"Love took up the harp of Life, and smote on all the chords with might; smote the chord of self that, trembling, passed in music out of sight."
—Alfred Lord Tennyson
∞
Chapter 27
Halos hindi ako magkandaugaga sa paulit-ulit na pagsulyap sa aking cellphone.
Fuck, Kaius. Nasaan ka na ba?
"He's not coming?" tanong ni Hiro habang bitbit ang kanyang travel bag.
Kinagat ko ang aking ibabang labi at nagmamakaawa ang mga matang tinignan siya. Today is my son's birthday, and we're traveling our way to Tagaytay to celebrate it. Kami-kami lamang ng yaya at si Hiro ang kasama. No Kaius.
"Just leave a text. The sun's getting hot, and we might not catch some tables there," sambit ni Hiro.
Sa huli, wala akong nagawa kundi ang tumango at nagtipa ng mensahe para kay Kaius.
To unknown:
If you're planning to attend our small celebration, just go directly to Tagaytay Picnic Groove. Have a nice day.
Humugot ako ng malalim na hininga at pilit na ngumiti kay Hiro. He smiled back and carried my travel bag. Kung wala lang siguro si Hiro, baka kami-kami lang ni Kin at Kai. James' out of town. Wala pa rin si Kaius.
"Let's go," mahinang usal ko at naunang lumabas ng silid.
Kai and his babysitter were already in Hiro's Hilux. Ang sasakyan niya ang gagamitin namin papuntang Tagaytay. We'll stay there for two days and one night.
Bumuntong hininga ako at ngumiti kay Hiro nang mapasok siya ng elevator. His girlfriend agreed for him to come over, but she didn't come because she's busy.
Nang makarating kami ng parking lot ay agad na binuksan ni Hiro ang back compartment upang doon ilagay ang aming travel bag. I entered the passenger's seat and faced my son, who is now sitting in the back seat.
"Mama, papa wa doko?" takang tanong nito nang mapansing si Hiro ang sumakay sa driver's seat at hindi ang kanyang ama. [translation: Where's daddy?]
Pain ripped my heart into pieces as I answered my son with a lie: "Daddy's gonna be late, baby."
I'm sorry, Kai.
He smiled widely. "Okay!"
Nagkatinginan kami ni Hiro. Binalik ko ang aking paningin sa unahan at kinabit ang aking seatbelt. Hiro started the engine and stamped on the accelerator. Tahimik lamang ako habang tumatakbo ang sasakyan. I don't know what's wrong. But I'm bleeding. I'm bleeding an unrequited love for someone who will never be mine.
"You okay?" mahinang tanong ni Hiro. His eyes are still fixed on the road.
Nag-angat ako ng tingin sa rearview mirror upang tignan kung ano ang ginagawa ng anak ko, and he's sleeping. "I am."
"You look tired to me. You can rest for a while. The travel might take two hours because of the traffic." He glanced at me and smiled.
Hindi ako nagsalita. Nginitian ko siya pabalik at sumandal sa aking kinauupuan. I yawned, and I closed my eyes without noticing that I was already in a deep slumber of darkness.
Nagising na lang ako nang may tumapik sa pisngi ko. I slowly lifted my eyelids, only to see that it was Hiro who woke me. Nakabukas ang pinto sa gilid ko kaya agad kong inalis ang pagkakabit ng aking seatbelt. Tinulungan naman ako ni Hiro na makababa ng sasakyan.
"Are you really feeling well?" takang tanong nito.
Ngumiti ako dito. "Yes, why?"
"You're pale," he murmured.
Ngumiti lang ako dito at nilapitan si Kai busy sa paglalaro ng kanyang PSP. Nang mapansin nitong lumapit ako ay agad nitong binuka ang kanyang mga braso. Yumuko ako at agad siyang kinarga. I kissed his cheeks.
"Mama, tito Hiro wa watashitachi ga jōba ni iku to itta, soreha hontōdeshita ka?" Kita ko ang pananabik sa mga mata ng bata na ikinangiti ko. [translation: Mommy, Tito Hiro told me that we'll go horseback riding, was it true?]
I chuckled. "Of course. But first, we need to eat!" masayang usal ko.
"Papa o matsu tsumori janai no?" Nangunot ang noo nito. [translation: Aren't we gonna wait for daddy?]
Halos magpigil ako ng hininga sa naging tanong ng bata. Moments later, I composed my smile. "We'll eat first because mom's starving, and the dragon's on your tummy, too."
He frowned. "O nakaniha sono yōna doragon wa inai, okāsan. Sore wa shinjitsude wanai. Doragon wa watashi no onaka ni osamarimasendeshita," he explained, and my jaw almost fell open. [translation: There's no such dragons on my tummy, mom. That's not true. A dragon couldn't fit inside my tummy.]
Napailing ako. Someone placed a jacket on my shoulders. "It's cold," Hiro murmured, and I smiled.
