Now
Her vision's blurry, and her mind is in a haze, Chaewon lets her feet take her outside. She momentarily forgets that she left Minjeong at the club because at that moment, all she could think of was Yunjin.
Yunjin.
She shakes her head, trying to get rid of the image of the girl in the arms of another person but it was no use. The vision remains stuck in her brain, like wine spilled on an otherwise clean white cloth, bloodstain on the floor, mold in the ceiling; it stays there as Chaewon stumbles blindly on the sidewalk.
Yunjin.
She desperately tries not to fall over and cause a scene, people still knew who she was and they would eat her like buzzards feasting on a rotting corpse if they saw her like this. She needed to get out of there, out of the open, and inside somewhere safe.
Chaewon ends up in an emptier part of the district, with only a few people seated on chairs and drinking 'til their heart's content outside a chain of convenience stores and small karaoke bars. Chaewon hears the echo of their laughter in the empty street, and thinks about the sound of Yunjin's laughter, she wonders if the guy she was with makes her laugh like that, like the way Chaewon used to.
The thought breaks her even more.
Yunjin was beautiful, famous, and rich. Not only that, she was also kind, warm, and funny, and she cooks good food. She would have no problem looking for and finding someone else, especially when she has the entire world at her feet. Yunjin finding someone else wasn't implausible, Chaewon knows it's always been a possibility. All the years she was gone, she was haunted by the thought of coming back and finding out that Yunjin had found someone else. And seeing it in action minutes ago, right in front of her eyes as her mind swam in ice and whiskey, made her feel like someone had torn her to pieces.
Chaewon just wishes it were true.
She continues walking aimlessly, her heels clacking loudly against the concrete, as she stares into the road.
Seoul has been nothing but cruel to her.
Chaewon laughs despite her tears.
It has been her home for years but ever since she came back, it feels like it was pushing her out, wanting her to leave and stay gone. All the signs of the universe point to the airport and a one way ticket back to Japan. Maybe it's the glasses of alcohol finally catching up to her but she's beginning to agree with the universe.
She laughs again, thinking that maybe she should just sign the god damn divorce papers and leave, that maybe she should just hop on a plane first thing in the morning and never look back this time around. A few bystanders look at her weirdly, Chaewon believes that they might think she's crazy. Not that she can blame them, she looked like she got shat out of a camel's ass; her makeup was runny, her hair was a mess, and she's laughing out loud, alone and with tears in her eyes. The image of her looking like a crazy woman out on the streets makes her bellow in laughter even more. Her guffaws die down quickly when she hears footsteps behind her. Chaewon immediately tenses up and she begins walking faster, her fingers tightening their grip on her purse as she prepares to hit whoever it was if they try something funny. Whoever it was behind her seems to notice her picking up her pace and begins to do so as well.
"Fuck," she mutters, cursing herself and her poor decision making skills. This was the last thing she needed. Chaewon breaks into a sprint.
"Chaewon!" the person calls her, loud enough for her to hear, "Fuck. Stop running."
She slows to a stop. She knows that voice all too well. For a split second, she wants to run away and not look back, she wants not to care.
But she was Chaewon and she was weak when it comes to —
"Jen," she says with a giggle as she turns around and looks at her, not caring if Yunjin could see her tear streaked face. She stares back at the girl in front of her, trying to refocus her vision, but Chaewon's head was spinning, and she begins to hate that she wore heels because she feels like she's going to fall any second.
The other girl sighs in relief. "Since when were you able to run fast?" Yunjin asks with a lopsided smile.
'Why are you here?' she wants to ask but she just giggles again, "I get fast when I get drunk, Jen!"
"No. You get even more affectionate when you're drunk, Chae." Yunjin retorts with a soft chuckle and Chaewon feels like she's twenty years old again, falling in love for the first time with a girl who reminds her of summer when she smiles.
Why aren't you back at the club with him?
"It's true!" Chaewon argues, a small pout forming on her lips, "I can run again if you want!"
She is intoxicated and she's gotten good at lying.
Yunjin laughs again, "Stop. You're drunk. I don't think you should be alone." She smiles at Chaewon and stretches out a hand, "Let's get you out of here, okay?"
Chaewon takes Yunjin's hand, feeling a familiar warmth enveloping her when their fingers intertwine.
They still fit. After all this time, Yunjin's touch still feels like home. Chaewon stares at her and wants to do nothing else but kiss her, tell her she loves her, and beg her to take her back.
But Chaewon smells the stench of alcohol on both their clothes, in their breaths, and she realizes that she's twenty-seven, damaged almost beyond repair but still in love with the girl who's broken her heart so many times. And she remembers the scene in the club earlier, she remembers Yunjin in some stranger's arms.
Why are you here, Yunjin? Why aren't you with that guy?
Chaewon feels a sudden surge of anger sweep across her chest, she wonders how Yunjin could stand there, smiling and laughing with her like they were fine, like Chaewon didn't have mascara and eyeliner streaming down her face.
Her face twists in irritation as she pulls her hand out from Yunjin's grasp. The latter's eyes widen, and her smile disappears, caught off guard by Chaewon's sudden movement.
"No," she spits out, tone sharper than she intended, "I'm not going anywhere with you. What do you want?"
She was allowed to be angry, Yunjin's been nothing but cruel as well.
"I saw you in the club. I, uh, wasn't sure if it really was you but when I got a good look, you ran out," she replies, cheeks red and looking almost sheepish against the glow of the street lamp.
Chaewon wants to vomit.
"And? You wanted me to say hi or something?" Chaewon glowers, eyebrows raised and lips pulled into a thin line.
"No, uh, I —"
"Cut the crap, Huh. What do you want?" she asks again, harsher.
Chaewon wants to get out of there.
"Chaewon, I just wanted to tell you tha—"
Chaewon feels the bile rise up her throat and rushes to the side of the sidewalk before she hurls.
Yunjin breathes out, "I really should take you home."
She reaches inside her bag and fishes out a wet wipe and walks over to where Chaewon was.
"You're drunk," she says softly as she hands the wipe over to her.
"So are you," Chaewon replies, taking it and wiping her mouth with it, anger briefly dissipating.
"Not anymore." Yunjin looks at her; Chaewon looked like a mess, dark streaks on her cheeks, lipstick almost gone. Yunjin was dizzy, her vision's beginning to double but she remained upright, her sense of responsibility and her concern for Chaewon plus the gnawing guilt from earlier outweighing her drunken state. So she sighs and extends her hand out again to the girl in front of her, "Let's go home."
Chaewon gaped at Yunjin's hand, unable to process what the other girl had just said.
Let's go home.
It's been years.
Yunjin.
She feels like she could cry.
Chaewon wants her warmth, wants her love. So she breaks and takes her hand.
Yunjin can be cruel, but she is Chaewon's home.
--
"Zuha, please don't forget to bring Wonyoung's hoodie."
The band's penthouse wasn't empty for the time being thanks to Kazuha going back there to rest and freshen up before spending her night at Wonyoung and Yujin's apartment. She had just finished taking a shower and she was in the process of getting dressed when her phone rang just a few minutes ago.
"Yeah, yeah. You already told me that even before I left." Kazuha replies with a huff, trying to put a fresh pair of sweatpants on while balancing her phone between her left ear and shoulder.
"Well hurry up and get your ass back here," Yujin whines, Kazuha hears Sakura yell 'Don't listen to her, she's just gonna rope you into stuffing more gift bags' in the background followed by Eunchae's laughter.
"On second thought, I'm just gonna stay here instead. I'm kind of not in the mood to stuff goodies into bags. My hands are tired." Kazuha says lightheartedly, grinning from ear to ear when she hears Yujin booing her loudly and her other bandmate's cackling.
"You just love making me suffer, Nakamura Kazuha."
"That's what friends are for, grand —" Kazuha's momentarily cut off by the sound of the front door opening. She turns her attention back to the conversation she's having with Yujin when she dismisses the sound, figuring that it was probably just her best friend, "— look, I'm on my way. See you later."
"Hurry up."
"Yeah yeah."
"Wonyoung's hoodie!" Yujin interjects.
"I'm hanging up!" Kazuha retorts, smiling to herself when she hears her friends' laughter again before ending the call. A loud thud coming from the direction of Yunjin's room makes her get up and rush to her immediately.
"Jen? What's wro — what the fuck?" she asks in disbelief, stopping at the doorway to stare and process what she was seeing in front of her.
Yunjin's bathroom door was open wide and Yunjin was in clear view, sitting on the edge of the bathtub, looking flushed and drunk. Kazuha sees blonde hair bent over the toilet bowl and her face twists in disgust when she hears retching sounds and a splatter of liquid against water and porcelain.
