Play Death By a Thousand Cuts by Taylor Swift during Lillian's POV
Rafe cheated on me. What the actual fuck.
You know when something happens that is probably the last thing you were expecting, it leaves you in confusion, and without any preparation. Needless to say, I wasn't expecting Rafe to cheat on me.
The way he told me, so unbothered, so careless about what he had done to my heart. I felt so fucking stupid, our whole relationship, the way I trusted him, the way we got each other, all fucking bullshit.
I ignored everyone telling me not to get with him, but they were right. It was all an illusion, except it didn't feel like one. What we had, felt real, and genuine, it felt like true love. And the Rafe I had grown to know would never cheat on me, he would never as much as look at another girl. I guess that Rafe never existed, he was just a picture in my mind.
I hated Rafe, for what he had done to me, for the way he made me love him and then changed his mind, but the thing I hated the most about him, as cliché as it is, was that I was still in love with him, I didn't hate him.
I wanted to warn myself before summer started, warn myself not to let him help me from Dylan. Warn myself not to look for him the day we kissed for the first time. But, I couldn't and now I was stuck with Rafe's ghost.
Everywhere I turned reminding of him and of what we used to be. Two days had passed since Rafe had told me, and I had been locked in my room both days.
I had a million missed calls from my friends, who knew nothing about what had happened. But not one from the one person I wanted to hear from, Rafe. His name failed to pop up on my home screen, not one call, text, nothing foreshadowing a sense of guilt.
My mom and dad tried their best to comfort me and help me but I never let them in my room. The only person whom I'd told about everything was Ethan, he was also spending those days with me, watching series with me, comforting me while I was crying, talking about how I felt with me.
"Lil," Ethan said to me through the door,
"Busy," I said, except I wasn't busy. I was lying in my bed looking at the ceiling, thinking about Rafe. Thinking about how much everything I saw reminded me of him, right now I was precisely thinking back to when I first realized I had feelings for Rafe.
"Sarah's here Lil," Ethan said, catching me off guard. I didn't think of how my friends would react to everything that had happened, and quite frankly I didn't want to tell them.
"Lil, the day after tomorrow is Midsummers, what are you doing locked in your room?" Sarah said from behind the door.
"Fuck," I mumbled. I completely forgot about Midsummers. "I'm not going Sar," I said.
No way I was going, going would mean seeing Rafe, having to dance with him, having to enter with him, sit next to him, all because we signed up as a couple. When we did that I had no idea he was going to fucking cheat on me.
I was so mad at him, for everything, all I wanted to do was punch him in the face until he was unconscious, and then kick the shit out of him. Violent, I know.
"Lil I'm coming in," Sarah said and that's when I remembered she had the other key to my room. Damn her.
Sarah entered my room, it was messy and clothes were all over the floor, along with everything that reminded me of Rafe. Which was my whole room. "Lillian, what is this mess?" Sarah said and I groaned getting off my bed.
"Ethan, why did you let her in?" I groaned. "Because she's your best friend and you need a female to help you cope with this shit, I'm going to the beach now," he said and I yelled at him for saying a swear word.
"Lillian, what's wrong? Why the fuck are you in this state and why is Rafe locking himself in his room and being all rude again all of a sudden did you guys break up?" Sarah said and I laughed. He's the mad one. He's the fucking mad one?
"Lil, what are you laughing at?" Sarah said, seeing right through my act.
"Rafe cheated on me," I said. Sarah's expression softened and the stressed one she was wearing was replaced by a pitiful yet mad one.
"He what?" she said.
"Yeah, he did, with a girl named Lola," I said, trying to avoid eye contact and looking at the floor.
"Oh Lil," Sarah said and hugged me tight.
"No it's fine, we weren't serious," I lied.
Yes, we were fucking serious, he felt like home to me, like a shelter from any rain or like a safe space in which I could drop any mask I was wearing that day. With him everything fell into place, the hatred just left all of a sudden and got replaced with love. True love. Love that I had never experienced before. But love hurts. It hurts so much. And now I was left with a void that only he could fill. He was the missing piece to my happiness, and he wasn't coming back, I wouldn't allow him to.
"Lil," Sarah said. "No, don't 'Lil' me, it's fine, it doesn't even matter, I guess it was just a chapter and now it's over anyways so whatever time to move on," I said, tears escaping my eyes.
"Lil, I want to believe you but we both know you're lying," Sarah said, trying to get me to look at her. A long silence followed that phrase.
It consisted of me looking around in my room, every corner reminded me of him. I looked at my body and even that had his face all over it, the way he would hold it, the way he would kiss it, cherish it, the way I thought he loved it.
But he never did. he never loved me. You don't lie to someone you love, you don't betray them and the trust they gave you.
All of a sudden I started crying, and I'm talking waterworks. "I'm so confused Sarah, I really loved him," I sobbed and she hugged me so tight. "You'll get through it Lil, you always do." Sarah said and I shook my head.
"No I'm not, you know everything with Daniel? This hurts more," I said. It did. It hurt ten times more.
"I will be right back," Sarah said, storming out of my room. Where was she going?
