Now
It's the middle of May and the sun is beginning to hide itself behind the clouds, painting the streets of Kurashiki a light shade of purple.
Chaewon looks around as she makes her way through the thin crowd of people near the small stone bridge at the center, taking comfort at the sight of the street lamps and weeping willows lining the canals. She's on her way back to the tiny apartment she's called home the time she was away in hiding, a box of cake her boss had given her in her hands and Chaewon's already made plans to give it to Hanako and her grandmother after dinner later that night.
It's been a good day, she thinks to herself as she continues to walk forward. Only a little over a month since she's left Seoul, but she's begun to feel lighter than she ever did the past two years.
The hollowness and sadness born out of missing the people she loved still manages to slip through the cracks of her skin some days but she's learned to deal with it, she doesn't break under its pressure, under its force because for the first time in so long, Chaewon was alone but she wasn't completely lonely — she finds comfort in Sakura's messages telling her about the latest gossip swarming behind the scenes of the celebrity landscape back home, Kazuha's updates on the latest shenanigans their friends have done, Eunchae's sporadic messages featuring videos of cute animals, and Yujin's ability to keep finding ways to tease her 720 kilometers across the sea.
She finds comfort when she talks to Yunjin — not all the time, of course. They agreed to give each other space after all but the absence of constant messages and calls doesn't bother her because Yunjin's voice telling her "I'll be right here" sits in the back of her mind every day and it's more than enough to squash any kind of doubt that's threatening to slither in.
Chaewon knows it is going to be a long way to go before she could fully rebuild herself, before she can heal but she's sleeping better, faring better because the fear and the heartbreak that plagued her for years have finally vanished. She's alright because she knows she's going to go back one day and Yunjin — her best friend, the love her life — would still be there waiting for her with open arms no matter how long it takes her to find the Chaewon hidden underneath all the rubble from the aftermath of everything that ever happened to them.
So the sun sets in Kurashiki and Chaewon enters her apartment with a small smile knowing she's one more day closer to peace.
--
The band finally coerces the record label and the rest of the higher ups to extend their hiatus. After Yujin had come back from her honeymoon, the girl put on her most determined face, hair sleek and pinned to the sides, and decided she's going to stand her ground much firmer this time around.
(The girls had teased her about the honeymoon being too good but they all jumped in to the plan.)
And so she had marched to the office along with the members of the band and negotiated the terms and duration of their break.
By 'negotiated', they actually meant threatening the label that they'll leave if they keep pushing them to their limits.
It was a very shitty exchange but they got out with a victory, with a win that comes in the form of an indefinite hiatus — that way they'd be no pressure or rush for them to come back.
"Think it'll stick?" Sakura asks Yunjin, grinning.
"I sure hope so." Yunjin replies, mirroring her friend's expression.
Yujin gets in between them and slings an arm around both of them.
"And once again, say 'Yujin is the best'."
Yunjin and Sakura roll their eyes but they break into smiles anyway.
"Yujin, you're the best."
--
Then
From the night she met and talked to Yujin at Club Answer, after years of nothing, Wonyoung had started to feel the guilt creeping up at her. It's there when she's immersed in a phone call with Yujin, it's there when they exchange texts and Yujin acts like the past four years did not happen. It eats her up constantly but she just couldn't find it in herself to ignore her for the sake of hiding and letting herself wallow in shame and regret — not when Yujin is there, flashing her a smile made out of pure sunshine, not when she's spent the last four years without her.
That is probably why even though it's nearly two in the morning, Wonyoung did not hesitate to put on a sweater and leave her apartment when her phone lit up with a text from Yujin saying, "I'm hungry."
She drives off and meets Yujin at a 7-Eleven near Le Sserafim's apartment building. The latter's already standing idly by, waiting for her to arrive.
"Can I just say," Yujin begins to say just as Wonyoung's getting out of her car. Wonyoung raises her eyebrows, egging her to continue. "I didn't think you'd actually go out."
"And why not?" Wonyoung asks, shutting the car door before fully facing her.
"It's a few minutes past two in the morning, Wonyoung."
Wonyoung rolls her eyes. "I was still awake." She throws a teasing glance at Yujin and smirks ever so slightly. "Plus I didn't wan't wittle Yujin to go out on her own, god knows she wouldn't last the night without consuming at least four hot bars."
Yujin scoffs, placing a hand over her heart in mock offense. "You are so terribly wrong. I wouldn't last a night without consuming at least five hot bars, thank you very much."
"And you couldn't have done it a much more reasonable hour?"
"Nah. I wanted to lure you out in the open and maybe murder you, Miss I'm-A-Little-Shit-And-Proud." Yujin replies nonchalantly, burying her hands in her pajama pockets for warmth as they walk towards the store across the street.
Wonyoung's giggles ripple throughout the small parking lot.
"No offense, Yuj, but I've seen you have full conversations with babies like they're capable of understanding advanced human speech. You're like a chicken nugget trying to threaten me."
"I will end you."
They're at the front of the store when Wonyoung casually responds with an "Okay, baby." The word baby slipping out of her mouth before she could do anything to stop it.
Fuck.
Wonyoung begins to contemplate screaming and running away.
Yujin chuckles, voice cracking at the end before an awkward silence settles between them.
Wonyoung then starts to think of driving off someplace else, changing her name to Dumbass Jang, and live as a hermit who knows how to act for the rest of her god forsaken life.
But before she could do any of those, Yujin clears her throat as she opens the door for them.
Wonyoung gives her a shaky smile and enters the store, hurriedly trotting off to the shelf stocked with chocolates. Yujin follows her, not oblivious to Wonyoung's obvious embarrassment about the accidental use of their endearments before.
Her chest feels constricted at the memory, she's been trying so hard not to acknowledge their past relationship, telling herself it wasn't time yet.
The moment she met Wonyoung again, she's been trying to push down the pain and awkwardness she's supposed to feel when she's with her. She knows they should address it but it's hard to do so, especially when they'd started to hang out again. Yujin was good at being in denial but she wasn't going to pretend like she didn't miss Wonyoung all this time, she wasn't going to let her pride take the reins and ruin things for her.
So she's willing to get hurt while they pretend.
After all, being with Wonyoung and putting a smile on her still very beautiful face was well worth the pain and trouble.
"Sheesh, help me find the hot bars first before running off." she chides, nudging Wonyoung's shoulder with hers. She gives her a grin when the girl turns to her, red dusting her cheeks. "And stop blushing, it's becoming painfully obvious that you have a crush on me."
The embarrassment washes off Wonyoung's face as she picks up a Meiji bar and hits Yujin with it.
"It's the cold." Wonyoung argues, trying (and obviously failing) to convince herself that the blush on her cheeks were because of the store's air conditioning set on the max and not because of the sight of Yujin looking so terribly adorable in her loose dark checkered pajama pants and light gray bear printed shirt that's too big for her.
Nope, definitely not because of that.
Yujin laughs lightly, cheeks beginning to resemble the mocha she eats during breaks, relieved that the awkwardness has vanished.
Wonyoung's cheeks grow redder.
Definitely not because of the sound of Yujin's laughter.
"Okay, whatever you say, Jang." Yujin tells her, trying to chastise her. Wonyoung was about to take the bait and believe that Yujin is going to give her a break when the latter grabs her hand and pulls her to the hot bar section.
Yujin earns another hit from Wonyoung's chocolate bar but neither of them let go anyway.
--
They manage to make it out of the store almost half an hour later but not without the humongous amount of effort from Wonyoung to pry the several bags of chips from Yujin big ass hands of course.
"They're new flavors, Wonyoung!" Yujin had reasoned.
"We'll end up buying the whole fucking shelf, Yuj."
Yujin had pouted at that and Wonyoung's pretty sure she died on the spot, got dragged through hell, resurrected for about five times before she could remind herself to stand firm and not fall for the dirt trick Yujin is pulling just to buy the chips Wonyoung's sure she won't be able to finish eating.
So now they're at the parking lot across the street, sitting on the hood of Wonyoung's car while listening to the soft hum of music from Yujin's phone with both of them occasionally singing along, and eating the food they had brought from the store.
Yujin munches on the sausages on a stick happily while Wonyoung eats bits and pieces of the three cheese sandwich she has on her hands.
"I used to do this with Chaewon back in uni." Yujin tells her after putting the stick on a separate plastic bag they used for trash. Her tone bordering casual and detached, as if she's talking about the weather.
Wonyoung hums in response, she knows Chaewon's a sore subject and she didn't expect Yujin to bring her up so she doesn't really know how to respond. But when she looks over and sees the wistful smile on Yujin's lips, Wonyoung immediately gets it.
"You miss her, don't you?"
Yujin laughs softy.
"A lot."
"Is that why you asked to meet up? Because you missed doing this with her?"
Yujin responds with a nod. "That and because the penthouse has gotten so..." Yujin pauses, brows furrowing as she tries to come up with the word that would best describe her and her friends' apartment, "...silent, I guess. Every day for the past three years, I'd go home with five really loud girls, I'd wake up to them bickering and laughing over eggs in the morning, and I'd fall asleep to them giggling and talking over the TV."
Wonyoung waits for her to continue.
"And when one of them left, it's like the world just went quiet. They've been trying to pick up the pieces but it's just not the same. Yunjin most especially." Yujin chuckles and shakes her head, staring at the store right across the two of them. "She thinks she's subtle but her room's right next to mine and I hear her crying most nights."
Yujin finally tears her gaze away from the building and looks back at Wonyoung .
"It's obviously been a pretty terrible few months for us. Plus the label wouldn't get my ass off about the band's comeback, threatening to fire my ass if they don't get shit the next month." she continues. "I guess I just wanted to get out of there tonight, you know? Before the silence and the pressure began to suffocate me. I guess I'm just tired."
Wonyoung bites her lip, heart feeling heavy at Yujin's admission.
"It's okay to feel tired, you know? You're going through a lot right now. No one should hold it against you when you want to take a breather even just for a few hours." Wonyoung tells her.
"I know." Yujin replies, smiling softly. "But I somehow feel guilty. I was the one who dragged them all into this show business crap and that everyone would have had a much better time living a normal life compared to this really draining one. I love them so much that's why I work myself to the bone trying to defend them and fight for them. I love them that's why I feel like shit when I see them in shambles."
"For someone as intellectually gifted as you are, you seem to forget you're still human, Yuj. You're human — you get tired, you need breaks. And you didn't drag any of them into this, you helped them do what they love. They said yes because they wanted to, because they knew you were going to be there to guide them. They said because they trusted you, it's not your fault the record label became shitty when they started to get popular."
Yujin laughs at that.
"Yeah, I guess money really has a certain grip on a lot of people."
The older girl stretches before leaning back on both of her palms and looks at the dark sky. She stares wistfully at the expanse, freckled with stars and clouds and murmurs, "All of this makes me miss the times when it was the five of us playing at Impurities for a few bucks. I love having Kkura and Eunchae of course but back then it was just me singing and performing with my friends, it was less stressful and it carried no pressure at all."
Wonyoung bunches her brows together.
"Why did you stop?" she asks, immediately cursing her tongue for having no brakes so early in the fucking morning. A part of her wishes she should have just shut her mouth and enjoyed the sight of Yujin looking up at the clouds with a small smile.
Yujin clicks her tongue and laughs again.
"I guess we're doing this now," she replies with a shrug before sitting up again, "might as well."
"I'm sorry. You don't have to tell me, I didn't mean to pry —" Wonyoung says, tasting the bitter tang of regret on her tongue.
"It's okay, Wonnie. It's about time I tell you the truth anyways." Yujin tells her, voice soft with reassurance.
"Okay. I'm here to listen."
It goes silent for a brief moment, with nothing but the sounds of passing cars and the occasional sound of the convenience store door opening and closing filling their ears. Wonyoung gives Yujin a sideways glance and she waits.
"I stopped singing because I got sick." Yujin starts, playing with the hem of her sweater. She turns to Wonyoung with a crooked smile as she continues. "Remember when I kept getting sick and we both thought it was just a terrible case of the common cold? Turns out I had nodules in my vocal cords and it was going to get worse if I didn't do anything about it."
Yujin pauses, considering what to say next without tearing up. Years later and it still hurt, the wound hasn't healed, she's just gotten good at pretending it isn't there. A sigh escapes her lips, a cloud of her breath disappearing as quickly as it appeared.
"And it was like my whole world fell apart. I just shut down. After you left, I decided to quit singing altogether and went into surgery. Sakura took over, Eunchae joined, and the rest was history."
Wonyoung looks down at their shoes, dirty from wear. The bitter memories of the times Yujin began to disappear and ignore her begin flooding her head again, the days and nights she spent thinking she might actually go insane from thinking about what was happening with Yujin, only now the bitterness is replaced with even more regret and sadness as Yujin's revelation finally sinks in.
