Chaewon wakes up first.
For the first time in a very long while, she's slept well. She supposes it had something to do with having Yunjin in her arms again. Any sleep was good sleep when things were alright between them.
Chaewon lets out a yawn and looks over at the sleeping figure whose arms were draped all over her. Yunjin looked so peaceful, and calm. Her lips are slightly open, body rising and falling slowly together with Chaewon's as they breathed. Chaewon pulls her close, plants a soft kiss on top of Yunjin's head and hums softly as she caresses Yunjin's hair. Chaewon used to do this back when they were still okay, and she absolutely loved it because moments like these used to remind her that no matter how complicated and tiring the world around them got, she'd always have Yunjin. She clings to those memories, holds them tight, and locks them up somewhere inside her heart; somewhere where no one, not even Yunjin, could take it away from her. And Chaewon wishes time would stop, she wishes to live in this moment with Yunjin for as long as she could; away from the hurt, away from the wreckage of everything that has happened.
Yunjin stirs and Chaewon holds her breath, waiting for her to jolt awake and pull away from Chaewon as fast as she could just like the morning after they slept together. But Yunjin doesn't. Instead, she shifts to a better position, mumbling something incoherently.
"Jen?" she asks, confused.
Yunjin looks at Chaewon, eyes half open, and smiles at her softly.
Chaewon's overcome by the vision, it was too pure, reminiscent of the Yunjin she knew before. Yunjin puckers her lips and pouts as she pushes herself up and kisses Chaewon lightly. Before Chaewon could react, Yunjin dips her head back down to Chaewon's chest and resumes sleeping. Chaewon's heart twists meanly, her insides making her feel like she got punched in the gut. This was something Yunjin used to do; mumbling disjointed words and kissing Chaewon softly before falling back asleep again.
It used to bring a smile to her face, now she just feels like her heart got ripped out of her chest. Because this was all pretend, just a remnant of the past, a leftover reflex from before. Chaewon knows better than to delude herself that Yunjin still loves her, not after last night. She came back to Seoul with an iron will to fix all the things that were broken when she left, but Chaewon's resolve is already waning, and she's come to the realization that maybe things between her and Yunjin were way beyond fixing.
Sometimes love and communication aren't enough.
Maybe Chaewon's beginning to agree.
Sometimes love and communication aren't enough.
She feels Yunjin shift under the sheets and pulls her closer, nuzzling on Chaewon's neck like she used to.
Maybe Chaewon doesn't agree after all.
--
Then
It was hot out, summer was creeping around the corners and everyone could feel it. She and Yunjin decided to spend their Sunday outside campus and they somehow ended up sitting on the grass at the side of the Han River. They were far from alone, kids with their families were out and about as well, and they spotted several teenagers strolling by the riverside too.
But for Chaewon, it was still peaceful. She and Yunjin have been on academic overdrive the past few days and a day out together was something they both needed to keep themselves from going insane due to the schoolwork. They both needed to calm down and relax and so for the past hour that's what they've been doing. Yunjin spent her time taking pictures of the river, of the flowers, the trees, herself, and the dogs who pass by from time to time. And Chaewon spent the hour alternating her gazes between her girlfriend and the river. She's still staring lovingly, thinking about how pretty Yunjin is; the sunlight highlighting her collar bone, her chin, her nose, her eyes, every beautiful thing about her, which in Chaewon's opinion, was basically every part of her. She hears Yunjin giggle at a corgi on a run with its owner and thinks of daffodils and yellow dahlias and how she never wants to lose her.
"Yunjin," Chaewon begins to say, looking at her girlfriend who was still busy taking pictures of the view from across her, and still oblivious that Chaewon was fawning over her inwardly.
Yunjin lowers her phone, and tilts her head toward Chaewon's direction to look at her, "Hm?"
"I love you, you know that?" she says softly.
Her girlfriend looks at her, amused and affectionate. "I know I know. You never let me forget."
"Booo you're supposed to say you love me back, jerk." Chaewon whines, lips forming a small pout.
Yunjin snickers, leans forward and gives Chaewon's forehead a light flick, "I love you too."
Chaewon smiles, cupping Yunjin's face and kissing her earnestly.
"If I could pick a day to live in forever, I'd choose today," she says when she pulls away.
Yunjin sits back and looks on with an amused smile on her face, curious, "That's random. Why though?"
"It's calm. Nothing else is happening and it's just us two enjoying each other's company. It's not hazy and tiring. I feel perfectly content and that's all I want for the future, you know? To live a quiet life with you, happy and content.
Yunjin beams thoughtfully, completely taken by Chaewon's honesty, "That's what I want too. No fuss, just you."
And there it was again, the overwhelming feeling of love and affection for Yunjin taking over Chaewon. There's too much of it to keep it all in, Chaewon's afraid she might explode but she hides it well nevertheless, under the guise of nonchalance.
"Well, lady, if you want to keep me forever, you kinda have to marry me." Chaewon declares smugly, giving a noncommittal shrug.
Yunjin laughs, "Oh, do I?"
Chaewon nods, "Yep. Sorry, girl. I don't make the rules."
"Hm. I guess I have to." Yunjin replies airily.
"Jerk, don't sound so forced." Chaewon exclaims, throwing leaves of grass at her playful girlfriend, who just laughs as she dodges.
"Wait, wait." Yunjin says, laughter quieting down before she gets up. Chaewon nods even though she was confused. She watches Yunjin squats and picks up a bunch of tiny African daisies near a patch of flowers and more grass a little to their left.
Yunjin comes back shortly and sits beside her. She takes one small daisy and ties the end of the stem to the pedicel to form a ring. Yunjin holds out her palm and waits for Chaewon to respond. Chaewon lifts an eyebrow, lips quirking upwards as she places her right hand on Yunjin's. Yunjin grins and slides the flower ring into her girlfriend's ring finger.
"I'll marry you someday, Chaechae. And I'll give you a real ring when that time comes, for now, let's just do away with whatever I made," Yunjin tells her with a playful smirk.
