Author's Note: I can't say how much Ain't No Crying by Derivakat fits for this. T_T
Next chapter: November 2nd
~ Rivana Rita
He hasn't felt this... energy drained in a while. Not as though it matters how he does or doesn't feel anyway. Anakin knew what it would come to after Sidious captured him, but he hadn't wanted to accept it. He never wanted to believe that it was too late, because... well, he doesn't know, but either way, nothing can change how empty he feels now.
And dirty.
He can't even explain why. He just...
Why did this have to happen?
He doesn't know if he dozed off or not, only that he's abruptly jolted back to full awareness when he senses someone else leaning against the doorway. "Ventress," he greets curtly. He definitely doesn't want to be here when she is here.
"Skywalker," she replies, much too smoothly, "I believe your padawan is quite upset about your final return to this world."
"If you're here to mock me, you can see yourself out," he snaps back, "I defeated Sidious, while all you did was –"
"It was hardly worse than losing an arm," she drawls, "But I believe my master would like to know when you are ready to see him."
"There's nothing to see him for. I held up my end of the deal. Our alliance is over." Why does she have to choose now to talk to him? Anakin glances over at her and does a double take – she's not leaning on the doorway for leisure purposes or to rub it in his face that he's trapped here and she's not; it's because her leg was damaged enough that she can't stand on her own. A look at her with the Force confirms that – she's hiding it well, but Anakin can sense she's not half as comfortable as she's pretending to be.
"We saved your life."
"Ahsoka saved my life."
"My master saved you both," she throws back, "You cannot deny that."
"It is only Ahsoka that I owe for saving me," he insists, stubbornly. He can't be entirely certain about that, but he has no reason to believe anything else. He knows how Sith lie, after all. He's had far too much experience about it.
"Really," she scoffs, "Keep believing that, Jedi."
Any other time, Anakin would've had some sort of comeback, but right now, he doesn't want to do anything at all. It's probably a good thing there's not any weapon in the room – with how he is right now, he'd probably have run it through his heart before he could talk himself down from it. It might be better – it would be better for everyone.
He just killed one of his best friends. He didn't have to. He could've done anything else – he could have done it legally, could've had the courts deal with it. Anakin didn't have to... finish it, especially not like that, because even if he'd have died in a moment, it would've been far beyond excruciating to be burned to nothing by lava.
What did he do?
What has he become?
How does this make him any better than Sidious himself?
He doesn't have anyone to answer those questions.
He doesn't want to know the answers, either.
***
Outside, Ahsoka leans against a railing, staring across the landscape. There's not much to see. They're in a city, one on Separatist soil, and she doesn't exactly know where they are. Dooku never said.
She doesn't know what to... think about everything Anakin told her. It shouldn't be possible.
But remaining in stubborn denial over it won't change how their relationship is going, which is nowhere pleasant. She doesn't even know what to do about it. Ahsoka has never had to worry about relationships having problems, because Jedi don't deal with that. It's some sort of drama that normal citizens deal with, not Jedi. And Ahsoka has absolutely no idea how to begin handling it.
All she does know is that she really just wants to cry. This entire situation is... exhausting.
She doesn't understand why Anakin isn't listening to her or why he's being so stubborn or why... anything. Any of this.
Nor does she understand what's wrong with her. She shouldn't feel on the verge of breaking down for no real reason. What she should be doing is trying to find a way back to Coruscant. Her being on the other side of the galaxy and away from home doesn't mean she's not a Jedi, and she needs to find a way back.
That's where she belongs.
But thinking about it makes her feel lost and... where could she start?
Yes, Ahsoka has been keeping an eye on patrols and weak points, but it doesn't seem like that's going to be enough. Maybe she just... needs reassurance. Which is stupid, because she's a Jedi and shouldn't have to rely on anything so much. All she needs is the Force, and she has it.
She understands why Anakin is struggling with this, but she doesn't really at the same time. It's complicated, and she just... doesn't understand why this has to be so hard. He's supposed to be her master, and he should've let go of the past-her... right?
They couldn't have been that close.
Or maybe she's just thinking based on what they're like now, because she can't imagine it any other way. She much prefers him over Master Obi-Wan, but... he's just very, very hard to deal with sometimes. Especially when he's being so overprotective. She's a Jedi padawan. He doesn't have to treat her like a baby.
Or glass.
She's not breakable.
If only that would make her feel a bit less miserable.
***
Ahsoka comes back a while later, still visibly upset over their argument. She doesn't say anything for a while, just sits beside him, watching. "Now what?" his padawan inquires at long last. "What do we do?"
"Do?" Anakin repeats. His brain must be moving sluggishly, because he has no idea what she's asking.