"Christ, Yujin." Wonyoung exhales harshly, turning to Yujin. She gets the urge to reach over and pull her into a tight embrace but she wills herself not to because she feels like she doesn't deserve to hold Yujin after everything. She settles for an "I'm really sorry."
It comes out weak and it breaks before she gets to the last syllable.
"It's okay. You didn't know." The older girl says with a click of her tongue. "I was going to tell you — the night you told me about the Paris internship, but I chickened out because I just heard my girlfriend was chosen to be in a kickass internship program out of the country and I didn't want to ruin it for her."
Wonyoung's breath hitches, regret continuing to take over her entire being. "Still, Yuj. We... we could have done something about it."
Yujin just shakes her head. "Dumbass, no we wouldn't. I knew you would've considered not taking the internship to help me get through my shit and I just couldn't let you. I would rather get hurt than let you turn down something amazing all because of me."
"You don't know that, Yuj —"
"You'd choose love, Wonnie. Remember?" Yujin murmurs, cutting her off. Wonyoung's chest begins to feel heavier by the minute as she tightens her grip on her sandwich like it's the only thing stopping her from crying.
She remembers.
Of course she does.
The former continues, eyes becoming glassy, "You'd choose love and I didn't want you to, not this time. So I went ahead and choose duty."
"You did what you had to do." Wonyoung replies, echoing the sentiment Yujin made under the yellow lights of the street lamps lining the outside of the mall from years ago.
Yujin nods, lips pursed into a loose line.
"I did what I had to do because I wanted to," she tells her, Wonyoung notices a split second of hesitation before Yujin decides to go on, "because I love you."
Because I love you.
It's what sends Wonyoung over the edge and she finally breaks into tears.
Her sandwich lays limp on her left hand as she buries her face into her right, palm wet with the tears staining her cheeks.
"Fuck you, Yujin." Wonyoung mutters, trying not to choke in between sobs. "You really are one self-sacrificing idiot."
The girl beside her has the audacity to laugh.
"You look really dumb right now. What would twenty-one year old Wonyoung say?"
"She'd say An Yujin is a jerk." Wonyoung replies, furiously wiping her tears away. Yujin laughs again, the steady hum of the vending machine right outside the store buzzing along. Wonyoung punches Yujin lightly on the shoulder, still trying to stop crying.
"This isn't how I thought my night would go when I went out to meet you. I expected to see you devour who knows how many hot bars, not me looking like a mess after crying," she grumbles, cheeks still wet with tears.
"Stop crying, okay?" Yujin tells her, voice gentle. "I picked myself back up. And it turned out great for both of us. Well, I'm in some sort of shit right now but you get the point."
"I know, Yuj. I don't regret pursuing my dreams but I regret hurting you. I regret leaving you like that."
"It's o —"
"No, don't say it's okay because it isn't." Wonyoung says resolutely. "I hated that I left things between us that way. Even before I left, I kept finding myself walking towards your dorm and wanting to ask you to take me back."
She looks at Yujin, not caring if she looks like a mess, not caring if she might come to regret the words that are going to slip out of her mouth the next few seconds.
"I love you, Yujin. I still do." Wonyoung's heart hammers against her chest at the admission, and her feet begin to grow cold when Yujin does nothing except look at her with furrowed brows. "And all I want to do is make it up to you. All I want to do is be with you again if you'll still have me."
The way Yujin's brows relax and the way her face softens causes Wonyoung's stomach do a triple backflip and a hundred somersaults.
"I know, Wonyoung." The older girl says. "But for now let's work on rebuilding our friendship, okay?"
Yujin gives a fond smile, and it is then that Wonyoung really looks at her, it is then that Wonyoung notices the streaks of tears trailing down her cheeks. And once again, Wonyoung's stunned at how selfless and caring and forgiving An Yujin really is. After everything that's happened to her, to them, Wonyoung finds it very incredible that Yujin's heart had remained gentle.
"You're ridiculous," she finds herself saying.
Yujin throws her a smirk, the words reminding her of a memory involving a swing set outside Kim Minju's house and offers of lunch. "That's a weird way to say no."
Wonyoung seems to have caught on and grins.
"I'm glad you know it's a no."
"Ah," Yujin muses, a haughty smirk still plastered on her face. "I'm still not used to hearing that word."
"Like I said before, there's always a first time for everything."
Yujin lets out a chuckle and says, "Come on. What do you say? Friends?" before leaning closer towards Wonyoung, the smirk on her face turning into a dopey smile. The latter holds her breath at the proximity and breathes out, smiling back.
"Okay."
"Cool." Yujin then holds a hand out to her. "Hi, I'm Yujin."
Wonyoung looks at Yujin's tear streaked face illuminated by the light coming from the 7-Eleven storefront and remembers the girl who sat on the swing with her, half-drunk from the Jungle Juice, demanding to know why Wonyoung hated her. She remembers the girl who offered her friendship even after Wonyoung was a complete asshole to her. She remembers the forgiveness and the understanding nature behind Yujin's smile and her heart feels lighter when she sees it's still reflected in her eyes even until now.
She looks at Yujin and Wonyoung does what she always does when she's with her: take a leap.
Wonyoung snickers, the weight on her shoulders from all the tension and the regret slowly starting to evaporate — not completely but she knows she'll get there.
She takes Yujin's outstretched hand into hers and gives it a gentle shake.
"Hi, I'm Wonyoung."
Yujin's laughter echoes in the vast space and it fills Wonyoung with pure, unadulterated joy. And there, outside of a small convenience store in downtown Seoul, at half an hour past two in the morning, with Yujin's hand in hers, Wonyoung relearns what it feels like to have someone love you unconditionally.
--
Now
Wonyoung and Yujin move to a house in Jamsil three months after their wedding.
The couple throws a small housewarming party celebrating their step into yet another great new chapter of their life together. Yunjin comes over with their friends, a bottle of celebratory wine in her hands as she follows Kazuha and Sakura to the front door of the relatively big and sophisticated house.
Yunjin admires the cream colored walls and dark grey accents, and the plants and foliage intricately decorating the front yard. They make their way inside and she sees a few paintings and a few vinyl records hung on the wall. Yunjin smiles, the furniture, the decorations — everything was a mix of Yujin and Wonyoung, and she's genuinely happy for the two of them.
"Hey!" Yujin greets them when she sees them enter the living room. "Where's Eunchae?"
"She needed to pick Garam up." Sakura replies, smirking knowingly. "Don't worry, she promised she'd bring you that cake you guys liked from the bakery downtown."
Yujin grins wider. "That's exactly why Eunchae is my favorite."
Sakura rolls her eyes and shoots Wonyoung a look. "It's only been a few months, you can still escape this monster."
Wonyoung sighs in feigned frustration, looking back at Sakura with a pained expression. "With the way she snores, I just might consider it."
Yujin scoffs, dramatically putting a hand over her heart as she goes along with her wife's antics, "I'm appalled. You chose me, Jang!"
"That I did." Wonyoung muses, giving her a kiss on the cheek which effectively makes Yujin stop her dramatics.
"Jesus, we're still here. Keep your pants on." Kazuha groans, Yunjin just laughs at her and the obvious red tint that dusted Yujin's cheeks.
"Yujin, why are you blushing? You guys are married." Yunjin teases.
"Fuck you." Yujin fires back, sticking her tongue out.
"Glad to know my charm hasn't worn off, dear wife." Wonyoung says with a grin before turning to them. "Let's get some food, yeah?"
"Don't mind if we do."
--
Yunjin gets cornered by Yujin once the get-together mellows down. She's sitting by herself on one of the stools in front of the kitchen island while she took a sip of the fancy champagne the couple had brought out for the celebration when she feels a presence behind her.
She turns around and sees Yujin with an eyebrow raised and smirk on her face.
"Why are you on a date with a glass of champagne?" the older girl asks, taking a seat on the stool next to hers.
Yunjin giggles. "It's a fancy one, I couldn't resist its charm."
Yujin lets out a laugh, nudging Yunjin's shin with her foot. Her teasing expression turns soft and gentle. For a moment, Yunjin is reminded of the girl who sat her down and listened to Yunjin open up about everything after Chaewon left, and she feels an irrefutable wave of gratefulness sweep through her — she gives the older a girl a soft smile that mirrors the latter's expression.
"Jen," Yujin begins, voice still soft. "I'm sure you've been asked this a lot but, how are you?"
Yunjin keeps the smile on her face as she looks away. "I'm doing okay. For real this time."
Yujin nods, encouraging her to continue, telling her she's there to listen.
"I feel lighter, somehow. It's not as if the anxiety and all the terrible things that go with it have magically disappeared because obviously just a little time off isn't going to make it go away but I don't feel like I'm fighting a losing battle anymore. I don't feel great, or over the fucking moon. But I feel okay, Yujin. Just okay. I haven't felt that way in so long and I feel so thankful that I've been feeling that way again."
The girl beside her squeezes her arm lightly, making Yunjin turn to look at her again. The latter sees Yujin smiling at her, face painted with a gentle type of pride — the type of pride mothers have for their kids. She makes a mental note to tease Yujin about how she's become even more motherly after she and Wonyoung ties the knot, for now she revels in the smile, still grateful and warm.
"I'm really proud of you, Yunjin."
Yunjin shakes her head, willing the tears that are threatening to spill away, and snickers. "Don't make me cry. It's your housewarming party, you're absolutely forbidden to make me cry."
She hears her laugh, louder this time.
"Don't worry, I won't expose crybaby Yunjin right now." Yujin reassures her, momentarily reverting back to the teasing state she was in earlier before she goes a little bit more serious. "How is Chaewon though?"
Yunjin can't help the smile that forms on her face.
"She got a job at a bakery," she murmurs, voice immediately enveloped with the fondness she has for Chaewon.
"I'm glad you're keeping in touch."
Yunjin takes a sip of her champagne again and nods.
"Yeah but she and I had this agreement not to constantly talk while we're away from each other, so we don't really talk a lot." She pauses, staring at her almost empty champagne flute. She lets out a breath before she continues. "But I'd message her sometimes, call her when things get really bad. It sucks because I miss her and sometimes I get this urge to book a plane ticket to Japan and just go to her but I keep reminding myself to stick to our agreement because I know we both need this."
Yunjin lets out a long sigh.
"Now that there's no divorce or any kind of shit like that that's occupying my mind right now, it's like all my heart knows what to do right now besides pumping blood is miss Chaewon."
"Ah, I know the feeling." Yujin murmurs, grinning slightly as she briefly thinks of all those times she and Wonyoung were apart with nothing else to go by except the songs they were listening to as some sort of secret messages.
Yunjin looks at Yujin, her eyebrows bunched together in genuine curiosity. "Did you ever regret letting Wonyoung go?"
Yujin looks over at Wonyoung who's smiling so brightly at what Sakura is currently saying that her eyes begin to crinkle on the sides, and she finds herself smiling as well. She thinks of the mornings she now spends waking up with Wonyoung beside her, of the breakfasts she's spent serenading Wonyoung with the ridiculous use of breakfast food as singing puppets; she thinks of the dinners, the quiet nights, and turns to Yunjin again with a slight shake of her head.
"No." Yujin replies. "Letting her go the first time was a good call. If it meant that I got to have this with her now, I can't find it in myself to regret any of it."
--
Then
Yujin is stressed enough to let herself get dragged to a nightclub. Yuna and Ryujin from uni, and now from the record label that handles the band, managed to convince her to go out and let loose for a bit. Truthfully, she was rarely ever in a mood to go out in a place crowded with sweaty bodies who belonged to people drunk off their asses but she'd like to reiterate that she's so fucking stressed, so maybe Yuna and Ryujin had a point.
So she goes out, and of course, she brings Wonyoung to suffer with her — they'd been inseparable ever since the night at the parking lot.
The four of them are cramped in a booth together, praising Ryujin for going for the quieter way of getting smashed by picking a small speakeasy deep into the streets of Itaewon. Yujin's days of getting shitfaced were far behind her so she opts for the unreasonably expensive iced tea while her friends take their turns ordering their respective drinks that would give them the buzz.
Wonyoung doesn't drink that much either, at least not until Yujin gets up to go to the restroom to freshen up. She's been gone for a while and Wonyoung's starting to get worried, she cranes her neck towards the direction of the women's rest room but doesn't see her. She looks around some more while still trying to keep up with the conversation she's been having with Yuna and Ryujin, and she finally spots her.
The universe must have been fucking with her because the clubs lights flash purple and pink as a new song starts and she sees her talking to some girl Wonyoung doesn't know. By then, the conversation on the table gets drowned out by the song — something by Arctic Monkeys, she thinks idly as she watches Yujin grin, shoulders shaking with laughter. She knows there is a painful sting in her chest when she sees the girl's hand move up and squeeze Yujin's arm, an action that, according to the way Yujin smiles, is not at all unwelcome.
