Memories - Purinz

Chapter 8 - It's Final

Now

Chaewon walks back to the reception after freshening up in the bathroom. She's made sure her eyes don't look bloodshot and tired from all the crying, made sure her face doesn't look as puffy as it had been minutes earlier. She goes back and makes her way to the open bar, determined to at least try to enjoy the rest of the night downing as much alcohol as she can stomach.

Kazuha spots her as she asks the bartender for a glass of scotch.

"Hey. Where were you?" she asks.

Why can't you stop being selfish?

Chaewon breathes out and looks over with a smile.

"Bathroom. The parfait didn't sit well."

Kazuha makes a face, hitting her friend lightly on the shoulder. "Gross. Have you seen Yunjin anywhere though?"

Chaewon looks away, eyes stinging at the mere mention of Yunjin's name.

"Nah. I didn't see her go inside the bathroom either."

The lie rolls off her tongue as if it's the most natural thing in the world. Kazuha eyes her knowingly but Chaewon keeps her eyes straight ahead, pretending to be interested in the different kinds of alcoholic drinks stacked behind the bar. It's a feeble attempt at innocence but she hopes it works anyways.

Kazuha's silence tells her it isn't working.

She kicks herself inwardly.

"Right." Kazuha says after a while. "I should go look for her. We've been asked to play another song."

"At the balcony." Chaewon replies, surprising even herself. She knows Yunjin wasn't okay and that she needed someone so she decides to drop the lie.

After everything, I still fucking care for you, Huh.

"What?"

"At the balcony near the door. Maybe she's still there."

Kazuha knits her brows together, looking at Chaewon in confusion. "Are you okay?"

Chaewon faces her and smiles. "I'm alright. You should go look for her."

It takes all of her strength not to cry again.

Kazuha stares at Chaewon's watery eyes, her forced smile, and it dawns on her.

"Chaewon, I —"

"It's okay, Zuha." Chaewon replies, blinking back tears. "You should go. I'll see you later."

Kazuha puts a hand on her shoulder, "I'll be back."

Chaewon nods and doesn't watch her leave. The bartender places a glass of scotch in front of her and Chaewon's never felt so relieved to see the golden brown liquid shimmering under the lights in her entire life.

--

Then

Yunjin's been thinking about it for a while — leaving.

Leaving the band, leaving Chaewon, leaving everything behind and trying to fix herself before coming back.

She's formed a plan already: get a divorce, finish the comeback and leave. She's gone through it over and over again and every time she does, she finds herself much more scared than the last. She doesn't want to do it, after all, how can she leave everyone? How can she leave Chaewon?

She steps outside and hails a cab, too stressed and anxious to drive to their apartment. Yunjin gets in and stares at the papers on her lap, her feet tapping the floor of the cab as she lets the city pass her by.

She doesn't want to do it. But what other choice does she have? If she stays any longer she's sure she's going to break, she's sure she'll lose control and destroy everything.

She isn't okay, she feels like shit.

Yunjin thinks she's a ticking time bomb and the only way she can save everyone from getting hurt is to leave them and keep them as far away from her as possible.

Get a divorce.

Don't drag Chaewon down with you.

She deserves better.

She doesn't realize she's crying until she sees wet circles on the papers.

"Fuck," she whispers, wiping her eyes harshly.

She has to do this.

Yunjin takes in a breath and moves her gaze to the city outside the cab window.

She imagines she's twenty, sleeping soundly with Chaewon's arms wrapped around her.

--

She arrives at their apartment, knees shaking and heart pounding as she walks to their unit. She takes a breath before opening the door.

All the lights are off save for the lights from the city outside their window. Chaewon loved drawing the back of the curtains to watch the view and drink wine together — somehow that knowledge makes her chest tighten even more.

Yunjin spots her on the couch, wearing Yunjin's Sailor Moon printed shirt and gray sweatpants. There's a half empty glass of wine and a plate of cheese on the table but she has her eyes glued to her phone. Chaewon looks like she's been enjoying a night inside, completely unaware of what shit storm Yunjin is about to drop on her.

"Chaewon," she begins, voice quiet.

Chaewon turns to her, smiling softly. "Jen! Where were you? I'm sorry I turned all the lights off, I was in the mood to watch the cityscape." Chaewon places her phone on the table and continues talking. "Also I think we got robbed, some of your stuff isn't here, mostly your clothes. Although I have a nagging suspicion that you gave them away to buy new ones."

Chaewon giggles, waiting for Yunjin to laugh along but Yunjin doesn't speak.

I can't do this.

Yunjin's extended silence causes Chaewon's giggle to die down. "Alright, I'm sorry. I should sound more worried about a break-in."

Still no answer.

Yunjin's tongue lays heavy inside her mouth, it tastes like rust and dread.

Chaewon looks at her, worry filling in the creases of her forehead. "Yunjin? What's wrong?"

I can't break her heart.

Yunjin stares and watches as Chaewon's eyebrows furrow with concern, she's unable to find it in her to tell her.

I have to do this.

Chaewon deserves someone better.

Yunjin thinks of how hurt Chaewon looks every time they fight, every time Yunjin pushes her away. Yunjin thinks of how she hates that she's destroying her and breaking her heart every single day.

"Yun—"

I have to do this.

"I want a divorce." Yunjin finally forces out of her mouth.

Their world ends the same way it began six years ago — everything disappearing and it's just the two of them.

Yunjin can feel her chest tightening every second she spends watching Chaewon's expression jump from shock to confusion.

"What?"

"A divorce. I want a divorce, Chaewon." Yunjin replies, handing her the divorce papers, hoping it wasn't obvious her hands were shaking.

Chaewon blinks. "...Why?" Her shoulders slump as she looks away, ignoring the papers Yunjin is trying to give her.

Yunjin bites the inside of her cheek.

Fuck.

"I'm tired. I can't do this anymore."

"Yunjin, did I do something wrong?" Chaewon asks her, voice small and unsure.

And it hurts her how Chaewon's first instinct was to doubt herself, to think she was at fault instead of Yunjin's.

Yunjin shakes her head, brows furrowing. "No. You didn't — it's me. I-I'm just so tired and unhappy and I don't think I can spend one more day like this."

"You're tired?" Chaewon asks again, she hesitates for a moment but she continues. "Of me?"

Yunjin looks at her incredulously, no never of you, "It's more than that."

"Let me understand."

I'm not okay.

I'm miserable.

I can't drag you down with me.

If this goes on I'll destroy the both of us.

"I can't do all of this anymore, Chaewon. I'm — I'm tired. I don't have it in me to continue anymore." Yunjin tells her, it's not a lie — Yunjin doesn't have the strength to go on like this: feeling like shit in the morning, hurting everyone she cares about. She clenches her jaw, trying her damnedest to sound firm, to sound strong, like her heart wasn't breaking.

"What about the band?" Chaewon asks. Yunjin swallows, hearing the crack in Chaewon's voice. She feels the room shrink and begins to find it hard to breathe.

"I-I'll still be in the band. At least unt—"

"But you're tired, aren't you?" Chaewon cuts in, brows furrowed, cheeks wet with tears.

Yunjin starts to break.

"I am. So fucking tired," she answers in frustration, "Of everything."

"Everything?" Chaewon asks, throwing Yunjin a look that could cut diamonds, "Everything? How come the only thing you're giving up is me? Us? Why? Why does it have to be us? Is it that easy for you?"

It's fucking not.

Yunjin stares back at her angrily, "You think this is easy for me? Fuck you, Chaewon. I loved you. I loved you so much."

Loved.

That's a lie. Loved — as if she doesn't love her still. But she knows it's the only way Chaewon would ever let her go.

"Loved." Chaewon scoffs with a low chuckle.

The way she says it with so much bitterness made something inside Yunjin fracture. She finally dares to look Chaewon in the eyes but she instantly regrets it. Her eyes are pleading, begging her for something. She looks at Yunjin like she's still the girl who wrote her songs about how much she loves her, like she's still the girl who proposed to her with a hair tie as the rain drenched them completely.

How?

Yunjin knows she might be very close to breaking altogether. But not yet. Not until she gets out of their apartment, she had to leave.

A tear strays down her cheeks anyway, Yunjin wipes it away quickly.

"Chaewon, please. Just let me go." she pleads as she looks back at Chaewon, hand dropping to her side, and her lifeless gaze morphing into a tired one.

Chaewon doesn't speak, her tears already making it clear how she felt. Yunjin sighs and she puts the papers beside Chaewon.

Leave now.

Leave before you change your mind.

"Please just... sign the papers. I'll come back tomorrow to get them." Yunjin begs again.

Please. You deserve better.

"You're not sleeping here?" she hears Chaewon ask.

"No." Yunjin replies. "I—I already moved my stuff back to the band's penthouse."

"I see," Chaewon replies lifelessly, thinking of Yunjin's missing stuff.

I'm sorry.

"I'll see you tomorrow." Yunjin tells her before walking out of the apartment and shutting the door behind her.

Yunjin's heart breaks every step she takes away from their home.

--

Now

Eunchae finds her just as she downs her fifth glass of scotch.

She sits beside Chaewon and eyes her empty glass.

"Something happened." Eunchae says simply, she doesn't need to ask — Chaewon being unable to look her in the eye already says a lot.

Chaewon nods, still avoiding Eunchae's gaze. She keeps her eyes fixated on the empty glass and nods. "Yeah. We talked."

"Talked?" she asks, flagging the bartender to ask for a martini.

Chaewon asks for another glass of scotch and shrugs. "Well we exchanged words?"

Eunchae hits her lightly on the shoulder. "I'm guessing it didn't go so well."

"You can say that," the older girl laughs, Eunchae can hear how shaky Chaewon's voice sounds.

"Did she — did she tell you..?" Eunchae asks.

Chaewon nods. "Yeah. She told me why she wanted a divorce."

Eunchae lets out a loud sigh. "Yunjin was a mess, even before you left. We noticed it. The signs were there and I — we hated how we didn't do much to help before things got really bad. Not like we could, you knew Yunjin the most, you know how she keeps things to herself."

Chaewon doesn't say anything, there's a fracture in her chest that makes breathing feel heavy.

"She and Yujin are very similar." The younger girl says as she places her chin on her palm, staring at the rack of alcohol bottles behind the bar. "They're both self-sacrificing dummies."

"Yunjin's just more stubborn."

Eunchae hums. "I take it Yunjin still doesn't want to fix things?"