"Hey. Sorry. Chaewon was about to, uh, puke again and she was rushing to go inside. Didn't mean to scare you." Yunjin says ruefully, an apologetic smile making its way to her lips.
Kazuha rolls her eyes, "I thought you fell over or something." She sighs and walks over to her friends, "Did you guys go out drinking? Without me? I'm offended."
Chaewon groans, reaching over to flush her puke down the drain.
"No. Not together, uh, I just happened to see her there." Yunjin says, tripping over her words ever so slightly. Kazuha eyes her suspiciously, Yunjin immediately defends herself, "I'm telling the truth."
"This is just like when we were in uni," she exclaims, shaking her head, "Jesus. Exactly how much did you guys drink?" The three of them are now crowding the bathroom. Chaewon stands up and sluggishly makes her way to the sink to wash her hand and face. Yunjin reaches over the towel rack and hands Chaewon a towel after she finishes washing up. The latter takes it from her gratefully and begins to dry her face with it as she sits on the now closed toilet.
Kazuha leans sideways on the doorway, crossing her arms as she looks on, mildly amused at how domestic the two were acting.
"A lot. But I can handle my alcohol." Yunjin replies with a smug smile on her face.
"You're right. It's this asshole we're supposed to be worrying about." Kazuha nods and motions to Chaewon who's covering her face with her palms.
"I'm right here, you know." Chaewon groans, shivering slightly, "And for your information I just drank five cocktails... maybe more, I don't know, I lost count."
Kazuha laughs loudly, "God. You're such a lightweight, Kim."
Yunjin joins in and chuckles, "Remember when she got drunk after three cups of those spiked punches at Dayeon's party?"
"Oh, of course I do. She kept trying to kiss us and at the same time drunkenly introducing you as your fiancée, you guys weren't even engaged yet." Kazuha recalls, still laughing.
"Wife," Chaewon mumbles, a small smile forming on her face, "I used to tell everyone she was my wife."
The room falls quiet as their laughter slowly dies down. Chaewon looks at the tiled floor, realizing what she had just said. It wasn't funny, it was a distant memory she's sure Yunjin just wants to forget.
Yunjin averts her eyes, picking off invisible lint from her shirt. The three of them grow still, letting the silence stir.
After a moment, Kazuha clears her throat, "Yeah. Well, um, I'm going to Yujin and Wonyoung's apartment. We're packing gift bags for tomorrow, I'd ask you guys to come with me but —" she takes a look at her friends again, "you guys don't look like you can last the night."
Yunjin lets out a laugh as Chaewon looks up and shoos her friend, "Shut up and leave, Nakamura Kazuha."
Kazuha scoffs, "Oh wow, I just got here and you're making me leave?" she shakes her head as she pretends to be disappointed in Chaewon's behavior, "You work fast, Kim."
"Oh, if someone here knows how to work fast, it's Yunjin. You should have seen her in action tonight." Chaewon says casually, as if just thinking about it didn't hurt her.
Yunjin sighs, "Really, Chaewon. Wow."
She feels Yunjin's stare bore into her but Chaewon refuses to meet her eyes.
Kazuha just looks at them in confusion, "Did something else happen?"
"No." Yunjin replies, too quick, too dismissive. Chaewon lets out a frustrated breath.
"Ohh-kay." Kazuha replies, she takes Yunjin's dismissive tone as a yes and she decides that there really is something that must be done with the two of her friends but she lets them have this first, "I'm gonna go. I'll see you two tomorrow."
Kazuha gently pats the top of Chaewon's head and gives Yunjin a small smile before she leaves. The two of them watch Kazuha disappear as she closes the door behind her.
They sit in silence inside the bathroom. It was not the comfortable kind, it was not the kind they used to have on peaceful nights before everything went wrong. It was nauseating and suffocating, Yunjin hates confrontations of any kind but she knows it bothered Chaewon so she doesn't hold it against her when the latter decides to break it.
"I'm sorry. That was mean and really low of me." Chaewon tells her, sighing in resignation but still refusing to look her in the eye.
"Chaewon." Yunjin begins, keeping her gaze on her.
Chaewon's unable to withstand the feeling of having Yunjin stare at her, the way Yunjin's voice sounded; it was all it took anyway, so she relents, "Who was the guy?"
Yunjin hears her voice laced with jealousy and despondency.
Chaewon feels pathetic.
Yunjin is done with her, they are still married on paper but it isn't that long until that's over, and Chaewon knows she's lost all the rights to even ask Yunjin what she's doing and who she's doing it with ever since Yunjin asked for a divorce.
"No one," Yunjin replies, "He was just some guy who wanted to buy me a drink thinking he had a chance with me.
"Oh."
"Yeah. I could never do that to you, Chaewon." Yunjin tells her, Chaewon listens in and waits for one tiny slip up, for some indication that that meant Yunjin still loves her. She waits for one small crack of hope, all she hears is Yunjin's quiet voice.
"We're still married." Yunjin adds quietly. I still love you, she finds herself wanting to say.
Is that it? "Not for long, right?" Chaewon asks, hating how pathetic and broken she sounded.
"Right..." Yunjin says, trailing off, her previous thought dying before it could even escape from her lips. "I'm kind of dizzy," she murmurs, changing the topic.
"How much did you drink?" Chaewon replies with a chuckle, taking the bait.
"I actually don't know. I might be drunk. Not as drunk as you though," she says proudly, an obnoxious smile on her face.
"Ugh. Shut up. I'm not gonna puke again."
Yunjin laughs, getting off the tub, "I'm not risking that."
"You're annoying!" Chaewon whines while Yunjin washes her hands, "I'm really not going to puke again."
"Still not risking anything." Yunjin retorts, teasing and playful, "We should go to bed, it's already pretty late."
Chaewon nods, getting to her feet, "Yeah. I kinda want to change out of these clothes though but I didn't bring any extra clothes," she looks at Yunjin pointedly, "not like I knew I was going to sleep here."
Yunjin rolls her eyes, "Wow. That's a great roundabout way of saying you want to wear my clothes."
Chaewon grins, "You know me so well."
They were treading on dangerous territory, but the familiarity, the comfort, is just too strong for them to resist.
"I swear to god, Chaewon," she says with a shake of her head. Chaewon laughs, watching her leave the bathroom. When Yunjin disappears completely, Chaewon walks over to the sink and rinses her mouth. She steps out to the bedroom and sees Yunjin rummaging through her closet for a shirt.
"Where are my free clothes?" She singsongs gleefully. It's the alcohol, she argues with herself, it's not the longing at all. Yunjin turns around and hands her a plain white shirt, "Here you go, your highness."
Chaewon takes it, still smiling. Yunjin doesn't respond, momentarily stunned by how pretty Chaewon looks when she smiles. The vision used to be nothing but a memory, something Yunjin dreams about at night, something she thinks about when she's lonely, when she's missing her. Seeing it now made her feel like a blind man seeing color for the first time, like a child tasting ice cream for the first time.
"You can change here while I wash up," she says stiffly, blinking herself out of the trance before rushing back to the bathroom. Chaewon remains standing beside the closet, confused.
--
Inside the bathroom, Yunjin runs the sink and washes her face. She looks at her reflection in the mirror and slaps herself.
"Yunjin, you are not weak. You are getting divorced, not reconciling," she warns herself. Chaewon is dangerous and Yunjin is fragile, weak. All Chaewon would do is smile and she'll find herself slipping. Yunjin hasn't given in yet, hasn't completely broken down all the walls she's put up in Chaewon's absence, but she's getting there. When they first met, Chaewon smashed every reservation she didn't even know she had, learned to climb over those walls, and built a home inside her heart. She was doing the very same thing now, and Yunjin was scared she might crack.
She rinses her mouth with mouthwash and dries her face after. She takes a deep breath before twisting the knob open and stepping inside the bedroom. Yunjin sees Chaewon sitting on the white plush carpet, scrolling through her phone, and her head leaning sideways on the mattress. She looks up when she notices Yunjin.
"Hey."
"Hey," Yunjin greets back, hesitantly walking over to her bed, "what are you doing on the floor?"
Chaewon watches Yunjin sit, "Um. I was waiting for you. I didn't know where to sit."
"Is this your first time sleeping over at a girl's house?" Yunjin scoffs, "You lived here."
"Yeah. I did. Not anymore."
"Whatever," Yunjin dismisses, kicking her feet up and making herself comfortable on the bed, "we have no extra rooms, you know that. I blame our past selves for choosing to room together instead of getting separate rooms, so you're gonna have to sleep with... me. I guess."
Chaewon bites her lip and tries not to laugh, "Easy there, Huh. I'm not an easy girl, you know."