She doesn't even know why she's feeling a surge of possessiveness mixed with hurt and a whole lot of pain, she and Yujin were just friends. Just friends because Wonyoung respects what Yujin wants, because she loves her enough to wait for things to get sorted out. It's been months of hanging out, constant talking, being each other's plus ones to events, concerts, recitals, not to mention the copious amounts of cuddling — the works. She's been enjoying it but they've never really talked about what they really were, it's like they both agreed to be friends because that was the right thing to do and it just stuck.
So they're still just friends, and Yujin totally has the right to meet and mingle with people — especially tall, very good-looking, raven haired girls who looked like they're one of the angels some god had sent down to Earth to check up on those mere mortals living in it. Yujin is absolutely free to talk and smile and whisper things very closely to good-looking girls who look so good in spaghetti strapped black dresses.
Wonyoung absolutely does not have the right to feel jealous and sad and be on the verge of crying.
But her heart hurts anyways and the jealousy takes root inside heart and it makes itself feel at home and Wonyoung can't do anything about it. She begins to think that she's a full-fledged masochist because despite the uncomfortable hammering of her chest, she cannot bring herself to look away, downing shot after shot after shot, not caring if the tequila burned through her throat after each swallow.
Yuna and Ryujin pause their conversation and end up just blinking at her in disbelief as they watch the shot glasses end up empty on the table. Yuna finally must have noticed her staring because the disbelief in her face disappears and it morphs into a smug one.
"Danielle." Yuna says, snapping Wonyoung back to her senses. She looks away from Yujin and the girl — Danielle, and shoots Yuna a questioning look.
"Danielle." Yuna repeats. "The girl with Yujin is Danielle."
"Oh." Wonyoung replies, hating how dejected she sounds. She hopes the music blaring through the club is loud enough to conceal it. "She's pretty."
"She models, I think, and act too. She starred in one of Le Sserafim's music videos a few years back, that's how she met Yujin." Yuna continues before taking a sip of her appletini.
"They went on a few dates before." Ryujin adds and Wonyoung tries not to let her face fall when she hears that.
"She's pretty," is all Wonyoung manages to say.
Yuna smirks at her knowingly. "You said that already, Jang."
Wonyoung just shakes her head. "Let's get, as what the young people call it, shitfaced."
And before Yuna and Ryujin could stop her, Wonyoung's already called a server to order more tequila shots for their booth.
She can't pull Yujin away from someone Yujin likes to talk to so figures drinking away all the irrational feelings would help her. The alcohol burns, not even the salt on the rim of the shot glasses could help alleviate the scorching feeling but it seems like a good idea anyway.
--
It was not a good idea.
Wonyoung ends up getting really drunk to the point where she can barely see Yuna and Ryujin in front of her. Her head is spinning but her hands just keep putting a shot glass in front of her mouth and she feels like she has no choice but to drink its contents. By the time Yujin walks back to their booth, Wonyoung's already downed her tenth? Fifteenth? Seventeenth?
"We couldn't stop her." Ryujin tells Yujin, lips turned down apologetically.
"I think you should take her home, Yuj." Yuna suggests, throwing Wonyoung a concerned look as the latter cradles a shot glass in both her hands and giggles. Yujin sighs but agrees anyways.
--
"You sure it was the right move to conveniently leave out the part about the dates Yujin and Kazuha went on didn't really pan out?" Yuna whispers to Ryujin as they watch Yujin haul Wonyoung to the door.
"Jealousy is sometimes a good motivator."
"Sometimes."
"Well," Ryujin shrugs, "let's hope this is one of those times."
--
Wonyoung's already drunk to the point of not being able to stand up, let alone walk outside the bar and towards Yujin's car so Yujin has no choice but lug a twenty-five year old woman on her back. It was a tough walk (especially with the judging looks the bar goers were giving her) but she manages to carry her and tuck her safely in the passenger seat.
Yujin starts the engine and drives to the Wonyoung's apartment, already decided to stay over. She figures Wonyoung should not be left unsupervised. And as if on cue, Wonyoung giggles again beside her. Yujin steals a glance a sees the girl snickering at her own reflection from the window.
"Wonnie," Wonyoung tells her reflection.
Yujin forces down a laugh.
Yep. Should not be left unsupervised at all.
--
Yujin, by some miracle, manages to carry Wonyoung back to her apartment on the 12th floor, she begins to appreciate elevators even more on their way up. She types in Wonyoung's door code and pushes the door open before carrying Wonyoung onto the couch. The latter giggles and stares at the ceiling when Yujin makes her sit.
"I'm gonna get you a glass of water to help you sober up." Yujin tells her, the girl doesn't say anything but she gets a nod anyways so she makes her way to Wonyoung's fridge and grabs a pitcher of cold water.
"Hey... Hey, Yujin," Wonyoung calls out from her spot on the couch, words slurring at every other letter, " I was wondering, if a baby's leg pops out at 11:59 PM but their head doesn't come out until 12:01, which day was the baby born on?"
Yujin hears her finish the question as she returns to Wonyoung's side, the glass of water in her hands making her palm sting with the coldness.
"I watched a documentary on childbirth and it fucked me up." Wonyoung drones on.
Yujin fails to stifle a snort. "Christ, Wonyoung. What are you on?" she asks, genuinely unaware of whatever Wonyoung had been drinking.
"The couch." Wonyoung answers simply, still staring at the cream colored ceiling in awe, a sleazy grin on her face.
Yujin laughs again. "Oh my god. Wonyoung, you're buzzed on alcohol. How high are you?"
Wonyoung fucking giggles again before looking at Yujin, eyes hazy and lids hooded, lips still in a dopey smile. "173cm."
"Jesus Christ." Yujin says with another loud laugh. "Sober Wonyoung would kick you if she heard you."
"Sober Wonyoung isn't here." Wonyoung sing songs as she drops her head back on to the headrest. "I can and will fist fight Sober Wonyoung and I would win."
"Sure, champ. Here, drink some water." Yujin murmurs, taking a seat beside her as she helps her drink. "I'm so glad you haven't vomited yet," she adds gratefully.
Wonyoung grins at her, giving her a thumbs up before hunching forward and does exactly what a person completely intoxicated by several shots of alcohol does — vomit on her white carpet.
--
One very exhausting clean up after, Yujin finally puts Wonyoung in bed. With a glass of water and a bunch of painkillers on her bedside table, Wonyoung's prepped for tomorrow's destructive hangover. Once she's made sure Wonyoung's already tucked in safely, Yujin moves to get out of her room and evacuate to the couch but before she can walk away, Wonyoung calls out to her again.
"Danielle," Wonyoung mumbles sleepily. Yujin raises one brow up, kneeling beside Wonyoung as she wonders why Wonyoung knows her or why she's even bringing her up.
"Hm?"
"She's pretty," is all she says, only small smile that doesn't really look like one at the first glance. It's almost sad-looking.
"She is." Yujin replies, arching an eyebrow. "What about her, though?"
"You liked talking to her." Wonyoung mumbles again. "You were smiling and everything. You look pretty when you smile."
A light bulb lights up inside Yujin's head.
Ah, that's why she got drunk.
Wonyoung must have seen her with Danielle earlier.
"She's a friend." The older girl tells her, trying not to giggle. It's a weird feeling seeing Wonyoung get jealous after so long — good weird, a butterflies-versus-rhinos-wrestling-match-inside-her-stomach weird.
"I'm also your friend." Wonyoung counters, voice cracking like she's about to start crying.
Yujin's gaze softens, she reaches out and places a hand on Wonyoung's cheek. "You're my someone greater, Wonyoung."
Wonyoung takes a moment to let Yujin's words sink in. And finally, she smiles, eyes crinkling on the sides, when she looks back at Yujin.
"I love you," she says, encasing the hand that's on her cheeks with her own.
"I know." Yujin tells her, she doesn't pull her hand away and instead presses a chaste kiss on Wonyoung's forehead. Wonyoung's honest even when she's drunk off her ass so Yujin figures she should be honest as well.
"I love you too."
Wonyoung might not remember the exchange when she wakes up but a part of Yujin is glad she's found the courage to say it back to her again.
--
"Was I drunk enough to the point where I imagined you telling me you loved me too last night?" Wonyoung asks Yujin at breakfast, the smell of eggs filling in her nostrils and making her mouth water.
Yujin almost drops the spatula. She freezes for a moment, trying to gain her bearings before deciding to just get on with it but not making a big deal out of it.
I'm An Yujin and pretty girls don't make me nervous, she thinks to herself with a sigh.
She clears her throat and throws Wonyoung a brief onceover, the spark of electricity stings her skin when she sees the latter had already been staring at her. Yujin gives her a shaky smile.
Alright, well maybe pretty girls do make me want to shit my pants.
Wonyoung, whose irises look brighter and are showing off specks of light brown and gold under the sunlight streaming through her window, is still looking at her like she's some kind of puzzle she just can't seem to solve. The way the light hits her face just right almost makes her want to fall over.
Okay, maybe pretty girls named Jang Wonyoung make my heart want to burst out of my chest and make my lungs want to explode.
Wonyoung raises an eyebrow and Yujin knows she's lost all the resolve she has.
"I don't know, you certainly were not too drunk to forget that I did," she mumbles, quickly turning back to the eggs she's been cooking.
"Oh." Wonyoung breathes out and Yujin knows she doesn't have to look at her to know the girl's smiling. "So... does that mean you and I are a go...?"
Yujin clicks the stove off and places the eggs on two plates, she turns to full face Wonyoung, regaining a sliver of confidence she had earlier when she hears the hesitation in Wonyoung's question.
"Easy there, lady. I know you have a crush on me but chill. Eat breakfast first and we'll talk."
Wonyoung lobs a table napkin at her in retaliation.
--
"It's a yes, by the way." Yujin pipes up exactly seven minutes later, right in the middle of eating.
Wonyoung looks up from her plate, cheeks full of eggs and cut up sausages, lips curled on the corners, eyes alight with disbelief and expectation. "Really?"
"Yeah." Yujin smiles back. "We're a go, Wonnie."
--
On a painfully uneventful Tuesday evening, Eunchae's phone rings, breaking the silence her rather peaceful bedroom. Abandoning any notions of the sleep she was about to have just a few seconds earlier, she groans as she reaches over her bedside table to answer. She immediately sits up when she sees a name she didn't expect to ever appear on her phone screen for a long time.
She hits the answer button and presses the phone onto her ear.
"Chaewon...?" she forces out of her mouth.
There's a still silence on the other line but Eunchae waits in confusion, in worry. A part of her wants to run out of her room and gather her friends, but a part of her knows that Chaewon might not want that.
"Eunchae." Chaewon says, voice rough on the edges. Eunchae breathes out in relief, forgetting that she's supposed to be angry at Chaewon for almost jeopardizing their career, for leaving, for disappearing. All those things pale in comparison to the weight of missing her friend.
"Chaewon — holy fuck. Chaewon."
She hears a soft laugh. "Eunchae." Chaewon sounds tense. "Hi. How is everyone?"
Eunchae throws her covers off of her and moves closer to the window to get better reception. "Where are you? Are you okay? Why are you calling? Did something happen to you wherever you are?"
"I-uh, Eunchae. I can't tell you where I am right now but I'm safe, don't worry." Chaewon hesitates before clearing her throat and continuing "How is she —"
"Why'd you leave?" Eunchae cuts her off. Chaewon shakes her head, always so blunt that one.
"Honestly, I don't know." Chaewon replies with a sigh. "I thought putting as much distance as possible between us could help me gain some perspective, I guess."
Eunchae shuts her eyes. "And did it?"
"No. All it did was fill me with even more regret than I already have. Because all this time, this space and distance and I still don't understand what made it so easy for her to just want to end things."
"There's an easy solution to that, you know."
All Chaewon gives her is silence.
Eunchae exhales in defeat.
"She's a mess, you know? And you are too." Eunchae tells her, running her hands through her hair. "Come back home, Chaewon. Come home so you guys can talk. Christ, you don't even have to come home, honestly. You guys just need to talk. Please. Call her. Talk to her.
She hears a sniffle, a shuffle of a chair. "I-I can't."
"Why not?"
"I'm scared of what she's going to say, Eunchae." Chaewon replies, at this point Eunchae realizes that the former has given up all the effort of concealing the fact that she's been crying earlier, that she's crying now. "I'm scared of the truth."
"Chaewon — Unnie, I'm not gonna force you because you're already fucking heartbroken enough to flee to another country." Eunchae responds, tone bordering desperation because she has this sinking feeling in her stomach and a fear that Chaewon's going to end the call and disappear again. "I understand why you did what you did, I understand that you need time. Just please, please remember that we're here for you. You don't need to shut us out."
"I know, Eunchae. I just need time. Please don't tell anyone I called."
"Chaewon —"
"I'm sorry."