"Yes."
"About?"
"Leaving?" she replies as if she thinks it's obvious. "We have to get back to the Temple."
Right. That sounds familiar. Anakin makes a quiet noise of acknowledgement. "I don't know. I don't know if they'll be welcoming of me."
"I still don't understand why."
"I don't understand any of this either, Ahsoka. I don't know... what's going on or... anything. I would go back if we could, but I don't know if it's practical. At least not right now. But you're right – we can't stay here, either. We can't stay with the Sith." Even if Anakin is no better than them – he can't put everything at risk like this.
"I know we'll have to wait until you can move, but..."
Ahsoka bites her lip, and for the first time in a long time, Anakin sees the traces of the lost child she truly is. It's easy to forget how young she is, but she's only fourteen now, going on fifteen, and Anakin himself is twenty. Even if his mind is twenty-two, the difference is so slight it matters little.
"We'll work it out," Anakin promises her, "How did you get here?"
"Master Obi-Wan and I came to rescue you after you reached for me. We split up and... I saw the fight. I went to help you. Then Dooku came, and he was going to take you, so I jumped onto his ship to fight him and –"
Anakin doesn't entirely know if he wants to scream or cry more, but instead, he finds himself choking back a laugh. "You tried to fight Count Dooku? Alone?"
"I didn't really have a choice!" she defends.
"I know, Snips. I know, but – did he hurt you?"
"Not really. He brought us both here, and I've been stuck here since. Do you think they're looking for us?"
No. Maybe. "I don't know, Ahsoka. I don't know. We can hope they'll come, but you're right – we can't wait for that."
"So," she asks, twisting around to face him, arms crossed, "What do we do?"
"I don't know." He really, really doesn't. But somewhere. They have to do something. It's unreasonable to think they could end the war from this side, but it feels like he should try. He could never win a fight against Dooku in this condition – especially when Ventress and the droids are also existing problems – and he won't risk Ahsoka like that, either.
They're prisoners, and there's no way out right now. They need... something more.
He feels Ahsoka's soft presence flicker, darkening. She's upset and afraid, and it's his duty to help her.
He's been absorbed in himself long enough. Ahsoka was so, so hurt earlier, and he hates himself for doing that to her.
"Talk to me," he requests gently, reaching a hand towards her. Ahsoka takes it, hesitantly, but her tiny hand curls around the metal of his prosthetic, clinging to him. "Tell me what's upsetting you."
She makes a face, more frustrated than anything else. "You left me, Skyguy. I've already seen you die in my dreams. I know you did before. What if it happened again?"
His heart breaks at the question, the sheer desperation in her voice. He knew she worried about him, but he never really... thought about it? He always assumed. Judged her by the actions of her future self, and it's not fair to her.
Ahsoka never really had a choice but to leave him, no matter how thoroughly it gutted him. Of course, she knew she hurt him, and she regretted it. She cared about him, even if it... wasn't enough? Wasn't... the same? He doesn't know, but it doesn't really matter. Ahsoka's what really matters, in the end.
"I – I'm sorry," he offers quietly, squeezing her hand. She's still clinging to him, desperate, scared. Anakin doesn't even know how to explain this to her, even if he's done it before, has tried too many times over. No time is easier than the previous. "You are my padawan," Anain supplies. "It is my responsibility to protect you, and I will do that in every way I can. I will teach you everything I can, but I – you're not ready yet. Unless it's me who isn't ready, I don't know."
He huffs out a quiet sigh of frustration. "I haven't... thought about what this was doing to you. I never asked. I should've." Of all the things he was angry at Obi-Wan for, this is one of the top on the list, and he was doing all the same things to Ahsoka.
Force. He screwed up so bad this time over. What is he even supposed to do?
"I know nothing I say will fix this," Anakin continues, because that's the truth he knows most of all, perhaps the one truth he knows. "Nothing... anyone does will. But I am sorry, for pushing you out, for acting as though you can't handle this. I feared if I told you, Sidious would... find out, and that he would harm you. The Council gave me orders not to tell you anything about the time travel, and I didn't. Maybe I should have. I don't know."
Ahsoka sniffs faintly, and his eyes jump back to her face, freezing when he realizes she's crying.
Anakin tugs her hand a little, a silent invitation that she'd have picked up previously, though it's not something they do now.
Ahsoka interprets it the same anyway, though whether from crossed-over memories, or from simply reading it the same way, he doesn't know. She swings herself onto the bed next to him, curling up against his side and burying her face on his shoulder.
For a few minutes, they lay there together, and Anakin works his arm under her in a sort-of hug. He'd like to hug her outright, but he can't move too much, or at least he probably shouldn't. His chest still aches when he breathes.
