PROLOGUE:
kill yr. idols, sonic death
it's the end of the world
and confusion is sex
you open the curtains of your window and let the remaining sunlight of the day come in. sitting upside down, your feet tap repeatedly rhythmically against the wall. you are 10 years old, and the mourning doves are making their calls.
having just moved in a few months ago in the summer, the fall chill required you to wear layers inside. well, until your mom can afford to get you your own personal space heater. you hide your hands up in the cuffs of your sweater and feel the chill of the window through your feet.
speak of the devil, here she comes knocking on your door. "sweetie! dinner's ready, i have your plate right here."
"coming."
you rub your eyes and open the door to your mom, whose eyebags have gotten more prominent. you know it's because of that damn second job, but you also know better than to nag her about it.
"mom, y'know i could just grab my plate from downstairs."
"i know... but then you wait too long and your plate gets cold."
you smile at her. "i like it cold anyways."
you walk back to your window, sitting upside down like you did before, shoveling rice into your mouth. eating with your hands was a skill you mastered, not a crumb could escape from your grubby fingers.
"how was school today?" your mom approaches you and crouches down to your level. you can't help but smile up at her, somehow her radiance exudes into the physical world as you see a golden halo around her. your mom, a fucking angel she is.
"nothing happened. didn't really talk much, except i answered a question and got it wrong. then, cartman laughed so i kicked his chair."
"what?! honey, did you—"
"nope! didn't get in trouble." a cheeky grin plastered your face. "he knows not to tell on me."
your mother looks at you with such sweet but concerning eyes, "could you tell me why?"
"i know his big secret." you tap your finger to your lips. "the secret? i cannot tell you."
finally, your mom sighs and picks herself back up, "can't believe i've raised such a mischievous child." she weakly chuckles to herself, tired as she was. "i know daddy did too."
you apprehensively look at her at the mention of your dad, then look away.
"hm, you seem like you got nothing going on kiddo."
"yep... just sitting here, eating dinner," you said as you popped an unseasoned steamed broccoli into your mouth.
"hm, right. well, i got something to show you." your mom proceeds to leave the room with a glint in her eye, a woman on a mission is a woman who cannot be stopped.
you still sit on the floor, not minding if the blood rushing to your head is an uncomfortable feeling. all you can hear are things shuffling around next door, like papers and cardboard boxes. this time, you get up to take a sip of water, and shovel more rice into your mouth; creating an ungodly taste of rice water soup.
"hehe, you eat gross kiddo." mommy returns with a box labeled 'punk kid starter pack'.
"who cares." you nonchalantly say before your eyes fixate on the box. "uhh... what's that?" you pointed.
"it's from your dad!"
"oh."
she sensed the hesitation, "he wanted me to give this to you when we thought you were old enough."
"and i'm old enough now?"
"you've got the right amount of spunk," she sets down the box. "alright, i'll leave you to it. gotta go to bed."
you glance at the alarm clock by your bed, it says that it's 7:03pm. you know she has to wake up at 3 in the morning, but the pit in your stomach didn't like the limited time you had with each other. you glance away from her.
"okay. goodnight mom." reaching out, you hug her around her waist.
"goodnight."
"i love you," both of you said in synchronicity.
"ha! jinx! you owe me a soda." she lets go and excitedly dances with her feet.
staring blankly, "please go to bed."
you dig through the box to find a CD to listen to. somehow you managed with that huge brain of yours to fix the CD player and now you're more than excited to bless your ears. although, you noticed through your dad's collection that a lot of these albums you didn't recognize.
like, what the fuck is 'Confusion is Sex (Plus Kill Yr. Idols)'? all you knew was that was an unnecessarily long ass name. so you pop it into your CD player.
looking at the case, it seemed like your dad left a note. hesitantly you grab for it and open it, but it all seems to be written down lyrics for every track.
track 10 begins to play from the player. 'Kill Yr. Idols.' is what it's called on the sheet. so you sit and listen.
a cacophony of drums, cymbals, and chilling guitar riffs emit from the player. along with a voice with deep trills and strain from shouting, it's what you can call "loud". at first, it was hard to listen and understand what was going on, but then you found the beauty of it. the breakdown after the chorus left you with an eerie feeling as a chill crawls up your spine, in a way that the bass guitar perfectly replicates it.
you look back to the paper in your hands and read the lyrics. soon after, the song ends.
you sit on the floor, in total shock.
why was that so fucking good?
you rush to open your window and grab a bowl of marbles you had on your desk. soon, like a war machine, you started launching the marbles to the next-door neighbor's window.
soon enough they open their window as well.
"hey butters."
"oh- uh- hi! did'ja need something?" there stood a boy from your class, the only other person you didn't mind talking to. "it's 8:30, it's kinda late." he knocked his knuckles together.
"i know! but, you have to come over i have something really cool to show you!"
"uh- okay! but... i don't think my parents will let me leave."
"just jump!"
"what?!" the blonde boy you always knew had an exasperated look on his face.
"i didn't tell you to kill yourself, it just snowed so your landing should be soft."
it looks like he thought it over and over, but then he looked at you and the cheeky grin you had etched onto your face. "um... i'm not taking my chances. i'd rather be grounded than break my legs." as he closed his window he said, "see you in a bit!"
so all you had to do was sit on your bed rocking back and forth in pure excitement. god, you were gonna save the world with Sonic Youth. then, came a knock on your front door.
you flew downstairs, and before butters could say a greeting you already had him by his poor hand. couldn't help but drag him all the way upstairs. you remembered to close the door behind you.
"oh god, what's happenin'?!" butters thought his time was now.
you shush him, then point to the CD player on the floor. "i'm about to change your life, little man."
"what?! but- i'm not- i'm not ready!!"
you shush him once again, "it's Sonic Youth." you turn on the CD player and make it repeat track 10.
as the both of you sit on the ground, the stream of noise emits from the player once more. butters turns his head to look at you tapping away at your feet having a splendid time listening. he just keeps knocking his knuckles together. soon enough, the song ends and you pause the player.
you turn to butters with crazy eyes, "so! what did you think?"
"uhm... do you really want me to be honest?"
your happy expression faltered a bit, "huh? i mean, yeah of course. i asked."
butters looks down to his feet, then mutters, "that was gay."
"huh?"
"it was kinda gay." avoiding eye contact, he speaks up.
"what?!"
"no, not kinda, pretty gay."
it was your turn to say nothing, all you had was a look of horror on your face.
"ok, i gotta go. i need to sleep." butters gets up fast and is already one foot out your bedroom door.
you get up as well, "wait- what- what part was gay?" you start to follow butters out to the front door.
"i- i don't know."
"what?! was it not awesome?"
as butters opens the door he says, "i just think Sonic Youth is gay." then, just like that he was gone, out of sight.
just like that, you were left all alone in your living room. your face became unreadable and as you stared at the palm of your hands. you felt your throat tighten, your nose and eyes heat up, and as you furrowed your brows you couldn't help but catch your tears as you muttered, "dude... my dad is totally gay..."
author's note:
hi. thx for reading. teehee i hope
u liked it bc i haven't wrote anything
since like 2 years ago.
i got rlly big plans for this book
that i can't wait to share!
bc i can't take this shit srsly
anyways, thank u again^^