Chaewon shakes her head no, somber. "Nope." She lets out a heavy breath and finally looks Eunchae in the eye. "It's really over."

For a second, Eunchae's taken aback by Chaewon's watery eyes, brows furrowed together in an obvious attempt in stopping herself from crying.

Eunchae feels her heart twist into knots.

"I guess our stupid plan didn't work," she says with a sigh, in an attempt to lighten up the mood. She holds Chaewon's gaze, "I honestly thought it did."

Chaewon thinks back to how that day went: she and Yunjin holding hands, talking and laughing during the bachelorette party like the past two years never happened. She recalls all the times Yunjin gave her hope; the time she came over and slept with her arms around Chaewon, Yunjin following her out the bar just to tell her the guy wasn't anyone important and take her home safely. For some fucked up reason, she knows a part of her thought they were going to be okay despite Yunjin saying no over and over and over.

You only saw what you wanted to see.

Her heart breaks all over again but Chaewon takes a deep breath, refusing to cry. She's done too much of that and she's tired.

Worn out.

"Me too," is all Chaewon says, voice just above a whisper.

Eunchae looks away and shakes her head. "I saw the way she looked at you," the younger girl tells her, earning a quizzical look from Chaewon.

Eunchae rolls her eyes. "That soft look she's always reserved for you. The one I saw back when we spent days in the studio and she was busy writing songs about you. The look she gives you when you say something funny and she pretends she hates it." Eunchae looks Chaewon in the eye. "The one I saw at your wedding."

Chaewon purses her lips, heartstrings being pulled apart a thousand times over.

"I saw it again yesterday and thought she may have finally given both of you a chance to be happy again. Or at least try to."

Why can't you stop being selfish and just sign the divorce papers?

"Well, you were wrong." Chaewon replies, throat closing in.

Eunchae momentarily shifts her gaze to the glass of martini and the glass of scotch the bartender had placed in front of them. She takes a sip of her drink before turning her attention to Chaewon again. "Does this mean you're going to let this divorce push through uncontested?"

She doesn't reply, the memory of Yunjin's frustrated face flashing inside her mind.

Stop being selfish.

Yunjin's already done, it's about time you should be too.

Chaewon reaches for her drink and takes a swig, the alcohol burns her throat as she swallows. She's known Yunjin for years and she knows the two of them exhibit sacrifice differently; Yunjin shows it through her willingness to let go and Chaewon does it with her unshakeable determination to hold on.

She thinks that maybe she should try Yunjin's approach for a change, she's done it once before when she left the first time.

"Yeah." Chaewon says finally.

She figures letting go might work this time around.

--

Kazuha pushes the balcony door open and sees Yunjin on the bench, chin resting on her knees, looking straight ahead. She hears her sniffling and Kazuha sighs before moving to take a seat in the space beside her.

"I hate that seeing you like this has become a repeating occurrence." Kazuha tells her, eyes admiring the view in front of them.

"Like what? Alone and miserable?" Yunjin asks, wiping the tears from her face.

Kazuha nods. "Yeah." She turns her gaze over to Yunjin and nudges her knee with her shoulder.

"So what happened?"

Yunjin lets out a breath. "Do you want the long version or the short version?"

Kazuha hums in thought.

"Either one sounds okay. You know I'll listen."

"Well, I fucked up." Yunjin replies with a bitter laugh.

"Ah, so nothing new?"

Yunjin groans, nudging her friend back with her knee. "Shut up."

Kazuha laughs softly. "Tell me how you fucked up this time though?"

"Chaewon wanted to fix things, fix our marriage." Yunjin begins, tears beginning to form again. "I told her no and she asked me why."

She plays with the fabric of her gown as she continues. "I ended up breaking down and told her everything."

"So she knows? That you went back for her?" Kazuha asks, leaning back on the bench.

"Yeah. And she now knows why I wanted to get a divorce in the first place."

"What'd she say after you told her?"

"She told me we can still work on this, on both ourselves together."

"Isn't that supposed to be a good thing then? Yunjin, you hurt her so much, it's why she left in the first place yet she's still willing to fix things between the both of you. Do you really not want that?"

"I do." Yunjin lets out, frustrated. "I want things to go back to the way they were before all this shit. I want to fix things too."

"But you still said no."

Yunjin nods, face already wet with tears.

"Why?"

"Because I really am tired, Zuha. I have been for so long." Yunjin replies, a sob rising from her throat. "I'm tired and really scared. And it's not just about the two of us — I'm, I'm still not okay. I tried to get better but two years and all I have ever succeeded in doing is put up an even bigger wall so I won't get hurt even more and everyone else I care about. And even then I still managed to screw things up, I still ended up hurting her and myself. I don't want to destroy her even more."

"She loves you. She'd understand if you just tell her properly."

"I'd drag her down."

"Yunjin—"

"I knew she wouldn't let me go, she won't set herself free from me so I called her selfish. I called her selfish as if I wasn't." Yunjin says with a bitter laugh. "At least it worked. It finally fucking worked. The look in her eyes before she walked away was a dead giveaway."

Kazuha could only sigh as she pulled Yunjin into a gentle hug.

"I'm sorry this is happening, Jen." Kazuha murmurs. "But please just tell Chaewon what you really feel before it's too late."

"I think it already is." Yunjin whispers, sobs rising from her throat. She cries until her chest feels like it's about to rip itself open.

Kazuha curses the universe as she lets her best friend sob in her arms, not caring if her sleeves get soaked.

--

Then

It rains that night and Yunjin doesn't sleep.

She tosses and turns as she thinks about Chaewon all alone in the apartment they used to share, about the divorce papers she left on the couch, cursing the sound of the rain as she does so. By four in the morning, she's still wide awake, sitting on the floor as she stares at their wedding picture.

It feels wrong, all of it feels wrong.

She thinks of her plan, thinks of all the consequences she's going to face if she goes through with it. She thinks of all the things, all the people she's going to lose.

She thinks of Chaewon.

It's her — it always fucking comes back to her. Yunjin had hurt her, Yunjin had made her cry so much the past few months, Yunjin had broken her heart far too many times than she can count, and this one was the biggest heartbreak she could have given her.

She thinks of Chaewon, smile putting sunshine to shame. She thinks of her warm hugs and reassuring touches, thinks of how the words I love you sound like the wind chimes swaying against the light summer breeze back in Yunjin's childhood home. Her chest tightens.

She thinks of Chaewon and her plan doesn't seem plausible anymore.

Fuck.

The weight of what she's done crashes down on her. Yunjin puts their picture down and gets up.

She can't go through with this.

She fucked up.

Yunjin glances at the clock on her bedside table, the numbers 4:50 glaring at her in red. She grabs her hoodie and dashes out of her room. The living room is dark and quiet, she almost jumps when she spots Sakura on the couch.

Damn early risers.

"Jesus, Kkura."

"Yunjin? Where are you going?" she asks, steam coming out of her mug.

Yunjin puts her hoodie on and takes a deep breath. "I'm off to fix the biggest mistake of my life."

--

Chaewon only sits up when she feels her back beginning to hurt. Her face feels sticky from all the tears that have dried up and she can't seem to breathe properly, but she pays no mind to those. She inches closer to the papers on the couch.

Her mind replays Yunjin's words over and over and over. Chaewon's heart just breaks.

Yunjin is tired.

Tired of everything, she'd told her. Tired of everything and everyone but the thing she seems to be giving up on is their marriage, the only person she seems to be giving up on is her.

I'm the one Yunjin chose to let go of.

I'm the one she wants gone.

She looks at the papers again and a thought comes to her mind.

Maybe it's best if I leave.

--

Yunjin mentally kicks herself when she realizes she forgot to bring her car keys when she dashed out of their penthouse.

"Did your mom give birth to you just so you can be this stupid, Yunjin?" she mutters. She looks out the doors and heaves a deep sigh.

Fuck it.

She pulls her hood up and rushes outside, to hell with the rain — she's going to have to run.

So she does.

--

Chaewon doesn't give much thought to the things she's going to pack. She just grabs a handful of clothes from the closet, underwear, and other essentials, and dumps it all inside her huge ass suitcase. She makes sure her travel documents and ID are already inside her backpack before heading to the bathroom to wash her face. Chaewon doesn't bother changing out of her clothes and throws on a hoodie before putting her glasses on and pulling a baseball cap over her head.

She takes a look around the room and bites her lip.

It's over. And so are the girls they used to be, staring at each other like they're each other's best kept gold, mouthing sweet words at each other to drown whatever shit the world threw at them.

Now, Chaewon realizes this place is filled with ghosts.

Traces of her and Yunjin burning away, scattered like ash. All the conversations they had in the living room, the kitchen, the bedroom — it's all there. But all those conversations are over, all the hugs have been let go, all the kisses pulled away, and Chaewon cannot do anything else except let go the same way Yunjin has.

Chaewon needs to leave — it's best if she does.

She takes her backpack and lugs her suitcase outside to hail a cab. It's raining and the cab is small but suddenly, Chaewon feels like she can breathe again.

--

Yunjin's heart pounds when the familiar façade of their shared apartment comes into view. Her hoodie is already soaked from the rain but she pushes forward, not caring if she steps on the puddles of water on the sidewalk.

Chaewon.

She thinks of her when she runs inside the apartment complex, she wracks her brain to find the right words to tell her when she reaches their door. Yunjin pants and collects herself before placing her hand on the doorknob.

Chaewon, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, I don't want a divorce.

I'm so sorry.

She prepares herself to plead, to beg Chaewon to take her back. She prepares an apology. Yunjin turns the knob and pushes the door open.

I'm so —

Yunjin expects to see Chaewon, pink hair a mess, asleep on the couch and wearing Yunjin's oversized shirt. But she's greeted by an empty apartment instead. Her heart pounds — maybe she's in the bedroom. Yunjin steps inside, trying not to let her knees buckle, and rushes to the bedroom. She opens the door and peers in, Chaewon isn't in here either but the closet door is wide open. Yunjin pushes the door open further, panic starts to settle in her bones when she realizes what's going on.

She feels her eyes water, she blinks the tears back but they spill and roll down her cheeks instead. Her knees finally give up on her and she falls on the floor. A sob rises from her chest and Yunjin feels the room close in on her. Yunjin clutches her chest, trying to breathe.

She's gone.

Chaewon's gone.

--

The news of Chaewon being spotted at the airport spreads like wildfire online, it spreads and spreads to most of the people on Twitter before the band even gets wind of it. In the penthouse, Kazuha and Eunchae are still asleep in their rooms, Sakura's in the living room, drinking coffee while watching a movie. Yujin gets pulled out of sleep at 4:30 in the morning because her phone is ringing nonstop.