"You're an idiot," Ahsoka tells him fiercely, same as she did once a long time ago. It feels like it's been forever. "You can't do this alone, Skyguy. Maybe I used to think you could, or past-me thought you could, but you can't. You nearly died." Her voice breaks off into another round of sobs, and he tugs her tighter against him, soaking up her warmth.
There's not much else he can do, but tears burn his eyes at hearing her cry, at seeing his little sister breaking apart.
He would do anything to keep her together, but whenever he tries, it doesn't work. That was why he wanted to bring Rex back, so he wouldn't have to be alone, but it's better if he is. Better if he doesn't have to worry about how many people he's hurting unintentionally.
"I've only been thinking about myself," he admits. "Maybe I only ever have."
She thunks her head on his shoulder. "That's not true, Skyguy. Not only. I know you – it's – the time travel thing. It makes everything weird. I'm not her, and I never will be, but you're – it doesn't seem fair."
He seconds that, really. Anakin would do anything if it meant being able to be with someone in everything, for there to be someone he could trust and confide with. After Palpatine, he can't imagine having anyone again.
"I know you're not," Anakin assures her, squeezing her tightly, "But even so, you're still my padawan. I'm still responsible for you, and I – I love you as much as I did her." He didn't quite realize it until he said it, but it's the truth.
He does. She's not the little sister who walked away from him, but maybe that's for the best, because he can still give her something better. He'll find a way to, because he has to, and it's for Ahsoka. She deserves that, needs that. Anakin will never be able to give her a perfect life, obviously, but he can still try giving her something.
He has to try, even if he's almost entirely certain he'll end up screwing something up again.
"Palpatine was... my friend," he continues, because Ahsoka had been angry about it earlier, and it's something he needs to lay to rest, just as much to himself as her. "I cared about him, even if I shouldn't have. He's done a lot for me." It hurts to think about him, to remember that he hurt Anakin. "When Dooku told me that he was a Sith, I didn't want to believe it. It didn't seem real, and I didn't want to be responsible for... hurting him."
Ahsoka shifts, and he can feel her eyes on him.
"I know," Anakin replies immediately, "By the Jedi way, I should've done it anyway, and I did, in the end. I want to believe it helped, but I'm not sure I can." It doesn't feel like it helped anyone. Certainly not Anakin himself. Palpatine made him, and that's not something he can tell Ahsoka. He doesn't want anyone to know that, but from the moment he heard that, it just felt like he owed him something.
The only person he might be willing to let on about that is Rex, actually. Rex, Anakin knows, would never leave him. Ahsoka did before, and so did Obi-Wan. It's not something he feels comfortable trying to explain to Padme, either. He should, because she's his wife, but the thought of telling him what he is makes his skin crawl.
"It gave us a chance," Ahsoka reminds, "The Council, anyway. We can end the war. We just need to get rid of –"
"I know," Anakin interrupts, speaking over her, before she can blurt out what he knows she is about to. They do not need to talk about killing Dooku in Separatist territory. "We'll figure something out, but I'm not sure it's safe for me back with the Republic."
A sense of heaviness settles over them at that. If Anakin can't go back, that means... Ahsoka will have to go. Without him.
Force. He doesn't know how to handle that.
He's been most afraid of losing her from the start. What's he supposed to do? He can't – no.
This is for Ahsoka, and if... this is what it means, then he needs to let her go.
Anakin just needs a way to ensure she won't go through some suicidal something to get back. If he gets Ahsoka out, he needs to do it... peacefully. Without a fight, and he doesn't really know what that will mean. "I'll need to think about this a little longer," he replies, "Figure out where we stand."
He knows the Council will be angry at him, and he's afraid to face that. They'll tell him they should have killed Palpatine right off, but Anakin is... He's human. How can he just decide who lives or does? He's not the Force. That's not a choice he should be able to make. There's a difference between fighting and straight-up murder.
Probably, Sidious would've been killed in a fight, too, but it doesn't really feel like it. Doesn't feel like he gets to decide... any of that. He was so... hurt and angry at Sidious for hurting him, for what he did to the galaxy, and he hadn't been able to think about anything else.
"Yeah," Ahsoka agrees, "I'll check out their defenses, and –"
"That's not what I mean," Anakin tells her, and she freezes, both physically and in the Force.
He's admittedly nervous about this, but they're with Dooku, and he owes it to the galaxy after what he caused to try ending this. "I'm gonna talk to Dooku," Anakin replies. "There's no way for us off Seranno by fighting, so I'll see what I can do."
Ahsoka snuggles closer, tendrils of excitement leaking into the Force. "What's the plan?"
