Saturday, January 31st, 2023
4:45 p.m
A few hours before..
__________
"Who fucked you?" Mia asks me abruptly.
And here I thought I covered up enough.
Embarrassingly I almost yell, "W-what?"
I forget how straightforward she is at times. But I suppose I can be worse. When Mia called after Leighton left, I could've sworn my heart skipped a beat.
I thought we were busted.
Makes me laugh when I think about it, actually. I feel like a teenager sneaking around with her secret boyfriend that her parents don't know about.
And since, I didn't have the luxury to actually be a teenager with a secret boyfriend nor parents to hide that secret boyfriend from, feels like I'm a kid again.
I don't think I have been for a long time.
I couldn't be, really.
"First off, your voice is different. Like the back of throat is hurting. Second, covering your neck with that ugly ass scarf won't hide the hickeys."
"Hey Alea, how are you?"
"What happened to hi, how are you?"
Mia glares at me before playing along a bit,
"Hey Alea, how are you after having dirty sex all night?"
"I wasn't— I wasn't having sex. Yes, I was indulging in activities, but I wasn't having sex or getting fucked, as you so nicely put it."
"Why— how do you make even the most dirtiest things sound so sophisticated?"
"I haven't.. had sex yet."
I'm not ashamed of being a virgin, I mean, when could I have possibly had time to do such things?
When I was in the hospital at 15? Or on antidepressants, going to therapy every day of the week during my entire adolescence after finding my mother and uncle's dead bodies?
You don't tell people that so what you do tell them is,
"I'm waiting for the right person." I admit.
Mia looks at me like she's waiting for me to say I'm just kidding and that what I'm saying is a joke, once she realizes that I'm serious— her eyes widen a bit before a mischievous smile appears on her pretty red lips.
"And you think Leighton's that right person?"
"Wha—"
"I'm not blind. I have eyes, we all do. Literally."
Well I guess we are busted after all.
"Is it that obvious?"
"Is it that obvious?" Says the one who's constantly giving longing looks across the room. Yes, it's incredibly obvious." Mia teases.
"Okay but you and Jamie weren't even trying to hide it during Christmas." I retort.
"Let's not bring that up."
"Why not? You can tease me about Leighton but I can't even mention Jamie?" I tease.
"What's going on with you guys anyway?" I ask reluctantly. I don't want to ask too many questions, considering it's not any of my business.
Yet, I can't help it.
Jamie and Mia have always fascinated me, despite all my efforts to not pry.
"We're not anything as of right now. Or probably ever." Mia clarifies. Her tone seemingly annoyed by the topic. I'm completely taken aback, if anything— I thought they were seriously together. Just not out in the open yet.
I cock my head to the side, my brows furrowed. "Elaborate." I tease a bit, a sly smile coming up to my lips.
Mia groans. Her beautiful verdant eyes gaze down at the silverware as she replies, "I just didn't expect him to get so attached you know?"
"I mean, the sex is excellent. It's.. beyond excellent. But that's all it is."
"I simply just mistook it for something more and yes I care about him, we've known each other for a while now but.."
She pauses, thinking about how to explain what she wants to say.
"Some people can connect as easily as breathing. Others, can't."
I understand where she's coming from. I couldn't feel for Aidan what I felt for Leighton, I do care about him. It's just in a different way.
"I get it. Exactly why I hate feelings, they make everything too messy and complicated."
"Exactly! Thank you, now I don't have to feel like a bitch for not being madly in love with him."
I laugh a bit before stating, "You do have to tell him that though. You shouldn't lead him on."
"I know, I know. But same goes for you."
"What do you mean?" I ask.
"Do you really not see it? My brother is in love with you."
For some reason, my heart actually does skip a beat and it almost feels as though the air has been knocked out of my body. I can't even imagine it.
Him being in love with me.
"No, no. He was the one who said no strings attached—"
"Of course, Alea. He'll say anything to be with you."
"If he told you he loved you, what would you have done?" Mia questions me.
