-Miss Armstrong, Becky, Mother Earth is calling, hallo,- teacher was standing right in front of me and i noticed her only after she started yelling at me.
-Yes, yes, i'm sorry miss, i'm sorry, that won't happen again.
-Better not.
Ohhhh, i haven't slept the whole night, my head was 100 kg , my eyes were sinking and i couldn't stop my brain from thinking about her and about the things she said. I was analysing myself all 8 hours of the night and with every second i was getting more confused and worried then before. My emotions, feelings, logic, knowledge, culture, my traditional upbringing, all the images that were instilled in my head by my parents and society were in a huge war inside of my head. I was actually going crazy between the choice: my heart or my brain.
In the morning i couldn't recognise myself in the mirror, but still decided to get ready and come to school, because i thought it will help me to stop thinking, but here i am, sitting in the history class and thinking about her.
-BecBec, are you ok?,- Annie asked me when we were having a break between classes.
-I don't know, Annie, i think, i might need to go home, because i can't.
-Bec what is wrong? You know we are here for you right? You can talk to us about anything.
-Can i? I don't even know.
-Why?- Amy was looking at me a bit angry.
-You won't understand,- i know them, they can't understand this,- anyway, i'm going home. I will see you tomorrow.
-Bec, you remember that tomorrow is our 1/4 game right?
-Oh, yes, thank you for reminding me, i almost forget it.
Tomorrow, if tomorrow is our game, that means she is playing today. Maybe i should go to see her, maybe that will help.
I was riding my bike and thinking which street to choose, the one that will bring me home or the one to her.
...
-Come sit here,- is she angry or worried?
I just walked and set next to her.
-What are you doing here? Aren't you supposed to be at school still?
-Yes, yes i am, but i couldn't concentrate, i couldn't stop thinking, i needed some open space.
-Is it all because of her?
-Grandma?,- i was sitting next to her on the old bench near the abandoned resort, and she knew?
-How do you?...
-My little girl, come here,- she tapped on her lap and i put my head on her lap and lie down on the bench, - we used to do this all the time when you were little, remember?
-Yes grandma, i'm really missing those days, my careless days, without any problems and this heaviness in my head.
-And what about here,- she softly put her hand on my chest and it was like the key to my heart and my soul.
-I don't know grandma, i'm so scared and so confused,- my tears started running, but it was different this time.
-My little angel, that is in here,- she softly tapped my forehead,- i'm asking about here,- she put her hand back on my chest.
-I ... i..., grandma,- i sat down and looked at her eyes,- please, please promise me that you won't hate me.
-Oh, my baby, please don't cry, i promise, i promise you, i will never ever, no matter what happend or what you do, i will never hate you, i will always love you with whole my heart, my sweet little BecBec,- she gently wiped away my tears.
-I don't know what exactly is going on with me, grandma, i'm still trying to figure it out, but, i think, i feel like, i feel something for her, i kinda like her, grandma,- with the last words i broke down in the rivers of tears and i couldn't calm down. Although my grandma was hugging me and whispering that everything is oke, and she still loves me, i couldn't stop crying.
It was not panic cry, or disappointment or scared or anything else it was a relieved cry, i realised in a moment how much space opened up in me when i said that out loud and accepted it? I just accepted that i like her. Oh gosh, i like her, so is this that feeling? Is this how people are falling in love?
-BecBec please calm down child, everything is fine, i'm with you,- she was hugging me very tight.
-I like her grandma, i like a girl, and you really think it's ok?
-Yes, i think it is, you know i'm old enough to have seen everything in my life, right? Maybe times were different back then, but gay people have been and always will be part of the society.
-Gay? You think i am gay?- my eyes wiedend a bit, it was first time for me, that feeling of getting somehow grouped, not in a bad way, and kinda comforting and at the same time scary way.
-No, no, i'm not thinking or saying anything, maybe you are bi or something else, i'm not that good, but it doesn't matter, what matters is your feelings, you need to understand who you are, and who you like and who you want to be. Only you can put a label on yourself.
-Grandma, and how to explain this to mom and dad? or to my brain?
-Your brain will understand your heart sweetie, i'm sure. But your parents, i'm worried about that the most. Maybe you should wait a bit with that, i will start speaking with them about the topic, and then maybe you will tell them, what do you think? You also need time to figure out you and Freen, so take your time, we are not in a hurry.
-Grandmaaa,- i was crying again, hugging my grandma very hard,- i don't know what i would do without you.
-Don't worry my child, i'm here, with you, we will find a way for you two.
-Did Freen told you something?
-Kind of. We were sitting right in this same way in this same place yesterday and she was telling me about someone, but i didn't know that it was about you, until I saw her by the dinner table.
-What did she said about me?
-Well, i think you need to hear it from her BecBec.
-I think, i think she asked me to be her girlfriend yesterday, grandma.
-Oh, very brave, and what did you answer to her?
-I didn't, nothing, yet...
-Why not? You like her, so...
-I didn't know about it yesterday.
-Now you know it so why are you stil here?
-You think i need to go and speak with her?
-I think you will be stupid if you won't do that, life is short and unpredictable. You need to act fast, especially about your happiness.
-Ok, ok, you are right grandma, i will see you at home later,- i got up and started running but then came back and kissed my grandma's cheeks,- i love you so much grandma.
-I love you too, my sweet angel, go...
I pedalled my bike as hard as i could to reach her as soon as possible. And here I am now, standing at the top of the benches in the sports hall, looking at her playing volleyball. Oh my, i think i'm already melting down to her knees, this girl. This warm feeling in my heart. It feels so good.
After a few seconds she looked up, at me, and we crossed eyes, i felt like she felt i was there.
-FREEN,- she shifted her gaze back to the game, i think they lost a point because of me.
They continued playing and after 10 minutes i decided to leave the hall and wait for her outside, she was paying too much attention to me and too little to the game.
After 20 minutes game was over and my heart was warm like a almost exploding volcano. I couldn't wait anymore. Then I saw her almost running to me, and i really wanted to hug her in that moment. But she came to me gave me a piece of paper and ran back to her team. I was so confused and stood there looking at her, then a man came out from the building and she followed him to the car and they drove away, very fast.
I guess that was her father, but why was she so scared. After they drove away, I finally opened my hand and then the small paper.
¨ I will wait for you in our place, this evening ¨
OOHHHHHH
I hopped on my bike and cycled home. I need to get ready, i need to look good.
It was 7 o'clock i was already sitting in OUR place, i guess i will wait for you. I was smiling like crazy, this stupid happiness was so good, i wanted to feel like that all the time.... but.
It was already 10 pm, very dark and it was getting quite cold up there, i already put my hair into a bun, the smile was gone and i had a bad feeling.
23:13
I looked at my phone for the last time and decided to go home... she didn't come, she lied to me? left me waiting there? ... I was feeling so stupid...
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Hi my kind readers,
I hope you all are doing fine.
Thank you for reading and don't worry, they will meet again soon