The world maybe cruel, most times it challenges your faith, your morals and beliefs. Society is not helping either, always quick to judge without considering that they may also be wrong, no matter how I explain where I am coming from, they can't understand the purpose, the meaning and the need for retribution that I have nurtured all this time.
Nobody understands, but then I do not need anyone to understand. I am just a girl waiting to avenge what was done to my life, I am merely trying to find myself and picking up after my life that fell apart. That eventful night which changed me forever and has haunted me for a decade now, I can still remember it like it was just yesterday, that nightmare that sparked the change.
10 years ago:
I've been watching her out of the corner of my eye, she's the Queen bee of our College three agonizing years, she barely knows my existence and have never paid attention towards me, save for times when we actually had to be group mates for a project or a report or maybe partners on activities in classes.
Here we are at the school's cafeteria, she was seated two tables away from where I sat with my best friend Brian. "Stop staring at her man, you're being a creep."
Brian whispered as we ate lunch
"I can't help it man, look at her, she's gorgeous, she's smart."
"Yes and she's Eve, Eve Jimenez our school's 'Queen Bee', she's too good for anyone, will you just look at her and who she hangs with? You don't stand a chance man."
I smiled and shook my head and continued to eat, before the day ended I made a plan to step up my game, though Eve was Queen Bee of the school, she's a smart girl and a great student.
I know she likes art and reading as well as writing, I am the literary editor of the school's paper and I am set to stepping up my game, over the next few weeks, I set out to be as close as I could get to Eve, as if the heavens are conspiring with my plans, we were assigned as partners for our literature class, we were going to give each other's favorite literary piece an analysis, after the teacher explained the mechanics of the project and assigned the partners, the teacher allowed us to talk with our partners and plan our next steps for the project.
I approached Eve's seat and I sat next to her. "Hi." I said
"Hello Destiny, so shall we go start with this project? My favorite poem is Pablo Neruda's If you forget me, what's yours?" She smiled at me, I shook my head and smiled
"I didn't expect you'd remember me, that's nice. My favorite poem is Edgar Allan Poe's A Valentine."
"I do, I remember we've been classmates, every once in awhile we've been partnered for class activities, you're literary editor of the school paper."
She said matter of factly "All right, that's cool, so how should we start?"
she smiled and said
"First, how do you feel about the poem? Why do you like it?"
I looked straight into her eyes and began to speak
"It reminds me of this person who I have feelings for, I relate to it as if I have written the verses myself."
"Hmmm... Intense. Which line strikes you the most?"
again I looked her straight in the eye, I was mesmerized by the beauty of her eyes and after a few moments, realizing that she was also looking at me and waiting for me to say something, I started to speak, with feelings and certainty
"Eyes scintillating soul, there lie perdus."
her face turned a bright shade of red, she quickly moved her head down, writing something down on her notebook, I moved my head on another direction, pretending that nothing happened.
"So how do you feel about your favorite poem? Why do you like it and what line strikes you the most?"
I said nonchalantly she stopped writing and she looked me straight in the eye, still slightly blushing, she paused as if searching herself, finding the right lines, drawing from her memory, she smiled and I swear my heart may have stopped from beating, she spoke softly
"If... Suddenly you forget me, do not look for me, for I shall already have forgotten you." she paused for a while and said
"I just love how that line was written, full of conviction, it comes on strong and it's not your usual desperate plea, to be remembered, you're saying you're free to decide whether you're leaving me or not and I shall go on and continue my life."
She paused and continued
"I relate to it, because it depicts your strength as a person, no heart break should ever stop you from achieving your goals."
I smiled and said "Empowering thoughts, I didn't know you liked literature and moreover, I didn't know you were this deep and profound girl."
I chuckled a bit and she said
"I know, people stereotype me as the popular 'It girl-Queen Bee-Popular' type of girl and actually expect me to be this dumb girl, Shane and I have been changing the way Popular girls are, so I'd like to believe."
