!!TW!! - anxiety, derealisation, ed
RILEY'S POV
Leah walks down to the meeting room as I slowly trail behind letting her lead the way.
"I'll give you a tour later when we have some free time if you'd like" I hear Leah speak up breaking the silence. If I was to be honest I'd rather not get a tour by Leah I can find my own way around. I'll get used to it eventually.
"Yeah, that would be good," I muttered. I felt bad if I declined her offer. I knew she was only trying to help me settle in but I don't want help. I hate all the attention I'm receiving as the
'New 16 year old signing'. Just because I'm young that doesn't mean I can't function by myself.
Me and Leah walk into the meeting room to see that we're the last ones to arrive. We walk to the back and find 2 spare seats. I sat between Leah and Keira Walsh.
"Nice of you to join us Leah" Keira whispers across me to Leah. My anxiety rises knowing I was most likely the reason Leah was late.
It wasn't long before I found myself picking at my fingers while my leg jittered up and down. Sarina starts to talk to the team but I find myself zoning out, finding it hard to concentrate and listen as my thoughts take over.
My surroundings start to appear out of their usual shape, they are blurry and colourless. I feel lifeless like I'm almost outside of my body, it feels like the world isn't real. I hate this feeling. It comes and goes every now and then and of course it comes at the worst time possible.
I need to get myself out of this state before anyone realises. I slowly feel myself coming back, gaining my senses back. I'm met by Esme crouched down in front of me as well as Leah, Lucy, Keira, Georgia, Ella and Alessia all standing around me with worried looks on their faces. Fuck.
I shift my gaze down to my hands that are clenched up in a ball resting in my lap. I had picked at my nails too much causing them to bleed running all down my hands. I unclench my fists to find my long nails had drawn blood on my palms from clenching them too hard.
I was snapped out of my thoughts by someone putting their hands on my shoulders. I look up, being met with Leah staring straight down at me. I feel someone's hand gently rub against my knee. I already knew who it was, I was too familiar with their touch.
"Riles you scared us for a second there, what happened?" Esme asks in a sweet, caring tone. I wasn't going to tell Esme what happened, especially now that there were 6 of my other teammates standing around me clearly worried about what they had just witnessed.
"I-I don't know" I croak out. I could feel panic arise in me, getting overwhelmed by the amount of people in the room. I wouldn't embarrass myself even more by having a panic attack in front of them all. I had to escape.
"Talk to me tells what's wron-" Before Esme could finish her sentence I stand up from chair pushing past everyone sprinting out of the room. I could hear Esme and Leah calling my name but I ignored them and kept running.
After running far enough away so I'm out of sight of all the girls I stop, bending over trying to catch my breath. I find myself sitting down on the benches next to one of the 3G pitches. I sat there lost in thought until I felt my phone buzzing in my pocket. I reached in and grabbed it, seeing Esme ringing me. I ignore her call and place my phone down on the bench running over to a random ball that's left in the corner of the pitch.
I practise my juggling managing to get to 63 a new personal best. I attempted a few shots on goal but couldn't get it right as I wasn't in the right shoes. I decided it's best to go back inside now before Esme starts to worry too much.
I placed the ball back where I found it and walked over to the bench to find multiple missed calls and messages from Esme and a few unknown numbers who I presumed were some of my teammates. I ignore all of their messages and start to make my way back inside.
I reach the large glass doors opening them looking down at my phone while walking inside. Suddenly I bump into someone watching my phone fall to the ground smashing completely as the screen falls off flying across the room.
"Fucking watch where you're going" I say angrily looking up to see Lucy. Oh fuck.
"Kid where have you been, we've all been worrying about where the hell you are. You didn't answer any of our messages or calls!" Lucy replies completely ignoring what I had just said to her.
"I'm fine, why can't everyone just leave me alone?" I slightly raise my voice. I picked up my phone which was now in 2 pieces. There was no way tape could fix this.
"Let's get you to Esme she'll be relieved to see that you're ok. Everyone's in the dining hall having dinner." Lucy announces. I'm still beyond pissed that she caused me to smash my already broken phone.
