There was a part of me that could not allow myself to shut off through sleep.
Through the darkness of night, all I could feel was dread. The fear of that one moment I could be here and clean, the next smothered in blood from head to toe with a mess of bodies around me. The stench, the sensation, it lingered on me tattooed into my bones and it held me back. Usually slumber could be an escape, a break away from the family but now as I stared at the outline of the door feeling my eyes sting in protest. My nails dug into the flesh of my arms, my chest rising and falling making its own melody like a hypnotic lullabye. I couldn't give in. My body hurt, my heart split but as I lay still I told myself to think of anything to try to keep a grip of things. It felt impossible. Each second that ticked away into the abyss was another into the unknown and I didn't want to risk it.
At my side, Tex slept soundlessly having fortunately turned away from having his arm clamped on my side. I thought of smothering him there as I had done so many times. Usually I was cuffed when beside him, he didn't trust me and rightfully so. This time was different though, this was more knowing that no matter how much I willed it, my body wasn't ready to move no matter how much I desired to.
Physically he had broken me.
"One day." I whispered to myself longingly. I hadn't even considered what came after escaping this house anymore. It was more what led up to the freedom and making sure that they could never follow where I tread. It was a fantasy that gave me joy, as much of it as I could get anyway. To truly get away and stay away, it would come with a body count with or without Heather being included. Tex, Junior, Alfredo and Tinker. They were the biggest threat. Mama could be evaded with stealth but that was something I did not currently have, my leg wouldn't allow me to stand let alone run. It made me frown to myself deeply, time luckily was not of the essence. I had accepted my prison for the most part but there was no denying that the thought of the family suffering though gave me some enjoyment or what was left of such an emotion.
Through the peace that came with most of the family seemingly asleep, I could hear the same thudding rhythm followed by the occasional grunt which showed that Alfredo was making the most of his new lady friend.
I pinched myself harder, breaking through the swollen skin of the bruises. The blood was a relief along with a pain that I was in control of and not a victim to. It made me dig them in deeper, a soft breath leaving my lips as I guided my nails deeper. I traced them down the length of my scarred wrists, following the light blue trail and biting against my healing lips in order to keep in the moan that came out as a reaction. The rest of my arm felt heavy and numb, willing to relent but along my wrist was a distraction enough. Watching the trail as red droplets spiralled along my flesh, I closed my eyes and inhaled like one would a drag. The air entered my nose and gave me the sensation of fresh air. The toes of my more mobile leg curled as I did, the world feeling lighter beneath me.
Until something breathed back.
My body jolted like electric, pain rippling before fading as my body protested from the sudden movement. Forcing my eyes open, I tried to take in the room and my surroundings instead just standing on the sand beside a long and familiar looking road, trees cascading the area. Taking a fleeting glimpse of my arm I immediately noticed the absence of scars and discolouration. Instead the skin was pale and adorned with a familiar beaded bracelet of multiple colours. Who had given me it was a memory long since gone. Flexing my arm, I took in the movement before doing the same with my injured leg that looked completely healed. Grimacing to myself I came to the conclusion that despite my efforts I had fallen asleep. Sighing at my failure, I nodded, simply accepting the situation for what it was. If anything I was grateful to be free from agony, temporarily away from the Sawyers and for the peace that came with it. The air was silent, the trees still as if being frozen inside a photograph. I tested the ground with my feet nudging the sand with the tip of my boot watching as the grains separated at the impact.
Stepping forwards, I started up the road which came with no other sight to see. The further I moved, the more things remained the same. Tucking strands of auburn hair behind my ear, I tried to detect any source of the air from before which seemed absent now. Realising I was making no progress walking forwards, I frowned to myself inhaling and closing my eyes.
There was an exhale again. The soft, warm breath gracing my skin and catching me off guard jumping backwards and peeling my eyelids apart to look at the woman before me. From the scar on her face to the bruised body I recognised her easily, an exact copy of myself standing like a statue. From her auburn strands, blood started to run down the corners of her face forming a rim as it connected to the forehead. It trickled down quickly, staining her head to toe until her nude body was fully coated in a sheet of red. I couldn't look away and neither did they. They remained staring with wide green eyes in a constant state of shock or bewilderment. I stepped backwards as a puddle began to form and spread from her feet and as I did, the copy also did the same. It was darkening behind her figure, the trees beginning to be lost as the shadows grew in intensity swallowing them whole. This time she stepped back at her own accord, her head now hanging against her shoulder. My head pulled down out of my control, my heartbeat quickening as against my will, my body moved backwards until I was mirroring.
The darkness spread across from the border which had been there previously and onto my side. The sun was devoured, the Texas heat being replaced with a cold chill. I kept my eyes on the woman ahead whose blood trickling face split into a wide and malicious grin. The muscles in my face pulled until I was sure my expression matched hers.
"Lori, Lori." Her voice called, a mechanical twang in her throat. It was almost like Mama's only cause being more obvious at the bruising that rested along her neck. It was something I noticed when I first took her in and even if she was painted in a deep red, it was still affecting her or rather it.