She groans and sits up before reaching over her bedside table and answers the call from the band's publicist.

"Hello?" Yujin answers, sleep still evident in her voice.

"Yujin, what is Chaewon doing at the airport?"

"What do you mean airport?" she asks again, still confused.

"She's been spotted at the airport. A bunch of tweets with pictures of her carrying a large suitcase and backpack have already gone viral in the past forty-five minutes. What the hell is going on?"

That wakes her up immediately.

"What? Oh god —"

"Call her! The band is in the middle of a comeback and they're supposed to go on tour next week! They're already taking a hit and the company is not happy. Get her back, An!"

The publicist ends the call before Yujin could even say a word. She gets off her bed and proceeds to dial Chaewon's number. She ignores all the notifications, ignores all the alerts, and she notices she has one unread message.

best-est guitarist and college roommate in the world
[3:51]
i can't stay in seoul anymore
i'm sorry, yujin.
tell everyone else i'm sorry too.

Her blood runs cold.

Yujin dials her number and calls her as she rushes outside of her room to tell everyone. Yujin listens in and waits for Chaewon to answer but Chaewon's number is already out of reach.

--

"Yujin." Sakura says when Yujin steps into the living room, she notices the rest of the band are already up with her.

"We already tried calling her." Eunchae tells her, there's a crack in her voice and it breaks Yujin's heart.

"Is it true?" Sakura swallows and clenches her jaw — always the brave one, always the leader, always the strong one.

Eunchae's hair is a mess, Kazuha's already crying. Yujin puts her phone down and looks at them, she's trying not to cry as well. She's confused and stressed out and there's something else. Something that makes Yujin feel like her chest has been hammered over and over again.

"I— Where's Yunjin?"

"I saw her run out earlier, I think she was going back to their apartment." Sakura answers.

"Do you think she —?"

"I'll go get her." Kazuha speaks up, wiping her tears off before she heads out the door. Yujin stands there, frozen in the center of the living room with her knees so close to buckling. She realizes the other thing she's feeling — it's almost the same thing she felt when she watched Wonyoung walk out of the diner two years ago.

She gives up the fight she has with herself and allows herself to cry; she couldn't help it, she'd lost someone else important again.

--

Now

"Baby." Yujin murmurs against the crook of Wonyoung's neck, hands settling around Wonyoung's waist comfortably as they sway along to the music.

"Hm?"

"Have I told you you look beautiful tonight?"

Wonyoung lets out a laugh, it's soft and it sounds like home. "Only about a million times."

Yujin chuckles. "Wonyoung, you look beautiful tonight."

"Stop hitting on me, I'm married you know." Wonyoung, her wife says as she laughs louder this time.

"Your wife's a lucky bastard." Yujin notes rather smugly.

She feels Wonyoung press a kiss on the top of her head and Yujin begins to feel lightheaded, several years in yet Wonyoung has never failed to make her feel like a love struck school girl.

"Honestly, I think I'm luckier." Wonyoung replies, rubbing Yujin's back gently. "Thank you for singing earlier. I'm proud of you. I know it's been a long while since you last sang in public."

"Mm." Yujin murmurs. "I missed it — performing, I mean. I've been working behind the scenes for years and I've forgotten what it feels like to be the one on stage."

"Have you ever thought of giving it another try?"

"I have." Yujin answers honestly. There were times when she watches her friends performing, wowing the crowd and commanding the stage, and she imagines herself doing those with them, she imagines giving herself a chance to live her dream again. But Yujin's older, she's definitely grown a lot wiser and she's learned a lot of things in the past few years — and that includes letting things be and letting things go.

And over the past few years, Yujin has learned to forgive herself for giving up her dream.

"It felt great to perform again and it definitely made my twenty two year old self really happy." Yujin lifts her head up to meet Wonyoung's eyes. "But I don't think I'll try again though."

Wonyoung knits her brows together, a little confused. "Why not, love?"

"I'm happier now." Yujin smiles, it's earnest and sincere and Wonyoung swears she falls in love with her again like it's the first time.

"Maybe in another life I'd be the girl who lives to perform and sing her heart out. But in this life, I'm An Yujin, the manager of a really, really successful band and I'm really good at my job. I'm An Yujin and I have the best friends in the world. I'm An Yujin, Jang Wonyoung's wife. In this life, I'm loved and I'm happy."

Yujin raises a hand to cup Wonyoung's cheek, the latter leans into the touch as her confused expression melts and softens into something else, it's pride and admiration — Yujin's too good for this world.

"I can sing for you at home anyways. My singing is a private party and you're like, the only VIP member. And maybe our children too."

Wonyoung laughs again, her heart feels full at the thought of the realm of possibilities they have on their hands. "Children?"

Yujin nods. "If you want! Or we could just get Ray and Azzo a sibling. Or siblings."

Wonyoung giggles and kisses her softly. They're still swaying to the music, the band's playing something romantic, some song about finding love and keeping it forever, but it fades into the background and Yujin hears nothing else except Wonyoung's soft 'I love you'.

Yujin meant what she said — she's happy and honestly that's all that matters.

--

"Are you ready to go back inside?" Kazuha asks, voice still full of concern.

Yunjin lets out an exhale and nods. "Yeah. I don't know if I can face Chaewon right now honestly and she obviously isn't going to want to see me but whatever, we still need to perform. I don't want to ruin Wonyoung and Yujin's wedding reception, they deserve to have a nice night."

"You should really try to talk to her, you know. Before the divorce pushes through."

There's a sigh.

"Yeah."

"Hm." Kazuha says, taking a look at her best friend as if she's examining her. "Well I hate to break it to you but you look like shit, Huh."

Yunjin finally laughs a little, Kazuha's chest feels a little lighter. "Help me fix my makeup then, asshole."

Kazuha grins as she gets off the bench, she holds her hand out to Yunjin. "Let's go, we don't want to keep the brides waiting."

Yunjin nods and takes her friend's hand. The ache in her chest is still present, her knees still feel too weak to support her weight, but she sucks it up the way she has been for years.

She's mastered the art of pretending she's okay, she's sure she'll survive one more night.

--

Then

Kazuha arrives at the apartment and sees Yunjin on the floor in the middle of the room, drenched from the rain, face wet with tears.

"Yunjin."

Her friend looks up and sobs, the sight hurts Kazuha more than she thought it would.

"I was too late." Yunjin tells her, voice small. It reminds Kazuha of the time Yunjin fell off her bike when they were eight, her friend was scared and hurt and Kazuha knows that's pretty much what Yunjin is feeling right now.

She doesn't pry, she doesn't ask Yunjin to say anything else.

Kazuha knows.

So she drops down next to Yunjin and pulls her into a hug, it doesn't make things hurt less but at least it's enough to make Yunjin feel like she isn't alone.

--

Chaewon fidgets in her seat, her phone is already off but she's aware of the chaos she had caused by buying a last minute plane ticket to Japan and actually getting on the flight.

She knows it was a reckless move, she knows there are probably pictures of her waiting for her flight spreading around like a flashfire online. But she tries not to think about it too much, she'll make it a problem for tomorrow's Chaewon because right now all she wants to do is leave South Korea and hide.

It's cold inside the plane. Chaewon wraps her jacket around her torso tighter, mildly regretting not bundling up even more.

Chaewon stares out the window and thinks about how loss comes in many different forms and hers is the image of Yunjin shutting the door behind her.

--

"They were about to get a divorce." Sakura says tonelessly, her cup of coffee abandoned cold on the living room center table. "Kazuha and I overheard Yunjin talking to a divorce lawyer the other day."

Yujin tears her gaze away from the carpeted floor and zeroes in on Sakura, confused. "Why would they —"

"I-I don't know. They seemed a bit off for a while now. I've noticed, it's like they're drifting apart. And Yunjin — Yunjin's different." Sakura replies, not meeting Yujin's gaze. "I tried to talk to her so many times already but Yunjin never let anything slip."

"I want to believe you're wrong but—" Eunchae interjects shakily, voice clear in the quiet room. She bites the inside of her cheek, pain concealed in performative defiance. She's noticed all the things Sakura mentioned, something changed and as much as she wants to believe that they're living in a world that's kind to people who cannot keep up with it, reality's already sucker punched all of them in the face.

Sakura shakes her head, "You know I'm not, Eunchae." It breaks their heart even more. "Even if the fallout didn't happen today or last night, it still would have happened eventually."

"Chaewon's going to come back." Eunchae whispers, even if that is the flimsiest statement to be muttered by anyone in the world that time because Chaewon believed in her once and that faith gave her this family so Eunchae's going to believe in her too.

"She's going to." she finishes.

"Yujin." Sakura decides to meet Yujin's gaze and Yujin sees the uncertainty in her eyes, it's something she rarely ever sees in Sakura's. "What's going to happen if — if Chaewon doesn't come back?"

God.

Yujin's head hurts just thinking about it, her lungs hammer inside her ribcage.

"It can be pretty messy," she manages to choke out, "the label could sue her for breach of contract. And if the public doesn't take the news of her leaving too well, Le Sserafim might... you know."

Yujin doesn't need to spell it out for the two of them.

Hot tears sting in Eunchae's eyes, sharp like spindles. She starts to think of castle walls toppling over, her family of four years starting break apart. She looks at Yujin and Sakura, she thinks of Yunjin and Chaewon and Kazuha, suddenly she's a nine year old girl again, cowering in sadness and disappointment and misery at her father's disapproval.

And with the illusion of invincibility ripped away so cruelly, Eunchae begins to feel something she hasn't felt in so long in the presence of the safety offered by the band — fear.

Yujin sees the fear consume Eunchae's beautiful face and she swears she can hear her heart shatter.

"Unnie—" Eunchae tries to say but a sob replaces the words in her throat.

The tears come out by then and Yujin takes her in and pulls her into a hug. Yujin's one of the oldest and she's supposed to be the strongest among them, she's supposed to take care of them, and she was fucking going to.

"I won't let that happen, Eunchae." Yujin tells her, defiance bubbling inside her bloodstream. "I promise."