Chaewon beams wide, putting the sun and the stars to shame, "I love it. I love my makeshift ring." Chaewon giggles and pulls Yunjin back in for another soft kiss. She hastily pulls away after realizing Yunjin doesn't have hers.
"Wait. Let me make yours!" Chaewon says gleefully, picking one more daisy from Yunjin's lap and following what her girlfriend did just a few seconds earlier. Yunjin watches her in admiration as she concentrated on tying the perfect knot.
"There!" Chaewon says, smiling proudly as she holds up the flower ring. Yunjin doesn't wait for her to ask for her hand, instead, she holds it out for her and wiggles her fingers.
"Hurry, I might change my mind," she remarks jokingly. Chaewon pouts, "You're mean." She takes Yunjin's hand and slides the ring onto her ring finger.
Yunjin throws her a grin.
"Oh, Chaewon, like I'd ever let you go."
--
Now
It takes another hour and a half before Yunjin finally wakes up.
She yawns loudly as she stretches her limbs, joints cracking softly from the movement. She looks around and finds no other person in the room, she begins to feel alarmed, thinking that maybe Chaewon had left. But she hears the shower running and Yunjin sighs in relief.
Chaewon was still here.
She rolls over to her stomach and hugs a pillow, staring at the wall as she allows herself to fully assess how she feels, where she was, and who she was with.
She feels well rested, first and foremost; it was probably the best sleep she's had in years and she could deny it all she wants but she knows it was because she was with Chaewon. Last night had been different, neither of them were intoxicated, neither of them were angry. Yunjin thinks that maybe they're both just tired — of hurting, of being alone. She thinks that's why they both raised their white flags and just allowed themselves to pretend like they were twenty and in love. She also knows it was temporary, another moment of weakness.
Chaewon steps out of the bathroom wearing nothing but her shorts and an extremely oversized white shirt with a bear print on the front. The girl was focused on drying her hair with a towel to even notice that Yunjin was already awake.
Yunjin eyes her curiously, one brow quirked up. The shirt was hers, probably raided from her drawers a long time ago. Chaewon loved wearing Yunjin's clothes, her shirts especially.
It makes me miss you less, she answered simply when Yunjin asked her why one time. Seeing Chaewon in her clothes, looking comfortable and acting like she won as if she was wearing a dress embedded with Swarovski crystals and not some baggy shirt used to make her feel warm and happy but now, it just made her feel miserable. She wonders why Chaewon has kept them despite everything.
"Do you not have your own clothes?" she questions, choosing to ignore the misery creeping up from behind her. She rolls onto her back and sits up, leaning on the headboard as she waits for Chaewon's response.
Chaewon flinches, momentarily startled by her voice before she turns around and rolls her eyes, "You're up. I forgot you sleep like the dead."
It was Yunjin's turn to roll her eyes, "You're a morning person, you're not allowed to have an opinion."
Chaewon's heart swells at Yunjin's response. There was hope. Maybe she and Yunjin can go back to the way they were, maybe they weren't as broken as they think they are.
"It's way past noon, lady. And I do have my own clothes, thank you very much." Chaewon retorts teasingly, hope newly refurbished.
"Why do you still wear mine then?" Yunjin asks, keeping up the playful atmosphere, unable to stop herself.
"It makes me miss you less." Chaewon answers honestly, eyes burnt honey and soft.
Yunjin's throat suddenly feels dry and her tongue feels heavy, all these years and that was still Chaewon's answer. After everything, Chaewon still had no problem saying things like that.
After all that's happened, why does Chaewon look at her like she still loves her?
All of a sudden Yunjin mo feels all kinds of emotions wash through her: irritation, hurt, panic. She shuts her eyes and sighs. She wants to tell Chaewon so many things but she can't find the words.
"You left," Yunjin tells her, it was all she could manage to say. Besides, she was never good at lying to Chaewon.
"I know, but I never stopped loving you nor did I stop missing you." Chaewon replies immediately, her words piercing through Yunjin's chest.
Fuck. Not this.
There was a long beat; long enough for Yunjin to imagine ships torn apart by deadly waves, long enough for her to watch them drown. It was glaringly obvious that the conversation was going south.
Chaewon says these kinds of things and Yunjin finds herself losing the will to keep her walls up.
"Why do you say things like that?" she mutters brokenly, frustrated.
"Because it's the truth," Chaewon replies with no hesitation.
"I don't believe you." Yunjin croaks.
"It's still the truth." Chaewon looks at her, unafraid.
She wasn't about to give everything up, not again. Not when she thinks there's still a sliver of hope.
Yunjin, on the other hand, is tired.
Most of all, she's scared. Scared of what would happen if she lets Chaewon in again, scared they would implode and destroy each other more than they already have.
How could Chaewon still fight for this?
After everything, why does she still want to be with me?
Yunjin sits up and clenches her fist around the soft fabric of the duvet, "That's not going to make me come back to you."
Chaewon falls silent and drops her gaze to the floor.
"I'm never coming back to you." Yunjin adds, she doesn't know who she was trying to convince though, Chaewon or herself.
Chaewon clenches her jaw, the gavel has been struck and the verdict has been made, two years ago and she was being a fool to even think she could change that.
"Why do you keep coming here then?" she mumbles quietly, an obvious strain in her voice.
Yunjin breathes out, heart feeling heavy.
"Because I'm tired of feeling alone."
A lie.
"And that's all?" Chaewon asks, looking at her again, desperate and pathetic. Her eyes were watery and her bottom lip was quivering. Yunjin refuses to meet her gaze.
"Yes. Nothing else."
A lie.
"I think you should go now, Jen."
"Yeah, I think I do." Yunjin replies, throat still feeling constricted.
Another lie.
She gets off the bed and grabs her phone before walking past Chaewon and heading towards the door. Yunjin stops in front of the door and gives Chaewon one last look. The other girl just stands stiff, towel dangling from her hand, hair still wet, and eyes looking hollow and empty.
"I'll see you on Wednesday," she says before opening the door and stepping out.