Lucy leads me to the dining hall. She places a hand on my shoulder as we enter the whole team turning their attention to us. I shrugged her hand off of my shoulder walking over to a table which had Esme, Leah, Keira, Georgia, Ella and Alessia sitting at it. Everyone who was in the room when I stormed off.
I sit down in one of the spare seats huffing. Everyone around the table was staring at me. I may not have seen them staring at me as my eyes were down looking at my phone broken in two pieces but I could feel all of their eyes on me.
"Staring's rude you know" I speak up, breaking the very uncomfortable silence. I feel someone sit down next to me, placing a plate of food in front of me. I glance up seeing Lucy sitting there looking around at everyone else at the table.
"Riley you cannot do that. We were all so worried that something had happened to you, if you're going to run off like that you need to at least answer your phone." Esme states. I scoff and look up at Esme rolling my eyes.
"Hate to break it to you but Lucy actually broke my phone" I reply growing more confident as a smirk slowly rises on my face.
"What!?" Keira and Leah speak at the same time.
My phone breaks into 2 pieces again as I slam it down on the table, the tape comes undone from the sides. Everybody at the table stares at my beaten up iPhone 6 that now lies in 2 pieces in the middle of our table.
"Lucy! How did you do that?" Ella speaks up giggling. This isn't a laughing matter.
"Its not fucking funny" I grumble. I feel Esme I nudge my side slightly.
"Stop with the attitude" Esme says, disapproving of my smart remark I made.
"It wasn't my fault I swear! I was going to go outside to get a breath of fresh air when Riley bumped into my dropping her phone and it smashed. Not to mention her telling me to watch where the fuck I'm going" Lucy exclaims looking down at me. Esme was not going to be happy now that Lucy had dobbed on me.
I scoff "So it's all my fault, I see how it is to blame it all on the new signing" I look up to see everyone with a shocked expression on their face clearly not expecting me to say that.
"Riley, will you drop this attitude? You haven't even been on camp for a day and this is how you're treating your teammates. I don't want to hear anymore smart remarks from you and definitely don't want to catch you swearing at your teammates. That's enough of this conversation for tonight now eat your dinner and take this hood off" Esme says losing her temper, pulling my hood off at the end.
I panic and pull my jumper up at the neck to hide the bruising to stop anyone seeing. I grab my broken phone, shoving it in my pocket, huffing as I roll my eyes once again.
"I'm not hungry" I push my plate away. I wasn't going to eat any of that food which contained heaps of calories and fat. Just looking at it made me feel sick to the stomach.
"What about your med-" I cut Esme off, stopping her from finishing her sentence. I do not want the whole team knowing about that.
"Do not finish that sentence, I said I'm not hungry so I am not eating, Got it?" I raise my voice slightly. Everyone around the table was shocked at my words once again, Even Esme. Before anyone could say anything I spoke again.
"When can I get a new phone, Since 'I' broke it" I add, emphasising the 'I' glancing at Lucy.
"I'll take you to get a new one when we go back to London but for this week you're just going to have to survive without one" Esme replies clearly fed up with my attitude.
"What a shame I guess there's no way for me to answer your messages or calls. Bummer." I comment before standing up, grabbing my plate which I haven't touched any of the food, walking over to the bin scraping out the leftovers. With that I left the dining hall making my way to a random small room I found sitting down on one of the lounges deep in thought.
ESME'S POV
We all watch as Riley leaves the room leaving us all sitting there unsure of what to say. I did not expect that to just happen. I had a suspicion that she wasn't taking her meds. Her meds are what stop her from acting like this and seeing her have an episode earlier during Sarina's meeting just proves my point.
"I'm so sorry guys, I didn't think she would flip out like that. I'm really sorry about her attitude and I feel terrible for the way that she spoke to you, Luce. I think the nerves are getting to her and she doesn't deal with change very well and sometimes It just gets the best of her and she loses her temper. I promise you that she's a really sweet kid and she's extremely talented but I think that there's something more that's going on which she isn't sharing with me, But I am truly very sorry about how she spoke to you all." I ramble on to the girls apologising about Riley.
