of those years he had suffered alone, in all weathers, in all states, hunger strangling him and the violence eating his soul, but he finally walked back home, his only home whatever the place would always be where Porsche was, now Kim too.
With his reaction to Kinn, Porchay had no idea how he would react to Kim being his lover, approaching him, kissing him, or being close. He would think about this later, now he needed to focus on the trembling man in his arms which had begun to calm down.
"Chay…let me see…" Porsche said, pulling away from the hug and cupping his baby's cheeks who wasn’t a baby anymore but he could still see the roundness on his face, he didn’t lose it. He stared in his eyes and those eyelashes were still long and that chin, Porsche caressed it, and that jaw, it was like an adult face, it had been worked on by all of the fight or run to not die situation he had been through. Porsche's eyes had an unspeakable expression. It was too deep to be described and yet it felt as if the void still didn’t leave him alone. His hair was the same, he caressed it carefully and was reminded of the time Porsche would tell him a story while doing the same gesture.
His body was the one of a man, not a boy, a man and it broke something in Porsche. He had missed those years of evolution, he had missed him growing up. He felt that he had failed him.
"You grew up…so prettily…" Porsche smiled tenderly putting their forehead together.
"Because I never lost the hope to find you Hia…"
"How could you?"
"My friends…they could ask a favour to the kingdom and they asked to free you."
"You got some…awesome friends…" Porsche smiled sadly, he had the sensation that they had made so much more than he could.
"Yes…Hia, what do you think? I am going in the kitchen, cooking for us and then we eat together?"
"...o-okay…" Porsche hesitated and when he saw Porchay disappearing behind the door he thought that he wouldn’t be able to support this. He was terrified. He was panicked at the idea that it would be their last meeting. But he had friends, it should be alright. He had them, it should be alright. He breathed loudly. Porsche's mind was living all over again the hour where he couldn’t stop imagining Porchay’s death, he had tried to protect him and he didn’t think that he would have taken after him like this. But he did, and he survived but he could still die. Death was above his head all the time but he was even more dancing with her, now that a small amount of life had shaken his darkest ideas.
Porchay was having a hard time understanding what happened, that he was with him and wouldn’t leave. It was such a weird sensation to find that one of his biggest battles had been resolved, but not finished, not at all. He didn’t know how to describe the pain he was feeling looking at Porsche. His dark circles, his messy hair, his beard, his painful body. It was hard to witness but he still smiled, he didn’t find at least a corpse but a body.
The boy was going to the kitchen, lost in his thoughts when a hand grabbed him from a door, it was their room. Porsche had been put in the most far away from the centre of the house for him to not be scared by the noise. He ended up in Kim’s arms, hugging him tightly. Porchay melted, smiled, closed his eyes and he wanted to sleep suddenly, to just let his worries fly away for a moment. He had Kim, he had Porsche, he felt like having the world.
“I missed you.” Kim whispered, his voice emotional.
“Me too, so much…” Porchay whispered back, cupping Kim’s cheeks and kissing him tenderly.
Kim didn’t want to let go at all, he didn’t want to be like this but he had yearned for being able to be close to his lover for some hours, it was a lot for him. He licked Porchay’s lips to have an access and he let him come inside, giving a more passionate kiss, loving and cherishing each part of his mouth before pulling away, breathless, and kissing Porchay’s forehead. Kim tried to think, he tried to get what he should do, what he should ask, to not only focus on what he felt.
“How…is…” He struggled to pronounce, his eyes looking everywhere.
“He’s… he is, that’s great right?” Porchay smiled, caressing Kim’s waist. “I wondered…I need to make food for him…but I also want to cut his hair, and shave his beard…to pamper him…” Porchay said with difficulty. “Would you like to help me?”
“Hel-help how?” Kim asked, taken aback but taking it really seriously.
“To move him…I am not sure I have the strength or…I might have it but I am kinda worried…” He confessed. He didn’t know if he would emotionally be able to support the body of his brother or if he would be able to not hurt him. He didn’t know or he also needed Kim to be closer, to love him and also be accepted by Porsche. The youngest didn’t want to be the only one to approach him, he didn’t want to exclude him more from the world than he already was.
“I will. I chose to help.” Kim giggled, rustling Porchay’s hair and they loved it, they loved it so much.