"You're not the first nightmare I've had." I informed her trying to compose myself. Her lips opened and closed speechlessly as if speaking the same words in sync. As much as I tried to block it out, it gave me the creeps. I refused to make it so obvious. The rising and falling of my chest would be a giveaway that I failed to do so had she been as close as she had previously been. "You won't be the last." Each day was a living nightmare yet there was something unnerving about being faced with myself dyed in blood and continuing to drip. Her drenched hair clung to her face, the downpour at her feet continued to soak the ground as it came closer determined to take me down with it. I could not move at my own accord, trapped in the stance she remained in.
The first break came with the cracking of bone, my shoulder going limp as I cried out. Through the blood I could see the collarbone bulging. Next the wrist turned and clicked. Now it was a struggle to hold back the tears which I had been holding in.
"Yackedy yack, don't talk back." The clone scolded with a malevolent grin. I flinched from more than the injuries as my leg crumbled, sending me down. Blood splashed against my elbow and my face, the substance far deeper than it first appeared. Grunting from the pain, I felt my other leg join it in the breaking from the knee down. Tears streamed down my face, unable to keep it in. It sent me flat on my front, lifting my head. I spat out the blood which filled my mouth on impact, the strong copper taste lingering on my tongue. I tried to blink it out of my left eye which only saw red, the other focused on the person laying opposite to me in the same position. "Don't talk back." They repeated.
"Fuck you." It was all I could manage, the pain couldn't be stifled, the agony wasn't disguised as I shouted out at the smallest movement. It had the domino effect spreading throughout my broken limbs. Her face stretched and contorted to give a wide smile, this one more cruel and sadistic feeding on the pleasure of my misery. It only lit my fire to try and keep myself together. I pushed on my good hand trying to move from a more submissive posture.
The ground sunk beneath me, the sight of red all around, the strong scent and taste of iron returning as the red stream dragged me down below and away from her. I blinked but still nothing but scarlet.
"Lori, Lori." The mechanical voice chimed somewhere in the distance, the echo trying to lure me only deeper. I had no choice, I allowed myself to be submerged through the endless red sea. There was nowhere to go but down, my body wouldn't allow myself to swim up. "Don't talk back."
I struggled to breathe. Gasping I tried to sit up or move, my body rising with little difficulty as I lifted my head. The familiar sight of Tex's room was the first thing I saw albeit it being tidier than before. Panic installed inside me, the thought of how many hours I had been laying unsuspecting beside him. Turning my head, I noticed the fact that I wasn't hurting or aching as much and it made me panic. My chest heaved and tightened, the need to be sick filling my stomach with uncomfortable groans as I lifted the covers from my leg with little effort.
"How long does it take a broken leg to heal?" I dreaded to question, the distinctive marks of the breakage no longer visible. The anxiety worsened as I adjusted myself to move. I was alone in the room, uncuffed...I bit my lip, there was no swelling, no wound, nothing other than minor dryness. "Roughly six months..." I answered for myself, give or take a month or two. Pushing myself to the side, I tested the possibility of it being healed, the sole of my foot pressing against the carpet. My instep was higher, perhaps from shifting the pain while healing as I steadied myself. There was only an ache, not hot white torture. "Six months..." I bent at my knee, still only a niggle. "Six fucking months." My body shook violently at the truth which rested in me. Stumbling as I moved, I wasted no time heading over to the window and pulling at the handle which refused to budge. It seemed as if whatever was going on that the family was still sceptical. My fists clenched and trembled, my scarred fingers vibrating as I clenched my teeth trying to contain the urge to scream. My reflection stared back at me and I wasted no time reacting with a fist.
I cried out as it refused to shatter or crack, my knuckles darkening as I cursed my own stupidity and volume.
The stairs creaked in warning of someone approaching, a familiar blonde being seen only a moment later. Tex stood in the doorway, leaning against the wall and folding his arms with a gleeful grin.
"Should I guess who?" He asked simply, blue eyes glinting with glee under the peering sun. "Judging by the noise and little escape attempt, I can reckon I know." I glowered back at his jovial behaviour, the way he turned this crisis into his pleasure. "We've not played for a while sweetheart."
"Not starting now." I replied slowly holding my injured hand as it throbbed.
"Now don't say that honey, I've missed you. Not that I don't mind you being good to me." Tex pouted, "you don't know what you've missed out on. Don't you wanna know?"
"No." It was the truth, the reality I was sure would be as red as the abyss I had found myself drowning in previously. I almost wanted to return there but I had fought so hard to be free as well. It was a contradiction and as I steadied myself where I stood from the opposite side of the room, I slit my eyes at him. Only one question stuck in my brain, the only thing or person that mattered to me through this whole idea. "Is Brittany alive?" I asked reluctantly.
"Well of course she is, we don't kill women when they're with child, Lori. We ain't monsters." I scoffed at his response, how he tried to look angelic as he said it with a tilted head.
