You're on your own, kid
You always have been
No one was awake when Hayun entered her silent home, eyes wandering to the gleam of light coming from the living room.
Carefully, she put her things down and headed towards the said room. Pausing by the door, she noticed her father's figure laying on the sofa.
Sometimes she'd see him here, she wondered if he fell asleep watching tv or he was waiting for her. Today was different, she noticed an old book on the coffee table.
Walking closer, her eyes caught sight of the three slightly tattered photo albums laid across the table, one opened on a page which made her throat feel constricted.
Her quiet footsteps didn't wake her father up, he looked troubled even in his sleep.
A frown settled on her lips, now standing by the sofa with her eyes grazing from his sleeping figure to the photo albums. He must've been looking through them for a while since he had fallen here.
It pained her to think about how he had to wait until he was alone to indulge in his nostalgia, he rarely expressed any emotion towards what had happened.
They were married, of course he missed her. But for some reason, it didn't cross Hayun's mind much. Maybe she was selfish to not realise the pain he felt, maybe she was too focused on her own.
He had become focused being a single father that it rarely showed that he misses the life they once had.
Even though she was young back then, her memories were vivid enough to cause knots to tightening in her stomach and her nose to start burning as tears threatened to look in her eyes.
Hayun shook her head, ridding her mind of the thoughts. Instead she took a deep breath, leaning down towards the photo album with the intention of shutting it.
She paused, hand hovering just a few centimetres away from the page as her eyes stared at the photograph.
The tension in her face softened, her chest feeling heavy and mind feeling empty all at once. Her breath was caught in her throat, in actual fact she forgot how to breathe in that moment.
Beautiful, the picture was beautiful.
It was a day at the beach, Hayun was ten. She remembered that day because moments after this picture, she slipped and cut her arm.
As she grew up, the pain of the injury wasn't all she remembered. She remembered how happy everyone was, how carefree and excited they were.
Her eyes trailed to the faint scar on her arm, a physical reminder that the day at the beach wasn't just her imagination.
Sometimes, she would dream of events which she couldn't remember if they were true or she was just making it all up. She'd wake up, confused. Her memories were old, they were unreliable but a part of her hoped they were all true.
It was hard to describe the feeling of longing when it was mixed with anger, a bitterness knowing that things would never restore itself to be the same as it was.
Her vision blurred with tears, retracting her hand away from the picture to close the book instead and swiftly stand up.
The rush of air felt like knives on her skin, biting the inside of her cheek. She didn't mean to get emotional again, lately she had been too emotional with everything.
It was frustrating.
Although it was late, Hayun headed into the kitchen for something to eat. She neglected food a lot during the day and only now, her hunger caught up to her.
Not that she ate too much, she still needed to sleep soon.
She sat alone in the kitchen, in a silence. Hayun was drained of all energy to even think about anything.
After finishing up, she headed back to the living room to gently awaken her father, reminding him to stop falling asleep on the sofa. They both headed upstairs, parting into their own rooms.
She managed to get dressed into her pyjamas and do somewhat of a skincare routine after brushing her teeth.
The house should've been quiet but she heard the faint sounds of gaming from across the hall. Sighing, she exited her room and walked to the source of the noise.
Hyunwoo was still awake, or course.
She told him to go to sleep but he shrugged her off like usual, mumbling something about one last game.
There was hardly any point trying to reason with him, instead she closed his door and began to walk to the next room.
Nari was asleep and so was Jinwoo in the next room after.
Satisfied, she returned to her own room and grabbed her phone while moving to lay comfortably in her bed.
She replied to the texts she didn't have time to reply to during the day, checking on her emails and texts from the company with updates.
She saw a missed call notification, her mind instantly rewinding back not too long ago.
Hayun remembered his flushed cheeks, the pink hue dusting over his skin as she asked for his number, his slightly trembling hand which held the phone out to her.
Thankfully, she made the smart choice to call herself from his phone, meaning this number in her call log...was his.
She stared for a few seconds, contemplatively. Hayun decided to add the number into her contact list, to make sure she knew it was him.
Then she paused again, eyes drifting over the icons under his name now he was in her contacts. Biting her bottom lip in deliberation, she decided to press the messaging icon.