"Shut up. I'm begging you." Yunjin groans, covering herself with her comforter. Chaewon's laughter bounces off the walls and Yunjin slips and slips and slips. "I take it back. You sleep on the floor."
"What's that? I can't hear you over the sound of me dropping onto the mattress," Chaewon says airily as she plops down the other side of the bed.
Yunjin pulls down the covers and stares at the ceiling, "You're obnoxious."
"And adorable."
"I can't stand you."
"Pretty bold statement for someone who was in love with me for five years."
"Six," Yunjin says softly, "I was in love with you for six years."
"Oh. Yeah." Chaewon replies stiffly, the word was hitting her a little too hard.
Silence falls between them again, they both stare at the ceiling, unmoving, both scared and hesitant to close the distance separating them.
Yunjin slept alone for so long that having someone else on the bed feels so foreign, not to mention it was Chaewon beside her. She stays still, the softness of the mattress and hearing her breathe beside her reminds her of all the nights they spent together on this bed; fucking, sleeping, cuddling, playing dumb games, or talking about music, and food, and all the soulmate bullshit they used to believe in.
"Maybe I knew you in a past life or something." Yunjin tells her, rubbing Chaewon's back mindlessly.
"Hm. I think I knew you in all of mine, not just one." Chaewon replies wistfully, pulling Yunjin closer.
"Whatever the case is, I still think it's both hilarious and amazing that we were at the same airport on the same day." Yunjin says with a soft chuckle.
"Me too. But if I'd met you back then, maybe things would be a little different you know? I could have loved you longer."
"Well, I'm yours forever. What's the rush?"
She remembers lying in bed together that night with Chaewon in her arms wanting nothing to change. She was naïve and unsuspecting of the impending destruction that was about to come just a couple of years down the road.
They both were.
Yunjin begins to feel suffocated, stomach rumbling with something that isn't hunger. She shifts and lies on her left side and hugs a pillow tight, desperate for something that would help her stop falling completely for Chaewon all over again, for something that would help her not let go of what little amount of self-control she has left.
"Good night, Yunjin." Chaewon murmurs, lying still, eyes on the ceiling, blinking slowly as she waits for sleep to take her.
I love you.
"Good night, Chaewon." Yunjin replies, shutting her eyes.
I love you too.
Chaewon swears she could hear Yunjin sobbing softly against the pillow but she argues to herself, it's just the alcohol.
--
Then
It was another cancelled gig.
Yujin was sick again and this time, she could barely get a word out of her mouth without her throat itching and scratching. So they all tagged Sakura in as a substitute again, the crowd loved her and so did the manager. Kazuha decided to watch the girl perform as a sign of support and gratitude for covering their schedule. Chaewon and Yunjin on the other hand, decided to spend their night in Yunjin's dorm room to rest.
"I kind of miss playing." Chaewon mumbles, staring at the ceiling while beside her, Yunjin busies herself with a game she just downloaded on her phone.
"Hm?"
"I said, I miss playing at Impurities. I miss the crowd there, and the free food." Chaewon repeats with a groan.
Yunjin puts her phone on her bedside table, and looks at Chaewon, "Play for me."
"You want me to play for you?" she replies seriously, "My talent fee's really high, you don't look like you can afford it," the quirking of her lips betraying her tone.
Yunjin giggles, "You're full of it."
"Full of looove, you mean." Chaewon counters, planting a loud obnoxious kiss on Yunjin's cheek before sitting up and reaching over for her guitar. Yunjin watches her with a smile, trying to ignore how her heart speeds up every time Chaewon kisses her.
"Can I just pay you with kisses or something?" Yunjin asks, placing her chin on her palm.
Chaewon shakes her head, "Sorry, kisses aren't acceptable."
"Yes they are, they were when I bought you dinner last night."
"Semantics."
Yunjin rolls her eyes making Chaewon break into a grin. She positions the guitar on her lap and holds it in place, "I wrote a song for you, by the way."
"Really?" Yunjin asks, amused and expectant.
"Yep. You wrote the best song in existence for me, I think it's only fair that I tried to write you one as well," she says softly.
Yunjin feels warmth shroud around her as she stares at Chaewon who had a dumb goofy grin on her face, she takes a snapshot of it in her head and locks it away inside her heart for safekeeping.
"Well, good luck topping my song." Yunjin tells her, tone haughty and face looking smug.
"Oh, I already am topping a lot of things, Huh."
"Shut up." Yunjin says with a giggle, "Let's hear it then, Kim."
"Oh you're on." Chaewon says, getting ready to play but she gets distracted by Yunjin. Her girlfriend was leaning on the headboard looking smug as all hell and all Chaewon could think of was tackling her into a hug and kissing her. She gapes, mouth slightly hung open.
"I don't hear any singing," Yunjin complains, cupping a hand on the shell of her ear as if she was waiting to hear something.
"Full of it." Chaewon replies with an eyeroll.
"Full of loooove, right?" Yunjin retorts, snorting as she crosses her arms.
"I hate you." Chaewon says scowling, lips in a pout.
"No, you don't."
"No, I don't." Chaewon relents immediately. Her hating Yunjin was utter bullshit, and she can't even imagine it. Nothing could ever make her hate Yunjin.
Yunjin grins, "Let me hear it now?"
Chaewon clears her throat and gets into a much more comfortable position which involves having her left leg folded on the mattress and her right leg left dangling on the edge of the bed, "Lady, this song's called Baby because you're my baby."
Yunjin snorts, trying to hold herself together when her girlfriend shushes her.
"You know you love me. I know you care, just shout whenever and I'll be there," Chaewon sings as she strums her guitar, "You are my love, you are my heart. And we will never ever ever be apart."
Yunjin isn't able to hold her laughter in anymore so she erupts into a fit of guffaws, "You're an asshole!"
Chaewon doubles over in laughter too, "I'm sorry!"
"You didn't really write me one did you?" Yunjin asks after she catches her breath.
"No," Chaewon says with a rueful smile on her face.
Yunjin smiles back, "It's okay. I could like, write you a hundred songs, and all you have to do is keep loving me."
Chaewon's heart feels full, thanking all the gods for Huh Yunjin.
"That's cheesy. You sound like you're in love with me or something."
"Do I?" Yunjin asks, playing along.
"Yeah, you do."
"Is that a problem?"
"Normally, I don't mind having beautiful ladies like you confess that they're in love with me but I'm already taken." Chaewon tells her with a shrug, tone serious.
"Oh, are you? Tell me about her?"
"She's..." the best thing that's ever happened to me, "...pretty."
Yunjin quirks up an eyebrow, "Pretty?"
Chaewon smirks and nods, "Yep. And smart, not just book smart but street smart as well. She's good with drums. She's really wise and she's a good cook —"
"The only thing she's cooked for you so far are eggs and instant ramyeon."
"—And those are the best dishes in the world." Chaewon trails off dreamily.
"Well, she sounds like a great girl."
"She is." Chaewon looks at Yunjin, gaze tracing the surface of her face, the curve of her lips, her cheekbones. Chaewon wants to give her the entire universe.
"I love you, Chaechae." Yunjin tells her, eyes soft and voice gentle. Chaewon's overwhelmed by the sheer honesty of the sentiment, she feels her eyes well up.
"That's embarrassing."
"Shut up."
"I love you too, Jen."
--
Chaewon ends up writing a song for her three days after their conversation. Yunjin sees 'Pink' on top of a stationary pad and immediately recognizes Chaewon's neat handwriting.
'One kiss and I'm already on my knees. Baby, have mercy on my soul.'
She smiles to herself and thanks all the gods for Kim Chaewon.
--
Now
"God." Yujin mumbles, thumb moving up and down her phone screen.
Just a few minutes ago, she'd decided to take a break and lounge on their couch as she scrolled through Instagram while her friends and fiancée busy themselves with chit chat and food. She saw the usual, harmless posts by the people she follows and decided to move to Twitter. Her head almost exploded when she saw Yunjin trending. Now, she's reading a bunch of tweets about her friend.
that one chaewon meme @kimdodok · 2h
ya'll are not gonna believe this but I saw THE huh yunjin at one of the bars in itaewon and holyshit she's with someone
le ssera #1 fan @jennifersdrums · 2h
OOMF YOU BETTER SPILL
that one chaewon meme @kimdodok · 2h
Replying to @jennifersdrums
she was with a guy i almost screamed sjksjdsjlsjdl
le ssera #1 fan @jennifersdrums · 2h
Replying to @kimdodok
WHAT. UR KIDDING KJFLFLKFLK;SD;LF
that one chaewon meme @kimdodok · 2h
Replying to @jennifersdrums
I'm really not sjlsjlskdlf look
Yujin sees a set of pictures attached to the tweet; it was dark, only the faint lights of the club illuminating the entire area. There was a guy in a dark jacket, his arms around a girl. The girl's face wasn't clearly seen in the first two pictures but in the shots that followed, Yujin could easily make out Yunjin's face. She sighs deeply.