—
“Hi baby…” Porchay scratched Star’s head while he was sleeping on the sofa. The cat immediately stretched his tiny paws and began to purr. Porchay took him in his arms for a minute before putting him back on the sofa. His fur was so warm, he would like Porsche to love Star too.
“Oh oh oh, what do you think you are doing?” Erika arrived and pushed Porchay from the kitchen to help him sit on a chair.
“Phi, I need to cook for my Hia.”
“I will do it…” She touched Porchay’s nose with her fingers. “You stay here and you take some rest.” She added with all of the tenderness in the world and Kim didn’t hate to see this, inviting himself naturally on his boyfriend’s lap. Porchay hugged his waist and they stayed like this, the good smell of the food reaching them soon.
“How lovely you are!” Tankhun screamed seeing them and Kim gave him a dark stare. He didn’t mind, he wanted to sit like this so he would if Porchay didn’t mind too but he quite didn’t like to be pointed at. He was discovering that he might be touchy, he was more secretive about it.
“Phi.” Porchay laughed, seeing Kim’s reaction. “You’re going to make him grumpy.”
“He would still be adorable.” Tankhun added, and his brother’s look was even darker.
“Let them be.” Kinn entered the room and Porchay felt the need to apologise strongly to him. Porsche was just scared, he didn’t mean to hurt him and Kinn just brushed it away, he understood quickly.
It was peaceful to find back the same atmosphere they often had together. He wondered when Porsche would be able to blend with them, to even hopefully feel happy.
—
Kim wasn’t the most reassured about Porsche, he had heard about Kinn being kicked, without any strength, but it was a reality. He was facing a different part of humanity and one was that not everyone would like you. He never minded this at all, never even thought about it but he couldn’t not do it when the man he was trying to tame was the dear brother of his lover, he wanted to be appreciated, even more than from his brothers. It felt different, his brothers accepted him quickly, they were brothers, but Porsche was a stranger by blood, and Kim felt it to the bones.
“Hia…” Porchay said, after he had finished eating.
“Chay…that person…Erika, you can tell her that…I am thankful…” Porsche said shily.
“I will…can I do one more thing for you?”
“What?” Porsche wondered, curious.
“This…” He took the hair in his hands. “Can we help you?”
“I guess…it needs to be done…” Porsche murmured, not knowing how to feel about a sudden change of look. “Why we?”
“Can P’Kim help you too?” Porchay asked, insecure. His eyes were shaking. “I am not sure to be able to help you stand alone and-”
“Do you love him?” Porsche cut him in a low voice. “You said that he was your lover but do you love him?”
“I…I do…I could turn the world upside down to protect him…the same way I tried for you…but it’s different, but you understand what I mean right?” Porchay asked, panicking.
“I do…” Porsche sighed. “Let him help…” He added, looking at his hands. No one touched him to help him this way, but then he remembered someone carrying him on his back and this someone being Kim. He clenched his hands and his breaths became loud at the idea of letting him in his personal space. But he wasn’t anyone, he was more than this, for Porchay he could try, he would try.
—
Kim wouldn’t say a thing, he didn’t say a thing when Porsche’s nails hurt his skin, when he felt the muscles of the man clenching around his own like a snake ready to swallow him. He just did, he helped Porsche to walk to the bathroom, he was the one to do it, silently, acting as if he didn’t exist and he was glad to be part of this because Porchay’s face was the one of an exhausted heart which needed help.
He stayed close when his boyfriend took care of his hair and beard and it revealed the violence, the scars, everything Porsche had been through, it also revealed more of his skin, more of his thin features which weren’t like this before and it was a harsh sight. Kim occasionally let his hand brush over Porchay’s one and the younger one was thankful, so grateful because he felt that he wasn’t alone in this, even if his brother didn’t act as if Kim was here, or even if he didn’t try to consider him, he still let him help and it meant the world.
Kim carried him back on the bed and Porsche hesitated, his throat was icy, he didn't know how to talk so he didn’t say anything and Kim was out.
“Sorry…” He apologised quickly to Porchay. “I don’t know…how to socialise anymore…”
“It’s okay Hia…I am glad you already let him be this close to him…I am happy you didn’t kick him.” Porchay giggled and Porsche did too before looking sadder.
“This man…who was he?”