Jisung from Nct
Did u get attacked by the rain monster? Hope u survived 😧
00:58
Hayun wondered if he was asleep or had seen her message pop up, maybe he wouldn't reply at all.
Oh he had seen it.
He was at the store, the one Haeri works at specifically. He came often after work just to get food.
He was harmlessly enjoying an episode of a drama he started, when his eyes flickered to the notification that popped up.
The drink which he was sipping on immediately got dislodged in his throat, choking with liquid dribbling down his chin and onto his clothes, not to mention on the table too.
He coughed loudly, gaining attention of Haeri who perked up in concern and called out to ask if he was okay.
He patted his chest in desperate attempt to relieve the choking, his eyes wide and cheeks flushed. Panicked, he paused the episode he was watching and just stilled for a moment.
Jisung reached forward to grab a tissue, wiping at the spilt drink and around his mouth too, he grimaced when looking down at his clothes.
Then, his eyes drew back to his phone. His pulse was already beating significantly faster than it was before.
For a moment, he didn't believe that he read the notification right.
Did she just text me?
He picked up his phone, swiping down to check his notification bar and there it was, she did text him.
Staring eyes wide at the notification, he only panicked more internally. Jisung was so surprised by the text that he didn't hear the bell above the door ringing.
"Morning sunshine." Donghyuck's voice rang out, beaming smile as he directed his attention to his girlfriend.
"What's up with him?" The older boy asked Haeri, directing his attention to a disheveled Jisung.
"I have no idea." Haeri answered, slightly concerned. "Are you okay Jisung?"
"Y-yeah." He coughed out, taking a sip of his drink.
"So clumsy." Donghyuck shook his head, making fun of the boy but right now, Jisung had bigger issues to worry about.
What was he supposed to reply?
What if he said the wrong thing?
That night, Jisung couldn't sleep because he was stressing over this text message. He kept looking at it in his notification bar, struggling to conjure up a reply.
Just as he thought about leaving the message until tomorrow with a better idea of a response, another notification popped up.
Hayun 🧁
Oh btwww are u free tomorrow ?
because I'm pretty sure they want to check in on my progress and I want to go through things a little more
02:06
sure 👍
02:29
Sure?? is that all you could think of?
Jisung sighed, mentally kicking himself for spending twenty minutes thinking of a response only to put sure.
He could see she read the message, liking it but not replying. What would she even reply to that anyway?
Putting his phone down, he laid on his bed with an arm crossed behind his head as he stared up at the ceiling.
After a few moments, Jisung turned on his side and closed his eyes, attempting to fall asleep.
Hayun couldn't sleep.
Her worries were keeping her awake like it did most nights, teeth biting down on her bottom lip. The crease in between her eye brows were almost a permanent thing as he thought.
She played so many different scenarios of what could happen tomorrow when they checked her progress, they all ended badly in her head.
With a sigh full of heaviness, Hayun turned on her side and closed her eyes in an attempt to shut her body down and fall asleep.
It didn't work, it never did but eventually she would fall asleep from the pure exhaustion that caught up on her.
♮
"Okay, wait I think I got it." Hayun nodded confidently after watching Jisung mark down the steps. With determination evident in her eyes, sh was concentrated in repeating the move.
Hayun and Jisung didn't stray away from the purpose of their meet up, that being dance practice. They didn't really talk about anything else, in fact there wasn't too much talking between them.
Mostly because Jisung didn't feel the need to strike up conversation (he's too awkward) and Hayun prioritised dance practices over trying to get him to interact in conversations.
He seemed okay helping her though, dance was his comfort zone so he didn't mind as much. Jisung was different when dancing, his aura changed and it was clear he wanted to execute his teachings well.
His encouragement and praises only went as far as nods and a few "yes that's right". Hayun didn't need encouragement, well that's what she thought. She just needed to be good, no...she needed to be better than good. She needed to do this perfectly.
The time for her progress check was approaching fast, her eyes darted to the clock and anxiety began to form. The pulsating of her heart began to pound heavier.
The familiar feeling of unwanted heat began to escalate up her body, flushing all over. She tried to blink back the feeling to regain her composure, glancing back at Jisung who was looking down at the iPad to see if they missed anything.