Chaewon ends the call, leaving Eunchae momentarily frozen in frustration.
"Fuck." she mutters, kicking the waste bin she has by her feet.
She hears a soft knock on the door and Yujin's voice come through the piece of wood.
"Hey, it sounded like you were arguing with someone? Did your father call you again? Are you okay?"
Eunchae only realizes she's shed a few tears when she puts her face in her hands to muffle her exasperated sigh.
"Y-Yeah. Wrong number."
Neither Eunchae nor the rest of the band hear from Chaewon again.
--
Now
"You're such a fucking sap, grandma." Yunjin says, the corners of her mouth curling upwards.
"Says the girl who's written hundreds of songs for Chaewon as an excuse to get all waxing poetic about her with even more style." Yujin fires back with a snort.
Somewhere in the living room they hear Kazuha's boisterous laughter and Garam's shrieking. Both she and Yunjin briefly turn to the direction of the sound but they both shake their heads and dive back in to the conversation.
"And I'd do that still even in my death bed."
"You are so gross." Yujin says, nudging Yunjin's shoulder with hers. "I'm really glad you're doing okay. What do you want to do now, though? Now that the band's on a proper break for a very long while."
Yunjin looks ahead wistfully, placing an arm on the surface of the counter, her chin nestled onto her open palm.
"What I want to do now is to finally use the time and the chance I have to focus on myself," Yunjin answers. "Now that there's no cloud of doom looming over me like it had been for the past couple of years anymore, I want to fall in love with performing again. I want to fall in love with music and playing the drums with the band. I want to work on getting back the exhilaration I used to get when I play in front of a really good crowd."
"We'll be with you if you need us." Yujin turns her whole body to face Yunjin as she raises her glass of wine. "And I've said this before but I'm really glad you're doing this. I'm happy and proud that you have given yourself another chance to get better, to be happy."
Yunjin grins, raising her own glass and clinks it against Yujin's.
"Me too."
--
Then
Yunjin goes through day after day, night after night like she's walking aimlessly, not really knowing where she's headed, almost like she keeps blacking out and not remembering anything, almost like she's drunk. She'd stopped going to therapy, thinking she's feeling a whole lot better after releasing every pain, every regret that's been flooding her for days on end and pouring it all into the song they'd just released.
Some days, she doesn't feel like she wants to disappear — on those days, she spends time with her friends, eats a lot, and even goes out. Most days, however, she's unaware, and unable to see the difference between the days before, the days during, and the days after. It's almost as if she's gotten accustomed to merely just existing and not really living.
In those days, she disappears and hides away in the apartment she and Chaewon used to share.
"I keep expecting her to call, or reach out, or just sending me a message," she tells Kazuha.
The two of them are seated on the floor of the bedroom; Yunjin's hunched over her knees as she stares at the black Fender abandoned on the space near the closet, and Kazuha's seated beside, back resting on the foot of the bed. Yunjin had been hiding from her bandmates for two, three days before she finally relented and told her friend where she was.
She hated how Kazuha's eyes looked at her pity and sadness when the latter had found her but her friend wasn't wrong for feeling those, Yunjin knows so damn well how pathetic she's being.
"I keep waiting for one fucking message I already know isn't going to come." Yunjin continues, exhaling in frustration. "I tell people I don't care if she comes back but I keep waiting for her anyway."
Kazuha sighs, staring at her with concern.
"Is that why you're still renting this place? Because you think she'll show up one day and come back to you?"
"Maybe."
Yunjin is aware of how pathetic this all is, after all she'd been the one who moved out, and she'd been the one who had asked for a divorce but some part of her, the love struck, melodramatic, hopeless romantic part of her, the stupidest part of her still wants to hold on to Chaewon and all the memories she has of her, all the memories she has of how happy they used to be.
She knows a lot of this is her fault and that there's a big possibility that Chaewon's not going to come back anymore, that she's lost her forever. She knows it's going to do her more harm than good in the long run and it's only going to hurt her and her friends if she keeps this up but she clings to it anyway, to the only remnant she has of the happiness she used to have.
There's just nothing else she can think of.
"You miss her." Kazuha tells her, it's not an accusation if both of them know it's the truth. Yunjin doesn't give her a response so Kazuha continues to be the voice of reason. "You miss her, so why don't you try and reach out to her?"
She wants to tell her that already has, she just couldn't find the courage to press send.
"Easier said than done, Zuha."
--
In the coming days, her messages to Chaewon, mostly filled with apologies, I-still-love-yous, and come-back-homes, remain unsent.
And Yunjin keeps it all in — it would have been pointless anyway, she tells herself, maybe this is better for both of them.
--
Now
actual gremlin (romantic)
[11:03 AM]
i want a dog
me
[11:20 AM]
What
actual gremlin (romantic)
[11:30 AM]
i got a dog.
me
[11:45 AM]
?!?!?!?!?!
- -
"I named him Boo." Yunjin murmurs against her phone's receiver.
It's almost midnight and her bandmates we're already done for the day, retreating to their rooms after they ate dinner. Yunjin had stayed behind in the living room, watching a drama in low volume with Boo sleeping comfortably on her lap as she waited for Chaewon to call.
"From Monsters Inc.?" Chaewon coos in reply.
"It's a secret. All you need to know is that I will love him forever."
"Awww, Yunjin, that's so cute! Send me pictures! I wanna see the cutie!"
"I'll send a bunch of them later." Yunjin replies. "I'm surprised Kazuha didn't already send you some. I swear, that tattletale already owes me a bunch of cakes for all the things she's exposed."
She hears Chaewon's laughter on the other line.
"Aw, Yunjin are you still sulky about her sending me a video of you destroying a Barbie doll's hair?"
"Shut up. I'm so not giving you pictures of Boo!" Yunjin whisper-shouts in indignation.
"I'll ask Zuha! Or Kkura! Or Eunchae!" Chaewon counters, Yunjin's sure there's a hit of smugness in her tone.
"Ugh."
Chaewon laughs again, the sound of it hits Yunjin like a metric ton of bricks. At the first second, it hurts but then it melts into something else, something warmer and softer.
Longing, she decides.
"I miss you," she breathes out, her voice cracks at the end and she feels a sting in the corners of her eyes.
She hears Chaewon let out a hum, letting her know she heard her.
Yunjin huffs, mouth forming a small pout. "No 'I miss you too'? My heart is breaking as we speak."
Chaewon laughs. It's soft, the fondness she's always reserved only for Yunjin spilling over the edges despite herself.
"You wound me, Yunjin, if you think I would ever stop missing you."
Yunjin's cheeks grow wet as the tears finally spill no matter how hard she had tried to control herself.
"You're such a sap." She exhales and lets out a shaky laugh, a feeble attempt at keeping things lighthearted. "All I wanted was an 'I miss you too'."
"And you're such a brat." Chaewon replies with a lilt to her voice and Yunjin swears she can hear her smile through the phone — something warm and light replaces the ache in her chest as a comfortable silence settles between them.
Yunjin stares at the ceiling, basking in the quiet, fingers lightly moving against the top of a sleeping Boo's head.
"I love you, Jen." Chaewon murmurs, voice scratchy and gentle the same way it sounds when she had just woken up, the way it sounds like when she had just finished crying. "You know that right?"
She stops petting Boo and breathes out. She buries her eyes in her free hand and feels the wetness of her cheeks dampen her palm.
"You wound me, Chaewon, if you think I don't know that. Even if you don't say it, I would still know." Yunjin replies, chuckling through the tears. "I think it's impossible not to."
720 kilometers away, sitting on the floor in her now dimly lit room, Chaewon bunches her knees closer to her chest and rests her chin on her kneecaps before she allows herself to cry. She tries to do it quietly, not wanting to make Yunjin worry.
She's been doing great, almost half a year after she left.
Each day she spends by herself, she gets closer to finding the Chaewon she had lost years ago. But sometimes she forgets she's been making progress, sometimes the loneliness hits and the floodgates open. And so the wanting inside her grows, creates an even bigger home inside her chest and it makes breathing harder, a million things along the lines of 'there are days where I want to go home and just be with you' flooding inside her head, threatening to spill out of her tongue.
"I'll see you soon, Yunjin," she says instead, reminding herself that she's doing this not just for their relationship, but also because she owes it to herself to heal. "Wait for me."
"I'll be right here, Chae." Yunjin says, echoing the promise she'd made at the crowded airport. "You don't need to hurry. I'm not going anywhere."
--
Then
Yujin comes back from the record company one evening looking like she just got shat out of a camel's ass. Her shoulders immediately slump in frustration and exhaustion when she shuts the door behind her even if the whole penthouse smelled like freshly cooked tonkatsu.
She spots Eunchae lying on Kazuha's lap, eyes glued to the TV in front of them, and Yunjin gazing out the window with an unfocused stare, not bothered by Yujin's arrival.
"You look like shit." Kazuha notes from the sofa, looking up from her phone and trailing her gaze on Yujin.
Yujin drops her bag on the space beside the bassist and huffs, "Thanks, Zuha." She takes a seat beside her and groans as she covers her eyes with the palms of her hand.
"What the hell happened?" Eunchae asks, rising up from Kazuha's lap and sitting up.
"The label threatened to fire me again." Yujin says with a heavy breath. "They want a comeback."
"We released Icarus." Sakura appears from the kitchen in a white apron printed with peaches all over, her arms crossed over her chest and replies in a deadpan voice — fed up with the label's constant demands and not actually letting the band take a break without them breathing down their necks every single day.
The "manager" girl drops her hands to her sides and stares at the ceiling. "Apparently, it wasn't enough. They want a full comeback with an album and a fucking tour."
"I thought they agreed we're gonna wait?" Eunchae question, brows furrowed and lips in a small pout.
"They've had enough of waiting." Yujin tells her, lifting her head up to look at them. Her usually driven and determined face looking tired, the blackness under her eyes becoming more evident, cheeks lacking their usual tint. "I'm sorry, guys. I couldn't convince them anymore."
A heavy kind of quiet falls momentarily between the five of them.
Eunchae gingerly looks around her friends and she sees Sakura's fingers twisting tightly around the sleeve of her sweater, Yujin staring at the plush, white carpet below her socked foot, and Kazuha unconsciously beginning to chip at her nails. Eunchae knows what they're all thinking — who they're thinking of and it's the person who's been silently staring out the window for the past half hour. They've seen her have both good days and bad days since the start of their hiatus but ever since Chaewon left the bad ones have always been more frequent than the good ones.
Today was one of them.
Yunjin had been silent and withdrawn, hadn't eaten breakfast and had barely touched her food during lunch. Eunchae swears she's heard sobbing from her room earlier, and she knows Sakura and Kazuha have heard it too. She's sure her friends were going to protest, more for Yunjin's sake than theirs but deep down she also knows that everyone is aware that they've used up their leverage against the label already, aware that the company can get back and is actually already back on its usual shitty deeds.
"Let's just do it then." Yunjin speaks up emotionlessly, voice hollow — her words just faint echoes from a cave that's been empty for so long, it's eerie and haunting. Four pairs of eyes with furrowed brows stare at her but Yunjin only raises her eyebrows in response, eyes not giving a single peek of what she's really feeling.
"What?" she asks.
"We can't possibly —" Kazuha starts to argue but Yunjin knows where this is headed so she cuts her off with a sigh.
"Look, I know you guys are worried about me," she says before shaking her head, "but you don't have to be. I'm fine."
"Yunjin, you cried while watching Sailor Moon SuperS yesterday." Kazuha tells her, always the fighter.
Eunchae doesn't know whether to laugh or cry at the ridiculous direction the conversation is going so she just stares at Yunjin and waits for her response, begging whatever gods that are in existence to not let an actual, big ass fight break out.
"And? Am I not allowed to be sad when Usagi's fighting the Dead Moon Circus?" Yunjin fires back, staring down at Kazuha.
Kazuha narrows her eyes at her best friend, "She had to fight them, Yunjin — they're the bad guys."
The rolls her eyes at the response. "Kazuha, she had to go to high school. That's pretty fucking sad."
"Jesus fuck," is all Kazuha says, throwing her hands up in exasperation as Yunjin shows a ghost of a smirk on her lips.
"Let's not pretend you've been crying while binge watching Sailor Moon because that's what you and she-who-must-not-be-named-for-now used to love watching." Sakura interjects. Yunjin doesn't look at her but Sakura's relentless and she knows Yunjin heard her loud and clear. "Stop deflecting. Are you sure you want to do this? The comeback?"
Yujin, who hasn't spoken since Yunjin broke the silence, just watches her intently as if she's waiting for Yunjin to fall apart, hoping to see lights flickering instead the walls the latter has built the past year, wishing to see some sort of sign that her friend wasn't beginning to completely shut them out again.
"Yeah." Yunjin finally chokes out, running a hand through her hair once. "I'm okay."