"Trust me Eve, you are changing the way people view popular girls in school." She smiled at what I said, we agreed to have coffee after school and talk about our project in detail.
A few more hours passed, I've barely listened to any of the classes I had to attend, inside my head I've plotted and schemed for the rest of the day, after classes ended we've met at the school's parking lot, I saw her walk out the door of our building, with her best friend Shane, I waited for her to approach me, I stood there awkwardly, not anticipating that Shane may tag along, my mind settled with the idea that Shane will be tagging along which might be okay too, after a few moments, Eve and Shane parted ways and Eve walked towards me
"Hey, sorry it took some time, I was just telling Shane we needed to work on the project after school, she was supposed to be my ride home, being that my car is in the repair shop right now."
"No worries, I just got here anyway. Sorry to hear about your car. I can take you home if you don't mind." I smiled at her and she did too
"Thanks, that's too sweet of you." she said.
I opened the door of my car and motioned for her to get in the front passenger seat, I waited for her to sit comfortably, I lowered myself, almost in front of her face, a few inch away from her lips, I fastened her seat belt and made sure it was secured, I saw her look at me puzzled, I smiled at her sheepishly and giving her a mock salute.
"Safety first ma'am." I straightened my body and closed her door, I walked around to my door and got myself in and fastened my seatbelt.
I drove down to Seattle's Best Coffee, the drive to the cafe was a bit silent, Eve stared out the window, lost in her own thoughts, all of a sudden she speaks
"Hey, Thank you for driving and I know, you think I don't pay attention to other people, that I don't know them or they don't exist. But I know people, I remember them. Like I know you write a lot of beautiful literaries."
She smiled at the last word and I did too
"So, you saw my work?" I asked and I started to panic inside me, I swear I'd die if she asks who inspired the literary works
"Yes, I did, I read them every time you post them on the paper's literary section."
"Wow, I didn't know you read those, sorry, stereotyping again, but thanks for your feedback, I appreciate that, most times, I begin to question myself whether someone actually reads the paper we publish, if someone sees the works I publish on it."
"I read them, I actually love them, whoever that person is they are lucky, you write beautiful things about them."
"Why, thank you, the person who I wrote it for isn't aware and I don't think they'd ever know it."
"Interesting, your works seem heartbreaking but I love it anyway. I love how heartfelt it was."
She smiled and I did too, thinking to myself that it was for her, everything I wrote in the last three years are for her. We arrived at Seattle's Best Coffee, I took my mailman bag from the back seat, Slinging it across my chest, I went out the car and rounded over to Eve's door, I opened it for her, she stepped out and I closed the door and pressed the lock key on the car alarm remote control. We walked towards the cafe's entrance, I looked at her and said
"What would you like to get?" I looked at her, she stood there thinking for a few seconds before saying "I'll have a Roasted Chestnut Javakula."
She smiled and I said "Something to eat?"
"I think I'm good." She smiled.
She starts to rummage her bag for her wallet, I reached for mine in my back pocket, I placed the orders for a Large Roasted Chestnut Javakula and I had a Toasted Hazelnut Javakula, I also ordered Two Slices of Oreo Cheesecake, I handed a One Thousand Peso bill to the cashier, beating Eve by a few seconds, she looked at me and said
"Here, take this."
"No, I got it." I smiled at her
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, I'm sure."
"All right, if you insist, Thank you though, that was nice of you."
"No big, now go get us some seats." She smiled and went to the al fresco area of the coffee shop, she sat and started to bring out a pen and a notebook from her bag, I watched as she does so, I was briefly transfixed at the sight of her, I was broken out of my reverie when the barista called out our name and orders, I approached the claiming area to get the tray, I lifted it and walked towards our table where Eve sat.
I set the tray down on the table and started to unload the drinks and food I ordered for us, momentarily puzzling Eve, she looks at me and says
"Wait, I didn't get an Oreo Cheese Cake."