"The fact she is makes you monsters." Rage rushed through me, my pulse quickening at what she had already endured and likely still was at the hands of the Sawyers and more in particular Junior. He was in many ways a child, not able to treat anyone with delicacy. It was more ripping the wings off butterflies. In some ways he was more dangerous than the other family members having brute strength on his side and she was petite.
"I suppose you got me there." I lowered my arm, trying to subtly brush against my stomach feeling almost euphoric at the fact there was no bulge or swelling to suggest that I was the same. "Not that I'm the one to blame for that."
"Anytime you want to replace me will be fine."
"You don't need to worry about that." He reassured me with a wink. My nose wrinkled at the fact that he seemed so certain, so sure. A grimace soon followed as he pushed away from the wall, his arms still folded loosely. "You know, we don't need to fight all the time."
Despite how much he tried to sell his reluctance, it was crystal clear that he wouldn't mind one but my hand still throbbed, my head felt splintered trying to bring some clarity and acceptance that zoning out was becoming a habit once again. Only now each time seemed to be longer, days laced into months which was past my comprehension. I had tried to be brave, to fight it but courage clearly was not the problem. Nor was being determined. Somehow they still got through and gained control. "Let's make up for lost time."
"Let's not and say we didn't." I argued back cautiously as he stepped closer. Holding up his hands to signal that he meant no harm, he instead settled on the edge of the bed and patted the space next to him. I remained where I was not wanting to be any closer.
"Still don't trust me honey?"
"I'd trust a snake more."
"I suppose that's fair enough." He cackled back, seizing his hand from beckoning me. Slowly instead he propped himself up on his elbows, his legs spread as he got comfortable but kept his eyes on me intently suspecting I could and would take advantage of his guard being down. "You want to see her, don'tcha?" I inhaled and shifted from leg to leg.
"Meaning you have terms?" I assumed. I flexed my scarred fingers, twinging from the window injury. It was one thing to taunt me by using the redhead for a game but to have conditions? It made me uneasy. Emotional blackmail was something he had done before and it didn't fare well for me then so I could only guess this would be much the same.
"Not quite." His tongue traced his teeth thoughtfully. "You could just say please." We exchanged a sceptical look for a few silent seconds in silence before he exhaled. "Hell, it was worth a try."
"It wasn't." I replied as he laughed again.
"Or you could show me I can trust you. Can do whatever I tell you to, we had fun last time."
"We didn't and I'd rather say please." I sneered spitefully. Tex just nodded his head.
"Go on then." He challenged. There was no denying that the older man was complacent in my misery, he straightened up cupping his chin. "Of course I'm gonna have to tie you up a little. To be safe." I stared at him, he blinked back as I mauled over his offer. It was one word but the idea of saying it almost made my mouth turn into acid. My tongue burning in retaliation and not wanting to be civil to the cowboy in any way. My mind focused on Brittany though, her hopeless situation and the fact she had found solace in me once. It discouraged me from flipping him off, he could be manipulating me but it was also possible that he was being honest. Sure he no doubt had his own incentive and reasons but it was one word. I bit my lip, applying pressure to it and trying to weigh my pros and cons as he sat patiently. It was bizarre to see him in such a way, I refused to look into the matter however. I did not care if he was under the weather, his suffering was my thrill as well as poetic karma. I inhaled deeply before releasing the breath. It was hard not to be petty, that could wait for another time.
"Please." I choked out with difficulty turning my head away.
"Sorry?" Tex pressed coyly. "Couldn't hear you from there honey." I lifted my head, rolling my eyes as I did as I mustered willpower to repeat the word which tainted my tongue.
"Please."
"Please what?"
"Oh screw you." I told him. I was exhausted despite how much time had passed. It felt like only moments ago I had been in bed with shattered bones and open wounds. Tex chuckled and got to his feet.
"I heard ya, hold your horses."
"Then don't fuck with me." I said frustrated. He shrugged insincerely before raising a finger and turning it while heading to the bedside drawer. Grudgingly I faced the window once more as he raised for what he was looking for.
"Hands behind your back. I've seen what you can do little lady."
"Probably more than I have." I admitted intently looking at my reflection daring it to move out of sync or appear in some way different. There was nothing obvious to prove it was simply me. The world was a distant memory, the faces and voices I had gathered in my memories being barely anything. I remembered being loved and loving someone but their name and face no longer rested in my brain. It was like a rubbed out drawing, somewhere in my subconscious they surely remained but at this moment, there was nothing. No outline, no scent, eye and hair colour an enigma that I would have an answer to while I lingered here. Tex clicked his tongue as my wrists pressed against one another before his fingers laced in my hair yanking the strands down so my body arched against him. "You best behave yourself now little lady." He warned in my ear, his voice moistening the skin as I grimaced from his touch. Still, I was willing to do what it took to know that Brittany was in one piece. "Be nice and good things will follow."
"There's no good with you." I bit back bitterly.