Chaewon waits for the sound of the door slamming shut and wonders how many times Yunjin was going to break her heart and how many times she was going to let her, before finally allowing the first threat of tears to spill.
Yunjin rushes out of the hotel thinking that maybe she's good at lying to Chaewon after all.
--
Yujin spends her morning absorbing all the sunlight she could on the balcony. She had a good night cuddling up with Wonyoung in the guest room, but if she was being honest, any night with Wonyoung was good. This morning was shaping up to be a good one as well, she could hear Kazuha's constant teasing from the kitchen, and Wonyoung's and Sakura's occasional giggles from the floor as they tossed cereal flakes at Eunchae, who was napping peacefully on the couch.
She could hear the muffled sounds of the drama they were supposed to be watching playing on the TV and the smell of fresh waffles seeping through the door to the balcony. Yujin takes a sip of her coffee, not minding the slight stinging on her lips as she stares off into the city. She could finally begin to feel the warmth of getting a real ass break. The band's been on breaks before but most of them were short lived and even then Yujin was still so busy fixing their schedules, promotions while they were on hiatus, keeping up with endorsement deals and offers. The only time she ever had a really, really long break was when the whole Yunjin-Chaewon debacle erupted and it sent the band into a yearlong hiatus. It was terrible and exhausting for every single one of them, so they weren't really enjoying the break. If it weren't for Wonyoung coming back, Yujin might have just collapsed.
She sighs as she remembers all the shitty things that happened after Chaewon had left, heart feeling heavy as she imagines letting the memory of that year evaporate with the steam from her mug.
Wonyoung seems to have a knack for showing up when she was in distress, she thinks to herself when she feels a hand on her back and sees her soon-to-be-wife sit next to her.
"Hey," Wonyoung says softly, a small smile on her face, "What's got you looking too serious this early?"
"The past. Most especially how shitty the last two years were, before you came back of course." Yujin grumbles.
Wonyoung looks at her thoughtfully, immediately understanding what Yujin was talking about. "Hm. Sounds like you need a hug," she says with a gentle sigh as she opens her arms wide.
Yujin puts her mug on the table and scoots closer to Wonyoung. Shelets herself feel Wonyoung's warm embrace, "You're the best, I hope you know that."
"Why yes, you've told me quite frequently." Wonyoung replies, rubbing Yujin's back lightly.
"Because you are!" Yujin whines, pulling her closer. This makes Wonyoung laugh.
"You are such a baby," she says, her shoulder shaking from her laughter, "but why were you thinking about what happened?"
"Because I feel like it's happening again," she says burying her face against Wonyoung's chest, "Yunjin hasn't come home yet since dinner, has she?"
"Mm, no I don't think so, Yuj."
Yujin sighs, "I'm sure she's with Chaewon." Yujin pulls away from the hug and looks at her fiancée, "I'm scared for them, Wonyoung. Scared and worried."
"I get it, babe. They're in a complicated situation right now."
"Complicated is an understatement. Something happened, even if Yunjin hasn't said anything. I'm sure of it. That's why Yunjin exploded during yesterday's lunch."
"They were going to get divorced, Yuj. And then Chaewon left. Both of them have a lot of anger and hurt that they weren't able to let out, but despite that, I'm sure they missed each other." Wonyoung tells her calmly, "that's why they're confused as to how they are going to be around each other right now."
"Yunjin told me she doesn't love Chaewon anymore, Wonnie." Yujin says bluntly, looking away with her brows furrowed.
Wonyoung looks at her, confused, "She— what?"
Yujin groans in frustration. "The day Chaewon came back, she told me she didn't love her anymore," she says breathlessly, falling back into Wonyoung's shoulder.
"I don't believe that, honestly." Wonyoung says, unbothered by the weight of Yujin's head.
"Why not?"
"Before you guys came home, Yunjin and I talked last night. She apologized and she asked me what if felt like when I... left."
Yujin stays silent and waits for Wonyoung to continue.
"I told her that basically it sucked a lot. She wanted to understand, wanted to know what Chaewon could have felt, Yuj. If she didn't love her still, I doubt she'd even bother trying to understand how it sucked for Chaewon too."
"Why did she tell me what she said, then?"
"I don't know. Maybe she's projecting? Trying to convince herself that she doesn't love her anymore?"
Yujin lets out a long breath, "I think you're right. But they're hurting each other, don't you think we should help them?"
"We should. Talk to Yunjin, though. You've been in her position before, she'll listen to you."
"Okay. I'll talk to her," Yujin responds, turning her head a little and looking at Wonyoung slyly, "You're the wisest person I know. What would I do without you?"
Wonyoung laughs, "Probably going insane."
"You're absolutely right."
--
Then
Yujin and Wonyoung become fast friends after their lunch and they end up hanging out in a café near the university belt instead of going home.
Yujin spends the whole afternoon listening to what Wonyoung had to say, how she loved and adored her dog, Ray, how she used to loved running around in the rain, how she enjoys sharing an apartment with Sakura, and how she missed her family who stayed in Incheon while she went to Seoul to pursue her dreams.
"I think it's brave," Yujin murmurs.
"Really? Sometimes I think I made a mistake, you know? Leaving home to pursue acting when I could have had a cushy life at home studying law or medicine or something."
"Yeah. You were young when you left home, Wonyoung. The world is scary but you did it anyway. That's brave as hell."
Wonyoung's lips curl into a smile, "Um. Thanks, Yujin."
Yujin beams back. She was already attracted to her but for every word that comes out of Wonyoung's lips, she finds herself falling more and more into the beautiful abyss that was Jang Wonyoung. She wants to swim in her thoughts, immerse herself in the stories the girl in front of her was weaving.
So Yujin asks her about acting, how she fell in love with it.
Wonyoung listens to Yujin's stories as well, most of them starring Azzo, and her friends, of course. She tells Wonyoung how she hated it when people underestimate her and how she loved proving them wrong all the time.
"I'm more than a pretty face, you know?" Yujin tells in an airy tone, obviously teasing, "I'm smart, really talented, and humble."