Nag-abot rin ng jacket ang yaya ni Kai na pinasuot ko rin naman kaagad sa bata. Hiro guided us inside a hotel, a luxury hotel. Hindi ko alam kung magkano ang ibinayad ni Hiro para sa isang silid. Ngunit nakakasiguro akong mahal ito.
"Any reservations, Sir?" pormal na tanong ng babaeng na sa front desk, habang ang isa nitong kasama ay tulala habang nakatitig kay Hiro.
"Yes." Hiro smiled.
Binaba ko pansamantala si Kai habang nakikipag-usap pa si Hiro. Naging mapagmatyag naman si Kin sa mga galaw ng anak ko, maybe she's afraid that my son will be lost again, like what happened in Bora.
Naglibot naman ako ng paningin. Maraming mga taong naglalabas-masok. I can see some foreigners. Mukhang bigatin nga ang hotel na ito.
"Let's go?" pag-aaya ni Hiro.
I smiled and nodded my head. May dalawang crew naman ang lumapit at kinuha ang mga gamit namin upang ihatid sa aming silid.
"I reserved two rooms," pang-iimporma nito sa 'kin.
I nodded. "Thank you."
He just smiled. Pumasok kami ng elevator, kasunod naman namin si Kin na hawak ang kamay ng aking anak. May nakasabay rin kaming tatlong babaeng sa tingin ko ay may lahing britano.
As the door closed, I picked up my phone from my pocket to see if Kaius had responded to my text this morning. And poof! He didn't respond. Mabigat ang loob kong ini-off at binalik sa aking bulsa ang cellphone ko.
Bumukas ang pinto ng elevator at inaya na ako ni Hiro na lumabas. I and Kin followed his lead until we arrived at hotel room numbers 302 and 303.
"I'll check in here," he said, pointing to the door labeled 303.
Tumango naman ako at tinanggap ang inabot nitong keycard.
This will be a long day for me...
--
Kai's laughter filled the place as the horse kept on moving.
"Magdahan-dahan kayo, Hiro!" I yelled for them to hear me. Nilingon naman ako ni Hiro at nginitian.
Kung wala lang siguro si Hiro, baka magkandaugaga ako kung paano maaaliw ang bata. Nung kumakain kami sa picnic groove kanina, panay ang tanong nito kung nasaan na ang kanyang ama. Malaki na talaga ang utang ko kay Hiro. He keeps on saving me from a hot seat.
Lumapit sa pwesto ko si Hiro at Kai habang nakasakay pa rin sa kabayo. "Hey, won't you join us?"
Tagaktak ang pawis nito, at ganoon din ang anak ko. Mabilis namang lumapit si Kin sa bata at pinahiran ang pawis nito kahit medyo nahihirapan. Masyadong matangkad ang kabayo kaya kinakailangan pa nitong tumingkayad.
Nilahad ni Hiro ang kanyang kamay. "Join us."
I bit my lip. The offer is tempting, matagal ko ng pangarap makasakay ng kabayo. But my baby— okay. It's a no.
Umiling ako dito. "Kayo na lang. Magdadapit hapon na rin, umisang ikot na lang kayo."
Hiro smiled and nodded. Yumuko naman ito at bumulong kay Kai bago pinatakbong muli ang kabayo. At sa hindi ko mabilang na pagkakataon, muli kong sinilip ang aking cellphone. Still no response. Hindi ko alam kung mag-aalala ba ako o masasaktan.
Stupid, bakit naman ako mag-aalala kung na sa poder siya ni ate... ng tunay niyang asawa. I can feel the pang of pain enveloped my chest.
"Okay ka lang po, ma'am?" nag-aalalang tanong ni Kin nang mapansin niyang mahigpit na ang naging kapit ko sa hawak kong mineral bottle.
Nilingon ko ito at tinanguhan. "Of course." I smiled.
Sakto namang natapos na si Hiro at Kai sa pagho-horseback riding. He immediately clung to my arms na ikinangiti ko. I bent downward to carry him and stood again.
"How's the horseback riding? Did you enjoy it?" tanong ko habang pinupunasan ang pawis sa kanyang noo, sintido at leeg.
"Hai, okāsan! Tanoshinda! Shijō saikō no tanjōbipurezento!" He even clapped his hands. [translation: Yes, mom! I enjoyed it! Best birthday gift ever!]
Napailing na lang ako rito at nilipat muna siya sa bisig ng kanyang yaya. Binalingan ko si Hiro na kasalukuyang umiinom ng tubig. I threw him a face towel.
"Tara na? Inaantok na ako," I murmured.
He nodded and smiled. Kinuha niya ang kanyang chest bag at ganoon rin ako. Kin just inserted a towel on Kai's back. Sa hotel na lang siya magbibihis.
"Thank you," I murmured to Hiro habang pababa kami ng hagdan.
Nangunot ang noo nito. "For?"
"Kasi sa tuwing nagtatanong ang bata tungkol kay Mr. Imperial, naaaliw mo siya," I replied as my eyes darted on Kai who is now sleeping on his babysitter's shoulder.