"I don't believe you, Jen." Sakura tells her, but the firmness in her tone has melted away. "You don't have to lie for us."
"I'll manage, Kkura." Yunjin says before meeting her eyes. "I don't want to screw things up for us even more than I already have, especially not when Yujin has already bargained her job for our sake, for my sake. I don't want you guys to lose your jobs all because I can't handle my shit right."
Her bandmates just push their eyebrows together at how Yunjin's disparaging her mental health as if it was nothing but a common cold, refusing to acknowledge the fact that Yunjin had a point when she brought up Yujin risking her employment already.
"You guys have done a lot for me so please just let me do this for you. I'm okay — I'll be okay."
They hear the desperation, the longing for mercy and release in Yunjin's voice.
It's a death sentence.
Caught in the middle of everything, Yujin has no choice but to give it to her.
"Okay."
--
Yunjin throws herself into the comeback preparations.
She works on lyrics with Sakura and Kazuha at the studio or stays up late at night to work alone, works on the instrumentals with Kazuha and Eunchae. She lets herself get busy with words and beats and the feel of her drumsticks in her hands as she hits the drums.
But it's in the quiet nights where she admits to herself that this wasn't because she's overtly interested in the comeback. It's when she's alone in her bed, brain too tired to think of anything productive, where she admits that the reason for all this was to distract herself. She welcomes the soreness and the redness of her palms when she goes home, the headaches, the soreness of her limbs — anything, anything to make her forget, anything to make her feel something else other than regret and loneliness.
She tells herself she needs some sort of distraction when she remembers Chaewon, when she sees something that reminds her of her wife so she lets herself fall, diving into the whirlpool and letting herself get carried away by the heavy current wrapped in drum beats and sentences that rhyme as she wishes to land somewhere down at the bottom and fucking stay there.
--
Eunchae is worried that Yunjin is spiraling further down.
She's witnessed a lot of signs for it already, be it Yunjin spacing out during conversations or brainstorming sessions, Yunjin throwing her sticks against a wall out of frustration and crying when she thinks no one else is around the band room, Yunjin staying up late for far too many nights and working herself to the bone, Yunjin vomiting after performing two songs.
She feels bad when she thinks of how Yunjin's been doing okay for a while and sees what's happening right in front of her now, but then again she has no idea if how many of the smiles she's seen from Yunjin the past months were real and how many were she faking.
One step forward, two steps backward.
Eunchae recognizes that this is Yunjin's own brand of punishment, some self-inflicted torture she's readily given herself. She also knows Yunjin doesn't want to admit it, knows she's pretending for the band's (and Yujin's) sake.
So she tries to subtly help her the way she can; giving her coffee or Gatorade when they need to get energized during early morning brainstorming sessions, staying up with her in the studio, tricking her into watching the dog videos she finds on the internet (her current favorite is the one featuring a pug named Loca and a hilarious song about how she doesn't know how to run).
Deep down, however, Eunchae knows it's not enough, because a person can only pretend that they're fine for so long until they finally reach a breaking point and fall off.
And Eunchae knows Yunjin's already dancing around the edges.
--
LE SSERAFIM @IM_LESSERAFIM· 1m
LE SSERAFIM
THE 3RD FULL ALBUM
AFTERMATH
TITLE TRACK "THE CITY CALLS"
07.19 0AM KST
07.18 11PM EST
#LESSERAFIM #Aftermath #THECITYCALLS
le ssera's number one fan @jennifersdrums · 1m
WHAT THE FUCK>???>?>?>?!!!!!??!
kelly @sakuratheprettiest · 1m
Replying to @IM_LESSERAFIM
I'M ALRDY FUCKING CRNYG COMEBACK YES COMEBACK
jen's drumsticks @jensdrumsticks · 1m
Replying to @IM_LESSERAFIM
LE SSERAFIM HAS ALREADY SINGLEHANDEDLY SAVED M LIFE
MISSING CHAEWON 24/7 @wonwon · 2m
Replying to @IM_LESSERAFIM
WE MISSED YOU GUYS!!!!!!!! AHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
lesserafim supremacist @lsontop · 2m
Replying to @IM_LESSERAFIM
is it just me or was the hiatus too short??? u bbs need to rest some more :(
LE SSERAFIM OT4 @JUSTICEforYUNJIN · 2m
Replying to @IM_LESSERAFIM
Yaaaayy! full album without the traitor nice!!! Cant wait guys!!!!
KAZUHA BEST GIRL @kazunaka69 · 2m
Replying to @JUSTICEforYUNJIN
what the fuck? get the fuck out of here.
--
Chaewon sees the tweet and feels her chest pound harshly — with excitement or dread, she doesn't really know.
The last song the band had released managed to tear her apart just by first listen and she wonders just how much she was going to get destroyed once she hears the whole album, already picturing herself listening to Sakura's voice sing Yunjin's words with a can of beer and a bag of chips.
It was going to hurt, it was just a question of how much.
Nevertheless, Chaewon finds herself marking the 19th of July on her calendar.
--
In an interview during the week leading up to their comeback, the band gets asked about the concept of the album, what inspired them to release such already promising songs.
"It's about the destruction of something you've put so much effort in and the aftermath that the tragedy left in its wake." Sakura says with a practiced smile which she thinks is ironic considering she just said it's a sad concept.
The host nods, brows furrowing together at the mention of ruin and wreckage before mirroring Sakura's pageant-winning smile before shooting them another question.
"Why 'destruction'?"
"People love breaking things they build." Yunjin answers for them, she has a small smile on her face but her eyes look dull and spacey. "We wanted to explore that facet of human nature and everything that comes along with it: regret, anger, and loneliness."
"What inspired you to take on this concept as a whole?"
Yunjin freezes, images of an empty apartment, a half empty bottle of wine, divorce papers, and Chaewon's tears flash through her mind like Polaroid shots. She feels something bubble up inside her stomach, she's struck by the urge to go home and hide but she's aware that she's not allowed to do that.
So she resorts to squeezing Kazuha's hand in panic and luckily, her best friend comes to her rescue.
"It's been a hard few months for all of us and we didn't know what else to do except write about it to feel a little better. And we've mostly written songs about the good side of love, and we realized that we haven't really tried to take on the bad things that come with it. So we decided to do this and draw inspiration from our own personal heartbreaks."
"Does Chaewon leaving count as one of the band's 'personal heartbreaks'?"
Eunchae tries to hide the irritation threatening to show itself on her face. Even after Yujin had told the writers not to include any questions about Chaewon's departure, these assholes just could not resist bringing it up.
Her eyes flicker to Yunjin and hope to god the girl manages to get through this whole interview.
"Well, um, of course." Eunchae answers, thinking back to the last conversation she and Chaewon had over the phone. "It always hurts when friends leave, right? But she's taking time off to take care of herself and I'm proud of her for doing so."
Yunjin just nods and smiles along with the rest of the band. But she wants to get up and run far away, away from all the flashing lights, all the press tours, all the crowd of people waiting to pick on her life like it's theirs to devour in the first place. She wants to get up and run and never fucking look back.
Chaewon.
Does Chaewon leaving count as one of the band's personal heartbreaks?
I don't know, when the mere mention of the person's name makes you feel like you got the wind knocked out of you, like you're being torn apart limb from limb, and your chest tightens at the thought of their absence — does that count as heartbreak?
Yunjin wants to run away.
She wants to cry.
But she does none of those, what she does instead is sits still and tries to look like a picture of absolute calmness and composure. The smile on her face is practiced but she manages to make it convincing even if her lungs feel like they're about to burst open.
What she does is hope that wherever she is, Chaewon is still listening.
--
July comes by fairly quickly; much quicker than Yunjin had anticipated.
On each day leading up to the 19th, the dread in her chest quickly grows and spirals inside, reaching across both of her lungs and wrapping its vines tightly around her ribcage.
When the 18th arrives, the band has an album launch party to attend that night but Yunjin opted to go home early, claiming to not be feeling well. Now she's spending the last few minutes before the album is dropped alone in her bedroom clutching her nth can of Cass, hair tied up messily, face bare and clean, chin tucked in between her knees.
Yunjin looks at the clock on her bedside table, the 11:55 PM gleaming in red on the screen, and takes a swig of her beer as she tries to drown out any memory of what she used to do with Chaewon every time the band drops an album or a single. It might be the alcohol but she swears she hears Chaewon's giggles echo and bounce off the walls of the empty room.
She lets out a laugh, thinking she might actually be starting to get crazy, that she misses Chaewon so much she hears her everywhere, sees her shadow, her ghost everywhere she looks. Some days she forgets, some days she wakes up and expects to see Chaewon sleeping beside her, looking peaceful and beautiful, but she's quickly reminded of the reality she's in and it tears her apart — the pain never loses its novelty.
Yunjin misses her terribly.
The clock reads 11:58 and she wonders if Chaewon misses her too.
Selfishly, she wishes Chaewon does.
--
LE SSERAFIM @IM_LESSERAFIM · 50s
BDZ "THE CITY CALLS" M/V
https://youtube.com/watch/fjokKhWogvs
#LESSERAFIM #Aftermath #THECITYCALLS
LE SSERAFIM @IM_LESSERAFIM · 1s
LE SSERAFIM
THE 3RD FULL ALBUM
Aftermath
Title 'THE CITY CALLS'
Released Online
MelOn kko.to/Qcle_qiDp
FLO flomuz.io/s/a.BABSP
Genie genie.co.kr/BBX2J9
Bugs m.bugs.co.kr/album/20356321
#LESSERAFIM #Aftermath #THECITYCALLS
kelly @sakuratheprettiest · 1s
Replying to @IM_LESSERAFIM
SOTY SOTY!!!!!! SOFUCKINGTY!!!!!!!!! AAHHHHH!!!!! AOTY!!!!!111!
zuha's biceps @buffzuha · 1s
Replying to @IM_LESSERAFIM
[passes away]
--
le ssera #1 fan @jennifersdrums · 1m
when i heard zuha's bassline start the song i knew the city calls already has me by the fucking balls
MISSING CHAEWON 24/7 | AFTERMATH OUT NOW @wonwon · 3s
Replying to @jennifersdrums
SO TRUE BESTIE SO TRUE
AFTERMATH AOTY @mygodkkura · 4s
Replying to @jennifersdrums
LITERALLY M E EARLIER. AND WHEN SAKURA STARTED SINGING THE FIRST LINE?!?!??!?!! HER USING HER LOWER REGISTERS????? A FUCKIING BANGER ALREADY
leah @leahson · 10s
Replying to @jennifersdrums
BYE EUNCHAE'S RIFFS!!!!! EUNCHAE'S FUCKING RIFFS!!!!!!
K @jenniferenthusiast · 11s
Replying to @jennifersdrums
THE SONG SOUNDS SO SEXY BUT THE LYRICS MAKE ME WANT TO CRY FOR TEN DAYS STRAIGHT
leah @leahson · 10s
Replying to @jenniferenthusiast @jennifersdrums
cue sad twerking
LE SSERAFIM OT4 @JUSTICEforYUNJIN · 2m
Replying to @leahson @jennifersdrums
SOUNDS BETTER WITHOUT C-WORD AHIHIHI
le ssera #1fan @jennifersdrums · 1s
Replying to @JUSTICEforYUNJIN
literally shut up
KAZUHA BEST GIRL @kazunaka69 · 3m
Replying to @jennifersdrums
SPEAKING OF ZUHA, CAN WE TALK ABOUT 'SPACES'????!!!!! WHO THE FUCK HURT U NAKAMURA KAZUHA!
AFTERMATH AOTY @mygodkkura · 4s
Replying to @kazunaka69 @jennifersdrums
IS IT JUST ME OR DOES SAKURA'S ORBIT ANSWER TO KAZUHA'S SPACES?!?!?!?!?!? HOLY FUC K WHEN THEY SAID THEY WERE GOING FOR DESTRUCTIO AND TRAGEDY I DIDN'T THINK THEY'D GO THIS HARD
le ssera #1 fan @jennifersdrums · 1s
Replying to @kazunaka69
F UCK!!!! IKR?!?!?! PLS IDK WHICH ONE BROKE MY HEART, ORBIT, SPACES, OR THE CITY CALLS JDSAKLDKFLKSDFKSL RN I'M GONNA SAY TCC BECAUSE MAN THAT SHIT HU R T
jen's drumsticks @jensdrumsticks · 10s
Replying to @jennifersdrums
THE LYRICS FUCKING KILLED ME
THE CITY CALLS SOTY @sachaeyunzu · 11s
Replying to @jennifersdrums @jensdrumsticks
lyricist yunjin really out there ripping our hearts out
--
The title track starts with low opening bass notes along with the thump of the bass drum — the beat worms its way into Chaewon's ears effortlessly. Then Sakura's voice enters with the strums of the guitar and sings the first few lines.