With a satisfied scrunch of his nose and a nod to himself, he shut the iPad off and then looked up towards her.
"Uh...so is that okay for today?" He trailed off, unsure if she wanted to practice for longer with him.
Hayun again looked at the clock, pursing her lips with a conflict playing in her head. She wanted to continue but she felt bad, ultimately he had helped today and it was unfair to keep him longer.
"Yeah, that's all good. Thank you Jisung." She smiled, knowing she could just practice alone from now until her progress check.
"Okay." He nodded, an awkward smile painting his lips as he tried to reciprocate the action. His eyes never met hers, instead he walked over to put the iPad away and gather his stuff.
Hayun, feeling very flushed from stress, took a few sips of her water and tried to stray her mind from the negative thoughts.
Her eyes drew over to where Jisung was starting to head towards the door, then he paused. His hand hovering over the door handle, hesitating but deciding to look over his shoulder.
"...good luck. You'll do well." He managed out, trying not to sound too rehearsed.
A smile blossomed on her lips as she replied.
"Thank you Jisung, I hope I do."
When he left, Hayun's confidence began to decline. What if she was only good when she was mirroring his moves?
God I feel sick
She tried to practice more before it was time, feeling really hot. It felt like she couldn't breathe properly, stomach churning and eye twitching as nausea waved over her.
It was ten minutes until she had to perform.
Leaning over with her hands on her knees and eyes closed, she took a few deep breaths.
Nothing subsided the nausea and the negative thoughts powdered by anxiety only became more burdensome.
The familiar feeling churned through her, stomach twisting and turning until it became ridden with knots. Unable to withstand it, she urgently rushed towards the door and hurried through the hallway towards the bathroom.
It was empty but she didn't have time to check because she was soon hurling the contents of her stomach out in the toilet. She hadn't even eaten much, all of the water she had drank had she threw up until nothing was left.
I'm going to get kicked out
This is it. They're going to cut me from the group
Tears burned in her eyes from throwing up, hands trembling and so were her knees.
As quickly as she could, Hayun refreshed herself up knowing there wasn't much time. She felt sick still, but had to push through.
She was so nervous.
When she stepped back into the practice room, she saw Jinae had probably just entered too.
"Hey, are you ready?" She asked, Hayun could only muster a forced nod. It wasn't just Jinae watching her today, there were a few more yet to come.
And when they did come, Hayun thought she would throw up all over again.
She didn't, thankfully.
Here they were, all staring at her. Hayun felt like running out of the room and just abandoning her dream all together. She could already sense her upcoming disappointment with herself.
Before the music started, she tried to relax her body and closed her eyes, going over the advice from Jisung.
The instrumental from the opening of the song flowed through the speakers and Hayun began to dance under the scrutiny of those judging her.
It all felt like a blur really, she tried not to focus on them but instead on her dancing. When the music stopped, she couldn't find her breath because she watched them all whispering amongst themselves.
She was squeezing her fist so tight that her nails were digging into her palm painfully. Her heart was pounding ferociously against her rib cage and she could barely keep herself together.
Her teeth bit down on her bottom lip, feeling as though her knees may buckle and give in at any second.
Finally, Jinae turned towards her direction.
"Hayun..." there was a pause which felt like forever. "you've improved. Well done."
She let out a relieved exhale, letting go of the tension in her body which only made her finally realise how lightheaded and exhausted she felt.
"It's okay right now...I think if you continue practicing then we should be all good for the debut." Another added, Jinae nodding then turning to the staff member who looked like he was probably in charge of overseeing Everlast.
"Start packing. You'll move in soon."
♮
These past few weeks had taken everything out of her, she could barely walk down the stairs without her vision wavering and her legs shaking.
She was dismissed for the day, given the phone number of the Everlast manager who said he would keep in touch for any updates.
She was happy, she was.
But at the same time, it felt like every ounce of her energy and happiness had been ripped out of her. She still felt sick, the aftermaths of her anxiety still remained.
Yujia
How did it go girl???
Better than expected
I'm still in 😭 I was so scared
I TOLD YOUUU
congrats girlie ❤️❤️❤️❤️
We should meet up and celebrate soon
Yesyes definitelyyy
Thank you ❤️❤️
Doyun
Let me know when you're finished okay?
