He who endured my hardships with me
He now has gone to the fate that awaits mankind
Day and night, I have wept for him
I would not give him over for burial
For what if he had risen at my cries?
Six days and seven nights I waited
Until a worm crawled out of his nose
Since he has gone
There is no life left for me.
* * *
James died first. Remus ought to have expected that. He would have been waiting right at the front door; it would never even cross his mind to hide, or run.
Then Lily, standing in front of her son. Remus pictured her defiant face, her hands gripping the sides of the cot, her green eyes blazing. She would have met death with her eyes wide open, that was certain.
And then Peter, next. Oh Peter, the idiot - the brave, ridiculous idiot. He must have heard about James and Lily, he must have known at once who was to blame. After all those years in James and Sirius's shadow, Peter's first instinct had been to face Black himself.
He'd inadvertently led Aurors right to Sirius, so his brutal death hadn't been completely in vain.
Right to Sirius.
And there was the block. Like a curtain falling across the scene, Remus's mind wouldn't touch Sirius. He couldn't get there; couldn't picture any of it. He supposed that was his brain's way of protecting him. It hurt enough just knowing the bare facts.
Mary came over as soon as she'd hung up the phone. She was the only person he could have tolerated, anyway, and god; she was so strong. He lay his head in her lap, and she stroked his hair like a mother.
"Sirius," he wept, over and over, clinging to her skirt, "Sirius!"
"I know," she whispered back, tears streaming down her cheeks, dripping into his hair. "I know, I know..."
She'd brought a sleeping draught with her, and Remus drank it all down greedily, eager for escape. While he slept, Mary packed up all of Sirius's things. All of his clothes, his records, his books. When Remus got up, the flat seemed almost empty.
"I had Darren move them down to the garage," she explained. "You don't need to touch any of it until you're ready. The bike's gone, I don't know where."
"He must have taken it." Remus said, feeling numb. He was already wondering how much alcohol he had in the flat, and whether or not he ought to wait for Mary to leave before he started working his way through it.
"Remus... I have to go, now." She said, gently, standing up, hugging herself. She looked small. Mary had always been a larger than life sort of girl, but Remus realised that she could barely be 5'5.
"Yes, of course." He murmured. There was definitely some gin under the sink in the kitchen.
"I'll be gone for a while," she said. "I'm going... Darren's taking me to Jamaica, to stay with family. I need some time away, I don't know when I'll be back."
"Oh." He looked her in the eye, properly. She wasn't wearing any makeup - he hadn't seen Mary without eyeliner and lipstick since she was twelve.
"Is there... can someone stop by, to see you? I don't mind making a phone call for you?"
"It's fine." He said, "Don't worry about me."
"But I will." She said, smiling half-heartedly. "Are you sure I can't contact anyone?"
"There's no one." He said. I've got no one.
"Perhaps speak to Moody? Or Arthur?"
"Yeah, good idea." Remus nodded. He didn't want to talk to anyone, but he didn't want her to worry. "Do you know... What are we supposed to do, now?"
"I don't know."
"Have you spoken to Dumbledore?"
"Ha." Mary snorted, "Good luck getting hold of him. Too busy being congratulated by the ministry. He'll probably be at the... the memorial service."
Remus felt as if an ice cold blade was twisting in his gut. This couldn't be real.
"Why us." He said, looking up at her, desperate for answers, "Out of everyone. Why is it you and me left, and not Lily and James? Who decided that?! It's bollocks!"
"I know, sweetheart." She said, softly. "I know."
He couldn't wait any longer, he went to the kitchen and grabbed the nearest open bottle from the cupboard. Gin, leftover from some party or other. He didn't pour a glass, just drank.
"Remus," Mary said, chewing her lip, watching him from the living room, "I really do have to go... do you promise you'll get in touch with Arthur?"
"Yeah." He nodded. He just wanted her to leave, now. "See ya."
"Goodbye, love. I'll be back, I promise."
And she left. And Remus was alone.