Chaewon realizes she'd been holding her breath.
Sakura sounds so good, so heartbroken — so raw with emotion, doused with so much honesty that she just has to let out before it eats her alive and Chaewon can't help but hug her knees closer to her chest at the sound.
"There's too much of you in me, cut me open and you'd find nothing else. I wish you let me say my farewells, I wish you didn't have to at all."
"Oh," Chaewon whispers to herself, tightening her grip around herself like a lifeline as she braces for the rest of the song.
Darling, come home, the city's been calling your name.
The words rip her to shreds and flood her with a terrible ache because it may be Sakura's voice but all of the words were Yunjin — everything was written by the woman she left, by the woman who broke her heart. The running joke between them and their fans comes to mind — Sakura sings what Jen feels — and Sakura's done such a good job capturing the story, the raw feelings that Chaewon knows Yunjin poured into the words.
Chaewon's never known pain like this, a certain type of pain that made her feel like she'd been set on fire and brought back to life just to get burned over and over again.
Years ago, Chaewon would have never imagined herself alone, miles away from the only person she's loved so much. She would have laughed at the thought, Chaewon's sure of it. Maybe she'd jinxed it somewhere along the way, sometime in the past five — six now, years because here she was: alone and miles away from Yunjin, all because she was a coward.
Darling, come home to me, it hasn't been the same.
She lets a sob rip through her throat, covering her eyes with her palms as she lets herself break and bend and crumble.
She asks herself why.
If Yunjin wanted nothing to do with her anymore, why was she still writing songs about her? Why was she writing lyrics telling her to come home like she wasn't the one who wanted her to leave? Like she wasn't the one who wanted to end things.
Chaewon wants to feel angry, but when her heart is crumpling at the face of the sheer sadness and confusion about the whole thing, she couldn't find it in herself to do anything but cry.
Darling, come home to me, it's a terrifying thing to miss you terribly.
For the first time in two years, in the dim light of her bedside lamp, Chaewon actually considers booking a ticket to Seoul.
--
Yunjin realizes heartbreak is a lot like getting your head dunked repeatedly in a barrel full of water, that it's a lot like sinking and drowning and not being able to do anything while the waters rush inside your lungs and cut off any chance of breathing.
She realizes that it's finding yourself celebrating a successful release alone when you used to do it with the one you loved over a slice of cake in a quaint little pastry shop. It's wanting to tell her about something dumb that happened to you that day, it's expecting to see her beside you when you wake up and realizing that she isn't with you. She realizes that heartbreak is watching herself get wet from the rain because you keep forgetting that no one brings an umbrella for you anymore, it's pushing the vegetables you don't like to the side of your plate half-expecting her to take them and eat it for you before realizing you're eating alone.
Heartbreak is cooking too much porridge even though you're cooking for one.
Yunjin realizes heartbreak is missing someone so much that the mere mention of them makes you feel like you've been dipped in salt after getting punctured all over. It's missing someone so much but not being able to do anything about it except write songs and lyrics about how she looks hunched over a book about knitting, light brown hair glittering against the sunlight, the corners of her lips curled up in a small smile, about the sound of her laughter, about the feel of her touch.
Yunjin realizes heartbreak is writing songs when there's just too many things to say but too little courage to go by.
Heartbreak is wanting to call Chaewon up and tell her she missed her, tell her it wasn't her fault, tell her to come home.
Heartbreak is being alone in bed, with nothing but cans of beer keeping you company as you type up several messages —
Did you listen?
All my songs are for you.
They're all for you.
I wrote them all for you.
I miss you.
Please come home.
— and never pressing send.
--
Now
Over the course of a little over two years, the fans only got snippets of what the band members were up to during their hiatus through their Instagram posts, and the few occasional tweets: Yunjin's been spending most of her time going to concerts and music festivals with Kazuha and Sakura, Eunchae's spending hers helping out in a dog café and sometimes goes out with her bandmates. They sometimes post random song covers as well but nothing that would hint about a new release coming.
One night, however, Le Sserafim's official twitter account tweets something that awakens their dormant fandom, who from the entirety of those two years patiently waited for their favorite band to recuperate properly and enjoy their lives out of the spotlight.
LE SSERAFIM @IM_LESSERAFIM · 1m
LE SSERAFIM
THE 5TH EP
THE NEXT STEP
TITLE TRACK "HOMECOMING"
AVAILABLE NOW
#LE SSERAFIM #TheNextStep #HOMECOMING
le ssera's number one fan is patiently waiting @jennifersdrums · 1m
Replying to @IM_LESSERAFIM
I AM G ON E I AM ABSOLUTELY GONE !!! FUCFJFKCDKLCSJ
kelly needs a gf @sakuratheprettiest · 1m
Replying to @IM_LESSERAFIM
NO U DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW MUCH THIS MAKES ME HAPPY I MISSED U SO MCH I MISSED U GUYS
I'M LITERALLY RIGHT HERE KELLY @zuhaonthebASS · 1m
Replying to @IM_LESSERAFIM
THE RE A RE TEARS NOOOOO OHMG OD HUHUHUS FUCKDLJLSJ I LOVE U
MISSING CHAEWON 24/7 @wonwon · 2m
Replying to @IM_LESSERAFIM
currently dead
lessera supremacist @stillontop · 2m
Replying to @IM_LESSERAFIM
FINALLY!!!!
ZUHA BEST GIRL @kazunaka69 · 2m
Replying to @IM_LESSERAFIM
I'M SO HAPPY I CANT DO THIS I FUCKING CANT
--
Unlike the last time, Yunjin doesn't spend the night of the launch alone.
This time, she's surrounded by her friends in their living room, a movie paused on the television just ten seconds before the release of their EP. Yujin had come over to spend the night with them, whining every chance she got about how she missed Wonyoung, who had to work in a production of The Nutcracker the whole week. Kazuha hits her on the forehead with the popcorn they had for snacks every time she does.
Yunjin glances at the clock, ready to fling herself against the wall any second. Her chest throbs like a gong, its echoes bouncing off everywhere inside her, with the surprise release and the almost three year long wait for it, Yunjin's got every right to feel jittery.
Besides the nerves, Yunjin's also excited — she's written a shit ton of songs before but the songs she's written for this album were different; they're a new kind of poetry, more vulnerable, a better reflection of the Yunjin she is and the life she has now. She can barely sit still at the thought of letting the world know that she's in love, not just with Chaewon, no — she's also in love with who she is right now, she's in love with music, she's in love with performing.
Yunjin fights a smile, she's ready for the world to hear their music again. The clock strikes twelve and the surprise album finally drops. She ends up having to smile through the tears when she sees their song on the number one spot of all the major music charts.
--
A few minutes after the album's release, Chaewon posts a picture on her Instagram stories; it's a screenshot of the song she's currently listening to on Spotify — Homecoming by Le Sserafim, with the text at the bottom right that says, "as expected from my favorite band <3"
The fans go rabid over that too.
--
After several years of avoiding doing press publicity alone, Yunjin finally agrees to do one solo interview before the set out for their world tour while the other members did their own TV guestings. She's dressed in a blue, oversized denim jacket, a white crop top, denim shorts and black combat boots, and there's an expression of ease and comfort on her face.
"So the song Homecoming has been dominating the charts for almost a month now, as well as the other songs on your EP. What does it feel like to still be at the top of the game even after a very long hiatus?"
Yunjin grins.
"I feel really, really great about it. And not just me, of course. My bandmates were just gushing about it this morning. We feel really grateful to the fans and for the people who love and care for us for always supporting us and not getting tired of waiting for us no matter how long we were gone."
The host gives her an amicable smile as well before proceeding to the next question.
"You wrote the lyrics for this as well, am I correct?"
Yunjin nods.
"Compared to your last release, this song is more hopeful and much lighter. Tell me more about the inspiration behind the song."
The only place I want to be is wherever you are because the only place broken hearts go to is home.
Yunjin breaks into a different type of smile, it's soft — almost shy.
"Ah, everyone knows who my muse is." Yunjin chuckles softly, turning to the audience knowingly. "Everyone knows who my songs are for."
Chaewon, I know you're listening.
They're all for you.
Always for you.
"Anything you'd like to say to your muse?"
Yunjin nods, her smile grows wider, reaching Yunjin's eyes as she looks straight into the camera.
"I love you. I miss you and I hope you're doing well."
--
a menace <3
[11:30 PM]
I love you too.
--
Then
It's a random Thursday night, a random Thursday night just a few months after getting back together.
Desperate for some peace and some time away from the ruckus that was her career in managing a very famous band and away from all the planning and organizing the concert tour, Yujin had sought refuge in her girlfriend's apartment. Wonyoung is on the last day of her week long break before starting rehearsals for another production she was set to star in, and both of them thought a night in with just the two of them would be the best way to spend it.
They're sitting on Wonyoung's light blue couch, Yujin has a guitar (it's the one she's had since high school) on her lap and her legs are thrown over Wonyoung's while the latter reads a book Sakura had recommended, like it's a pretty standard thing to do.
Wonyoung's fingers on her free hand finds Yujin's knees on instinct and begins absentmindedly drawing random patterns on her skin. Yujin doesn't flinch — Wonyoung's hands are always warm and gentle, it calms her down.
Yujin had been playing a bunch of songs on her guitar but she hasn't sung along, only humming softly to the melody of what she's playing. Wonyoung stops drawing patterns when she notices Yujin looking wistful — almost sad. She's seen this look far too many times to not know what the reason behind it was.
She thinks of dreams abandoned for practicality, dreams that had been let go. Wonyoung squeezes her girlfriend's knee softly.
"Hey, can I tell you something?" she murmurs. Yujin stops strumming and her gaze lands on her, eyebrows raised in question as she waits for Wonyoung to continue. "Back when I was in Paris, I sort of listened to a bunch of songs and hoped you'd see what I was listening to. I missed you so much but I was too scared to do anything about it so I stuck to trying to send you secret messages through songs on Spotify."
Wonyoung laughs softly at the memory.
Yujin shakes her head and breaks into a grin.
"I saw those. And honestly, I kinda did the same thing. Music has always been a great companion, and it felt comforting, like I was talking to you in some way."
"Mm. Remember when you used to sing to me?"
"I do." The older girl looks at her, her expression melting into something more thoughtful and less sad. "Want me to sing for you now?"
"I want you to sing for you." Wonyoung replies, her hands settling back onto Yujin's knees. Yujin begins to feel warm again. Wonyoung leans closer, resting her chin on her knees before reaching over to play with Yujin's hair. "I know you miss it, baby."
"You're so good to me." The latter kisses her forehead and beams at her, Wonyoung swears she's the most adorable thing to walk on the planet.
Yujin shifts backward, to position herself properly before she starts strumming her guitar and singing.
There are days
I wake up and I pinch myself
You're with me, not someone else
And I'm scared, yeah, I'm still scared
That it's all a dream
Wonyoung feels like crying, it's been so long since she's heard Yujin sing. Her voice comes out soft, and husky in just the right places, the sound of it makes Wonyoung's heart twist inside her and a slew of emotions flood her entire being: sadness, anger at the universe and its cruelty to the kindest people, awe, and most of all — pride, pride in Yujin's strength and will to move forward, pride in Yujin's ability to let go even when it hurts.
'Cause you still look perfect as days go by
Even the worst ones, you make me smile
I'd stop the world if it gave us time
Yujin looks relaxed and at peace, and Wonyoung doesn't have to wonder why — Yujin only has that look on her when she's doing the thing she loves to do the most. She's overcome by the love she has for the girl in a huge baggy shirt, singing in front of her like she's perfectly content, like there's nothing else she'd rather do for the rest of her life.
'Cause when you love someone
You open up your heart
When you love someone
You make room
If you love someone
And you're not afraid to lose 'em
You probably never loved someone like I do
She's taken back to a Friday night once upon a time, they're young twenty-somethings going through life's motions with each other, the future still so bright and untainted. She remembers looking at Yujin that night and feeling like she's watching the star shine its brightest, feeling so awestruck at how Yujin looked like she was born for it and how it filled her with a rush of affection. She remembers the small smile on Yujin's lips and she can't believe she's seeing it right now too.
Before she knows it, drops of tears spill out of her eyes.
"Yujin, marry me." Wonyoung says, looking at the woman she loves with her entire being.
Yujin immediately stops singing.
"What?"
"I love you." Wonyoung continues, tears flowing steadily down her cheeks and she tries her hardest not to break into sobs before she finishes saying what she wants to say. "I love you so much. I'm sorry the world hasn't been kind to you and the dream you've held on to ever since you were a child. You're amazing, and if you aren't able to play and perform at huge arenas flooded with a billion people, I'd be here, I'd be the fan cheering you on and listening to you sing in our bedroom. I'm going to do that for the rest of my life, if you'll have me."
"Wonyoung..."