"Yeah, you said that before but I'm still not so sure about the last one, girl." Wonyoung jokes, finding it easy to fall into a rhythmic banter with Yujin.
"Please just go along with it," Yujin whines, making Wonyoung laugh again. She hasn't laughed freely like this in a while.
And so the afternoon goes on, and she asks Yujin how long she'd been singing, and she listens when Yujin rambles on about how she absolutely loved singing and performing. Wonyoung realizes how badly she's misread Yujin from their first meeting. She was indeed nice, funny, and smart. Yujin's confident but not cocky, not the kind that Wonyoung hates. And she finds that Yujin has this sense of responsibility and determination in her that Wonyoung feels so drawn to. She smiles, not regretting going to lunch with her and giving her a chance to start over.
And before they know it, the sky outside turns dark and stars begin to reveal themselves to the rush of the city below.
Yujin looks out the window and asks her, "It's getting late, do you want to go now?"
Wonyoung checks her wristwatch and says, "Crap. Yeah. I'm supposed to be helping Sakura cook."
Yujin chuckles, remembering that she had a gig that night as she stands up, holding her hand out for Wonyoung.
"Guess we better get you home, princess."
Wonyoung looks up at Yujin, eyes glistening against the café light and finds herself using all her strength not to become a blushing mess.
Geez, keep it cool, Wonyoung.
She takes Yujin's hand and stands up.
"Take me home then, An Yujin."
--
They step out of the café and they're immediately greeted by a cold gust of air. Wonyoung shivers, and she wonders if it was from the air outside or from the feeling of Yujin's fingers wound tightly around hers.
Somehow, it feels right, like it always belonged there, wrapped in Yujin's fingers.
Wonyoung hopes she wouldn't let go.
And Yujin doesn't.
She holds her hand tight and starts to walk, pulling Wonyoung with her gently.
Never let me go, Yujin, she wants to say.
I won't, Yujin's grip seemingly tells her.
It's quiet between the two of them while they walked save for the bustling city around them, until the older one breaks the silence.
"Um, Wonyoung, I forgot to ask you something."
"Hm?" Wonyoung replies, looking at her companion. Yujin stops, the breeze flapping against her hair, and looks at Wonyoung intently.
Wonyoung feels her heart hammering inside her chest, she blinks slowly as she waits for Yujin to continue.
"Where do you live again?"
That pulls her out of her trance. Wonyoung laughs loudly.
"Oh my god. Did I forget to tell you? I'm so sorry."
Yujin laughs with her, "It's okay. I'm too beautiful, I know it's distracting."
Well, you are, Wonyoung wants to say.
Instead she says, "You wish."
--
They arrive at Wonyoung's apartment building and they were faced with the realization that the day they had together has come to an end.
The older girl glances at their intertwined hands before looking at Wonyoung. "Well, here we are."
Wonyoung looks back at Yujin, "Here we are."
She gives her a smile and moves to climb up the front steps of the building. Before she could reach the second step, Wonyoung realizes Yujin has not let go of her hand. She threw her a sly smile.
"Are you having a hard time letting me go or something?"
Yujin flashes her a grin, "Or something."
The younger girl lets out a soft laugh and takes a look at her face, flushed and a little red from the cold. Wonyoung feels her throat close in, Yujin looks so... adorable. She finds it hard to believe that someone this confident and bold could look so soft. She swallows, feeling a little flushed herself and suddenly feeling a little shy and awkward.
She absentmindedly steps down, "Well, uh, bye."
This has become awkward indeed.
Wonyoung mentally kicks herself for letting herself be so affected by Yujin looking cute.
Yujin clears her throat and lets go of Wonyoung's hand, confused by the sudden shift in atmosphere.
"Y-Yeah, bye."
They both lean in for a peck in the check, seem to rethink it, pull back, before awkwardly holding their arms out for a hug. But they both realize that they have never hugged goodbye unless someone died, probably. So they finally settle for a... high five.
Then they both stare at each other.
"Uh, thank you for today," Wonyoung finally whispers before running up the steps.
She was about to enter the building when Yujin called out to her, "This wasn't bad for a first date, Jang."
Wonyoung turns around, lifting an eyebrow, "This was a date?"
And she sees Yujin's lopsided smile before giving her a shrug. Yujin walks away with a smug look on her face and Wonyoung does not mind one bit.
--
Wonyoung falls in love in November.
It starts with Yujin flirting and her subtly flirting back, then it molds into her hearing Yujin's laughter, with her witnessing Yujin's confidence and talent every time she watches her sing, with her being engulfed in the girl's warm hugs and protective embraces. And finally boils down to the way Yujin watches her in awe during her rehearsals, and her feeling like melted butter on toast when she sees her.
Yujin falls in love way before that. It starts and ends with the way Wonyoung looks at her, gaze burning deep into Yujin's soul, as if Wonyoung sees that there's something more to Yujin than meets the eye and that she wants that, that she wants all of it. Yujin thinks of giving it all to her, she could give her the entirety of An Yujin and all she would ask for in return was her love.
They don't start being together yet though. They continue hanging out, spending time with each other when they can. Sometimes Yujin studies while Wonyoung practices, sometimes they don't see each other at all but they make it a point to send the other a text or a call. They both go to each other's shows and show support, and they become friends with each other's friends. They were practically girlfriends already but both of them were too chicken to ask.
One night, while studying in their dorm room, Chaewon asks Yujin if she and Wonyoung were already dating, and Yujin shakes her head no, focusing on her notes. Yunjin butts in, telling her that she'd been there before and just put a damn label already. Kazuha agrees, saying they were giving Chaewon and Yunjin a run for their money in terms of being chicken.
"Wonyoung knows I like her. I'm just waiting for the right moment." Yujin counters, pouting.
"Oh, how the tables have turned," Yunjin teases.
"Shut up."
--
For Wonyoung, the right moment comes during one of Yujin's gigs. She sits on one of the tables near the stage and watches and listens to Yujin sing while her friends play their instruments.