"I know you didn't but It's not polite that I get one and you don't." I smiled sheepishly at her and she shakes her head
"Thanks anyway, that's really nice of you, I really appreciate this."
"No problem, you're welcome anytime Eve."
I smiled before putting the tray away and sitting myself down in front of Eve, I pulled my notebook and pen out, I also pulled out a pack of cigarettes and a lighter
"You don't mind if I do right?"
"Yeah, I smoke too, which is why I chose this table so we can smoke."
she smiled and took out a pack of cigarettes from her bag she opened her pack and got herself a stick, stuck it between her lips and lit her cigarette.
We both smoked and took a sip on our drinks, I started to eat the slice of cake I ordered, while reading the literary piece on my mobile phone, I read through the piece while smoking, occasionally sipping on my coffee and taking a bite out of my Oreo Cheesecake, Thirty Minutes passed, I looked up at Eve and I found her taking a bite at her Oreo Cheesecake while reading the piece. I smiled to myself and continued reading and analyzing the literary piece, occasionally writing down notes about a particular line or a verse, in the middle of my own silent reverie, Eve started to speak
"How are you faring with the analysis?" I looked up at her and said
"I'm getting somewhere I think, what about you?"
"Getting there too." she smiled
"This poem is sort of mocking its reader, challenging you to find the riddle within the poem, I read somewhere that the poem was dedicated to a fellow poet named Frances Sargent Osgood."
"I've read that too, I think they've had quite an exchange of published poems as well."
she smiled and said "So why do you like this poem again?"
She eyed me and chuckled
"I'm kidding you, so when did you discover that you love writing literary?"
"Oh that? I started to write when I was just 9 years old."
"I started writing too at that age, but it's not really my best, I have yet to improve my writings, I guess you can just say that I am more of a fan than a writer myself."
she smiled at me again
"Thank you for the Oreo Cheesecake by the way, I didn't realize that I was even hungry."
"No problem, you're welcome, I think you're just weight conscious."
I smiled sheepishly and she chuckled
"I'm actually not, I was just not feeling hungry earlier and I'm bad at deciding what to order." she laughed at the conversation.
We continued to talk and discuss the poems we were doing an analysis of, after a few more hours, we've decided to head home, giving her a ride home, after that day, we've gotten closer and closer, Shane never minded that I hanged out with them sometimes, Brian had been very busy with Basketball Varsity and his girlfriend Michelle, so most times, I am either working long hours in the student publication office after school hours or finding time to hang out with Eve when she's not busy being the school's 'It Girl' or cheering for varsity games. Months have passed since the first project in our literature class was completed, we've turned in our work and have gotten a perfect grade for it, the teacher was very impressed of the work we've submitted. One morning, I decided to finally come clean, it took me at least a few weeks to assess the situation, I've had good progress, we've become a little bit closer overtime, there was an evident chemistry between the two of us, we acted almost like there was something and so...
I planned an elaborate way of telling her that I like her, it was the first day of the school fair, the night before the school fair preparations were being done, the whole student body were busy making preparations, the student publication was also set to release a new edition of the school paper the same day the school fair was going to start, after some thought, I decided to publish a poem that professed my feelings for her, the following morning, people started picking up the school's paper as they enter the school gates, I was propelled by what I was about to do, how could I not be? People started to ask once Eve and I became close, apparently it's not just in my mind, there was indeed chemistry between the two of us, it was evident, you can see it oozing out of us, we were comfortable with each other and made the best team together. I got to the school's parking lot, I walked towards the school building, feeling confident and excited, I spotted Eve by her locker, her clique surrounding her, they were gathered around as she read the school paper, I looked at her face as she read the poem, there wasn't any hint of amusement or pleasure, her face had a stoic expression, I walked cautiously towards my own locker, I stored all of my belongings inside my locker, I stood there for what seemed like forever, silently praying for strength and the guts to tell her, my thoughts went back to all of the good times we've shared. I took a deep breath and closed my locker, she was still standing in front of hers, her clique still gathered around her, I walked towards them, gaining confidence with each stride I took, a confident smile plastered on my face, I slowed down in pace as I approach them,
"Good morning,." I greeted them, not directing the greeting to her but to everyone, they all smiled at me and I continued
"So have you read the poem?"