"Marry me." Wonyoung repeats, much softer and gentler like it's a plea.
Yujin stares at her for a solid minute and Wonyoung begins to think she's done fucked up but Yujin proves her wrong when she breaks into a soft smile.
"You know, you always making the first move is hurting my ego." Yujin tells her with a teasing laugh.
Wonyoung breathes a sigh of relief.
"You're such a jerk."
"Didn't you just ask me to marry you?"
"I did. I want to take it back."
"Fuck you, you can't do that!" Yujin argues. "I'm gonna marry you!"
Wonyoung raises an eyebrow at her. "You don't have to."
"Oh, I'm gonna."
Wonyoung extends her hand out to Yujin and smiles, "Deal?"
"You're on, Jang."
And just like that, with no big bang, no trumpets and bass drums and horns, no fanfare — Wonyoung's tired of theatrics anyways — everything falls into place.
--
Yujin drops the bomb over dinner and a B-list horror movie Kazuha had dug up online. It's the night before they leave for Japan for the tour. Her friends were busy exchanging comments about the film while she's trying to pay attention to the scenes playing out on the television.
"I don't get why people dive headfirst into clear and imminent danger." Eunchae mumbles, reaching over to grab a drumstick on the plate at the center and dipping it in cheese sauce.
Kazuha takes a swig of her soda and her face twists in discontent. "I honestly cannot take this seriously. They're just running around like lost chickens."
"Look, those bloodstains look like ketchup." Yunjin complains, watching a character running and screaming on the screen in front of them.
"Yunjin, it's a low budget movie. They probably couldn't afford real looking blood." Sakura replies, eating her chicken leg while half-heartedly paying attention to the movie.
"Well, it's making me want to eat fries, Sakura." Yunjin whines.
"I'm getting married," she says casually like she's stating the weather. A silence falls between the five of them and the character of the film screams loudly.
Needless to say, the Le Sserafim movie night ends with a series of congratulations, what-the-fucks, and a whole lot of love.
--
Yunjin's happy for Yujin. She knows deep in her heart how much her friend deserves the kind of happiness she's getting and soon to be getting.
But a very small part of her feels irrationally sad and jealous. If she was being really honest, however, she knows that that part of her is mostly just regretful.
She hears Yujin talking to Wonyoung via video call once they landed in Japan, she hears them laughing, conversations filled with excitement over their wedding, and it makes her wish she was sent back to years ago, back when she and Chaewon stayed up at night talking and playing dumb games they used to play during their childhood, ordering jajangmyeon and dumplings when they get hungry at the midst of their shenanigans.
She realizes that there is no escaping Chaewon, because even in another country, Yunjin still finds places littered with memories she had of her, of them together. She tries not to conjure up images of them frolicking at Disneyland, of them goofing around looking for food after a concert.
Every single one still manages to haunt her despite her great effort.
Things were great once, she thinks to herself, tears staining the fabric when she keeps her cheek pressed on to the hotel-provided pillow.
Yunjin can't help but wonder if she and Chaewon did not choose to join the band to stardom, would they still have been happily married? She wonders if she had run faster the day Chaewon had left, would she have been able to make her stay? If she had managed to catch up with her and beg for forgiveness that time, would they have been able to fix things?
And as she sobs into the pillow, Yunjin wonders that for a love that seemed to be written in the heavens even before they were born, for a love that seemed to be so true, for a love that used to be so unyielding, why did it immediately begin to chip away when the first sign of trouble began rearing its head?
How could she just let it?
--
Chaewon doesn't know what kind of spirit possessed her or what kind of demon had taken over her when she had stupidly rushed to buy a ticket online for Le Sserafim's concert in Japan.
She doesn't even know if she's ready to see them, to see her again. Hell, she doesn't even know if they would want to see her. What she does know is that going to the show will risk blowing her cover, it'll risk getting found but there she was anyway, on a train to Osaka, with nothing but a big puff coat, a cap, oval shaped specs, and a black face mask to help her maintain her anonymity.
Her knees begin to feel like jelly when she gets off the train and she feels like there's a big cloud of doom following her around when she finally arrives at the Kyocera. There's already a huge line and her anxiety is filling her to the brim. Her breathing becomes ragged as she forces herself to move forward and line up.
The last straw, however, is when she sees the giant poster of the band, when she sees the image of the drummer — hair darker than Chaewon had last seen her, lids looking smokey and eyes lined dark, lips red, gaze looking like it's peering into Chaewon's soul.
She feels her resolve wane even further into nothing.
And that day, Chaewon discovers that it only takes one look at Yunjin's giant picture to send her running back to her tiny apartment in Kurashiki.
--
It's been one of the worst days she's had since Chaewon had left — playing for a huge ass crowd in Osaka had been terribly overwhelming and so Yunjin ends up at a bar she's never been to before, the fake brown bob she uses for her disguises safely donned over her own hair. And there she orders drink after drink, not caring if someone recognizes who she is, she drinks until she begins to lose track of how many she's consumed and how fast she's going through each glass. She drinks until her vision becomes slightly blurry and she's beginning to sway in her seat, until she starts giggling at every single thing she finds even remotely funny.
She's not too drunk to know she can't go back to the hotel alone in her current state though, so she dials Kazuha's number and drunkenly hopes her friend is still up.
"Zuzu come pick me up," she slurs, giggling when Kazuha picks up the call.
"Yunjin, where the hell are you?" Kazuha replies, the frustration and worry evident in her voice.
"Elix... elixu..." Giggle. "Elixir."
"What? Where is that?"
"Hehe I dunno, Zuzu." Yunjin mumbles hazily.
Another giggle.
Yunjin hears a sigh.
"You're drunk again. And whatever, thank god for Google Maps. Stay there. I'm on my way."
--
Kazuha sees her nursing a glass of whiskey and giggling to herself at the bar. She tries not to let the disdain she feels when she sees several empty glasses in front of her.
"Yunjin."
The person in question turns around, her face lights up when she sees her friend.
"Zuzu!" Yunjin shouts with the glee of a five year old child opening presents on Christmas.
"Please don't call me Zuzu, it's embarrassing." Kazuha replies, ruffling Yunjin's wig and fixing the round-framed glasses she's wearing before heaving out another sigh. "You're a mess. Let's get you back to the hotel, okay?"
"No!" Yunjin whines. "I called you here so you can drink with me."
"What? No." Kazuha argues. "We're leaving for Thailand tomorrow, Yunjin."
"Are you going on a vacation?"
"No, dumbass, we're going there for a concert."
"Really? Whose concert?"
"Ours, Yunjin."
"Oh, right! That calls for a celebration!" Yunjin laughs loudly, she raises her glass and half-shouts in almost incoherent Japanese, "Refill! I need a refill!"
"That's going to be your last one, you little shit." Kazuha tells her as she looks on, horror evident on her face, as the bartender slides her another glass.
Yunjin laughs before downing the entire liquid contents of the glass. "What? What do you mean last? I'm just getting started!"
Kazuha takes the seat beside her. "Yunjin, let's go home. You need to get some sleep, we need to wake up early in the morning."
"Hey, Zuha, did you know," Yunjin replies, ignoring her friend's statement and smiling to herself, "that Chaewon looks really pretty in the morning? She's always so fucking pretty but holy shit it's just a thousand times better during the morning, when she's just woken up and her hair's all splayed over the pillows and her stupid mouth is still slightly open. And the morning light from the window makes her look like she's glowing, like she's made entirely from sunshine and whatever shit that's so bright and beautiful."
Kazuha throws her a look, Yunjin doesn't know if it's out of exasperation or pity.
But she's drunk off her ass and she's lost track of what she's saying so she dabbles on like she's giving a lecture about the basics of perfection: Kim Chaewon edition.
"She looks her best when she's playing the guitar and singing along to Sakura. She looks her best when she's in the zone, when her fingers move expertly on the strings and she just performs. She looks her best when she's doing what she loves."
Yunjin chuckles, her drunken smile melts into something softer, something more wistful as she puts down the empty glass and cradles her chin in her palm.
"And she cries when animals die in a movie. She doesn't even bother to hide her tears even if I make fun of her and tease her about it. She just hits me on the arm and tries to glare at me even though I can't take her seriously when her face is all red and there's snot dripping down her nose."
The smile vanishes from her face when her mind finally catches up with her mouth, and she has to bite her lip to keep herself from crying.
"I'm so tired of crying about her, Zuha," she murmurs. "I wish I could stop being so sad and remorseful about everything that happened because my heart feels so exhausted, I feel so exhausted."
Kazuha realizes she's been fighting tears of her own, she knows she can't do much so she pulls Yunjin in for a hug and lets her tears soak her shirt.
"It's been over a year and yet everything still hurts like she just left yesterday." Yunjin whispers against the fabric. "It still hurts. I don't know how to make it stop."
"You guys need to talk things through, Jen."
Yunjin laughs, it's bitter and empty.
"Easier said than done," she replies, echoing a statement from herself some time someplace else. "I hurt her, I made her sad and she's probably still sad right now. She's alone and sad and hurting and I know I'm the reason why. I want to reach out to her but I just can't bring myself to do so."
She's sobbing harder now, the frustration and the hurt comes rushing out like floodwater during a terrible storm. The urge to reach out to Chaewon has grown much bigger in each passing day but Yunjin knows she's been holding herself back because she's scared of putting Chaewon through even more pain, of putting herself into more pain. She doesn't tell Kazuha all of that, instead, she lets herself weep and weep despite her drunken stupor, the teardrops from her eyes rain and fall on Kazuha's shirt in an irrepressible deluge.
Yunjin's aware of how stupid she looks.
Right there, she's not Huh Yunjin, the very famous drummer of a very accomplished band. She's just a girl with a badly placed wig and crooked glasses that makes the mess she's made of herself more pronounced, with crumpled clothes that reek of alcohol, and snot and tears dripping onto her best friend's clothes as she cries over a relationship — no, a marriage, that she's responsible for fucking over.
A terrible combination between a sob and wail escapes the back of her throat and Yunjin knows it sounds so fucking pathetic and pitiful but she just can't bring herself to stop. She heaves out breaths like she's struggling to breathe, like she's drowning, like she's being choked. Yunjin's entire body is shaking, her hands feel cold and she holds onto Kazuha tighter, like she's her last lifeline because it hurts, it hurts more than it ever did before.
It feels like she's fallen into the void, and she doesn't even hear Kazuha tell her she's taking her back to the hotel.
--
"I'm sorry I'm such a mess of a best friend, Zuha." Yunjin tells her when they're finally at their shared hotel room.
"You're doing your best, Jen." Kazuha says, giving her a gentle smile before kissing the top of her head, "Get some rest."
So Yunjin does.
Completely unaware that she'd sent Chaewon a voicemail hours ago, at the bar before Kazuha had arrived.
--
Please come home, is what Chaewon hears when she dares herself to listen to the voicemail Yunjin had sent to her old number.
Chaewon takes this as a sign.
--
Still, it takes a few more months for Yunjin to decide that she's done crying about Chaewon and actually do something about it.
It takes a few more months to start telling herself (and anyone who asked her) that she didn't love Chaewon anymore, that she's doing fine, and that she's over her and actually sticks to the lie.
It takes Chaewon the same amount of time to decide that she's done hiding from Yunjin.
It takes her the same amount of time to gather up all the courage she's been trying to build up since the day of the concert to board a plane back to Seoul and finally face everything and everyone she's left.
It takes them a few more months but they find their way back to each other eventually.
--
Now
"I think our friends are going to kill me one of these days," Yunjin tells Chaewon over the phone, a loud and wistful sigh follows her casual statement.
Chaewon laughs into the receiver, fingers picking on the sheets of her bed. "Pray tell why?"
"I honestly don't know, I literally just did the things I normally do: woke up, ate breakfast, helped Kazuha clean, then watched a b-list drama on TV, almost set the kitchen and the whole penthouse on fire, you know, just casual, normal day-to-day stuff."
"Wait," Chaewon replies in mock disbelief, "let me repeat that. You helped Kazuha clean? I agree they should totally end you for doing such an unusual thing."
"Okay, rude. I didn't think you'd want to be a widow already but you're just full of surprises, aren't you?" Yunjin says and Chaewon only grins, swearing she can hear the mischievous smile in her wife's voice.
"I always aim to surprise you, baby." Chaewon teases.
"Stop flirting with me, lady. I'll have you know I'm married."
Chaewon, feeling warm and happy at the reality of them still being married, lets out a laugh. It's carefree and a little too loud for Yunjin's ears but the latter doesn't mind.
She's spent such a long time not hearing Chaewon laughing genuinely and hearing it now makes her want to hear it forever, makes her want to be the one responsible for most of her laughter, her poor eardrums be damned.
"I'll stop if you tell me why you almost burned down the penthouse." Chaewon singsongs.
