TW: use of drugs, mentions of alcohol(?)
Chapter's icon by R I L E Y on pinterest :)
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"Rise and shine princess!" A voice sang as it approached me, letting an obnoxious ray of light hit my face and hurt my eyes.
I simply whined, turning around and rolling myself into a ball like a scared armadillo.
The air was heavy under the old blanket, and it started to smell like tears, smoke and sweat. In my hand i tightly held a package of cigarettes that kept one fag i promised myself i would have used only if strictly necessary.
"Jesus, it fucking reeks in here." He grumbled, approaching what i think was the window and starting to open the blinds.
"No." Was everything i could spit out, my voice hoarse and scratched.
He suddently stopped, walking up to me and stumbling over a few empty bottles of vodka i left on the ground.
"What the fuck, Sap?" He cursed, trying to get me to turn around by pulling on my covered shoulders.
"Fuck off Clay." I groaned.
He suddently stopped, making his voice softer and lightly squeezing my arm.
"It's been over a week, Sap. This is not good for you, you have returned the food almost completely untouched, you haven't taken care of your brothers, you haven't moved from your bed...
And this fucking room smells like cigarettes. Shit, are you smoking?"
He added after sniffling around a few times.
"No." Was the only sad, desperate sound i was able to whine, holding onto the hidden packet even more.
He snorted a heavy breath, then sat next to me.
"George is waiting in the living room. I drew you a bath, I'll help you clean yourself while he tidies your room up, okay?"
I stayed silent.
"Please." He whispered, getting closer to me and starting to slowly uncover my face.
I just let him.
"That's better."
I hid the packet under my thighs as he took the sheets off my torso.
"Dude, you smell like a sewer." He laughed.
"Shut the hell up." I scoffed, finally sitting up.
He held my hand as if i was a child and led me outside my room while i kept my eyes squinted through the hallway, barely being able to spot George peeking from its end and Dream giving him a thumbs up.
We entered the bathroom.
"Can you close the blinds?"
"Yes, sorry." He mumbled, making the room darker and lighting up a few candles.
I undressed myself, uncaring of the fact i was in front of him because we had known each other since our earliest years and had seen our naked bodies many times prior.
He simply grabbed some soap and a few cloths, waiting for me to get in the warm water and carefully rubbing the wet fabric on my face, on my shoulders and neck, then on my legs. His gestures were one of a father to his son, and i felt small under his delicate eyes.
"He's not gonna forget about you, you know that right?" He mumbled as the cloth rubbed on my forearm in circles.
My face contorced in a painful expression as i lowered my sight shamefully.
"Sap. He's not gonna forget about you. He's not like your father."
I sniffled a few times in a futile attempt of keeping my tears in, which were instead falling from my wet lashes to the water my body was dunk under, dissolving into it and mixing with the soap.
I passed the back of my hand over my eyes, frenetically rubbing them in the hope i would have convinced them to stop fucking crying.
Because that was the only thing i was able to do, and i accompanied my tears with booze and tobacco hoping they would have helped my days spin faster.
All the time like a foolish child i cried over everything, and my red eyes preyed over me, waiting for any occasion to burst in desperation and sobs.
He cupped my face and i clung onto his arm for dear life, because he was my lifeboat in an ocean i was too weak to swim in.
"I'm so scared, Clay. I'm so scared." I whined through shaky breaths and confused moans as i gently lulled myself back and forth.
"Of what, what's scary?" He asked, now holding my face so i was looking at him.
"I don't know." I whispered shamefully.
He sighed, moving his hand to the cloth he left in the water and going back to scrubbing my shoulders.
I observed him as he tiredly cleaned me.
"What are you looking at?" He raised his eyebrow.
"You're acting like my mother."
His eyes softened for a second, turning then back to their usual irony.
"You need one."
"Why would I?" I bit, protecting my pride with furrowed eyebrows while a tear still ran warm down my cheek. He stopped to observe me, then quickly rubbed his thumb on it to dry it off.
"Someone has to take care of you, once in a while."
I pursed my lips and bit the inside of them, trying to suppress how painfully those words hit me.
"I can take care of myself." I mumbled, my gaze shifting to the water circling around my exposed knees.
"Yeah, and look at how that turned out."
He responded sarcastic, ruffling my hair and standing up.
"I'll go and get you something to eat while you finish, alright? I already made the kids lunch." He said before disappearing behind the closed door, leaving me alone with my thoughts.
I absentmindendly played with some bubbles floating around the water, cupping them in my hands and blowing into their shiny shields that reflected the colors of the serene blue after a storm scattered with purples, and pinks, and reds.
I observed them, counting as each stroke and round shape they were painted with told a different story.
When the last one burst i felt my heavy eyes close, as if it put a spell on me, and I slowly let myself slide down, eventually sinking deep into the slippery tub.
