"Because it's crazy, okay?" Dean says. "And it's not going to happen. How many times do I have to say that this is a horrible idea?"
"A-as much as it physically pains me to agree with this shithead..." Miranda motions to Dean. "I-I pretty much do."
"About as many as I have to say, okay, then what else have we got? Listen, I'm all ears, guys." Sam says. "Ordinarily, I'd agree with you both, but the visions only happen when I reach out to God. I asked him for a way to beat the Darkness and the visions got more specific -- and I was in the cage."
"Yeah, with Lucifer. The biggest monster ever hatched. Fan-fucking-tastic." Dean remarks.
"You know, Lucifer was the biggest monster ever hatched, until you and I hatched one that's even worse. Listen, in the vision, Lucifer touches me and I feel calm, like things will be all right." Miranda gives him an incredulous look. "And that's not something I would ever come up with. I mean, that is the last thing that I would ever feel."
"If Lucifer touched you, it would be the last thing you think -- ever. Why would God even ask this of you? What proof do we have that any of this is actually real?"
"There was a burning bush."
"A burning bush?"
"Like in the Bible."
"You were in the forest. There are bushes there and sometimes they burn. You know what, man? Maybe there is something to it all -- maybe -- and maybe there's not."
"Dean, doesn't it make sense? I mean, Lucifer would know how God ended the Darkness. He was there."
+++
They managed to capture Rowena and have her in the dungeon.
Eventually, Rowena finds a spell to make it possible for Sam to talk to Lucifer while he stays in the cage.
"Sam, everything is in order. Fergus is coming." Rowena says.
"I promised Dean I'd call." Sam says, trying to call his brother.
"I promised Lincoln a fun night at the theatre." Miranda looks at her. "Things change. It's now or never." Rowena says.
Soon, Sam relents, knowing they can't just wait around.
"I'm going with you." Miranda states.
"Wh-- wait, n-no. What... what about the kids?" Sam asks.
"Carly's 9. I'll give her a chance to handle it for a night." Miranda says.
"She could traumatize the younger two." Sam points out.
"Oh, relax. She's only mean to adults." Miranda says.
"She convinced Wyatt that the tooth fairy pulls is gonna take all of his teeth if he ever touches her stuff without permission." Sam reminds.
"Okay, that-- that was a little bad." Miranda says.
"A little?" Sam raises his eyebrows.
"Hey, she got in trouble. He's fine now. He took her pizza slice the other day and he still has just as many teeth as he did before that. He knows she was lying now." Miranda says.
"Miranda..."
"I'm not letting you go talk to the devil alone." Miranda states. "Not after what he's done to you, not ever. I don't care what it takes, I am going with you, because I do not trust the witch bitch and her demon son to be any source of comfort. I am going with you, and if we come back to the bunker burnt down, then... then we know to not let her babysit ever again."
+++
The group walk down a corridor in Hell, flaming torches on the walls letting them be able to see.
"Flop sweat, sonny? Dread of what's to come?" Rowena questions Crowley.
"Can it. Your barbs may amuse your circle of hags. You have no idea what you're tampering with -- what Lucifer is capable of." Crowley says.
"Well, dear, if you can't stand the heat, get out of Hell." Rowena smirks as they get to an area and there's a giant cage. "I must say, it's not as scenic as I'd expected."
"We are in the furthest reaches of Hell, Limbo, where I send unruly souls for timeout." Crowley says.
"This is where I meet with Lucifer?" Sam asks as Rowena starts setting up, painting sigils on the cage as lightning flashes and thunder crashes.
"What it lacks in ambience, it makes up for in security." Crowley says. "Makes your flesh crawl, doesn't it, Moose? I get it. I'm the King of this place, it's still not my cup of tea."
"I don't know, Crowley. I'd say it suits you. Dark. Empty." Sam says.
"Fascinating. The utter contempt when I'm in the midst of saving the Winchesters' bacon -- again." Crowley says.
"The point of this is to save everyone's bacon, including yours. Let's just hope she knows what she's doing. This cell won't hold crap if the warding isn't right." Sam says.
"Don't you worry about me, Samuel. I'm a professional." Rowena says, walking over to a table.
"Are you certain you can do this without actually opening the cage?" Crowley asks.
"We're about to find out, aren't we?" Rowena smiles.
"You seem way too excited about this." Miranda comments.
Rowena only smirks before she starts the spell and the sigils on the cage start to illuminate. A fire comes to life, surrounding the cage.
"It begins." Crowley says.
