"What?!"
The same question echoed all around the room, as everyone stared at Zhenghuan in disbelief, Zi-ning included. Had she heard him wrong? Even while she knew that he had skin as thick as cow's hide, she could not comprehend how he could have said something so incredulous in front of everyone, including his own adoptive mother.
"Zhenghuan-ge, you are joking right?" Enling asked, her eyes having widened in the shape of saucers.
"Zhenghuan, what are you saying? Marriage is not something that should be taken so lightly," Lady Du chided, looking equally taken aback by this statement.
"If I wasn't being serious, then I wouldn't be saying it," Zhenghuan replied calmly. He turned and looked straight at her, and she instinctively averted her gaze. Addressing Lady Du once more, he said, "I would have preferred to have raised this on a different occasion, but since it has come to this, then I suppose there's no harm in making my intentions clear now. I intend to propose marriage to Zi-ning, so if I would appreciate if you could help to make the necessary arrangements. If the General and yourself are unable to make the journey to the capital, then we could get Lady Li to assist with making the betrothal request to Minister Han."
"You can't do that!" Enling shot out of her chair, rushing to Zhenghuan's side. "You can't marry a girl like her, Cousin! She was kidnapped by bandits. She's not clean!"
Zhenghuan shot her a frosty glare, forcing Enling to back two steps away. "I was the one who found Zi-ning, so I am perfectly clear what happened and what didn't happen. If you are to spread such awful rumours again, then don't blame me for taking you to task, Enling."
"Zhenghuan... Do you mean that? Do you really mean to marry Zi-ning?" This time, the question came from Yu Zixi, whose clenched fists were trembling upon her lap.
"I'm sure we can discuss this further," Lady Du interrupted, wringing her silk handkerchief worriedly. "So much has happened in the span of a morning. I think everyone needs to take some time to calm themselves down and think things through, then we can talk about this some more when the General returns. There's no need to rush into any hasty decisions. Zixi, why don't you head home first and get some rest? There's nothing to worry about, nothing will change about the engagement between our families."
Zi-ning wanted nothing more than to dig a hole in the ground and bury her head in it. Even if he wanted to defend her against Enling's accusations, surely there was no need to go to such extremes? It was impossible for him to truly intend to marry her... right? A memory floated to mind, of how Zhenghuan had made this same joke on their way back from the River Immortal's valley. He had admitted that he hadn't been serious then.
"I never agreed to that engagement," Zhenghuan said. He stood up and turned to Zixi, then he bowed. "Zixi, I should have made this clear to everyone earlier on, instead of letting this misunderstanding continue on, and for that I apologise. I know that there has been an informal agreement on this engagement between the two families, but this is not my intention. You deserve someone who can give you happiness, Zixi, and that person is not me."
Zixi stared at him in seeming shock, tears starting to well up in her eyes. Then, she got up and fled, running out of the hall.
"Zhenghuan!" Lady Du raised her voice, her face reddening with anger and embarrassment. "You will go and apologise to Zixi at once! How could you say those things? Don't you know that the entire town already knows that Zixi is betrothed to you? If you cancel the engagement, how do you expect her to live? Her reputation and marriage prospects will be ruined!"
"You can't cancel an engagement that did not exist in the first place," Zhenghuan retorted. "Haven't I I've already said this to you several times? That I have no intention to marry Zixi? And I don't see how this will affect Zixi's reputation in any way, given that there was never any written agreement to this engagement, nor has there ever been anything disreputable take place between Zixi and myself."
Enling broke down, collapsing onto the floor and wailing in despair.
"So you're completely serious about this? You want to propose marriage to Han Zi-ning?" Lady Du asked, still seething with irritation. She glanced in Zi-ning's direction with disdain written all over her face.
Zi-ning was not surprised that Lady Du would prefer Yu Zixi as a daughter-in-law instead of her. Zixi was a known quantity, docile and obedient, with an excellent reputation among the noble families, while she was not only a newcomer that they hardly knew anything about, she was also the daughter of a minister and now a princess of the third rank, which meant that she would be much more difficult to control. Mother-in-laws had a tendency to like exerting their dominance over their son's wives, and Lady Du would be no different.
Not that she had any intention of actually marrying Zhenghuan and becoming Lady Du's daughter-in-law.