"Oh." Tumango-tango ito. "It's nothing."
I just smiled. Nang makarating kami sa baba, agad kaming sumakay sa sasakyan ni Hiro na nakatambay sa gilid. Humikab pa ako habang nagsusuot ng seatbelt. Pumasok din si Kin na karga si Kai. He's tired and asleep.
Pinausad na ni Hiro ang sasakyan patungong hotel na tutuluyan namin. Tahimik kong pinapanood ang aming dinadaanan. My heart is aching, and my eyes badly want to cry. My son is not dumb. He knew his father wouldn't come over. Mag-aala-sais na ng gabi, makakahabol pa kaya siya?
Mabilis lang naman kaming nakarating ng hotel. He opened the door for me and helped Kin move out of the car. Kinuha ni Hiro si Kai mula sa bisig ng babysitter nito at siya na mismo ang nagkarga sa bata hanggang sa makaakyat kami ng aming lapag.
"He's tired," wika ni Hiro nang mailapag niya ang bata sa kama.
"Salamat sa paghatid, Hiro. Ang dami ko ng utang na loob sa 'yo," mahinang sambit ko.
He just smiled. "This is nothing, Sam. I told you, I always have your back." He smelled himself and frowned. "I need to take a shower."
Napailing ako dito at ngumiti. "Sige. Salamat ulit."
Nang makalabas si Hiro ng silid, nilapitan ko naman si Kin. "Lalabas lang ako, Kin. Pakibantayan si Kai."
"Yes, ma'am." She nodded her head.
Ngumiti naman ako at lumabas na ng silid. Maybe it's a good thing na ilang hakbang lang ang distansiya ng elevator at ng pinto ng tinutuluyan kong hotel room. I glanced at my wrist watch as I pressed the button.
I'm going out to buy something. Ramdam ko ring naghahanap ang bibig ko para sa pagkaing maasim. Maybe for a mango? It's normal since I'm pregnant. The doctor also told me to come back next week, Tuesday, for my weekly cheek-up.
Nang bumukas ang pinto ng elevator, agad akong pumasok. No one's inside. As the door closed, I leaned on the wall and closed my eyes. Ramdam kong nag-iinit na ang gilid ng aking mga mata. My tears are about to fall. And it sucks.
I'm such a crybaby, and I hate it.
--
"Having fun alone?" someone said.
Nag-angat ako ng tingin dito. I smiled, but it didn't reach my eyes. "Hey, ba't gising ka pa?"
I saw him shake his head and sit beside me. I'm currently drinking alone on this hotel's very wide rooftop. Gusto ko lang magkaroon ng tahimik na piligid, and I think this is the only place that would guarantee the pleasure I've been looking for. Thinking deeply while watching the stars as they blink through the sky.
"I was talking to someone," he replied. Kinuha nito ang isang bote ng vodka at binuksan. "Anyways, why didn't you tell me you'd go out for a drink?"
I chuckled. "I knew you were tired. At hindi ako umiinom. Balak ko lang 'yan ibigay sa 'yo bukas." I sighed. "Hindi ko mabilang sa mga daliri ko kung ilang beses mo ako niligtas sa mga katanungan ng anak ko. And thank you for that, Hiro. I really owe you a lot."
Tumunga muna ito sa hawak niyang inumin bago nagsalita. "Seriously, it was just nothing." Ngumiti ito. "Loosen up a bit, Sam. You're stressing yourself."
Hindi ko namalayan ang paghulog ng isang butil ng luha mula sa aking kaliwang mata na agad ko namang pinahiran. "I have something to ask."
"Sure, what is it?"
"Am I bad for lying to my son? Pinapaasa ko siya, Hiro. Pinapaasa kong babalik ang taong walang kasiguraduhang babalik." I sniff. Damn, I'm crying. "K-kasi andoon na siya, e. Kasama na niya ang totoong nagmamay-ari sa kanya."
Hiro wasn't moving; he was just listening to me while looking at the stars in the sky.
"Love sucks," I murmured. "It makes you feel overwhelmed at first, but then after many days, poof! Pain takes over."
"That's part of loving someone, Sam," mahinang usal ni Hiro. "In your case, you loved the wrong and forbidden person. You knew from the start that he was your sister's husband. But you let your feelings and emotions take over you."
I chuckled nonchalantly. "Hindi ko kayang kontrolahin ang sinasabi ng puso ko, Hiro. Kung pwede lang siguro umayaw, baka nagawa ko na limang taon na ang nakakalipas. Pero wala, e." My tears rolled down my cheeks. "Ilang beses na akong nagparaya, e. Hindi ba ako pwedeng sumaya?"
Sa gitna ng pag-agos ng luha ko, may inabot na papel si Hiro. I blinked several times to clear my eyesight. "What's that?"
He smiled. "It's a thing you'll need someday."
Taka ko itong tinanggap. Binaba ko ang hawak kong bote at binuksan ang nakatuping papel. My lips parted.
A resignation letter...
END OF CHAPTER 27