LEAVE CHAEWON ALONE @chaewonsuperior · 2h
Replying to @jennifersdrums @kimdodok
wow she's really moving on. Bummer.
le ssera #1 fan @jennifersdrums · 2h
Replying to @chaewonsuperior
LMAO wdym bummer? she's allowed to!!! it's normal!
LEAVE CHAEWON ALONE @chaewonsuperior · 1h
Replying to @jennifersdrums
girl, she's still married???
LE SSERAFIM OT4 @JUSTICEforYUNJIN · 1h
Replying to @chaewonsuperior
they're DIVORCED. Stop your old ass purinz agenda
KAZUHA BEST GIRL @kazunaka69 · 1h
Replying to @JUSTICEforYUNJIN
really? then explain these
Yujin sees another set of pictures attached, this time they were pictures of Chaewon and Yunjin; holding hands, smiles on their faces, cheeks looking slightly red as they walk in the streets of Seoul like they just had a date night out in the city.
le ssera #1 fan @jennifersdrums · 1h
Replying to @kazunaka69 @JUSTICEforYUNJIN
HOLY SHLKDJFOEIGJFKLDKSL I'M FREAKING OUT OOMF WTF SJDL;JSLKDSLKD;
zuha's @zuhaonthebASS · 1h
Replying to @jennifersdrums @kazunaka69 @JUSTICEforYUNJIN
PURINZ??!!! PURINZ??!!!!!!!!?!?! I'M FREAKING OUT? I'M ABOUT TO COMBUST HAJKSJLSKDLFLDJFL
le ssera #1 fan @jennifersdrums · 1h
Replying to @zuhaonthebASS @kazunaka69
omggg after so many years ohmygod I think I'm gonna cry pls tell me they're back together pls
LE SSERAFIM OT4 @JUSTICEforYUNJIN · 1h
Replying to @jennifersdrums
Publicity
le ssera #1 fan @jennifersdrums · 1h
Replying to @JUSTICEforYUNJIN
girl, le sserafim's on a break, they don't have anything to promote.
zuha's @zuhaonthebASS · 1h
Replying to @JUSTICEforYUNJIN
we don't really know for sure but can you stop being negative? Get outta here
that one chaewon meme @kimdodok · 58m
Replying to @zuhaonthebASS
wow our jennifer works hard ajksdjsldksl
Yujin looks up from her phone, "Have you guys checked Twitter? Yunjin's with —"
"—Chaewon." Kazuha finishes her sentence as she busts inside the apartment.
"It's all over Twitter." Yunjin remarks, handing Sakura her phone, letting her see for herself.
"It is?" Kazuha asks, then she shrugs, "Figures. It's Friday, everyone's basically out partying, so they were bound to be seen somehow."
Yunjin looks at Kazuha in confusion, "You haven't checked Twitter yet? How come you knew they were together?"
"Oh, they were at the penthouse together." Kazuha says casually. Her friends whip their heads to face Kazuha, their faces showing varying levels of confusion.
"What? Are they back together?" Sakura asks her, passing the phone back to a frustrated looking Yujin, who takes it and leans on Wonyoung's shoulder. Wonyoung rubs her arm gently, immediately calming her down.
"No." Kazuha replies, dropping herself on the couch.
"Yunjin was also with some guy." Yujin tells her, lips turning down in a slight frown.
Kazuha closes her eyes, "That explains the weird moment earlier with the two of them. Something happened."
Yujin sighs, "Yunjin and I talked earlier." Everyone looks at her, waiting for her to continue, "I told her to stop messing with Chaewon if she really was done with her."
"Obviously she still isn't." Kazuha sighs.
"Well, they still love each other. It's clear as day," Wonyoung replies, "they aren't exactly subtle about it. Yunjin's clearly projecting and Chaewon's too wrapped up in guilt to even notice."
"They're too... disruptive. They're bound to implode if they keep this up." Sakura mutters, leaning back on the edge of the couch.
"They already had their backslide during the night of the concert. So, I'm pretty sure the implosion you're talking about is going to happen real soon," Yujin sighs.
"Figures." Sakura mumbles.
"Okay. I've had it. Something needs to be done." Eunchae exclaims, voice firm and resolute. The youngest hasn't really spoken a lot about the situation, but they all know she was just observing, waiting for the right time to speak her mind.
"What else can we do?" Yujin asks, desperation coloring the tone of her voice.
Kazuha laughs, "Oh please. I'm Nakamura Kazuha. I always have a plan."
Yujin rolls her eyes, "Alright. Let me call your publicist first though. I need to take care of those pictures in case more media gets a hold of them."
"You're on a break." Sakura giggles.
"If I didn't love you guys so much I would have run away with Wonyoung the moment your concert was over."
Eunchae looks at her fondly, "We really wouldn't last without you."
--
Then
Although nothing much really changes between Yujin and Wonyoung after Wonyoung kisses Yujin in front of the bar goers except for them being much more affectionate with each other, there were still more things to learn and discover about each other, like how Yujin's heart flutters every time she sees how beautiful Wonyoung looked when she falls asleep on Yujin's lap looking like Sleeping Beauty come to life and how Wonyoung not-so-subtly checks out Yujin's butt when she's in front of her.
It's safe to say Yujin's glad that things were official.
Before, she acted nonchalant and told her friends that she was just biding her time before she took things further with Wonyoung but the truth was she was scared. She was head over heels for her, Yujin was sure of it. To Yujin, Wonyoung is springtime; she is calm, blossoming with new life and the kind of positivity that doesn't need to be loud and in-your-face about it for it to have an impact on someone. Wonyoung reminds her of a fresh start, reminds her that it is never too late to change and become better. Yujin was scared to fall completely, because the thing about falling is that it's much scarier when you don't know what's waiting for you below.
Wonyoung had feelings for her, Yujin was sure of that. The only thing she was not sure of was if those feelings are enough, if she was important enough to earn a spot in Wonyoung's future. Wonyoung was a prodigy, the golden child, and she seemed to have her life figured out, had her future set, and Yujin was afraid of getting in the way of that. So, she tiptoed over the edge, and walked on eggshells around Wonyoung. She showed her affection just enough to let Wonyoung know that she was very important to Yujin, but not too much of it to ever let them cross a line. She waits in fear until Wonyoung was sure and she was more than happy when Wonyoung decided to take the leap. Yujin figured she might as well jump in headfirst with her, the fall was scary but at least she now knew Wonyoung was going to catch her.
"Hey, Wonyoung?" Yujin asks her during one of their weekend dates. They step outside the mall, having just finished watching a movie about some female assassin who falls in love with her target Yujin has been so adamant on watching, and decide to walk around for a while. Their hands fit together perfectly, it's already been months since they got together but the warm feeling Yujin gets every time they hold hands, or kiss, or hug, or do pretty much anything else, still hasn't worn off. And Yujin thinks it never will.
"Yeah?" Wonyoung replies, looking at her as she waits for Yujin to continue.
"If it comes to it, what would you choose? Love or duty?" Yujin continues, gaze dropping to their intertwined hands between them. She hears Wonyoung's soft laughter.
"What brought this on, love?" Wonyoung asks with an amused smile.
"The movie fucked me up real hard, okay?" Yujin says, pouting and her tone a mix between defensive and whiny.
Wonyoung chuckles but she decides to give her an answer anyway, "If I had to choose? I'd choose love."
"I figured you would." Yujin replies, genuinely unsurprised. During the early stages of their friendship, Wonyoung has always seemed to be responsible to a fault, it always seemed like responsibility outweighed everything else. But after getting to know her, Yujin realizes Wonyoung was the kind of person who loved deeply and truly, and she realizes that there was nothing scarier than that.
"Mm. What about you though? Love or duty?" Wonyoung asks, throwing the question back at her.
The air begins to feel much colder than it was earlier, Yujin shivers lightly.
She thinks about it for a while, her steps faltering a little as she does.
"Duty." Yujin finally answers.
"Hm." Wonyoung replies thoughtfully.
"Yeah."
"That's a little unexpected, Yuj." Wonyoung says with a chuckle.
Yujin raises her eyebrows, surprised by her statement, "Really? Babe, I'm on the university student council. I'm very responsible."
Wonyoung gives her a smile, "Well, as I've come to know, you love fiercely. And you'd do anything for the people you love."
"I would," Yujin replies with a nod, "The thing about duty is that most of the time people do it because they're compelled to, that most of the time they don't have to like doing it to do it, you know? But sometimes, people do it because they actually want to."
