Yunjin yanks her hood over her head as she stalks down the hotel hallway, annoyed at herself for not bringing anything to cover her face. She wonders how she could walk when her mind was spinning and her brain was pounding. She's astonished at how she could be so cruel to Chaewon and thinks about how they're falling apart — no, they already have and Yunjin just made it worse by running to Chaewon last night.
She feels her knees buckle and she almost falls over, luckily, she was able to lean on the wall. She knows she can't drive like this, let alone go home. So she grabs her phone from her back pocket, ignores the missed calls from her bandmates, and quickly dials Kazuha's number, fingers digging into her temple.
"Yunjin, where the hell are you?" Yunjin hears Kazuha sigh in relief.
"Zuha, I did something stupid," she says breathlessly.
"What? What do you mean?" Kazuha replies in a panicked tone. Yunjin shuts her eyes, doing her best not to puke on the floor of the Four Seasons.
"I just. Fuck. Pick me up, Zuha. Please. I can't drive like this."
"Jesus, Jen. Where are you?"
"At the Four Seasons." Yunjin answers, words slurring more than she liked. At the Four Seasons, where Chaewon is staying. At the Four Seasons, making things much worse than they already were.
"Four Seasons? What the hell are yo —" Kazuha stops, the realization hitting her square on the face. "—oh. Damn it. I'm on my way."
--
"This looks familiar." Kazuha notes when she arrives and sees Yunjin sitting on the floor, head between her arms. Her best friend looks up, eyes looking tired and bloodshot.
"Please don't be mean to me, I have a headache." Yunjin whines, lips on a pout.
"You wound me. I'm never mean." Kazuha chuckles, extending her hand. Yunjin gladly takes it, grateful for the arrival of support, and gets off the floor. She stumbles a little but thankfully Kazuha's holding her tight so she does not fall.
"Lies." Yunjin retorts, half-praying she won't vomit and half-praying Kazuha won't bring up the giant elephant in the room.
"So," Kazuha begins as they walk to the elevator and Yunjin kicks herself inwardly for jinxing it, "mind telling what the hell happened last night?"
"Nope." Yunjin says, voice firm and lips pursed.
Kazuha sighs, looking at Yunjin seriously before she presses the G on the elevator, "Yunjin."
Yunjin rolls her eyes and instantly regrets it because it made her feel woozy even more, relenting. She knows she doesn't stand a chance at lying to Kazuha because based on last night's events, apparently she's a terrible liar.
"Fine," she sighs, "I slept with Chaewon."
Kazuha pinches the bridge of her nose, "Yunjin, oh my god."
"I called her and when I got here, it, uh, it just happened. I don't know what came over me," she says. This makes Kazuha shoot her an incredulous look before they're interrupted by the ding of the elevator arriving.
"What do you mean it just happened. You called her, you drove here. That doesn't just happen, Yunjin. You deliberately decided to make things worse." Kazuha hisses, frustrated.
"I know, Kazuha. I am well aware of how much I fucked up, okay? I don't need you rubbing it in my face even more." Yunjin fires back sharply, tears forming in her eyes.
Kazuha shakes her head and doesn't speak, she looks away from Yunjin and stares at their reflection on the shiny elevator doors. The pink haired girl beside her shuts her eyes and breathes in and out.
"I'm sorry. I'm — I'm sorry, Zuha. I just —"
"It's fine, Jen. I know you're probably feeling terrible about it, I'm sorry." Kazuha tells her, giving her hand a reassuring squeeze.
"I am. God, Zuha. I was drunk and overwhelmed and alone, and Chaewon... God, she was there. She was back, I could touch her, I could feel her, and I could kiss her. I wanted her, I know I shouldn't anymore, but I did. I wanted her terribly." Yunjin says in a rush of words, voice pained and anguished.
"Jen," Kazuha says softly.
Yunjin shakes her head.
"Fuck. I loved her, Kazuha. For six years I didn't love anyone so much except her. Six years of my life with her — that's something I can't just forget." Yunjin shuts her eyes again, aware of the tears trickling down her cheeks.
"I know." Kazuha murmurs, pulling her friend into a hug. Yunjin hugs her back, burying her face in her shoulder, allowing herself to break in Kazuha's arms; Kazuha was safe, Kazuha understands.
"Please don't tell the others about this." Yunjin mumbles into Kazuha's shirt.
"Okay. And you're lucky we're on a break right now or Yujin will have your head," Kazuha says lightheartedly. Yunjin laughs a little, thankful for the small distraction.
"Thanks, Zuha."
"Yeah, you're also lucky to have me," she replies, giving Yunjin a smug small after pulling away. Yunjin wipes her tears away and smiles back. The elevator doors slide open and Kazuha pulls her along, "Let's get you home, dumbass."
--
Chaewon doesn't move for a long while after Yunjin leaves. She spends that time curled into a ball, the duvet wrapped around her feeling more like a straitjacket than a source of comfort as she wonders why she makes very terrible decisions.
You're Chaewon and you make very bad choices.
You're Chaewon and you're weak.
She closes her eyes and tries to ignore the searing pain of regret and misery gnawing on her insides but some things are just way too painful to bear. Before she could stop it, the familiar sting in her eyes turns to tears. Pathetic, she thinks. Ever since she left Seoul, she feels like she's never known happiness, like she hasn't done anything but cry.
The tears, the feeling of regret and frustration, the sadness — it's all so familiar.
Sorry, Chaewon-from-two-years-ago, you're still pathetic.
The buzzing of her phone from the bedside table breaks her train of thought. Chaewon groans and wraps the duvet around her tighter, thinking that if she squeezes it tight enough it'd swallow her whole. But that doesn't happen, nor does the incessant buzzing of her phone stop. She finally decides to get up and puts on last night's shirt before reaching for the device.
She answers it, not bothering to look at who was calling.
"He—"
"Chaewon, get up and let's have lunch." It was Sakura, her voice perky despite the hoarseness from yesterday's concert.
Chaewon groans, sinking back into the covers, "Chaewon's not here. This is a prerecorded message."
"How convincing." Sakura says sarcastically, "Seriously though, have lunch with us."