--

Now

kelly wants a gf @sakuratheprettiest · 2h
OH MYGFUFCLKFLKDL LE SSERAFIM REUNION AT YUJIN AND WONYOUNG'S WEDDING!!! DXJSDJLLDJZL I'M FUCKING SWEATING WITH MY EYES

le ssera #1 fan @jennifersdrums · 2h
Replying to @sakuratheprettiest
FUCKFLJLS CHAE'S THERE!!! OT5!!! OT5!!!!!

kelly wants a gf @sakuratheprettiest · 2h
Replying to @jennifersdrums
BITCH IM ACTUALLY SHAKINGGG

LE SSERAFIM OT5 @zuhaonthebASS · 2h
Replying to @sakuratheprettiest @jennifersdrums
manager yujin sounds so good too oh my go d this is the performance i never knew i needed

KAZUHA BEST GIRL @kazunaka69 · 2h
Replying to @zuhaonthebASS @sakuratheprettiest @jennifersdrums
I LOVE THEM SO MUCH JESUS CHRIST THEY LOOK SO HAPPY OHYMGO D

--

Then

Yunjin asks to be left alone once she and Kazuha arrive back at the penthouse, and the lifelessness in her eyes, the dullness in her voice is enough for them to let her be.

Kazuha joins Yujin, Sakura, and Eunchae in the living room, with the latter three huddled beside each other on the couch. Yunjin's probably asleep, or crying herself to sleep, her cheeks wet against her pillows. None of them say a word for a while — it's a waiting game and it's brutal to people like them who aren't used to stagnancy and immobility.

"The label wants to talk later." Yujin announces before the silence completely consumes them, gathering her bearings and struggling to keep her priorities in check. She can't remain in the current emotional state she's in right now, not if she wants to protect the band and her friends.

"We're in pretty hot shit, huh." Kazuha comments, a chuckle escapes her mouth but there's no humor to it.

"Yeah but I won't let anything bad happen to you guys." Yujin tells them. "If and when I stop them from even mentioning anything about disbandment, we'll surely talk about the tour and the comeback promotions."

She looks at them, hoping that talking about work would help them gain a little sense of normalcy.

"We'll have to push dates and reschedule."

"I can't decide whether I love your blind optimism or absolutely hate it right now, Yuj." Kazuha replies.

"Whatever." Yujin says dismissively. She looks at Kazuha and the defiance in her posture melts away. "Did... Did Yunjin tell you anything? About what happened with her and Chaewon?"

Kazuha shakes her head no. "She's a mess in distress right now but I'm sure she'll tell us when she's not crying her eyes out."

"I hope so." Yujin whispers.

"Me too." Sakura seconds.

The silence leaves the living room as the sounds of the city coming alive replace it. But the tension and the remorse stretch themselves out to every corner of the penthouse, thoughts of what ifs and what-they-could-have-dones lash out inside their heads like waves during a storm.

Sakura thinks of earthquakes, tornadoes, tsunamis and she thinks of how cruel it is that sometimes the aftermath of the destruction is much more devastating than the actual disaster itself.

--

Yunjin half-heartedly changes out of her wet clothes when she steps inside her room.

Her room.

As if she didn't share it with Chaewon for years before they moved out and took shelter in a place of their own, as if there wasn't a picture of the two of them together on the nightstand, as if the vanity mirror at the edge of the room didn't have pictures of them plastered on its corners.

Yunjin drops herself onto the bed, everything feeling heavy. She wraps her comforter around her tighter than she usually does, the cold from the rain raises the goosebumps on her skin.

It smells like Chaewon, she realizes — cedar and jasmine, and the fracture in her heart grows bigger. She places a hand on her chest hoping to calm herself down but it doesn't work. She's filled to the brim with regret and all the excess spills out of her eyes.

Yunjin thinks that it's a terrible thing to witness a great love catch fire and burn away and realize she was the one holding the match.

--

"LE SSERAFIM's going to finish this week's promotions and then they go on hiatus before we slowly let them transition into disbandment." Kang Minhyun, the label representative and one of the company bigwigs, tells them. The members remain still in their seats, their nerves getting the best of them as soon as the word 'disbandment' is mentioned.

"Why do we have to disband? We've been doing well. You can't do that!" Sakura begins, trying to stay calm.

Yujin reaches over and squeezes her hand, letting her know that Yujin's got this.

"I don't think you have a say here, Sakura." Minhyun snaps dismissively.

"Don't talk to her like that and no." Yujin says firmly as she stares the label representative in the face. "You're not taking the issue out on the band."

"Kim Chaewon is part of the band, she caused this mess and it's not the label's fault she left her bandmates to suffer the consequences."

Yunjin looks at her hands, nails chipping away the nail polish as she fidgets. The guilt and regret swallows her whole.

Chaewon didn't cause this, I did.

She's about to speak up but she gets cut off by Yujin's sharp voice.

"No." Yujin repeats, angered at the accusation. "You don't get to say that. Not when you have no idea how much she loves the band and the members."

"She —"

"No. You're not touching Chaewon, you're not going to ruin the band by going through with the disbandment either."

"An, who's going to support Le Sserafim if one member disappeared for no reason?"

Yujin's brows furrow together as she scoffs. "A lot of people! They have a huge fanbase, not to mention loyal. They'd still support them."

She hasn't slept, choosing to focus on making plans regarding the security of the band from disbandment and any other irrational shit the label might pull. Her hair is pulled back into a careful ponytail, she's wearing a white blouse and dark pants, and besides the dark circles under her eyes, anyone who didn't know her wouldn't be able to tell that she's been up since four in the goddamn morning.

Yujin means business, Yujin knows she has a job to do and she was going to do it.

"The band is getting bad rep from this, An! From rumors of her breakup with Yunjin to rumors of bullying within the band, all the members are in hot shit right now, not just Kim. You don't understand —"

Yujin's temper flares up, her big sister tendencies are being reckoned and provoked and she's going to make sure the representative regrets it.

"No, you don't understand. Le Sserafim is the first group this label has handled and the band has been hard carrying this company ever since. Whose profits built the new building? The whole fucking third floor of the old one? The band did. Who keeps selling out all the concerts and shows and whatever shit merchandise the marketing team puts out? Le Sserafim. The group has been around for so long and has been doing spectacular no thanks to you and your medieval ways of managing a group. Don't threaten them with disbandment because you assholes wouldn't be enjoying Saturday nights out on your yachts if it weren't for the band's hard work." Yujin spits out, her tongue's sharp but she doesn't care, instead she continues with her tirade.

"If you go through with this bullshit then say goodbye to the band, I'm sure there are tons of labels who'd love to take in the current number one alternative rock band in the country. And when that happens and believe me when I say it will, say goodbye to all the cash that's currently going into your pockets."

Minhyun — the bastard doesn't say anything but looking at how he swallows down whatever he was supposed to say, Yujin knows she's hit him where it hurts.

"An," he starts.

Yujin regains her composure and clears her throat. "I'm sorry I yelled."

Kazuha feels a giggle bubble up her throat but she resists the urge to laugh, Yujin's shift from menacingly persistent to calmly polite is giving her some sort of whiplash.

Minhyun breathes out and shakes his head. "What do you plan on doing to deal with this whole mess then? Since you seem like you've already thought this whole thing through."

Yujin smiles, she means business after all but she dials back the venom in her voice.

"Let the band finish the promotions for this week and let them take a break afterwards, a short hiatus or something but they're not disbanding. They just need to rest and recuperate, especially Yunjin."

"And what about Kim?"

"We just tell the public that she left to rest. That's all. The world doesn't deserve to know what goes on in her private life, it's nobody's business. The members already have enough of their lives under a microscope, they don't need to expose more of it."

Minhyun groans in frustration. He pauses and stares at Yujin, mulling over everything the girl has said. Yujin is only a little worried, she knows she's got him.

"I've yet to punish you for the earlier disrespect, An, but alright. I have no room for your threats so do what you will. Let the band take a break but not for more than a year. If this blows up in your face, it'll be your ass we first kick out into the curb."

Yujin nods.

"Alright. You have a deal."

--

The car ride back to the band's penthouse is quiet, the silence twists itself into every nook and cranny of the vehicle.

It's Yunjin who speaks up first.

After they all flock inside the living room, it's her who grabs Yujin's hand and talks to her.

"Thank you," she mumbles, eyes already starting to water, "for what you did back there."

Yujin shakes her head. "Don't worry about it. I told you no one's touching all of you while I'm around."

Yunjin breaks and pulls the older girl into a hug, the rest of the members notice the two of them and stop in their tracks; Kazuha watches them, aware of the stinging in her eyes while Sakura's already wiping the tears off her own cheeks, Eunchae lets out a sigh and walks over to where they are standing.

Yujin rubs her back gently.

"We need to talk about what really happened though."

Yunjin nods before pulling away from the hug and collapsing on the couch. The other girls gather around her, ready to listen.

"I asked for a divorce." Yunjin starts, letting out a deep exhale as she tries to continue speaking without restarting the waterworks all over again. "I had all the papers ready and everything. All I needed was for her to sign it."

"Yunjin..." Sakura murmurs, eyes filled with concern and confusion. "Why? What happened?"

"It's not Chaewon's fault, she didn't do anything bad. It's me." Yunjin answers, the fracture in her voice growing more evident as the seconds go by. "I haven't been doing well for a long time, it's the stress about everything — it's been getting to me and I didn't know how to deal with it. I mean I thought I did. That's why I kept it to myself, I thought I could handle it. But the feelings kept getting worse, the attacks — they didn't stop."

Yunjin realizes there are tears already rolling down her cheeks and so she looks down at her feet before continuing to speak.

"It's like it doesn't matter how fast my heart races or how difficult it is to breathe, the fucking terrible feelings are still there, all the shitty thoughts and anxieties are still fucking there. And it's gotten to the point where every day I feel like I'm fucking Prometheus cursed to get my liver pecked out by a stupid bird for all of eternity."

Yunjin holds her head in her hands, not allowing herself to fully fall apart until she's finished telling her friends everything.

But it hurts, just the mere act of admitting everything she's been going through for the longest time feels like a stab to the chest.

"And I didn't want to be a burden or drag you guys down with me. You had your own stuff to deal with, I couldn't do that to you. Especially not to Chaewon." Yunjin laughs bitterly. "I had it all fucking planned out: I was going to get a divorce, finish promotions, and leave to deal with myself and to fix my shit before even trying to come back. It was a fucked up plan I know but I didn't know what else to do, it was the only plausible plan that wouldn't drag you guys down with me."

Kazuha listens and she realizes she doesn't have the strength to hold her tears back anymore.