“P’Kim’s big brother, one of them, the middle…he is the one who asked the kingdom before telling me…” Porchay smiled.
“Tell him to come…please…” Porsche said, witnessing the surprise on his brother’s face. He had an awful taste, a guilt he wanted to take care of before going forward. He wanted to do things right from now on, he might apologise to Kim for his nails too that Porchay just cut prettily.
—
“I am here..because you called…” Kinn said, not really getting the expression on Porsche’s face. It was between fear and anger, between anticipation and manipulation as if he had something to wait for, as if he was going to jump on Kinn and dismember him on the spot.
“I know.” He greeted in between his teeth which were in tension because of one fact : he was talking with an unknown person and that person couldn’t be trusted. He learnt it the worst way in prison. “ I wanted to say sorry…for the kick…”
“It’s already forgotten, but thank you for saying it.” Kinn smiled and it had something genuine in it, it might be because Porsche looked so vulnerable, because he wasn’t that weird anymore with his face being taken care of, it might be because Kinn was glad to have at least done one good thing for Porchay. “I am Kinn…by the way.” He presented himself, moving a little closer.
“I am-” His voice got stuck and only whimpers could be heard when the sound of Kinn’s keys reached his brain. Porsche began to shake uncontrollably and to curl up on himself. It was hour and hour, and hour of the same heartbroken stage of him and the violence, and what it meant, and the pain which was still spreading through his veins and everything going so fast and Porsche’s body reacting against his will, just being broken, broken to the sound that slowly had taken away the letters to be able to express why he was terrified.
“HEY! HEY!...Hey…” Kinn tried to calm him down, taking his wrist in his arms, the first word being loud and the last one so soft when he saw that it was working and that Porsche was slowly but surely breathing better. “You’re safe, it’s only my keys…okay…” He added, letting go of the wrist and staring at him with the same tenderness which was different from Porchay or Kim, because Kinn wasn’t scared or worried to maintain his body to help him recover his right mind, he wasn’t scared to interact with him, he had seen worst and he knew that Porsche wasn’t a menace.
Kinn hesitated a small amount but he caressed Porsche’s hair and he continued to tell him that he was doing good. All that Porsche could do was to look at him and to create a world he didn’t know about. He was trying to get to the point where Kinn wouldn’t be considered a menace for his brain and that hand on his head was definitely helping but it didn’t last and Kinn walked away.
The sound of the key being terrifying again but not putting him in a physical distress. And the silhouette of the soft man not giving him anymore the need to kick him.
—----
“MY BOY! “ Yok screamed some hours after, hugging him tightly, not minding who he could be now or where he was coming from and it warmed his heart.
Porsche couldn’t believe that she took care of Porchay, helped him and protected him when he reached her, he couldn’t believe that she had been such a good friend. He never doubted about it before going in that place, the one changing humans and showing the worst part of humanity.
He felt at home, it was a weird sensation but with Porchay and Yok around, he felt more at home than he would have ever thought to feel.
—
“P’Kim…” Porchay asked, snuggling closer against his boyfriend’s chest. “Now that I found Hia, I don’t know what to do…what do you think of doing too?”
“I have…no idea…do we need to do something in life?” Kim asked back, making Porchay laugh.
“Apparently…”
“Then…I need to find…we can still find right? Or choose? Is it a choice?” Kim began to talk rapidly, showing how much it was burning out his system.
“P’Kim, baby…” Porchay said, blushing brightly. “Don’t be worried, let’s not stress about it…we already survived…we did it right?”
“We did…” Kim nodded, melting hearing that sweet name. “Chay…I don’t feel like having one armour anymore around me…”
“Here?” Porchay asked, brushing his hand over Kim’s heart and kissing at the spot the beating of his heart could be heard.
“Yes…I always had felt like…a rock, so…impervious to the world…but now I don’t feel like this…”
“Do you feel free?” Porchay asked.
“Kinda…do you get it?” Kim asked, tightening the hug.
“Yes…I feel the same, as if after finding Hia again…I didn’t have to play who I wasn’t…as if my armour against the world fell down…”
“Thanks to you…” Kim kissed his forehead.
“You…” Porchay answered, giggling at Kim not agreeing head. “Then, us.” He added, kissing him tenderly, getting their body closer.
No armour was needed when the world wrapped them in the sweetest form of existence, in all shapes : love.