"... been dancing in the gallows just to lose myself I've come undone I need some help and I'm sick of throwing pennies in the wishing well cause everyone goes straight to hell ..."
I stare up at the ceiling fan spinning in the room and around me sounds of laughter, music, and a constant beeping sound similar to an alarm clock. Everything else hasn't come into view, my vision is blurry and I can feel the sweat between my thighs and running down my temples. I take one hand and hold it to my forehead as I rise up from being slumped over in a bean bag chair. Beside me I take my backpack and rummage through the junk in there to find my phone and when I do it's 7:35 PM and I have 13 miss phone calls and 15 text messages. It has been almost five hours and I am 4 hours behind the time I set that I would get back home. I look up to see Malory and her friends sitting around in a circle playing spin the bottle, while her boyfriend and his friends try to blow out the smoke detector that's gone off. I leave around the back and I don't bother telling her that I'm leaving. Deep down inside I'm actually pissed the f*ck off no one bothered waking me up, and half pissed at myself for getting so f*cking stoned. I start making calls, but I'm seeing double and the numbers are hard to make out that I end up running to the nearest bus stop home. I catch the same bus that I took to bring me here, and sit in the back. I get goosebumps from the cold A/C and the clothes on me get stuck to my skin and I start to pull on my clothes to allow a little air through. In my bag I pull out perfume to eliminate the odor from being in that house for so long and apply water drops to reduce the size of my pupils. I'm starving to death to point where I get the urge to clean out the nearest corner store on the next stop that I find. I'll make it home faster if I just eat the mints I have in my bag to avoid spending more time out than I need to. I make the sacrifice and suffer longer. Through the bus windows I see my reflection for once and I am disgusted with the ruffles in my hair, and begin smoothing them over with my fingers. The pores of my face have grown in size, making my face an oily mess; the only thing that can save me now is a brown paper bag I should put over my head.
It will take two buses for me to get home and when I've reached my last stop I can make with the first bus, and still a few miles away from home. I get off the bus and look both ways before crossing, I make it in front of a liquor store, and stand on the side lines to think of where I could go next. I see these men in leather coats and bagging sweat pants come out the store, and a woman with bright colored hair that doesn't compliment her skin and skimpy clothes waiting outside the store. She sees the two men coming out and says, "Hey fellas!" In a high pitch perky voice that is a bit over doing it. They turn around and the other comes up licking his lips, "Hey baby," "How's it doin ma?" The other says in what sounds like a jersey accent. This is a part of town I don't want to be in and it's best I start moving now, I thought. I notice a all black BMW pulling over to stop across the street from me. I get suspicious of the vehicle and take a shortcut around a building to a isolated alley. I hear the car horn go off, but I keep persistent on my journey and think of another way I could go without bumping into anyone. I hear the car taking off and for a moment I think they've gone away. I make it to the other side behind the buildings and the same car is there again, I back away when the driver's door open and I'm ready to bolt.
"Alex!" I turn right back around and I see it's just my father. I try to think of words to say like "Oh, hey I didn't know it was you." or "You did something new to the car?" but knowing with how high I was I was too damn out of it to have recognized his car. I hadn't quite figured out yet what I would say when I came home to my parents let alone if I'd bump into them in the streets. I've already had anxiety just thinking about it.
"Get in the car." He demanded. He got back inside without waiting for me to walk up and get in.
I have to admit my heart just sunk to my ass seeing him right now. I am so done for, when I get home. I can see my fingers shaking when grabbing onto the door handle on the passengers side and my breathing getting more heavier. I get in the car and put on the seat belt and he takes off back onto the main road.
"Where were you?" He demanded again. I watched as his hands grip the wheel of the car, and his lips pressed against each other in a fine line.
"I was with a friend it's ... Not a big deal, I hangout with my friends all the time." I explain nonchalantly.
"Oh, you were at a friends house doing what exactly?"
"Hanging out--"
"Hanging out? For five hours? Doing what exactly Alex get to the point?!"
"Gee, I don't know doing homework, catching up on T.V. shows--"
He pulled over to the side of the road cutting through traffic while cars trying to maneuver through to avoid hitting us start honking. He cut the engine of the car and faced towards me, his eyes go darker when he's made and I can't stand looking at them.
"Cut the bullcrap, you and I both know that's not what took place."