"But god, a few hours after I proposed the divorce bullshit I began to regret it. I realized that I couldn't and I shouldn't do this alone. I realized that I don't have the willpower to deal with this metric fuck ton of bullshit by myself anymore." Yunjin stammers, tears still rolling down her cheeks. "I can handle it by myself most of the time, you know? But I'm just so fucking exhausted."

"I need help." Yunjin tells them, her voice shakes, the weight of the admission breaking her again and again. "And Chaewon — Jesus fuck. I can't live without her, I just know I can't so I decided to take it back, to run back to her and beg her not to sign it because I can't do this shit without her, I love her. And I did, I literally ran back to our apartment, to her but when I got there she was gone. And I was already too late."

"Oh, Yunjin." Sakura whispers, rubbing her friend's back.

Eunchae sniffs, wiping her own tears away before she kneels in front of Yunjin. "She'll come back — she just needs... time. And you have us, Jen. We always have been, just let us."

Kazuha chuckles lightly, face also wet with tears. "Yunjin, I think we've been friends long enough for you to stop doubting how we'll always be here for you. You don't need to present a disclaimer before we agree to help you."

"Let us help, okay?" Yujin murmurs.

Yunjin finally looks up, and nods. She musters up the strength to give them a small smile, feeling grateful and touched, "Okay."

Yujin smiles back, it's reassuring and warm. And Yunjin feels safe.

"Okay."

--

That night, however, Yunjin reaches for her phone and stares at Chaewon's contact number. They told her her number's been out of reach since she left but Yunjin can't help but hope, so she gathers her courage and types 'Chaewon, where are you?'. Her thumb hovers over the send button but she stops herself from pressing it. She deletes her message and types up another one, this time saying 'I'm sorry', she deletes it again and composes a new one.

Please, come home.

She stares at it, trying to summon enough bravery to press send.

In the end, she doesn't.

--

Now

Chaewon's already feeling dizzy when she decides to step away from the open bar.

She grabs the glass of gin and tonic off the counter and follows Eunchae as they make their way to where their friends are.

"Hey, have you seen Kazuha?" Sakura asks when Eunchae takes the spot beside her. Eunchae shakes her head no.

Chaewon takes a sip of her drink before speaking up.

"I think she went to look for Yunjin."

"Why? Is there something —" Sakura says before getting cut off by Eunchae's gentle nudge. They exchange looks and Sakura's face lights up as the realization dawns on her. "Oh."

Eunchae nods while Garam and Jiwon, being two of the very few people who're aware of the Yunjin-Chaewon situation, look at them with eyes full of concern.

"It's no big deal." Chaewon laughs, the alcohol already getting to her brain. The dull ache sits in her chest and makes a home inside of her. "Things end. Maybe this is how Yunjin and I are supposed to end."

She's aware of how much she doesn't want to believe that that is the case, but after the shit that went down between them earlier, Chaewon feels like she doesn't have a choice but to accept it.

"It's for the best," she finishes.

Maybe it is.

--

Kazuha steps back inside the reception after a couple of minutes finally with Yunjin in tow.

By that time, Garam has already disappeared with Eunchae onto the dance floor, the two of them giggling and looking comfortable as they try to sway with the music. Jiwon on the other hand, has decided to raid the buffet table with her plus one. Sakura and Chaewon make small talk while Chaewon gradually sips her glass empty.

"Hey," Kazuha greets them as she slots herself beside Sakura, locking eyes with the latter for a split second.

It's a weird telepathic thing they've developed over the years, one that's been useful since they got partnered in some classes back in uni. If Yunjin and Chaewon, and Wonyoung and Yujin have their own versions of the soulmate bullshit where they don't need to say anything for the other to get what they mean, then maybe this is theirs.

"We just needed a bit of, uh, fresh air."

Sakura nods.

"Are you okay now?" she asks the both of them but everyone knows it's directed to Yunjin alone.

"Yeah." Yunjin answers simply, cheeks flushed and eyes a little puffy.

Chaewon only realizes she's been staring at her when Yunjin suddenly looks at her and they accidentally lock gazes. Chaewon blinks and hurriedly looks away, fixating her gaze on the bodies swaying on the dance floor.

Kazuha clears her throat. "Well, we're up next right?"

The tension dissipates a little.

"Yeah, we should stay closer to the stage." Sakura replies, "For easy access."

Kazuha hums in agreement but before they can take one step towards the stage, Yunjin's voice cuts through the music.

"Are you going to perform with us again?"

Sakura and Kazuha tense up when they realize Yunjin's question is for Chaewon. Chaewon looks a little surprised as well, eyebrows raising just enough to convey her shock.

She takes a step back like the question physically impacts her before she looks back at Yunjin, tears glossing over forming a layer separating Yunjin from the russet irises she's stared into so many times before.

It renders her speechless.

It's Yunjin's first sign of surrender.

Back when they had their petty fights, Yunjin raised her white flag by asking Chaewon if she wanted to do something together; 'Do you wanna eat bulgogi with me?' when they argued over not being able to eat lunch together, 'Are you gonna come here and get the cuddles you fought for or not?' when Chaewon sulked about them once.

Chaewon used to get flooded with comfort and relief when Yunjin did this but right now, it does nothing but break her a thousand times over.

Yunjin raised her white flag.

"Once was enough."

Chaewon doesn't take the bait.

--

Le Sserafim steps onto the stage minutes later for their last performance.

"Hi, it's LE SSERAFIM... again." Sakura says with a soft chuckle into the microphone, the crowd laughs with her. "Earlier, we performed for Wonyoung so for our last performance at this wedding, we're performing a song for Yujin as per Wonyoung's request."

Yujin turns to her wife, face a combination of surprise and delight.

"Really?" Yujin asks, lips breaking into a smile.

"I couldn't let you one up me with the surprises." Wonyoung teases. "I hope you remember this song, you're already an old lady."

"You're not allowed to tease me, I just got married today!"

Wonyoung looks at her incredulously, like it's the first time she's hearing about this. "Really? Oh my god. Me too."

Yujin hits her lightly on the shoulder, making Wonyoung laugh. Seeing Wonyoung's eyes turn into slits as her face breaks open into a smile makes Yujin's heart feel full.

"Everyone, this is Adore You." Sakura grins, she looks at the couple and her grin grows wider. "Happy wedding! We love you both!"

Kazuha starts the song with the first bassline, Eunchae playing along with her. Yunjin follows not long after while Sakura prepares to croon out the first few lines.

"Walk in your rainbow paradise," Sakura sings, her cheerful grin turning into a smug smile, "strawberry lipstick state of mind."

The people in the ballroom, including the happy couple, dance to the music.

I get so lost inside your eyes

Would you believe it?

Jiwon and Garam dance on the sides as they sing along, Eunchae grinning when she sees Garam enjoying herself.

Chaewon remains frozen in her place, her gaze drifting towards Yunjin. She hates herself for it, hates how she can't fucking even keep her eyes off of Yunjin. She hates how after everything that happened, Yunjin still manages to draw her attention.

Yunjin mastered the art of tuning everything out, pretending like she's in her own world, as if she didn't just have a breakdown earlier.

Chaewon's seen this Yunjin a thousand times before — she's always different when she's hitting her drums. Yunjin denied it before but Chaewon knows the former loves playing her instrument, how the whole song depends on her for the beat, how songs feel less empty when she enters with the drumbeat.

Yunjin has always been beautiful. There are moments where she becomes much more beautiful than she already is. Her playing the drums is one of those moments.

She's always been drawn to the sight of Yunjin and her drums, the muscles in her arms flex as she tightens her grip on the drumsticks. It'd become such a distraction years ago that she used to mess up songs during their practices because she found herself staring at Yunjin.

Chaewon's always thought it looked fucking spectacular.

The sight of her had always made her feel like it's the first time she's laid eyes on her, it had always made her melt like butter on piping hot French toast during Sunday mornings.

You don't have to say you love me

You don't have to say nothing

You don't have to say you're mine

It's still a terrific sight.

Only difference is right now, Chaewon looks at her and just wants to cry.

--

Then

With the promotions over and the tour cancelled, the band's officially on a break. That meant they finally get to unwind, unfortunately, that also meant it gave Yunjin more time and space to wallow in her thoughts.

She doesn't start her therapy sessions until a week later so they decide to drag Yunjin out to a club one Friday night in yet another one of their attempts to distract and cheer her up while she waits.

It's Yujin who picks where they go that night.

"Club Answer," she tells them, grinning evilly.

Sakura rolls her eyes. "Why'd you say it like you just came up with a plan to destroy the world?"

"With the combination of Yujin and alcohol? We might as well actually destroy the world." Kazuha interjects, earning a pillow to her face courtesy of the other girl.

They erupt into laughter, including Yunjin.

"You're right. She's the worst drinker." Yunjin says.

It warms Yujin's heart that Yunjin's trying so she shoots her a teasing grin.

"Hello? You and Zuha are the noisiest drunks I've ever known."

Kazuha scoffs. "Talk to me when you don't need three people to assist you once you get flat out drunk anymore."

"Shut up." Yujin retorts with a small pout. "Besides, that was me back in college. You know I don't drink anymore."

"Yeah, yeah." Kazuha sighs before motioning to Yunjin. "I'm just glad this one agreed to go out."

Yujin looks over at her friend, a soft smile present on her face. "Yeah. I think we all are."

--

They're a little over thirty minutes in on the second level of Club Answer when Yujin decides to buy herself a drink.

She's been keeping track of how many drinks her friends have consumed — a habit of hers since she's stopped drinking back in college, it's her way of fighting the urge to order beer or anything else that could get her drunk. Yujin already has a tally ready in her head; Yunjin's on her fourth drink, Kazuha's on her fourth, Sakura's on her fifth, and Eunchae's on her second. It's when she realizes she's parched from munching on the sliders they ordered and she's finished what was left of her water.

So she gets up from their table and stalks forward, the music blaring in her ears as she's trying and half-failing not to hit the bodies swaying with the music on her way to the bar counter.

Honey

I'd walk through fire for you

Just let me adore you

Yujin leans on the edge of the counter to flag the bartender and order a virgin mojito.

She scans the expanse as she waits for her drink, the second floor of the club was meant for celebrities and VIPs so she isn't at all surprised to see some familiar faces.

Oh, honey

I'd walk through fire for you

Just let me adore you

Like it's the only thing I'll ever do

Like it's the only thing I'll ever do

Yujin waves back at some actresses she's worked with before taking the managing gig when they walk by, flashing them her signature toothy smile. The bartender hands Yujin her drink after a few short minutes and Yujin takes it, grateful for the cold sensation that runs through her palm when she touches the glass.