Chaewon debates on going or not, for all she knows she has two options for the day: a) she could mope and cry about Yunjin again for the millionth time and wallow in the pit of despair she's created, or b) she could go to lunch with her friends and distract herself from the fact that she just got her heartbroken by the same girl two years apart. She decides that the second option was a thousand times much better than the first one, she needs to give her eyes a break after all.
"Fine," Chaewon answers with a huff, getting off the bed. "Geez, Kkura. It hasn't even been 24 hours and you already can't get enough of me," she adds with a laugh, as if she wasn't openly weeping before Sakura called. She figures it was easier to lie through the phone, the other person won't see any indication of a lie, nothing to rely on but the liar's voice.
"Don't flatter yourself too much, Kim." Sakura scoffs, "I'll see you in a bit?"
"Alright. See you."
Chaewon ends the call with a sigh and makes her way to the bathroom. She turns the shower on, sits under the stream of water and hugs her knees. Her mind's back on Yunjin again, she thinks back to the events of the previous night, she thinks about the way Yunjin touched her, the way she kissed her, the way Yunjin still knew how to make her feel good. Chaewon bows her head against her knees and cries, the resolve she's gathered during her time alone in Japan already washed off.
She figures she can have one more Yunjin-related breakdown before she pretends she's okay again.
--
Then
"At the airport!" Chaewon exclaims all of a sudden, jumping up Yunjin's bed in excitement. They were in Yunjin's bedroom at her childhood home in New York. She and her family go home to Niskayuna for Christmas every year. And Chaewon, with the help of her ceaseless pleading and begging from her parents, tagged along with them for winter break. It was their first winter as a couple, and as cheesy as it was, it made Chaewon's heart tingle.
The two of them were supposed to be helping Yunjin's mom sort through old family photos for some scrapbook she was going to make but Chaewon kept getting distracted by Yunjin's baby pictures.
Yunjin looks up from the stack of photos on her lap and stares at Chaewon with a puzzled expression, "What?"
Chaewon giggles and plops down next to her girlfriend. "Look, you're at the airport," she says, showing Yunjin a picture of her 16 year old self and her sister Rachel, who was 13 years old at that time. And sure enough, they were at John F. Kennedy International Airport. The two of them bore goofy smiles, and Yunjin finds herself grinning. She remembers it clearly; that was the day they left for South Korea. She remembers being nervous and excited at the same time, it was a new place, a fresh start. Sixteen year old Yunjin was full of hopes and dreams and excitement. She smiles fondly, but turns to look at her grinning girlfriend in confusion.
"Yes, and?"
"April 13, 2012." Chaewon replies with a smile.
"Yeah, Chaewon. The day we moved to Seoul. What about it?" she asks, even more puzzled.
"I was there, Jen. We moved to Seoul that day too." Chaewon tells her, smile still in place.
Yunjin's eyes widened at the revelation, "Really?"
Her girlfriend giggles and nods, "Really!" Chaewon gives her a loud kiss on the cheek before laying down, "Gosh. I knew I saw you from somewhere before! Soulmates, I tell you." she continues wistfully.
Yunjin laughs, setting aside the stack of pictures before lying beside Chaewon, "And here I thought it was a pick up line."
"Shut up." Chaewon says with a chuckle. She turns to face Yunjin, eyes soft and full of adoration, "Funny how the world works."
Yunjin stares back at Chaewon and thinks about destiny again, about how she and Chaewon have crossed paths before and how they ended up in each other's lives after all those years. She finds herself smiling crookedly, "Really funny indeed."
Chaewon smiles softly, "I love you."
Yunjin feels like her heart was going to burst; Chaewon's with her, and she loves her. She wonders if she was a very good person in her past life for her to luck out like this. I can't imagine life without you, I'm the luckiest girl in the world, please don't leave, she wants to say.
Instead she says, "I love you too."
She leans forward and cups Chaewon's cheek. Yunjin kisses her with all the love she feels and hopes Chaewon understands.
--
Now
Yunjin and Kazuha arrive at an empty penthouse. Kazuha heads to the kitchen for a glass of water and sees a sticky note with Went out for lunch written in Yujin's scrawl on the fridge while Yunjin heads to her to wash up and change into something cleaner.
"Well, they went out for lunch," she mumbles as Yunjin steps out of the room.
Yunjin goes to her and takes a glass for herself, her throat was dry so she was eager to remedy it with ice cold water. "I can't believe they're already out and about at 11 in the morning. Didn't you guys go to the after party?" she asks after drinking.
"We did but we didn't drink that much." Kazuha says nonchalantly, leaning on the kitchen island.
"Somehow, I find that hard to believe," Yunjin comments snidely. Kazuha gives her a playful nudge, "Whatever. I'm sure we didn't get as drunk as you were."
Yunjin stiffens, "Please don't."
Kazuha sighs in surrender, "Sorry. Do you want to go out and eat lunch too?"
Her friend nods, grateful that Kazuha dropped the topic immediately, "Sure, why not. My head won't stop spinning but I'm hungry anyway." Yunjin thinks she needs a distraction, something to make her forget what she'd done.
"Tell me where to go then." Kazuha says with a small grin, grabbing her car keys from the kitchen counter before making her way to the door with Yunjin trailing behind.
--
Chaewon steps out of the cab and heads inside the brunch place Sakura told her to go to. It was quaint and intimate, the kind of place you go to eat if you don't want to be bothered by people, which makes it perfect for celebrities like them. Chaewon enters, the smell of food immediately greeting her nostrils makes her smile. She immediately spots Sakura's blonde hair at the far left corner of the bistro, she also sees Yujin, Wonyoung, and Eunchae; the four of them talking animatedly. She makes her way to their table, tapping Sakura shoulder when she reaches them.
"Hey," she greets, taking the empty seat beside Sakura.
"Finally. What took you so long?" Yujin asks, handing her a menu.
Oh, I just spent an hour and a half crying in the shower before actually taking a bath and getting ready.
"I fell asleep again," she replies nonchalantly, lying through her teeth like it was second nature to her as she takes the menu from Yujin's hands.
Eunchae eyes her for a brief moment, if she catches on to the lie, she doesn't show it because she looks away and picks on her bagel. Chaewon continues scanning the menu, eager for a tasty... distraction.
