Give me a list of all the wicked people in the world, and I bet you that I have them beat.
Some sin by not believing in the Lord.
I do worse.
I believe, yet fall into the world. I sin and stumble and fall. I easily trip into Satan's temptations and indulge in them.
The things I do that I enjoy for the time being and then end up regretting later. Then it repeats. An unbreaking cycle of disaster.
I'm the worst among all of the wicked people before me because I take granted the blood of Jesus. And it seems to be something I can't stop.
Every day, a new struggle. Or a new version of the same old ones.
My mind is like quicksand. Once the temptation gets me in far enough, there's no way out. Panicking makes it worse. And ignorance is what gets me there.
I'm afraid because I feel my prayers aren't fervent. My deepest fear that I hate to admit, is that I don't want to let this thing go. I've been a slave for it for so long, that a world without my imagination is a boring one. An unknown and odd universe.
My mind traps me with this evil.
My prayers don't seem enough, and I don't have the faith of others to step up. It makes me want to cry.
It's not that I don't want to come back home to the Lord, to be who He wants me to be. Or to reach the goal I may see for myself.
It's that I don't deserve to come home. I know nobody deserves His grace, but I'm the greatest example.
God has shown His faithfulness while I showed my unfaithfulness. He has shown His wisdom to my ignorance. He has shown love and mercy, while I gave no cares. He has never stopped being Someone to fear, but I became too familiar with Him and lost my zeal and reverence.
And that's the problem. Through all my struggles, He has been good. He has broken chains, answered my prayers, performed miracles and sent His Son to die for me.
And here I am, drifting and struggling. My eyes continue to fall from Him as they get seduced by Satan. I hate it. I hate myself and who I am in my sin. But I can't go back home because He deserves better.
God doesn't deserve to be treated this way. He deserves better than me. I can't play an imposter, coming back to Him and trying to act better. Because I'm not. I'm evil.
God gave grace to those of Ninevah because they repented and humbled themselves. Even if I did these things as they did, I'm still a thousand times worse.
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Although, I had some time to think and I feel a bit better. Confessing my sins and my feelings are a good start. Showing godly sorrow is even better.
I want to come home, but I'm afraid. I want to stand unashamed before Him at His coming. I want to look forward to the day, not be in fear of what'll happen to me.
I want to stop self-sabotaging myself and get back to growing in Him.
Lord help me. Give me the strength. Break these chains and thoughts and help me resist the devil, so he'll flee. Help me draw near to You, so You'll draw near to me.
Help me be faithful and upright before You. Humble me and help me, Lord Jesus. My King. Bring me back to You. Keep me safe in Your wings. Install reverence for You back into my soul. Holy Spirit, guide me in the right direction.
Amen.