Your wonder under summer skies (summer skies)

Brown skin and lemon over ice

Would you believe it?

Yujin takes a swig of her drink before she pulls her weight off the edge of the counter to make her way back to their table but the swiftness of the movement causes her to stumble a little, hitting the shoulder of the person beside her.

The drink spills a little over the glass but it thankfully doesn't land on the person's clothes.

"Shit. I'm sorry." Yujin says quickly.

"Oh, it's okay! You didn't —"

You don't have to say you love me

I just wanna tell you something

Lately you've been on my mind

Yujin zeroes in on the girl's face and suddenly the world around her seems to slow to a stop. Her heart beats along to the bass bursting out of the speakers.

"Wonyoung," she breathes out as Wonyoung murmurs, "Yujin."

Yujin takes her in — her hair's long and blonde, her lips are red, cheeks looking flushed under the disco lights. It's been so long since she's seen her and her first thought when she does is about how beautiful she still is.

She doesn't feel the anger, the regret, the sadness she thinks she's supposed to feel.

None of those.

Seeing Wonyoung in all her glory after two long years made Yujin feel simultaneously alive and relaxed at the same — it's like finally being able to eat after starving for a week, it's like finally going home after a long, hard day.

A smile splits her face in two.

Wonyoung stares back at her.

She didn't expect to see her this soon, not in this place too. She planned to meet her and expected to find herself begging for forgiveness but none of those is happening.

Her hair is shorter than she remembers, there's less fat in her cheeks than before. Yujin's older but her smile remains soft, her eyes still remain kind. And the sight of her makes all her worries disappear for a while.

"You're home." Yujin murmurs, she doesn't expect Wonyoung to hear her but Wonyoung does.

The blonde smiles back, it's shy and hesitant at first but Wonyoung swears she can feel her heart fly into the sun.

"I'm home."

--

The air felt lighter the moment Chaewon stepped foot in Japan.

She had no idea what she's going to do or where she's going to go from there but she was glad she's away from everything clawing at her back in Seoul.

She'd spent a few days in a guesthouse in Tokyo, intending to spend the time planning her stay well. Besides planning her stay, she also took the time to contact her parents in Seoul, telling them she's okay and she'll be back soon all the while ignoring all the messages and the notifications that popped up when she turned her phone back on.

Chaewon had deactivated all her social media as well, reclaiming her almost forgotten private accounts and had chosen to lurk there instead.

Chaewon didn't want to be found.

Now, she's almost a month into her break, living in a unit inside a quaint little apartment building in Kurashiki.

She's been doing okay, as okay as she can get that is. Her hair is dyed black and is cut at shoulder length, her nails are clean of nail polish, and her old phone's been off after the first day in Japan, now collecting dust inside the drawer of her bedside table.

She gets a job at a pastry shop in town, manning the counter and taking customers' orders. She makes friends with the old lady whose cooking never fails to remind her of her grandmother's, and lives with her granddaughter and their dog in the unit beside hers. She eats dinner with them on Thursdays, and talks to them about the life she had in Seoul — she leaves out the part that she's in a band, she leaves out the part about the heartbreak that forced her to leave.

"I know someone who hates watermelon." Chaewon says at dinner one time.

"Is it Yunjin?" the granddaughter, Hanako, asks. Chaewon smiles and nods. "Yeah. How'd you know?"

"You talk about her a lot, Chaewon-nee chan." Hanako says, smiling brightly. "She's special."

"She is."

"Do you miss her?"

"All the time."

--

It's September, just three months into the band's hiatus and Yunjin finds herself moping on her bed.

She's formed a routine over the months already: eat, sleep, go to weekly sessions with her therapist, play the drums, try to write music, watch movies, sleep, and repeat.

Her friends have been trying to convince her to go out with them; Sakura had invited her to attend Pilates and yoga classes with, Eunchae had invited her to hang out at a dog café, Yujin had invited her to the movies with Wonyoung— all invitations to get her out of the penthouse have been utterly shot down.

It's Kazuha who's trying to convince her now.

"Yunjin, come on. It's a puppy show, you'll be able to pet puppies — cute, fluffy ones you'd love to cuddle with and coo over."

"It's too warm outside." Yunjin argues weakly, not looking Kazuha in the eyes and focusing her eyes on the TV in front of her as she munches on corn chips instead.

"When was the last time you went outside?" Kazuha asks her.

Yunjin barely takes her eyes off the TV. "What day is it?"

"Monday."

Yunjin hums briefly. "Then last June."

"You little shit."

--

They stop trying to convince her to go outside after that.

She'd do it if she was ready.

--

She could lie to herself and say she's better off living here but no, Chaewon knows she still has to face all the ghosts she'd left back in Seoul.

But she just can't bring herself to do it yet.

So she copes by spending most of her nights watching old videos of her and the band on Youtube, she sometimes ends up binge watching all their variety show guestings, their interviews, their lives.

She listens to their songs while she cleans her unit, listens to it when she's cooking dinner for herself, listens to them when she has trouble sleeping.

Chaewon spends her nights crying and thinking about Yunjin, she cries and wallows in the pit of loneliness she's dug for herself until she falls asleep imagining Yunjin's arms wrapped around her securely.

She wakes up and the other side of the bed is cold, Chaewon gets up and faces the world alone.

Her life away from home is fun and quiet, but Chaewon's still haunted.

--

On the night of October 8th that year, Kazuha catches Yunjin crying on the floor of her bedroom thanks to her door being slightly ajar.

They'd finished celebrating her birthday just a few hours ago, a small dinner with her parents and her bandmates, Wonyoung was there too. Yunjin had put on a pleasant smile before, enjoying the company and eating cake, now she's sitting on the floor with her knees drawn close to her chest as she sobs.

"Jen," she says softly as she approaches her.

"It's my first birthday without her, Zuha." Yunjin tells her, the ache wraps itself around her ribs. "Since I'd met her, she's always been there, shoving cake into my face or wiping icing on my cheek. Tonight she wasn't."

Kazuha plops down onto the space beside her, leaning her back against the edge of the bed.

"Do you miss her?"

"I do."

--

Approximately 629 miles away on that same night, Chaewon buys a cake — a strawberry shortcake the shop she works at sells.

She's alone in her apartment, the only source of light is the screen of her phone and the light of the candle she lit on the cake.

She blows the candle and smiles as she fondly thinks of the girl she left behind hundreds of miles away.

"Happy Birthday, Yunjin."

--

The day after her birthday, Yunjin gives in and scrolls through her phone's gallery.

She watches her videos with Chaewon, looks and stares at their pictures — it's a form of torture, some form of punishment she's willingly decided to inflict upon herself to atone for fucking things up completely.

All day, she fights the urge to call her, to message her, to check her phone in the hopes of receiving a call or a text from her.

She repeats the cycle the next day, and the next.

--

Now

The reception went on for another hour.

There'd been a hilarious ruckus during the tossing of the brides' bouquets involving Yujin's cousin and Wonyoung's choreographer who ended up almost wrestling each other to get their hands on the bouquet while Eunchae stood on the sidelines holding the other as she fights the burst of laughter about to erupt from her mouth.

There'd been a few more dances and photo ops before the event came to an end by sending the brides off to their car for their wedding night. The car sped away with applause and cheers behind its tail.

Chaewon had been avoiding Yunjin for the rest of the event, refusing to make eye contact with her, not allowing herself to be in arm's reach.

But now they're alone, outside of the parking lot while they wait for their friends to get their cars out.

The silence settles between them, it's awkward and it makes Chaewon want to run away.

Yunjin is the first to break it.

"Chaewon."

Her voice destroys the shield Chaewon's put up for the majority of the evening, it all come crashing back — the divorce, Yunjin's words, the painful twist of her heart.

Chaewon doesn't say anything, she just silently gathers copious amounts of strength to stop herself from crying. She fails though, tears readily roll down her cheeks the second she hears Yunjin's voice.

"I'm sor —"

Chaewon turns slowly to face Yunjin without falling to her knees and breaking down and Yunjin sees her face, sees the tears, and the pain of such a sight fills her lungs and she can't breathe properly anymore.

Chaewon shakes her head.

Not tonight, my heart is tired.

"I'll see you tomorrow, Huh."

She looks away and wipes the tears off of her face.

Before Yunjin could respond, Kazuha wheels her car out of the parking lot, Sakura's in the passenger seat, Eunchae already sleeping in the back.

"We'll drive you to your hotel, Chaewon." Sakura calls out after rolling the windows down.

Chaewon shakes her head and flashes Sakura a small smile.

"Nah, it's okay, Kkura. I already booked a cab earlier and the ride's almost here. I just waited to say goodbye."

"Are you sure?" Kazuha speaks up from the driver's seat.

"Yep. You should go straight home and rest." Chaewon replies, "And it's... been a long night."

Sakura's face falls upon hearing her statement but she understands, she always does.

So she smiles back warmly at Chaewon.

"Alright. Call any of us when you get to your hotel, okay?"

Chaewon nods.

"Sure thing, mom," she says before turning to Kazuha and saying, "Drive safely."

Kazuha gives her a thumbs up and faces Yunjin, "Jen, get in."

Yunjin doesn't realize she's been staring at Chaewon, not until Kazuha's voice pulls her back into reality.

Chaewon doesn't look at Yunjin when she steps inside the car, Yunjin's heart shattered into a thousand more pieces all the way home.

--

Chaewon sits on the bed in her hotel room, the windows are drawn out and there's a glass of wine in her hand as she stares at the late night cityscape.

It's an awfully familiar setup, some sort of déjà vu.

It feels like the evening before the start of an apocalypse.

Chaewon takes a sip of her wine and thinks that in just a few hours, maybe, just maybe, she'll get the peace she deserves.

--

Kazuha and Sakura share a bottle of Cass on the balcony — it's become a habit of theirs, formed after one college party they attended together. Sakura had the highest alcohol tolerance between the two of them so she and Kazuha decided to share drinks once the latter started feeling tipsy or on the verge of becoming flat out drunk.

They've been doing it for a very long while and they're both glad that it stuck with them even after they got famous.

Sakura draws her knees closer to chest as Kazuha stares out in the open, humming a melody absentmindedly.

"What happened to them earlier?" Sakura asks.

Kazuha stops and sighs. "They pretty much imploded."

"Yunjin still didn't want to give their relationship a chance?"