"I wanna live in the hidden parts of your skin. I wanna be inside, I wanna get locked in," she croons, "I just wanna dip you in honey."
Wonyoung stares at her, never really getting over the fact that Yujin was born to be on stage, she looked so confident, emotions pouring out of her as she sang in perfect pitch.
Yujin looks at Wonyoung and catches her staring, she grins when she sings the next line, "My Japanese bazooka, my alley cat. I like it when you're good but I prefer the bad. And I just wanna dip you in honey."
Wonyoung doesn't look away, and sees Yujin's crooked smile. The world seemed to blur out until it was just the two of them. The spotlight was on the older girl on stage, sounding like all the yearning in the world was locked inside her chest and was bursting out the seams, highlighting her features.
Her fair skin.
"Baby, we were made out of sunshine."
The bridge of her nose.
"Baby, we were made out of stars."
Her brown irises disappear as she closes her eyes.
"Tame the thunderclouds in my mind."
Wonyoung's eyes land on her lips, and she suddenly wants to do nothing else except kiss her.
She finds herself standing up, still staring. Dazed and entranced, it was just her and Yujin and no one else. Her feet take her to the stage and Wonyoung finds herself rushing towards Yujin whose eyes widen in confusion when she sees Wonyoung on the stage.
In a split second, Yujin feels Wonyoung's slender arms around her, pulling her in for a kiss. It takes another second for Yujin to process what was happening but she kisses her back nevertheless. And they stay there, holding each other, not paying mind to the crowd before them.
Kazuha and Chaewon stop playing their instruments and they watch the scene unfold in front of them with half-smiles, confused yet happy. Yunjin awkwardly stops beating her drums, stifling a laugh.
Wonyoung pulls away, eyes shining, and smiling widely. Yujin grins back, ignoring the thumping in her chest as she tries to catch her breath.
"Geez, Jang, couldn't keep it in your pants?" Yujin murmurs teasingly.
"Can you just be my girlfriend already?" Wonyoung retorts.
"Someone was getting impatient, huh." Yujin says, looking smug with an eyebrow raised.
"Sorry, I couldn't help it. You were taking too long, so might as well beat you to it."
"Alright, if you insist."
"If I insist?"
Yujin nods once.
"Alright." Wonyoung says, grin still in place.
Someone in the crowd whoops and whistles and they're immediately brought back to the reality that they were in front of an audience. Kazuha stifles a laugh disguised as a cough and they could hear Chaewon giggle. Wonyoung blushes, realizing what she had done.
"I, uh, I should go back," she continues with a nervous chuckle.
Yujin nods, a smile still reaching her eyes. Wonyoung dashes back to her seat, cheeks as red as a monkey's butt.
Yujin clears her throat and addresses the crowd, "So, uh, I can't believe you guys had to see me get a girlfriend."
They could hear a bad um tss from Yunjin's drums, and the crowd erupts in laughter and cheer. Yujin laughs along, heart feeling full.
"Okay okay," she shoots Wonyoung a not so subtle wink, "Back to business, this one's called Bullseye. I hope you all are having a good night like I am."
Yunjin counts down with her drumsticks, signaling Yujin when to start singing. The crowd listens as her voice seeps through the mic. Wonyoung watches her with a small grin she just couldn't wipe off her face.
In the middle of the song, Yunjin catches Chaewon's eye. The other girl flashes her a bright grin and Yunjin couldn't help but feel like everything has finally fallen into place.
--
Now
After hours of hiding in a secluded coffee shop in an attempt to clear her mind, Yunjin finally decides to go back home.
She's greeted by an almost-empty penthouse and an An Yujin drinking some type of iced chocolate drink while flipping through a magazine when she steps inside.
"Where's everyone?" Yunjin asks, shutting the door behind her.
"They're helping Wonyoung look for a few good clubs for tomorrow's bachelorette party," Yujin replies without looking up.
"Really? Why didn't you go with them?" Yunjin questions nonchalantly as she moves towards the fridge, she was unbelievably parched.
"Hm," Yujin hums before taking a sip of her drink and putting it on the table as well as the magazine she was reading just a few seconds ago, "I wanted to talk to you actually."
Yunjin eyes her friend as she chugs down a bottle of cold water. "Please don't tell me it's another Chaewon lecture," she says with a groan after she finishes drinking.
"It is. Sucks for you, Huh." Yujin deadpans.
Yunjin sighs in response, "I don't need another lecture, Yujin."
"You do, Yunjin."
"Why? Why does everyone think I need to be lectured about Chaewon?" Yunjin exclaims, shooting the older girl an exasperated look.
"You were with her last night, weren't you?" Yujin asks even though she already has a strong hunch.
"No." Yunjin lies, stubborn and hardheaded. Because if she was going to admit to sleeping over at Chaewon's hotel room, she'd also be admitting to a lot of other things like that fact that she still needs her, still finds comfort in her, still loves her. Yunjin wasn't even ready to admit that to herself yet, let alone admit to anyone else.
"No? You're really going to lie to one of your closest friends?" Yujin says incredulously, crossing her arms across her chest.
Yunjin cringed, Yujin could really fill the scary and strict older sister role when there was extreme need for it.
"Would you kill me if I said yes?" Yunjin replies, realizing she had no choice but just come clean about one thing at least.
"Yes to what?" Yujin pushes as Yunjin sits beside her on the couch.
"Yes, I was with Chaewon last night."
"And that's it?"
"I, uh, I also slept with her..." Yunjin trails off, ashamed that she gave in to her moment of weakness.
Yujin sighs, "I had a feeling." Yunjin refuses to look at Yujin, not wanting to give Yujin the opportunity to gloat.
"You know, it's okay to admit that you still feel something for her," the older girl says sincerely.
"But I—I don't."
"Yunjin —"
"Yujin. I don't have feelings for her. I—I just felt alone and confused and she was back and I don't know, I wanted to see her, wanted to not feel sad and alone anymore and she was there." Yunjin reveals, stammering ever so slightly.
