Josephine
'God is merciful, therefore I am merciful to you.'
'You can't understand this because you're just a child, but what I do I do just to protect you.'
The memories were still running through my head. Again and again. Hunting me as if I was a prey to slay. Everything he had said, every bullshit excuse he had made, it all played constantly in my head. "Stop!" I kept telling myself, but of course they didn't. "Just stop it!", I begged without success.
'I do this in the name of God. Be a dear child.'
'You want your parents to stay in heaven, right? Then you have to be a good girl otherwise they will go to hell.'
I felt so dirty. My hands scratched my arms to get rid of the feeling. But even if I ripped off my skin, it would stay. They crawled over me like little beetles, biting, scratching, stinging me everywhere. I was so sick, so sick of myself.
'I want to guide you on the right path.'
'I just love you. Don't you love me?'
I struggled to crawl into the bathroom and to escape that voice, but even as I vomited dinner into the toilet, it remained. What's more, he laughed at me, taunted me, called me names that I called myself way too often thanks to him.
'You would be so lost without me.'
'That remains our secret Josephine, no one should know how much I love you, okay? Otherwise they would just be mad at you because I don't love them as much as I love you.'
"That's not love!" Tears ran and ran down my cheeks. "It's not love!" I tried to convince myself.
'You know yourself that you were a naughty child. Naughty children must be punished. Are you going to keep being naughty?'
'Stop crying. I want to see your smile.'
I curled up on the floor again and tried to make myself as small as possible. Just like before when I tried to hide from him. What else could I do to protect me against something that could overcome any protection?
'Just let it happen.'
And just like my younger self, I gave up and let it happen.
______________
At some point it must have stopped. I was still lying on the floor in front of the toilet, rocking back and forth. My top was soaked with my sweat, vomit and tears. I felt so incredibly empty. Even my parents' love was no longer inside my heart. I wished they were here with me and would hold me until I picked up all the broken pieces of myself. But I was alone and no one would ever be able to love me as damaged as I was. Vito, Domenico and Valentino would recognize it soon and when the time came, they would throw me out. This disgust rose in me again. Luckily I was already in the bathroom to throw up the rest of the food. I weakly flushed the water and leaned against the edge of the bathtub. What now? But my mind was blank.
I seemed to have switched to autopilot. My body got up, washed its teeth, cleaned up vomit from the bedroom floor, washed the sweater that had also gotten some on it, took a cold shower, put on something new, and then sat on the edge of the bed.
I sat there.
And I sat.
And I sat.
Until I got up sometime well after midnight and left the room, went down the stairs, walked through the kitchen to the employee exit and stood in front of the house with my shoes in the snow. Still unable to control myself, I put on my shoes and started walking. I didn't feel the cold around me at all. Everything seemed so easy even though I felt so heavy, so I just let my body do its thing. Even the appearance of the dogs didn't seem to affect me. Ignoring them, I continued running without a destination in mind. There was no place to go, so I could go anywhere. I turned my head and saw the lights still on in the building behind my. Apparently Vito was still working in the office. At this time? That was not good. Sleep was important. It was as if a curtain lifted inside me and I began to find myself again. Someone had to tell Vito to go to sleep. I started to walk back and with every step back I got faster until I came to a stop in front of the office. I knocked carefully.
"Josephine? What are you doing here so late?" Vito asked surprised when he opened the door and saw me standing in front of him. I had to tell him to go to bed, but instead I just looked at him silently. He walked aside and motioned for me to come in. I stood motionless. "Josephine?" Vito suddenly sounded worried.
"I-I-I wanted to run away," I stuttered out. "I was already outside. I- I-"
Vito waited to see if I would finish the sentence, but I couldn't. I couldn't even explain why I wanted to run away because I didn't know myself. He took a step towards me and took me in his arms. "And yet you're not," he replied calmly.
I began to sob again, but all the tears seemed to have been shed already. "But I wanted to!" He had to understand what I did! He had to get mad, he had to yell at me, tell me what a terrible person I was! But he didn't do any of that. Instead, he gently stroked my back.
"You're still here and that's all that matters.", he said calmly.
"You should be angry! I disappointed you," I tried to make him understand again.
Vito took a step back and looked me in the eyes. I looked for something in his face that would show how disappointed he was in me, but there was nothing but understanding. "I'm not angry and you didn't disappoint us. Do you want to talk about it?" I shook my head but went into the office anyway. Vito pointed to the sofa by the window and without hesitation I sat down. One of the pillows found its way into my arms and was clutched like a shield. Vito sat down next to me but turned so he could look at me. "What happened that made you want to run away?"