My mind is going crazy and my heart is conflicted. I don't know what to say or what to think.
I shrug, "I-I don't know."
"Do you love him?"
"No." I answer entirely too quickly. Without thinking.
"Then maybe you should tell him that. Instead of leading him on."
"But I'm seriously shocked. You didn't know? I mean, do you not see how his eyes instantly gravitate towards you whenever you're in the room? He looks at you like you put the sun in the sky and the moon in the stars."
What the hell are you supposed to say to that?
I don't know what to say, what to think, how to feel. I'm not someone that people fall in love with. But fuck, what did I except?
Feelings were already involved before we even did anything.
I was the one that practically begged him to want me as badly as I want him. I was the one who initiated the kiss, both times.
My head hurts thinking about everything that's happened between us— all the good, all the bad. Maybe I should've never agreed for tutoring.
I should've never accepted that proposal.
Mia notices my discomfort and changes the subject,
"I'm sorry, just forget I said anything."
___
"Thanks for dropping me off." I say.
"Of course. I'm sorry again, I shouldn't have been prying in you guys' relationship like that. But he is my brother."
I nod, "I get it. You're a good older sister. Leighton's lucky to have you. "
Mia smiles. "If only he could realize that."
I laugh a laugh that I can only get from her.
"I hope things go well with your father."
"Yeah, me too."
As I step into the dimly lit visiting room, a heavy feeling of apprehension settles over me. I have never met my estranged father before, and the thought of having a conversation with him in a prison seemed almost unreal. I don't even know what he looks like. I mean I do now, having looked him up.
But for the past 18 years, I have never even known what my father looked like.
But after that conversation with Leighton, I knew I had to have at least one conversation with him.
Like a child, I have so many questions. Where was he all this time? Was he in jail or was that after he decided to leave? Why did he leave?
The cold concrete walls and steel bars surrounding me only amplifies the weight of the situation.
The guard leads me to a small, worn-out table where my father is waiting. In his eyes, I could see the marks of a difficult life, full of mistakes and regrets. His eyes are soulless but with a hint of warmth, somewhat like Leighton's father.
As I sat down, a mix of emotions washes over me - anger, curiosity, and even a shred of hope that this encounter might not be a complete waste of time.
For what felt like an eternity, we sat in uncomfortable silence, both struggling to find the words. Finally, I spoke, my voice barely above a whisper.
"Why did you leave? Why did you abandon me and mom?" Each word drips with raw pain that has been lingering within me since childhood.
His gaze drops, unable to meet mine directly. A heavy sigh escapes his lips before he begins, his voice filled with remorse.
"I made terrible mistakes, and I can never undo what I did. I was lost, drowning in my own darkness, and I didn't know how to be a father. It was never your fault, and for that, I am truly sorry."
My fists clenchs as I struggled to control the anger that surges through me. "Sorry isn't enough," I replied, my voice trembling with bitterness.
"You look like her."
"And you have his vocabulary. The letter you sent me sounded exactly like him. He probably shoved tons of books down your throat didn't he?"
My eyes grow wide and I feel my heart almost stop. I have to take multiple deep breaths to be able to breathe properly. "You don't get to do that. Say things like that."
"And we're getting off-topic," I say bitterly, wiping the tear going down my face.
"I want the reason. The exact reason why you weren't there."
"Why was your own brother more a father to your own child than you?"
A flicker of pain and slight anger crosses his face, and he reaches out, his hand suspended in mid-air before hesitating and retracting it.
"I simply did not care about you nor your mother. I was.. chasing the high life. And Elijah fell in love with Amara and he decided to stay for all those years."
"I understand if you can't forgive me. I was never there when you needed me, and I can't change that. All I can do now is try to be a better person, I wasn't expecting this, I never imagined you'd reach out and want to meet. But if you'll let me, I can be a part of your life."
The weight of his words hung heavily in the air between us. I can see the sincerity in his eyes, the earnest desire to make amends. And for a brief moment, I considered granting him the opportunity to make things right.