My hair floated everywhere, sometimes caressing my liquid lashes or tired cheekbones,
my ruvid fingers explored the smooth surface beneath me, desperately looking for humid sand or slimy seaweed.
I just rested in the hope someone would have had the care to take me out.
My body got heavier by the second as piles of stones were added on my chest, and i just kept sinking until my feet felt a void underneath and silky hands took me with them.
I slowly opened my eyes, finding myself in a deep, blue field of water. A voice called me from behind.
"Sap, come here!"
Karl.
I turned around, anguishly trying to find him.
A caress left my neck, causing shudders to run down my spine in a million brief shocks.
I bit my tongue as my eyes kept missing his swift body but my other senses felt him everywhere;
his delicate yet decise touch brushed against my hips, his perfume broke the water and filled my nostrills, his taste licked my lips, yet i couldn't spot him anywhere.
I shouted his name, but my voice was muffled and my mouth chugged the salty tears the sky once shed and filled the sea with.
Once again he called me, and this time as i looked up his figure was clear above me.
I swam as fast as i could as he got away from me, his slim limbs speeding and his bare body becoming smaller in my sight.
My arms and legs hurt and my lungs seemed to explode when i was finally able to reach him, but as soon as i touched his warm fingers he burst.
Just like a bubble of soap he became lucid and transparent, vanishing in the air in a million colors, reflecting the light in a humid rainbow, shining on my sweaty cheeks.
Then I took a gasp of air.
I sat up, my hands gripping on the sides of the bathtub and my chest rising and falling quickly.
A million thoughts rushed through my head as i tried to give myself a logical explanation for the madness i just lived. Was i going insane?
I studied my shaky hands, my red, wrinkled fingertips and my long nails.
My attention shifted to my body shivering with adrenaline and a feeling of dread dancing through my every strand of hair.
I couldn't stand the water lingering on my skin so i just jumped out of the tub, desperately trying to brush the anxiety off my chest with a towel which i then wrapped around my waist.
After what seemed like an eternity i looked at myself in the mirror.
I was skinnier, my eyes red and droopy lulled by a purple bed. My lips were covered by a beard, longer than i'd ever wear it, messy and pointy. I sighed, reaching for my razor and the shaving cream.
Without any facial hair i looked even thinner.
Observing my own reflection was loathsome,
like looking at a dead man,
staring into his wide, sharp eyes as they gashed your soul up and stole it while his parted lips cried crimson tears.
That wasn't me,
that couldn't be me.
My damp hair, longer than i remembered it, barely nuzzled my naked shoulders in a viscid dance each time my head turned to take a better look at myself.
My eyes, emptied of any light i must've lost as that damned train departed, attacked the image incredulous and disappointed, desperately looking for anything that could have resembled my memory of what i would've called me.
My mouth stood large and austere, rigid in a thin, unbreakable line, too tired to curve up like it always used to do.
I wasn't "me".
My thoughts were now mercilessly devouring me when someone silenced them with a knock.
"Yeah?"
"Hi, I got you some clothes." Responded George after opening the door, his hands holding a pair of comfortable pants and a simple T-shirt tidily stacked on top of the other.
"Thank you, man." I mumbled, putting a hand on his and hoping he'd catch the million words i meant to speak with a look.
He gave me a smile and told him he'd be in my room tidying everything up, and then i realized.
Fuck.
As soon as he got out i slipped in my clothes, opened the bathtub's drain and rushed to my room.
When i opened it i found him putting the pack of cigarettes on my freshly cleaned desk.
"I- those are..." I tried to justify, immediately getting interrupted by him.
"Want me to buy you some more? You only have one left."
I opened my mouth to speak, but nothing came out. "Sure." I mumbled, raising my eyebrows.
-
George kindly finished sweeping the floors and joined Dream in the living room.
When i was without them i could hear them whisper my name behind the thin walls, and when i was with them i could read the worried looks they exchanged as if i was a helpless fucker with no hope ahead.
It annoyed me, it bothered me, it terrified me.
The soft voice they used with me was the same one would use with their kids.
Was pity everything that held our friendship up? Did they swirl my name on their palates to taste my desperation better? Could i trust them? Could i trust me? Could I-
"What the fuck!" Dream yelled, joined by a gasp and a loud thud.
I ran up to them, standing petrified as my eyes met the scene.
Ran's small body laid fleeble on the cold floor while his nose and mouth were covered in white, his pale fingers still holding a bag of that same colored substance.
Fuck.
---
1960 words.
so um,,,
i was terribly slow as always and i couldn't exclude drugs or mentally ill people or end of chapter angst lollll
Next one is gonna b a karls pov ;)
(sapnap has sever anxiety n paranoia but he don't know because its the 1930' lol i think im so funny by writing this shit)