"How many times do I need to repeat myself before you will understand that I mean what I say?" Zhenghuan replied.
"That's enough," Zi-ning said, rising to her feet. "I believe I should have a say in this, seeing as it concerns me—and my answer is no. I do not agree to this rather sudden proposal of marriage, so there is no need to trouble anyone on this matter any further."
"Zi-ning, I—"
She dropped into a small curtsey and continued, "I am most grateful to you for coming to my aid today, General, but this should end here." She turned to Lady Du and bowed once again. "I apologise for causing this disturbance, Madam. I shall be leaving Anyang to return to the capital within the next few days and I thank you for your hospitality while I've been here."
Without waiting for anyone to respond, Zi-ning left the parlour and headed back to her own guest quarters.
#
Zhenghuan chased after Zi-ning, catching up with her by the lotus pond in front of the guest quarters. He caught hold of her arm and spun her around.
"Zi-ning, wait," he said. "I know this might have caught you by surprise, but I meant every word I said."
"So did I. Lady Du is right. Yu Zixi is a much better fit for you."
"I don't believe that you don't know how I feel, and I don't believe that you don't reciprocate those feelings in the slightest, so why won't you give me a chance? Give us a chance? I know that there are things that you're hiding, and I'm not going to force you to tell me when you're not ready, but whatever it is that you're going through, whatever it is that you're fighting against, I want to be there with you. Will you let me?"
Even he thought that he sounded pathetic right now, but he had to say it all, else he sensed that he would let her slip through his fingers again. Zi-ning was too mysterious, too elusive, like a moonbeam that he didn't trust himself to hold on too. It was almost as if she would disappear and never come back if he so much as blinked an eye.
He placed his hands on her shoulders, staring into her large, clear eyes, waiting for her to reply. This was the first time in his entire life that he had felt this much trepidation flowing through his veins. He had been through countless battles and come face to face with death so many times, but he had never been as scared as he was now. Yes, that was exactly how he felt—scared. Scared that she would say no and push him away, and he would not be able to find her again.
She looked away, and his heart sank.
"Zhenghuan, I'm not the right one for you," she said softly. "I am grateful for everything that you have done for me, but that is all there is. Gratitude. You deserve someone better."
His hands slid back down to his sides.
"Is that true? That you don't feel anything for me except gratitude?"
She nodded, still staring at the lotuses floating upon the pond's surface.
"I don't believe you," he retorted. "If that's true then look me in the eyes and say it again. I dare you to look me in the eyes and tell me that there's nothing more between us."
Zi-ning slowly turned her head, raising her gaze to meet his. "There is nothing more between us," she said. "I'm sorry if I've done anything to make you misunderstand."
Zhenghuan stumbled back. "I understand," he replied. "I am the one who should be saying sorry then, for being too presumptuous."
#
After leaving the Du manor, Zhenghuan wandered aimlessly around the city, trying to make sense of everything that had happened today. At first, he had been angry and upset, then, the anger cooled into disappointment, and the disappointment fizzled into uncertainty.
Something simply wasn't adding up.
To everyone, maybe including Zi-ning, he might have been making the proposal of marriage at a whim, making this reckless decision because he wanted to help give her a roof above her head despite her purportedly ruined reputation. Only he knew that it wasn't true. He had decided that Zi-ning was the only girl he wanted to marry a long time ago, and the reason why he had announced it so suddenly was because he was fairly confident that Zi-ning also reciprocated those feelings.
Even though she often acted as if she didn't care, as if she had a wall of ice built all around her heart, he had noticed the moments when the cracks would appear in her nonchalant façade, when he could detect her true emotions and feeling filtering through. If she truly did not care for him like she claimed, and she held nothing but gratitude towards him, then why would she have been willing to sacrifice herself to protect him from those assassins back in Zhuiya?
"She's lying," he said out loud, stopping in his tracks.
Yes, that was it. Zi-ning was lying.
Lying to him, lying to everyone, maybe even lying to herself.
The gears in his head began to turn. Zi-ning might be convinced that this was the best outcome for everyone, for her to shirk him away so that she could carry out whatever important plans she was hiding inside that opaque mind of hers, but he wasn't going to let her get away like that.
He was going to call her bluff.