I see her across the room and her cherry red hair is swishing around while shes dancing. I smile and she catches me staring. I walk up to her and dance. " you look hot." She whispers in my ear. I blush but she cant see it because the lights are flashing purple.
" your a good dancer." I say, she smirks and grabs my hand. She swirls me around and we dance together, shes grabbing my waist and her hands travel up to my neck, she kisses the skin on my neck.
" morning." She says. " huh? What?" I ask back. Her face fades away and im in my room, matts arms are around me and he groans into the pillow. That was a dream? Why was i dreaming about girls when my boyfriend was in my bed next to me. What?
" you okay?" He asks, i nod and stretched. " yep, just hungry." I say. I slide into a hoodie and matt falls back to sleep, my stomach lunges every time i remember my dream.
Im perfectly fine with matt. I like him. Yeah. I like him?
A week later...
Ive had dreams about different girls every week. I cant get them out my head. Every time i see June Celina in our grade my stomach lunges and i freak out that im making everything so obvious.
At lunch im eating alone until the triplets slide into the bench. " wanna come over tonight, my mom is making lasagne." I ask. Matt smiles. " hell yeah, i love her food." He says, he puts an arm around me and i lean my head on his shoulder.
Later that night im setting the table up for dinner when the bell rings, my ears prick up and i open the door, matts in his jeans and a hoodie and he has a huge smile plastered on his face. He kisses me and walks past me. " Mmmh, smells so good." He says and my mom gets the food out the oven. She serves it with salad and garlic bread.
Im sat at the table picking at my food, i cant help but think when me and matt used to start dating he would give me butterflies but now i rarely get butterflies and it makes me upset, because he's still the same boy i fell in love with. He's still my matt. But im not the same as i was. Ive changed.
After dinner me and matt head up to my room to watch a movie. He lays next to me and i lean on his shoulder and kiss his neck. My stomach used to twist when i kissed matt but know i dont feel anything.
He leans closer and tugs me into him by my waist and kisses me harder, my hands grip his torso and his hands travel up to my neck and he kisses me.
I pull back and laugh awkwardly. " your so hot." He whispers in my ear and i smile, he goes to kiss me and i move my head so his lips land on my cheek. " your not so bad yourself." I smirk and he laughs. We carry on watching the movie and when its done i see he's asleep. Tears spring to my eyes looking at him so serene.
I wake him up and he leaves for his house. I flop onto my bed and start to cry. I want to love him but i cant help but question myself. Do i like girls? No. I cant, i love matt.
I fall asleep and dream about the hot girl in our year that I've been thinking about all week. I have to tell matt.
The next day...
" i need to talk to you." I say on the phone to matt. Im in my room in my pyjamas with my book open on my chest. " okay, want me to come over or can you tell me on the phone?" He asks. " umm we could meet at the diner?" I say. He agrees and i change into a hoodie and sweatpants.
I grab my phone and keys and drive to the diner. I walk in and he's already at a table with a cup of coffee. I sit down and he pours some coffee into a mug for me. " so you okay?" He asks.
" um nope. Actually. Ive been having a tough few weeks." I say, he tilts his head and reaches his hands out. I cant take them knowing that im going to break his heart.
" im having a bit of a crisis. I think im gay." I rush out. His face softens and he puts his hands back on his lap. " um. Okay, i mean thats great." He stutters.
" i really like you but i dont love you in that way." I say. " i hate myself." I say. He shakes his head. " dont hate yourself, your you and you cant stop it so dont try to." He says. " i dont want to be gay. I want to be with you. I like you." I start to tear up.
" its okay. Im sorry i cant really help you but i will be there for you." He says. He smiles and we sit there in silence. " why aren't you mad?" I ask. " i dont know." He says. " i was waiting for you to be mad at me." I laugh awkwardly.
" i gotta go." He says. He pauses and then gets up. He goes to kiss my cheek but then decides against it. He claps a hand on my shoulder and leaves. I cry to myself and then when i see his car leave the parking lot i leave. I just did that.
I get home and just get into bed. I open matts contact and message him im sorry. I throw my phone far away. Im gay. I hate who i am.
I fall asleep and the next day i stay home from school and then it all hits me. I have to tell people, i have to come out. Maybe if i sleep it off i can just out sleep all this shit.
A/n: getting a bit personal but im gonna do an update sorta chapter??? So yeahh. If anyone needs to talk im here!