Silence stretched the Captain's cabin as Alina, Mal and I tensed, ready for a fight. "No point in denying it, Miss Starkov. You are the Sun Summoner, and your friend there is Astrid Sisko, the Elemental." The Captain said calmly.
"You're right." Alina said, pushing her hands out and letting sunlight fill the room, spreading from the spheres of pure light in her palms. The Captain sat down, letting out a whistle.
"Impressive." He said, his tone carefree. "And it's not often I say that."
"Let us go. Or you'll be out twenty million kruge and a ship." Alina threatened, her sunlight still burning bright. The Captain chuckled.
"While I'm well aware you could consign us all to the watery deep," He said, rising to his feet and walking towards the whiskey he kept on his table, pulling off the stopper and pouring himself a glass. "You should really consider how far from the docks we are." I stepped forward.
"I think you're underestimating my character," I said confidently, and the Captain chuckled.
"I told you you'd like that one, Tolya." He said to the man standing behind us. "Besides, I'm not handing you over to the Fjerdans." He added, returning to his seat.
"You're not?" Alina and I chorused, confused.
"Saints, no." He said immediately, and then looked up, faking alarm. "Sorry, is it offensive to say that in the presence of a living Saint?" He questioned. I rolled my eyes at him. Mal rolled his eyes too, sitting down on one of the two chairs in front of the desk, facing the Captain.
"Okay. What do you want with us then?" Mal asked. Alina stood behind him, putting herself between Mal and Tolya protectively, while I sat down in the chair, propping my feet up on his desk confidently and arching my eyebrow at him, challenging him to tell me to pull my feet off. He didn't. Wise choice.
"With you? Nothing." The captain said. "Honestly, I'm not even sure who you are," He added, and I rolled my eyes again. "But the Sun Summoner... well you have to know you're quite valuable. And if Alina's valuable, you are... indescribable. A true, rare beauty. I meant your powers, but that face can win a thousand hearts too." He added to me, his blue eyes twinkling flirtatiously. I rolled my eyes up to the ceiling, groaning.
"Oh, Saints, kill me now."
"You just said you wouldn't turn them in for a bounty, pirate." Mal snapped, leaning forward.
"Privateer." He corrected.
"Oh," Mal and I mocked in unison.
"And what I said was I wouldn't hand her over to the Fjerdans. I said nothing of the Kerch or the Shu. I paid a small fortune to empty the dock and make sure you got on my ship. And frankly, I think the Fjerdans are severely undervaluing you. You especially." He added, throwing a glance at me.
"Happy to be the afterthought." I replied with fake enthusiasm.
"You're right. They are." Alina said, walking between Mal and I and putting her hands on his desk, leaning over. "Because you'll be able to ask the King of Ravka for twice as much." She added.
"You know the king?" He asked in mild disbelief.
"I'm the sun summoner." Alina deadpanned.
"Duh." I added.
"By all accounts, the First Army have now turned their sights on Grisha." The Captain said, no longer smiling. "Thanks to what you and your conspirator did in the Fold." My temper flared.
"Go to hell." I snarled viciously, bringing my feet back to the floor with a loud stomp.
"The Darkling and we were not partners." Alina snarled, straightening.
"He put a collar on us to control our powers and chained us to the bloody deck, you arrogant sod." I spat, getting up and leaning over his desk, getting in his face slightly. "And if anything, the Royal family is more of an enemy to Ravka than the Grisha. Considering what they really are." I sneered.
And there it was. My patience had thinned considerably since my experience in the Fold, and my tolerance for people like this man had waned. I never wanted to be put in the position Kirigan put me in again. And my anger towards the Royals for what they did to Genya- and what they never did for Ravka- had grown too.
"And what's that?" The Captain challenged.
"Astrid-" Mal said softly.
"Monsters. Heartless, entitled, sadistic monsters." I spat, and he looked at me with a stunned expression on his face. I sat down again, crossing my arms over my chest. "And yes, you can quote me to that fat demon when you turn us over." I added hatefully.