Wonyoung listens and waits for her to continue. Yujin tucks their intertwined hands inside her coat pocket, making Wonyoung feel warm all over before she continues, "You, for example, you're my girlfriend and I'm responsible for making you happy, making you feel good, supporting you, wanting what's best for you. And I do all those with no problem. I do what I have to do because I want to, because I love you."
"I get it," Wonyoung tells her, a wistful smile on her lips, "In that sense, I guess love and duty really aren't that different."
Yujin laughs, "Yeah, to me they really aren't."
"You kinda sound like you'd be one self-sacrificing idiot, the hero type that gets herself killed if it means other people get to live."
"That is because I am a self-sacrificing idiot that gets herself killed for the sake of others."
"Gee, they didn't tell me I was going to be a widow so early. Is it too late to like, back out?" Wonyoung jokes, pretending to be panicked.
"Oh, it's too late. Everyone already knows you're in love with me." Yujin says complacently.
"I'm not in love with you," Wonyoung rebuts dramatically, "who even told you that?"
"Uh, the girl who kissed me in front of a lot of people?"
"Wow. That girl's really shameless."
Yujin nudges her shoulder gently, giggling. Wonyoung nudges her back.
They walk in silence, falling into step with each other as they roam the sidewalk until they reach Wonyoung and Sakura's shared apartment.
"Tadaima," Wonyoung whispers.
Yujin lets out a giggle, "That means 'I'm home' right?"
Wonyoung nods.
"How do you reply to that again?"
Her girlfriend gives her a smile, "Okaeri. Why?"
"Okaeri." Yujin repeats after her, still smiling, "Well, after we both graduate I might be the one telling you that and not Sakura."
Wonyoung scoffs, lifting an eyebrow in amusement, "Someone's looking too far ahead into the future."
Yujin shrugs, "Eh. I like my chances."
They stand there grinning dumbly at each other for a full minute before letting go.
Wonyoung looks beautiful, eyes glistening under the front porch light, and Yujin kisses her softly as she catalogs the image inside her memories.
They last for an entire year before things take a bad turn.
--
It all starts going downhill for them when Yujin gets sick again.
She thinks it's just a normal flu; she's coughing all over the place, and her throat feels terrible and hoarse that she's unable to sing, or even speak in worse cases. They cancel gigs to let her recuperate and get better. Sakura covers for them; as she should, Yujin often tells them, there was no one better at singing than her. Yujin trusts her and she respects her talent; Sakura sounds like a fucking angel.
Wonyoung and her friends take turns in taking care of her, but most of the time Yujin tells them she can do it on her own and that they didn't need to stop doing the things they were already planning on doing just for her sake. It's just a normal flu after all.
But she's sick more often, more gigs get cancelled, and the hoarseness in her throat gets worse every time. The time she feels a lump in her throat when she swallows is the time she decides to get medical assistance.
Wonyoung was busy preparing for their monthly evaluation while Yunjin and Kazuha were off on a class trip. So Chaewon is the one who takes her to the doctor and helps her get checked. They run some tests and she's told to come back a week after and it's the first time in so long that Yujin feels a huge pit of dread form in her stomach.
She spends the week trying to distract herself from the nagging feeling in the back of her mind that something terrible was going to happen. She keeps a smile on her face, goes on with her day like everything is normal but her smiles don't quite reach her eyes like they usually do, her laugh doesn't seem genuine, it was tainted with pain, with fear.
Wonyoung notices this almost immediately, they're in Yujin's dorm room on a Wednesday night and she easily takes note of how Yujin's doing a pretty terrible job of pretending she hadn't been staring at the same page of her notebook for almost half an hour. She stares at Yujin from the footboard, contemplating on how to bring it up.
"Baby." Wonyoung says lightly, watching her girlfriend for any sort of reaction. Yujin's gaze remains stuck on the page. Wonyoung sighs, she scoots closer to Yujin's foot and begins to tickle through her socks. That snaps Yujin out of her trance, she giggles and looks over at Wonyoung as she tries to evade her girlfriend's tickles.
"You weirdo, I'm studying." Yujin tells her, laughing softly.
Wonyoung stops and pulls her fingers back to look Yujin in the eye, "Is there something wrong, Yuj?"
Yujin's eyebrows shoot up, surprised by the question, "I was teasing you, dummy."
"No, baby," Wonyoung replies with a shake of her head, "not that. You've been so out of it lately. Are you okay?"
Yujin looks away quickly, she drops her gaze back to her notebook and clears her throat, "Sorry. I'm just nervous and scared."
"Nervous? Scared of what?"
I'm scared that there might be something wrong with me.
Yujin considers telling Wonyoung all about her worries, she's her girlfriend, her confidant, one of her best friends. If Yujin had to tell someone it had to be Wonyoung. But fear wins over her, she's afraid that if she tells her, it becomes real. And besides, the test results weren't out yet, so maybe she was just overthinking things.
No use stressing everyone else out, she tells herself inwardly.
So Yujin lies for the first time in their relationship.
"Nothing big, baby. Just scared of failing the exams when I'm about to graduate," she tells her, the lie rolling off her tongue like melted metal as she does her best to give Wonyoung a bright smile.
Wonyoung doesn't buy it, Yujin figures from the way her brows are furrowed together.
"Are you sure?"
Yujin nods, "Yeah. Come cuddle with me though, I'll feel much better."
Wonyoung relents, she moves over to Yujin's side and hugs her from behind. "Better?" Wonyoung asks, planting a kiss at the top of Yujin's head.
"Much better."
At least that one was only half a lie.
--
The day of judgment, as Yujin dubbed it, finally comes and Yujin's footsteps feel heavy on the tiled hospital floor. Every step feels like she's carrying a ball and chain, and her heart is raging against her chest. She does her best to keep her fingers from shaking as she pushes the door to her doctor's office open.
"Good morning, Miss An," the doctor greets her with a warm smile, Yujin starts to think that maybe things weren't bad after all, that maybe she was about to receive her good news.
"Hi," she replies, taking a seat in front of the desk.
The doctor, Dr. Kwon, keeps her smile plastered, "How are you feeling?"
"I'm feeling much better. My throat still hurts a little when I talk though."
Dr. Kwon nods, "Alright. Well, I have your results here, and I remember you telling me you sing for a living?"
"Yes. I have a band and we have a steady gig at a music bar." Yujin fidgets, her nails scraping off the light purple nail polish Chaewon had painted on the night before.
"Have you ever thought of stopping?" the doctor asks.
Yujin blinks in confusion, wondering why the doctor was suddenly bringing that up, "Um. No..?"
"Miss An," Dr. Kwon says, pausing to look at her in the eye, "we found nodules on your vocal cords."
Yujin leans back a little, hands feeling clammy as she continues scraping off her nail polish, "Nodules...?"
"They're callus-like growths on your vocal cords, Miss An. They're usually caused by vocal misuse or some other form of vocal trauma like smoking, screaming, excessive talking and alcohol consumption, in your case this might have been from your constant singing."
Yujin swallows, beginning to feel numb.
"I'm afraid your singing has caused a strain."
"H-How though? I don't even belt out high notes that much. I-I — how could this happen..?" she stutters, trying to find it in herself to string words together when she was tearing apart inside.
"Nodules are normal disorders for singers, Miss An. You also told me before that you drink alcohol —"
Yujin's face twists in anger, hating what the doctor was implying.
"Occasionally! I'm not an alcoholic! You think I spend my nights partying constantly and drinking myself to an early grave?! I take care of myself enough!" she yells defensively.
Yujin's chest feels heavier by the second, a dozen thoughts run around her mind as she tries to process what the doctor was saying. She begins to feel like she can't breathe, like the walls were closing in on her. She takes a few minutes to even let another word out.
"Can it be treated?" she asks in a small voice, Yujin feels small, like she was a five year old girl left alone in a crowded mall asking for help from the helpdesk.
"There are cases where they go away on their own by resting your vocal cords —"
"Okay! That's good then, doctor. This, uh, this is good. It's a lesson that I need to slow down and rest."
"Miss An, please let me finish. Although rest is needed, surgery and therapy are the most effective ways of treatment."
Yujin lets out a heavy breath. "I-I'll be okay after that then, doc?" She tries to ignore the world ending around her, tries to ignore the ache in her heart that was growing and growing as seconds passed.
"Yes, however," the doctor pauses and looks at her, Yujin tries not to cry, "nodules may come back even after undergoing surgery."
"Does that mean I have to stop singing...?" Yujin asks her, unable to wrap her head around the mere thought of it. She loved singing ever since she was a kid. She was a cliché, a girl who treated it as her escape from the pressures of being a perfect girl. But singing gave her the freedom she needed, but that freedom is apparently short-lived.