"I buy it, you look tired. What did you even do last night?" Sakura questions, her eyes probing. Chaewon raises both her hands in surrender, "What? I just stayed up watching dramas."
"Uh-huh..." Eunchae says slowly. Chaewon looks at her, wide-eyed and innocent, "Hm?" This makes Eunchae sneer at her briefly, but the youngest drops it and shrugs, "Nothing. You should try the shrimp scampi here. It's the best."
Chaewon gives her a big smile, "I will. Thanks, Eunchae."
Yujin, Wonyoung, and Sakura sit there, a little confused by the exchange but the both of them decide not to meddle with whatever it was. Chaewon calls the waiter, orders the scampi along with red iced tea, and sits contentedly while she waited.
"So, Yujin, Wonyoung. You guys are getting married next week, how're you feeling?" Sakura questions with a smile.
The oldest girl smiles sheepishly, a rare kind of smile from the ever so confident An Yujin, "Ah crap. It's the only thing I could think about since last night." Yujin turns to look at Wonyoung, "It's crazy, right?" Her fiancée just smiles, amused at her.
Sakura scoffs playfully, "Only a little. But I'm really happy for you, Yuj. You've been taking care of us for years, I'm glad someone can finally take care of you for a change."
Yujin's gaze softens, she's touched by the sentiment. She and the band usually rag on each other to no end without a problem, but when they say things like this, Yujin realizes how much they loved each other.
"Thanks, Kkura. But in all honesty, I'm really nervous. I mean I'm getting married! To Wonyoung!" Yujin exclaims, waving her hands in front of Wonyoung as if she were showing her off, " She's gonna be fine because she's amazing but what about me? I have no idea how to do this, who am I gonna run to when I need advice?" Yujin blurts out, suddenly panicking. The four girls around her laugh, amused.
"You're right. You certainly can't run to me or Chaewon," a voice creeps from behind. They all turn to the direction of the voice, all except Chaewon, she knows that voice very well. They see Yunjin and Kazuha dressed in sweats. Chaewon remains stiff in her seat.
"What are you two losers doing here?" Yujin says teasingly.
"We decided to go out for lunch. Didn't know you guys would be here though." Kazuha replies with a smirk.
"We can leave." Yunjin mutters, trying to ignore the fact that she was in close proximity to Chaewon.
"Oh, yeah." Kazuha says, realization hitting her for the second time today.
"Why? Am I making you uncomfortable?" Chaewon inserts snidely, finally turning around to face Yunjin. The girl looks taken aback. She was clearly not expecting Chaewon to dare to look her straight in the eye with that casual expression on her face, as if last night didn't hurt.
Yunjin feels anger spread through her veins, but she contains it because she knows she has no right to be angry; it was her fault, she gave in and ran back to Chaewon. She takes a deep breath and fakes nonchalance, "Of course not, Chaewon. Why would you ever make me feel uncomfortable?"
Chaewon shrugs, two can play at that game, "No reason. You just look uncomfortable, that's all."
Their friends watch them, scared at what might happen. They don't realize that they've been holding their breaths until Yunjin lets out a sarcastic laugh, "Sorry for that then."
Yujin looks at them, brows furrowed in confusion, eyes screaming what the hell just happened. Kazuha clears her throat, "Well, I guess we're staying." She takes the seat beside Chaewon while Yunjin takes the space beside Eunchae making her sit right across Chaewon. The two of them try not to look at each other as the lunch progresses, but every now then one of their friends notice either one of them stealing glances at the other.
When they land on the topic of Wonyoung and Yujin's upcoming marriage again, she reiterates how she's nervous. Chaewon laughs, "You'll do fine, Yujin. Love and communication will go a long way."
There's a beat of silence, ominous and foreboding. The kind you hear before disaster strikes, the kind that envelopes an entire expanse before a bomb goes off.
And Yunjin and Chaewon were ticking time bombs. The explosion starts when Yunjin scoffs at the side, "Yeah right. That's why our marriage isn't in shambles. Sometimes love and communication isn't enough."
Chaewon freezes, laughter dying on her lips as soon as Yunjin spoke. She chews on her lip, it was only way that could stop her from crying yet again. She inhales, regaining control of herself.
"Sometimes it is, Yunjinnie. Wonyoung and Yujin aren't us," she says defiantly. This starts off the second explosion, everyone else and their mother can hear the shrapnel shred through debris; loud, unstoppable, and terrifying.
"Things end, Chaewon." Yunjin fires back sharply, not backing down, ignoring the pull in her heartstrings when Chaewon calls her Yunjinnie.
"Not if I can help it," Chaewon replies, staring at Yunjin with her jaw clenched. Chaewon's fingers curl into fists around her loose fitting jeans, desperate to not lose what little control she has over herself left.
Yunjin laughs, loud and sarcastic and bitter, the anger bubbling up again, "Oh, is that why you wouldn't sign the divorce papers? Because you think you can prevent this marriage from ending? Are you fucking kidding me? And what do you mean Wonyoung and Yujin aren't us? Didn't Wonyoung leave Yujin hanging years ago just like you did?"
"Yunjin, that's enough." Yujin hisses, glaring at the girl in question as she clenches her fists; they all knew Yunjin had crossed the line. Wonyoung puts a hand on Yujin's knees, patting it gently. It calms Yujin down immediately but she doesn't break her rock hard stare on Yunjin.
The table falls silent, the waiters in the bistro awkwardly pretend they didn't hear anything, and the handful of other customers do the same by pretending to be overtly interested in the menus.
Chaewon sits there, eyes locked on Yunjin, she's afraid that the tears would spill if she blinks.
"Whatever. This was a mistake," Yunjin scoffs before getting up. All of them, except Chaewon, watch her as she leaves the bistro.
Chaewon could feel all their eyes on her, but she can't handle being pitied. She wanted a distraction and she was still keen on getting that so she speaks before any of her friends do, "Well, weren't we talking about these two getting married?"
Her friends awkwardly exchange looks, Kazuha clears her throat, "Um, yeah. I, uh, I can't believe Wonyoung's marrying you, An. Congratulations to you but best of luck to her."