"You may believe otherwise, but once I tear down the Fold and reunite Ravka, the world will see we are not his ally." Alina added fiercely. She inhaled, calming her tone. "Help us, and you'll be rewarded."
"Tear down the Fold?" He echoed, stunned. He scoffed. "And how do you plan on doing that exactly?"
"By hunting Morozova's Sea Whip." Alina said.
"Alina!" Mal hissed, but she put her hand on his shoulder, stopping him from protesting. The Captain trilled his lips, letting out a slight huff and downing the rest of his whiskey.
"Well, I suppose if the stag existed, the Sea Whip and the Firebird might as well." He thought out loud. He looked up at her in realization. "Oh, you couldn't do it with one amplifier, but with two..."
"Unburdened by General Kirigan, under my own power." Alina said with a nod. "Will you help us or not?" She asked him. He got up and walked around the desk.
"There's adventure, danger, money?" He trailed off, his back to us. He turned around with a grin. "Now you're speaking my language." He said excitedly. "The name's Sturmhond." He added, and led us out into the main cabin. The crew was gathered around hammocks and the little kitchen. Only night watch would be on deck now.
"Oi ey, Capitan!" Someone cheered, and there were more cheers and applause.
"What is the difference between a privateer and a pirate?" Mal asked Alina, confused. Ahead of us, Sturmhond backtracked and pointed at a man using the loo.
"Yuri! I told you an apple would help!" He called excitedly. I looked straight ahead, while Alina held her hand up as a barrier and Mal muttered 'saints' as he passed him. "All right, listen up everyone!" Sturmhond shouted.
"Pipe down!" Someone yelled.
"We have guests!" Sturmhond called. "The Sun Summoner, the Elemental, and, uh... You are?" He asked Mal, confused.
"Malyen-"
"A guest of the Sun Summoner!" Sturmhond shouted, and I rolled my eyes. "Now I expect you'll treat them with all the respect I've come to know from you pack of liars and thieves." The crew laughed, and some banged their metal cups on the table. "Come along my darlings, come on, come on." He said cheerfully, gesturing for us to follow him to the back, where two empty hammocks were against the wall. "Now, you can have the two in the back. It's the most private suite we have." He joked.
"And me?" I asked. He turned around, still smiling.
"You'll be with Tolya, right there." He pointed to my left, and I turned to see that the man in question was sitting next to his sister beside two empty hammocks, halfway down the boat from where Alina and Mal were.
"See you in the morning, Miss Starkov. Miss Sisko." He added to me with a nod. He climbed up the steps, heading up to the deck. "Night watch! Joining you on deck!" He called.
"Aye Captain!"
"Astrid..." Alina trailed off, seeing how far away I was from them.
"It's fine." I assured her. I could protect myself. I walked over to the hammocks, looking at Tolya, who was still sitting next to his sister, snacking on something from a small pouch. "Which one's yours?" I asked quietly. I didn't want to draw more attention to myself, and I wasn't typically rude or outspoken. The charade I'd played in the Captain's cabin was fading slightly. My gut told me that Tolya, his sister and Sturmhond were meant to meet me.
"You can take the bottom one." He replied politely, and I nodded, sitting down on the hammock, letting my legs hang off the side as I pressed my back to the wall.
It was surprisingly comfortable.
"Astrid, is it?" I looked up to see Tolya sitting down on the small box next to my hammock.
"Tolya?" I checked, and he nodded.
"The one and only," He said brightly with a grin. I smiled hesitantly. He was very handsome. Tall, muscular. He wore a sleeveless vest, which was blue and gold, and his sword was on a sheath strapped around his chest. The handle stuck over his right shoulder quite far. I'm sure he'd accidentally hit someone before.
His head was shaved on the sides, but he had a strip black hair in a traditional Shu Han fashion down the middle of the top of his head, a very short braid no longer than an inch or two pinned up in a ribbon.