"Yeah." Kazuha replies. "She said she wanted to, though. But she didn't say yes because she's scared."

"But she still loves her, doesn't she?"

Kazuha nods wordlessly.

Sakura hums, taking a swig of their beer.

"I get where Yunjin's coming from," she mumbles, "being in love with someone isn't enough reason to dive into a relationship or in her case, try again with that person. It's like stepping into water with one foot in and the other firmly planted on land. The relationship's going to be half-assed and flimsy."

Kazuha listens to her, reaching in to start munching on the cashews again.

"She's harboring anxiety about what will happen next, if she'll hurt Chaewon again or vice versa. And I get it. With everything Yunjin's dealing with, the future can be really fucking scary and naturally Yunjin's first instinct is to shield Chaewon from whatever disaster she was going to bring in. She loves Chaewon enough to let her go."

"Ah." Kazuha chuckles. "Is that what happened to us? Why you didn't even try with me?"

Sakura tenses up, not expecting Kazuha to bring their past up but Sakura sighs in agreement anyways.

"Well, yeah." Sakura replies. "I didn't want to get into a relationship with you when I had a lot of commitment issues to resolve. You're my friend first before everything else so I had to stop things before it got too serious."

"Do you regret it?" Kazuha asks.

The older girl laughs as she nods. "I do, Zuha. Sometimes I do."

She looks at Kazuha and smiles, the latter raises an eyebrow. "Sometimes?"

"Yeah. But I think about where we are in each other's lives right now, how we've become better friends after all these years, and I begin to thank twenty-three year old Sakura for not fucking this up."

Kazuha chucks a nut at her and grins, "I thank twenty-three year old Kazuha for being understanding."

"Yep and besides you're fucking crazy, I would like to have a girlfriend who doesn't like pineapple on pizza."

"You little shit. You're allergic to pineapple, your opinion isn't valid."

"Whatever, Kazuha. I don't take criticism from someone who was head over heels for me."

"Was? Who said I'm over you, dumbass?" Kazuha counters with a huff.

Sakura throws her a teasing grin. "Gross." Then she adds, "Maybe in the future we can give it a shot."

"Yeah." Kazuha agrees. "When you're ready."

"When everything's okay."

Sakura grin softens.

"When everything's okay."

--

In her room, Yunjin wraps her comforter around her as she sits on the floor.

She's facing the window with the curtains drawn out while she watches the city lights sparkle like someone had carelessly scattered bits and pieces of diamonds all over.

There's a half empty can of beer beside her and the sound of the city below her fills the room.

She listens.

It's become a habit of hers over the past year, born out of the ache of wanting, born out of the pain of missing the person she loves.

Yunjin draws her knees closer to her chest and lets regret fill every vein in her body.

--

Then

On the 1st of August, Yunjin started writing lyrics again.

She's written lines in the past couple of months already but she hasn't written a full song since their last comeback. She's decided to try and start writing again, her therapist tells her it's a good way to let her feelings out too, that it's a good way to let herself breathe.

So she takes a slice of blueberry cheesecake from their fridge before settling inside her room. It might have been pathetic to some, eating cake in an attempt to celebrate the birthday of someone who isn't there but Yunjin finds comfort in it.

It helps with the loneliness.

Yunjin sits on the floor of her bedroom, opens a can of beer, and opens her notebook after such a long time. She reaches over and gets a pen from her drawer and gears herself up to begin writing.

She thinks of Chaewon, she always does. Most of her songs are written for her and that wasn't going to change anytime soon.

Yunjin thinks of Chaewon and thinks of the sun — she loved truly, passionately, and infinitely. And like a moth to a flame, she's drawn closer.

Too close and she catches fire.

Yunjin pens down the lyrics, hands pressing a little too intensely onto the pages of her notebook.

Wings made of wax

Love made of fire.

You loved too much

And I talked too little

We flew too high

Now we're falling too fast

Yunjin looks at words she's written, eyes already stinging with the threat of tears that she takes her gaze away from the paper almost immediately and looks out the window instead.

The big city is still alive with the sounds of cars and the light of the buildings outside.

Yunjin lets out a sigh as she reaches over and raises her can of beer to the space in front of her, a melancholic smile graces her face.

"Happy birthday, Chaechae."

She wonders what Chaewon is doing and if she's doing okay.

--

She finishes the song at one in the morning and shows it to Sakura later that day.

Sakura grins widely when Yunjin comes up to her and tells her she's written something but her heart hurts for her when she realizes what story the song was telling.

--

The band builds the instrumentals together over cups of coffee in the middle of the day or cans of beer during the wee hours of the night, spending time just drowning in music and actually enjoying the song making process for the first time in years.

They finish the first demo of the song on the afternoon of the 31st of December and lets Yujin listen to it before sending it to their producer, thinking it's a good idea to release a single after months of inactivity.

Their producer sets a schedule for the recording. The day after the New Year arrives, they resign themselves into the studio, excited to start recording the song.

LE SSERAFIM releases the song as a surprise on January 5th.

--

The song fuels the breakup rumors surrounding Chaewon and Yunjin but Yunjin pays no mind to it and Chaewon — well, Chaewon's doing a truly terrific job hiding from everyone to give a response.

Some people believe the rumors, some people don't.

Everything that happened between Chaewon and Yunjin remains in ambiguity.

The song becomes a hit either way.

--

Chaewon gets a notification on Twitter at midnight at January 5th.

Her heart almost leaps out of her chest when she sees the news of Le Sserafim releasing a song.

Icarus, lyrics by Huh Yunjin.

It's pathetic how it only took one song to destroy the protective castle walls she's been hiding behind the past several months.

She plays the song on repeat, sobbing into her comforter as she listens to the words written by the woman she's loved for years.

Her heart breaks over and over and over.

--

Now

Yunjin wakes up at nine in the morning feeling like there's a pit inside her stomach.

She's supposed to meet up with the lawyer and Chaewon in an hour and a half but her body feels heavy and she doesn't want to move. She's feeling so many things all at once — nervousness, hurt, sadness, regret — but she fights the urge to lay down and hide away and gets off her bed, forcing herself to take a bath and get dressed.

Her bandmates are still in their rooms, obviously tired from the previous night, so Yunjin decides not to cause a ruckus in the kitchen and just grabs a tuna wrap and a bottle of Prime from their fridge to eat on her way to the law firm.

She's not in the proper headspace to drive, she's too distracted by the heaviness inside her chest, her knees are constantly threatening to wobble and shake. She decides to book a cab and forces herself to eat the tuna wrap as she tries not to think of how much she's going to lose in just a few minutes on her way over.

Yunjin arrives at the building and dismisses the people who approach her, stare at her, or whisper about her as she makes her way to the empty conference room. She opens her Gatorade as the door shuts behind her.

She takes in the interior of the room; there's a large table in the center, ten wooden seats around it and a singular window at the end of it all. The light from the window reflects off of the varnished wood of the table and dust motes float with the sunlight that's drifting in.

Her heart almost stops when she sees Chaewon sitting in a chair with its back against the wall, elbows placed on the armrests as she stares at the wall in front of her. Chaewon steps out of her daze at Yunjin's sudden appearance.

They end up staring at each other because there's so much to be said but Chaewon remembers everything Yunjin had told her yesterday so just presses her lips together and keeps mum before taking her eyes off of Yunjin. Yunjin sighs inaudibly as she sits next to her, taking a swig of her drink in a desperate attempt to keep her mouth busy, to prevent it from leaking out any kind of words or apologies, to stop herself from falling apart and beg, because Chaewon looks like she doesn't want to hear any of it.

--

"Good morning," the lawyer says as he walks in. "I'm glad that you're both here."

"Morning," Chaewon mutters low enough to prevent the lawyer from hearing her but still loud and audible enough for Yunjin to catch.

"Alright," he says, standing at the head of the table, hands clasped in front of him. "I get that this process is emotionally difficult considering the duration of your relationship and the history between the two of you and that there are a lot of other factors surrounding this case, but I assure you both that I will see to it that this process goes smoothly as we move forward." The attorney fixes both of them with a look as he tries to assure them.

"All you need are our signatures, right?" Chaewon asks, raising her voice enough for him to hear. "After this I don't have to be present during the proceedings?"

The attorney nods. "Yes. As long as it's uncontested, you're free to excuse yourself from the trials."

Chaewon nods while Yunjin remains frozen in her seat.

"I have the new set of papers for you both to sign." he adds, shooting the both of them a look. "Do you want to sign them already or... do you still want a moment alone to talk?"

Chaewon is about to decline, not wanting to prolong this any longer because she's scared she'll crumble and all the courage she's mustered up the night before disintegrates completely, but Yunjin speaks up before she can even get one word out.

"Can you leave us alone for a bit...?" Yunjin asks, there's a hint of hesitation in her voice and a lot of fear.

Chaewon knits her brows together, jaw clenching at the thought of staying inside this room longer than she should — the impending heartbreak is just too suffocating.

"I'll leave you two to it." Their lawyer nods curtly, excusing himself before shutting the door behind him.

Yunjin and Chaewon stare at the papers in front of them.

Just their signatures left.

A few scribbles on paper and their six-year relationship is done.

A few lines on paper and Chaewon's going to go back to a life without Yunjin, she's going to live on while carrying so much of Yunjin with her — what is she going to do with the knowledge about Yunjin's favorite food, what is she going to with the image of Yunjin sleeping soundly as she settles inside Chaewon's embrace, what is she going to do with the memory of flower rings, promises under the rain, and vows for the future?

Chaewon finally found the strength to force herself to sign those god damn papers, to do one last thing that would make Yunjin happy, so why the hell is Yunjin prolonging this?

"What's this about?" she questions, voice sharper than she'd intended.

They don't look at each other, Chaewon never thought that they day where seeing the other's face is just too much would ever come but here they fucking are.

Yunjin bites the inside of her cheek, her eyes sting, her throat is dry, and her tongue feels like lead inside her mouth.

"Chaewon." Yunjin manages to choke out. "I'm sorry."

Chaewon makes the mistake of letting her eyes drift over to Yunjin whose eyes are heavy, and whose lips are pressed together as if it's the only thing holding back tears right now.

Chaewon doesn't know why but that does her in, the sight of Yunjin with misty eyes and that one fucking apology is what kills what little courage she has left.

She looks away a little too late because the dam breaks and Chaewon's cheeks shine with tears.

"You don't need to apologize," she replies, fighting back the sob idling in her chest.