Sam walks away, Miranda quickly following.
"Sammy. Sammy, hey." Miranda quietly calls, cupping his face, forcing him to look at her. "You know that you don't have to do this."
"Yes, I do." Sam argues.
"Okay." She mumbles. "But I'm right here -- the entire time." She assures. "And he cannot touch you." Sam nods, clearing his throat, trying to mentally prepare himself. Miranda leans up and kisses him on the nose. "I love you, Coffee Boy."
Sam lets out a quiet laugh, his shoulders relaxing.
"Love you, too, Popcorn Girl." He mumbles making her smile.
"My old friend, Crowley." They turn to see Lucifer in the cage.
Sam immediately tenses up, pulling away from his wife. He straightens up, his jaw clenching. Miranda gently squeezes his hand.
"A mere acolyte, carrying your torch." Crowley says.
"You're too kind... to yourself." Lucifer says. "What do you want of me?"
Crowley looks to his side and Sam slowly walks back over.
"Sam Winchester. My old roomie." Lucifer leans against the cage. Miranda's hands ball into fists, her jaw tightly clenching. "Hug it out?" He looks around, noticing Miranda. "Oh, and you brought the baby mama. She can be our third." He grins at Sam who tries to hide all of his emotion.
~ ~ ~
"I gotta say, I'm a little in the dark about this meeting. Am I up for parole? Time off for bad behavior?" Lucifer asks. "I don't really get visitors."
"If it weren't for the crisis top-side, you wouldn't be getting any now." Sam says.
"Crisis?" Lucifer asks.
"You're aware of the Darkness." Sam says.
"Yikes, that doesn't sound good." Lucifer winces. "Um, I'm aware of what she was, but that was eons ago."
"She's been released. So now she's somewhere... or everywhere on earth." Sam says.
"How ever did that happen?" Lucifer asks.
"The point is... she poses a threat to all that exists, including you." Sam says.
"Hmm. Oh, that leads me to my next question. Where's the big burrito himself? Where's God in all of this?" Lucifer asks.
"All current indications of his presence are that there are no current indications of his presence." Sam says.
"What? Caught the fun bus out of town? Figures." Lucifer says.
"But, recently, he has reached out to an interested party." Sam says.
"Who?" Lucifer asks.
"Me." Sam says.
"You?"
"He answered my prayers."
"Did he now? And what was dad's suggestion?"
"To seek out you."
"Get outta town! Seriously? Who'd have thunk it?"
"I completely get why you came to me. You can't ignore God, right? God says jump, everybody says how high?" Lucifer says.
"So, does this mean you're on board?" Sam asks.
"Well, I did help dad seal up the Darkness all those years ago. She's quite a force. Determined to take over everything, even back then. Prone to tantrums. I can see why pop is laying low. Now that sis is here, God's not the only circus in town."
"Is she equal to him in power?"
"Raw power? Sure. But she's got none of the experience. God is a master strategist. That's why you're here."
"And why is that?"
"Oh, because God needs me to help put the cat back in the bag. He can't do it himself. Seen that movie." Lucifer laughs.
"And?" Sam asks.
"And, I need a ride out of here. I mean, I look swell in here and everything, but I'd be so much smoke top-side."
"You want a vessel."
"One who is strong enough to hold me, handy, and available now. Catch my drift?"
"Did you really expect me to agree to this?" Lucifer nods and smiles. "So, what, I just disappear while you take my body and get set loose on the world again?"
"I know. I know, Sam. It's a lot to ask. But desperate times require desperate measures." Lucifer says.
"That's not desperate! That's certifiable!"
"Okay, hold on there a second, cowboy, take a breath. You have been working with Crowley. You passed certifiable three off ramps ago. And look, I'm no fan of the ruler of the universe, but here I am, ready to pitch in."
"Sam, why do you think God sent you to me? To get my help, which I only now just offered. Sam, your versions were the word of God. You can't say no to that."
~ ~ ~
"So, have you thought about it, Sam? Do I have an invitation to look forward to?" Lucifer asks.
"No. I won't do it. There has to be another way." Sam says.
Miranda tenses up as the fire starts to die down and the sigils fade.
Lucifer motions for Sam to come closer and then Sam is in the cage making Miranda's heart drop.
"No. No!" Miranda yells.
"Together again." Lucifer says.
Sam backs into one of the corners with a terrified look on his face.