I looked around, awkward silence filling the air, before I noticed a book sitting on the box next to Tolya. "Is that a poetry book?" I asked curiously. His face lit up, and he picked it up, offering it to me so I could read the title. "Do you read?"
"I love poetry." He said happily, and I admired that. "Do you read?" He asked.
"I grew up reading these." I admitted.
"Where'd you grow up?" He asked. I smiled sadly.
"After my mother died, I grew up in an orphanage in Keramzin. It's where I met Alina and Mal." I said quietly.
"After our parents died, Tamar and I grew up in Shu Han on our own." Tolya said honestly, and I looked up from the book, meeting his hazel eyes. His eyes were pretty.
"I'm sorry," We said at the same time, and then we faltered. He chuckled, and I smiled awkwardly.
"Is red your real hair color?" He asked, and I shook my head. "So the black with the white streak, that's real?" He questioned, and I nodded, warily waiting for judgment. Instead, he smiled thoughtfully, nodding. "It's cool. So can you really do everything?" He asked curiously. I hesitated, before slowly nodding.
"I mean... I think." I said slowly. His head tilted to the side, and he furrowed his eyebrows, confused. "I'm good at some things, but I don't know much about others." I explained. "I'm good with elements and small Tailor things, like changing my hair. But I'm still learning how to do things a Durast can do, and I've only been a Heartrender once." I observed him, waiting to read his reaction.
"Grisha are born, not made. You've always been a heartrender." Tolya disagreed, his eyes gentle, his smile kind.
I wanted to trust him. I wanted to like him.
"I'm not Grisha. I'm just weird. My family called ourselves Elementals." I said, running my fingers down the cover of the poetry book.
"A Sun Saint is still a Grisha," Tolya said pointedly. I nodded, and awkward silence took over again. I stared down at the book. It'd been so long since I'd read these poems.
"Can I..." His eyes returned to me as I hesitantly spoke up. "Can I borrow this?" I asked, tucking a strand of red hair behind my ear shyly.
"Of course," He said brightly. "I hope you'll enjoy it as much as I do."
"Thanks." I said softly, carefully opening the cover and taking a look at the first page.
"I won't hurt you." I froze when Tolya spoke up softly. I slowly looked up, my eyes meeting his. "I can tell you're wary of me, and I don't blame you." He said politely. "I won't harm you, you have my word on that." He added, placing his hand over his heart and bowing his head slightly.
"What is a pirate's word worth?" I asked slowly. His gaze was intense.
"My word is worth everything. I never make promises I won't keep." He said firmly. "You can rest easy tonight." He added, his tone softer. I sighed heavily, looking over his shoulder, staring at the wall.
"I'd never rest easy," I murmured quietly, and he observed me. "The nightmares keep me awake." I admitted, picking at my fingers to avoid meeting his eyes. It was the first time I'd said that out loud.
I don't know why I was engaging in conversation with him. Telling him personal things. There was no doubt in the back of my mind that he was being honest.
There was no whisper telling me something wasn't right.
But I was so scared after what had happened with Kirigan, that I was afraid to trust myself.
I felt his skin touch mine, and stiffened, my eyes shooting to him quickly. He slowly and gently took the book from my hands, holding it up and then opening it, flipping to the middle.
"Perhaps a bit of poetry will ease the way." He suggested kindly, and my walls weakened. "Everyone mourns the first blossom." Tolya started reading quietly, and I slowly pulled my legs onto the hammock, laying down on my side and watching him as he read. His eyebrows furrowed slightly, and his finger tapped the spine of the book in a consistent rhythm. "Who will weep for the rest that fall? I will remain to sing for you, long after the spring has gone..."
I closed my eyes, and finally let sleep take me away.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Back in the Fold.
Darkness was all around me as I observed the tent, and how it had changed. Kirigan's war table was back, but it was different than last time. It was current. My mind was telling me that there was still so much fighting left to do.