I felt so bad for the girls but I don't want them to think differently of Riley. Riley is a sweet loving kid but I do think that she is lying to me about everything being ok. She's definitely struggling but she won't come to anyone about it.
"Esme calm down, none of us think badly of Riley. I'm sure she's a really sweet and kind kid and I cannot wait to see her out on the pitch. She's clearly very talented if she's made it to the senior team at the age of 16. I think we were all just a bit surprised and taken back by her sudden outburst. We're all just as worried as you are after what happened earlier today in the meeting but we will be here for her. All of us." Leah said, placing a hand on my back as I have my head in my hands. She really is a good captain.
"Yeah, we all agree with what Leah said" I heard Georgia speak up followed by hums of agreement.
"I'm just a bit worried for her. She's only 16 and I know that this is so much pressure added onto her and it's not my place to say anything but she has struggled in the past and I don't want her to fall back down that hole again" I reply as hot tears start to roll down my face.
"All of us will be here for the both of you no matter what. She's in the team now, she's a part of the family and we will protect and care for her" Keira says assuringly. I lift my head up from my hands looking at everyone and cracking a weak smile wiping the tears away from my face.
"Everyone, team bonding is in 5 minutes please start to make your way to the relaxation room" Sarina announces to everyone in the dining hall. Everybody stands up starting to make their way to the relaxation room.
"You guys go to team bonding I'll go find Riley, save us a spot please" Leah says. I'm so thankful for all of my friends.
With that we all stand up walking towards the relaxation room as Leah separates from us to go and find Riley.
RILEY"S POV
I was sitting in this random room for probably around 30 mins before I heard a knock followed by the sound of the door opening. I snap my head around and see Leah making her way over towards me.
"What do you want?" I mumble, staring down at my hands that were still covered in dried up blood from earlier before I ran away.
"It's time for team bonding in the relaxation room so I came to get you" Leah replies as she sits down next to me reaching out to grab my hands.
"Should we go and clean your hands then go to team bonding?" Leah suggests in a caring tone. Why was she being so nice? I was so rude to them earlier. Did Esme tell them anything!?
I nod my head agreeing to Leah's suggestion, not in the mood to verbally answer. She gently holds my hand and leads me to a first aid kit where she cleans and bandages any wounds around my hands.
"I'm sorry" I whisper.
"Why are you sorry kid? You did nothing wrong." Leah replies. I could tell she was confused.
"I raised my voice at you all earlier and I was rude towards you all" I mumble. I felt almost embarrassed reflecting back on my behaviour. They probably all think I'm some rude 16 year old kid.
"Oh Riley you don't have to apologise. I know this whole first camp experience can be quite overwhelming and stressful. None of us are mad at you. We think you're a sweet, talented kid. Please don't think we hate you, we were just a bit surprised as we didn't expect the sudden outburst and don't worry about your phone me and Esme will take you to get a new phone when we go back to London. I'm excited to be living with you so please come to me if you need anything I will always be willing to help" I hear Leah say. I look up slightly to see a smile forming on her face.
"Thanks," I whisper. Did they really think that about me?
Once we had finished cleaning my hands I slowly shuffled behind Leah towards the relaxation room. As we enter I keep my eyes down as Leah leads me to a spare seat next to Esme. I sit down and pull my knees up to my chest.
We decided to go around and introduce ourselves and anyone could ask questions to get to know you. We all went around in a circle until it got to me. We all agreed that I didn't have to introduce myself as I had already done that when I first arrived so they started asking me questions about myself.
All of them were casual just asking about when I started football, where I used to play, how I got into the Sunderland academy etc. Until someone asked.
"How did you get that nasty looking cut across your face, that looks like it hurts" My head shoots up and looks at who had asked the question. It was Beth England.
"Oh.. u-uhh.. i-it was just a little accident that happened on a night out" I stutter over my words as I start to panic and bite my bottom lip. I see Esme and Leah staring at me in the corner of my eye, they definitely knew that I was lying.
"Ohhhh!! The youngster was out partying!" I hear someone add on. Please make this stop.
"She was not partying, she's 16, she's not old enough to drink." Esme said sternly. Oh boy.