But the fear of history repeating itself gnawed at me. The fear that letting him back into my life would only bring disappointment and pain.
"I don't know if I can," I replied, my voice barely a whisper.
"I don't think people can change. I don't think that you genuinely want to be a part of my life, I can't just ignore all the years of your absence. Practically my entire life."
"It wasn't just me you weren't there for. It was them. Even after they died, you.. didn't even write me. Or attempt to contact me. I was 13 and I needed you and you.. you weren't there."
No one was.
Tears welling up in my eyes, the mix of anger, sadness, and foolish hope creating an overwhelming emotional storm within me.
With a heavy heart, I rise from the table.
As I turn to leave, my father's voice followed me, filled with remorse and a desperate plea,
"I understand. My sins will continue to haunt me everyday, not being there for you will haunt me everyday. But I'll be here if you ever change your mind. I hope to prove to you one day that I can be the father that 13 year old girl deserved."
With a heavy heart, I walk away, unsure what to do.
The scent of disappointment lingers in the air, yet a small, bit of hope sparks within me.
Perhaps, in time, I will find the resilience to forgive, to heal, and to let Zion Woods back into my life, but for now, the scars echoed louder than the desire for reconciliation. I'm not ready yet, I'm not ready for a lot of things right now.
And the discussion with Zion, has probably been one of the most hardest things I've ever had to do and it just makes everything else so much more stressful and confusing.
...
11:07 p.m
I wake up to the aggravating sound of my phone ringing. It's Leighton, it's also 11:07 p.m. and I'm exhausted from studying all day after the lunch with Mia and the visitation with my father. Which, god— sounds so weird my brain can't even comprehend it.
My eyes are barely functioning as I answer the phone,
"Hello?" I answer.
"Yeah, hello baby? I.. I know it's late but I really needed to hear your voice."
I get up slightly, my arm lifting the rest of my body up as my head is tilted on the phone. I'm so fucking tired and mentally and emotionally drained I can hardly process the strain in his voice.
I don't have time for this.
"It's late, Leighton. It's ridiculously fucking late." I reply, my voice sounding harsher than I expected.
"I know. I know. I just—"
"I'll talk to you tomorrow. I can't.. I can't deal with you right now. You're too much for me sometimes, okay? I'll talk to you tomorrow." I debate wether or not to end it. Right here, right now. Perhaps this is a sign. To just get it all over with and I don't even have to look in his annoyingly beautiful eyes to do it.
He's quiet for a minute.
"Leighton? Leighton? Are you there?" I finally ask.
But before I can even utter another word, he hangs up.
Weird.
But I don't question it as I sit my phone back on my nightstand and go back to sleep. What feels like only moments later, my phone rings again and when I look at the screen— it's 1:30.
"God! Leighton-"
"N-no. It's.. it's not Leighton." It's Hayden. On Leighton's phone. They were supposed to be hanging out tonight. His voice is a bit shaky, a sound I recognize instantly.
His voice sounds exactly like mine when I had to call the police when I found my mother's body.
My heart starts beating faster than it ever has before and I feel like it may go out at anytime, "Hayden? What's.. what is it? Why do you have Leighton's phone?" I try to calm down but I can't, my body can't function correctly and It's like everything inside me is screaming and on fire.
I shouldn't jump to conclusions. Everything's fine. Everything's fine. Everything's okay, everything's okay. It has to be. Everything has to be okay.
Hayden composes his self, his voice is clear—
"Leighton's.. been in an accident. It's bad, it's.. really bad. Jamie's here with Mia and she's not doing so good, I mean none of us are but we're on the way to hospital right now,"
My ears stopped listening after they heard, "Leighton's been in an accident."
My heart genuinely aches, like it's rotting. Like it's dying. I can't. I can't do this again. I can't. I can't lose another person.
My vocal cords are even worse as I can't even formulate a coherent sentence, my voice uncanny as the only thing I can breathe out is,
"W-what?"