"Well... if we can't fight, we'll have to make our own way. I'll see if there's a way to end the war. From this side."
Force. He can only hope this works, because if it doesn't? They're screwed.
There is no other way out.
***
Ahsoka's gone out again to get something to eat when Ventress drops by again. He's admittedly getting a little tired of being cramped up here, only seeing two people, no matter how much he loves Ahsoka.
Force, it's been weeks. Padme and Rex and Obi-Wan must be worried sick about him – if they aren't too angry at him for the information he knows got out. He could've hidden it, but he saw no reason to. Not that there was time in the short timeframe he had to get the recordings to the Council.
"Your master still waiting?" Anakin queries, because that's no doubt what she's here for.
"Your perception is impressive," she crows, moving closer, though he can still see her limp.
Anakin throws her a dubious look. "Tell him he can wait a few more rotations."
"Oh, I'm not only here for that," she waves him off."
His eyes narrow. "Then, what?" He's not too naïve to realize that Dooku could just as much want the information he has, if he knows about the... time travel thing.
"I'll let him handle it himself," she replies.
Anakin doesn't... understand what she's here for, unless she's just bored, which he could understand. Either way, what he needs now is allies, not enemies. And he certainly isn't one bit fond of Ventress, but he doesn't have much choice right now. He has to try, and she's not... fully evil, either.
He doesn't even know if he can say Sidious was fully evil, and the knowledge that Anakin killed him like that, in such a brutal fashion, makes him sick. There was no other choice, but he still did it.
"You and the Council having issues?" she asks lazily.
"Why would you think that?" It's an even question; not an outright denial even if he wants to deny it. She'd see right through him, and they don't need confirmation of anything. He knows how this goes. Distract them, and don't give them anything.
She clicks her tongue. "What you told me in the cell, Skywalker. I'm surprised you admitted the Jedi's faults."
"And you really think I'm the best Jedi you've ever met?"
"Mm, more effective than some." She shrugs. "You defeated Sidious, which is something all of them have been too weak to do."
"Is that a compliment?" He can't help being incredulous – he's genuinely confused. This is Ventress, and in the past, all Anakin remembers was being constantly criticized. He doesn't really... understand what's different, except that he's far more consciously aware of how badly he screwed up.
"Is it?" she snips back.
Fair.
Anakin doesn't really know what to say to her. Instincts and mostly years of being repetitively told that she's a Sith, that she's evil, make it hard for him to reach out to her, but really? She's no worse than Anakin himself. "You mentioned the Jedi wronged you." That they left her, and she blames them for her master's death.
She huffs. "The Jedi've wronged everyone."
"They try," Anakin reminds, "That's sometimes the most we can ask." It shouldn't have to be like that, but it is. Once, Anakin had hoped Palpatine might be able to make things better, but that was... for nothing. He was wrong. Didn't know what he was hoping for. Anakin just wishes the same was true for himself; that he was able to make mistakes without hurting everyone, but it happens. Repeatedly. He needs to talk to Ahsoka again, but he doesn't know what to say short of a half-unintelligible apology.
"The least they can do is stop pretending to be perfect."
Anakin loathes that there's a small part of him whispering agreement. "None of us are," he offers finally. "We're all mortal."
His chest still aches when he breathes.
Anakin never wanted to be anyone special, but it was thrown on him. It's not something he can just... choose any more than he could choose to be a creation of the Sith. It's what he is, whether he likes it or not, no matter how he doesn't want to be.
It's a simple part of his existence, and he has to accept it, no matter how difficult it is.
"Huh." Ventress shifts a little again, wincing slightly from the movement. Anakin has no idea why there's a small part of him that almost... feels bad for her. She's far from a good person, but... it isn't as though Anakin's better than her, either.
He's not.
If he wants someone to worry about him, care about him; everyone else is worthy of it, too.
"I see you're still preaching morals the way all Jedi do."
"Did you expect anything else?" He doesn't trust her, would be a fool to. Dooku is the one he needs to get to. "Tell your master I'm ready."
She gives him a skeptical look. "Can you even stand?"
"I was standing longer than you," Anakin snips back at her. "I defeated Sidious in a state worse than this."
Ventress scoffs. "Don't get any ideas, Skywalker," she chides, "You can do more good here than with the Republic."
"I'll decide when I speak with Dooku," Anakin replies. He's afraid of what will happen now, but he has to find a way to make the right choice. He wishes he could talk to Obi-Wan or Master Yoda, wishes he was able to trust them. In the end, the only person he might be able to trust is Qui-Gon. Anakin needs to talk to him again. Somehow. He needs guidance more desperately than he ever has in his life.
Somehow, he needs to make the right choice. For Ahsoka.
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