I face the window with my back towards him, I get a bit nervous and it starts to feel like his eyes are burning the back on my neck, but I never let my guard down.
"Your mother wanted to call the police, she's worried about you ... Doesn't that make you sorry?"
I stay silent, and the question is echoing in my mind bring of feels of guilt.
"We're going to get you some help, but right now your mother and I have decided that you should meet with a probation officer, to keep you off the drugs." I slump over in my seat and bit my bottom lip to keep me from saying something I might regret, but damn it do I hate going through probation again knowing the consequences may be heavier for violating the rules.
"I love you and I--"
"F*ck you dad." His eyes bug open and I know he's stunned ... like I spat in his face, and he just looks at me in shock. "I care about you so much that I want you to oblige and commit to this. Everything I do is to protect you and I can't protect you if you treat yourself less than what you are worth." He continues; his eyes are like they are searching in mine, but something deep within me ... like my soul. He stares blankly at the road and up at the sky for what seems like half and hour. I turn my head slightly over my shoulders and his chest rises and falls, I can see he's blinking back tears. He sighs and I turn my head back from seeing what could possibly make me crumble inside. I hear the car start, we drive off and we are on our way home. I feel sick to my stomach and I do regret for them ever finding out what I was up to.
We arrive at home at nine, and my my father is first to get inside with my trailing behind. My mother is sitting down on the couch with one arm resting on a cushion. She sees me walk in and she glares at me from the corner of her eyes, her lips a perked up, and her other hand wrapped in a fist facing down on cushion next to her. I making an attempt to walk pass her, but walking pass her is like walking pass a lion knowing they smell your fear and will strike at any given moment. I wasn't playing dumb or not acknowledging what I had done, she was the last person I want to have to explain myself to.
"Alex? I know I taught you better than that. Don't walk into this house without greeting me, if you have something to say you say it, it's so disrespectful to come into the room and be little my presence. Now, sit your ass down, we have to talk." They wait for me to walk right back around; I don't know how to cooperate when it's like I'm having hot flashes, part of me wants to calm down and the other is heating up so that I can convince myself that I am above anything she has to say. I don't think I should trust these emotions.
"You walked in today, and that's not how I remember you looking when you walked out the house this morning. So that's how it's going to be isn't? You coming in like filth, high off of something, and instead of hanging around people who've got some sense, you are around people who've lost their way, addicts, using unhealthy tactics to deal with problems, and are only going backwards when it comes to building a stable and happy future. I have a solution to your problems, I want to share that with you, I want you to go out there and help someone else in need since your are constantly around them you are feeding off their bad habits you are not growing you are dying. You have all these spirits that are not of God, evil spirits that are coming against you to destroy you and you have not leaned on God's word. God's word is sharper than a two edged sword and it is to come between your soul and your spirit. Your soul tells you how to feel but what you feel, how you live, what you do does it match up with what God is telling you? The moment you accept God he will send the holy spirit to live in you to guide you and show you the path to eternal life. You're feeding your soul to these evil spirits that are here to destroy you and they are only there to give you temporary pleasures and you keep coming back for more and more and it will never satisfy you. It's there to distract you from the living water that God has supplied you with so you will never run dry and thirsty. You have not accept God and the Holy spirit is not within your being, you are blind to the light, you don't hear God you don't know his voice, you don't know his scriptures, you only know the lies the enemy has fed you, and you are a lost sheep among the flock. But there is something God would do that he expects us all to do if one sheep is missing among the flock you must go out there and find it. Even though you are my only child among you three that has denied God, God has not denied you and I must pursue you, I must teach you and use my rod of discipline, and pray that God will do the rest. I cry out and pour out into prayer and worship, because I am thankful for all that God has provided in giving me you, but he's not done with you yet. He is yet molding and shaping you. Like a farmer planting seeds some fall on good soil and others fall on solid ground and they don't amount up to anything, but God has the final say."
For the first time I want to believe in what she is saying, but how do I know this is even true, who is God? If he claims to love me then why did he let me go through what I went through? I do see a lot of people like me and then there is my family who believe in him. Why would he make me out numbered when it comes to them? I want to find the words to ask her a question, but there's a lump in my throat, my teeth are clenched shut, and tears or sweat in my eyes from the year I've tried to be my own savior .... Until I've failed.