Heyy im done now
Are you in practice?
Hayun was supposed to meet Doyun after her progress check but he had practices today. They decided to meet after his had finished, meaning Hayun decided to stick around the company for a little longer.
Putting her phone away, she subcontracted put a hand on her churning stomach. She couldn't distinguish if she was hungry or felt sick.
Admittedly, Hayun hadn't been eating properly. At first, she didn't have time to eat much but as time progressed and her weight became a prominent topic within management conversation, she became conscious of it.
Not that she was overweight by any means, it was more fitting into an 'idealistic body type', Hayun wasn't one to think there is such a thing but with such an overbearing and controlling environment, it felt like she had no choice.
Since she had time to kill, Hayun decided to head to the cafeteria. It was a nice place to just chill even if she wasn't going to get food.
Entering through the doors, she scoured the area for empty places to sit. Her gaze did find a table to sit at but instead, her attention drew over to the boy hunched over the table, chin on the back of his hand which was flat on the table. He was staring at his phone, probably immersed into the drama he was watching.
Hayun began walking towards Jisung without thinking about sitting at that vacant table. When she slid into the seat opposite his in the booth, he looked up with the expectation of seeing a member of his.
When he realised it was her, he became less relaxed and paused the video to sit up instead of leaning over the table.
Usually she would greet him but she hadn't and Jisung felt the need to fill in the silence.
"H-how did it go?" He stumbled over his words, clearing his throat as he rubbed the back of his neck.
She didn't seem happy, instead sighing sadly. He became alarmed, her unhappiness indicating it went badly.
"It wasn't...did it go not well?" His eyes wide in shock.
Hayun thought he looked cute, his surprised expression was the most emotion she had seen from him towards her other than pure awkwardness.
A smile cracked on her lips, letting out an airy laugh.
"I'm messing with you, it went well." She beamed. "All thanks to you."
"Oh." He flushed. "That's good...but it's not all because of me." He murmured, not thinking he actually helped that much.
It looked like he was still eating because his food wasn't finished, he reached to take a sip of his drink. There was a silence for a second, Hayun sat there with the sunlight casting it's rays on her through the window.
The comforting heat made her close her eyes, the tiredness making her keep them close a little longer.
Jisung's eyes lifted from his blank phone screen, despite her eyes being closed she still seemed troubled. The slight furrow between her brows even when trying to relax made him wonder if the pressures of debuting were affecting her hard.
Not sure of what to say, he ended up saying nothing at all and hesitatingly continued to eat slowly. He didn't really like eating in front of other people that weren't those close to him.
She wasn't really doing much harm just sitting there, it was still awkward though. Now thinking about it, he hadn't seen her eat before. She always came here but rarely ate, instead opting to just sit.
His eyes drew over to the empty space on the table in front of her.
Wasn't she hungry after dancing?
He thought she might have dozed off to sleep, he looked back at her and noticed her eyes were still closed and her breaths were steady.
"What was that reply by the way?" She spoke, scaring him. Hayun opened her eyes to see him looking back at her, a humoured smile tugging at her lips. "You didn't tell me if you got attacked by the rain monster." She lightly teased.
Jisung's ears burned red, knowing how terrible his reply was.
"Um...I- sorry." He mumbled something towards the end which she couldn't quite catch.
"Hm?"
He swallowed the nerves down before speaking again.
"I didn't know what to say..." he admitted, eyes looking down at his hands. "I wasn't trying to be rude or anything." Jisung tried to clear up, not wanting her to get the wrong impression.
"Not gonna lie, I thought this whole time you hated me or something."
At her confession, his eyes went wide again and he placed a hand on his chest.
"Really? That's not true, I don't hate anyone- it's just...just," he paused, unsure of how to describe it. "I don't know..."
Hayun didn't say anything to cut him off, instead she waited. He glanced up realising she was still listening and he could feel his cheeks burning with embarrassment.
"I find it hard to talk to people that aren't close to me." He admitting through a quiet voice, feeling like a child. "It's just...awkward for me. It's nothing against anyone else." He tried his best to explain to ensure she didn't think he hated her.