Yujin looks at Yunjin, eyebrows bunched together.
"Yunjin. Do you want me to be honest?"
Yunjin lets out an exasperated sigh; she couldn't handle the truth right now, she doesn't want to hear it.
"Look, I honestly think you're lying." Yujin tells her bluntly, going for the kill; she was never the type to beat around the bush anyway. Yunjin scoffs, readily maintaining her defiant façade.
Yujin rolls her eyes, "But if you're telling the truth, if you really don't love her like you say you do, then stop messing with her, Jennifer." She sees Yunjin shut her eyes, this was how she could tell Yunjin wasn't here for the conversation; Yujin's witnessed it so many times over the years, she knows Yunjin hates confrontations but this was something too important to just let pass, so Yujin presses on.
"I know you don't want to hear this right now, Jen, but you need to." Yujin takes a deep breath before continuing, "Chaewon— Chaewon still loves you, and she wants to fix things. But if you really are done with her, with your marriage — everything about the two of you, then stop sending her mixed signals."
"Yuj—"
"I mean it, Yunjin. Proceed with the divorce and leave her alone." Yujin utters, her voice stern, "I've seen you on your lowest when she left and I was there for you. But it must have been a shit storm for her too, and she was all alone. It's time for me to be there for her."
Yujin was always protective of them.
They tease each other and make fun of each other a lot of the time but when it mattered, Yujin wasn't afraid to step up and defend them, even if in this case, it was Yunjin who she was telling off.
Yunjin bites her lip harshly, it was the only thing she could do to keep the tears from falling. She knows Yujin is right, she knows she fucked everything up even more. Hot tears stream down her cheeks as she continues to wrestle with the truth.
"I'm sorry, Jen. I really want you two to work this out and I would gladly do anything I can to help, but if you don't love her anymore then I think it's best if you guys just went your separate ways and move on."
"Six years, Yujin. How do I move on from that?" Yunjin asks, her voice quiet as she hunches over, burying her face in her hands.
"I honestly don't know, Yunjin. I think a part of it will always stay with you."
"I don't want it to."
"Hey," she says, rubbing Yunjin's back gently, "I can't guarantee you that it'll be easy but that's why you have us. We'll pick your sorry ass up all the time." Yujin laughs a little, attempting to lighten up the atmosphere.
Yunjin chuckles amidst her tears, "You're such a mom."
"I know. Wonyoung and I aren't even married yet but we already have five kids." Yujin jokes.
"Thanks, though. I'll get my shit together and try to move on, I promise." Yunjin says, determination lacing her tone as she wipes her tears away.
"You'll get there, Jennifer."
Yujin's phone vibrates and she momentarily stops consoling her friend to have a look at it.
loml
[4:50 PM]
loml: hey love
they want to eat at Kwong's tonight
wanna join us?
[4:51 PM]
Yujin: sounds good, love.
I'll see you <3
Yujin looks over at Yunjin, "Hey, we're going to eat at Kwong's. You should join us, Jen."
Yunjin thinks it through but not without flashing Yujin an appreciative smile before ultimately deciding against going. She shakes her head, "Nah. I kinda want to be alone right now, Yuj."
"I understand." Yujin smiles gently as she stands up, "But if you ever change your mind, give any one of us a call, okay?"
The older girl presses a kiss on the top of her head, "We'll see you later." Yunjin nods and watches Yujin get up and leave after grabbing her bag from the guest room.
Yunjin sits in the emptiness of the living room and stares at the ceiling.
Yujin was right. She needed to move on, or start trying at least. That way, she could stop hurting both herself and Chaewon.
And Yunjin thinks she knows where to start.
--
Then
It was Friday and they were supposed to be at Impurities playing yet another gig but Yujin was sick which caused the hoarseness and the scratchiness of her voice, so they decided to take the night off. They offered Sakura, who, through recent discovery, actually has a voice of an angel, to the manager to fill in for their set and sing solo during their schedules until Yujin felt better. Although reluctant, Sakura couldn't say no to the decent pay she was going to receive and the manager surely did not have any qualms about finding a temporary replacement for their band in the meantime.
So they were stuck inside their dorm room with nothing else better to do.
"You guys are going to get married, right?" Kazuha randomly asks as she takes a break from building a Lego Death Star.
Yunjin, who was busy putting Chaewon's now-blonde hair into a braid, looks up at her best friend, surprised at the sudden inquiry.
"What?" she asks, quirking up an eyebrow.
"You two. You're going to get married, aren't you?" Kazuha repeats, stretching her arms before taking a swig of her Mountain Dew.
"No way. I can't stand her, Zuha." Yunjin replies, face twisting in fake disgust, "She gives me too many kisses."
Chaewon scoffs, "Like that's ever been a problem to you!"
"Uh-huh... Actually, I hate to break it to you but it's always been a problem, babe."
"Mean!" Chaewon whines playfully, knowing fully that Yunjin was kidding. She turns to Kazuha and shakes her head, "And it's a no. She's mean, imagine being married to that."
"You like it when I'm mean!" Yunjin counters, pouting at her girlfriend.
"I like it when you're underneath me —"
"Gross. I should not have asked you two weirdos that question." Kazuha interjects, throwing a pillow at her two friends at the opposite side of the room. Chaewon and Yunjin burst out laughing, the latter falling on the shit tons of stuffed animals she had on her bed.
"Sorry, sorry." Chaewon says before sitting up, "But seriously, we're going to. Someday soon." She looks at Yunjin and gives her a tiny smile, clearly thinking about their day at the riverside with flower rings and promises.
Yunjin nods, "And nothing stops Chaewon from introducing herself as my wife at parties anyway."
"I'm just simply stating a soon-to-be fact." Chaewon replies proudly, crossing her arms across her chest while giving them a shit-eating grin.
"Stop looking so smug, you only do it when you get drunk," Yunjin says, rolling her eyes but laughing afterwards. She proceeds to look at Chaewon with a certain softness that even Kazuha could feel from her side of the room. It was tender, and full of love, and Kazuha's sure that everyone else who sees it will have no choice but to root for them.