"Thanks, Zuha. I think I'll need all the luck I can get," Wonyoung jokes as well, rubbing Yujin's back gently. Yujin gives her a small smile, thankful and adoring.
Eunchae laughs and Sakura follows her. And just like that, the tension, albeit temporarily, disappears.
Chaewon catches Eunchae's eyes. "Thank you," she mouths. The youngest gives her a small nod, warm smile on her face, reminding Chaewon that things will be okay.
--
Yunjin knows Yujin wasn't going to let get away with her outburst earlier, she knows she was going to get scolded and get lectured. But as of the moment, she couldn't bring herself to care because she was preoccupied with covering her face before people saw her crying in broad daylight. The last thing she needed was another media fiasco involving her, she's had enough of those to last a lifetime.
She doesn't realize how far she's walked until she finds herself outside their apartment building. She doesn't have time to be impressed because she spots a few paparazzi men lurking behind some trees. Yunjin rolls her eyes and rushes inside. She hurries to the penthouse and locks herself in her room. There, she finally has time to reflect on what she did.
She holds her head in her hands and burst into tears. She's a terrible person, she ended up hurting Yujin, the person who was there for her when she crashed and burned, and Wonyoung, one of the kindest people she was friends with. She shouldn't have done that, she crossed the line just because too wrapped up in her own personal problems with Chaewon. This was why she couldn't let her in again, this was why she needed to be free from Chaewon. She becomes too uncontrollable, feels too many emotions when it came to Chaewon. And she can't afford that, she can't afford to lose herself in the jumble of everything. Yunjin can't fall apart again, no, she's spent so much time repairing the part of herself that was slowly chipping away even before this whole mess with Chaewon had started.
She lets herself fall sideways onto the floor, and cries herself to sleep.
--
Yunjin wakes up hours later to the sound of soft buzzing coming from the television in the living room. She sits up and rubs the sleep away from her eyes, wincing as she feels the soreness of her limbs.
She was a mess.
To add to that, she hears her stomach grumble. Great.
Yunjin gets up and makes her way to the door, stopping abruptly, unsure if she was ready to face the wrath of Yujin. She leans on the door, pressing her forehead against the wood, hand hovering over the doorknob. With a shaky breath, she decides to twist the knob open and step out. She prepares herself for the lecture and the frustrated rants of the great An Yujin as she makes her way to the living room, but she's greeted by Wonyoung's silence. The girl was in her pajamas, legs crossed, and busy eating some kind of salad as she watches whatever it was on TV.
Yunjin stops in her tracks, hesitant. Wonyoung notices her before she could do anything else.
"Hi, Yunjin. Are you hungry?" Wonyoung asks, voice soft and calm. Yunjin wonders how she does it as she slowly nods her head yes. Wonyoung gives her a small smile and continues, "Okay. The girls went out to buy food half an hour ago, I'm sure they'll be back anytime soon."
"W-Why are you here?" Yunjin probes cautiously.
Wonyoung lights up in understanding, "Oh! Yujin wants to stay here tonight."
Yunjin nods, "Okay. Um, Wonyoung."
"Hm?" Wonyoung responds, patting the space beside her on the couch, "Also why are you standing there? Are you scared of me or something?" Hearing Wonyoung laugh softly makes Yunjin feel a little better, a little less scared. She moves towards the couch and sits beside Wonyoung.
"I'm sorry. For earlier. I-I was out of line," Yunjin says ruefully, looking at Wonyoung with regret, "I'm really sorry."
Wonyoung gives her a reassuring smile, putting a hand on her shoulder, "It's okay. I understand what you were feeling. You and Chaewon have so much history, and I understand why you blew up the way you did."
"Yeah," Yunjin says, head hung, "She up and left me, and I had to pick up the pieces that got destroyed in her absence. It took me so long to get used to her being gone, Wonnie. And now that she's back, I feel like I'm losing the progress I made."
"Progress isn't linear, Jen. It's normal to relapse and falter. You'll get there."
"What does it feel like, Wonyoung? Leaving, I mean. What does it feel like? Because getting left already so painful, I want to know what it feel like to leave."
Wonyoung drops her arm, and looks at Yunjin with a certain sadness in her eyes, "There's always two sides to every story. Getting left is terrible, horrid, but leaving? Leaving is as terrible if the ones you're leaving behind are the ones you love the most."
Yunjin stays silent.
"Leaving has its own kind of pain, Yunjin." Wonyoung says solemnly.
--
Then
Yujin meets Wonyoung in her third year in college. Unlike Yunjin and Chaewon, they don't click immediately. They didn't start off already head over heels in love with each other, in fact, Wonyoung didn't really like Yujin that much and the girl wasn't afraid to show it.
Yujin had just finished the first set of the night's gig when she spotted her at a table with Minji and her girlfriend, Hanni. There was nothing new about Minji and Hanni visiting 21:29, like most students, they loved it there. What was odd was that there was a new girl who was eating fries as she listened intently to whatever Hanni was saying. Mysterious and elegant, dark ebony hair in a low ponytail, soft waves spiraling down her back, she easily catches Yujin's eye.
There was something about the way she sat, the way she smiled that made Yujin immediately feel drawn to her. Minji must have noticed her staring because she looks up and immediately waves her over. Yujin gives her a smile and makes her way to their table.
"Hey, Yuj. You sounded good earlier." Minji remarks, a proud smile on her face. Yujin laughs, "Pfft. Of course, since when did I ever sound bad, Min?" Minji rolls her eyes and Yujin could swear she sees the new girl look at her in disdain but she quickly masks it before Yujin could say anything about it.
"As usual, the ego is up there," Minji replies airily, waving her hand dismissively at her friend. Yujin laughs again before diverting her attention to the other girls on the table.
"Hey, Hanni. Nice to see you here again. And uh, who is this?" she asks when she lands her eyes on the unfamiliar girl. The girl looks back at her and Yujin feels like she got hit by a ton of red bricks, "I'm Wonyoung."
She swallows the nerves— she wonders why those nerves were present in the first place—, and extends a hand forward, "Hi. I'm Yujin."
Wonyoung, even in ire, still retains a little bit of her politeness and decency, tentatively shaking Yujin's hand. Yujin feels like a bolt of lightning shot through her, heart pounding for some reason; it was all so unfamiliar. Yujin doesn't realize that she's still holding Wonyoung's hand until the girl clears her throat.