I asked boldly, she smiled and said
"Yes, I did, thank you for your thoughts."
"You're Welcome." I smiled at her
"While I find that flattering, I want you to know that I don't go that way ever, whatever made you think that I'd swing that way?"
I stood there numb, the feeling of the whole world collapsing on you, that's how it feels .
"You have the guts to profess your feelings, tell me Destiny, what has gotten into you? It's bad enough that I'm seen with an outlier like you and then this? For all the school to know?!"
she tackled me against another locker, it hurt my back but the physical pain can not compare with the pain of being rejected and humiliated proves to be more painful, her friends stood there, watching the whole thing, Shane looked on with her arms crossed, Eve slapped me in the face
"Don't even think of coming near me again." she hissed and walked away, I was left leaning on the locker, I collapsed into the floor before tears started to fall, I've never felt so broken and I started to doubt if it were all my delusions.
**************************
"Eve! We're going to be late!" Shane called from downstairs
"Coming!"
I called back from my room. I finished applying some final touches of make up and straightened my dress, and slipped on my 3 inch heels and looked myself over the mirror, satisfied with how I looked I grabbed my keys and purse and proceeded downstairs, Shane stood near the door, one hand on her hips, one foot tapping on the floor. One eyebrow raised as she breathed out
"Finally!"
"What? You take time to get ready too, you just beaten me a couple of minutes to the door."
I stuck my tongue out at Shane. Shane and I were like sisters, we've been friends since we were in kindergarten and we've become inseparable ever since.
"Come on, quit your whining, I'm ready now."
I poked her cheek and grabbed her hand leading us both out the door. I drove us to the bar where we were supposed to meet with our college friends, upon arrival at the club, we presented our IDs and our VIP invites we got from a friend. The guard handed us this glow in the dark bracelets, we put them on and entered the club. We saw our friends seated in a booth near the dance floor, they waved us over and we walked towards them, going through a sea of people dancing.
We hugged our friends and we seated next to them, the night wore on, it was around 11 PM when I noticed Shane looking a bit flustered, her eyes fixed on something, I followed her line of sight and saw what got her flustered, her boyfriend of 6 years, passionately kissing another woman and feeling her up as if no one else ever existed, in an instant my attention snapped back to Shane, I saw her eyes automatically shed tears, I pulled her in for a hug and I whispered to her ear
"Shhh... He's a douche bag anyway, now you're free."
I kissed the top of her head and just let her cry over my shoulder, I can feel her heave and draw her breath, her arms squeezing me tighter but I'm not complaining, I lovingly caress her back. By now our friends are wondering what's going on but otherwise kept quiet, they all surrounded us and some tried to make her stop and wiped her tears which flowed down her cheeks. Some caught on and saw what was going on.
To say that Shane turned out fine after a few weeks would be a lie, I wish it had been that way, a few months passed and Shane drifted off to this dark place, no one not even I could save her,. It all looked so very normal, like a part of simply being depressed, she had trouble speaking, eating and functioning like a normal human being would after a break up, we were just out of college then and all of us were preoccupied in hunting for a job, since I couldn't get her out, I ventured on my own some days, after interviews I'd come drop by her place and try to get her some food and entice her to eat first before we watch a new movie I bought or downloaded. She'd sometimes keep up and give in, she'd offer a faint smile or an apologetic one whenever I try to cheer her up. Some days I've seen good progress, some days I've seen her slip a little more to the dark place. It went on for 6 months, one day, just one day I guess her mind finally had enough and she just lost it. She's now locked in an asylum. My bestfriend and my sister, physically present but mentally nowhere to be found.