Play This is what the drugs are for by Gracie Abrams during Rafe's POV
Rafe's POV:
Life without Lillian was so fucking bad. She was the one to make me want to get out of my house and do things, and without her, I had no motivation anymore, and no goals.
The essay for Brown was due in about two days and I had no intention in submitting it, I had finished writing it but I didn't want to apply anymore, it wasn't worth it. The essay prompt they had given me was: 'Who made you grow the most intellectually and ethically speaking?' My essay was about Lillian, and how much she taught me over our relationship, so applying with that essay would only remind me more of Lillian and of what we used to have.
Lillian was the light to my dark, the sun to my moon, and the only person that ever made me feel anything.
With her I felt like I was enough, I felt loved, I felt cared for, without her, I simply didn't feel.
That's what the drugs were for. I did line after line the whole day, putting myself in a hole that I knew I wasn't getting out of. Not without my girl.
I ruined things, I knew that I had just done her a favor, she deserved better and was finally safe from me and my dark self. But regardless I wasn't getting over her, not anytime soon, not ever.
She had filled me in a way no one ever had, and now, I was empty.
Getting clean was something I truly wanted to do, but what pushed me to it was Lillian, for her good, so now there was no point. I had lost my girl, my best friend, the only person I ever loved, the one thing keeping me away from the dark.
So now life just felt pointless, and drugs were the only thing to make me forget about Lillian, and about how much I loved her.
Everywhere I turned I would see her, hear her laughter, see her smile, and feel her soft blonde hair.
"Rafe I'm going to kill you," Sarah yelled, storming into my room, seeing me mid-way into snorting a line.
"Sarah shut up I don't have time for you and your whines," I groaned, wiping the residues of the white powder off my nose.
"What the fuck Rafe are you back on drugs?" Sarah yelled at me.
"Yes, now fuck off," I yelled back at her.
"Rafe you fucking cheated on her," Sarah yelled, that made me quiet.
"Do you realize what you did? She hasn't been out of her room, she's been crying nonstop for two fucking days Rafe. You hurt her so much and for what?" Sarah yelled.
"It's my own fucking business, Sarah, you don't know shit," I yelled back.
"It is my business, you hurt my best friend, do you realize how much you hurt her Rafe? You hurt her more than Daniel did, let that sink in." Sarah said.
Everything stopped.
"That's not true," I said. It couldn't be. No.
"Her words Rafe," Sarah said. Fuck. I wanted her to hate me, not hurt her, I wanted to protect her but I just ended up doing the opposite.
"And the funny thing is Rafe, that you fucked yourself more than you did her. She is the only person who actually loved you, so this Lola chick, I hope she's worth you losing the best partner you could ever have." Sarah said.
She was right. I knew that I lost her forever, but the fact that I hurt her.
That made me hate myself more than I already did.
"The day after tomorrow is Midsummer's Rafe, she will be going and you two will have to act together if you do anything, and I mean anything to upset her, you will fucking regret it so much Rafe, I'm warning you," Sarah said before slamming my door hard.
What did I do? I turned around to face my desk and saw the necklace and ring I gave to Lillian.
"I miss you so much Lil," I whispered.
Before leaving on my bike to get more coke to help me cope.
Back to Death By A Thousand Cuts by Taylor Swift
Lillian's POV:
Sarah came back after about twenty minutes.
"Lil, I know this is the last thing you want to do right now, but we're going surfing with the pogues and you're forgetting about Rafe."
"No Sarah, please," I groaned. I didn't want to face the pogues, because they were right. Rafe did break my heart.
"Lil, it's for the best, now get ready," Sarah said and I gave up. Standing up to shower and change in a bikini. I went through my bikini drawer and saw the one Rafe had given to me when we first got together. I threw it on the floor.
"I'm not going," I said, throwing myself on my bed. "Yes you are," Sarah said and picked up the bikini and threw it in the trash. "Keep it," I said.
"I thought it was from-" she said. "It is, keep it," I said, looking at the floor.
"Oh, Lil," Sarah said in a soft tone and hugged me. "I'm fine," I said and not even the walls bought it.
"You're still going," Sarah said and I groaned loudly.
_________________________
We got to the beach and everyone met us there.
"Lil where were you these days," Pope said while everyone hugged me.
"Uhm, Rafe and I broke up," I said and Sarah squeezed my hand. Everybody's heads shot up to look at me. "Why?" Jj said and Kie slapped his arm.
"It's fine Kie, he uh, he cheated on me," I said and everyone looked at me with an empathetic look. Everyone followed with the typical 'I'm so sorry' or 'are you okay' and I just wanted to forget about it, forget about him.
"Let's just surf guys, the past is the past," I said. Everyone nodded and we ran to the shore. "Lil," Jj yelled form behind me and caught up with me.
"If you need a rebound," he said and winked. I chuckled, "I'll keep that in mind, Jayi," I chuckled and he smiled. "Surf competition?" Jj said and I nodded.
I seemed to be fine, but that spark just wasn't there.
I wanted Rafe. Only Rafe.
Notes from the author:
Thank you so much for 11K you guys really don't know how grateful I am!!!
Please vote and comment any thoughts! I'm acc pretty proud of this chapterrrr
Thank you for reading!
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