Yujin blinks, pulled back to reality.
"Oh, uh, nice to meet you! I work here, singing for the customers with my band," she says with a shy smile.
"I know, I heard." Wonyoung replies in a surprisingly annoyed tone. Yujin's taken aback by the snippy attitude, not used to people being crabby when they meet her. For a moment she pauses to think about what to do next, but ultimately she decides to put on her usual cheerful face, knowing what a lost cause looks like, "Well, uh, I hope you guys enjoy the set." Yujin tells them, giving Minji and Hanni a smile, "I'll see you guys later," she adds, giving a small nod in Wonyoung's direction.
She waves them goodbye and rushes back to where her friends were, trying to save herself from the awkward first meeting.
"What's wrong with you?" Kazuha asks her, weirded out about how breathless Yujin was when she reaches her.
"I just saw the most beautiful girl in existence," she says, trying to catch her breath, "But I think she hates me." Yujin sits beside Kazuha and reaches for a water bottle to drink from.
"Someone hating you? There's a shocker."Kazuha replies sarcastically, earning her a playful shove from the older girl.
"Zuha, I'm serious. She's beautiful, but she seems... snippy," she mumbles, eyes trailing to where Wonyoung was again. "Who?" Kazuha asks, following her line of sight and sees Wonyoung, "Jang Wonyoung? She's one of the nicest girls I've met! And I can't believe you don't know her, you're the popular one."
Yujin rolls her eyes, "What's got to do with anything? I don't see her around campus."
"I don't know? Doesn't popularity equate to knowing a lot of people. And of course you don't see her around, she goes to school with Hanni."
"Minji's Hanni? She goes to KNUA as well?" Yujin questions, still staring.
Kazuha nods, looking away from the girls, "Yeah, she's still a freshman though. Training to be a professional actress or something."
Yujin shoots her friend a look, incredulous and unbelieving, "How do you know all this?"
"She's Sakura's friend, so I may have met her once or twice," Kazuha replies casually, standing up when she sees Yunjin and Chaewon wave them over. Yujin looks and feels more confused than ever, "What? Who's Sakura?"
"Sakura's my friend, mom." Kazuha says, emphasizing the word mom with her usual teasing tone, this makes Yujin roll her eyes, "Another freshman. From my department, we're in three classes together for some reason." Kazuha finishes, setting the record straight before she saunters off to where Chaewon and Yunjin were. Kazuha just stares after her, still a little bit shocked and confused.
Once the confusion wore off, she finds herself trailing her eyes off to where the snippy girl was, still boggled as to why Wonyoung was a little bit rude to her if she's supposedly nice as Kazuha said she was.
For a second Wonyoung looks back at her and they lock eyes with each other. The girl immediately averts her eyes and pretends to be interested in the plate of fries in front of her.
Jang Wonyoung, you're already shaping up to be something else.
Yujin smirks, shaking her head before she goes to her friends.
--
--
Wonyoung and Yujin don't talk to each other again for a few months.
Sure, Yujin sees her at 21:29 from time to time with her usual group of friends but they don't talk save for a brief exchange of hellos. That wasn't for the lack of trying on Yujin's part though. At first it was because it didn't sit well with her that someone out there was holding some sort of weird grudge against her even if she hasn't done anything wrong. But as the weeks go by, Yujin finds herself wanting to get to know her, finds herself wanting Wonyoung to stop being just the-girl-who-hates-her-for-some-reason and start being her friend. So, she tries to talk to her, amicable and friendly, but she keeps getting brushed off. Eventually, Wonyoung stops going to the music bar and Yujin tries not to let it bother her.
That doesn't mean she left Yujin's mind though.
Yunjin laughs at her when she tells her this one time in the library, saying Wonyoung was amazing because she's only said less than ten words to Yujin yet she's already got her smitten. Yujin rebuts that Yunjin was one to talk and she brings up how the latter's jaw was hanging open when she saw Chaewon for the first time. The two of them end up laughing so loud that they get reprimanded by the librarian.
Of course, that only made the two of them laugh even more.
"Seriously though, if you're that smitten, shouldn't you do something about it?" Yunjin whispers, not wanting to get kicked out of the library.
Yujin's face scrunches up in disgust, "I told you, I am not smitten. I find her beautiful and mysterious, sure. And I really want to get to know her, to you know, find out why she was crabby towards me and not to other people. Her smile hasn't left my mind since that night, sure, but I'm not smitten. Not even close."
Yunjin looks at her in amusement, "It's funny how hard you're trying to sound convincing right now." Before Yujin could dish out any form of response, the chair beside Yunjin moves, legs scraping the floor lightly.
"Who's trying to sound convincing right now?" Chaewon asks brightly, taking a seat after she sets her notebooks on the table. She moves the chair a little closer to Yunjin, and circles an arm around her, placing her chin on Yunjin's right shoulder.
Yunjin doesn't shake her off, easily allowing Chaewon to get comfortable and pulling her close in the process, "Yujin. She's trying to convince me that she doesn't have a crush on someone from KNUA."
For a moment, Yujin was blown away by how they looked so at ease wrapped in each other's arms. She's seen them like this so many times but it never fails to amaze her, she figures that maybe that's what love looks like.
Chaewon's laughter draws her back to the current situation.
"Aw, really?" Chaewon coos. Yujin's look of admiration immediately vanishes and is replaced by false annoyance.
The older girl rolls her eyes, "It's not a crush!"
"Please, you're such a bad liar." Chaewon counters with another laugh. Yunjin giggles along with her.
"SHHHHH!" the librarian from across the room shushes them and throws them a terrifying glare. The three of them turn to her and smile apologetically.
"Fine. Maybe I have a... crush. I don't know. Do people even have those still?" Yujin hisses when they tune back into their conversation. She looks unsure, visibly cringing, "It sounds so high school-y."
Yunjin giggles, as soft as she could, "Awww, that sounds adorable."
"It's not." Yujin protests, "She hated my guts even if we literally just met and all I did was introduce myself."
"Maybe she's just shy around new people? And that might have come across as rudeness." Chaewon reasons.