"I do." Yunjin argues. "I'm sorry. For what I said last night, for all the shit I put you through. It's not enough but I really am sorry."

The raven haired girl surrenders first and turns to face Chaewon head on. She's crying now, chest rising and falling quickly as she does.

"I didn't mean it, all the terrible things I said last night, none of them are true." Yunjin breathes out. "You weren't seeing what you wanted to see, you were seeing what I truly wanted to do. I'm full of shit lately but believe me when I say I don't want this — this divorce."

"Fuck you, Yunjin." Chaewon replies, gritting her teeth as she looks away. She's been playing it cool the entire morning, living off of trivial moments like getting past the door and forcing herself to step foot inside the conference room. She's been doing fine because of those victories but Yunjin just had to fucking open her mouth and complicate things even more.

Her anger and frustration get the best of her.

"You're so fucking confusing." Chaewon hisses, her voice shakes with frustration and exhaustion. "I'm already signing the papers. What else do you fucking want from me?"

She fights the urge to get up and leave.

The silence looms over, it's so deafening that not even the sound of the air-conditioner in the far corner of the room could compete with it.

Chaewon's about to grab the papers and sign them to get things over with but she stops when she hears Yunjin exhale loudly. Chaewon sits and waits for the worst.

"Last night when you asked me to fix things together, I wanted to say yes." Yunjin replies, voice breaking in the admission. "I wanted to say yes so bad."

Chaewon blinks, she stares at the table, deluding herself that the furnishing on the wood is interesting to stop her chest from tearing itself open.

"Why...?" Chaewon asks, genuinely confused.

You and your mixed signals, Yunjin.

Yunjin doesn't answer, Kazuha's words repeating themselves in her mind as the seconds pass.

Tell her before it's too late.

A dark cloud hovers over them, the silence blends with their sobbing and sits inside the room as it thrives off of their pain.

It hurts, Chaewon thinks. No one has ever had this much power to hurt her like this.

She finally dares to look Yunjin in the eye.

"Yunjin," she says, the name she used to love saying now tastes like venom and tears on her tongue.

They're both tear-streaked, eyes filled with pain and regret and all the unsaid things they've kept locked in.

"Yunjin... do you still love me?" Chaewon asks helplessly, because she's tired and desperate and the last shred of dignity and courage she had is turned to dust. "Because I still do. I love you, Yunjin. Despite everything, I just can't seem to stop and I don't think I ever will."

Her fingers clutch the fabric of her jeans as she waits for any kind of response.

"Yunjin," she whispers, she doesn't fight the sobs anymore.

"Two years." Yunjin finally speaks, her voice breaks the same way her heart does. She buries her face in her hands as she sobs. "You were gone for two years and I spent most of it trying to get over you and spent the rest trying to convince myself and everyone else that I finally was."

She bites her lip hard, only letting up when she tastes blood.

"Two years, Chaewon. Two years and I couldn't do it. I get that I don't have the right to feel this way because I was the one who fucked everything up by asking for a divorce but I couldn't do it." Yunjin cries, wiping her tears away in vain because they spill and they spill.

Chaewon listens to her, gives her a chance to speak.

"I love you." Yunjin looks up and confesses miserably, eyes wet and honest. It took her two years so say it out loud, it took two years for Chaewon to hear it again.

It's painful and Chaewon feels like she's being torn apart over and over. She wishes she could go back in time, when hearing the words 'I love you' didn't make her feel like she's getting her limbs pulled apart.

"I love you, Chaewon." Yunjin repeats. "I do, of course I do. I never stopped. I couldn't fucking do it. It wasn't even an option."

Chaewon wishes things would stop hurting.

"Why are we here sitting around and waiting to sign our divorce papers then?" Chaewon asks weakly, she somehow finds the courage to take Yunjin's hands into hers.

"Please, tell me the truth, Jen. Please let me in."

Yunjin falls apart completely then.

"Because I'm scared." Yunjin sobs. "I want to fix this marriage but I'm fucking terrified. I don't want you to leave, I want to fix everything but I'm scared of the fact that I'm still not okay and I might end up hurting you again and push you to leave again."

She holds onto Chaewon's hand, desperate for her warmth, for the feeling of safety.

"Do you get me?" Yunjin asks her desperately. "I want to fix this, Chaewon but I'm afraid I'm not okay enough to do it. I want to come back to you when I'm whole again. And that's going to take such a long time and it's going to hurt. I don't want to hurt you more than I already have."

The truth burns, it sings Chaewon's skin and she feels like she's been lit on fire.

Yunjin looks at her in the eye, desperate as she continues. "I want to fix this, I want to be with you but I want to do it when I'm better, when we're both better."

Chaewon's chest feels heavy and her lungs feel like they're about to burst. She wonders how much a heart can shatter before it's completely gone. It hurts, hearing the truth roll off of Yunjin's tongue it hurts so much.

But she understands, she always does.

They aren't twenty anymore, life isn't kind to people and love isn't enough to save everything. They're twenty seven and sometimes loving means letting go, sometimes people need to fall apart to become better versions of themselves. They're twenty seven and they still need to grow even if it means doing it alone. They're twenty seven and Chaewon finally understands that they need to stay apart to heal.

"You're right." Chaewon murmurs gently, the tears aren't letting up anytime soon. "You're right, Jen."

"I'm so sorry."

"It's okay."

"I'm sorry for refusing to talk about this, for hurting you and breaking your heart over and over again. And I know it's selfish of me but I don't want to end this — our marriage. I just want to give ourselves a chance to heal first."

Chaewon nods, the pain dulls inside her, the fire and the ache of the past two years slowly chip away as they finally, finally land on the same page.

With tears still streaming down her face, Yunjin pleads, "You can do anything you think is best to help yourself heal but please, don't leave me without telling me again, Chaechae."

Chaewon nods gently, pulling one hand away from Yunjin's and resting it on her face as she runs her thumb underneath Yunjin's eyes. "I won't. I promise."

Yunjin lifts Chaewon's hand that's been holding hers and places it on her chest, right where her heart beats and pounds, this is where I kept yours before. Chaewon allows herself to feel Yunjin's heart beat steadily, it calms her and it puts her broken pieces slowly back together little by little, it tells her 'you're home, Chaewon, you're finally home'.

"I'm going to get better, Chaechae." Yunjin promises. "Not just for you, but I know I owe it to myself too even if it'll be a painful process and I might fuck up."

Chaewon thinks back to their wedding — they aren't the girls they used to be anymore, they aren't two twenty-four year olds who thought love was enough to conquer everything. They're different people, broken and torn apart by time and their mistakes.

She smiles to the best of her ability before drawing closer and pressing a soft kiss on Yunjin's lips. Yunjin gives in and kisses her back, allowing herself to melt into her touch and she forgets everything else that scared her for years.

"I promise to love you even then," she whispers against her lips.

Yunjin nods, cheeks still wet. "I promise to love you even then."

She's scared, they both are in some ways, and it would take a long time to find their way back to themselves but they're both glad that at least there's one thing that never seemed to have changed.

--

Then

"What are you gonna do when she comes back?" Sakura asks over a bottle of wine, they're on the balcony, braving the evening breeze as they sit side by side.

They're alone; Kazuha's spending the weekend at her parents' house, Eunchae's out to meet someone 'very important', and Yujin — well, Yujin's on a 'not-date' with Wonyoung.

"If she comes back." Yunjin replies, taking a sip of her drink.

"It's Chaewon, Jen." Sakura tells her, scoffing. "I honestly think she's going to come back."

"I have a plan, Kkura. I have a plan to avoid her for the rest of my life."

Sakura rolls her eyes. "You also had a plan that involved divorcing her and leaving all of us behind and it bit you right back in the ass."

"It's still a plan." Yunjin counters weakly, the truth stung.

"It is. But you know, sometimes the universe just doesn't give a shit, Jen."

"I'll get over her." Yunjin breathes out. "I'll stop loving her eventually."

It's more of a wish than a statement of truth.

"You know what you should do?" Sakura asks before drinking out of her glass, relishing the taste for a moment.

"What?"

"You should stop lying to yourself."

--

Now

"What's next?" Chaewon wonders loudly, staring at the ceiling of her hotel room. Yunjin lying on the bed with her, hands clasped together on her stomach.

It's been hours since they left the lawyer's office, overcoming the dread and embarrassment of telling him that they are not pushing through with the divorce and apologizing profusely for the inconvenience.

Their phones haven't stopped ringing since that morning, probably asking for updates and checking in on the two of them but the calls and messages remain unanswered since they both agreed to turn them off for a while.

"Hm?"

"What's next for the great Huh Yunjin?" Chaewon says with verve.

Yunjin lets out a chuckle. "I don't know. I think I'm gonna stay here and take a break — a proper one. You?"

Chaewon hums in thought, mind exploring the possibilities. It goes quiet for a moment, but the silence doesn't hurt, it doesn't consume, not anymore.

Instead, it sits and it calms them both.

"I think I'm going to go back to Japan." Chaewon says finally.

"Pfft." Yunjin teases. "That's where you stayed before, right?"

There's no bite to her statement, no bitterness. Chaewon's thankful for that.

"Yeah. I have a lot of stuff I left there so I'm going back there."

Yunjin raises an eyebrow. "That's it? You're going back there to get your stuff back?"

"I think I'm gonna stay there for a while too." Chaewon murmurs.

That was her plan anyway, if the divorce had pushed through, she planned to go back to Japan and stay there for good. But of course, things are different now, she's going back to Japan to recuperate minus the emotional tension she carried with her when she left the first time. She's going back to Japan without the fear of getting pushed away by the person she loves when she comes home. She's going back to Japan with the assurance that Yunjin would still love her when she finally decides to come home.

Yunjin nods. "How long will you be gone?"

"I don't know, Jen." Chaewon answers honestly, shifting to her side to face her. "I just need you to let me go one last time."

Yunjin turns to look at her and gives her a soft smile, her eyes are tender and it makes Chaewon feel lightheaded. "It's okay."

Chaewon rests a hand on Yunjin's cheek, the latter leans into the touch.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah." Yunjin answers. "At least you told me this time."

Chaewon giggles. "You little shit."

Yunjin breaks into a full on grin.

"Promise me you'll be back?"

"I promise."

"I'll wait for you, no matter how long you might take."

"Okay."

"Okay?"

"Okay."

They spend the night wrapped in each other's arms, settling into each other's warmth and comfort.

---

We're only getting older baby

And I've been thinking about it lately

Does it ever drive you crazy

Just how fast the night changes