"No. Of course not." The doctor tells her, "I'm not saying you should stop, Miss An. I'm saying you should think about it. Your health must always come first."
Yujin feels alone; she wants nothing more than to run to her childhood home, lock the door behind her and bury herself in the thick covers on her bed, she wants to disappear, wants to go back to when things were okay.
"Give it some thought, Miss An. You can always call when you're ready for the surgery."
Yujin nods and stands up, her movements are robotic, and lifeless as she heads to the door. But she lets any drop of tear fall on her cheeks when she closes the door behind her.
--
Her first thought is to call and tell Wonyoung, after all she was the one Yujin runs to first when something bad happens. So, Yujin calls her as she sobs and waits for her to answer.
But Wonyoung doesn't.
All Yujin hears besides the sound of the bustling campus filled with other students who were going about another normal day in their lives is the constant beep of her phone and the sound of the number you have dialed is out of reach over and over again. She gives up and finds herself lifelessly dragging herself across the campus quad as she tries to find someplace where she could be alone.
Her phone buzzes a few minutes after.
wonnie <3
[2:33]
Wonnie: Baby, sorry I can't answer rn.
I'm about to perform, final evals remember?
I'll see you tonight, okay? I love you.
Of course, Yujin thinks to herself, her heart feeling heavier. Wonyoung had a life outside their relationship; she is a prodigy, she is busy. And Yujin tells herself what she's told herself once she started feeling something more than just attraction for her: Wonyoung has goals, and Yujin isn't and will never get in the way of that. She swallows her sadness and resigns to deal with her problems alone.
[2:35]
Yujin: it's okay :)
good luck, baby!!
see you tonight!!!
i love you too.
She spends the rest of the afternoon sitting on the bench as she stares at the grass.
--
Yujin goes to their usual diner and waits for Wonyoung to show up. She spends the entire walk to the diner debating whether or not to tell Wonyoung about the results, to whether or not to ask her if she should either sing or just give up. She sits in their usual booth, stirring, fidgeting, and trying her best not to dissolve into tears.
But Wonyoung was late. Absolutely, totally late. Almost thirty minutes.
"Miss, if your acquaintance doesn't show up, we're going to need to give your table to someone else," says the waiter, looking strained.
Yujin shakes her head. "She'll be here," she insists, checking her phone.
She isn't totally standing her up, is she? She doesn't have those surprise study sessions or rehearsals Wonyoung sometimes has, right? Yujin isn't going to sit there like an idiot, waiting for her girlfriend to show up, Wonyoung wouldn't do that.
Fuck.
The waiter had turned to leave; instinctively she asked the waiter to add a shot of bourbon to her Coke.
No, a double shot. Her vocal cords were already fucked up, why start being careful now.
"Miss, can't you just relocate to the bar?" the waiter pleads. Yujin allows a flicker of annoyance to cross her face, she knows the guy is just doing his job but she was feeling sensitive and irritable, she feels guilty nonetheless.
"I will give you the greatest tip known to mankind if you just let me keep this table for another fifteen minutes. She's coming," she sighs, "I know she is."
The waiter looks tense. "Fine." He hasn't been gone for five seconds before that familiar head of raven-colored hair bursts through the door, and Yujin watches in relief as Wonyoung looks around for her. Maybe she should call out to her —except she spots her, her beautiful face lighting up. Yujin's chest feels lighter although her heart still hurts the same.
"Love, I'm sorry I'm late, the deliberations took too long and I had to get gas." Wonyoung says as she approaches Yujin's booth, taking a folded receipt out of her purse and plants it on the table.
"And why the hell do I want to see your receipt, Jang?" Yujin asks, amused.
"Just Jang tonight, huh? It was baby just earlier today. And it's so you know I'm not lying to cover my ass, An," says Wonyoung, shrugging, and Yujin doesn't think she'd ever wanted to kiss her senseless more in her life. It was easy being with her, just hearing the sound of her voice made Yujin feel less like shit and made her feel safe.
"I trust you with my life." Yujin replies.
Wonyoung beams at her, and Yujin feels her sadness melt away almost completely. Emphasis on the almost.
"Did you order yet, love?"
"No, just a—"
"Your double-bourbon-and-Coke, ma'am," the waiter says on cue, smirking ear to ear as he places the drink down on a coaster. Wonyoung raises an eyebrow. "Drinking alone, huh?"
Yujin's blush had absolutely nothing to do with the waiter smirking at her.
"I was thirsty," was her lame defense.
"Well, okay," Wonyoung says, looking amused. "I'll have an iced tea," she tells the waiter, who nods, still smirking at Yujin.
"I told you she was coming," she tells him indifferently, reaching for her drink. The waiter just snickers and leaves them alone.
Wonyoung giggles, "Were you betting if I wasn't gonna show up or something?"
"Or something. I feel like I should be sulking because you were late." Yujin begins to pout.
Her girlfriend laughs, "Aw, come on! There's a reason why the deliberations ran late!"
"Hm? And what reason could that be?"
"I got accepted for an internship, Yuj!" Wonyoung tells her, voice laced with excitement and just pure joy, "Not just any internship. It's for a huge acting company in Paris! In Paris!"
Yujin's breath hitches for a moment. There was her answer. There was no way she was going to tell Wonyoung about her situation.
She's leaving.
Her smile freezes halfway as she blinks back the tears she could feel forming. She stares at Wonyoung and feels a deep pit form inside her stomach. And she notices Wonyoung's face fall, noticeably confused by Yujin's reaction, well, the lack thereof.
Yujin regains her senses and laughs awkwardly, setting her drink aside and reaching over to hold Wonyoung's hand, "H-Holy shit! That's — that's really great! Congratulations! I'm proud of you, love."
She means it wholeheartedly, Wonyoung 's hardwork has paid off, her skills were topnotch, it's not a surprise that she got accepted.
She's leaving.
Wonyoung smiles back, lifting Yujin's hand in hers and kissing it softly, "Thank you. I couldn't have done it without you."
Her eyes are already probing Yujin's face for any other indicators of a problem. Her sudden less than normal behavior never went unnoticed.
"So... why did you call me this afternoon?" Wonyoung asks her.
Yujin frowns, not wanting to lose a few minutes of peace and denial, "I-I just missed you, Wonnie."
She's leaving.
"That's it?" Wonyoung questions, eyes still doubtful.
"Yeah," Yujin discovers she's a little good at lying.
She's leaving to follow her dreams, she repeats to herself.
"Wonyoung," Yujin begins.
"Yes?"
Yujin thinks of her baggage, what the doctor told her that afternoon. And thinking about subjecting Wonyoung to that kind of pain hurt her even more than the result itself. Yujin was sick, and she was losing her sense of self. She was going to hold the love of her life back, going to be a huge bump in the road in Wonyoung's journey in achieving her dreams.
Wonyoung was going to suffer with her if they stayed together.
I'm not going to get in the way of that, she tells herself. She isn't going to tell her, Wonyoung doesn't need any of that shit right now.
Yujin looks at their entwined fingers and forces herself to smile, wondering how much longer she's going to last without crumbling, "I love you." It comes out weak, and desperate, but Yujin just hopes Wonyoung doesn't notice.
"I love you too, Yuj." Wonyoung replies, looking back at her, not oblivious at all to the fact that Yujin's smile still didn't quite reach her eyes.
--
Yujin goes back to her dorm room that night, ignoring Wonyoung's probing yet worried looks as she scurries away, barely holding it together.
She sees the empty room and doesn't even bother turning the lights on as she falls to her knees, finally, finally allowing herself to completely fall apart. She sits on the floor, at the space near the edge of her bed and hugs her knees as she breaks. She's overwhelmed, plagued by fear and anxiety; she could still sing but she's going to lose her vocal range. And even then, she's beginning to doubt if it's worth risking her health again.
It was all too good to be true anyway; she had Wonyoung, her band, her fulfilling academic life, and she was foolish to even think for one second that she was going to have those forever.
Maybe she'd done some heinous crime in her past life, maybe she deserves this.
Maybe.
Yujin wasn't sure. All she knows is she is an absolute fool.
She buries her face in her knees as her pained sobs echo inside the dark room, she doesn't notice the door crack open until it was too late.
"Yujin?"
She looks up and sees her roommate, who sees her wet face and immediately rushes to her side, not giving Yujin any chance to say anything else.
"What's wrong?" Chaewon asks her, voice full of concern, arms wrapping around Yujin. She takes the bait, surrendering in Chaewon's arms as she tells her friend everything she's been holding in since her visit to the doctor's office that morning.
"Yujin, it's okay. I know you're scared but after surgery and the therapy your doctor told you about, you can still sing!"
"And then what? Then these nodules come back and I'd have to go through this all over again?"
Chaewon gets what Yujin is feeling, her stomach twists meanly at the thought of losing everything she has all at once.