"That's likely. Kazuha said she's nice." Yunjin adds.
"Also, wow you just met and you're already smitten?" Chaewon notes, with an entertained smile.
Yunjin smiles brightly, "That's what I said!"
"Soulmates," Chaewon chuckles and presses a loud kiss on Yunjin's cheek. Yujin pretends to vomit, "You guys are insufferable. Now I'm glad Wonyoung doesn't seem to like me."
"Jealous," Chaewon says, smug and teasing.
The three of them laugh loudly and they end up getting asked to get out of the library.
--
The world has funny ways of bringing people together, Yujin guesses when she sees Wonyoung standing across Minji's living room during another one of her parties. This particular was thrown to honor the end of their grueling midterms, and Yujin decided it was time to give herself the good time she very much deserves. So she goes to the party with the usual suspects: Kazuha, Yunjin, and Chaewon, and begins to have a good time. She spots when she's on her eighth cup of Jungle Juice, and Yujin actually wonders if she was starting to see her everywhere, she wonders about the crush. But no, Wonyoung was actually there, busy talking to some other girls Yujin doesn't recognize. Yujin nudges Yunjin, "Hey, she's actually here." She was slightly slurring her words, making Yunjin laugh, "Oh god. Are you gonna talk to her? You're already tipsy."
"Shhh! I'm not. I can handle my alcohol, unlike your girlfriend over there." Yujin argues, motioning to Chaewon who was laughing loudly at Kazuha who was looking confused. Yunjin looks over and lets out a light laugh.
"She's already on the happy drunk stage, I think I should go check on her. Zuha looks terrorized," she says, eyes turning into crescent moons as she laughs. Yunjin turns to Yujin again, "If you're really going to talk to her, just be yourself."
Yujin sniggers, "How very original." Then she shakes her head, "Maybe later, though. She looks busy."
Yunjin sticks a tongue out at her, "Chicken." And Yujin watches Yunjin mosey over to where Chaewon and Kazuha were.
After seeing Yunjin circle an arm around Chaewon's waist and subtly land a soft kiss on her cheek before joining in on Kazuha and Chaewon's conversation, Yujin turns her gaze across the room once again. She finds Wonyoung staring at her, dark hair curling down to her back, walnut-colored eyes probing, and soft pink lips turned upwards enough to resemble a faint smile. Yujin raises an eyebrow, delightfully surprised, but before she could make anything of it, Wonyoung shakes her head and heads off to the drinks table where Yunjin and the rest were. Yujin takes a quick swig of Jungle Juice and decides to follow her in the guise of joining her friends.
"Hey," she greets brightly, still slurring her words, and wraps an arm around Kazuha.
"What are you so chipper about?" her shorter friend asks. Yunjin laughs, "Pretty sure she's trying to pretend she isn't a chicken." Chaewon giggles beside her, her current state of inebriation evident, "Ooohh is this about Wonyoung?" She says this rather loudly, enough to prick Wonyoung's ears and make her look at them. The group, save for Yujin, tries to subtly look at her reaction. Kazuha awkwardly waves at her with a stroppy smile. Wonyoung waves back, clearly weirded out.
Yujin's eyes widen as she shushes Chaewon, "She's literally right there." She turns to Yunjin, "You! Keep your girlfriend quiet." Kazuha and Yunjin share a look of amusement.
"What do you mean girlfriend? Yunjin is my wife! My wife!" Chaewon says defiantly, poking at Yunjin's cheeks.
Kazuha erupts into a series of loud guffaws, "Jen, she's lost it." Yunjin chuckles, "Yep. I should take her back to the dorm." She turns to Chaewon and smiles softly, "Come on, lady." Her girlfriend grins back, bright and blinding, and nods as she lets Yunjin hold her hand and take her home. They don't make it through the door without Chaewon drunkenly introducing her as her wife to every single person they bump into.
"Alright now that those two dummies are gone, you should go talk to this crush of yours." Kazuha says firmly, shrugging, eyebrows raised and lips pursed into a tight line.
"Why are you all so desperate to get me to talk to her? You guys aren't the ones who like her." Yujin counters with a small pout.
"Because you're a dumbass who can't see the sexual tension between the two of you," Kazuha exclaims, "Lady, don't think we didn't see those weird ass glances you two keep shooting at each other the whole night."
Yujin withdraws her arm from Kazuha's shoulder and punches her good-humoredly, "Oh Kazuha, shut up."
Kazuha rubs her arms, "Stop hitting me! Or I'll call Wonyoung over!"
"I'd like to see you try."
"Oh, I will," Kazuha says with a mischievous grin, "Hey! Wonyoung!" she calls out to the girl who was busy with her phone. Yujin laughs when Wonyoung doesn't look up.
"See? The universe is on my side." Yujin says smugly.
"Not for long. She probably didn't hear me because of the music," Kazuha argues then grins, "Let's go to her instead."
She grabs Yujin's hand before the older girl could argue but she pulls on her hand, making them pause.
"What now?" Kazuha asks.
"What part of 'she hates me' don't you understand?" Yujin fires back.
Kazuha lets out a heavy breath. "She doesn't hate you, Yuj. Look, maybe you guys started off on the wrong foot so now's your chance to change that."
"Ugh. I hate it when you make sense."
Kazuha chuckles, "A loser, really. Now, come on." And Yujin finally lets her drag her towards Wonyoung.
"Wonyoung!" Kazuha greets, tapping on the girl's shoulder. Wonyoung looks up and smiles sweetly when she sees Kazuha.
"Hey, Zuha." Wonyoung greets back, then she sees Yujin beside her, "Hello to you too, An Yujin."
"H-Hey." Yujin replies, nervously taking a sip from her cup.
No one says anything for a moment, an air of awkwardness about to rain down on them.
"How're you? Sakura said you had your midterm evaluations?" Kazuha asks, happily starting a conversation just to ease the awkwardness. Wonyoung perks up, "Oh, yeah. Fortunately, it went well."
"That's great. What did you perform?" Kazuha continues casually. Yujin, feeling invisible, begins to beg the hardwood floor to swallow her up just so she could get away.
"A short routine from Hamilton. It's one of my favorite plays."