I'm rooting for you guys, she wants to tell her friends.
"I can't believe I'm stuck here with you two lovestruck idiots," she says instead.
Kazuha wants them to make it, and wants them to last. She probably still has a long way to go before she can find something even remotely close to true love but Yunjin and Chaewon were different, they've already found it.
She sees Chaewon wrap Yunjin into a hug and right then and there, she vows to do whatever she can to help them make that happen, because finding a love like that in a world like theirs is rare and it would be a tragedy if they lost it.
--
Now
Yunjin wasn't an alcoholic. She'd never been a fan of drinking but lately it seems like alcohol was her new best friend. Yujin had told her to try to move on and stop making more of a mess of things between her and Chaewon. Yunjin had agreed and promised to get her shit together and what is else is more fitting to be the first step in moving on than drinking the night away.
So she puts on a pair of crisp, black denim jeans and a black crop top, dons a black plaid shirt before stepping out of the penthouse. Yunjin takes herself out to one of the many bars in the red-light district, one that wasn't a celebrity hotspot, and finds solace in a bottle of Jack Daniel's after binge watching anime shows over the past four hours.
The music was loud, and the place was close to being crowded. Yunjin's four drinks in and all she can see is Chaewon, the color of whiskey in her glass reminding her of Chaewon's eyes and how they looked so empty every time Yunjin hurt her. She drains the rest of the drink until it makes her feel like she is drowning.
"Hey there," she hears someone say from behind her. Yunjin doesn't bother turning around, she probably doesn't know that person for her to give a shit. And from the sound of it, the person was probably a man and Yunjin wasn't in the mood to deal with the kind of crap that seemed to follow those kinds of men wherever they go.
"You look like you could use some company," the man says, this time, sliding up next to her on the bar stool beside her, "drinking alone isn't that fun."
"You think?" Yunjin says in annoyance.
"Feisty, I like it," he says, sounding impressed rather than discouraged at Yunjin rejecting his advances, "Can I buy you a drink?"
Yunjin spares him a glance, irritated. He looks like a typical brown haired, brown eyed rich male who had too much money to know what to do with it. A look of shock registers on his face when he realizes who he had just hit on.
"Holy shit. You're Huh Yunjin," he says, stammering over his words. Of course he knows, her face was plastered on billboards and magazines all over the country.
"No, I'm not." Yunjin denies, she knows it's stupid, futile, even, to deny that she was indeed the drummer from Le Sserafim but she was drunk on whiskey and she wasn't thinking clearly. Plus the man annoyed her, disturbed her precious alone time, so she wanted some sort of payback.
"Really? You look so much alike."
Yunjin shrugs, "I get that a lot."
The man laughs at that, "Can I buy you a drink then?"
"Why not," she slurs, not thinking about her answer, not even thinking about the fact that she can buy it for herself.
"Alright, bartender, let's give this pretty lady a drink," he says with a smirk on his face as he waves at the bartender.
Yunjin lets him buy her a drink and allows him to talk to her and flirt with her— not that she reciprocates. She waits and downs all of it as the man continues to indulge her with shots of tequila, glasses of rum, and more whiskey. She drains it all, thinking that maybe tonight she might drink enough alcohol to make her finally forget about Chaewon.
--
During her years in the limelight, Chaewon's made a few friends outside their band. Some from other bands like theirs, some of them were actresses and actors, and a few of them were idols. Minjeong, in particular, is an actress and she was one of the people Chaewon was very good friends with back in the day so it didn't really faze her when she received a call from her early in the afternoon. Minjeong called, commented on how it was surprising that Chaewon hadn't changed her number at all before asking her if she wanted to go out and catch up. Chaewon almost declined when Minjeong told her they were going to meet up at some bar somewhere in the Itaewon district, but she decided against it. She figures it was much better to mope and be sad while out drinking with a friend rather than mope and be sad alone in a hotel room.
In truth, Minjeong was not the only person who called her up to hang out that night. Eunchae called her right before she started getting ready for her night out. She tells Chaewon they were at their favorite restaurant for dinner and asks her if she wanted to eat and hang out with them.
"Is Yunjin going to be there?" Chaewon asks apprehensively, their conversation earlier that day and the way Yunjin left just rendered her broken. She doesn't think she could face Yunjin again without falling completely into tiny, tiny pieces.
She hears Eunchae hum in thought on the other end of the line, "Hm. You're not going if she's here, are you?"
"Um. No..?" Chaewon replies reluctantly, Eunchae's never been one to beat around the bush.
"She's not here, don't worry."
Chaewon thinks about it for a full minute. She believes Eunchae but she just cannot risk seeing Yunjin; the band lives together, it'd be impossible for her not to be where they were even if she was late or something.
"I'd love to go and hang out but Minjeong already beat you to it." Chaewon tells Eunchae, biting the inside of her cheek as she hopes that Eunchae would understand.
The younger girl laughs, "Minjeong? Actress Winter? The same Minjeong who used to have a crush on you a few years ago? The same Minjeong who kept saying she liked you on national TV? That Minjeong?"
Chaewon laughs along as well, "In her defense, she didn't know I was with Yunjin when she was doing that. That was honestly a very awkward time and it was before we became friends."
"I remember Yunjin saying you were her girlfriend over and over again every time Minjeong tried her moves on you." Eunchae recalls lightheartedly, "It was honestly the funniest thing I've ever witnessed. The girl just couldn't take the hint."
Chaewon's laughter dies down gradually, the memory of Yunjin telling the world that they were together taking over her brain. Chaewon momentarily wishes she could go back to that time, where the idea of her and Yunjin together didn't tear her heart into pieces.
Eunchae clears her throat, and says "I'm sorry, too soon," her tone rueful and apologetic, thinking she might have hit a sore spot.
"It's okay, Eunchae." Chaewon says, her voice gentle.
On the other line, Eunchae sucks in a breath, "Okay. If you and Minjeong finish early, you can come to us. Kazuha's going back to the penthouse to take a shower later though, you can probably go with her. We're going to be prepping gift bags for the bachelorette party tomorrow."