He stood on the other side of the table, his hands on the wood, leaned over it slightly. Like how I'd found him before. He knew I was there, I knew that he knew. But he didn't look up.
"Why drag us back to the past?" I asked, walking closer to him. I couldn't escape this, no matter how hard I tried, so I gave up fighting, and engaged in conversation with him.
"The past informs everything." Kirigan replied. "It is the wound that will not heal."
"Your past is the reason for all ruin." I pointed out calmly. It was hard to look at him. To hear his voice.
"Yours makes you think you've found a family with your orphan friends.You think you've found a future." He shot back, and I stiffened, walking closer to him.
"I had a family. You took them away." I retorted, my temper flaring. "I found another family, and you tried to take them too." I stopped just a couple feet away from him, glaring at him harshly. "You say things, and then you do the opposite. You're toxic." I accused. "I have found a family with them."
"No. You will only grow more powerful. And he will only grow old." Kirigan told me, referring to Mal.
"I'll still have Alina." I responded.
"And when the loneliness takes her, after she loses him?"
"I won't need you." I said bluntly. I didn't know what would happen, but I couldn't imagine myself turning to him out of loneliness, especially after all that he'd done to me. To the people I cared about.
"I understand the loneliness you feel. The ache of it."
"I don't know what you're talking about." I denied, turning away from him and walking around the table, putting the entire thing between us, staring it over.
"It will never fade. It will only grow worse, no matter how far or fast you run." His voice grew louder as he walked around the table, coming towards me. I tensed, putting my hand out, stopping him from getting closer than a few feet. "You will come to accept that it's you and me. We will both live longer than her, and you know it. You know that you're more powerful than she is. It's just us." He repeated his words on the skiff. "There are no others like us. Understand there never will be."
I looked down at the kefta. It was the black kefta he'd made for me, the one I'd burned in that small village after I ran away. He raised his chin, seeing me take in the sight of the fabric. "We are not the same." I said calmly, taking off the material and tossing it to the ground. I was wearing a black dress underneath, but it was easy to change the color to red. "And I'm not wearing your color ever again." I added. He stared at the discarded material, hurt in his eyes. "This, it's a lie. A facade." His eyes looked up and he met my hurt gaze.
"You hate the world for making you hate yourself. But you've made me hate everything about myself." I pointed at myself, and he stared at me for a moment, stunned.
"What?" He asked, his voice soft and broken.
"Everything you pushed on me, everything I showed you, my gifts. My hair." I gestured to my black hair, my entire body. "You, in your so-called efforts to protect me..." I scoffed bitterly, shaking my head. "I
look in the mirror and I hate what I see. Because of you. I still feel this." I put my hands on my collar bone.
"I still feel this violation. The free will you took from me that I can never get back." I added, my voice breaking from my negative emotions. Tears burned the back of my eyes, and I looked away from him.
"The way you had me on a leash, like a toy. That's all I was to you. That's all we all are to you." I added, finally meeting his eyes fully. His eyes were wide as he watched me. I could tell he was in denial. "Little toys to pull around, abuse whenever it benefits you."
"Perhaps now you're getting an inkling of what it's like to be hunted." He said, frustrated and defensive. "But you still have no idea what it means to fake countless deaths, to have to reinvent yourself after every rebirth, to lose every loved one to sickness, desperation, hate," His voice rose with emotion. "And time."
"Is this how you justify your actions? Your loneliness? A wound that won't heal?" I asked quietly, taking a step towards him.
"You've yet to see the full shape of things... my Astrid." He breathed, coming closer to me. "You live in a single moment. I live in a thousand." He said harshly, turning away and leaning over the table again.
"Do you want me to feel sorry for you?" I demanded. "Because I do. I do feel sorry for you. I'm a fool, but I do. I empathize with what you went through. I believe your story about what happened to Luda, how you created the Fold, I understand." I said loudly.
He faltered, his head turning as his eyes met mine. "You... you do?" He asked emotionally.