Kazuha nudges Yujin, making the girl grunt at the impact. She hits Kazuha back, making the latter glare at her before they both smile clumsily at Yujin.
"Really? Mine's Phantom of the Opera." Yujin begins, clearing her throat.
That piques Wonyoung's interest, "Really? Didn't peg you for the classical type."
"Oh, I'm not. It just sort of holds a special place in my heart." Yujin replies, "I like the West Side Story as well."
"West Side Story? I like that too." Wonyoung says, smiling despite herself.
"Cool. You like musicals. I like that sometimes too. So, what do you say? Friends?" Yujin says before she could stop herself; Yujin babbles when she's nervous and she absolutely hates it when she does.
"What?" Wonyoung retorts, lifting an eyebrow.
"Friends? What do you say? Will you be the swan to my lake?" Yujin responds, finishing with a nervous laugh.
She knows she fumbled the bag based on the way Wonyoung drops her brow and straightens her posture. "I don't like stagnant water," she deadpans before turning to Kazuha to bid her goodbye, "I'll see you around, Zuha." They both watch her leave and disappear into the crowd.
"Well, uh, that went terrible." Kazuha mutters. Yujin stares at the group of people Wonyoung has disappeared into, brows furrowed.
"I told you she hates me."
"I still don't think she does."
"Well, she does. I don't even know what the hell I did before for her to be annoyed with me that much." Yujin exclaims, frustration evident.
"Mayb —"
"Screw this. I'm gonna ask her what her problem is with me."
Yujin doesn't bother listening to Kazuha's response and she chases after Wonyoung as fast as her feet could take her. She pushes against the small crowd of people in the middle of the room and through the open door, she sees Wonyoung on the swing set outside Minji's yard.
Yujin marches outside and across the lawn.
"Wonyoung," she says when she reaches her. The girl turns around and faces her, shoulders slumping down when she sees who it was.
"Yujin," she replies curtly, turning away again and continuing to swing slowly. Yujin sits on the swing beside her.
Fuck it.
"What's your problem with me?" she blurts out.
"What do you mean?" Wonyoung says, looking far away into the street.
Yujin grumbles in frustration, "Did I do something wrong? Because you're snippy and rude to me and I'm fine with that if I wronged you in some way, but I honestly do not fucking remember."
"I'm not really a big fan of girls with egos bigger than her heads," the other girl replies simply.
That takes Yujin aback, "I do not have a big ego."
Wonyoung throws her a glance, "Right."
Yujin laughs, realizing something, "Wait. Did you get that from the way I talked to Minji? Because that was nothing, we just joke around like that."
Wonyoung sighs, "I know. But by the time I realized that, I'd already given you the stink eye and it was too late."
Yujin begins to swing back and forth slowly, mimicking what Wonyoung was doing, "You didn't have to act like I was the most annoying person in the world, though."
"You are a little annoying," Wonyoung jokes, shrugging noncommittally. Yujin gasps and stops swinging, she looks at Wonyoung with an unbelieving expression painted on her face.
"Excuse me, people think I'm a delight," she argues, hand on her heart. Her dramatic actions make Wonyoung laugh and Yujin immediately feels a surge of happiness rise inside her.
"Do they?" Wonyoung asks, amused, now looking at Yujin as she stops swinging as well.
Yujin nods, "Oh, yes they do. I'm smart, funny, and humble. Honestly, what is not to like?"
Wonyoung scrunches her face, and Yujin thinks it's adorable, "Really? The last sentence kinda fucked it up for you, humble queen."
This makes Yujin laugh loudly, "Well, you'd know if you actually tried to get to know me rather than give me the stink eye every time we see each other."
"Yeah, you're actually right. I'm sorry, by the way," Wonyoung murmurs, "I should have been more approachable or something."
"Well, we can always start over." Yujin tells her, smiling softly, "What do you think about lunch tomorrow?"
Wonyoung looks at her incredulously, amused at how she easily turned things around, "You're ridiculous."
"That's a weird way to say no." Yujin says with a pout.
"I'm glad you know it's a no," Wonyoung replies airily, a smirk painted on her beautiful face.
"Huh. Not used to hearing that word." Yujin says slowly, faking contemplation.
"There's a first time for everything," the younger girl replies, shrugging noncommittally.
Yujin looks at her, amusement evident in her face. "Come on, Wonyoung. Let's have lunch together tomorrow."
Wonyoung rolls her eyes at Yujin but agrees anyway.
--
Now
Chaewon decides to spend the night alone in the hotel room. She washes up and slips on a clean oversized shirt and puts on one of her pink pajama pants that always made her feel warm. Chaewon realizes that the shirt she was wearing used to belong to Yunjin. She smiles sadly as she stares at the Sailor Moon print, looking at it makes her heart feel heavy. Even back then, she used to wear it whenever she felt terrible, or sick, or just plain sad. And when she left for Japan, Chaewon wore it to make her feel less alone; she wore it to feel better when she missed Seoul, when she missed Yunjin. Now, it just reminded her how broken things were, how she's starting to realize that the relationship between her and Yunjin was already too shattered to be fixed.
She shakes her head, refusing to think about it again. And with a deep breath, Chaewon goes out of the bathroom and prepares for her night alone. She plops down the fluffy bed and wraps the duvet around herself. She reaches for her phone and pulls up Youtube so she could watch random videos to take her mind off the fact that she was probably going to die alone after all this. She comes across a video of a Le Sserafim interview, she clicks on it and realizes it was the first interview the band had after Chaewon left. Despite that she lets it load anyway like the true masochist that she was.
The band was on a couch while the host sat on the chair opposite of them. The members were dressed in variations of black and white clothes, she knew they were going for solemn and serious. Chaewon laughs miserably at this, it was as if they were mourning, as if someone had died. Part of her wishes it were true, part of her wishes that it was her.
"So, ladies. I see that you're missing one person here today. Where's Chaewon?" the interviewer asks, leaning towards the members, acting curious and interested in what they had to say. Chaewon's actually a little astonished at how the host didn't beat around the bush and just hit them where it hurt.
She hears Sakura clear her throat, fixing a smile before answering, "Chaewon's on a vacation of sorts. She needed some rest. We miss her already though."
Chaewon feels grateful, even in her absence Sakura still protected her, protected the band.