"That sounds fun, Eunchae." Chaewon tells her sincerely, reconsidering her decision not to go with them.
"It is. I think Garam's, uh... coming over as well," Eunchae replies, voice quieting down when she says Garam.
Chaewon smirks knowingly, "That's a name I haven't heard from you in a while."
"Shut up. It's impossible but I can actually hear you smirking over the phone," Eunchae complains.
This makes Chaewon snicker, "Sorry, sorry. I'll let you know, okay? I'm gonna get ready."
"Okay. Have a good time, unnie."
"You too."
After the phone call, it was settled: Chaewon is going out with Minjeong for the night. She dresses herself in a black polka dotted dress, pulls on a dirty white leather jacket over it, and steps into a pair of black ankle strap heels before leaving the hotel. She hails a cab and texts Minjeong that she was on her way.
--
Chaewon arrives at the club and immediately looks for her friend. She spots her waving her over at a booth near the bar counter. Chaewon throws her a grin as she makes her way to Minjeong, who seems very happy to see her.
The girl immediately wraps her in a bear hug, which Chaewon reciprocates instantly.
"I can't believe it's been two years!" Minjeong notes incredulously as she sits back down. Chaewon takes a seat from across her and spreads her lips in a grin, "I know. A lot of things have changed." She gives Minjeong a pointed look, "Well, except you. You're still so tiny."
Minjeong pouts, "Ha ha. You disappear for a couple of years and the very first thing you do is tease me."
Chaewon laughs, "I'm sorry. I missed doing that, I didn't really have friends to pick on back in Japan."
"You're the worst, Kim."
"Please, you wouldn't miss me if I was." Chaewon replies, looking smug as hell.
"Yeah, yeah. Can you stop teasing me, we have a lot of things to catch up on!"
And so they order their drinks (a French 75 for Chaewon and an Amaretto Sour for Minjeong), and they share a couple of sliders as they talk each other's ears off about what has been happening to their lives the past two years. Chaewon leaves out the part about her and Yunjin's impending divorce, she trusted Minjeong but that would create a media shit storm if word ever got out. Yunjin and the band don't need the extra stress that it might bring. She just tells Minjeong what the band told the public: she was in dire need of a break from the chaos that came with a career in the limelight.
After half an hour of just talking and drinking, Chaewon could already feel her becoming woozy and the world slowly blurs away. She wasn't really that good with alcohol, back then she was always the one who stopped drinking after just a few drinks. In the band, Sakura was the champion when it comes to alcohol tolerance. Chaewon excuses herself to go and freshen up in the ladies' room.
"Okay," Minjeong replies, taking a sip of her fifth drink, "The comfort room's just on the left corner."
Chaewon nods and takes her purse before getting off her seat, catching a grip on the edge of the table before she could stumble. As she stalks her way to the bathroom, Chaewon sees someone familiar over at the bar.
Dark hair in messy waves, back slightly hunched over a few drinks.
"Yunjin?" Chaewon murmurs softly but she laughs to herself afterwards, thinking she must be that drunk to be seeing her here.
Besides, the girl was with a man and Yunjin didn't really —
Before Chaewon could finish her train of thought, the girl turns to face her direction for a minute, she looks like she was looking around for something but she immediately turns away. But it was long enough to make Chaewon realize that she wasn't that drunk, it was her. Yunjin. She wasn't just a figment of Chaewon's intoxicated state, it really was her. And Chaewon begins to notice everything: how loud the music was becoming, how the world started to spin faster than it had been earlier, how her insides are twisting terribly and how her limbs go numb when she sees that the man has one hand on Yunjin's back.
Chaewon stands there, wanting to run out and break down but her feet remain frozen, her feet remain stuck on the floor as if they were designed to torture her and make her watch the woman she loves in another person's arms.
She sees Yunjin get up from her chair and turn around. For a split second, they lock gazes, and Chaewon feels the first drop of tears stream down her cheeks.
--
Yunjin is becoming a little worried that some weirdo stalker from Dispatch is going to find her and it will be some big issue again. She could see the headlines already, "Married, LE SSERAFIM'S Huh Yunjin finally moving on?"
She cringes. Yujin would have a fit, so she looks around the bar for any signs of weirdos with huge ass cameras lurking somewhere in the area. But she finds none, not yet anyway. She catches a glimpse of someone familiar, but she shrugs it off because she knows she's had one drink too many.
She turns back to down the last of her drink before ordering one more. The guy, Jay, he hasn't left her the moment he sat next to her. Yunjin knows very well what he was there for, why he was buying her all these drinks. She knows he was just waiting for a sign, a green light, a signal that Yunjin was finally giving in. But she wasn't. She was starting to get dizzy though, and she couldn't care less about what Jay thought was going to happen because her mind was already preoccupied with thoughts of Chaewon, her light brown hair and her smile that could easily take over the world.
She didn't notice his hand slide down from her back to her waist until it was too late. He scoots closer and whispers lowly, "Let me take you home."
Yunjin goes blank, she stares at him and he waits for her answer. She blinks, the dizziness fading away and she finds her voice.
"No. Leave me alone," she hisses before stumbling away from his grasp. She turns around to leave and she sees her, just standing there.
She locks eyes with her and Yunjin's momentarily stunned by how the world seemed to be pushing her and Chaewon to be in the same vicinity as each other.
Soulmates, I tell you, Chaewon had once said.
Yunjin used to think it was incredible, now she just thinks it's cruel.
Chaewon looks at her, tears sparkling against the lights, betrayed and broken. Yunjin looks back, chest feeling heavy, wanting to rush to Chaewon's side and tell her no, you've got it wrong. She wants to tell her I could never do that to you. Yunjin wants to tell Chaewon that it was still her, that it will always be just her. But the minute her legs could move forward, Chaewon's already gone.
---
Now my heart feel like December
When somebody say your name
Cause I can't reach out to call you
But I know I will one day, yeah