"Fake ID'S exist you know" I mumble. I hear everyone in the room laugh at Esme who is glaring at me. Uh oh, bad idea.
"I'm gonna pretend I didn't hear that and I sure hope you're lying because you never told me about that" Esme states. Gosh she was so over protective.
"This is the reason I don't tell you this stuff, You're too protective over everything let me live my life a bit." I add on. At this point everyone in the room was dying of laughter.
"This is not funny! Rylo you're 16 you shouldn't be drinking!" Esme replies giving me a disapproving look. This was not how I intended my night to go.
"I brought it along with me, just in case" I admit with a smirk growing on my face.
Next thing I know everybody was telling me to go get it.
"No, do not go and get it, This was a stupid idea. I will be taking that off of you and we will be moving on from this question" Esme speaks up. I've never heard her be so stern before. Everyone started booing Esme's decision.
We moved onto the next person and continued going around the circle until we were back at the start. I was glad that I now knew everybody's names at least. We decided to put on a movie before going up to bed.
We put on the Lion king which I was so excited to watch. It used to be my favourite movie to watch with my dad before he passed away. I felt tears streaming down my face at the thought of my dad. I miss him so much.
I felt someone's hand on my cheeks and they wiped away my tears, I looked and saw Leah. She asks if I'm okay and I just nod my head. I could feel my eyes getting heavy and I couldn't manage to keep them open for much longer. Only 15 minutes into the movie I fell asleep.
LEAH'S POV
I felt a sudden weight on my shoulder and looked to my left to see Riley fast asleep resting her head on my shoulder. She looked so peaceful so I did not attempt to wake her.
We watched the rest of the movie and once it was finished Esme offered to carry Riley up to our room but I said that I could. I picked up Riley carrying her in bridal style out of the relaxation room with Esme after saying goodnight to everyone.
Me and Esme make our way up to mine and Riley's room. Riley was extremely light, almost too light for a 16 year old girl. Could she be underweight? She arrived at camp at the end of lunch so she didn't eat lunch then also refused dinner saying she wasn't hungry? How was she not hungry after skipping lunch?
I stopped my mind from wandering as we approached our room. I gave Esme our key card and she unlocked the room. I followed her in placing Riley under her covers in her bed.
"Thanks for carrying her up here," Esme says. Why was she thanking me? It wasn't that big of a deal, I was rooming with Tally anyways
"That's ok, I also cleaned her hands before coming to team bonding as her hands were still covered in blood after whatever happened in that meeting. I remove the dried blood and clean the cuts before bandaging them. But while I was cleaning them she apologised for raising her voice at us and for being rude towards us." I reassure Esme letting her know that everything is ok.
"Thank you so much for that, I need to sit down and have a chat with her because I think she's struggling a bit but won't reach out to anyone" Esme replies with a worried look on her face.
"She was crying at the beginning of the movie and I asked her if she was ok and she just nodded her head. I also know that she made up a lie about the cut on her face. That was definitely not caused by an accident on a night out, there's something more to it" I told Esme with a hint of concern in my voice.
"Oh she was definitely lying, I know when she lies. After knowing her for a number of years I've become pretty good at reading her emotions. She panicked and stuttered over her word as she tried to come up with an excuse but every other time I've asked her she's just pushed me away and told me she's fine." Esme explained. I grew more worried after Esme said that.
There was definitely something more to this kid and I needed to get to the bottom of it.
"I think I'm going to head off to bed now. I'll try to sit down and have a chat with her tomorrow and I'll update you then. Thank you for looking after her today and I apologise again for her attitude. Please try and keep an eye on her, I'm trying my best but it's hard now that she doesn't have a working phone. Even though her phone was already smashed and taped together on the sides." Esme adds.
"I'll keep an eye on her for you Esme don't worry. You go and get some rest, you need it, tomorrow is a big full day of training." I say as I walk her to the door of our room saying goodbye.
Once Esme had left I quickly changed into something more comfortable to sleep in and get into bed slowly drifting off to sleep.
A/N
oh my gosh. This is my longest chapter yet, this took me forever. I tried out a few different povs this time so we can really understand tally. I'm sorry if this chapter is confusing I haven't proof read it.