"I had a...weak moment and then my head started doing bad things. When I got control again, I was already standing outside. Finally I saw that there was a light on here and then I went here. "
"Would you tell me what kind of things you mean?" I shook my head. I could never tell anyone about it. I wasn't allowed to do that. "You can't or you don't want to?"
"I can't, I'm sorry," I said quietly, playing with the corner of the pillow without looking at him.
"That's okay. I understand that you don't know us well enough to trust us yet and that's okay too. However, I want you to know that I won't judge you for whatever happened. Look at me, Josephine." he commanded me gently and hesitantly I looked at him again. "It's not your fault."
I opened my eyes. "But what if-"
"No, no buts. You were a child. Good Lord, you are still one. I'm sorry that those who were supposed to protect you didn't, but you are with us now and we will be there for you. " Vito replied firmly. "Can you believe me?"
I looked at the pillow again and shook my head. As much as I wanted to, I couldn't believe him. They didn't know me, why would they protect a stranger who had nothing to give in return but problems? What did I have to offer? Vito scooted closer and put an arm around me. He gently kissed my head. "Eventually you will. But please promise me, if you run into the night again, you'll turn around to see if there's still a light on where you came from."
I nodded and felt like I could breathe again. Vito seemed to genuinely understand me and not judge me for it. This was so much more than I had dared to hope for. "I'm sorry I wanted to run away," I mumbled quietly.
"And I thank you for coming to me instead. I will always be here whenever you feel overwhelmed. If you're ever ready to talk about what happened, then I'll be there to listen to you." He sounded so sincere, that I believed him. "Would you like some beautiful chocolate?" he changed the subject. I nodded again, this time even more eagerly than before and jumped up while Vito laughed quietly. "Then go ahead. After all, I have to make sure you can find your way around here."
I turned my head to him as I walked to make sure if he was serious or not. But he just winked, so I grinned back. "Well, we are here in the converted part of the villa. It used to be a large hall, but was then divided into various smaller rooms because - why?" I asked in surprise.
"Have you seen how big it is here? The heating costs would be incredibly high if we continued to heat all the rooms." I stopped, taken aback, and looked at him in surprise. "What? Money doesn't grow on trees either." Before I could stop myself, I started laughing, even though what he said made perfect sense. But it was so strange to be in this huge house and worry about heating costs. Vito just shook his head and gestured for me to continue walking, which unfortunately meant that I had to admit I had no idea about the actual route.
"To be honest, we didn't get very far," I admitted sheepishly.
"Did he just show you the kitchen? That eating cane," Vito cursed.
"That's not true, he showed me my room too," I tried to defend Valentino. "Please don't be mad at him."
Vito snorted, neither accepting nor rejecting my request. Instead, he took one step past me and moved a shelf to the side quite easily. At first I wanted to ask him what he was doing, but then I saw it myself. A corridor appeared behind it. Were there secret passages here? That was so cool. "I'll decide that tomorrow. These are the old corridors for the servants. There are a few of them here in the house that lead to the different floors." Interesting that he called it a house. The house I grew up in definitely didn't have any secret passages. "They mostly lead to the kitchen or one of the other facility rooms. If you want you can try to find them all tomorrow. In any case, they are also the fastest routes. Go ahead, just go in. There are motion detectors at the entrances that automatically turn on the lights."
Excited, I took a step forward and sure enough, the light came on shortly afterwards. "Why were there special aisles for them?"
"Did Valentino tell you that the house is a copy of the one from Italy?" I nodded. "The house in Italy dates back to the 18th century and back then it was not desired to see the servants. That's why there were these corridors so that they could carry out their tasks inconspicuously. Over time these paths found another use and were preserved. "
I didn't dare ask what other use he meant because I could already guess. Instead, I bravely moved forward and shortly afterwards ended up in the utility room that was directly connected to the kitchen. "And there are more of these ways? How many?"
Curious, I looked around the kitchen to see if there were any more hidden passages, but I didn't find any, mostly because they were hidden. Vito laughed. "I won't tell you. Look for them the next few days and when you think you have them all, tell me the number and I'll tell you if you're right," he said as he went to the fridge and took out some milk. "Would you like some cream with that?"
Hello there,
another saturday, another chapter :-)
I thought about describing the abuse in more detail, but ultimately decided against it. Aside from the fact that it might trigger other survivors, I want to focus the focus of this story not on the abuse and the perpetrator, but on Josephine's healing and finding a new family. Unfortunately, abuse is too real and too common, so I don't feel good to write about it just for entertainment purpuses. That doesn't do justice to the survivors.
I hope you can understand that.
What's your favourite dream you ever dreamed? Mine is when I dreamed of a Beach in Spain where we spend the summer and liking the best ice cream I ever had (obviusly, otherwise i wouldn't have dreamed about it).
See you soon!