"You're gonna stop flirting with me if I tell you?" Yunjin asks, tone indignant. "Well now I don't wanna tell you."
"Jen, that's so... gay."
"Maybe so."
Chaewon giggles in response.
"I was trying to bake the perfect cheesecake, by the way." Yunjin adds. "So I can make one for you in the future."
Chaewon rolls over and hugs the giant pillow, which she may or may not have nicknamed 'jenjen', close to her chest. She's unable to stop the smile stretching on her lips.
"I can't wait. I already love my non-existent, hypothetical cake."
"Fuck you."
"Try not to burn the penthouse down, alright? If you do, where the hell are you gonna go, huh?"
There's a short pause before Yunjin's response.
"Our apartment of course."
Chaewon chuckles.
"Of course."
--
Then
Yunjin takes Chaewon back to their old apartment the day before the latter is set to leave for Japan.
"I moved out but I wasn't able to take our names off the lease." Yunjin tells her, taking a seat on the couch as Chaewon looks around the expanse. She decides to look around as well — the ghosts of their mistakes, their fights, all the tears they'd shed still haunt the walls but all of those don't scare her at that moment.
Having Chaewon face the remnants of what broke them in the first place with her made her feel safe.
She's okay.
They're okay.
"I didn't want to," she continues, "because a small part of me, although angry that you left, still waited and wanted you to come back so I kept renting this place. I kept coming back here secretly wishing that one day, I'd open the door and find you sitting on the couch again, watching TV or playing a song on your guitar, or basically just standing here."
She laughs softly before turning her gaze back to Chaewon, who had stopped looking around and has settled on staring at her, eyes glassy and lips forming a gentle smile.
"Go out for me would you?" Chaewon tells her. "Then come back in after, I don't know, ten seconds?'
Yunjin knits her brows together. "What? I was having a moment."
Her wife rolls her eyes. "Yunjin, stop being stubborn."
"You are so weird." Yunjin huffs but she obliges anyway, stepping out into the hallway of the apartment complex. She counts up to ten before she opens the door to enter again.
She sees Chaewon in the middle of the entryway, smiling brightly at her — the opposite of the sight she's been greeted by for years after she first came through the door and found an empty apartment.
"Welcome home, Yunjin."
Yunjin feels tears prickle in her eyes.
Kim fucking Chaewon.
And then she runs to her when the tears finally spill, throwing herself at Chaewon and wrapping her arms around her in a tight embrace.
"You're such a fucking sap," she mumbles, burying her tear-soaked face into the crook of Chaewon's neck. "I love you so much, Chaewon. I really do."
I love you so much.
I love you.
She repeats until it's all that echoes inside the room, until it erases the heartbreak she's feeling, until she can't say them anymore because the tears are rushing down too much to be controllable.
Chaewon chokes back sobs of her own and hugs her back.
They're okay now.
They'll be better soon.
"I love you too, Yunjin."
--
They take their bikes to the riverside at almost nine in the evening and somehow it takes Chaewon back to all the times they rode their bikes when they were still broke college students who keep getting demolished by the amount of work they have to do for school and treated the river as a place of reprieve and relief.
She finds herself grinning when she thinks of how years later it's still Yunjin who's with her.
She thinks of how it's always going to be with Yunjin and not without her. Not anymore, not ever.
The two of them stop at their spot and again Chaewon gets hit by a wave of nostalgia, seeing Yunjin pull out a picnic blanket from the basket in front of her bike reminds her of one particular lazy Sunday afternoon filled with flower rings, soft touches, and promises of forever.
Her heart swells with joy now that she and Yunjin have all the time in the world to have that again, and so the smile does not leave her face even as she takes a seat beside her wife — the word went from making her heart burst with pride to tearing it all up and destroying her and finally to making her feel comforted, secure, and relieved.
Wife.
Yunjin's still her wife.
Yunjin's still hers and she was still Yunjin's.
And it's always going to be Chaewon and Yunjin because they belong together, because that's how the universe intended it to be.
--
They munch on their sandwiches and finish the rest of what's inside their picnic basket as they spend hours talking each other's ears off.
Chaewon tells Yunjin about Hanako and her grandmother, tells her about the bakery she used to work at and promises Yunjin she'd take her there someday.
Yunjin tells Chaewon about the time she caught Kazuha and Eunchae sneaking macarons inside their pockets during an afterparty of an award show, tells her about how she's begun naming the dogs and cats she saw every time she chose to walk to the studio.
And the night grows deeper with the two of them sitting in silence as the conversation and their soft laughter fade slowly, admiring the calm of the river in front of them.
Yunjin doesn't take long before she trails her gaze onto Chaewon's wistful face. She looks at her and sees the dream look in Chaewon's eyes, the same look she had back when they were still young. It brings Yunjin joy to see it again, after so long, after thinking she's doused the light in Chaewon's eyes.
Chaewon feels her staring so she turns to her, lopsided grin on her mouth.
"Like what you see?"
Yunjin shrugs. "You're okay, I guess."
Her wife throws a corn chip at her.
"Little shit." Chaewon says, sticking her tongue out like a kid.
"I'm sorry." Yunjin breathes out. "I don't think I can say it enough to make it up to you."
Chaewon's teasing dies down as she nudges Yunjin's arm with hers.
"Yunjin, we talked about this already."
Yunjin beams at her gently.
"I know. But I want to tell you all the things I've always wanted to tell you even before you left and the things after you did, all the things I should have — without hiding behind the songs I wrote instead of just talking. Okay?" she tells her, looking at Chaewon with her eyes soft and watery.
Chaewon could tell that she was terrified, and she gets it. Finally opening up to someone about all the things you've held in for so long feels like free-falling into the void, god knows Chaewon's stared into the barrel of that gun for years.
She reaches for Yunjin's hands, giving them a gentle squeeze before nodding. "Okay."
Yunjin gives her a grateful smile.
"I'm sorry," she repeats. "I should have tried harder, I should have talked to you — it was just too much, you know? One minute we were just young people singing at a bistro on the sidelines, trying to graduate and the next thing I knew we were in the limelight. All of a sudden it wasn't just you and me and our friends on a makeshift stage, it was us in a concert arena and the eyes that watched us grew in numbers. All of a sudden there were interviews, and rumors, and gossip, and pressure. There was too much change, Chaewon, too much of it for me to handle. I got so used to what we were, to being who we were that I forgot the fact that we had to grow up at some point. I forgot that it wasn't going to be just us playing for the hell of it forever. It was too much but I kept it all in because you guys were going through it too."
Yunjin looks down at their intertwined hands and forces back a sob down her throat, trying to breathe, trying to hold on to the courage she's mustered up, trying to keep her emotions in check as she acknowledges everything that's happened to her, everything she's done.
"I started hating performing. It began to feel like a chore, and I blamed it for all the sudden changes in our lives, all the problems, I blamed it for the pit inside my stomach before and after I fall asleep. I was beginning to forget why I loved it in the first place, to forget who I was besides being Huh Yunjin, drummer of Le Sserafim, or even Jen— Kim Chaewon's wife. It was like drowning, or driving through a dark tunnel without finding an exit. I felt stuck."
Her voice begins to grow unsteady, words cracking around the edges but she holds on to Chaewon's hand — her lifeline, her light beyond the tunnel.
"I was desperate for a lot of things, Chaewon. I was desperate to protect you from myself because I hear you crying when you think I'm asleep, and I knew I was the reason why. I didn't know what else to do, I couldn't keep my shit in check and I knew I wasn't making you happy anymore so I looked for an out, I looked for an exit that would save you from the shit show that I was about to become and thought that a divorce was the only option I had." Yunjin laughs as she shakes her head, incredulous. "God knows how it wasn't."
Her vision blurs and she feels the teardrops land on the backs of her hand. Yunjin realizes she doesn't have the strength to hold back the sob that tears through her. Two years of holding everything in, of hiding everything from Chaewon and it feels like she's torn through a dam so she cries, her chest rising and falling with each sob.
Chaewon looks at her, fighting tears of her own as she lets Yunjin continue. She gives her hand another gentle squeeze, telling her 'you're safe, Yunjin. you're safe here'.
"I felt like I was drowning and I was fucking desperate to breathe again so I took it. But holy fuck that bit me right back in the ass. It didn't help me breathe again, it just suffocated me even more. And I ended up losing you anyways. I really thought I was doing the right thing. Fuck, Chaewon, I just wanted you to be happy — I didn't care if it didn't include me anymore, I didn't care if it hurt me."
"You're so stupid," is all Chaewon says with a pained chuckle, she's crying now too, and she can't help but think that this is what age has brought to them — vulnerability.
She hears Chaewon's soft laugh and Yunjin finally gets the courage to look up and lock eyes with her.
"I'm so sorry, I'm so fucking sorry, Chaewon."
"You should have talked to me, but I get why you didn't. And it hurt so much, Yunjin. There are days when I think I can get past it, get past everything that happened on the days that led up to it and the days after, but there are days when everything just hits me so hard I can barely get up. And sometimes I go through getting angry and getting sad because everything was so painful and just so fucking stupid. But I get it. People do stupid things for love, you know? We both did. Some of this is my fault. I shouldn't have run away but all of it already happened. And there's nothing else we can do but accept that."
Chaewon lifts Yunjin's hands and presses her lips softly against them.
"We move forward," she whispers, "because I love you, Yunjin. I love you." Chaewon presses another kiss on Yunjin's fingers, and Yunjin continues to break. "I love you. I want you to get better, I want you to be happy. I want to be better too."
They're both goners at this point, already becoming sobbing messes as they hold onto each other.
"I love you too, Chaewon." Yunjin tells her, voice hoarse and cracked. "I'm really sad that you're leaving but I get that it's something you need to do."
Chaewon hums in agreement. She wants to find herself again, the Chaewon she lost after the heartbreak. She wants to leave for a while without worrying about hurting Yunjin. She wants to kiss Yunjin without feeling guilty and without her chest feeling constricted because even though she loves her so much, they're still both fucking miserable. And for that to happen, she needs to do it alone.
"I'm going to miss you so much. I'm sorry I wasted so much time." Yunjin continues.
Chaewon gives her a smile, cheeks still wet with tears. "We have the rest of our lives to make up for it, Yunjin."
Yunjin nods. "I'll let you go for now, Chaechae. I'll let you go if it means it's the last time I'm going to have to."
She takes Chaewon's hand and presses one of them on the left side of her chest as if to tell her, 'this is where I'll keep you. This is where you'll always be'.
Chaewon gives her an earnest smile that seems to tell her, 'I know, Yunjin. I know'.
--
"Your ticket."
"Got them."
"Your wallet."
"Yep."
"Your passport."
"Of course I have it with me, Yunjin."
"You didn't have it with you when we were about to leave for the United States for the tour."
"That was one time."
"Still."
"You wound me, Huh!"
Yunjin laughs at Chaewon's dramatics, even if there's nothing else she wants to do except cry.
"Drama queen."
"Whatever, you chose to marry me so whose fault is that really?" Chaewon asks, looking smug for a girl in a huge white sweater and a hat with a small pompom on top.
"Mine." Yunjin relents. "All mine, of course."
Chaewon sticks her tongue out like a child taunting a sandbox playmate. Yunjin can't help but feel all warm inside. She chuckles softly and pulls Chaewon into a tight hug, causing the latter to almost drop her carry-on luggage. Chaewon grunts in surprise but she wraps her arms around Yunjin too.
"Take care of yourself over there, okay?" she murmurs.
She feels Chaewon nodding before she hears her say, "I will. Promise me you will too."
"I promise."
Yunjin buries her face against where Chaewon's neck meets the shoulder, and tries not to shed tears. The airport is bustling with people and she's sure there are a bunch of paparazzi lurking in the corners but she finds herself not wanting to leave, not wanting to let this moment go.
But she does.
She has to — at least for now.
Yunjin looks at Chaewon and gives her a smile, the latter gives one back and Yunjin is again reminded of sunshine and glitter, of the light beyond a deep, dark tunnel.
"I'll see you when I see you."
It's an 'I love you'.
Chaewon nods.
"I'll come home soon."
It's an 'I love you too'.
--
Now
Sometimes, Yunjin thinks, all you ever really need is time.
(And a whole lot of therapy.)
Because it takes seven years since Yunjin asked for a divorce and Chaewon fled and hid herself away from her, five years since they began to untangle themselves from the mess born out of their stupid mistakes, and four years since they decided to stay apart at least until they both their got their shit together, for the worst of the storm to pass, for them to relearn to love and forgive themselves, for them to relearn what it feels like to be able to live without each other but still wanting to because having each other makes it a fucking whole lot better.
It takes four years for them to feel like they're finally, finally ready.
a menace <3
[10:00 AM]
I'm coming home, Jen.
---
Everything that you've ever dreamed of
Disappearing when you wake up
But there's nothing to be afraid of
Even when the night changes
It will never change me and you