So she doesn't contest, doesn't disagree.
"Get the proper treatment first, Yuj. Don't think about what to do until after," she tells her,
"Did you tell Wonyoung? Who else knows?"
"No. Just you."
"Shouldn't you talk to her as well? Maybe she'll help you decide?"
Yujin sighs, her voice cracking, too overwhelmed by the heavy ache in her chest, "I can't. I can't do it. Not yet."
"She loves you, Yuj." Chaewon tells her, "She's probably up thinking about why you weren't yourself tonight."
Yujin shakes her head, "Not yet."
Chaewon lets out a heavy breath and holds Yujin in her arms. She listens to her friend's sobbing and realizes she's shedding tears of her own.
--
Now
"Kazuha's plan will absolutely get her killed," Sakura says to Yujin, tone bordering in admiration.
The night is still. They're on the balcony, eating hot instant ramen as they try not to freeze to death from the cold breeze while the rest of their company prepares to go to bed. Yujin just laughs before shoving the noodles inside her mouth.
"Maybe. But it could work," she replies once she's finished chewing and swallowing.
"I hope so," Sakura murmurs, staring out in the twinkling cityscape, "I just want things to be okay again."
Yujin nods slowly, taking a sip of the noodle broth as she stares as well, "Me too, Kkura."
There's a short pause. Sakura hears the beep of a car from the street below and leans back on the chair.
"I never got a chance to thank you," she says suddenly, Yujin turns to face her, eyebrows shooting up in surprise, "You've done a good job holding us all together, you know?"
"Well, everyone was in pieces when Chaewon left. Someone had to," Yujin admits. Remembering the heavy feeling of having the weight of the past couple of years on her shoulders.
"Nah. Ever since we got signed," Sakura replies, fondness evident in her voice, "you didn't even hesitate when we asked you to manage us."
Yujin breaks out a warm smile, "I couldn't let you dummies fall on your faces."
Sakura chuckles, "You're so weird. Just admit you love us."
"I do, you little shit."
"How dare you call me little. I'm not that short, you're just tall, I'm sorry to break it to you." Sakura retorts, setting her cup of noodles aside.
Yujin laughs loudly, "Bitter." She nudges Sakura gently with her arm, the girl nudges her back with a soft smile.
"Seriously, Yuj," she continues, looking at Yujin, "I know it hurt a lot."
Yujin looks away, choosing to focus on her almost empty ramyeon cup while Sakura continues.
"It was supposed to be you. You were supposed to be in my spot, singing and touring all over the world with your friends."
"Saku—"
"Don't worry, I'm not going to get too mushy," she laughs, "I guess I just wanted to say thank you. For staying even when it hurt, and for trusting me enough to be part of the band."
This time, Yujin draws her gaze away from the noodles and looks at Sakura. She remembers telling Sakura that she picked her to replace her, telling her she trusts her and her abilities. She remembers Sakura's astonished face, Yujin had just told them that she was quitting and that they needed a replacement.
You can't just drop a huge bomb like that and expect me to handle another one.
Funny, Kkura. I just did.
I can't replace you, Yujin. You're fucking insane for even thinking that, Sakura recalls saying.
You sound like a fucking angel, Sakura. You're good. Even better than I am, and I trust you, Yujin remembers herself replying.
There's a feeling of warmth expanding inside her chest but Yujin doesn't cry just yet.
"Like I had any choice, you sound like a fucking angel." Yujin replies, repeating the exact same thing she had told her years ago.
Sakura rolls her eyes at this, and Yujin knows she remembers as well, "Right."
"Yeah." Yujin murmurs softly, "That and you're the only person I know who's mature enough to handle all the crazy in the group."
"I agree with that, and Garam's here." Sakura says with a chuckle, looking inside. Yujin turns her head and sees Garam's tall figure right before Kazuha pulls her into a bear hug.
"And I'm really, really glad you and Wonyoung found each other again." Sakura adds, giving Yujin another nudge before getting to her feet and preparing to head back inside. Yujin throws her a grin, standing up as well.
Through the glass door, Yujin sees Wonyoung laughing at their friends' antics, eyes turning into slits as her grins grow wider. She sees the little crinkle on the side of her eyes and begins to smile despite herself.
"Me too," she replies finally.
--
Then
Yujin holds it together for at least two weeks before she begins to crack, trying to be okay during those days was like putting a bandage over a huge crack on the wall to stop it from caving in; it was pointless and she was bound to collapse shortly.
It's taken a toll on her and everything else that mattered to her. Her academics took a partial dive with her straight As turning to Bs and Cs. She hides away from her friends and her responsibilities, and worst of all, she hides herself away from Wonyoung. They call her of course, from Kazuha asking where the hell she was to Wonyoung pleading for Yujin to tell her what was wrong, but Yujin remains cooped up inside her dorm room ignoring them all and making Chaewon swear on her life not to tell anyone about her whereabouts. Chaewon reluctantly agrees but not before giving Yujin a lecture about running away from problems.
She tells her she would come out and say it when she was ready to. Her response remains the same as Chaewon visibly grows tired of hearing it.
"It's not like you to just let yourself wither away like this, Yuj."
"Well maybe you don't know me at all, Chaewon. Just leave me alone," she snaps, a little meaner than she wanted.
"I'm only trying to help." Chaewon says, exasperated at Yujin's bullheadedness.
"I don't need your fucking help."
Her friend only looks at her in disdain, "I get that you're hurt. But as your friend, it's my job to call you out on your bullshit."
Yujin sees Chaewon's hands balled into fists, she knows she's reached her limit.
"This isn't healthy. It's been weeks but you haven't given any thought about the surgery you need and you're acting like some recluse who has no friends who can help her through this. You haven't even talked to Wonyoung. You know? Your girlfriend who's leaving for Paris in a week."
Yujin doesn't respond, instead, she lets Chaewon's anger stir and settle. She knows Chaewon's right but Yujin's too far gone to even think rationally. Her entire world was at the brink of collapse; every second just reminded her of the fact that could not sing anymore without risking her health, that Wonyoung was going to leave, that she was going to get heartbroken in a week. She cannot stop herself from thinking that maybe she fucked up in taking the risk, that maybe it was a wrong move to let herself fall because Wonyoung will inevitably leave her.
And there was something else, something Yujin doesn't want to acknowledge but knows it's there at the back of her mind. It's something she feels when she sees Wonyoung and sees what she's accomplished, her shining future, when she's so close to achieving her dreams. Yujin's just reminded that she didn't have the same fate. Wonyoung is going to leave and become an award winning actress or something but Yujin? After days and days of thinking and mulling things over, Yujin decided to give up on singing again.
Envy, she names it. It's a terrible, terrible thing to feel about someone she loves dearly, but she does.
"Leave," she says after a while.
Chaewon shakes her head, "You're a coward, An Yujin."
Years later Chaewon looks back on this moment and shakes her head at her own hypocrisy.
--
Chaewon was the first to go.
She rarely sleeps in her and Yujin's shared dorm room, choosing to spend her night snuggled together with Yunjin on the latter's bed instead. Yunjin asks her what was wrong and Chaewon just shrugs, telling her Yujin needs time alone.
Yunjin soon follows. The girl spots Yujin somewhere in the campus one day and immediately dashes to her side, pulling Yujin into the tightest hug possible and asking her where she's been. Yujin hastily shoves Yunjin off of her and tells her she does not want to be bothered.
Kazuha leaves as well, Sakura doesn't really talk to her anymore, and Wonyoung? She's leaving in just a few days and she's given up on chasing Yujin. Not like Yujin could blame her, she practically ghosted her and dropped out of the face of the Earth with no warning.
She finds herself alone in her room yet again, the loneliness and anxiety are beginning to smother her further until she finally decides to stop pushing people away. Yujin grabs her phone and begins to make amends.
She texts Wonyoung first, asking her to meet up at their usual diner. She isn't ready to tell her the truth yet but Wonyoung was leaving in a few days and Yujin owes her an apology. It takes Wonyoung an hour to respond with a simple Ok. Yujin figures it was better than nothing and heads out to their meeting place.
--
Yujin feels weird sitting in their usual booth after weeks of being MIA. There weren't a lot of people that night, it's just her, a few service staff busying themselves with idle chit chat, and a group of students huddled at the opposite corner. Yujin nervously taps her fingers against the table as she waits for Wonyoung to arrive.
A smile escapes her lips once she spots Wonyoung entering the diner. She sits up, already armed with apologies but she sees Wonyoung's solemn expression and words die on her lips before even escaping.
"Hey." Yujin greets shakily, keeping her gaze on Wonyoung as she takes the seat across from her.