"Yes, you stupid fool!" I shouted, throwing my hands up. "I tried to tell you that on the bloody skiff, I tried to tell you to stop, to listen, but you wouldn't! You were too wrapped up in yourself, in trying to kill us all, that you didn't listen! Because you're arrogant! You are so focused on making yourself out to be the broken victim, you never once admitted that you did wrong, not once!" I shouted, holding up one finger. "No accountability, no actual apology for what you did to me, to any of us! Genya did whatever you asked, and you subjected her to a life of torment. Zoya worshiped the ground you walked on, and you made her watch as you let the Fold swallow up her Aunt!" I spat.
He took a step back as I advanced on him, my finger pointed at him accusingly, my anger growing in waves that were practically rolling off of me.
"You said you loved me, you said you would never let the world brand us as heretics, and yet the entire world wants to kill me, and you know it, but you're doing nothing to stop it! You're just fanning the flames, adding your hatred to the mix, keeping the endless cycle of violence going! You come to me with the defense of being a broken little boy. Having problems, and damage." I sneered mockingly. "We all have bloody damage! I don't use it as an excuse to be a blight on the entire world." I snarled, and he flinched back from my hurtful words.
"If you had been honest with me, if you hadn't hurt the people I cared about, hunted me, chained me, if you hadn't used the bloody Cut on me-"
"That was an accident!" He interrupted, and I raised my finger, moving it higher from his chest level and putting it in his face.
"Do. Not. Interrupt me." I hissed, and he closed his mouth, obeying my command. I definitely imitated Baghra that time. I don't know why I was engaging in conversation with him, a part of me still thought he was dead. But something told me that he was alive. He survived, that's why the Fold was moving, and these dreams were a way of my subconscious making me accept that in order to survive.
"If you had made an effort to make a change, to make up for your actions, I might've stood by you. Forgiven you." His eyes filled with hope. "But you didn't. You only made things worse!" I shouted, throwing my arms up in the air in frustration.
"You weren't so broken that you couldn't have chosen not to do that to me. You could've followed the feeling you claim you had with me. Preserved that, instead of..." I trailed off, taking a step back from him. "... poisoning it." His face fell, despair in his eyes. "You're lonely because you betrayed me." I pointed at him first, and then myself.
"And by the bloody way, I'm not yours. I never was. I'm not an object to own." I added fiercely, balling up my fists.
"You took everything from me. And from yourself. There's no one to blame but you. The man I cared about is dead. Aleks is dead. When I find that fountain again, I'm going to reduce it to ash." I said lowly, my voice filled with venom. Silence bridged the gap between us as disappointment filled me, and I shook my head at him.
I took a moment before I said those next words to him. Because, on the slight chance that this was all real, and he was really in my head, I wanted these words to hit him where it hurt. I wanted him to feel the pain that I felt, even if just for a moment.
"This shell you are... that's all you are. You're already dead."
--------------------------------------------------
"Astrid, wake up." I opened my eyes and sat up quickly with a gasp, my face smacking into the cloth material of the hammock above me. I put a hand over my eyes and groaned, a minor headache coming on from how fast I sat up.
I rubbed my eyes and then massaged my temple for a moment before I turned my head slowly to my left. Tolya was kneeling next to me, and his hand was still on my elbow.
I jerked myself from his grasp and he immediately raised his hands in surrender, shuffling a few inches back to give me some space. I turned so my chest was facing him and my back was pressed against the wall.
"You were having a bad dream." He said quietly. Everyone else around us was still asleep.
"How long was I out?" I asked quietly.
"A few hours, give or take?" Tolya shrugged helplessly. I leaned my head back, closing my eyes and exhaling deeply through my nose with frustration. "Are you alright?" He asked, concerned.
"Is there a rule against me going on deck?" I asked, keeping my eyes closed.
"Um... no?"
"I need some air." I got up and brushed past him, slipping through the cabin quietly and carefully making my way up the stairs.