"Hey, Sam Winchester. Did you miss me? I bet you did." Lucifer smiles. Sam takes a deep breath, his terror seeming to fade. "I have to say, you're extraordinarily calm given the circumstances."
"Well, it's pretty much exactly how God told me it was going to be. Guess I just have to go with it and play my hand."
"Well, that would make so much sense if it was God that was doing the talking. You see, Sam, when the Darkness descended, the impact on Hell was massive. The cage was damaged. Through the fissures, I was able to reach out. It wasn't God inside your head, Sam. It was me."
Lucifer turns to Sam, smiling when he sees the fear returned.
"So you see, he's not with you. He's never been with you. It was always... just... me." Lucifer chuckles. "So, I... I guess I am your only hope."
"Let him go! I swear, if--"
"If what?" Lucifer turns to the fuming woman. "What? You gonna kill me? You're so cute when you try to threaten." He laughs.
Miranda turns around to where Crowley and Rowena are, only to find them gone.
"What the fuck?" She mutters.
"It's never going to happen." Sam says.
"Ah, well, settle in there, buddy. Hey, roomie. Upper bunk? Lower bunk? Or you wanna share?" Lucifer asks.
"You? The visions... everything... it was all you?" Sam asks.
"Impressive, right?" Lucifer smirks.
"And Rowena?"
"Did as she was told. Groupies, they're always so eager."
"So you did all of that just to... to what? Jump my bones?"
"Literally."
"Well, you wasted your time then. You see, I know how this ends."
"Oh, do you now?"
"Yeah. You'll taunt me and you'll, uh, torture me and I'll say no. And eventually, sooner than you think, my brother's gonna walk through that door and kick your ass."
"Dean? You're betting on Dean?" Lucifer asks with a laugh.
"Yeah." Sam nods.
"Oh, Sam. You got me all wrong." Lucifer says.
"Ha, I doubt that." Sam scoffs.
"No. No. I'm not here to torture ya. I mean, I could." He walks closer to Sam who backs away until his back is against the bars. "I could inflict pain like you can't even imagine. I could inflict such delicious, perfect pain." Lucifer pauses. "But that was so five years ago. No. I'm not going to harm a glorious little hair on that glorious little head."
"Then what do you want?"
"To make an offer you can't refuse. You see, Sam, you need me and I'm gonna prove it to you."
+++
Sam is sitting down in the cage while Lucifer stands up.
"Now, Sam, I know this is a lot to take in, so if you need to take some time and noodle on it, that's cool. But, uh, world is ending, clock ticking. You follow me?" Lucifer asks.
"What do you want me to say?" Sam asks.
"A little word that starts with Y, ends in E-S." Lucifer says. "Okay, you don't like me. I get it... I get it, sometimes I don't like me either. But Gabriel and Raphael are dead, God went out for a pack of smokes and never came back, and Michael... well, let's just say prison life hasn't really agreed with Michael. These days he's usually sitting in a corner singing show tunes and touching himself."
"So you're it?"
"I'm it!" Lucifer laughs. "And hey, I'm not the good guy, we both know I'm not, but the Darkness, she's the end of everything." He crouches in front of Sam. "But I can beat her. We can beat her. You and me, together. So come on, Sam. Make the right choice, the big sacrifice one more time, man. Sam, it's time to save the world, man."
"No." Sam quietly says after a few moments. "No."
"What do you mean no?" Lucifer angrily asks, standing up.
"You heard me." Sam says.
"Okay, now, Sam, I gotta tell you, this is selfish, man. Everything--"
"You are done. It's over." Sam stands up. "You know what? You talk a good game. You do. Hell, you almost had me sold a few times. But then I thought what if you're right? What if you're telling the truth? What if you can beat her?"
"I can!"
"Even though the last time it took you, plus three other archangels. Oh, yeah, and capital G, God."
"Oh, okay, what, you mean the dead weight?"
"Well, let's say you gank her. Then what?"
"I move to L.A. Solve crimes."
"Wrong. Then you go about starting the apocalypse, again, because you're an old dog and that's your old trick."
"Okay, first off, you don't know that. Second, even if I did, that's better than what she has planned."
"Is it? Really? Cause this is what I think. I think that whoever wins, you or the Darkness, everyone else loses. So, no. My answer is no. This isn't because of Dean or the past, this is about me having faith in my friends, having faith in my family. We will find a way. I'm ready to die and I'm ready to watch people I love die, but I'm not ready to be your bitch."
"Okay, plan B." Lucifer snaps his fingers, Miranda now in the cage. Lucifer turns to her and punches her, knocking her to the ground and she cries out in pain. Sam's heart speeds up, his eyes widening in panic.