Jisung worried that she would think he was weird, he hesitantly looked up from his hands only to see her looking at him with a soft kind of smile.
"I understand." She said, nodding. "You naturally feel more comfortable with people you're close to."
"Y-yeah." He was slightly surprised but relieved she understood instead of judging. "Do you feel the same?"
She hummed thoughtfully.
"In some way I guess. I'm comfortable speaking to anyone really...but it's different when it comes to opening up or something. But I like talking to people, you know just anyone really." She shrugged.
Jisung nodded, understanding her point of view because he knew of the people around him who were more extroverted.
She yawned a little, leaning back further into the back of the booth for comfort.
"Oh, they told me I'm moving in soon. Not sure when...but like, I think it will be weird living with people that aren't my family. You know?"
"It does feel weird at first but um, I think you get used to it." He replied, not remembering too much in detail about his younger years.
"Right? Hopefully it'll be okay. The thought of packing up all my stuff is already making me feel lazy, I've never moved houses or anything before so I've always lived in the same pla-"
Hayun's sentence was cut off midway through when someone had stopped by the table they were sat on, her words becoming forgotten in the air when she noticed it was one of his members.
It was Chenle, clearly he had the intention to join Jisung but hadn't realised someone was sat opposite him until he arrived.
Now, his eyes were glanced towards Hayun with an unreadable expression lingering in them. Weariness? Judgment?
Chenle's gaze turned to Jisung, their shared eye contact making Hayun feel as though she might've been interrupting their meet-up.
"Hi." Is what she said, greeting the boy. Whilst doing so, she grabbed her bag and slid out of the booth. "I should probably go now anyway, I'll see you later."
As she started to walk towards the doors, Chenle took the seat she was just occupying and raised his eyebrows at Jisung.
Jisung finally started eating the rest of his food, shaking his head at the questioning stares from Chenle.
"She still comes to you?" He asked and Jisung just shrugged.
"She said she liked speaking to people."
"Or maybe she meant she liked speaking to you." Chenle commented, reaching forward to snatch some fries from his plate to eat.
Chenle glanced down at his phone, sending a quick text then he turned his head towards the direction of the door. A lazy smile took place on his lips as he noticed his girlfriend approaching.
She had a beaming smile upon seeing him, waving towards Jisung too once spotting him.
"Hey." Mei said, unzipping her coat which was wet from the rain outside.
"Hey," Chenle reached over to take her coat from her and moved up so she could sit next to him. Once she was sat, he leant his head on her shoulder and closed his eyes from his tiredness. "How was work?"
"It was good, I made some new friends actually." She smiled and he hummed.
"That's nice babe, have you eaten? You can take Jisung's food."
Jisung's eyes narrowed at his friend's remark, Mei laughing at his reaction.
"Don't worry, I ate just before I came here. What were you guys talking about?"
"I was gonna interrogate Jisung about this girl but I'm too lazy right now." He waved the idea off. Jisung sighed, knowing the whole Hayun thing wasn't as of a big deal than what they thought.
Jisung turned on his phone again, pressing play on the paused video and resumed eating his slightly cold food.
Even though right about now Hayun would love to just go home and relax, she found herself sat down waiting for her friend to finish practices.
She met Doyun the first day she started as a trainee, alongside Minji who she didn't have much contact with now. It was saddening to know her friendships were fading the busier she got with her career.
As soon as she saw him exiting the practice room, she perked up excitedly and got up from where she was sitting.
Noticing her, his eyes lit up and a smile took place over his tired frown.
"Hey, how did it go?" He asked, scanning her features for any indication of how it went.
"I'm still in!" She beamed, his own smile growing in happiness.
"Yeah! See, I told you. I told you it would go well." He congratulated her with a hug, ruffling her hair as he did so. "You worry so much but you're a good dancer."
"Thanks, I was honestly so nervous." She admitted against him, pulling away with an eased smile. "I feel better now though."
"Good, I'm glad. You know, we should celebrate." He told her and she raised her eyebrows.
"Yeah? What do you have in mind?"
"I think this calls for our usual place."
"Oh, hell yeah." She agreed, the two of them heading towards the elevator together whilst Hayun caught him up about the whole progress check.