The interviewer nods, giving time for the audience to absorb the answer before he threw another shot at them, "A vacation, huh? That's got to be fun, right? Why didn't you guys go with her?"
This time it was Kazuha who speaks up, "She needed it more than we did." Chaewon watches her force a small smile after she answered.
"Understandable. But why am I hearing reports saying she's left the band already?"
Sakura, smile still in pace, answers him, "Her much needed rest might take a very long time so she, um, she decided to leave the band."
There were gasps from the studio audience, and hearing those takes Chaewon back to that very same day. Her phone was blowing up with notifications from fans and antis alike, there were calls from her friends in the industry, and Chaewon ignored them all. She shuts her eyes, wanting to forget that and the pain that came along with it.
"And you guys are okay with that?" the interview asks them.
"We are. We respect her decision," Eunchae responds through her gritted teeth.
"That's good to know. You guys really have a tight friendship, huh?" the host notes before turning to Yunjin, who was looking like she was spacing out and was staying silent the whole time, "Speaking of tight relationships, Yunjin, how does it feel now that Chaewon's not here?"
Yunjin blinks, snapping back to reality, "Um, I'm sorry. What was the question again?" she asks with a nervous chuckle.
"You were the closest to her since, well, since she's your wife. So, how does it feel that Chaewon's not here?"
Yunjin pauses, Chaewon sees Yunjin balls her fist around a couch pillow.
"I honestly just want to talk about our new music," Yunjin finally replies, a polite smile on her tired face.
"Oh, of course. One last thing though, is it true that you two were about to get divorced before she left? Is that the real reason why she needed a 'vacation'?" the interviewer presses, fully knowing what he was doing.
Chaewon feels anger bubble up inside her, she's angry at how ruthless the host was, at how he could do that to Yunjin while not even pretending to look guilty. She sees Yunjin start to tear up despite the smile plastered on her face. It doesn't take her long to start crying during the broadcast. Kazuha rubs her back as Sakura waves for Yujin, asking her if it was okay to cut the live broadcast.
Chaewon finds herself tearing up as well as she watches the scene unfold in its digital copy; she'd seen another reminder of what a horrible state she's left everyone in, Yunjin most especially.
As she closes the video and turns her phone off, she hears a knock. Chaewon grumbles but makes an effort to wipe away her tears before getting up and answering, thinking that it might be a hotel employee.
"Coming," she calls out.
There was another knock, quick and impatient. It somehow irks her because after the couple of days she's had, she really wasn't in the mood to deal with other people's tantrums.
"Jesus, wait —" she begins to complain as she twists the knob and opens the door but the words fall away from her lips when she sees who it was
"Chaewon." Yunjin says plainly. She's standing there, like she did the night before, and although there were no tears, no smell of alcohol, no signs of distress, Chaewon knows this would lead to them making another mistake. She swallows, thinking about how her heart cannot handle any kind of hurtful confrontation for the second time that day.
"Yunjin." Chaewon replies curtly.
"Isn't that my shirt?" Yunjin asks, pointing to the shirt Chaewon was wearing. Chaewon moves behind the door, a lame attempt to cover it.
"What are you doing here?" she fires back, ignoring what Yunjin had just asked. The pink haired girl in front of her sighs, "I came here to apologize."
Chaewon looks at her confused, brows knit together. "For what?"
"For last night. And during lunch. I'm sorry."
"It's ok—" Chaewon begins to say, thinking about how broken Yunjin looked in the video, but Yunjin cuts her off.
"No, Chaewon. It's not. We — we aren't together anymore, so don't lie to protect my feelings."
"I—okay. Is that all?" Chaewon asks, desperate to hide under her covers and never come out.
"I missed you," the girl tells her, looking down at her feet, "I wasn't lying when I said that last night."
Chaewon nods, biting her lower lip to keep herself from bawling like a baby, "I know, Yunjinnie. I missed you too."
"It's, I don't know, Chaewon, everything's really fucking confusing for me right now. I — I missed you so much but even if I did, I don't think it's enough to save this." Yunjin continues, hoarse and frustrated.
"Don't you want to try, though? I—I still want to, Yunjin. That's why I came back here."
Yunjin shakes her head, "No, Chaewon. I can't. And I don't want to talk about it tonight."
"Okay. What else are you here for then, Jen?"
"I don't want to sleep alone tonight." Yunjin says, voice just above a whisper. She looks up at her, and Chaewon immediately gets what the girl was implying.
"Good thing my bed's big enough for the two of us, am I right?" Chaewon replies lightheartedly, opening the door wider.
Yunjin gives her a small smile and steps inside.
--
They don't do anything else for the rest of the night, except cuddle and have their arms wrapped around each other. It was silent save for the soft hum of the air-conditioning unit inside the room. It reminded Chaewon of a better time, when they were young and in love and invincible. It reminded Yunjin of the pain, the anger, and all the things that were broken in the wake of their relationship. Either way, it hurt the both of them but it was better than being alone.
At least for that night.
"Chaewon," Yunjin whispers, head on top of Chaewon's chest, pulling the girl closer.
"Hm?" Chaewon answers, rubbing Yunjin's back gently.
"Did you feel better when you left?"
"No. It made it worse, Jen."
"How so?"
"It just filled me with regret and it just made me feel lonely. "
Yunjin is silent for a while that Chaewon thinks she's fallen asleep but her soft hum tells her otherwise. Chaewon lets the silence stir.
"Okay." Yunjin replies after a while.
"How about you though? Did you feel better when I left?"
Yunjin clutches her closer, "No."
"I'm sorry, Yunjin." Chaewon utters, remorseful and quiet, "I love you," she murmurs, pressing a soft kiss on top of Yunjin's head. She knew nothing was going to come, she knew it was stupid to even hope for it. But she waits anyway.
"Good night, Chaewon." is all what Yunjin says.
"Good night."
Chaewon holds Yunjin close. She doesn't know if Yunjin's actually asleep but she doesn't bother her, instead, she lets them both sit in the stillness.
"I love you," she whispers again, and for the second time Chaewon pretends Yunjin says it back.
---
There's a time that I remember
When I did not know no pain
When I believed in forever
And everything would stay the same...