"Hey." Wonyoung replies, sitting upright with her hands on the table. She looks all prim and proper despite the obvious hurt on her face.
"I'm sorry." Yujin begins, rueful and penitent, "For disappearing all of a sudden."
Wonyoung just stares at her wordlessly, expression still unchanging.
That's when Yujin notices how tired her girlfriend looks, there were circles under her eyes, indicating that she obviously hasn't been sleeping or resting well. It strikes her how much of a terrible thing she's done, and she immediately feels guiltier.
"I'm really, really sorry, Wonyoung," she says, trying again as she reaches over and holds Wonyoung's hands in hers. They feel cold, Yujin gives them a gentle squeeze trying to keep them warm.
"I'm leaving in a few days," is all Wonyoung answers.
"I-I know. I was having a really shitty time, I'm sorry if we lost so much time."
"Stop apologizing. I would have been fine if you asked me to leave you alone, I would have understood." Wonyoung replies, voice a little louder.
"I didn't mean to hurt you. I couldn't face anyone, Wonyoung."
"Why? What happened to you?" she asks.
I'm sick.
I've decided not to sing again.
I can't look at you without feeling a wave of regret and jealousy.
I feel guilty and terrible.
I miss you.
I'm sorry.
Yujin looks away, none of the words she's thought of ever makes it out of her mouth, but she's afraid that if she looks her in the eye, she might give in and spill. She keeps mum and tries to come up with a reasonable excuse.
The girl across from her stares at her in disbelief, "I can't do this, Yujin."
"What does that mean?
Wonyoung withdraws her hands from Yujin's and Yujin's hands begin to feel cold again. Wonyoung gets up and looks her in the eye, "It means I can't do this, you and me, anymore."
"Wonyoung, wait —"
"I have so many things on my plate, Yuj. And I couldn't even fucking focus on any of those because I was worried about you." Wonyoung tells her, sounding so crestfallen and broken that Yujin herself feels like she's being ripped apart, "You can't even tell me what's wrong."
"Wonyoung, please. Let me explain, please don't go." Yujin pleads, "Not like this."
"I'm leaving in a few days and I don't think I can handle anything like this again especially when I'm in another country."
"Are we — you're breaking up with me?" Yujin asks slowly, brows furrowed in disbelief. She's numb all over that she doesn't notice the tears in her eyes.
"I'm sorry." Wonyoung says simply, Yujin begins to hate her ability to stay composed, "And whatever it is you're going through, I hope it gets better."
She gives Yujin one last look before walking out of the diner. Yujin goes back to being alone, she's left stoic despite the obvious stream of tears trickling down her cheeks.
Duty.
I do what I have to do because I want to, because I love you.
It wouldn't have worked out anyway, she was only going to drag Wonyoung down.
--
Now
Chaewon jolts awake at five in the morning. She groans softly as she rubs the sleep off her eyes, stretches a little.
She catches sight of the person beside her, underneath the mess of ebony hair was a sleeping and snoring Yunjin. Chaewon feels a rush of adoration, she looks so at peace, and she wonders if it was because of her, if it was because they slept beside each other again.
She wishes it was, even though it's foolish to even think about.
Chaewon sighs and slowly gets herself up and off the bed, trying her best to make little to no noise to not wake Yunjin up. She goes over to Yunjin's side of the bed and leans in front of her, she sees her face, calm and beautiful and Chaewon wants to cry but she holds herself together. She reimagines Yunjin waking up, smiling at her sleepily like she used to before. But that's what it solely is, a memory, and Chaewon's left with nothing but the weight of it.
She plants a gentle kiss on the top of her head before tiptoeing towards the door.
--
Yunjin wakes up, sunlight streaming through the window, and rolls over to her side. Unconsciously longing for someone to hold, to embrace and that's when she notices that Chaewon's side of the bed is empty. She feels a familiar ache in her chest, the same feeling she gets every time she wakes up alone. She first got acquainted with the feeling when Chaewon left years ago, and the feeling hasn't left her since.
The bed smells like a mix of jasmine and cedar and she immediately recognizes Chaewon's perfume. She's spent days and nights drowning in that scent back when she used to spend her time in Chaewon's arms or just near her. Yunjin groans, hating how oddly sentimental she's getting, reaching over to her bedside table to grab her phone.
It's nine in the morning and her Twitter and Instagram alerts are already bombarding her notification bar. There were a dozen calls from Yujin and a few from the band's publicist. She lets out a breath and tosses her phone to her side, knowing that all those are probably about the previous night. She figures she'll deal with them later and rolls onto her back, remaining planted on the mattress while staring absentmindedly at the ceiling, she knows. Yunjin lies there for a while, immersing herself in the absolute tranquili —
The buzzing of her phone abruptly disturbs her moment of peace. "Ugh," she mutters before grabbing it to answer, barely sparing a glance at the contact name, "Since when did you become a morning person, Nakamura Kazuha?"
"Ever since Yujin made me her maid of honor," Kazuha replies, Yunjin could sense an eye roll from her a mile away.
"Aren't we co-maids of honor?" Yunjin says dryly.
"Exactly. Are you with Chaewon?"
"No." Yunjin replies, trying to hide the dismay in her voice.
"Alright. Get your ass up and help me run errands." Kazuha retorts, "Yujin says you owe her big time after last night, by the way."
Yunjin groans, disgusted at the thought of getting up and spending her day under the sun running around the city, but she knows she's already in deep shit after being seen with both Chaewon and another guy last night, so she acquiesces, "Fine. But just so you know, I'm going to complain the whole time."
"Stop being a baby." Kazuha says airily, "Get dressed and meet me at Sweet Tooth in an hour."
"I am a baby." Yunjin whines, with a pout, "See you later."
"Gross. See you!" Kazuha responds, feigning disgust before ending the call.
Yunjin sits up and stretches her limbs, she stares at her phone and finds herself fighting off the urge to call Chaewon up and ask her to come with them. It'll be like the old times, she tells herself. Yunjin imagines them, walking around the city, laughing at Kazuha, and holding hands like they used to. She shakes her head, surprised by the wave of longing that rushes over. It was a different time, they were happier, and less broken.
She gets off the bed and thinks about the things she would do just to go back.
--
"Alright, Eagle 2. Phase one is complete, she's not with Chaewon." Kazuha declares happily, giving Sakura a soft punch on the shoulder.
Sakura punches her back, much more forceful than Kazuha's, "You sound like a dork."
"Whatever. I know you all love me for it," Kazuha taunts proudly, completely ignoring Sakura's fake gagging beside her.
"Ew. I think I just threw up in my mouth."
"Good. Now let's proceed to Phase 2 of my plan and call Chaewon," Kazuha says, tone becoming serious as if she were a secret agent carrying off a high-stakes plan.
Sakura's gotten used to Kazuha's antics, loves them although she doesn't like to admit it.
"Aye aye, Capt. Naka," she sighs, dialing Chaewon's number as she speaks.
--
Chaewon has barely fallen asleep again when her phone buzzes underneath her pillow. She let out a sleepy yawn and answered it even though her head was still spinning a little, "Hello?"
"Chaewon! Did you just wake up or something?" Sakura's voice rings out from the other line.
"Mm," she mumbles, half-asleep, half-awake.
"Help me run errands for Wonyoung and Yujin bachelorette party tonight?" the older girl asks, putting on her 'cute' voice she knows gets Chaewon to do her bidding every time.
"Noooo, not the aegyo. You're gross. And evil."
"Please? Kazuha's supposed to be the one doing this but her lazy ass was too busy sleeping — ow! Fuck—"
Chaewon hears mumbling in the background followed by Sakura's shushing.
"—sorry about that. Anyways, come with me please, I beg you."
She wasn't really up for it, her limbs felt heavy and she was emotionally drained. But it was Sakura, and they were doing it for Wonyoung and Yujin. So Chaewon decides to just go with it, it'll be fun anyways.
"Alright, alright. Geez, I know you miss me but try to be subtle." Chaewon says snootily, not missing a chance to annoy Sakura.
"Oh shut up. Meet me at Sweet Tooth in an hour, okay? See youu!" she replies, tone perky and giddy before dropping the call and not giving Chaewon the time to respond.
Chaewon buries her face in her pillow, allowing herself to fully wake up before she gets up to take a bath. She debates on whether or not to call Yunjin up and ask her to come with them but she ultimately decides against it, she's sure Yunjin would decline anyway.
She finally gets up and makes her way over to the bathroom. Chaewon runs the shower and sits under it, letting the water cascade down to her skin. It takes a moment for her to realize that since arriving back in Seoul, this was the first time she's woken up without crying.
---
Everybody hurts sometimes
Everybody hurts someday, ayy-ayy
But everything gon' be alright
Go and raise your glass and say, ayy