Lucifer punches Sam continuously before Miranda gets him and knocks him off of her husband. She swings at him, but he dodges the hit and punches her in the stomach.
Sam attacks Lucifer, knocking him against the side of the cage. Lucifer laughs before headbutting the hunter, knocking him back.
"Hey, assbutt!" Cas shouts as he and Dean run in. Lucifer turns to them.
"Dean. Uh, the other one." Lucifer snaps his fingers and the two are in the cage. "Welcome to the party. Scared?" Lucifer asks.
"Not even a little." Dean says. Cas gets his angel blade out.
"Uh-uh-uh-uh. Moments like this, it's all about ambiance." Lucifer says. He snaps his fingers and music starts playing.
Sam crawls over to where Miranda is lying down, resting his hand on the side of her face.
"Baby. Baby, hey." He mumbles, stroking her cheek.
Cas lunges at Lucifer who slams him against the wall. Dean rushes over to the couple.
"Hey." Dean mutters.
"We can't win." Sam says.
"We don't have to win. We've just gotta last a few minutes." Dean says.
Lucifer punches Cas, sending him to the ground. Sam and Dean get up, both hitting Lucifer. Sam grabs him and Dean punches him.
"You hit like a human." Lucifer mocks. He kicks Dean across the cell and then turns and punches Sam, both falling to the ground. Miranda hits him before Lucifer hits her and then slams her against the wall, letting her drop to the ground. Cas gets involved and Lucifer throws him down.
Miranda charges at Lucifer, but he grabs her, wrapping his hand around her throat and holding her up against the wall. The woman coughs as she struggles to breathe.
"All right, Sam, I'm gonna make this real easy for you." Sam's eyes widen as he looks at them.
"No." He mumbles.
"You say the magic word or your wife dies. And we both know you won't let that happen." Lucifer says.
Cas charges at Lucifer and Miranda falls to the floor. Lucifer repeatedly punches Cas. Sam races over to Miranda before dragging her to the opposite side of the cage.
"Hey. Hey, hey. Are you okay? Can you breathe? You okay?" Sam panics, feeling around for any major injuries.
"I'm fine." She mumbles, letting out a quiet cough.
A blinding light appears making Sam pull Miranda into his chest, blocking it from her, and he squeezes his eyes shut.
When the light dies down, they look over, finding Lucifer gone.
~ ~ ~
"You're welcome." Rowena says as they all limp over to her. "Anyone?"
"Bite me." Dean growls.
"I can make her do that." Crowley says. Miranda gives him a weird look.
"So what now?" Sam asks.
"About the Darkness? No clue." Crowley says.
"We'll figure it out." Dean says.
"Or die screaming." Rowena says.
"This has been a horrible train wreck, so we're done. Team up over." Crowley says.
"What about her?" Sam motions to Rowena.
"She stays. The rest of you lot... get the hell out of Hell."
~ ~ ~
"Is he all right?" Sam asks after Dean gets in the Impala and Cas goes his own way.
"Tough day." Dean says.
"Yeah, tell me about it." Sam scoffs.
"You good?" Dean asks.
"I don't know. I mean, what if Lucifer was telling the truth, you know? What if he's the only--"
"No, dude. The Darkness is bad. Her and the devil... that's a nightmare."
+++
The three get back to the bunker, stopping at the mess that's in both the war room and the library.
"This, uh, this seems like your guys' problem." Dean says, walking out. "Kitchen's a mess, too!" He calls out.
Sam turns to Miranda, giving her a pointed look that screams "I told you so."
"Okay, we'll never leave them alone again. Fine. You win." Miranda says.
+++
Miranda goes into the bedroom, Sam lying in bed. She sits on the bed and gently taps his back making him turn to her.
"You okay?" She asks, giving him a small, comforting smile.
"Yeah. Yeah, sure." Sam mumbles, Miranda obviously not believing him. She sighs and moves up the bed, sitting down so her back is against the headboard.
"C'mere." She mumbles. Sam moves around until he's lying between her legs, his back resting against her, his head on her chest. She rests her chin on top of his head, playing with one of his hands while his other hand strokes her shin.
"You wanna talk about it?" She asks.
"It just... brought up a lot of old, buried memories." Sam quietly says.
"So..." She trails off.
"No." He answers. "No, I don't wanna talk about it. Not right now, at least."
"Okay." She mumbles, kissing him on the head.