Doyun and her used to always go to this diner together when they had a break from practices, their friendship grew once they started spending time here. Sometimes they'd be doing homework and other times they would just hang out to relax from strenuous practices.
It wasn't often that they'd see each other, hence why it was nice to visit the diner again. Thankfully, their favourite spot was open and Hayun hadn't felt this happy in a while, everything was so nostalgic but it was nice.
"This one's on me." Doyun told her, not accepting her attempts to disagree.
"Fine." She gave in after he wouldn't negotiate, a smile still on her lips as she scanned the menu.
♮
Yesterday was nice, it was nice to relax and forget about everything else.
Today wasn't so nice, she was brought right back to harsh reality.
"I don't know why they said you improved, you're still messing up." Hwan sighed, throwing his head back in irritation. "It's like this...not that." He demonstrated.
The practice started well but of course Hwan had his input to give, Hayun could feel her blood boiling and she had the urge to just punch him to shut him up.
The excruciating few hours of practice left her dizzy, pain forming in her temples and throbbing at the side of her head. Her head felt heavy and her body light at the same time, swaying a little as she went to grab her water.
The girls all went their separate ways today, Hayun was a little slower than the rest to leave just from the amount she was lightheaded.
It was so bad she had to sit down with her eyes closed to stop her from feeling like she would topple over, or even collapse.
She stayed there for a few minutes before she felt too hot in the practice room, deciding to leave. Hayun needed to get a snack or something to eat, her headache was probably from the fact she didn't eat breakfast properly.
Pulling her headphones over her ears, she put on her zip up hoodie and began to leave the room. Opposite her in the hallway, Renjun had also just left, sending her a smile.
The two engaged in some small talk, he told her how he was just heading to the recording studio. He asked her how dancing was going, pleased to hear how well the progress check was.
Renjun was glad to know she felt better now, more certain of her place in the group. He didn't have much time to stay and talk, having to leave so he wouldn't miss his slot.
Hayun continued down to the cafeteria as usual, hoping there were some snacks left as usually the trainees would take them.
By some coincidence, her eyes landed on the familiar boy sat in the same place. Although this time, it didn't look like he was eating.
She wondered why he was here a lot of the time, maybe just to chill out? He looked immersed into texting someone though, maybe he was meeting his members.
Hayun didn't realise it, but someone had been watching her. When joining the line for food with his girlfriend, Chenle's attention was directed to the younger girl ahead who had her head turned in a certain direction.
Jisung.
He continued to watch her, noticing she kept glancing at the boy sat by himself.
Hayun skipped the line for food and headed towards the table with snacks, stopping in front of it to scan her options. Reaching forward, she grabbed some cut up fruit and an energy bar.
Hayun's eyes landed on the chocolate cupcake, a lightbulb practically going off in her head. A smile tugged on her lips as she grabbed it and turned on her heels to walk towards the end of the cafeteria.
Jisung was scrolling through the group chat aimlessly when someone placed something down on the table in front of him. He instinctively looked at the person first, his shock dying down he noticed it was Hayun. Then, he saw the cupcake.
"It's a thank you gift. I spent so much on it." She joked. "No but really, thanks for helping me."
"Oh- thank you." He felt his cheeks heat up. "It was no problem though...um, I like dancing anyway so it was fun."
"I doubt teaching me dance moves was fun but I appreciate it anyway." She chuckled, knowing it wasn't that fun, he still had good spirit though.
"I know I still have a long way until I'm up to the standards of the other girls...I was just wondering if we could still- I mean it's up to you- to keep dancing? It's really helpful when you teach. It doesn't need to be every week or anything, just maybe when we're free?"
"Oh, y-yeah sure. That's okay." He nodded, he thought that the dance lessons would end after her check but it seems as though she wants to continue. It wasn't that much of a big deal for Jisung, he just didn't think it would continue.
"Great." She smiled. "Enjoy the cupcake, I'll see you around Jisung from Nct."
Hayun turned around, tugging the headphone off from around her neck to put over her ears as she headed towards the doors.
On her way out, she happened to make eye contact with Chenle, his stare was quite sharp. Even though last time his emotions were unreadable, today they were clear.
He didn't like her.
Chenle dw Jisung is still ur bestie